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1
00:00:09,259 --> 00:00:11,218
The pillows here are great.
2
00:00:11,219 --> 00:00:12,970
I know. I looked them up,
3
00:00:12,971 --> 00:00:16,181
and they're a blend
of memory foam and microfiber.
4
00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:19,226
Those pillows? [chuckles]
Yeah. I really like the pillows too.
5
00:00:19,227 --> 00:00:21,186
I slept good.
6
00:00:21,187 --> 00:00:22,646
Yeah, I slept very well.
7
00:00:22,647 --> 00:00:24,065
I slept like a homo.
8
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:29,112
You know, I think I'm gonna get
that chicken parm tonight. Mmm-hmm.
9
00:00:29,904 --> 00:00:31,906
I'm sorry, Barry. What did you just say?
10
00:00:32,490 --> 00:00:34,867
Uh, chicken parm. Chicken Parmesan. Hmm.
11
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,995
Yeah, it's an Italian dish.
12
00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:39,329
You slept like what?
13
00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:40,414
Oh, like a homo.
14
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,042
Yeah, it's just an expression.
15
00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:44,210
No, it isn't.
16
00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:45,837
And it's offensive.
17
00:00:46,921 --> 00:00:48,380
It's just something that people say,
18
00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:52,009
you know, like "It takes two to tango"
or "It's raining cats and dogs."
19
00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:54,970
Oh. "He runs like a deer,"
because he's really fast. Yeah.
20
00:00:54,971 --> 00:00:56,305
Those are called idioms.
21
00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:58,641
And that's not like
anything you just said.
22
00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:00,226
Yeah, it is.
23
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,981
You know what? My cousin,
he went parasailing once,
24
00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:08,067
- and he said that if you...
- [whispers indistinctly]
25
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:10,444
...have to go to the bathroom up there,
you just go.
26
00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:12,654
They don't care.
Because you can't come down.
27
00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:14,615
- [glass clinking]
- It'd make a weird rainbow.
28
00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:15,949
You wouldn't be able to see it.
29
00:01:15,950 --> 00:01:17,826
All right, everybody, let's get started.
30
00:01:17,827 --> 00:01:21,246
We got a really productive
and fun-filled weekend ahead of us here.
31
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:24,458
I got a close-up magician coming in.
Guy I met on a plane.
32
00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:26,794
He's gonna have some tricks
just blow your mind.
33
00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:28,295
But before we get started,
34
00:01:28,296 --> 00:01:32,675
I unfortunately have some upsetting news.
35
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:35,261
Barry.
36
00:01:36,137 --> 00:01:38,138
I hate to do this in front of everybody,
37
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:41,935
but it came to my attention
that you said something that was
38
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,770
wildly inappropriate and offensive,
39
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:46,689
and we need to send you home.
40
00:01:47,982 --> 00:01:49,567
What? What happened?
41
00:01:50,693 --> 00:01:52,653
He said he slept like a homo.
42
00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:54,988
- [man 1] Homo?
- Yeah, I slept like a homo.
43
00:01:54,989 --> 00:01:57,408
- [woman] Barry!
- Sorry, homosexual.
44
00:01:57,992 --> 00:02:00,994
I just said something that,
you know, it's factually correct.
45
00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:03,705
- True.
- Barry. That's not a phrase you can say.
46
00:02:03,706 --> 00:02:08,128
Well, but it's true. You know, I was just
really tired and I just slept that way.
47
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:11,798
But it doesn't make any sense.
48
00:02:14,008 --> 00:02:15,635
Okay, well, just think about it.
49
00:02:16,302 --> 00:02:19,305
You know, it's physically exhausting,
50
00:02:20,056 --> 00:02:22,934
pounding or getting pounded in your anus.
51
00:02:23,518 --> 00:02:25,978
That wears you out
way more than vaginal sex.
52
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:29,273
- Barry--
- It's true! There's no doubt about it.
