All language subtitles for veep.s07e07.web.h264-memento

I just found out that math
was created by Muslims.

Math teachers are terrorists!

SELINA MEYER:
How about for once in your life,

you stop complaining
and just man up.

(APPLAUSE)

I've decided
to suspend my campaign

for President
of the United States.

That bastard Ballentine caught
shingles from Typhoid Jonah.

That makes you the governor
of Iowa!

- AMY BROOKHEIMER: Ma'am.
- SELINA MEYER: What?

You are not going to believe it.

Tom James is fucking Michelle.

You can have Tibet.

What?

MEYER:
What's going on here?

I thought nobody gave
two Osama bin Shits

about the drone strike.

This is about killing elephants.

Is this gonna affect
my numbers, you think?

Yes.

- ( gavel striking )
- Man: OK!

All right, ladies and gentlemen,
the final votes for tonight.

Governor Calhoun, 420.

Congressman Ryan, 453.

Senator Talbot, 1,785.

- Boo!
- President Meyer,

1,817.

No candidate has secured a...

delegate majority of 2,368,

so we have no nominee.

- Did we win?
- Oh, yeah.

I'm the president,
and you're the first lady.

Oh, we would crush it.

And it seems
we have ourselves

a deadlocked convention,

the first since 1952.

Senator Talbot has indeed
made a miraculous comeback.

You know, it's worse
having to hear it from Mike.

Furlong wants to see
all the candidates
for a late-night pow-wow.

- No offense, Marjorie.
- Some offense.

Mom, you need to tell the party

that they never should have
held the convention
in North Carolina.

Their bathroom bill
is an absolute disgrace.

Guys, who gives a shit
where people shit?

That is literally
the point, Mother.

OK, then we agree.

Right? Shut. Up.

Selina:
We have to get in touch

with all the floor whips.

We have to make sure
our delegates hold.

- I'll whip the whips.
- You know, the Chinese

are ready to fix
this whole damn election
if I can be the nominee.

- Not here. Not hearing this.
- No, that is the plan.

( music playing )

( motorcade sirens blare )

- How ya doin' there, John?
- Outstanding, ma'am.

That's my hero. And keep on
getting it out there

that I plan on choosing
Governor DeVito as my veep,

'cause we might get
a few more delegates
out of this.

Wounded warrior,
Roman Catholic...

Oh, my God,
is that still a thing?

Two-time Ohio governor,
18 Electoral College votes.

Most importantly,
he has a penis.
Right, Governor?

DeVito:
I'm still with you, ma'am!

Till the end, like we used
to say back in Iraq.

- Might want to
double-check that penis.
- Ben: That's Kent's job.

Jonah:
Mr. Chairman,
I would just like to point out

that the official count
cannot be trusted.

Oh, no, Beautiful Mindfuck.

You are not gonna desecrate
my convention

with more of this
Muslim math nonsense.

How do you explain

that when I add up my delegates

- with Christian math...
- Amen!

the number is quite different
than the official total?

Because you were born with
three umbilical cords
wrapped around your neck,

- Hep C Kevin McHale.
- Jonah: No, I wasn't.

- Kemi: My apologies,
Mr. Chairman.
- Madam President.

Selina:
What is Leon
doing with her?

Installing cameras
in all her closets
and bathrooms.

So, what did I miss?
Did President Meyer
find a way

to steal the nomination from me
like she stole South Carolina?

Stealing South Carolina
is the bedrock

of our political system,
Senator.

Well, there it is,
that casual Meyer attitude

towards criminal enterprise,
just like her husband.

- Gary: Ex-husband.
- Step-husband.

If you can't figure out
how to steal South Carolina,

you have no business
being president.

- Oh, is that how you feel?
- Yes! Am I right?

- ( all talking at once )
- Roger: Hey! Hey! All right!

Right now, every Sunday pundit
and poli-sci major

is treating this
brokered convention

like it's a big-titted
college gymnast

whose daddy fucked with her
just enough

that she'll do some dirty shit,
but she can still cum.

Hittin' a little
close to home there, Roger,

minus the big-titted part.

We've never had
a complaint, have we?

But if we don't pillow-smother
this sad grandma of a convention

lickity-fuckin'-split,
we are gonna wind up with

four more years of Montez
clogging up the White House
plumbing with tampons.

- That's not a problem for us.
- It's fine.

Tomorrow is
the second ballot, OK?

None of these delegates are
bound to any candidate anymore.

So it's time to get out there
and start twisting some arms

and pinching nipples.
And what else, Will?

And may the best man win.

And may the hairiest man
zip-tie me to a slaughterhouse
drainage grate

and make tender hate
to my rear and mouth,
in that order, at his leisure.

Roger:
Ha ha! Beautiful.

Well done, pig. Dismissed.

Selina, you got a minute?

Roger, I don't
want to hear it.

We need a ticket.
Just offer her veep.

You and Kemi scissoring
at the top of the ticket

is gonna make everyone
rock hard.

I don't need her. OK?

I've got the diving bell
and the governor.

- Come on.
- Just make the deal!

Or what's gonna happen, Will?

Aw, shit, Will left.
It was a good one.

- Sorry to miss that.
- Amy: Ma'am.

Oh, God. Go away, Amy.
Really.

- Your voice is like a crow.
- But ma'am, I just want to--

No! There is no place
for Jonah Ryan
in my administration.

Or anywhere in the universe
where the building blocks
of life are present.

OK? I'll be right back.

- Uh, caballeros.
- Caballeros!

