All language subtitles for moh-rivales.en

SEMI-FINAL, NATIONAL JUNIORS LEAGUE

2ND SEMI-FINAL, NATIONAL JUNIORS LEAGUE

2ND SEMI-FINAL, NATIONAL JUNIORS LEAGUE
Ram�n!

2ND SEMI-FINAL, NATIONAL JUNIORS LEAGUE

Go, Oriol!
Go!

Hey! That's okay! Go! Go!

What's going on?

You're on the take, you idiot!

- Fuckhead! Yeah, you.
- Asshole!

Ref, you're such a dick!

Who's there?
Who's there? No!

The boy just saved a goal.

Relax, relax!

Ref! Ref!

Oy, Oy, Oy!
We're going to Seville!

Oy, Oy, Oy!
We're going to Seville!

GUILLERMO LE�N,
37, DIVORCED

SALESMAN FOR CATALONIAN CAVA
IN THE MADRID REGION

THE GUCCI JACKET
AND TINO CASAL CD ARE HIS,

THE JAGUAR IS HIS BROTHER'S

Willy! Dad's here!

Sir, come with me, please.

You'll see, it looks great.

What do you think?

Silestone, Tropical Forest model.

Nice, huh?
Would you sign here?

No, no. I'm just visiting.

I don't live here.

Come on, champ!

Hello.

- How many have you had?
- Five.

- Only five?
- Is a hundred a lot?

Holy shit... Come on.

Willy, drop that remote!

If you're in a rush
you'd better unplug it.

- That's final!
- I don't care.

I'm phoning to cut off
the Internet connection.

Always the threats.

You're going to study here
all weekend.

- Sure.
- Get up there!

- I don't feel like it!
- You don't?

- You're crazy!
- Go to your room!

- I'll run away from home!
- If only!

- I'll hook up with a Latin King!
- And don't come back!

Hi, Guillermo.

Hi. How are you doing?
I came for Willy.

How are you?

Good. Great.

A bit of gravel in the kidney,
but aside from that,

I'm in a good patch,

at work, relationships,
everything's great.

Not me.

- Trouble with your girl?
- She goes topless on Messenger.

Sorry?

I caught her flashing her tits
to her classmates!

On the computer.

It's a difficult age.

Yeah, hers or ours?

KILLING THE FATHER

KILLING THE FATHER
- So? Nothing to say?
- About what?

KILLING THE FATHER

- Is the car cool or what?
- It's alright.

"Alright" he says.

The firm gave it to me
for beating the sales targets.

Is it yours?

Not mine, no.
They've got it on lease.

Right. Doesn't Uncle Juanjo
have one like this?

The same model, yes.

And the same license plate.

Okay, okay,
it's Uncle Juanjo's car,

but they're giving me one like it.

What's up with the girl,
your half-sister?

What is she up to?

- Willy, give me that.
- I'm going to listen to music.

- We can talk, can't we?
- About what?

School, for example.
Put that away.

They've got it in for me.

And the girls?
Do they have it in for you?

No.

If the times comes,
you know what to do...

Yeah, put on a condom.

You whack on a condom, yes, sir.

I know.

And what? Listen, damn it!

- What were you playing?
- A game.

But what's it about?
Talk to me.

- Killing zombies.
- Doesn't it scare you?

No. Nothing scares me.

Great. That's great.
Do you know why?

You're surname's Le�n,
like your dad.

- You know what a "le�n" is?
- A mammal?

A king. The king of the jungle.

Hey...
Check out your horoscope.

"Success in every venture today".

You'll have a great game, son.

The game is tomorrow.

The game...

is tomorrow, sure,
but it's Madrid-Bar�a tonight,

and we'll thrash them too.
It works for both things.

I wasn't going to tell you, but...

Don't get rattled,

but I got wind that
a Real Madrid scout

is coming to Seville.

Willy. Willy.

Willy...
Why won't you look at me?

Men look each other in the eye.

I wouldn't sell half of what I do
if I didn't.

Look me in the eye.

- Have you got a problem?
- No.

Is it rough at home
with your mother and Teo?

Yeah, the usual.

The usual.
You know I'm looking for a flat.

When I get one,
you'll come live with me.

If you want.
Maybe the little lord doesn't.

Thanks. Do you want to?

Would I have a TV and computer
in my room?

We'll put in a Jacuzzi if you like.

With foam.

Elbows on the table looks terrible.

- You don't smoke, do you?
- No.

