All language subtitles for bobs.burgers.s15e11.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab_track3_[eng]

♪ ♪

Wipe, wipe, wipe.
And that food's not coming off.

Now it's Tina's problem.

-Oh, thanks.
-Crap, it's Fischoeder.

Uh-oh, he probably wants rent.
Bob, quick,

-make a bunch of money.
-Yup.

[Linda]
Hi, Mr. Fisch.

-Hi.
-Hello.
-Hi.

Hello, Belchlings.

Mr. Fischoeder, sorry. I-I know
we're late with the rent,

-but, uh--
-Yes, Bob, I would be
shocked if you weren't.

Listen, I'm here because
I need your catering services.

I'm having a reception
at my home

for the musicians of the
Wharf Arts Symphony Orchestra.

-Okay. Uh, when?
-Tomorrow night.

-Tomorrow night?
-Are you crazy?

To be frank, you weren't
my first choice, but Irv

from Irv's Hors d'Oeuvres
and More d'Oeuvres

got a bacterial infection
and now he's covered

-in sore d'oeuvres.
-Yuck.

Anyway, there's a concert
coming up.

Udo Pfeffer's Fifth Symphony.

It's a very special
one-night-only performance,

and the conductor
will be someone

very handsome and charming.

-Timothée Chalamet?
-Me.

-Wow.
-Oh.

Can you just be a conductor?

You can if you have
a love as deep as mine

for Pfeffer's Fifth.

Also, I've given the symphony
a truckload of money,

and rich people
can do whatever we want.

[Louise]
There it is.

But isn't conducting hard?

I mean, it's kind of just
waving your arms around, right?

-No?
-Yes.

-Oh.
-But it's also

about a perfectly timed
hair toss moment.

What's a hair toss moment?

-[exclaims]
-Whoa.

-Huh.
-Nice.

-Nice.
-That was, that was really good.

Anyway, this reception
will be a chance

to show the musicians
a good time, you know,

before rehearsals.
Butter them up a little.

Butter them up? Why?

Well, some of my ideas

about how the piece
should be conducted

are considered controversial.

[Tina]
Ooh. Dish.

Let's just say I'm part of
a small but passionate

group of Pfeffer-philes
who believe the composer

intended the first movement to
be played at a faster tempo

than most people are used to.

It unlocks the power
of the piece, makes it roar.

Fun. I love when things roar.

Lions, fires.

-The '20s.
-Woman.

So, if you help me out
with some tasty food items,

I'm prepared to forget
about this month's rent.

And if the evening
goes really well,

the food's a hit,
the musicians leave ready

to do anything for me,

and I'm not talking about
inside-the-pants stuff, Bob,

though I can see
you're thinking it.

No, no, no, I-I-- no.

-I was.
-If the evening goes well,

I'll forget about
next month's rent, too.

So, two months' rent?
Bob, it's pretty good.

Yeah. I-I guess
we're catering this party.

Wonderful. Okay,
my rules for caterers:

don't go poking around,
looking for secret rooms

or embarrassing
erotic paraphernalia,

and try not
to use the bathroom at all.

How about just one big one
at the end of the night,

-as a treat?
-If you must.

Yay.

♪ ♪

[Linda]
Look at us,
serving crispy cheese balls

like classy food people.

And I'm gonna have
just one more.

-Gene, no.
-Oh, boo.

Uh, Louise, what are you doing?

-Stacking napkins.
-That's-that's too many.

Is it, Dad?
Or do you think too small?

Okay, yup, too many.

I'll pick them up.

-Whoa!
-Ah, sorry. Floor napkin?

[sighs]
Okay, kids, know what?

I just realized that your
helping is not helpful.

All of you, maybe go--

-Explore the mansion?
-No, not allowed.

Play in the backyard.

-Okay.
-Sure.
-Okay, bye.

And the fastest way
to the backyard

is probably through
the entire house, right?

-[Gene] Mm-hmm.
-[Tina] Yup.

These sliders are
going over okay, right?

I got excited
about peach sliders,

but they aren't
an obvious crowd pleaser.