- Do you wanna
close the thing?
- Ben: Nice try, Amy.

Ben, we've already got Florida,
we've got a butt-load
of delegates.

Your offer is as appealing
as a Sriracha enema.

So fuck your offer,
and fuck you.

- It's always good to see ya.
- You too. I miss you guys.

- Amy: Keith,
you havin' fun?
- Keith: Yes, thank you.

- ( applause, chatter )
- Oh, thank you!

Oh! I hope I can
count on your support.

What are they clapping
like that for?

Congratulations, ma'am.
You just broke

- North Carolina's
transgender bathroom law.
- Selina: What?

Dan:
I've been fielding media
requests all morning, Richard.

The keynote speech
was such a hit.

New York Times?
Krugman is positively
creaming his khakis.

Amazing speech last night,
Governor Splett.

- Dan: Thank you.
- What state are you
a delegate from?

- The Ukraine.
- A Wisconsin sister state.

Can I get a photo with you?

- Sure.
- Absolutely not.
Thank you, though.

How 'bout I get one
of you two?

- Oh, yes.
- No, that's fine.

So sorry your wife couldn't make
the convention, Congressman.

- We have to go.
- Good seeing you.
Enjoy the convention.

Ben:
Morning, ma'am.

Some disturbing rumblings
from Justice--

Oh, I'm sorry.

What? It's OK, Ben.
You've seen behind the curtain.

My source tells me
that Kemi's been kicking up
some dirt on the Meyer Fund.

- Oh, come--
Well, that's Leon.
- I don't know.

Why does everybody
get good at their job
after I fire them?

- Lip time. Let's do lips.
- No, no, no.

I want to save the Dubonnet
for when I get the nomination.

OK? 'Cause it's discontinued.
I'm wearing this now.

There's a simple solution
for this, OK?

Just ask Kemi
to be your veep.

I cannot stand her!

And I don't say that
about a lot of people.

- Gary: Hmm...
- Plus, she called me
a criminal last night.

Kent and I were up all night
doing the numbers--

In the words of
the great Eleanor Roosevelt,

I would rather
cheese-grater
my clit.

- So we'll put a pin in that.
- That too.

Morning. Mom, you're
a regular bathroom warrior.

- Oh, really?
- We're very proud of you

for standing up
for the trans community.

Well, thank you,
Peppermint Patty,

but you're not a...

Oh, no, ma'am.
I'm a cis woman.

- I mean, that's not
a crazy question to ask.
- Not at all.

You and your gay pals
can make me the Grand Marshal

of the next parade
that you have that
messes up all the traffic.

Actually, ma'am,
it's a myth that lesbians
and gay men

have any natural affinity.

As a matter of fact,
Gertrude Stein

was physically disgusted
by male homosexuals.

- Excuse me?
- How'd she feel about
tedious lesbians?

Big fan, ma'am.

So how's the Piss Heard
Round the World

playing with all the delegates?

The NYPD found a van
full of explosives
at Kennedy Airport.

This is why everyone
should just fly private.

You've been completely
knocked out of the news cycle.

- Selina: Oh, God.
- Ma'am, Governor DeVito

is here
to speak with you
about his speech.

OK, great! Ha ha ha.
John-boy!

- Keith: Ah.
- Johnny?

Hmm.

Is he... Ah!

And there he is!

- Governor DeVito.
- Yes. My running mate.

Well, not literally,
of course but...

Did you get a chance to review
my nominating speech?

I did, and I have to tell you
something: it is a delight.

- I wouldn't change a word.
Right, Ben?
- Awesome. Absolutely.

So I'm gonna actually
talk to Kent about some numbers.

- Kent.
- The president,
she loved your speech.

Especially the line
"There are really
three Americas."

I'm so glad you
responded to that.

She's gonna use that
in her speech.

Pretend to talk to me
about numbers.

The most compelling number to me
is not a number at all,

- it's a concept.
- I said pretend, OK?

I was pretending.
My favorite number
is Euler's number.

She's also gonna take the line
"No matter what, I will always
stand for America."

- That's a reference
to my leg.
- She'll tweak it.

So are we good, then?
Everything cool?

- Ben: Great. All set.
- OK. Fantastic.

Thank you so much
for coming.

Really. Honestly.
Bye-bye. Take care.

( DeVito grunting )

Selina:
So good seein' ya.

Take good care.

- DeVito: Madam President.
- Yeah, yeah.

We're still good
on the veep slot, right?

Oh, yeah, hundred percent.
You're my veep.

- All right.
- Great.

- ( Keith chuckling )
- See you soon.

( crowd cheering
in distance )

I want to offer
Buddy Calhoun veep.

- OK.
- 'Cause with his delegates

and all that Bible-y B.S.,

the rest of the delegates'll
have to fall in line,

and Kemi can go and suck
lecture-circuit dick in hell.

And by "hell,"
I mean The Kennedy School.

- Hey, ma'am.
- Yeah.

The floor whips
are picking up a rumor

that Buddy is flirting
with endorsing Kemi.

Oh, please.
Buddy's not flirting
with anything

that's not wearing
a leather vest and a Nazi cap.

- Hey, guys.
- God created men's rooms
and women's rooms,

not "everyone rooms."
( chuckles )

I don't think Buddy's
gonna be taking your veep slot.

Buddy:
I don't want
to go into a bathroom

and be next to a woman

who is looking at my genitals.

I want that person
that I'm next to

to be a man,
or, better yet,
lots of men.

Glory, glory,
hole-ellelujah.

Ma'am, if Governor Calhoun
is joining forces with Kemi...

