All language subtitles for the.night.before.2017

- Here's a little story
- I'd like to tell

about three best friends
and their first Noel.

It begins right before
Christmas 2001,

when a young man named Ethan
became an orphan.

His mama and papa
both tragically gone,

it seemed for him, Christmas
had sung its swan song.

As he sat alone
on Christmas Eve,

his friends came over
and forced him to leave.

They had to get Ethan
out of his funk,

so they went to a bar
and they got his ass drunk.

With tears and with sadness
they started to mend.

Then they said:

No more crying.
This sad shit must end.

Christmas was about family,
but now it's about friends.

Thus began a new tradition.

The friends hung on Christmas
and fun was their mission.

Who's the baddest motherfucker
on Christmas day?

Get in there.
Aww!

You knew.

- Boom!
- What is it?

That shit holds a hundred songs
at one time.

I got the new Dave Matthews
downloaded.

Oh, yeah. Ricky Martin.
Oh!

That guy slays ass.

They chilled with each other,

did all sorts of stuff.

They drank many drinks,
they fucked shit up.

Light his dick.

Aah!

Then one fateful night, 2008,

they realized that Christmas
can be even more great.

That Eve at the bar,
they saw quite a sight.

Fellow seekers of joy
having one crazy night.

And there was a woman,
so pretty to all.

They worked up the courage,
proceeded to call.

- Excuse me.
- Ethan said.

And she turned with a fright.

Where were you guys partying
earlier tonight?

At a place so great
words cannot describe

with so many drinks
for one to imbibe.

With so many drugs,
i can't believe I survived.

What the fuck...

Ethan asked.

...is this party called?

Why, you haven't heard?

It's the nutcracker ball.

They asked all around,
but to no avail.

Where was this great party,
this whitest of whales?

And though year upon year,
they tried and they failed,

they never did tire,
they never did bail.

But over time,
the fun did wane.

One friend had a family,
the other had fame.

As the years passed,
his boys, they grew up.

But it seems our boy Ethan
is just a little bit stuck.

What's up, buddy? No?

All right.
You guys want any of this?

No, thank you.
Cool.

Keep it moving. There you go.

Yes, good.

Wait. No, no, no.
What are you doing?

No one was eating this tuna,
so I thought--

no, no, no.
You don't get to make

those executive decisions,
elf.

How old are you?

Thirty-three.
Thirty-three.

Thirty-three years old,
and you're an elf.

And you don't even know
how to be an elf.

Show me the elf face.

Uh...

It's happy. It's eager.

More whimsical.

Whimsy.
Determined, though.

There you go! That's it!
That was it.

That's why you're coming back
here with a full tray.

I'm gonna move you
to coat check.

This is your last chance.

And the whole time,
i wanna see that elf face.

Okay.
Starting now.

Go.

Go.

These two are together.
No, gotta take the ticket.

Hi. Just you, sir?

Great. This is your ticket.
Please try not to lose it.

This is a very expensive coat,
so take care of it.

Absolutely, sir.

Here, ticket.
Okay, this one.

Yeah.

Yeah. Great.

Hi. Merry Christmas, sir.

Hey, what are you doing?

Huh? Nothing.

I'm gonna be right back.

Now, where are you going?

I'm sick. Sick.

Whoa!

You're about to have
the best night of your life.

You will learn
valuable lessons,

be filled
with Christmas cheer,

and probably get laid.

We will release the location
of our party at 10 P.M.

Merry Christmas.

- Yeah, I know, ma.
- I'm sorry,

but I have to stay here
and work hard.

How you think I'm having
such an amazing season?

I love you too.
Merry Christmas.

Bye.

What's up, fellas?
How's it going, man?

Good to see you, baby.
Merry Christmas.

You wanna take a picture, man?
Let's do it.

Just leave it!

If you're not Christian,
what are you?

I'm Jewish.

Is that why
you look different?

What was that?
Come again.

You just look funny.

I look funny?

You ever see the shining?

Isaac?
Yo!

What are you telling them?
I'm just talking

to your lovely daughters

as though they are adults.
From a cognitive level,

if you speak to kids
like they're adults,

it will make them
more curious,

it will open up their minds
to more things.

He's gonna be a great father.
Yeah.

I just hope we have kids
as beautiful as you girls.

- Ow!
- I'm sorry.

Sweeties, just come help
mommy in the kitchen.

Are you okay? You want a hug?
That's okay.

Oh, okay.

Gosh, I am such
a fucking piece of shit.

No, you're not at all.
I'm the worst mom.

I'm gonna be terrible.
No. Don't say that.

What if I screw this up?

You won't. Studies show
your maternal instincts

really kick in
in the last month.

I know. I'm sorry.
I'm just nervous.

It's fine.
I love you so much. Okay?

I love you too.

Bets, look who it is.

Ethan!

Merry Christmas.

Oh, my god!
You look so big!

No.
No?

You don't know a lot
of pregnant women, do you?

I meant the baby.
No, I look really big.

You look great.
The baby's probably cramped

inside of your small, fit body.
Thanks. No, that's enough.

Just shut up. It's all good.
I don't know what to say.

She looks beautiful.

You want a drink?
Sure.

Do you want a drink,
honey?

I'm okay
right now.

Really?

Yeah. I'm kind of on call.
Gotta keep my head on straight.

But you're gonna drink tonight?
Yeah. For sure.

Because I'm already
kind of drunk.
I can tell.

Okay. That's Chris.
Yeah.

Everybody,
look who it is!

Merry Christmas, blessed
kwanzaa, happy hanukkah!

Hey, man. How's it going?

Whoa! Look at this!
Oh, my god!

I couldn't even tell
you were pregnant

till I saw you from
the side.

Look how tiny you are!

That's so nice of you
to say.

That is how you talk
to a pregnant woman.

It's amazing. You've had
the season of a lifetime.

Congratulations, man.

Congrats.
Thanks, man.

Got a new workout, new diet,
new paleo thing I've been doing.

I've heard about that.
And it works?

It rips you up.
If you see me naked,

it'll blow your mind.
I'd love to.

Kick ass.

Really can't believe we're
doing this again this year.

I was done a few years ago,
to be totally honest.

We're like those kids who
won't stop trick-or-treating.

Eventually, they come to
your door, you're like, "eh."

"No candy for you."
No.

"Pack it in, kid."

But this is it.
This is the last Christmas.

Last time. Right?

Is he cool with it?
Yeah, I think so.

He looks happy
right now, right?

I'm just saying, we're
enabling him at this point.

We're not helping him
get over his own problems.

On a psychological level,
that's not good.

I've made a decision.

For a Christmas present,
I'll take him under my wing.

I'm gonna help him
and get him out of this rut.

It's a conversation we've been
avoiding for 10 years.

I know.
Just do it easy.

I'm going all in.

Don't go all in.
Balls and all.

Have fun.

Take good care of my husband,
all right? I like him.

We will.

Hey, bets, tell Diana
i said hello.

Yeah, no.

- No, no. Merry Christmas.
- Mwah.

Bye-bye.

- Congratulations.
- Mwah. Good to see you.

Luckiest guy in the park.
I sure am. Bye.

Can I talk to you
for a second real quick?

What? We're not
doing gifts now, are we?

No, we're doing them
tomorrow,

but this one I'm pretty sure
you'll want tonight.

What is it?
You have been such a rock

throughout
this whole pregnancy.

You're like
my Dwayne Johnson.

Thank you.

It's Christmas now,
and we've almost made it,

and you deserve this.
So merry Christmas.

Is it Cologne?

No.

Holy shit!

It's every single drug
in the whole world.

Why are you giving this
to me?

You've been so focused
on me and the baby,

and tonight I think you should
just focus on yourself.

Go out there,
get fucking wild, you know?

Is this cocaine?
I haven't done cocaine for...

11 years, I don't think.
No one has, I don't think.

That's amazing. Where did you
get all this shit?

Craigslist.
You got it from craigslist?

I just typed in the search
"NYC drugs."

Really resourceful of you.

It's your last Christmas
together,

so have fun. Enjoy it.

Thank you so much.
Yeah. I love you.

This is so great.
I'll have my phone with me.

I'll be home pretty early,
i think.

Okay, all right.
Okay. I love you.

What?

What the fuck is this?

This is the red bull
limousine, fellas.

You are now looking at the face
and body of red bull.

Wow! Congratulations,
man!

Right? Since this is our
final Christmas,

I figured we could do it
in class.

This is what
the spirit of Christmas

is all about. A rich athlete
finally getting

the corporate limo
that he always wanted.

Exactly!
I think so.

Let's go, get in.
You gotta see this. Come on.

Cool!

Yo, it's the red bull limo,
guys!

All right.

Yo! What's up, everybody?
This your man, c-rob.

We in the red bull limo.
And we dom p'in it,

we have cristal in it,
hennythuggin' it

and we got red bull!

I'm capturing this
on my Sony xperia ultra phone.

No matter what the light,
the picture's right. All right?

This your man, Chris rob,
coming at you.

What happening? Peace!

Peace!
Wow!

And, Internet.

His social media game is crazy.
On point.

- Really on point, yeah.
- On point.

Five million people
probably just saw that.