53
00:02:29,274 --> 00:02:30,524
Imagine.
54
00:02:30,525 --> 00:02:33,861
You're getting plumbobbed,
real deep and hard.
55
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:37,281
When your partner is about ready
to pull out, it might hurt a lot.
56
00:02:37,282 --> 00:02:39,784
So you've got
all this anxiety building up.
57
00:02:40,451 --> 00:02:45,247
And then the relief
after they come out of you?
58
00:02:45,248 --> 00:02:48,667
Oh, that release of stress,
59
00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:51,295
that makes you tired, man.
60
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:54,673
That's exhausting. That's all I'm saying.
61
00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:58,052
Last night, I just got
that real good, deep sleep.
62
00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:00,221
Like a gay guy.
63
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,182
[sighs] Barry...
64
00:03:04,183 --> 00:03:05,435
just go home.
65
00:03:14,986 --> 00:03:16,154
Wait.
66
00:03:18,948 --> 00:03:20,658
I can't let you fire him, Dave.
67
00:03:21,242 --> 00:03:22,160
Why?
68
00:03:23,786 --> 00:03:24,787
Because he's right.
69
00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:28,666
And how would you know that, Phil?
70
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:30,877
Because I'm gay.
71
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,712
No way.
72
00:03:33,713 --> 00:03:36,841
I am. And every single thing
that Barry said is true.
73
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,302
I wondered why you were
uninterested in us.
74
00:03:40,303 --> 00:03:43,973
Well, it's really your personality, Mary,
but yeah, I'm gay.
75
00:03:44,891 --> 00:03:48,311
Hey, that anal stuff,
was he making that up?
76
00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:51,313
No, Butch. The anal stuff's all true.
77
00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:52,481
No shit.
78
00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,108
It is so tiring.
79
00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:55,943
Believe me.
80
00:03:55,944 --> 00:03:58,196
And you do sleep way better after.
81
00:04:00,114 --> 00:04:01,616
I've missed work from doing it.
82
00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:05,244
You weren't sick last week.
83
00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:06,537
No, I went to the RNC.
84
00:04:07,455 --> 00:04:09,581
Anal sex doesn't make me tired.
85
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:11,583
- Was it gay anal?
- No.
86
00:04:11,584 --> 00:04:12,752
There you go.
87
00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:14,878
Oh.
88
00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:18,423
Hmm. Phil makes some important
points there, right?
89
00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:21,468
I mean, I certainly didn't know
that was a true statement.
90
00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:22,428
It is.
91
00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:26,391
In fact, it might be
the truest statement I've ever heard.
92
00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:38,318
Certainly feel like I got my exercise
jumping to conclusions today.
93
00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:41,280
[chuckles] But, you know,
we all learned something today.
94
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,992
And that's why we
do these retreats, right?
95
00:04:44,909 --> 00:04:45,785
Barry?
96
00:04:46,703 --> 00:04:49,038
Please, sit back down.
97
00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:54,419
Yeah.
98
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,088
I'm sorry, Barry. I was wrong.
99
00:04:58,089 --> 00:04:59,256
Oh, it's fine.
100
00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:02,217
May all of us sleep like a homo tonight.
101
00:05:02,218 --> 00:05:04,386
- Yeah.
- He knows! [laughs]
102
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:05,305
Hear, hear!
103
00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:06,805
I do.
104
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,725
- [man 2] Hear, hear!
- [all laughing]
105
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,978
I'm glad we're past that.
Because I have to shit like a Jew.
106
00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:14,897
You're a fucking terrible person.
107
00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:24,865
Health. There are so many things
you have to do to master it.
108
00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:26,117
Some people eat right.
109
00:05:27,368 --> 00:05:28,786
Some people do yoga.
110
00:05:29,620 --> 00:05:32,664
And for some people,
the only way they can function
111
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:36,752
is to experience the nonstop laughter
with millions of fans,
112
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:39,964
knowing it could all go away
at any moment.