They're great, Bob.
Plus peaches keep you regular.

Right, sir? He gets it.

Oh, hi, Mr. Fischoeder.

Is the party going
how you want it to go,

uh, r-rent money-wise?

Bob, you see that man
over there? The one who's bald

but in a more distinguished way
than what's happening with you?

[Linda]
Oh, yeah. Smart-bald.

[Fischoeder]
That's Jackson
the concertmaster.

First violin.
If I can win him over,

the whole orchestra
will fall in line.

-Okay.
-But I can't go chasing him.

He'll smell fear.

I'm going to charm my way
through the other instruments.

The woodwinds will be easiest.

Sweet, skittish woodwinds.

I'll just ask to see
photos of their cats.

Then the brass players.
A bit fratty.

I'll get them
talking about their spit valves.

-Swap spit stories, if you will.
-[Bob] Mm.

[Fischoeder]
Percussionists over there.
I'll say "boom" a lot.

They'll love that. And finally,

the strings.
They'll think and do

whatever the concertmaster
thinks and does,

so if I reel him in,
by the end of the night,

I'll have all the strings
strung along nicely.

Sounds like a plan.

-[whistling]
-Yes. Yeah.

That's my Swedish-ish...
whatever... housekeeper Inga.

This is how
she likes to communicate.

[whistling]

Inga, what
are you trying to say?

I don't remember
what those mean.

-Felix is back.
-Oh, poop.

-But what's wrong?
-[growls] Felix can't be here.

Parties make him
even worse than usual.

I had arranged for him to be
at an ayahuasca retreat tonight.

And I a-wanna ask-a him
a-what happened.

Oh, a party. Okay.

Hi. Hello. You're here.

I was just at a super exclusive
ayahuasca retreat.

I left because they didn't have
my favorite ayahuasca flavor.

Barbecue. What's your
favorite ayahuasca flavor?

I bet it's dumb.

[sighs] I'll go deal with it.

But keep up the good work.
And, uh, smile.

Uh... not you, Bob.

-Mm.
-Uh, that's worse.

You hear that? He said,
"Keep up the good work."

Two months' rent, here we come.

Yeah. Oh,

the concertmaster guy's
coming over.

I'm sick of it, Kip.
Every season

there's a new rich nincompoop
we have to pretend to follow

while he stands up there doing
some arhythmic herky-jerky.

It's a waste of time
and talent. My talent.

-Yeah, an-and my talent.
-[chuckling] I mean...

What do you call someone
who hangs around musicians?

-Oh, I don't know.
-Uh, what?

A viola player.

[nervous laughter]

He loves the viola jokes.

It's fun for me,
as a viola player.

What's a viola?

[Tina groans]
This is a bad plan, Louise.

Is it, Tina? Or are you just bad

at boosting people up
to reach heavy swords on walls?

[Fischoeder]
You don't want to go
to that party, Felix.

[gasps] It's Mr. Fischoeder.

Abort. Abort.

-Ow, ow, ow.
-It's boring.

[clicks tongue]

Children, children, children.

Hmm.

Felix, I have
a favor to ask you.

Gross.

Will you watch
these little rapscallions

and keep them out of trouble
for the rest of the evening?

What? I don't wanna.

-Felix.
-I'm going back to the party.

I'll give you a scoop
of chocolate ice cream.

Two scoops.

-Deal.
-Hot fudge.

-You're pushing it.
-Fine.

Kids, follow me.
But don't look at my bottom,

these slacks are not flattering.

No, they're not.

I'll have Inga run
and drag your old toys

into the library
so you can keep 'em occupied.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We don't need someone
to watch us.

Shh. I need you to watch Felix.

Under no circumstances
is he to return to the party.

Ooh. What's in it for us?

How does $20 sound?

-Each.
-$30 total, ten each.

Plus the sword.

That's a Prussian dueling saber.

I'll find you
a dagger or a bayonet.

Will that suffice?

We okay with
30 bucks and a bayonet?

-Do we need a bayonet?
-You don't want to need it

-and not have it.
-Okay.