Hey there.

Didn't wanna interrupt while you
guys were rolling back there.

Great video, by the way.
I just watched it.

That was fast.

My name's Joshua.
I'm gonna be

your red bull-provided driver
for the evening.

First stop: Rockefeller center,
right?

Thank you, Josh.
Raise partition.

Nice meeting you, Josh.

I'm doing the hang-loose thing
too much.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll call you. There we go.

Check out what Betsy gave me.

It's a bunch of drugs.

We eat a little 'shrooms

to kind of trip out
a little bit,

look at the lights,
all the sparkly lights.

Let's start with
the champagne.

Yeah, sure, yeah. Yeah!

- Aim it out the window!
- Oh!

So, what's up, e?
How's life, man?

Life is good!

Yeah?
Yeah, dude.

How's the music going?
Any gigs coming up?

Not gigs, but gigs
are overrated, dude.

People are on their phones
the whole time.

Know what I mean?
Totally.

The thing I'm working on now

you really have to listen to it
start to finish.

It's a concept album.
What's the concept?

I'm still conceptualizing
that part of it,

but it's about who you know...
C-rob, sign this?

...more than anything.
Wait up.

How's it going?
Hey, merry Christmas.

Photobomb!
There you go. All right.

- That just happens now?
- People love c-rob.

So how about Diana?
You talk to her?

How's things going with that?
Hate to see that one get away.

It's still over.
It's over. Don't worry.

But it's okay.
It's no one's fault.

We just drifted apart.

Look, we're at the tree!

Why don't we talk about it
another time?

What?
Not now, man.

Wow.

Gentlemen,

14 years ago to this very night,
a tradition was born.

That year some drunk,
fucking asshole

hit my parents with a car.

So that Christmas, I didn't
have any family to be with,

but you guys
were there for me.

But tonight!

Tonight's different.

We have mutually decided
to end this tradition.

Isaac's about to have a baby.

And Chris is just
too fucking famous

to hang out with us anymore.
Big man.

But guys, earlier today

I witnessed
a real-life Christmas miracle.

Where the fuck
did you get those?

Holy shit! Are those real?
They are fucking real!

Where did they come from?

It doesn't matter! It's a
fucking Christmas miracle!

You killed somebody
for those?

No, I stole them.

That's awesome! What a blowout!

It is the nutcracker ball!

Yes!

So I called the number
on these tickets.

They don't give out the address
till 10.

So that gives us
several hours

to hit as many Christmas
traditions as possible!

Let's do it.

It's gonna be the best
fucking night of our lives!

I'm so psyched, man.
Awesome.

Maybe it'll be
the new Christmas tradition.

I don't know if we're really
replacing this

with another tradition.

That was a joke, Isaac.
Give me some credit.

Obviously, that was a joke.
I am totally cool with it.

Obviously, he's joking.

Definitely.
Gentlemen, I got the sweaters.

This one's for you.

This is for you.
Nice.

Let's do this!

Let's do it.
Hey, where'd he go?

Soup's on!

Hey, thuwan! How's it going,
my man?

- Now it's Christmas.
- It's not Christmas

till we eat egg drop soup.

It brings me back.
Who are you calling right now?

Calling Tommy Owens.
You're calling Tommy Owens?

Who's Tommy Owens?
Best player in the league.

Tommy!
C-money, what's up, my man?

Merry Christmas.

Tell him hi.

Hennessy!
We going to the nutcracker ball.

I got tickets for my boys.

I got us on the list
for the party

the after-party,
the before-party, every party.

Congrats, baby,
you coming up big time.

What we do, baby.
That's what we do!

Tell him to bring some green
with him.

C-money, while I got you on
the phone, I hate to even ask,

but you think you could
bring us some weed?

Yeah, I can get weed. Look
who you're talking to, baby.

Come on. It's Chris money.
Smoke it up!

I'll see you at
the nutcracker ball.

I'll bring a half a pound and we
gonna roll. Much love.

One. Chris love out. Peace.

How much weed you got
in that box?

I don't know.
Why don't we check?

Check it out, playa.

Someone call
snoop d-o-double gezzank,

because I got the reefers.

You have one joint?

She doesn't know much
about drugs.

The proportions of this shit
is all off.

Dude, we need to get
some weed.

Can we just not get derailed
here?

This is not about some famous
athlete and his weed.

This is about
the three of us.

This is our last
Christmas together.

It is about a famous athlete
and his weed.

I've been on this dude's team
for six years,

and he finally knows who I am.
If I can deliver this weed,

we could smoke with Tommy Owens
and hang with him all night!

I'd love to smoke weed
with Tommy Owens.

See? He wants to
smoke with Tommy.

Okay. Okay.

Where do we get some weed from?
Uh...

We could call Mr. green.

Why are we outside
our high school again?

Because he's a fucking
drug-dealer and he's suspicious,

and he doesn't meet you unless
he's met you there before.

So it's either
our old high school

or this guy's mom's house.

That's not happening.
I know. So it's here.

Shit. Is that you?

It's not mine.

No.
Oh, shit.

That was there before.

Do they even make payphones
anymore?

Don't touch it. People wipe
their butts on those.

This is how
you gotta talk to him.

Don't pick up!

Hello! 1998 speaking.

That's gross.

Oh.

Yeah, I see you. Okay. Thanks.
He's right there.

Go ahead. Go get the weed.

I'm not going. You're going.
Just get it.

Come on, don't be a baby.
It's your weed!

Shit.

Is it just me? He's changed
a little bit, right?

Uh, yeah, he seems like
he's excited about his fame.

I think it's our job to sort of
just keep him in check.

Sometimes, you think it's easy
to tell your friend something,

and it's actually hard
to tell them that thing

once you're confronted
with the actual moment

that you would
tell them that thing.

You know what I mean?

Mr. green! What's up, man?

Good evening.

How you doing?
It's good to see you.

I'm glad you open
on Christmas.

A lot of people need me
on Christmas, you know.

It's a tough holiday.

I know you.

Yeah.

You used to sell weed
to me and my friends

when we were in high school.
Yeah, that's crazy.

So, what do you want?

Your best shit, man.
That chronic, that drow, that...

Yeah, yeah. Some of that.

It's good to see you kids still
hanging out and smoking up.

Makes me proud.

Thanks, man.
We're just kind of trying

to keep the dream alive,
you know?

But this is not for us. This
is for a good friend of mine.

Tommy Owens. Quarterback.
The Messiah.

You know what?
As far as I'm concerned

there's only one Messiah.

Our lord and savior,
Jesus Christ.

So that name's
a little blasphemous.

Yeah.

The weed of Christmas present.

I'm an athlete,
so drug-free body.

Drug-free zone.
No smoking.

You buying that for somebody
and you're not gonna test it?

That could be oregano.

Orega-what?
Oregano.

So...

Something special
supposed to happen?

It just did.

You're in the present.

What? Maybe I'm high
or something, man, I don't--

or maybe you're in
the present.

The weed of Christmas present.

Well, with that logic,

isn't all weed
the weed of Christmas present?

Only on Christmas, kid.

Anyway, that'll be
a hundred bucks.

Oh. All right.
I'll get your hundreds.

If you guys ain't doing
nothing later,

you should stop by this party
I'm throwing.

It's a hell of a bash.

You serious?

It's not in my car.

It's a real party.

Uh, we already got invited
to something. Sorry.

But thank you
for the invite.

That's no problem. My feelings
aren't hurt. Not really.

Tell Isaac, "I'll see you
in a couple hours."

What?

Tell Isaac I'll see him
in a couple hours.

How did he get so good
all of a sudden?

I don't know.

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

That shit was the weirdest
fucking experience of my life.

Really?
But I got the weed.

Nice!

Come on, let's go tear
this fucking karaoke down.

Let them bitches know
the ice crew in the building!

Let's do it, baby.

Did you practice the moves?
Oh, I've been practicing.

Hey!

Whoa. Happy feet, happy feet.

Show them, huh!

Got my prenup.

I think the 'shrooms
are kicking in.

Yo, what's up?
We're the ice crew!

We just got one thing to say!

Drink some damn red bull.
Hell, yeah!

- It's happening.
- You okay?

You feel good?
Yeah.

Ethan, it's Diana!

- Hi.
- What's up?

Chris, I wanna say hi to you,
but you're surrounded by fans!

I know. It's crazy!
Say hey to Ethan!

He looks really great!
Let's go outside and instagram.

My social media game
is on point!

- That guy's really famous now.
- Yeah.

Super famous.

So good seeing you guys!

Merry Christmas.
What are you guys doing here?

It's the only karaoke place
that's open on Christmas.

Yeah, it's our tradition.

I should've remembered
that you guys come here.

But run-dmc,
i got to see it! Finally.

- You liked it?
- It was awesome.

This is what you guys missed.

She did Miley Cyrus.

She destroyed wrecking ball.
It was amazing.

You still like that song.
Everybody does.

You can cry to it. You can run
to it. You can party to it.

Timeless!
Uh, what are you guys doing?

We're having
a really fun night, actually.

We're kind of going
not too hard, but pretty hard.

We're kind of just...

It's our last night
doing the Christmas!

End of an era.
Last year. Last year.