113
00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:47,472
[man 1] Tom?
114
00:05:48,389 --> 00:05:49,474
[woman 1] Tom?
115
00:05:51,684 --> 00:05:53,895
- [man 2] Oh, my God.
- [woman 2] He's got a gun?
116
00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:55,520
[man 3] He's got a gun!
117
00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:58,356
- [sinister music playing]
- [woman 2] Oh, my God.
118
00:05:58,357 --> 00:05:59,649
[man 4] Hold on...
119
00:05:59,650 --> 00:06:00,817
[man 5] No, no, no, no!
120
00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:02,612
- [woman 1] Tom.
- [man 1] Put the gun down.
121
00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:05,822
[man 5] Tom, don't do it!
122
00:06:05,823 --> 00:06:07,742
[cell phone rings]
123
00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:10,661
Hello?
124
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,247
My show got renewed.
125
00:06:15,124 --> 00:06:17,751
We each approach being healthy
in unique ways.
126
00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:21,839
But some of us are given genetic gifts
the rest of us could only dream about.
127
00:06:22,507 --> 00:06:24,258
But what if you could have it all?
128
00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:29,806
Heart muscle can become excessively thick.
129
00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:32,099
Hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
130
00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:35,435
can lead to some
very serious complications
131
00:06:35,436 --> 00:06:38,563
like atrial fibrillation, which is...
132
00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:40,732
- [woman] Start your fitness journey today.
- Hold on.
133
00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:42,192
[all laughing]
134
00:06:42,193 --> 00:06:46,446
I, um... Uh, I was gonna try to join a gym.
135
00:06:46,447 --> 00:06:49,324
- [male student] Show us your abs.
- [all laughing]
136
00:06:49,325 --> 00:06:50,951
- [bell rings]
- You're all dismissed.
137
00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,912
You guys have a good week, okay?
138
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:55,456
It's gonna take more than a gym.
139
00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:57,834
Okay, great. Thank you very much.
140
00:07:07,301 --> 00:07:10,179
End of the night, there were
15 people in the hot tub.
141
00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:12,974
Anyway... Hey, can I help you?
142
00:07:13,850 --> 00:07:14,892
This is the gym?
143
00:07:17,353 --> 00:07:20,730
Sorry. I went on the website
just filling out a thing.
144
00:07:20,731 --> 00:07:21,731
Mr. Hale.
145
00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:24,025
- Yes?
- I got you down for a 3:15 tour.
146
00:07:24,026 --> 00:07:25,694
This is our membership pamphlet.
147
00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:29,030
It's got all the rules, regulations.
You're gonna wanna read that.
148
00:07:29,031 --> 00:07:31,199
- Okay?
- Yeah. I just...
149
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:33,910
always find a way
to talk myself out of these things.
150
00:07:33,911 --> 00:07:35,704
Well, not today, my friend.
151
00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:37,873
Listen, let's get your signature on that.
152
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:40,333
It's a one-year commitment,
but try not to think of it
153
00:07:40,334 --> 00:07:43,211
as a commitment to a gym,
but a commitment to yourself.
154
00:07:43,212 --> 00:07:44,380
You know what I mean?
155
00:07:51,179 --> 00:07:52,054
Bro.
156
00:07:53,055 --> 00:07:54,640
- Hmm?
- You good?
157
00:07:56,392 --> 00:07:58,144
Yeah. Yes.
158
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,229
All right. Welcome to the party.
159
00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:03,232
Get you your pre-workout shot.
160
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,692
Oh, I'm good.
161
00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:07,320
Take the shot.
162
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:10,781
Grip and dip it.
163
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:15,494
Mmm-mmm-mmm. All right.
164
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,996
Day one of the new you.
165
00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:22,043
You've got your rowers, runners, ergs.
You got your assault bikes.
166
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:23,877
One more, Eduardo.
167
00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:25,545
I'm just fucking with you, man.
168
00:08:25,546 --> 00:08:26,839
We got new high bars.