- We've gotta call Kemi
right away.
- No!

Not her! We're gonna
call Amy, um...

- Gary: Brookheimer.
- Brookheimer.

Jonah:
What are you guys
doing here?

You here to see me
get interviewed by Mike
on CBS News?

I wish, but I'm in
a bit of a rush.

I've gotta go
be interviewed by Mike on CBS.

Guess that means
you've been bumped.

Although ABC News
is doing a piece

on presidential also-rans who
can almost suck their own dicks.

So while you're in makeup,
why don't you go talk to them?

Ohh. Like you've never tried.

I'm probably
gonna need that mic.

You came to the convention

as Governor Richard Splett
of Iowa,

but after your
electrifying speech
just two nights ago,

party insiders
are calling you Richard Splett,
"future of the party."

Honestly,
I'm glad that what I said
resonated with folks.

Plus, it gave me a chance
to break out my ASL skills.

You know, for the deaf
American delegates.

Yeah. All right,
let's talk turkey, Governor.

- Wonderful pets.
- What about all these rumors

that Senator Talbot
is talking to you

about a position
in her administration?

When you listen to rumors,

you rue more than--

Nope. I don't know
where I was going with that.

Works in sign language.

Very cagey.
Jane, back to you.

- Stagehand: All clear!
- Thanks for having me.

Richard, that was fantastic.

Us Weekly wants
to do a piece on you:

25 Things That
No One Knows About You.

Well, number one is,
I love lists.

- Oh, Dan!
- Oh, hey, man.

What kind of suit is that?
Hugo Boss? ( snorts )

- What's wrong
with this suit?
- It's not network.

Female Speaker:
Hello, fellow Americans!

- Ma'am. You wanted to see me?
- Selina: Ben. Move.

Amy, we've been working
together a really long time,

it just occurred to me,
and you've always been like...

- Daughter?
- ...a sister to me.

More like
a childless aunt.

I just thought
for old times' sake

I might throw you a bone.

Have Jonah instruct
his delegates of Dr. Moreau

to back me
on the second ballot tonight,

and we might be able
to find something for him at--

Ben? Where can he do
the least amount of harm?

EPA.

Perfect.

( laughing )

- What is happening?
- ( cackling )

- Was she always like this?
- Oh, it used to be worse.

You haven't heard.

I haven't heard what, Amy?

Ben:
Oh, shit.

The suspect in the JFK bombing

is one Mr. Abdul Azeem,

a high school
mathematics teacher

whose Facebook page
is all about radical Islam

- and trigonometry.
- Kent: So are a lot
of people's.

Selina:
Move. Move!

...Azeem teaches
seventh grade algebra

and eighth grade
trigonometry...

Jonah was right.

He was spectacularly right!

And you know what
that makes me, sister?

- Spitty?
- The campaign manager

for the next President
of the United States!

So if you want to discuss
potential opportunities
for yourself

in the Ryan administration,

maybe I'll throw you a bone.

Ma'am... this is bad.

I know.

Do you want me
to take care of Amy?

- ( all cheering )
- For the last year

I have been crisscrossing
the country,

warning America about
the threat of math
to our way of life.

- All: Yeah!
- Which is why,
President Meyer,

Senator Talbot,
and Governor Calhoun,

I have something to say to you:

I told you so!

- Beth: He told you so!
- Yeah!

Oh, hey, do you remember
my five-alarm hottie
of a wife Beth?

She just got out of rehab today.

Yeah! And plus,
while she was in there,

she dropped a couple pounds
in all the right places,

so she's hella even hotter
than she was before.

- Man: Kill her!
- Yeah! I mean, not her, man,

but yeah, sure.

Look, I love America,

but it is time to face facts.

This is a horrific country
that is falling apart

because it is full of people
who are different than me.

- I was right!
- ( all cheering )

And that means
I should be president!

Thank you! Thank you!

Amy:
That is 34 more delegates
from Selina

and 17 from Kemi.

- We have Florida...
- Jonah: That's right, guys,

next stop, the White House,

and then it's payback time!

- Clay: Mom!
- Beth: Hi, Clay!

- She's out?
- Oh no, I'm all better.

- Hi, Beth.
- Hi, Amber.

We just got denounced
by the ACLU.

We are going to win this thing!

- Yes!
- Jonie, my boy!

- Fuck me!
- We did it!

Ever since you were little,

I've been telling your mom,

"Someday that beautiful,
brilliant boy of yours

is gonna do great things!"

I thought you told my mom
to sell me to a child molester

and use the money
to get her tubes tied.

Eh, we're family.

Come here, you!

You know, the Jews have a word
for this feeling I'm having
right now.

I can't remember--
it sounds like three Germans
cumming real hard

inside something
that doesn't want them to.

Oh, Jewish is such
a beautiful language.

That's not the only reason
I'm here. I come bearing gifts!

New Hampshire's 27 delegates
are yours!

Oh, thank you, Uncle Jeff!

Jeff:
Get me Vermont.

- I think I can
sweet-talk them.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, Jeff Kane.
Who am I speaking with?

Ah. How's your dad?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

OK, shut the fuck up!

Listen, you Subaru-driving
bull dykes!

You better back Jonah
on the next ballot

or you will be leaf-peeping

from inside your own
maple syrup-soaked assholes!

I'll give 'em five minutes,
then I'll hit 'em with Bad Cop.

They're calling it Ryan Fever.

The former congressman's
message is finding
a new audience...

Assemblyman, I have been
to Buffalo six times,

and I'm not even
a serial killer.