But it's been really fun,
though.

Of course.
Betsy's giving birth in a month.

She's having a baby, yeah.

We're gonna miss her
at the office.

But she said you've been
doing a very good job.

That you're so prepared.

You've read every single book
on being a dad

since books were created.

I would be losing my shit
right now.

That you're prepared,
like, over-prepared.

He's solid.
He's got the stats.

A lot of men in your position
fucking freak out.

- They just leave.
- And they take off.

It's an epidemic.
It's true. Are you guys...

What the fuck! Are you guys
okay? Are you okay?

These lights in here fucking
with you guys? Like a lot.

Not really.

I think moving around maybe
from the dancing.

Yeah.

I'm gonna call Betsy.
I'll be right back.

That's a good idea.
It's good to see you. I'll be...

Give her
a call.

You guys have
a nice connection.

Yeah, he's a sweetheart.

I'm gonna go to the bar...
No.

...get more to drink.
No, no, no!

- Nice to see you.
- Merry Christmas.

You look good.

Hi.

Hi.

Okay. Come on. Whoo!
The 'shrooms are turning.

You got a big night
ahead of you.

Let's get something else
going here.

Cocaine.
That'll straighten me out.

Get in my brain.
Make me feel different.

Yeah.

What's up, Messiah? How you
doing, white Jesus?

Yo, check it out.

It's c-rob, man.

So everything's good.
I got you.

I got the shit. I got the weed.
I got the smoke.

You know what? I'm tripping.
I'mma just text you, all right?

What happened to peace?
Peace. C-rob out.

Chris motherfucking
Roberts!

Well, I'm not Julia Roberts.

But you are
a pretty woman.

Oh, shit!

Dude, I am such a fan.

Meeting you here tonight

this is enough to make
Christmas tolerable for me.

Whoa.
You don't like Christmas?

No.
I fucking hate Christmas.

Sorry to be, like, a grinch.
You're into it.

This is amazing.

As much as I hate Christmas,
that's how much I love you.

Wow.
Sorry.

Okay, I'm being too much.

I'm jizzing all over you.
I'm getting, like, jizzy. Sorry.

No, no, no. Jizz all over me.
I like that shit.

You probably wanna
go back to your friends.

Fuck my friends.

Friends come and go,

but fans, that's forever.

You're naughty.
I'm very naughty.

I'm gonna teach you a Christmas
lesson, you naughty boy.

Okay.

The truth will set you free.

Hey, yo.

This is a message
for future Isaac

from current Isaac.

And I have to tell you
to listen to me

because right now
i have clarity.

You should not be having
this fucking baby.

This baby's a mistake.

The baby will ruin your life.
You'll ruin the baby's life!

And then the baby
will fucking murder people!

I don't know what you do
at this point,

but get rid of
this fucking baby!

Put it in a bag
and leave it somewhere!

Put it in a basket and
push it down a fucking river!

Fuck you, baby!

Fuck your baby-fucking
little arms

and your fucking chubby little
baby-fucking legs!

Fuck you, baby!
Fuck you! Cunt!

Okay.

Fuck.

Have some fun! Yeah!

Let's party!

Isaac?
Fuck! Yeah!

Hi, Sarah! Whaddup?

How's it going?
All right.

Good. Cool.
What's going on? You good?

You're so sweaty.
It's hot in here. I run hot.

We have this tradition
where we wear sweaters.

I don't always
wear a sweater, obviously.

When I'm inside,
I'd normally take it off.

I think it would hurt my
friends' feelings.

You're talking so fast,
you sound like an auctioneer.

That's funny. Sold!

That was kind of scary.

Sorry. I don't mean
to scare you.

By going, "sold!"
Oh, my god!

You shouldn't have said it.
Now it's all I can think about.

You want a drink?
Okay. Sure.

Let's have a drink.
I'll be right back.

Thanks, Isaac.

Betsy said
you've been asking about me.

That's a lie.
It is. That's a lie.

Betsy would never
in a billion years

say anything
even remotely like that.

How's your family?

You're asking about my family.

Sorry, I can't believe it.
Who are you?

I deserve that.

My family,
thank you for asking, is fine.

You usually stay with them
on Christmas Eve, no?

Yeah, I'm staying with them,

but I'm going to this thing
with Sarah.

What is it?

Okay, she's dating this guy,
and he got us into this party.

And I know you've
always wanted to go to it...

Shit. Are you going to
the nutcracker ball?

Yeah. I'm sorry.
We're going too.

You are?
Isn't that crazy?

I'm happy for you.
Your last Christmas,

and you get to go to the big
dumb party

you've always wanted
to go to.

You bringing anyone?
To the dumb party?

Any guys?
Me?

Yeah, I'm bringing
these two guys

that I'm kind of dating.

With really huge dicks.

Who've got enormous,
almost novelty-sized dicks.

I've been seeing a girl
with a huge vagina.

Have you?

I don't know if it really
has the same impact.

I just hope that this
nice young lady's vagina

is not half as big as mine.

Your vagina, I mean...
The biggest!

Wup, wup, wup.
I know.

Here you go.

Thank you so much.
Appreciate that.

It's on your tab.
Cool.

Cheers!
Cheers.

This is so much fun!

Mm. Good beer.

They say beer mellows you out
a bit, which is nice.

This is kind of cool-tasting.

Tastes like pennies or
something.

Weird. It has a coppery flavor?
Yeah.

Bizarre.
Maybe it's the vodka?

You know what? I think
they gave you a crantini.

Ever think they're all
part of the same tini family?

Martini, crantini.

It's just a funny idea,
i thought.
I guess it's funny.

Oh. Isaac. You have
a bloody nose.
Huh? Yes?

I what?
Your nose is bleeding.

My nose is bleeding?

Do you not feel that?
Oh, no!

It's fucked.
There's a lot of blood.

No, my nose is very tingly
right now.

And I actually don't feel much.
That's so weird.

Holy fuck!
What?

Did you bleed in my drink?

No.

You fucking bled
in my drink, Isaac!

I'm gonna come clean.

I'm on a lot of cocaine
right now.

That's what made
my nose bleed.

You're on fucking
cocaine?

Did you drink a lot of it?
Kind of!

Is it that gross?
It's mega-gross.

I didn't do it on purpose.

You're a totally
fucked-up person.

You should not be a father.
Goodbye!

- Fuck you!
- Fuck you, Isaac!

I'm sorry. Fuck you!

No, fuck you!

Piss off!
People are fucking in here!

Zero, 11!

Okay, now-- now, take a dump.

What?

Hey, guys! Sorry to interrupt.
Hey, Ethan.

We need to get the fuck
out of here.

I'm losing my shit right now.
What happened?

Please.
I wanna go right now.

I'm right behind you.
Thank you.

Sorry.
I'm sorry.

Yikes.

Uh...

I guess that's my cue.

Tell her I'm sorry.
You don't have to be sorry.

I guess I'll see you later.

Okay. Hey, hey, hey.

This is...

Come on, man.

Ethan!

Have you seen Isaac?
Forget Isaac.

I just fame-fucked that
hipster chick in the bathroom.

So that's her?
Hell, yeah.

Can we go?
Are you okay?

- I'm fine! Let's go.
- It's after 10.

We can call
the party number now.

Let's call! Let's call!

I'll get this address.

This better fucking work.

If you want your Christmas
merry

go to the corner
of grand and Berry.

Okay.

Grand and Berry, please!

Listen, listen, listen.

So Diana is also
going to the nutcracker ball.

What?
How crazy is that, right?

She's cool. I miss her.

Yeah, you shouldn't have
let her go, dude.

You should totally get her back,
bro. My mom's named Diana.

Yeah, thanks. I didn't
let her go. She left me.

You didn't wanna meet
her parents

and you never did,

and you just kept
making excuses for two years.

She made
the whole relationship about

the one thing
i didn't wanna do.

Dude, you fucked up.
Isaac, tell him, he fucked up.

- You fucked up, man.
- See?

Hey, Isaac. You okay?

No, I'm not.

I think the cocaine and the
mushrooms are reacting poorly.

And now I think
i just got to balance it out.

I got to make it
that I'm more on mushrooms

'cause I was having fun
on mushrooms.

I have a plan.
Chill out. Have a red bull.

You could also just
stop doing drugs right now.

Like, much more mushrooms.

Are you gonna be cool
at this party?

Cool as fuck, g.
No, you're not cool, g.

You look insane.
Only your right eye is working.

There's gonna be a lot of
famous people at this party

and I don't want you
to fuck it up.

You walk in there
looking like a shit show...

Do I look weird now?
Yes! You look weird!

Still weird.

Weirder!

- He looks fine.
- No, you don't!

You need to fucking
check yourself, before...

Before...

I wreck myself?

Is that what you're saying?
Aw. Yes.

Chickity-check myself,
before I wrickity-wreck myself?

How does that make
someone feel?

To be told that
they might wreck themselves.

You're not gonna wreck
yourself.

You made him feel bad. Why
don't you just leave him alone?

Look, he's not right.
Gonna mellow out.

Why don't you have some weed
and mellow out?

You got the weed?
No.

You got the weed, dude?
No.

She stole my fucking weed.