- Or joints?
- No.

- Have you never tried it?
- No.

- Aren't you curious?
- No.

Do you...

Do you masturbate much?

What about you?

You have to have more trust,

more trust in your left foot.

Your left foot is like
Ra�l's left foot.

Do you know how Ra�l scored
his first goal against Bar�a?

With his left.

He looked for a pass from Laudrup,
and then...

all Nou Camp went quiet...

What are you doing?

- Give me that!
- Why?

Do I have to run on batteries
for you to listen to me?

And you're always watching
that crap on the screen.

I'm going to the bathroom.

When I get back,
I don't want to see one potato left.

Check this out!
You go ahead.

- Have you seen my wallet?
- No.

I had it when I came in.

It's in the car.

What are you doing?

Put the bill on here.
Put the bill on here!

- Good afternoon.
- Hello.

- Are you in charge?
- Yes.

Nice to meet you.
Guillermo Le�n.

My son and I had lunch here.

Terrific, by the way.

This is our bill,
a mere 28 euros.

I'm going to pay you with
two boxes, 3 bottles in each,

6 bottles of the finest cava
you've ever tasted.

This is Mas�a Rovira,

Brut Vintage.

- In hypermarkets it's worth...
- Is it Catalonian?

Well, yes.

No. Nothing Catalonian
comes into my restaurant.

Right.

They want nothing to do
with Spaniards,

so I want nothing to do with them.

A lot of Catalonians don't...

They can do whatever
the hell they like,

but they're not filling their pockets
with anything from this till.

I'm giving it to you for free.

It's a gift. Take it.
It's a gift.

And I see you're
a Real Madrid man, like me.

Yes. What of it?

Do you know who founded
Real Madrid?

The Padr�s brothers.
They were Catalonians.

Don't have a go at Real Madrid.

I'm not.

See that lad? He's my son.

He was in his mum's belly
when I made him a member.

We're going to Seville
to play a Catalonian team.

And we'll thrash them.
Right, Willy?

Do you think I like Catalonians?

They bust my balls,

like they do everyone else,

but they've got some good things,
you can't deny that.

Tomato bread, Port Aventura,
Pau Gasol, he's a star,

and above all,
you can't deny it, cava.

I want you to try it. Please.

It sells like hotcakes.
It's great at room temperature.

You might even order some.

No. Thanks, but I have an ulcer...

It's digestive. Got a glass?

This goes from 0 to 100
in 4 seconds.

Bastard!

Do you know what
Stephen Hawking says?

We're 5 minutes from
the end of the world.

I'm not surprised that
people are loopy,

waiting for the tiniest excuse

to savage each other. We're killing
ourselves and the planet.

Your generation had better
get moving,

...or it's all over.
- That's great.

What's great?

We have to fix what you screwed up.

Hold on,
I didn't screw anything up.

I've struggled my whole life
to raise a good family

and to give you a good life.

The thing is,
your mother wouldn't follow me.

- That's all.
- Where?

Huh?

Where was she meant to follow you?

Okay. You get out
and fill her up.

What'll you pay with?

Fill her up and don't you worry.

Listen.
The expensive kind, the 98.

Hello. Good afternoon.

- Is that 'n' for... Nuria?
- No.

- Don't tell me... Nerea?
- No.

Wait, I've got a gift for this.

With those eyes,
your name is... Nieves?

Your tank is heating up.

No, I'm not giving you
this watch for the gas.

It's worth a lot more.
It's a guarantee.

Are you going to rob me?

It's collateral.
Do you know what that is?

Please, please!

And tomorrow... Listen to me!

I'll come back,

give you the cash,
and you return my watch.

Take what you want.
There's 2000 in the till.

You're not listening.

My dad, boyfriend and brother
are out back.

Shall I talk to them, Natalia?

My name's Nines, damn it!
Nines!

Nines, honey, you hurt me.

The Civil Guards come by
every day at this time.

Look, I need gas.
I've lost my wallet,

and I'll leave you
this beauty as a guarantee:

a Formula 1 Tag,
the one Fernando Alonso uses.

It has a sapphire crystal,
luminescent hands,

this thing that goes round,

this is for scuba-diving,
but I use it to time the chicken.

Help!

Run, run, run!

Run like hell!

Shut it.

Help!

Son of a bitch! I'm going to...

Okay, okay.

Take it easy. It's fine.

What the hell's wrong with people?

What's wrong with them?