So I-- OK, forget it.

- Ma'am. Ma'am.
- What? What?

The captain of
the Texas delegation

says that
all of his bum steers

are stampeding towards Jonah!

We cannot lose Texas.
Texas is our firewall!

Listen, Ben, you gotta
go back to Texas right now, OK?

And just tell 'em
they can violate me
with their assault rifles

and a full slab of ribs
on top of a stack of
slavery-free history textbooks.

- You gotta go do that, Ben.
Go do that right now.
- Texas is our firewall.

- Selina: Yeah, do it.
- Ma'am. Ma'am.

- Yeah, what is it?
- You need to see this.

We never got proper answers
about the Meyer Fund

or its many foreign donors.

- This is Leon.
- That is why I've asked

the Justice Department
and the FBI

- to reopen its investigation.
- Oh, my God.

The president
was in close contact with
her husband Andrew Meyer

- Selina: The FBI?
- up until his extremely
suspicious death.

Why is this so hard?

I just wanna be president.

Do you want six almonds?

No!

This, Kent, is why I was right

not to offer her veep.

- She's the worst.
- Yeah.

Ma'am,
all due respect,

maybe you should consider...
being her veep?

That's not fucking funny, Kent.

I haven't been funny
since 1987.

- Keith: Ma'am? Um...
- What?

Adios, New Mexico.

Ohh.

- ( Ben grunting )
- Richard: Hey, Ben.

- Ben: Out of my way.
- Sorry.

- Jesus.
- At least he's getting
some exercise.

Oh, yes! ( chuckles )
Politico's reporting

that Jonah's talking to you
about the Secretary of Commerce.

Richard:
I wish. Sounds much better than
the conversation we were having

about why his urine is pink.

We ruled out beets
because he doesn't know
what those are.

Then had to rule it
right back in
for the same reason.

Richard, look,
there was no offer, OK?

It was me, all right?
I pulled that turd
out of my ass,

covered it in ketchup,
and Politico asked for seconds.

You could've ended
that sentence at "me."

One thing is clear after
this runaway-Ferris wheel
of a convention,

and that's that Montez
is gonna be president
for another four years.

Well, makes sense.
She made me proud
to be an American again.

OK, but after that,
it's Splett Time.

We can't call it that

unless we want to get sued
by my uncle's podcast.

No, Senator,
this whole Meyer Fund story

is a distraction, sir,

the way a magician does tricks
to distract you

from how depressing his life is.

- And I-- I'll call you back.
- Ah-- Ah--

- So what'd you find out?
- Ahm-- Ahmj--

- What?
- Ajai-- Ajai--

- "Ajai"?
- ( groans )

Oh, my God! He's having
a heart attack!

- Kent: Eighth time's a charm.
- Gary: Oh, my God!

Selina:
Stay here with us, Ben!

I don't know the names
of any of the floor whips.

We need EMTs
up at the Meyer box, stat.

White male, type 2 diabetes...
also type 1.

Ma'am, there's something
happening out on the floor
you need to see.

Gary:
I'm gonna roll you over, Ben.

Kent:
No, no! No.

- What?
- Just look down there.

- ( gasps )
- Crowd: Draft Tom James!

You know, I just want to say,

I was roadkill on the side
of the political highway.

- ( all laugh )
- One of the nice things
about being dead is,

it gives you time to think.

- Also, fewer telemarketers.
- ( laughter )

But I thought, and I thought
that I don't like the direction
our party is taking.

Maybe the reason
we can't find a nominee is,

everyone's just saying
the same-old same-old.

- Man: Run, Tom, run!
- All: Run, Tom, run! Run...

What do you think
I'm trying to do?

Powerful words
from Tom James.

Let's go now
to Michael McLintock

on the convention floor
with Senator Tom James,

whose potential Hail Mary
is gaining steam.

I'm reading the wrong card.

( siren wailing )

Female Newscaster:
Many now say Tom James

is the only answer
they'll accept

as the brokered convention
drags on.

I honestly think
I might be in hell.

Kent:
No such place, ma'am.

The concept of hell
is a cultural memory

of pre-Mosaic child sacrifice
among proto-Judean peoples.

- You're making
a strong case for hell.
- Tom played it perfectly.

He'll clinch the nomination
on tomorrow night's ballot.

- ( knocking on door )
- Knock, knock.

Take State.

Kent:
Senator.

Here to rub it in, Tom?

No rubbing.

Gary. Get.

No, I just came by
to see how Ben was.

My first congressional race.

Ben can't have been
more than 140 years old.

He ran the other guy,
wiped the floor with me.

They may have to put him in
a medically induced coma, so...

It's what he always wanted.

All right, let's go.

Start your gloating,

make whatever insulting offer
it is you're gonna make.

I didn't come here
to make an offer.

I don't have
the patience for this.

And I'm certainly
not gonna beg.

I'm not asking you to beg.

There's nothing to beg for.

You don't have
a political future, Selina.

That is your punishment.

Punishment?

What are you
talking about?

I have people who like me,

lots of people with signs,

"New Selina Now" --
that is working. That--

The party, and the nation,
will never forget

all that "door"
you pushed open--

yes-- backwards
and in heels.

- ( monitor beeping )
- Hang in there.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Hold on.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Please, come on. If--

Tom, when we're not
the worst team ever,

we make a really good team!

- Please!
- ( knock on door )

Oh. Madam President.

Senator,
the New York delegation
is on the phone.

Well, it's been fun.

Let's do this again at Ben's
next cardiopulmonary event.