She was rummaging through
my jacket

when I was hitting her
from the back.

I knew it!
She fucking took my weed!

That serves you right.

Dude, it's not funny!
She stole my fucking weed!

The last place I wanna be

is outside my mom's house
right now.

School's far.
Your mom lives close.

How long did Mr. green say
he would be here in?

Half hour.
That's fine.

Let's go in and wait.
I'm freezing.

No, no. We're not going inside.
My mom's probably asleep.

A half hour for Mr. green could
be two hours of standing here.

We could be dead by then.
We could literally die by then.

Look, my mom doesn't know
I'm here.

So let it go.
We're not going upstairs.

Really? You didn't tell her?
No.

I told her I was in Philly

and I got a suite
down at the gansevoort.

I just think your mom would be
happy to see you on Christmas.

I'm not saying she wouldn't be
happy to see me, all right?

There's just a lot
you don't understand.

All she wants to do is
parade me around

and show me off to people.

Last time I was here, she
made me go to church with her

and sign autographs, kiss
babies, tell people all my stats

and what I did last Sunday.
It's too much.

- I have a question.
- What?

Does your mother
still have a Nintendo 64?

Probably. She never
throws my stuff away. Why?

Right. So that's why
you don't wanna go upstairs,

because you're gonna lose
at "goldeneye."

"Goldeneye."
"Goldeneye."

Okay. Let's do it.
One game.

Ah!
Nobody touch.
Shh!

Nobody touch nothing.

But I love touching things.

Shh.

All right, go, go, go.

Dude, did you die
and not tell us?

Shut up.

It's amazing.

I was there when you won this.
You must be so proud.

Shut up and go.

- Your bedroom.
- Shut up.

Dude.

Ethan.
What?

I found you.

You found me?
Check you out.

Oh!

Look at you, man.

You remember when we all
first met at the party?

Whose fucking party was that?

Jocelyn larue.
Jocelyn larue.

Yeah, that's right.

Remember the cops came?
We had to hide in the bathroom.

For three hours.

I was afraid we'd get caught,
you were so fucking loud.

I remember you wore that
Bob Marley tie-dye t-shirt

and I asked you
if you smoked weed?

I didn't smoke weed. I just
liked Bob Marley and tie-dye.

I didn't get that was the vibe
i was putting out.

You could have showed up
with purple hair and a cloak.

That was my warlock phase.

- That was a dope phase.
- Hell, yeah.

I'm surprised
you even talked to us, Chris.

When I look back,
i remember thinking:

"This guy's a jock.

And he's talking to a warlock
and a pretend pot-head."

True.

If it wasn't for y'all,
i would have never made it

through that school.

Shit. Wait, pause it.
No, no pause.

The phone's buzzing.
You have to pause it.

I'm buying you weed!
Just keep it down!

Pause the fucking game.

If you shoot me right now,
you forfeit.

Oh, my god,
if my mom wakes up.

Yeah, it's him.
Mr. green's here.

I'll never get in his car again.
He freaked me out.

Shh.

I'll go.

Can you even walk?

I can fly.

Five-0, bro. You're busted.

Are you fucking kidding me
right now?

Yeah,
I'm just kidding.

Holy shit, dude.

Don't do that.

Oh, man. Hey, good seeing you,
dude. Long time.

It has been a long time.

Been a long time, yeah.
I remember you.

And you know I'm proud
of what you've become.

Husband, lawyer

soon-to-be father.
That's really impressive.

Me, I don't have time
for kids.

You're all my children.
Yeah.

You ever think of me
as a father figure?

No.

Put your tiny hand
in mine.

Yeah.

Rough night, huh?
Little bit. Could you tell?

Am I wearing it on my sleeve?

I did a lot of drugs.

Mushrooms. Caps, too many caps.
Ate a lot of the caps.

And I just think it kind of
made me freak out a little bit.

And basically, I'm kind of
just having a hard time

finding my place in all this.

Relax.

What's happening right now?

Just looking into your soul,
man.

What are you seeing?

You need a nice mellow indica.

I got a great north Cali bud

with a soothing body high

and surprisingly accurate
visions of the future.

Yeah, sure.
Whatever you got, bro.

Yeah. It's definitely
a good time.

Unless...

You're dealing with some shit
you can't come to terms with.

No! That's not me!
That's a different guy.

I think all my issues
are drug-related,

and my emotional state
is completely...

Cool, bro.

Just a little shot of this.
See if you like it.

Come on.

I'm good. I think I'll just
ride the wave, my main man.

I put my hands on you.

Take it.

Just not too hard.

Not too hard.

Where are we?

A strip club.

Eighteen years in
the future.

- Is that my wife?
- Yeah.

You should probably
talk to her.

I'm gonna get a beer,
maybe a dance.

Cool.

Hi.
Sit down.

The show's about to start.

- Okay.
- Okay, fellas,

let's hear it
for Sierra!

Whoo!

Isn't she amazing?

Who is that?

It's our beautiful baby girl.

What the fuck?

Whoo! Pop it, girl!
Pop that p!

Pop it! Pop it!

You hear me, young lady?
Pop your pussy!

It's okay, sweetie! You don't
have to pop your pussy!

You read all those books
and you didn't learn shit!

You really shit the bed
as a dad!

Here you go.
Drip, drop. Drip, drop.

I know--
no!

Look at my finger.
Look at my finger.

You need to give me
a hundred bucks

and get the fuck out of my car
right now.

Okay! Here!

Get out.

I don't know what's happening.
Let's go. Let's bail.

Turn your phone off.
You'll wake her up.

I don't know what's happening.

- Turn it off.
- Hello?

Hello?

Hey, ma. It's Chrissy-poo!

Oh, my god! Chris!

Hey!

Oh, my god! Ethan!

What are you guys
doing?

Merry Christmas!
Surprise!

This is...

Are you hungry?
I can heat up some food.

Yeah!
No, no, no.

Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.

Sweetheart.

Oh, you smell like weed.
No.

More meatloaf, Isaac?

Huh? Um, no, I'm okay.

Could I perhaps
have some more chardonnay

to wash down
my medication, please?

Of course.

Thank you.

So, Ethan, what's going on
with you?

Uh...

Not a lot.
Just feeling good.

You got somebody special
in your life?

No.

There was a young lady
that he used to date

that he ran into today

that I thought
was pretty damn awesome.

Yeah? What happened?
It's a long story.

Not that long.
She wanted to get serious,

but he wouldn't meet
her parents.

She wanted to move in,

and you said you weren't
in the right head place

for her to move in.

That's some straight-up
bullshit.

Give me some, ma.

Okay, okay,
okay.

What, are you guys
ganging up on me now?

You like this woman?
Yeah, she's awesome,

but there's a whole history here
that he's brushing over.

You want her back?

Yeah. I do.

If you want this woman, you're
gonna have to work for her.

But you happen to be very lucky,
because it's Christmas.

And there's magic in the air
at Christmas.

People's hearts are open.
People want to forgive.

People want love.

I'd take advantage of
that shit.

Find the opportunity,
and seize it.

Thank you, Mrs. Roberts.

I almost forgot, I'm gonna
need some more headshots.

Huh. A dick from someone
named James?

His name is on my phone,
I must know him. Who is he?

Do I like it?
What does that mean?

Oh, man. Maybe it's
James mcfoley from work.

Holy shit.

This guy's a grower
and a shower.

Do I like it more now? Jesus.
I mean, it's a dope dick.

Do I want it?

Who wouldn't want a dick
that looks like that?

Do I wanna suck it? Oh, man.

Uh...

I'm gonna start putting
people's last names

on my contacts.

No, I've never sucked a dick
but, well,

if I'm being totally honest
with myself...

Damn it,
why'd I tell him that?

This James guy is just
so easy to talk to.

I told him too much.

Man, I guess that settles it.

Isaac Greenberg is sucking
his first dick tonight.

Did he tell you that they've
named a park after him?

You're gonna have a park
named after you?

I petitioned the city,
i got the signatures

and now there's gonna be
the sweetest little playground

in Brooklyn
that's named after him.

The park is not that nice!
There are crackheads, and--

sweetheart, they're gonna
clean that up.

We should get ready to go, guys.
We have to move.

We're gonna miss the party.
That's true.

Why don't I just wrap
all of this up?

You guys can take it down
to the homeless shelter.

It's only a few blocks away.
I'm sure they'd appreciate it.

You're right, mom.

You boys are so sweet.
Thank you for coming.

Wanna help me in the kitchen?
Okay.

Thanks so much for dinner,
Mrs. Roberts.

You're welcome, sweetheart!

Dude, what the fuck
is going on with you?

- Are you gay?
- No!

Are you curious?

Everyone is! What does that
have to do with this?

I don't know.
Why are you looking up dicks?

Someone's sending me dicks.
Someone's sending you that?

Look, I'll show you. It's
a fucking conversation.

It's some guy named James.

A very nice, eloquent man
named James

is sending me his penis. And he
wants me to suck on it.

I don't know what to do.

I'm freaking out.
Should I do it?

This isn't your phone, man.

Dude, this isn't your phone!

Oh, shit.
Is this Sarah's phone?

Oh, no.
What?