What's wrong?
What's wrong with the car?

What's wrong with the car?

No... No, no.

What's wrong?
What's wrong, honey?

What's wrong, honey?

Did you put gas in this?

Diesel, the expensive kind.

Diesel?
You put diesel in it?

You put diesel in it?

See?

This is the problem.
You don't listen to me.

I talk and talk, and what?
Am I talking to a brick wall?

Are you so uninterested in
what I say?

- If only I'd had...
- Dad!

...a dad like me to tell you
about the world.

- They're coming.
- Who's coming?

Get the hell out of here!

This way! This way!

Stop, stop.

What did I do?

What did I do to deserve this?

Hold on, hold on...

Think positive.

There's always a bright side,
according to Luis Rojas Marcos,

a psychiatrist in New York.

He runs hospitals there.

What's the bright side here?

My wallet!

You stole my wallet?

You stole my wallet?

I didn't steal your wallet.

It was right here.
You dickhead!

- How did it get here?
- How should I know?

Look me in the eye, Willy!

So you're a crook now?
Then have some balls.

Did you put diesel in on purpose?

- I didn't do anything.
- What did I do?

What did I do apart from
devote myself to you?

I don't want to play football, okay?

It's horrible. I can't stand
the coach, my team-mates,

anybody. I want to be alone.

You're smoking dope
by the truckload!

Sons of bitches.

This is...

This is Africa,
Africa I'm telling you.

This is hell.

Pick up your stuff.

Are you proud of yourself?

You steal from me, lie to me...

Look at your uncle's car, dickhead!
It's your fault!

What I can't forgive you is that
my jacket's still back there.

You're going to get it.

If I bashed your head in now
it'd be self-defence.

Hang on...

The insurance covers all this.

It'll look brand new.

They'll give him a new one.
He'll even thank me for it.

I don't want to play the match.

Right...

You don't want to play
because I'm telling you to.

No, it's all just a lie, okay?

Nobody's signing me up
for Real Madrid, I won't be Ra�l,

and I won't live in your house
because you don't have one.

All these negative ideas,
where do they spring from?

Don't you eat any fruit, or what?

You're entering the dark side
and think you're all grown up

and radical.
But you're going to play.

You'll score at least one goal
and the scout will sign you up.

I'm not playing.

Fine. Then I'm going
to the police right now.

- What for?
- What for? To file a report.

You stole my wallet.
You're going to reform school.

Okay, I'll go on the field,
but I'll play badly.

Impossible. You've got my blood.

You'll only think about winning.

However bad things get,

whatever problems beset you,

you're Willy Le�n,
you'll never throw in the towel.

THE MORALES:
39 AND 42 YEARS OLD.

THE MORALES:
39 AND 42 YEARS OLD.
Get some dry toast, honey.

Get some dry toast, honey.

CAR SALESMAN AND SECRETARY
AT REPSOL MANAGEMENT
Get some dry toast, honey.

CAR SALESMAN AND SECRETARY
AT REPSOL MANAGEMENT

Mum, Elton's here with his parents.

THEIR SON'S NAME IS RODRIGO,
NAMED AFTER EL CID
Mum, Elton's here with his parents.

THEIR SON'S NAME IS RODRIGO,
NAMED AFTER EL CID

THEIR SON'S NAME IS RODRIGO,
NAMED AFTER EL CID
Get me some chips!

Get me some chips!

Mar�a, we should say hello.
They're good customers.

And very tacky.

You know what the Combi
I sold them cost?

With the new seats,
metallic paint job, DVD...

it came to over 50 grand.
And they paid in cash,

2500 commission for me.

Six packets of biscuits?

They're on offer
and they've got fibre.

We'll be more regular.

Don't you want to be regular?

- I am.
- Yes, like clockwork.

A Swiss clock.

- Well, well!
- Hi!

Look who's here,
the super-salesman.

THE ALEGRES, 37 YEARS OLD
Look who's here,
the super-salesman.

THE ALEGRES, 37 YEARS OLD

THE ALEGRES, 37 YEARS OLD
You were right,
it's better than black.

You were right,
it's better than black.

OWNERS OF "BAR CALIFORNIA"
IN THE COSLADA AREA.
You were right,
it's better than black.

OWNERS OF "BAR CALIFORNIA"
IN THE COSLADA AREA.

OWNERS OF "BAR CALIFORNIA"
IN THE COSLADA AREA.
- We love it.
- It's like a second honeymoon.