-Deal.
-Done.

People who own football teams

don't put themselves in
as "guest quarterbacks."

Excuse me, what's your name?

Uh, I'm Bob.
Uh, this is my wife Linda.

Yes, Bob, Linda,
how would you feel

if some entitled rich guy
in a white suit

showed up to where you work
and made you do his bidding?

-We can relate, actually.
-It happens a lot.

And what if that rich guy
wanted to take something

you hold sacred, something like,
say, Pfeffer's Fifth Symphony,

and just rich guy all over it?

You mean, because
of Mr. Fischoeder's whole

playing it faster thing?

Wait, what?

Uh, I mean, nothing. Forget it.

Oh, good Lord.

Are you saying
Fischoeder is a tempoist?

Uh, I don't,
I don't know what that is.

A-a what? A-a tampon-ist?

A tempoist.

They're crackpots
who think Pfeffer

intended the first movement
of the Fifth

to be played
at some ridiculous tempo.

They wave around one
illegible letter from Pfeffer

to his mistress as proof that
Pfeffer intended it that way.

It's a desecration.
It's like... it's like...

peach on a burger.

Fischoeder's idea, I assume?

Uh...

Well, I won't let Fischoeder

put his tacky, wacky peaches
on Pfeffer's burger.

I'm not going to play the piece,

and the orchestra
won't play it either.

-Whoa, um...
-Wha?

-Right, Kip?
-Um...

Kip's on board.
We'll sit on our hands,

and Fischoeder can
swing his little baton around

in a silent concert hall.
Come on, Kip.

Uh, coming. Great cheese balls.

-Super yummy.
-[Jackson] Kip!

-Uh-huh.
-Thank you.

Oh, God,
I blurted out the stuff

about playing it faster
and ruined everything.

-Calm down.
-Look, Lin,

the concertmaster's over there
spreading it all around.

[Linda]
Ah, I'm sure he's talking
about music stuff.

B-flats or whatever.

He was probably right
about the sliders, by the way.

Maybe the peaches are tacky.

Eh, Jackson
can go French a horn.

Mr. Fischoeder's coming over.
I... I got to tell him.

Bob, Linda, is it just me,
or has the vibe shifted?

I feel like we jumped from
the beginning of Boogie Nights

to the end of Boogie Nights.

Mr. Fischoeder, I-I'm sorry.

I accidentally told
the concertmaster

about your plan
to play the piece faster.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, and now he says
the orchestra won't play at all.

A big deal? Not a big deal?

Well, my intention was to save
that bit of info for my toast,

when everybody's tipsy and happy

and tooting each other's tubas.

-Ooh.
-Bob, I should have told you

not to speak. At all.
And to shower.

So those things are on me.
But I can still win them back.

[whistles]

[Inga whistles]

She said she'll be right over.

Or we're mating.
I'm not sure which.

Inga, under the bar is my copy

of Harvey Hirschman's
Superior Cocktails.

On page 52,
you'll find the recipe

for Cleopatra's Climax.
Make two pitchers.

And a pitcher for Inga?

Yes, yes, a pitcher for Inga.

When these feisty maestros
have a Cleopatra's Climax,

they're gonna loosen right up
and we'll be back in business.

-[grunts]
-Ooh.

She'll need help behind the bar.

Lady-Bob, how are you
with a garnish?

-Uh, great-ish?
-Splendid.

Your big fat mouth that doesn't
quite go with your mustache

hasn't ruined us yet, Bob.

Uh, good.

[Felix]
This one's fun.
You'll like this.

I've seen Indiana Jones.

Our faces
are about to get melted.

-[Tina and Gene gasp]
-Whoa.

Did you guys not have one
of these when you were little?

No, but we had a cup of slime
that made a fart sound.

I call captain.

I love the amount
of swords in this house.

You know what? This cannon
might possibly still work.

Cover your ears.

[wick burning]

And the cannons won't fire.

Well, this is gonna be
a long night.

-[shouting]
-Oh, my God!
-Oh, good.

Here you go. These are a hit.