She has my phone.
It's okay, man.

We know her.
We can get your phone back.

There's something bad
on my phone.

You gonna be around tomorrow?

Folks out at the church would
love to see you. Aunt would too.

Um, you know I'm busy, so...

I don't really like to do
that stuff, ma.

Won't take much time, boo.

I know. It's just I have
an early flight,

and I feel bad that I have
to run back to work so fast.

I just got so much stuff
going on.

I'm a celebrity now.
I got appearances.

I got all kinds of stuff
i have to do, ma.

I can't just be
lollygagging around

and meeting old people.

I love you.

Betsy is gonna get that tape
from Sarah

and she's gonna freak
the fuck out.

Why? Why would Betsy
get the tape?

Because I put cocaine blood
into her fucking drink.

And no one wants to drink
cocaine blood.

Yeah. I'm gonna call her.

How do you know her number?
It's your number.

I'm trusting you on this.

I don't understand what's
happening. Where are we?

Sarah has your phone.
So I'm calling it.

Where are we right now?

We're at Chris' house.

What the fuck?
You just stay calm, all right?

It'll be okay.
Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You like that?

Okay. Here's the bad news.

She didn't pick up.
What?

- Everything's fine!
- I bit my tongue!

That boy need Jesus.

He needs something.

It's gonna be okay.

You know what I'm gonna do? Use
find my iPhone, find the phone.

It's loading. There it is!
It's in midtown.

Your phone's in midtown.

It's all good.
Ha!

Okay. All right.

So here's the thing.

We're gonna go to the party,
because Sarah's going.

Guys, let's go.

You be safe.
Guys, be careful.

Let's go, guys!

Let me get you a bag. You're
gonna need a bag. Wait up!

This guy's dick
is off the charts.

Yo, it's your man c-rob
coming at you live

from outside
the homeless shelter.

We delivering turkeys
to homeless people

'cause it's the giving season
and they be gobbling,

you know what I mean? If
you're in the season of giving,

hit me up @chrisrob11,
hashtag "selfless giving."

And remember, it's not a good
deed if no one knows about it.

I got another dick, dude!
Uh, drink red bull.

Oh, shit. Look, man,
it's her!

It's the super fan,
sex maniac that stole my weed.

Come on, let's follow her.
No, we're not gonna follow her.

Let's just drop off the food
and go to the party!

Shit! Look! Now she's stealing
from homeless people!

That's not right!

Now, I'm going to
teach her a lesson.
Okay.

Hey! Did you steal my weed?

Uh, no.
We just saw you

rob some homeless people
and I'm missing my weed, so...

You got me,
i stole your weed.

But I told you right away that
I'm kind of a grinch. Okay?

Aah!
Oh.

Eat me, sheep.
You're an actual grinch.

You're like
the mayor of whoville.

I'm building
a body of work.

I'm following in the path
of my Christmas heroes:

The grinch, the sticky bandits,
hans gruber from die hard.

I walked by you
and I heard you going on

about your Christmas plans

and you're this football douche
and I Google you...

Jackpot!
I pretend to be a fan,

we have sex, yaas.

And then I stole your weed.

You don't steal
from people on Christmas.

I just want my weed back.

You're really cute
when you get mad.

That's cute.

This is the thing
i didn't expect.

To fucking like you,
dude.

You are so funny

and talented, and handsome.

And easy. My god, dude!

Hey!

I'm gonna fucking catch--

later, sucka!

She home alone'd me!

Are these micro machines?

Wow!
Let's go.

Girl's a genius.

Josh, hit the gas! Go!
We got to catch that girl!

Go down to the corner and make a
right! Hurry up, man! Chase her!

Who?
The girl who stole
my weed! Hurry up!

She stole your weed?
Yeah.

That fucking bitch.
I'm gonna kill her.

Go get her, baby!

Not so fast!

Guys, my iPhone's that way!

We got to find my iPhone! It's
the other direction! Wait!

Slow down!
Speed up! Don't slow down!

If you're my guy,
you won't slow down!

Hit the gas! Hit the gas!

Let's go.

There she is! There she is!

We got her! We got her!

Red light, red light!

No! You run that light!
Are you my guy?

I'm your guy.

Give me your hand!
Run through that light, baby!

Oh, I fucked up.
I fucked up.

I'm sorry.

Oh!

Are we alive?
Yeah.

Look. Look, it's a sleigh.
We can still get her.

No. Let's just go
to the party, okay?

We're going
on a sleigh ride!

No! We're not going
on a sleigh ride.

Come on, Joshua!

Shotgun!

Shotgun!

Hurry up. You guys know
this can't
possibly work.

Of course it'll work!

Let's get that grinch!
Let's find my phone!

Mush, motherfucker!
Aah!

I'm stuck!

My hands are stuck!

No, no, no!

Fuck!

Shit, shit, shit!

Unh!

Dude!

What happened just now?

He's okay. He looks okay.

We have to go! She went this
way! Let's go get this weed!

No. Forget about
the weed, man!

We're not gonna split up now.
Let's go to the party.

No. You don't understand,
man!

It's really important!
It's for Tommy.

It's not important!

I'll meet you
at the f train!

You fucking believe
this guy?

My phone! It's close!
I got to go!

No. Listen to me.
No. You listen to me.

If I die, they will play
this video at my funeral!

Okay! You're on drugs!
Yes!

You're not making sense!
No!

Trust me.
Okay.

We're gonna stick together.
And go to the party.

I'll meet you at the f train!

No! Dude! What the fuck!

This is crazy.

Oh, come on.
How does this fucking work?

This is so confusing.

Fuck!

My eyes aren't working.

What asshole
invented this stupid thing?

- Hey, man. Excuse me.
- Hey. How's it going?

I'm Isaac.
Hi, Isaac.

I hate to bug you.

I lost my phone, and I'm using
this app to try to find it.

I'm kind of having a hard time.
It's confusing me a little bit.

You think you can maybe
help me out?

Sure, hold my cane
for a second.

Awesome. Sure, I'll hold
your cane.

Hey, merry Christmas,
Isaac.

Merry Christmas
to you too, man.

Thanks.

I've been having
a pretty crazy night.

I'm gonna level with you, I'm
a little fucked up right now.

No way. You don't say?
Yeah.

What's your name?
Spencer.

That's my family over there.

Hi! I'm Isaac,
nice to meet you.

- What's up, man?
- Hey.

You have dogs.

Can I pet them?
Go ahead. They're fine.

- Thank you.
- You're very welcome.

- Hi, guys.
- What's up, Isaac?

Come on and give us a pat.

Oh my god, they talk!

Of course. All dogs can talk.

- There's another one.
- That tickles.

Oh, hi. I love you.

Isaac?

Betsy!

Oh, shit.

Hi.

Wow.

Hi.
Hi.

Okay.

I never wanna let go.

What's happening?

What are you doing here
right now?

What were you doing
in the nativity scene?

I was hanging out
with Spencer and his family.

They're really beautiful people.
Spencer?

They're great people.
They're interracial.

Why do you have a staff,
honey?

What's happening right now?
Where are we now?

This is the church.
Do you remember?

You're here for that?
Yes.

And I'm just telling you right
now that you need to go

because my family is
paying for the cab right now.

So you need to get out of here
before they show up.

Your family is coming?
Yeah.

So maybe go run the other way.
Where should I go?

Just fucking go
before they get here. Go.

I love you. Okay?
I love you.

Okay. I love you. Bye.
All right, bye.

That's very sweet. Bye.

What are you coming back for?
Just go that way!

I don't know where--

no, no, no!
Not inside the church.

Go, go, go.

Get the fuck out of here.

Wait. I know them. Hi!
Hi.

Hi!

Oh, my god! Look at you guys.
It's so good to see you!

What a hat.

Why don't you come join us?
Come on in for midnight mass.

Oh, no. I don't think
that's a good idea.

Why not?

He's hanging out with
his friends tonight.

Right, Isaac?
I don't see anybody.

I don't know where they are
right now.

Come sit with us.
I've never been in a church.

Come on.

Okay. Yeah?

Yeah. Great! I'll see you
in there!

Let's go to midnight mass
together.

Okay. Yeah, if you say so.

Save us a seat.

How fucked up are you
right now?

I'm not fucked up at all,
Betsy. I'm your rock.

You look like a crack rock.
I'm not.

Don't say that.
Are you mad at me?

No, just walk normal, please.
I'm walking normal.

No, you're not.

Don't put it there, Isaac.

And it's gone.

Hi. Merry Christmas.

Are you giving birth to piss?

Oh, my god. I'm just trying
not to shit my pants.

- You should.
- I should?

You should just do it. Why not?

I should just drop a deuce
in my shorts.

Just do it!

That's great.
Two more assholes

that don't give a fuck
about Christmas.

What?

What are you guys doing?

Santa pub crawl, bro!

Guys, Santa claus is
a very meaningful thing

to a lot of people.

A lot of children!

Here's the thing, man.

For those kids,
they're living a fucking lie!

Yeah. Spoiler alert:
Santa's not real,

you pricky infant.
This is a costume!

But when you put on that costume
and you portray Santa claus,

you're taking a solemn oath
to represent certain values

that it represents!