- We love it.
- It's like a second honeymoon.

THEIR SON IS CALLED ELTON JOHN,
AFTER ELTON JOHN.
- We love it.
- It's like a second honeymoon.

THEIR SON IS CALLED ELTON JOHN,
AFTER ELTON JOHN.

THEIR SON IS CALLED ELTON JOHN,
AFTER ELTON JOHN.
- Did the lad tell you?
- What?

- Did the lad tell you?
- What?

About us going together.

To Seville, in the new Combi.
It burns up the highway.

It's silly going on the club bus.
What a drag!

- We've got loads of room.
- Say yes, Dad.

Yes... What do you say?

- Terrific! What else?
- Sure!

- It's our turn at the deli.
- We'll pick you up at 11, okay?

- 11, yes.
- We'll bring sandwiches.

- Great.
- I'm going with them.

Mar�a, it's only one weekend.

You never get it.

What do I have to get now?

- They're swingers.
- What?

They swap partners.

- Who told you that?
- Various mothers.

What do mothers know? Come on!

We mothers know everything.

So? Let's say they're singers...

- Swingers.
- Who cares, Mar�a?

We'll go in the Combi,
see the game and come home.

And spend the night in Seville
with a couple of perverts.

No one will force you
into anything, Mar�a.

They're your customers.
I'm taking the bus.

Kick it good, kick it hard,
score a goal, give 'em hell.

Here comes the greatest team
in Spain, and you can tell.

Kick it hard, into the net,
and sing goal, goal, goal!

Rivals stand aside,
this cup belongs to...

Deportivo Madrile�o!

- Hooray for lads!
- And their mums!

These wheels are hot.
It's like riding a surfboard.

The seats are great.

One click and it turns into a bed.

- We broke it in last night.
- Right here, Mar�a.

We haven't shagged in a car
for years, have we, babe?

- Right here.
- What a blast!

I'm not saying
we haven't done pretty well.

The boys have made a huge effort.

But when the league began
I thought we were dead ducks.

- We always played defensively.
- We're conservative.

Yes. I think Pepe uses

an ambiguous strategy,
and not because he's a fairy.

Hey, listen,

I've got nothing against fairies.

Hold on, I don't get it.

- Who are we talking about?
- The coach.

- The coach is?
- As if it didn't show.

But he's married.

What's that got to do with it?

Didn't you see that cowboy movie,
Brokeback Mountain?

How can they let him into the club?

What's that got to do with it?
He's a great person.

But he shares things
with the kids,

the dressing rooms,
the trips, the showers...

Don't worry,
they say he likes "bears"

Oh... with animals?

In gay slang,

"bears" are big, hairy guys.
The Jack Black type.

Guys with beards, rugged,
like your husband.

In theory we're all
open and progressive,

but you wouldn't want
your son to be a homosexual.

As long as Elton was happy...

He's got a touch of it, look.

That cyclist was lucky.

We all have our quirks, eh, Mar�a?

Be quiet now,
you're going to savour

the exquisite delicacy
I'm going to put in your mouth.

I know you'll give me pleasure,
you'll do it real good,

you always do it so good.

You're doing it so good, so good.

You're doing it so good, so good.

You're doing it so good, so good.

You're doing it so good, so good.

But, honey, don't stop,
keep going, don't stop.

You'll get your reward,
you do it so good.

And while I concentrate,
suck it deep down,

that time has come
and you did it real good.

You're doing it so good...

- We always stop here, right hon?
- Really?

Well, here we are.

- Elton!
- Mum, I'm dying for a piss!

It's great, man!

It's not the car for us.

No, it's for someone divorced
or single.

Or a married guy
who wants to party, eh?

- I'm not a party guy.
- You?

- You dog you!
- Wasn't I a bear?

You like that, eh?

Great. Fancy a beer?

- We should go in.
- Whatever you say.

Tonight let's park the kids
and go out partying, yeah?

- My back's a mess.
- Your neck?

- Yes.
- Jorge's massages are to die for.

Jorge! When we get to the hotel
you're giving Mar�a a massage!

I'm starving.

A positive attitude isn't that hard.

You have to trust,
not that you don't now,

but you have to have
more trust your in your left foot.

Last time, we were here
with Juan Garicomano, remember?

Yes. We got drunk.

There was only one room.

- The four of us bunked up.
- Mum, can I go out and play?

- Play what?
- Cars.