169
00:08:27,423 --> 00:08:29,382
Yeah, great form, man. Keep it up.
170
00:08:29,383 --> 00:08:31,384
And this is the locker room.
171
00:08:31,385 --> 00:08:33,303
Just take any one that's free.
172
00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:34,304
Okay, cool.
173
00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:35,889
So how did you hear about us?
174
00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:38,308
I was actually on a Reddit thread and...
175
00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:40,102
- What's up, man?
- Good to see you.
176
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,773
People were, uh...
177
00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:47,359
They were raving about it.
178
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,110
Yeah, our fans, they go hard.
179
00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,696
Yeah. It...
180
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,864
Yeah. He's a good guy.
181
00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:54,115
Well, showers through there.
182
00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:56,701
You got any questions, I'll be out front.
You're gonna love it.
183
00:08:56,702 --> 00:08:57,953
Let's get hardcore.
184
00:08:57,954 --> 00:08:59,121
Let's do it.
185
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:26,274
[sighs]
186
00:09:34,740 --> 00:09:36,826
[straining]
187
00:09:37,535 --> 00:09:39,245
Here, here. I got you, bro.
188
00:09:40,121 --> 00:09:41,831
Dude, what the fuck?
189
00:09:43,207 --> 00:09:44,291
I was good.
190
00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:45,709
I was just trying to help.
191
00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:47,544
That's a weird, weird way you help.
192
00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:48,837
- Weird?
- Yeah.
193
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,755
You didn't think that was weird?
194
00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:52,800
- [man] I'm sorry.
- Everything good, bro?
195
00:09:54,468 --> 00:09:55,469
You know...
196
00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:58,806
I just... I don't think I fit in here, okay?
197
00:10:01,934 --> 00:10:05,229
You guys do your own... whatever that was.
198
00:10:16,782 --> 00:10:17,950
What the fuck?
199
00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:21,370
Nice hammer!
200
00:10:21,954 --> 00:10:23,205
- Thanks.
- First day?
201
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:25,582
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
202
00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:27,251
First day is the craziest.
203
00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:29,919
How?
204
00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:33,591
Well, either your dad's Secretariat
or you took something.
205
00:10:34,925 --> 00:10:35,926
The shot.
206
00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:39,679
- What was that?
- Yeah. I don't know.
207
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:40,973
{\an8}But it does that.
208
00:10:41,724 --> 00:10:43,601
[upbeat music plays]
209
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:51,025
Dude! Welcome back.
210
00:11:02,119 --> 00:11:03,496
What's up, Chief?
211
00:11:15,299 --> 00:11:16,801
[woman moaning]
212
00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:19,637
Oh, my God.
213
00:11:20,846 --> 00:11:21,764
My man.
214
00:11:24,558 --> 00:11:27,561
And in the words of the great Jonas Salk,
215
00:11:28,104 --> 00:11:33,401
"The reward for work well done
is the opportunity to do more."
216
00:11:34,443 --> 00:11:35,403
[all whooping]
217
00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:38,071
[male student] Yes! Yes!
218
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:39,447
[woman] Yes! Yes!
219
00:11:39,448 --> 00:11:40,908
[moaning]
220
00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,619
Whoa. You satisfy me in every way.
221
00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:48,791
Ah!
222
00:11:54,171 --> 00:11:55,004
Oh!
223
00:11:55,005 --> 00:11:58,341
{\an8}Oh, yes! Yes! Ow! Ow!
224
00:11:58,342 --> 00:12:00,009
{\an8}- Stop.
- Wha... Wha...
225
00:12:00,010 --> 00:12:01,469
{\an8}- What happened?
- Oh!
226
00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:03,680
{\an8}I guess my eyes were bigger than my pussy.
227
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:06,641
Fucking dickzilla
trying to split me in half.
228
00:12:06,642 --> 00:12:07,725
No, thanks.