You know who you remind me of?
One of my angry elves.

Fuck! No. Look,
don't call me an elf.

You got him
with that one, Santa.

Fuck you, "don't call me
an elf!" Motherfucker!

Get back to the workshop!
You work for us, elf!

Go back to the workshop, elf!

This little elf
has no friends on Christmas.

My friends
are just down there.

Where are they? We're friends.
We even dressed the same,

but you, you're all alone,
just like a fucking dum-dum.

Oh, my god.
Are you gonna cry? Aw.

Did mommy and daddy
leave you alone on Christmas?

Oh, shit!

That's for disrespecting
the spirit of Christmas!

Oh, fuck.

Fuck you!

Man, this really feels like
it's about something else here.

It's about this and only this!
Nothing else!

I think you're sublimating, man.

I do not wanna hurt you, man.

No, no, no. I wanna hurt him.
He sucker-punched me.

You fucking frat boys!

I'm an orthopedic surgeon.

I teach third grade, bitch!

I shape our nation's youth!

What is with this holiday? It
just fucks with people's heads.

This needs to be important
to you.

It's ringing.
Okay.

Hey.

Hey! Hi!

Uh, does Isaac have
Sarah's phone by any chance?

Yeah, he has it.

He has it.
Thank god.

So relax.

There is some very sensitive
information on there.

It's incredibly sensitive.
Wow, what's on the phone?

You don't need to know.

How's the party? Is it as dumb
as you thought it'd be?

Actually, it's kind of amazing.
It's really fun,

and you should get here.
Quickly.

What? Huh?

Really?

You want me to come there?
To see you?

That's what I'm saying.
Come on!

Do you like him again?

Can we not have
that conversation

right now?
I'm just saying.

Okay.

Okay. We'll see you soon.

Give us this day
our daily bread

and forgive us our trespasses

shh, shh, shh.

I'm praying.
I think that's a Jewish thing.

I can't do that here?
No.

It's the same god.
Mm-mm.

I did it.

What's everyone doing?

Sit. Sit.

Sit down.

This is so cool.
Shh, whisper.

Are we supposed to participate?
No.

Hallelu!

No. Not that kind
of church.

No?

You're my rock, right?
Can you be my rock?

Because you're acting
like a weird pebble.

Okay. I think I'm good.

Be a rock.

Fuck you.

What's up with
this fucking kid over here?

What?

What's this kid doing?

Look over there.

Look away, dude. Look away!

Stop.

Please don't hiss at a kid.
He's fucking with me.

I don't think
he's talking to you at all.

Who's that guy?

What guy?

The guy on the cross.
Jesus!

Oh, Jesus.
Stop it.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Is that what they think
we did to him?
Yeah.

Can you tell I'm Jewish?
Yes.

How?
Your fucking sweater.

I'm sorry.
Isaac, stop talking.

Isaac. Isaac,
what are you doing?

Don't throw up.
Don't you throw up here.

Swallow it
like a girl would.

Swallow it.

Did you do it?
Let me see your mouth.

Ahh--
don't throw up on me.

Where's the barf bag?

There's no barf bags!

Stop it! No, stop it, Isaac!

Jesus fucking Christ!

He just threw up.
Yeah.

Oh, Jesus, fuck me. Oh...

Is it still happening?
It's still happening a little.

We did not kill Jesus!

We did not do that!

Give me my weed, you grinch!

Shit!

Come on!

Fuck!

What the fuck are you doing?

No, what are you doing, man?

You have friends who want to
spend the holidays with you.

You're lucky you have that.

You need to appreciate that
before you lose them.

That's your Christmas lesson.
That's why I'm taking this shit.

My boy hans gruber died
like this.

No!

What the hell?

- Help!
- Isaac.

What you doing, man?
Thank god!

Dude, we've got to get
to this party,

or I'm gonna get
fucking divorced.

Help me.
How does this thing work?

You got to use your metrocard.
Go this way.

- Do it, do it, do it.
- Wait.

All right. Go.

Did you get the weed back?

Shit got weird.
I don't wanna talk about it.

Did you get
your phone back?

No. Not at all.
That's a long story. Look. Hey!

Oh, shit! What the fuck
happened to you?

I got beat up
by a couple of Santa clauses.

You got beat up?

Fuck. When?
When? You know,

a little bit after
you guys ran off without me.

But why did they
beat you up?

I don't know
why they beat me up!

Did they mug you?
Did they take the tickets?

No, they didn't
take the fucking tickets!

Then why would they do it?
I don't know.

You don't know?
Did they say anything?

They're just a couple
of drunk assholes!

Look, it wouldn't have happened
if you guys didn't bail on me.

What the fuck is that?

- Don't do this now.
- Please don't do this now!

So what's up with you, man?
Why are you mad at us?

Why you blame everything bad
that happens to you on us?

I'm just saying this is the
last chance we get to do this,

and you guys are so wrapped up
in your own shit

you don't care about Christmas.
What does that even mean?

When was the last time
you checked your phone, Chris?

Are you sure
one of your famous friends

isn't trying to get ahold of
you, to fetch him something?

You used to hate guys
like that.

I get it.
I get some success.

I get some new friends
and you're jealous.

Look at you.
So you're a success?

You want to talk about
your newfound success?

I don't need to.

You don't think we see
through that shit?

See through what? Let's talk.
What do you see, Isaac?

I don't see through anything.

You're 34 years old.

Most professional athletes
retire right now,

but you just got good.
How is that?

Practice.

I told you. It was a new diet.
A new regimen.

A new regimen?
That's what you call it?

Yeah, that's what I call it.
What you call it?

I think I call it putting
a needle in your ass.

That's what I call it.
Okay. Fine.

I'm on steroids, now what?

Newsflash: Everybody's
on steroids!

You're a cheater.

At least I'm doing something
with my life.

What about you? Sitting around
wasting your fucking life away.

No girlfriend, no money.

Dude, you make music
that people have never heard.

It's the saddest shit
I've ever seen!

Are you fucking serious?

You need to get your
life together. Tell him.

You shut up!
You're ruining my trip!

It's really fucked up.

Fuck this! Going to
the best party of my life,

and I'm not wearing some

pseudo-racist,
fake-ass acrylic sweater!

Don't take off that sweater!
I'm taking the sweater off!

Don't take off the sweater.
Put the sweater back on!

I'm taking
the fucking sweater off!

Stupid.

May I help you?

Uh...

I have, uh,
these tickets.

Come with me.

Come on.

Get in there.

May I take your coats,
gentlemen?

All aboard!

I'm going to find Owens.

Gonna find my phone.

I'm gonna go find Diana.

Oh, shit, Messiah,
white Jesus in the building.

C-money in the hizzle.

Yo, man.
I see you made it.

I wasn't able
to get the weed, man.

Shit fell apart.
Know what I mean?

I forgot I even asked you.
You want some weed?

Have some weed.

But... all right.

You got a whole fucking
dump truck of weed?

Dro fo' sho'.

So this it, huh?
Oh, this is it, baby.

The nutcracker ball!

Yeah!

Having an emergency!
Aah!

Oh, my god.
Sarah!

Sarah!

Are you fucking kidding me?

Get off of me!
What the fuck, dude?

I'm sorry! I'm just happy!
You're so fucking sweaty.

I know. It's warm
and I'm on Molly.

God! Is that my phone?
It is. You have my phone?

Take your shit phone back.
It's the same phone.

That's why
we got them mixed up.

This has some serious shit
on it.
I know.

Wait. You didn't
look at it, did you?

You didn't look at any shit
on my phone?

No.
Good.

You didn't look
at my phone, did you?

I just wanna tell you...

Good job.

You did fucking look
at my phone.

I didn't want to.
The texts just were coming in.

What is the matter with you?

All these gorgeous dick pics.
A-plus dick pics.

That's a boss hog.
Wait a second, really?

That dick soft is like
two of my dicks hard.

Do you think, like,
it would be...

Do you think I could,
like, handle it?

There was a moment I thought
he wanted me to handle it,

and I had to wrap my head
around it for a second,

and I thought to myself,
"you know what?

You hunker down,
you could take that bad boy."

Really?
Yeah.

That guy James,
whoever James is,

he's got a fantastic cock
on him.

Yo! Did somebody say "cock"?

What's up?

Hey.
What are you guys talking about?

Nothing.
Hey, what's up? I'm James.

I'm Isaac.
You don't need to meet him.

That's your dick!

Oh, shit!
I'm the guy who had the phone!

You saw my dick?
Did I ever! Oh, my god!

He almost sucked my dick.

I would have if I'd known
it was you, maybe.

Shit! You guys a couple?

No. We're friends.
Am I the third wheel?

No. You're the first wheel.

Am I the third wheel?
Not at all.

I was with two other guys all
night and now I'm fight--

oh, really? Two other guys?

I'd love to hang out
with two other people.

Is that a challenge?

It might be! Yeah.

I don't know who
I'm gonna start with,

but I know who
I'm gonna end with.

Well, let's get started
right now!

You guys wanna dance?
I would love to dance.

I would love to dance.
You wanna dance?

Let's do it! Come on, Isaac!

Oh, my god. This is so nice!
This is the best!