- What's that?
- I say, for example,

the first car to go past will be

an Audi, and if it does, I win.

The first to lose three times
pays a forfeit.

What kind of forfeit?
You be careful!

- Let's celebrate!
- No, I don't...

Come on! A toast to tonight!

- Sorry?
- To Madrid versus Bar�a!

Football gets my blood going.
And with a good game...

I get a boner, man. Don't you?

- Don't I, honey?
- Yes.

No, go ahead.
I'll use this one.

Fuck!

Forgive me for asking.
You don't have to answer.

Where'd you get your operation?

Operation?

Your tits, Mar�a!

- They're the ones I want.
- No, thanks, I...

Your man must be happy.
Jorge would go nuts.

I've hardly got any.
Look what I'm reduced to.

I'd love to, but I'm scared.

At my last blood test
I broke three syringes.

No, they're mine.

I sleep with a bra.

At age 13 they were even bigger.
It was awful.

My grandma told me,
"Sleep with a bra

or those will keep growing",
and that's that.

- Can I?
- Can you what?

- She touched my thingies.
- Maribel?

She beat around the bush,
but in the end she touched them.

Well, he...

- He didn't touch you?
- No, he touched his...

- In front of you?
- No. But I heard him.

You can hear that?

I'm a man. I know.

- They're sexually harassing us.
- Don't exaggerate.

Oh, I'm making it up?

They're fishing around,

- but they won't catch us.
- I wanted to take the bus.

It's okay.

You always get what you want.

What?

It wouldn't surprise me
if you were enjoying this.

Rodrigo!

Mum, I'm paying a forfeit!

Well I never...

I love this padded ergonomic seat.

It's so nice,
even on back roads.

It's the 4 Motion traction,
the individual wheel rotation.

And the Haltex clutch.

If I snore, poke me.

What's this nutcase doing?

- The show-off!
- Look at him go!

That's a dip sign!

- Maribel, put it in second!
- He's going to hit that truck!

Maribel! The brake!

Did I wake you?
Long naps give me a headache.

Do you mind?

No, no. Not at all.

- What are you two laughing at?
- Nothing.

Carlos, what's this button for?

It's the cruise control.

You press it like this.
See? It sets a limit.

Look. See?
Step on it now. See?

Oh, it's true!

These new machines have some tricks...

- You'll have to show me all of them.
- Whenever you like.

- What is it?
- A bee.

It's gone.

- The bathroom?
- In there.

Yes?

What?

What?

Hi, Dad.

Be more convincing. Ask me:

"How are things?
Is something wrong?" Say it.

How are things? Is something wrong?

Carlos, your mother's very ill,
she's in hospital.

In hospital? Really?

No! You have to pretend
that you believe it!

Yeah, yeah...

Is it serious? How serious?

I'm shaking.
You can't see me, but I am.

I can't take this pressure.

So, your mother's dying
and we're very sorry,

- but we have to go to her.
- And the match?

Don't worry, we'll get a taxi.

- That'll cost a fortune.
- It's his mother.

But Mar�a, really, we don't mind.

Relax, you go ahead.

- But we'll take the boy, right?
- No!

He has to play the last game.

A grandmother is more important
than a game.

- But Mum, I want to play!
- He can stay with Elton.

It's only one day. Please!

- Go on.
- Sure.

Imagine if the Catalonians won
and it was my fault.

Rodrigo, she's your dad's mother.

I hope to God it's not,

but it might be her last game.

But Mum, I want to play!

No, no...

It doesn't disgust you, does it?

What do you mean?

I imagine the four of us
in bed and...

- And?
- No way.

They're coming back!

Maribel and I were talking
and we can't leave you here.

- We'll take you to Madrid.
- But...

No buts about it.

No, we had a terrible time
last year with my mother,

and we know what good friends mean.
Come on, get in.

We'll leave the boys with my sister
and take you to the hospital.

Because of her mother

we made great friends
with the cardiology team.

We know the ropes there,
so don't worry.

Thanks a lot, guys, but...

No, we'll stay with you
the whole night.

Mela, I'm leaving my best friend's son
and Elton with you. Call me. Love you.

Jorge, take the turn for Seville.

What?

Carlos, this is one of
your mother's little scenes,

I can see it now.

And the poor kids
won't make their game. No, no.

I don't know...

You're sticking up for her,

she's your mother after all,
but we know she's after attention.

His brother and sister-in-law
are smarter. They ignore her.

We always do the dirty work.