Whoa, where'd you learn
to do that?

Olive Garden.

See, Bob? It's working.

Cleopatra's Climax has changed
the course of history

in the free world
more than once. Twice.

-Ow.
-Hmm, oily.

And look how
he decorated this place.

[laughing]
You'd think he had patches
over both eyes.

It's hideous.

Oof. Jackson gets even meaner

when he drinks hard liquor.

Remember the open bar
at the Nutcracker reception?

He made
the entire wind section cry.

[woman]
Oh, yeah. He broke those winds.

Oh, no. Jackson gets meaner
when he drinks hard liquor?

Yes, I heard. Not to worry.

I'll win him over with my toast.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

-I'm going to get pre-toasted.
-Okay.

[straining]

Good old Lincoln logs,

the shining star
of Abraham Lincoln's legacy.

These are the originals,

back when they made 'em
with big old logs.

Felix, maybe we can do
something else?

Something not as sweaty?
Or loggy?

God, you kids are difficult!

I'm gonna check out the party
real quick.

-No, no, no!
-Uh...
-No!

Don't go back to the party!
I-I mean...

Stay. Here? Uh, with us?

Geez, you love me.

Am I a great babysitter?

-Um...
-Uh, yeah.

Hey, maybe you could show us,
uh...

that thing.

Puppet show?

That is a puppet no from me.

-I want to go to the party.
-Okay.

What if we put on a show
for you?

Fine. But make it good.

No multiverse crap.
I'm sick of it.

-[indistinct chatter]
-[clears throat] Everyone,

I'd like to give a toast.

Hmm, I'm being drowned out
by the brass section.

Woodwinds,
now I know how you feel.

[chuckling]

Anyway,
I've been waiting patiently

for this moment all night long.

The timpani player can relate.

[timpani player laughs]
Yup.

Ha! I don't get it,
but he's doing good, right?

Yeah, but look
at the concertmaster.

[Linda]
Oh, God. Angry eyebrows.
So bushy.

I see Jackson Woodall, our first
violin and concertmaster.

-Let's hear it for Jackson!
-[applause]

You know,
I once saw Jackson play

the Mendelssohn Violin Concerto
perfectly,

even with a sprained
middle finger.

I can tell from the welcome
you've shown me tonight,

Jackson, that your middle finger
is back to full form.

-[chuckling]
-Can you pick up the pace?

-That's what you want us to do,
isn't it?
-[gasping]

-Oh, God.
-Not good.

[chuckles awkwardly]

Yes, I do believe

Pfeffer favored the Fifth
at a faster tempo.

But even if that doesn't fluff
your fiddle,

I only ask you to play it
and keep an open mind.

A piece that survived five wars

and its use in that one rather
poignant cracker commercial

-can certainly survive
my awkward fumblings.

[Jackson scoffs]

Oh, boy.

Now I want crackers.

Pfeffer's Fifth
was composed by a man

with decades of experience

and daily commitment
to his craft.

It premiered in Vienna
before royalty,

played by musicians who
indentured from the age of five

in order to earn their place
on that stage.

And you'd have it blaring
from a calliope

on a carousel on Wonder Wharf

while children spin around
on wooden horses,

going faster and faster
and faster and faster!

I won't stand for it! I won't!

Who's with me? Hands?

I want to see hands!

Hmm.

Message received.

I'll step aside.

I will not conduct
Pfeffer's Fifth.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to the place
where I keep my drugs.

And, no,
I don't intend to share.

-Oh, no.
-Yeah, that's not good.

-Here.
-Thank you.

Poor Mr. Fisch. He was
so excited about conducting

-his Pfeffeffeff.
-I feel like
I should maybe go find him.

This isn't exactly my fault,

but it-it is also,
uh, a little bit.

-A lot bit.
-[Bob and Linda] Aah!

A lot your fault.

He will be in the hedge house.

Wh-Where's the hedge house?

In the hedge maze.
Where else would it be?

Watch your step.
There is peacock poop.

Peacock poop in the hedge maze?

I don't judge your hedge maze.