I'll wave at you
from the stage.

Yeah, well, that was gloating.

- A little bit.
- Yeah.

Wipe that grin-eating dick
off your face.

( indistinct announcement
over P.A. )

( sighs )

Ben:
( mutters ) Oh.

I could use a drink.

Yeah. Me too.

Phew.

Ben:
Tom James.

Kent says he'll take it
on tomorrow night's ballot.

I think this is it
for me, too.

Oh, no. You're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be
good as new,

and then we'll figure out
my next move.

I've had a dozen
heart attacks, and...

if I play my cards right,
I'll have a dozen more,

but I think this
is my last rodeo.

No, Ben!
You're my hatchet man.

You're the hatchet man.

I need you.

( crying )
How can I do this without you?

Don't be an idiot, Selina.

You know exactly what to do.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

OK.

( sobbing softly )

Hey, do me a favor.

( sniffles )

What?

Don't tell my wife
and kids, OK?

I mean, I could really
use the break.

That's not a problem.
I've never met 'em.

Gary: Ma'am.

OK.

Tom's making a move on New York,

so you get ahold
of Governor Schnozzlestein
right now,

you tell him I want
to see him tonight.

I'm not gonna let them
take this from me.

- Gary: Hmm.
- OK? Go.

( Selina chuckles ) OK.

Can't say I blame you.

I mean, that
Nutmeg State indefinable
really turns my hydrant on.

The only difference is

that I was the most exciting
conquest of his life,

and you just had the motel room
closest to the ice machine.

I don't know what
you're talking about,

because I am the Senator's
chief of staff--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for now,

but trust me,
he will never see you

as anything other than
the TGI Friday's hostess
on Proactiv

who lets him bend you
over his desk

while you close your eyes
to avoid coming face-to-face

with that framed photo
of his family's trip to Aspen

while he drowns
your Little Mermaid back tat

in a pool of jizz

and admires his own reflection.

- Jesus.
- Wow!

I just hate to see smart women

throw away their political
careers on powerful men

who only see them
as the gash of least resistance.

Mmm.

I mean, you strike me
as a smart woman.

Are you?

Yeah, well...

New York is in the bag.

- ( chatter )
- Selina: Congressman,

- how do you take your coffee?
- Decaf.

- Mnh-mnh.
- No? Oh.

Yup. Here we go.

So Congressman,
tell me something.

What can we offer up
to the Montana delegation

that would really
dick-slap 'em?

And I mean that
in a good way, of course.

Tom:
Get your fucking hands off me!

Where is she?!

You fucking monster!

Excuse me for half a sec.

You soulless, conniving cunt!

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh! Unless it's this...

- right here?
- The moment I began
working for Senator James,

his behavior was unprofessional
in a sexual manner.

- Is that the problem?
- Oh, fuck!

Senator James took advantage
of his power over me.

- Tom: He did what?!
- I had to endure sex acts

- that included...
- Yeah, it's so great.

- What did you offer her?
- I didn't offer her anything.

I mean, I helped her
with the wording.

- Oh, this--
- Shh! Shh! Look.

This is my favorite part
right here, actually.

I was just this naive,

innocent young woman
who had dreams...

"Innocent young woman."
( laughing )

That's hilarious,
don't you think?

But that girl
doesn't exist anymore.

She's dead!

- Murdered by Tom James.
- Oh, yeah.

That is actually all me.
I will take credit for that.

She didn't want to do it,
but I was like, "You've got to!"

My wife, my pregnant wife,
is not answering the phone.

I am now a national
fuckin' pariah!

Why would you do this, Selina?

I guess that
the Tom James charm

only goes so far
with the ladies.

I mean, that's one theory, but--

Oh, listen,
while I've got you.

Is it OK if I don't wave to you
from the stage?

Because with all of this,
I need to keep my distance.

You understand that, right?
Excuse me.

I'm so sorry for that
little minor interruption.

What the fuck are you?

Bye, Tom.

Toodle-oo.

So emotional, right?

This is why we need
a woman in office.

( Selina laughing )

So? What else
do we need to talk about?

Federal lands.

They need to be protected.

- We need more drilling.
- For drilling purposes.

Let's frack the crap out of it.

Selina:
Governor Calhoun,

what do I have to do
to get your support?

President Meyer,
I'm a simple man.

- I see that. Oh, uh-huh.
- Of faith.

But after
this bathroom incident...

That was just an accident.
Really.

Free to pee,
you and me, right?

- ( Kent laughing )
- Madam President,

homosexuality
is no laughing matter.

- OK.
- Pernicious.

Homosexuals are luring

decent, God-fearing
heterosexual men

into sin
and sweaty degradation.

( inhales, exhales ) Mmm.

You know, Buddy,
I gotta tell you something.

It-- It happens, and...

- you can't beat yourself up
about it.
- What?

- Never mind.
I hear what you're saying.
- Kent: Let's move forward.

Yes. Governor,
I am prepared to offer you

Secretary of Education.

Well, ma'am...

How 'bout that?

As excited as I would be

to remove dinosaur theory
from the curriculum,

I am just a little bit uneasy
about all this Meyer Fund
scuttlebutt...

I'll kill gay marriage.

In exchange for your support,

I will raw-dog a plank

right up our party's platform,

and I will outlaw
same-sex marriage.

Governor, can I get an amen?

You can get an amen,
and I'll throw in
a hallelujah,

- I love it.
- and my endorsement.

- Thank you, sir. Wonderful!
- Wow. Wow. Yeah!