What a turn of events!
What?

Holy fucking shit!

You're Miley Cyrus.

Yeah.
No, you don't understand.

I was just looking for this girl
that I love, and she loves you.

God, no. I did that
with two fans one time.

It got super awkward.
That's not what I meant.

Sorry, you don't understand.

That'd be awesome...
But, no, I just mean...

This has gotta be some kind
of Christmas miracle,

because she talks about you

and your song a lot.

And I love this girl. I'm
starting to realize, tonight,

she's the love of my life.

And I wanted tonight to be a
special night for me and her.

Now you're here and...
You want to propose tonight?

Oh, my god!
That is so romantic.

That is the sweetest thing
I've ever heard.

I mean,
i was just thinking

you could dedicate
a song to her.

What? You gotta propose!

Come on! It's Christmas.

It's like, go big
or go fucking home!

I mean, you love this girl.
You say you love her, right?

Yeah. But I don't know if
tonight's the right time for--

oh, god.
Are you one of those guys

that are always making up
excuses?

I fucking hate
those kind of guys.

No, Miley Cyrus,
I'm not one of those guys.

All right,
then don't be a pussy!

You got to propose to her!

There's all this magic
in the air,

people want to fall in love.

Okay. Okay!
Then I will!

This is a sign
if I've ever seen a sign!

It's gonna be fucking awesome.
I'm gonna propose!

Yeah, you're gonna propose!
I'm gonna help you out.

We're gonna propose!
Oh, my god! We're gonna propose!

We're gonna propose! Okay!

Miley Cyrus,
this is the nicest thing

that anyone's ever done
for me!

You gotta stop calling me
Miley Cyrus.

What should I call you?
Hannah.

Just kidding. I'm drunk.
Let's do this thing!

What's up, man?
Hey, Chris.

Yeah, what up, boy?
Hey, what's up, k?

Hey, reverend run, man.
It's your boy, reverend run.

What that supposed to mean?

Hey, Messiah.
Check this shit out, dude.

- Oh, shit. Is that you?
- The fuck is that?

Nah, it was a make-a-wish
thing, man.

Those two kids have
crohn's disease.

It was their wish
to do karaoke with me.

Man, damn dog, you look
just as white as they do.

- Yeah, which one are you?
- Look at that sweater!

I got you!
I got you! I got you!

Oh, man!

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

You're a great dancer, man.
Oh, thanks, dude.

Appreciate it. I'm pretty high
on Molly right now.

I'm high too. I'm high too.

- I am digging this beard.
- Thanks, man.

Yo, carpet match the drapes?
Yeah, I got a big bush.

My carpet matches my drapes.

Look at this guy!
He's furry all over!

Whoo! Nice!

You need to get
the fuck out of here.

You're being
a huge cockblock.

I'm not being a cockblock.
Yes, you are!

What the fuck are you
talking about?

I don't think I could block
this guy's cock.

It'd take 10 men
to block that thing.

Merry Christmas, New York City!

Oh, no. Miley's here?

Miley Cyrus?

This is great!
This is so cool.

Where's Diana?
This is, like, our song.

All right, everybody,
give it up to my friend.

What the fuck
is your name again?

Ethan.
Ethan!

Yeah!

Diana...

Dude, can you move?

In the red. Move.
Yeah, thanks.

Diana, listen,

I know we're not really even
going out anymore,

and that's because
i wouldn't commit.

This is crazy.
But I'm ready to commit. Hard.

Hard like a wrecking ball.

You're the best thing that's
ever happened to me, girl.

You make me laugh.

You're cool as hell.
You don't take any shit.

You're smarter than I am.

Probably better than I deserve.
This is so romantic.

- But go big or go home.
- Right, Miley?

No, e.

When I let you go,
that was just me fucking up,

but I don't wanna ever let you
go again. Not now, not ever.

And definitely not
on fucking Christmas!

So this is it, Diana.

Only live once, bro!
Stop encouraging him, James.

Will you marry me?

Aww...

Say yes. Yes.

Yes.
Yeah!

Fuck!
Yes!

Okay, I gotta go find my friend
real fast. Excuse me.

I'm gonna be right back.

Y'all stay black.

Hey.
Yeah?

All this romance
is getting me really hot.

You wanna go back to
the hotel room?

Hey, I feel
like you might be gay.

Not right now, I'm not.
Okay.

All right.
Okay.

Oh, my fucking god!
Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! This is the
greatest night of our lives!

That was crazy.
That's so crazy, right?

Listen, I'm sorry about
the ring.

I'll get you a ring,
i promise.

We can do that tomorrow.

No, Ethan, I'm not
going to marry you.

What do you mean?

We're not even together.

I haven't even spoken to you
in, like, three months!

I addressed that
in the speech.

I know, and then you show up
here and you propose to me

in front of hundreds
of people.

That's crazy.
Wait, I'm sorry.

We're not getting married?
This is a no?

No! It's a no! No!

I'm so sorry that you're clearly
going through a lot right now.

I'm sorry that your friends

don't wanna hang out
with you on Christmas.

I understand that
that's hard for you.

That is not a reason for you
to grab onto me

like I'm your lifeline!

Why'd you say yes?

I said yes because
everybody was looking at me.

I said yes because Miley
clearly wanted me to say yes!

And I didn't want Miley
to think that I hated love!

That's understandable.

I wouldn't want that either.

Okay, look, I...

I was really
just trying to do

what I thought
you wanted me to do,

and that's because
i love you.

It's been three months,
i haven't stopped.

I'm not gonna stop.

I'm not your answer...

Right now, Ethan.

Wait, wait. No, no.
Can we talk?

Oh, my god! Hi!

You're Tommy Owens!
Yeah, thank you.

You're the Messiah!
You really are the Messiah!

You saved my fantasy team
last year!

I'm a huge fan.
That's good to know.

You have a good night.

You're big in real life.
Pleasure, man.

Look, can you help me out?

We have a friend in common.
Chris.

I'm looking for my buddy Ethan.
Oh, shit.

Hey!
I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, I got it. I got it.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Are you okay?

Hey, it's glass, man.
Why you picking it up?

I'm just trying to help out,
man.

Come on.
Oh, shit!

Holy shit!

I'm sorry!

The Jewish guy
crucified the Messiah!

It was rabbi dancing
motherfucker!

It's happening again!
It's happening again!

Ethan! Ethan!
Diana!

Congratulations!

No! Stop congratulating me!
What? What happened?

Just go talk to Ethan.

Shit.

- I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
- I think he's gonna be fine.

Please, punch him
in the face!

I thought the Messiah
preached forgiveness!

Look at me, asshole.
What the fuck wrong with you?

Who the fuck are you?
Hey. He's my friend!

Back off, man!

Yo! Back the fuck up,
all right?

Oh, shit just got real, huh?

Yeah, go ahead and punch him,
man. Tmz will love that shit.

I got the biggest motherfucking
phone on the planet.

And your ass will be trending
in 10 minutes.

Who in here follow chrisrob11?

Put your fucking hands down!

His social media game is crazy!
Crazy!

Run.

Go, go. Get out. No! No!

Yeah!

No, no!
I'm a lawyer! I'm a lawyer!

Magical night, isn't it?
Jesus. You scared me.

Mr. green.

Man, you're everywhere
tonight.

I end every Christmas
at this party.

What do you mean?
How do you get in?

It's my party.

What?

About 20 years ago,

I read the great gatsby.

I love that book.

Movie's all right.
3D gives me a headache,

but I'm a sucker for Leo.

So this guy,

he throws all these parties,
and nobody knows who he is.

I thought, "wow, that's
pretty fucking cool."

My cousin Larry's got this
giant warehouse in Brooklyn,

figured I'm working on Christmas
anyway, so I should do it too.

We started out pretty small.

Just a punch bowl
and some sleigh bells,

and it gets bigger and bigger
every year.

This year
we added that train.

Through the trippy tunnel
of lights.
Yeah.

Cool way to enter
a party, right?
Yeah.

What'd you think of Miley?

Yeah, she was great.
She was great.

Ethan, you and I both know,
Miley was flawless.

Something's bugging you.

Your friends,
they ain't gonna leave you.

They need you, kid.

How do you know about that?

Smoke this.

Nah, I'm good, man.
Weed makes me paranoid now.

This is the staff of life.

Okay.

You're making me
a little uncomfortable.

I've been told
my quiet intensity

has that effect on people.

But sometimes,

being uncomfortable
can be a good thing.

Fuck it. Thanks.

Hey.
Hey, man.

'Sup, dude?
What are you guys doing here?

We just thought maybe
you'd wanna hang out.

Some company or something.

Just say what's up.
Yeah, just say what's up.

That's cool.

I'm packing all this shit up.

Old people have so much stuff.
You guys remember that.

You have to throw things away
in life.

For sure.

Play some Nintendo?
Yeah, n64?

I think I'm just gonna
chill here.

I appreciate you guys
coming over,

but I think I'm just gonna--

no, man. Fuck that, dude.
It's Christmas.

You can't be alone.
Let's hang out.

Go to my mom's house.
Play some "goldeneye."

Come on. Look,
i got some whiskey.

I stole some hash
from my brother.