Sor-ry.

And that's that episode
of Friends.

The one where they all
were puppets.

Great job.
Great Ross. Great Phoebe.

Wasn't even close
to Joey's voice.

Really? "How you doin'?"

-Mm-mm.
-Oh.

And now I believe
I will slip out

for a well-earned drinky-dink.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. [chuckles]
Uh, we're in a library

and we haven't even looked
at any books yet.

You've got to read us one, uh...

Uncle Felix.

Ew.

Uh...
[grunts]

-[Tina] Whoa.
-[Gene] Wow!

Yes. Secret room.

Yeah, libraries
have secret rooms.

Pretty sure it's the law.
Oh, my God.

You kids have never been
in a library hidden room?

That is so sad.

It is sad! It's pathetic!

Please show it to us.
Lot of dreams coming true here.

[sighs]
Follow me.

Remember the rule
about my bottom.

[Louise] Secret room,
secret room, secret room!

This is the home gym.

-Oh.
-You sound disappointed.

Are you a StairMaster person?

[insects chirping]

Wow. Peacock poop is huge.

-[classical music playing
in distance]
-Oh. Music.

It sounds like
it's coming from... that way.

-[squish]
-[groans] Damn it.

[strained]
And that's how you do it.

See how much stronger
I just got?

[grunts]

Each of you can do
three sets of 50.

I'm gonna pop into the party,

and you will stay...

[grunting]
here.

Are you trying
to lock us in here?

[strained]
No, I'm babysitting you.

Know what might work better? Why
don't you get on the other side

-and pull?
-Ha! You shouldn't
have told me that.

[grunting]
Ah!

No, no, no, no! Son of a...
[muffled groaning]

[Tina]
Do we feel good about this?

I feel good about $30
and a bayonet.

Besides, it's just till the end
of the party.

Yeah, and he's gonna get
so buff, he'll thank us.

-Yes! Hedge house!
-[classical music playing]

Hi, Mr. Fischoeder.

Is this the Pfeffer song?

Yes. The dumb slow version.

Uh, what-what are you holding?

It belonged to Pfeffer.
When he was composing the Fifth.

-What is it?
-His diaper.

-Oh! Uh...
-He wore it

so he wouldn't have
to leave his piano bench

for the three days it took
to write the adagio section.

"Tempoists."

We're not crackpots.
We're right.

Sure, no self-respecting
symphony orchestra

has ever recorded it faster.

But that's
because they're afraid.

Afraid of how right we are.

Read the letter for yourself.
You'll see.

-The letter?
-From Pfeffer to his mistress.

It's written in Austrian German,

and he uses
Italian musical terms.

I can't read any of that.

I don't know those languages.

Right. Yes, you speak
some crude worker dialect.

Look, right here--
he says he's excited

about the symphony
he's almost finished.

He says it will be
vivace con coraggio,

which means
"lively with courage"!

"Vivace" is understood to be
around 150 beats per minute,

but "con coraggio"
suggests a tempo

of at least 170 beats
per minute!

-Don't you agree?!
-Um, totally.

Obviously. Of course.

But, Mr. Fischoeder,

y-you were so excited
to conduct.

What if you just do it
the regular way?

I was excited. And I did get
my tuxedo re-tuxed.

So... can't you just go back
to the party

and tell them
you won't do the tempo thing?

[groans]
Okay.

Fine. I'll do it
the slow, sucky way.

Oh. Uh, good.
A-And you don't have to give us

the two months' rent.
Unless you want to.

Because you think
it would be cool.

[sadly] Don't worry.
You'll get your two months.

-Oh. Thank you.
-[sighs heavily]

Life can be disappointing, Bob.

Even when you're rich.

Do you think that would make
a good bumper sticker?

[Bob]
Part of it.

The symphony. We're here.
Can you believe it?

This family? We're so fancy.

Did everyone remember to fart
outside before we came in?

[others]
Yes.

Oh. Mr. Fischoeder!

Hello, Bob.

Are-are you excited?

[flatly]
Oh, quite.

Okay. Uh, how were rehearsals?