- I think we're buddies now,
aren't we?
- Oh, yeah, very much.

Can you be a buddy with
someone of the opposite sex?

Well, under certain
circumstances. Yeah, we are.

- So, Buddy up!
- All: Buddy up!

That's a great expression.
Thank you so, so much.

He is not just gay,
he is Sam Rayburn gay.

Impressive negotiation, ma'am,

but we are still
approximately 662 votes short.

- I am well aware.
- Good.

( door opens )

Ma'am. You wanted to see me?

That's incorrect.

Ugh. Not in that outfit.

But yeah, come on in.

Amy, um...

um...

I want to offer Jonah
the V.P. slot.

- Both: What?
- Yeah.

It's the only move
we have left now,

and we're gonna
have to get it done today.

Ma'am, there are still
numerous permutations

that can play out here.
You don't have to do this.

Do the goddamn Islamic math.
You're the numbers guy.

Fuck the numbers!

I will not be part
of a campaign,

let alone an administration,

that includes Jonah Ryan
as vice president!

That is an entirely
unacceptable outcome.

Amy, you wanna talk
some sense into him?

- Don't do it.
- What?

Don't...
make Jonah your V.P.

Wow, you know what
I just remembered?

You are a terrible
campaign manager.

Ma'am, you can't let
an embittered, vindictive,

narcissistic man-child
be one heartbeat away
from the presidency,

let alone be the president.

There's no safer place
to stick Jonah Ryan

in all of Washington, D.C.

Being vice president
is like being declawed,

defanged, neutered,

ball-gagged, and sealed
in an abandoned coal mine

under two miles
of human shit!

It is a fate worse than death.

Besides, I'm not gonna die,

'cause I got the heart
and the twat

of a high school cheerleader
who's only done anal!

- I am begging you, please...
- Ma'am, entreating,

- supplicating,
beseeching...
- Think of--

Enough!

I didn't come
to North Carolina to lose.

I don't even like
to change planes here.

Jonah Ryan is gonna be
the vice president. You got it?

And that's final.
So get off your knees

and cut out this
melodramatic bullshit!

- Let's go.
- ( distant cheering )

- What's the rush?
- Oh, hey-hey!

You're my guy!

- OK, so I think we know
why we are here.
- Yes, ma'am.

- Yes, we do.
- I don't know
why we are here.

Me neither.
But I love meeting new people.

She is offering you
vice president,

you monument
to vaginal dryness.

Well, then, no.

I'm sorry?

I said no. As in never.

I will be president,
or I will be nothing.

And in fact, if I don't
get the nomination,

I might run as a third party
just to fuck your shit up.

Shut the fuck up,
you gum-recessed
face-anus!

Don't you see
you've just been offered
the second-most powerful job

in the world?!

No, you shut up, Uncle Jeff!

I will not let anyone
speak to me like that.

- President or nothing?
- Yeah!

- Ow!
- Are you kidding me?
You cockless cockroach!

You pile of failure
shaped like a rapist!

I am not shaped like a rapist!

...with my car, like I did
in kindergarten!

...figure out
what the fuck you were!

...with purpose
and repetition!

OK, fine! Jesus fuckin' Christ,

I'll be vice president,
just stop yelling at me!

- Selina: All right, fine.
- Crisis is now averted.

- No. I have one condition.
- Oh, shit.

- I want
my best friend Richard--
- And your only friend.

I want Richard to be
Secretary of farm shit.

Selina and Amy:
We'll have to fire Dan.

Why do you want to fire him?

Just as a way of saying sorry
for yelling at you earlier.

You know, feminism.

That sounds great.
Fire Dan. He sucks.

Mazel tov,
Selina, mazel tov.

- Thank you, Sherman.
- When you have a sec,

I want to talk to you
about one of the biggest
challenges facing the country

- in the 21st century.
- Sure. Tell me right now.

Casino licenses in Macao.

- Did you hear that, Keith?
- Keith: I did.

- OK, Macao.
- Catherine: How could you?
Tell me that it is not true.

Catherine, I'm right
in the middle of something.

Tell me that you did not
just trade away

- same-sex marriage
- Can you believe I'm having
to deal with this right now?

- to get
Buddy Calhoun's endorsement!
- It is just the party platform.

It's like a to-do list of things
we're not gonna do.

"Restore faith in democracy"?

We couldn't do that
even if we wanted to.

You cannot do this.
I will never forgive you.

If I had a dollar
for every "Mother,
I will never forgive you..."

- Bazillionaire.
- Correct.

Now listen, Mommy's got
a lot of work to do right now.

I have to write the press
release for my V.P. pick.

- There you go.
- Thank you very much.

- Why is Jonah helping you?
- Started from the bottom,

now we here.
Bwacka! Bwacka! Bwacka!

( Beth laughing )

- Oh, my God.
- Are you out of
your fucking mind,

Gram-Ma'am?

Oh-- No.
Oh, my God. OK.

I will never forgive you
for this!

- Mmm? Yep.
- Ka-ching.

I'm sorry about that,
folks.

That's OK. Cheers, ma'am.

Mike:
And on this history-making
11th ballot, Jane,

it looks like the convention

will finally have its nominee.

North Carolina Delegate:
...great state
of North Carolina,

the home of historically black
Fayetteville State University

and historically white
Duke University,

would like to yield
to the great state of Maryland!

Maryland Delegate:
Mr. Chairman, I move

that Selina Meyer
be selected by this convention

by acclimation
as our nominee

for President
of the United States!