229
00:12:07,726 --> 00:12:10,396
[pensive music playing]
230
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:28,204
In all my years of teaching,
231
00:12:28,205 --> 00:12:32,375
I've never had a less impressive
group of students.
232
00:12:32,376 --> 00:12:36,212
It's not like you're gonna
end up being doctors, you know?
233
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:38,465
- You're just gonna end up--
- Come on.
234
00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:41,719
Wait, I'm teaching a class.
These are my students.
235
00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:47,141
Hey, what's up, Chief?
236
00:13:05,451 --> 00:13:07,203
[alarm beeping]
237
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:27,681
[honking]
238
00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:30,976
[tires screeching]
239
00:13:32,394 --> 00:13:33,604
[honking]
240
00:13:36,815 --> 00:13:38,150
Hey, what's up, man?
241
00:13:40,528 --> 00:13:41,736
Look at this shit.
242
00:13:41,737 --> 00:13:43,447
Oh, is it too much?
243
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:46,367
I'd say so!
244
00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:48,452
Well, you kept taking the shots.
245
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:50,662
I thought I was supposed to.
246
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:53,164
- You read the pamphlet.
- Pamphlet?
247
00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:55,876
Yeah. Day One pamphlet.
Explains what can happen.
248
00:13:56,544 --> 00:14:00,296
You don't think maybe this deserves
more than a pamphlet?
249
00:14:00,297 --> 00:14:01,881
We can fix it. We can fix it.
250
00:14:01,882 --> 00:14:03,801
All right? Just calm down.
251
00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:07,012
You go to the back hallway.
252
00:14:07,596 --> 00:14:10,056
There's a door marked "Staff." Okay?
253
00:14:10,057 --> 00:14:11,475
They can help you.
254
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:14,812
Best of luck.
255
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,304
They said you could fix this.
256
00:14:56,562 --> 00:14:57,688
Very funny.
257
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,357
Oh, you're not gonna laugh.
258
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:02,734
You want me to hack my dick off?
259
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:05,154
No. You want to hack your dick off.
260
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,739
I'm giving you the tool to do it.
261
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,325
What kind of solution is that?
262
00:15:10,326 --> 00:15:12,161
How many shots did you take?
263
00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:16,415
- Maybe 20.
- God damn!
264
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:21,085
You took maybe 20 shots
to make your wee-wee grow,
265
00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:23,213
and now it's too much,
so you want it to go away.
266
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,007
How do you think that happens, mmm?
267
00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:29,218
Does it, you know, look normal after that?
268
00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:32,221
Hell no! Looks like
somebody hacked your dick off.
269
00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:33,640
Then I don't wanna do it.
270
00:15:33,641 --> 00:15:34,934
Okay.
271
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:40,689
Wait, wait.
272
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:42,775
Have other people done it?
273
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:48,072
[eerie music plays]
274
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,075
There's so many dicks.
275
00:15:58,248 --> 00:15:59,208
Do it, man.
276
00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:08,092
[uneasy music plays]
277
00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:12,388
Do it now.
278
00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:16,641
Do it. Come on.
279
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:18,268
What are you waiting for?
280
00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:20,228
Cut it off.
281
00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:21,437
[whimpers]
282
00:16:21,438 --> 00:16:23,315
[screaming]
283
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:27,987
[continues screaming]
284
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:36,244
[Tom] Talk myself out of these things.
285
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:39,664
Talk myself out of these things.
Talk myself out of these things.
286
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:42,251
Always find a way to talk myself
out of these things.
287
00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:48,590
Bro.
288
00:16:49,591 --> 00:16:50,592
Huh?
289
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:52,761
You good?
290
00:16:55,222 --> 00:16:56,765
Fuck yes, dude!
291
00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:59,059
All right.
292
00:17:02,229 --> 00:17:03,604
Ah, thirsty boy.
293
00:17:03,605 --> 00:17:06,482
Mmm-hmm. Let's get this shit started.
294
00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,485
[upbeat music playing]
19492
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