We played the piece
at the "normal" tempo

and I waved my arms around
the normal amount.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I should go backstage

and maestro-bate.

It's not what you think.

It's when you polish your baton.

But that's not what you think
either.

[soft chatter]

Row "G." Park it here, Coolio.

Thank you, Harold. Have you been
an usher here long?

-Can it! Sit!
-Yep.

Mr. Fischoeder just seemed so...

-Broken?
-Empty?

-A shell of a man?
-Yes. Thank you.

But isn't it better
to just do what you know works?

You know? Don't rock the boat?

L-Like those peach sliders
we made for the party.

They-they were too much.

What are you talking about?

People loved the peach sliders.

What? But the concertmaster said
that they were--

Who cares about that dork?

People were telling me all night
they loved 'em.

"Peach sliders. Peach sliders.
Mmm, mmm, mmm."

They were? No one told me that.

Well, people tell me things

'cause I'm a more engaging
and friendly person.

-You should try that, Dad.
-Gonna be tough

-with that face.
-Oh, yeah.

-Those jowls.
-Yeah.

I got to go talk to him.

But the thing's about to start.

Maybe you have two minutes?

Maybe it's like Guns N' Roses

and they come out
whenever they damn well please.

O-Okay, I'll be right back.

[grunting]

Back to your seat, slick.

-Show's about to start.
-Harold, I was just...
I got to--

-Just nothing, Jack.
-I got--

-Butts in seats.
-Please, I need...

Just for a second.
I'm just lea--

Hey, that guy brought food
into the auditorium!

Wha?! Okay, who's the wise guy?!

Someone must like smackdowns!

-Mr. Fischoeder?
-Bob,

what are you doing backstage?

Even by classical music
standards,

you're not hot enough
to be a groupie.

Poof, poof, poof, poof.

Um, the a-advice I gave you

-about just conducting the piece
the usual way...
-Poof, poof, poof.

-...I-I think I was wrong.
-Poof, poof.

You should do it.
The tempo thing.

-It-It's why you wanted
to conduct in the first place.
-Poof, poof.

-Who cares if it rocks the boat
a little?
-Poof, poof, poof.

The mustache man is right.

Th-Thank you, Inga.

-Now. Not before. Poof.
-Right.

-Old advice was stupid.
-Mm-hmm.

-I-I get it.
-Really bad.

Two minutes, people!

-It's time.
-So, are you gonna play it
at the faster tempo?

-Poof, poof, poof.
-It's too late.
It's not how we rehearsed it.

Inga, a little more
on the forehead.

-Poof.
-Bob needs a little, too.

-Poof.
-[coughing] Oh. Th-Thank you.

[Tina]
Think Felix is still mad at us

-for trapping him
in the secret room?
-[orchestra tuning instruments]

He'll get over it.
He's a big boy. Sorta.

-[growling]
-[Gene]
Wish he'd stop staring, though.

Waving.

-Punk!
-[Linda] Bob,

-sit, sit. It's about to start.
-[applause]

-Wait, what's on your face?
-Oh, it's, uh, powder.

You look good.
[sighs]

The concertmaster.

I hope he gets tromboned
in the strombolis.

[orchestra playing slowly]

[Bob sighs]

He-He's not gonna do it.
The tempo thing.

Well, he's doing... okay.

Looks a little stiff.

[Louise]
A lot stiff.

[Gene]
Mr. Stiffy up there.

♪ ♪

[tempo picks up]

Oh, my God.

Is he doing the fast thing?

[Bob]
I think he's trying?

[orchestra playing quickly]

[violin playing more slowly]

[Bob]
Uh-oh. The concertmaster's

trying to get them
to play it slower.

[gasps]
It's a tempo battle.

They're tempo battling.

[orchestra playing rapidly]

[Bob]
Is the orchestra into it?

And are people bopping
a little bit?

Looks like people are bopping.

[grunting rhythmically]

♪ ♪

[grunts]

-Hair toss moment.
-Damn.

That's my landlord.

♪ ♪

Ha-ha!

Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org