Roger:
All those in favor

of nominating
President Selena Meyer

- by acclimation, say aye!
- Crowd: Aye!

- All opposed, please say no!
The measure...
- Crowd: No!

is adopted!

( cheers and applause )

We did it!

( crowd cheering )

Selina ( voiceover ):
I was three years old

the first time my father
put me on a horse,

and I fell right off.

( crowd laughing )

( crowd applauding )

Selina:
They say experience
is the best teacher,

and although my own daughter
never learned to ride well,

I've made it my mission in life
to teach...

I waited a long time for this.

Yeah, but this
Meyer Fund thing
isn't going away.

It's stickier than
a red wine-and-curry dump.

- Oh!
- We can't have
a damaged nominee.

- I know.
- Somebody's gonna go down
for this, Selina.

Like myself on any
traveling German businessman

- at a Dubuque
Radisson breakfast--
- Not now, Will!

Read the room!

Somebody's gotta
go down for this.

I just said I know, Roger.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- Gary: Look who I found.

Oh, hey, John.

Yeah, so I'm gonna take two
more lines from your speech, OK?

- Here, OK?
- That's about me waking up
in a hospital bed in Kabul

after the IED attack.

I'm gonna tweak it.

And I'm sorry about
the whole vice presidency thing,

but I knew you'd understand.

Oh. So you'll probably
want to cut the line

about you being
the vice president. Right?

Yeah. OK.
Let's go.

Selina:
...and pass it on to
the next generation in spades.

Over the years I may
have been thrown off
a few times,

but like my daddy taught me,
you always get right back on--

like America.

Announcer:
And now, to introduce
our party's nominee...

- Right. Break a leg.
- Gary: Oooh.

...John DeVito of Ohio!

( music playing )

Come on, come on.

( cheers and applause )

It'd be faster just
to lay down and roll.

Hello. I'm John DeVito.

And like the soldiers
I served with,

I'm here to talk tonight
about a woman

who always keeps her word.

Are you ready
for the Dubonnet?

- Hey, Gary?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I need you
to do something for me.

- You got something
in your teeth. Hold on.
- Oh. Sorry.

Anyway, listen, it's kind
of important, actually,

- and I would also say...
- OK, yeah. "Ahh."

- ...that's it's not easy...
- Gary: OK.

uh, and it's kinda
also not fair.

You want coffee
from across the street?

- Uh--
- Yeah?

Ah! I got it.
Little chia seed.

Nah, never mind.

Forget I ever said anything.

You look beautiful.

( chuckles )
And you are a lifesaver.

Aww. Oh, come on.

Yeah. I couldn't have
done it without ya.

You don't have to worry,
I'm not going anywhere.

Announcer:
...the next President

of the United States
of America, Selina Meyer!

- ( cheers and applause )
- ( music playing )

Selina:
Thank you!

Thank you!

I am Selina Meyer,

and I proudly accept
your nomination

for President
of the United States of America!

( cheers and applause )

Even if it took a while!

( Selina laughing )

The journey
that we begin tonight

has been many, many years
in the making,

and it all started in Kabul.

Waking up in a...

hotel bed...

That DeVito's
a helluva speechwriter.

Good evening,
Mr. Cafferty!

You ready for your sponge bath?

Call me Ben.

...to make the world a safer,

cleaner, better place!

- Man: Yeah!
- ( cheering )

So? What did we get?

President Meyer offered me
Secretary of Agriculture.

Yes, Richard!

Secretary of Swag-riculture!

Oh, my God. Yes!

I'm goin' back
to Washington, baby!

- But--
- No "buts," Richard.

For once in your life,
don't think so much,
just say yes.

- Yes.
- Good man.

But the "but" was:
"But you have to fire Dan."

- So I guess you're fired.
- What?

Thanks for making this
easy on me.

Ohhh. I gotta
get out of politics.

To be honest, I never thought
you were really cut out for it,
anyway.

Selina:
Finally, I wanted to say

a word about sacrifice.

It means to lose something...

for the greater good.

And when I look back

on my 52 years,

with almost 30 of them
spent in public service...

- Gary: What's going on?
- ...there is no one
who has sacrificed

more than me.

And there's nothing
anyone can do to stop me

from standing and walking
for my country!

Thank you,

and God bless America!

( cheers and applause )

♪ Harry Truman, Doris Day,
Red China, Johnny Ray... ♪

( indistinct )

Oh! God.

We got this.

- Oh. We did it. We did it.
- Yes.

( sustained cheering )

♪ We didn't start the fire ♪

♪ It was always burning since
the world's been turning ♪

♪ We didn't start the fire ♪

♪ No, we didn't light it,
but we tried to fight it ♪

♪ Little Rock, Pasternak,
Mickey Mantle, Kerouac ♪

♪ Sputnik, Chou En-lai ♪

- ♪ "Bridge on
the River Kwai" ♪
- Wonderful!

♪ Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle ♪

♪ California baseball ♪

♪ Starkweather, homicide ♪

♪ Children of thalidomide... ♪

- Ah-ahh!
- ( woman squealing )

- Congratulations, ma'am.
- Thank you!

We're going back
to the White House!

Congratulations
to you, Amy!

- Thank you!
- You're gonna be
Jonah's chief of staff.

- Huh?
- I don't like the way

you talked to me
the other day.

Amy:
Uh-huh.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- ♪ We didn't start
the fire... ♪

Selina:
Yes!

Jonah:
♪ He's a super veep ♪

♪ Super veep,
he's super veepy ♪

♪ Bowww ♪

Hi, Sue.

Sue, the Vice President

would like a minute
with the President.