Rolled it in this doobie.

We get pretty fucked up.

I'm sorry.

No. It's cool.
It's all good, man.

It's okay, man.

I just miss them.

We miss them too.

Yeah, man.

But you know what?

We're your new family now.

I'll be your daddy,
Chris'll be your mommy.

No, I'm gonna be the daddy,
you be the mom.

You guys are good friends.

We'll be here
whenever you need us, man.

Always, man.

Yeah, always there
for you, bro.

You can't smoke that
in here.

You can't smoke that
in here.

Figure we can now.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Fuck, that's crazy.
What we hiding this for?

Take a hit, dude.

A little bit
for the homeys.

It's so cold outside too.

We should go to Christmas tree
at rockefeller center.

Yes.
That's a good idea.

Then we go to
fao schwarz...

And we dance on the piano!
And we dance on the piano!

Like tom Hanks in big.
"Heart and soul."

Then we eat Chinese food,
because I'm fucking high.

And then go to the karaoke spot
right by the Chinese food place.

That's a fucking
good idea.

It's a dope night.

That was fucking touching,
yo.

Those are some ride-or-die
homeys you got there.

Cherish that shit.

It's all different now.

Those guys don't need me
anymore.

Oh, yeah? Listen.

We need him! We're not
leaving without him!

He's my best friend in the
world. I can't leave him here.

Don't let the red noses fool
you, these fuckers are tough.

What if I run in, and you try
to climb in a window?

Maybe if you boost me up
we can get around them.

No, I can't boost you,
you're too heavy, man.

We need our friend and
we'll never leave him behind!

Hand him over, reindeer!
Yo!

I'll charge and you go.

- There he is!
- Hey!

We've been looking
everywhere for you!

Rudolph is kicking our ass!
I'm here!

Get down here so we can go!

Here I come!

Come around!

I'm fuckin'--
i got your nose!

I got your nose,
asshole!

How about that,
Rudolph? Huh?

Thanks, Mr. green.
You're welcome.

It was a pretty dumb thing
you did.

I know. I didn't think it
through at all.

I just saw her at the bar
and just...

I don't know man, I really,
really like this girl.

I can't help it.

I was scared of being alone,
and did some stupid shit.

I think she just
wanted you to do

some normal shit that boyfriends
do after two years of dating.

But I'm not normal. You know
this. I'm not normal.

Bunch of abnormal shit
happened to me.

Or, I don't know,
maybe that's just an excuse.

I guess I'm pretty good
at making excuses.

Yeah.
All the time.

If you get paid for that,
you'd be really successful.

Why didn't you tell me?

You know, it's hard
to tell someone.

You have a good reason
to be making excuses.

It's just kind of
ruining your life.

It's harder to stay friends
with people when you're older.

You have so much
of your own shit going on.

We'll just have to try harder.

It's important, you know?

Come on.

I really love you.

I love you a lot.

Thanks, man.

Oh, no.

- Oh, no.
- What's up?

I have 96 missed calls.

Holy shit.

Oh, no, Betsy's gone
into labor, I bet.
No.

Why the fuck would she call
that many times?

Oh, no, she's calling again.

Hello?

Hello? Yes. All right.

All right. That's fine.

Uh, I will be right there.
As fast as I can. Don't worry.

Betsy's going into fucking
labor.

What?

Oh, no! Oh, no!

- Come on!
- Oh, no!

We'll never get a fucking cab
over here!

Wait, look!

It's Mr. green's car!
It's a Christmas miracle!

Isaac, can you drive?
Yeah!

No, no, no, I'm kidding!
I'll drive!

I believe
i finally earned these.

Come on. I got you. I got you.

No, no, no. There you go.
There you go.

Get out of the way!

Where is she? Where is she?

Cindy? Where is she?
Is everything okay?

It's okay.
Nothing happened.

Really?
It was a false alarm.

Oh, god!

False alarm!

Betsy? Betsy?

Thank god. I'm so sorry.

Where were you?

I made a mistake.
I made a huge mistake.

I called you.

I switched phones with Sarah.
From work?

It's a long story.

It doesn't matter. I just need
to tell you something. Okay?

Okay.

I'm gonna come clean with you.

Those drugs you gave me,

they sent me
on a spirit quest.

You know,
like a spirit quest

in an Oliver stone movie
or young guns.

And when that happened,
i kind of realized

that maybe I've been lying to,
maybe, myself and you

about how I really feel
about some stuff.

I'm just gonna show you this.

Just watch this.
Okay.

This baby is a bad fucking
call. I'm not ready for it!

We got to do this responsible
thing, and I got to say

that we should not
be having this baby!

Get rid of this fucking baby!

Put it in a bag
and leave it somewhere!

Put it in a basket

and push it
down a fucking river!

Are you laughing?
This is hilarious.

Cunt!

Did you just call our baby
a cunt?

I forgot about that.

Honestly?
Okay, I can't watch anymore.

But honestly,
I'm a little relieved.

You are?
Are you kidding me!

I feel like such a dumb asshole
compared to you sometimes.

It's all been a lie.
It's all been a front,

because I'm fucking
freaking out.

It's all just been
to compensate

for the fact that
i don't know anything.

This is good. You need
to let it out.
This is good?

Yes. You need
to not bottle it up.

One of us has to
not be freaking out.

I'm actually okay.
Really?

Suddenly I was thinking about
everything you've been saying,

about how strong we are,
and how we can handle it.

And that made me feel better.

Really?

Yeah. I really feel like
i can do this.

Look at me.

I'm your rock.
You're my rock?

I'm Dwayne.

I get to have sex with
Dwayne "the rock" Johnson.

I love you, Isaac.

I love you, dragon.

Betsy.

Did you say "dragon Betsy"?

I'm gonna keep being honest.

I'm tripping my fucking balls
off still,

and you look like a dragon
right now.

I do?
Yeah.

Ah!
Is that scary?

It's intense.

Let's just go. Can we just go?
Let's just go.

That's nice.

What is it?
Aww...

Couldn't have been easy
to tell me that.

It's not gonna be easy
to tell the world either.

Guess we gonna lose the park,
huh?

Fuck that park.
It got crackheads.

Say the grace, boy.

Yes, ma'am.

Heavenly father,

thank you for this food
we're about to receive.

Thank you for my momma.

Thank you for my friends
and their families.

Hi.
Really?

Are you gonna propose to me
again?

No.
Are you sure?

I just wanted to talk to you.

And I have something
to tell you,

and I wanna tell it on
Christmas. If that's all right?

So it can't wait.

Can you just come out here
for a sec and we'll talk,

and then I'll go. I promise.

Okay. Fine.

What?

First of all, I'm sorry
about last night.

I know that was stupid.
Yeah.

And, uh... and...

And it was totally crazy that
i wouldn't meet your parents.

That was just
me being really...

Yeah. I agree with that.

But I guess I was...

I don't know, scared,

because Chris and Isaac
have been my family

for the last 10 years,

so I didn't wanna meet
your family

because that would
change everything.

But everything changes, right?
We all grow up,

and that's a good thing,
i wanna grow up. I do.

I wanna grow up with you.

And I do wanna have a family,

other than two dudes.

But I want that family to...

I want it to be you.

Which is probably worse
than proposing,

because now we're talking
about you bearing my children.

Yeah. It's a lot.

But just pretend I'm saying
it right, if you could.

I'd rather be the guy,
from now on,

who says too much
than not enough.

If we're being honest,
i should apologize to you also

for stalking you,
a little bit.

I knew that you were gonna be
at that bar last night.

You pretended like that
was just coincidence.

I did. And also,

if we're confessing things,

I do ask Betsy about you.

Kind of all the time.

She doesn't let on.

I know.
Because she's my friend.

I ask her about you
every time I see her.

Oh, I know.
Yeah.

She tells me
every time you ask.

She doesn't tell me
that you ask her.

She's a girl.
That's how it works.

Can I come in?

In here?

This is my parents' house.
I know.

I thought that
you didn't do parents.

I'll do your parents.
Oh.

Wow. Nice.

Don't do my dad doggy-style.
He's got very bad knees.

He's an old man now.

All right.

Hey.
Yo.

I kind of wanna kiss you,

but maybe not so soon after
saying I would do your parents.

Come have sex
with my mother and my father.

I thought you were saying,
"come have sex."

With my mother and also
my father.

She won't sleep.

Can we try?
Are you sure?

Showtime. Let's do it.

Thank you.

- Hey, sweetie.
- This is the best.

- Come here, little sweetie.
- Come here.

Come here, sweetie.

Look who it is.
Who are these guys?

Look at that.

Who are these guys here?

Should we do it?
Yeah, do it.

That's good. Wow.

The end.

How was that
for a Christmas story?

That was nice!

That was some shit!

Shit happened!
Things went down!

Lessons were learned.

Friends are important,
but relationships evolve.

I'm so glad Ethan and Diana
ended up together.

I hope he get her pregnant.

I'd like to give a special
shout-out to my seed

for killing it again
this Christmas.

Best I ever did it!

Shit, pop. Thanks.

Thanks for noticing.

Right now,
let the after-party begin!

Dj kevy kev!

Let's turn it up!

Turn it up, now! Holla!