The President told me
to pencil you in to half-past.
Go fuck yourself.

- Sue, when I am President...
- You won't be.

- if you want to work for me...
- I don't.

then I would start treating me

with the respect that I deserve.

- I am.
- Sue, as Vice President

of the United States,
I order you

to let me into
the Oval Office!

Goddamnit!

I'm just gonna
pop my head in.

Nice to see you, Amy.

( groans )

Michelle:
Ma'am, Joint Chiefs

are getting a little squirrely
about Chinese tank movements

- near the Tibetan border.
- What a bunch of pussies.

And we're expecting a call
from the Israeli prime minister

about the Palestinian
food riots.

That reminds me,
I'm starving. Gary!

Oh. Ma'am, Gary
doesn't work here.

I know. Why are you
telling me things
that I already know?

Sorry. But I would
be more than happy

to get you something to eat.
What would you like?

- You figure that out.
- OK.

Why am I coming up
with solutions for you?

That's your job, right?
That's not my job.

Both:
Sorry, ma'am.

The level of incompetence

in this office is just--

( exhales )

Sue:
Ma'am, the Israeli
prime minister

is on line three.

David? Shalom.

So, what did
the Palestinians
do this time?

David, I have to tell you,
my daughter Catherine

was exactly the same way--
a whiner.

Nyeh-- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- ( whispers ) What?
- This is your speech
for this afternoon.

( whispers )
Glasses.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, no, no, no.
Not you, David.

Yes.

Well, tell me,

how can the United States
help you?

( music playing )

Good afternoon,
I'm Michael McLintock,

with live coverage of
the funeral of Selina Meyer,

America's first
woman president.

While she may have only served
one full term,

Meyer is fondly remembered

for briefly freeing
what was once known

as the nation of Tibet,

as well as for permanently
overturning same-sex marriage.

The former president
passed away earlier this week

at the age of 76
or possibly 77

or, according
to some sources, 75.

After lying in state
in the Capitol,

her casket made the journey
to her final resting place:

the Selina Meyer
Presidential Library

at Smith College
in Northampton, Massachusetts.

Among the dignitaries
personally selected
by Selina Meyer

to sit in the front row
are many former rivals

in a Meyer-esque gesture
of grace and good will.

Former President Laura Montez,

the Dalai Lama,

former Vice President
Andrew Doyle,

former two-term
President Kemi Talbot,

who will deliver her eulogy...

How does Mike
have more hair than I do?

Maybe because
he has two testicles.

Jonah:
Montez looks good.
I'd still do her.

Beth:
Count me in.

I didn't want to go
to that stupid funeral anyway.

Then it's a good thing you got
impeached, they didn't have
to invite you.

- Marjorie: Catherine,
you're missing it!
- Catherine: Coming!

You know, Richard,
there are few things in life

more difficult than
the loss of a parent.

Who wants margaritas?
Ha!

- Over here.
- What did I miss?

Mike:
The Presidential motorcade
has arrived,

and here comes President
of the United States

Richard Splett
and the First Lady,

Annette Splett,
somber but elegant,

basking in the glow of
a landslide re-election

following President Splett's
historic three-state solution

Middle East peace agreement,

for which he won
the Nobel Prize.

Mourners:
Amen.

We have 40 head of alpaca now,
17 on the way.

My daughter's
stepping down from NASA

to take over the ranch
so I can focus on
my watch-making.

We didn't have kids.
Best decision
we ever made.

Best. Best.

Our greyhounds are our kids.

Kent, do you still
keep in touch
with Ben's widow?

- I forget her name.
- No.

Betcha Ben did too.

Amazing he hung on
as long as he did,
the fat fuck.

- Excuse me.
- Sorry.

- How long's it been, Ames?
- Dan.

I think the last time I saw you,
your wife was being born.

2019, yeah.
Oh, and by the way,

if you guys ever want to buy
or sell a piece of property

in the Laguna Beach area,
I'm your guy. That's my cell.

You losers waitin' around
to make sure she's actually dead
while you sit in the back row

suckin' on hard candies
like what, Will?

Uh... I like jizz.

Ah, shit. He ain't
what he used to be.

Holy shit. Ames.

Check it out.

I didn't think he'd show.

I heard she never
visited him.

Just keep walking.

( takes deep breath )

You'd hate the flowers.

But I...

I brought the Dubonnet.

( "Veep" theme music playing )

( metallic clattering )

Mike:
And it looks like the soldiers
are having a little trouble.

They're fumbling
around the crypt,

but they cannot seem to
get it to respond in any way.

Typical.

But now they've got it...

and there she goes,
sliding right in there.

We will have more coverage
of the funeral of
President Selina Meyer.

But first, as someone who
served with President Meyer
for over two decades,

I feel I'd be remiss
if I did not offer
my own heartfelt eulogy

to a president who many feel
was very underrated

and deserved m--

I'm sorry. Breaking news.

I've just been told

that four-time Academy Award-
winning actor Tom Hanks

has died at the age of 88.

The star of such Hollywood
films as "Big," "Forrest Gump,"

"Philadelphia"
and "Philadelphia 2"

passed away in his Bel Air home
after a long illness,

surrounded by
his loving family.

Husband of actress Rita Wilson
and father of four children,

Hanks was often considered

the finest actor
of his generation,

an American everyman
who could leap effortlessly

between comedy and drama,

and moved audiences
both young and old.

Today the world mourns the loss

of this towering
and beloved figure.

Let's take a look at
the storied career of Tom Hanks,

American icon.