- Mar�a...
- No.

Maybe if she was grateful, but no.

- Never a gift, even for her grandson.
- Mar�a, stop.

You know what?

She can shove her five flats
and six parking spots.

That's enough!

I can't handle your family,
Carlos, I can't!

Jorge, head for Seville.
It's not a problem.

- Yes?
- Step on it.

- Yes, go on.
- Great!

Really!

I can pull this kind of stunt too.

So prepare yourself.
Prepare yourself.

And pray.

ROSA POU: EX-BALLERINA,

DIRECTOR OF LA GAVINA
CLASSICAL BALLET ACADEMY

THE LAST TIME SHE MET
ANYONE INTERESTING WAS IN 1985.

- Did you come in from Rome?
- Sorry, I don't understand.

Are you from the flight crew
coming from Rome?

- There was a boy on the flight...
- Several.

No, he was alone.
My grandson Piero.

Blonde, 13, probably in a tracksuit.

- I'm sorry.
- Where do they... dump them.

- What?
- Kids who travel alone.

- There's no 'dump' for them.
- But you go with them...

At age 13 there's no obligation
to watch over them.

So my grandson doesn't have
a card around his neck

and an attendant with him?

A 13-year-old can enter
a country alone?

If he has a ticket and papers.

- As long as he pays, right?
- Excuse me?

If he were an adult on a raft
they'd kick him out.

I'll explain again.
The boy's father, Giovanni...

The boy's called Giovanni?

The father is Giovanni,
the boy's called Piero.

I don't speak Catalonian very well.

- You don't?
- I'm from Teruel.

- How long have you been here?
- 5 years.

And in 5 years of serving the public
in Barcelona Airport

you've not gained
the basic understanding

to get it into your head
that I have a grandson called Piero,

the son of my son-in-law Giovanni,

and that this morning Giovanni
called me at 8 a.m. to say

that my grandson Piero

was getting on your flight 1045?

If you say it in Spanish,
I understand you.

- What about in English?
- As well.

Your English is fine.

Catalonian is superfluous,
like an extra on a DVD,

something that's not worth learning.

So what are 7 million people?
Res.

I'm sorry, "nothing".

Giovanni Risi, the choreographer.
This is Rosa, his mother-in-law.

There's no passenger
called Piero Risi.

- And Al Mansouri?
- Your grandson has two surnames?

Like everyone else. Don't you?

So Al Mansouri
is his mother's surname.

No, it's Pou, like mine.
His mother is my daughter.

If you'd explain...

Incredible. You lose a child
and I have to explain.

My son-in-law isn't Italian,
he's a Libyan

called Abdel Al Mansouri,
but he started work

at the RAI when that fascist
Berlusconi was in power,

at the start of the Western crusade
against the Muslims,

which will lead us into World War 3,

so he took an artistic name:
Giovanni Risi.

- You said Al Mansouri.
- Yes, like the dissident.

The Libyan dissident they jailed
for demanding freedom of the press.

I'm in Amnesty International
and I assure you

many people are locked up for
demanding their legitimate rights.

But no one is jailed for
losing a child on a plane, so relax.

Giovanni? What?

Piero's in Madrid?

I'm going to sue you
for a million euros.

Your belt and shoes.

What's wrong with
my belt and shoes?

They have buckles.

A belt without a buckle
isn't a belt,

and these aren't Manolo Blahniks,
but they're okay. What's wrong?

They make a noise.

No, they don't.
Your contraption makes a noise.

Take them off and put them
on the conveyer belt, please.

- No way.
- You're backing up my queue.

I am not.
You just won't let me through.

There are security measures.

What could I put
in my shoes, a bomb?

- And a katana in my belt?
- Lady!

You said it, I'm a lady,

but you treat me like a terrorist.

And to whom to I owe this honour?
You? No, poor man.

You're following orders.

Our police, the government,
the United Nations?

No, no, no.

I owe this honour to Mr. Bush,
the president of the U.S.,

where a kid can buy a gun,

and I have to show my crap
in a plastic bag.

Lady, put your belt

and shoes on here. Please!

I'm sorry, really, but no.

Since this is a humiliation
and you're a henchman,

do your henchman job
and humiliate me.

We're all suspects!
You too!

They invade, bombard,

torture, destroy the planet,

but we're the terrorists.

And they charge us 35 centimos
per Km for the flight!

His dad bought a ticket
on the Net for Barcelona,

and got one for Madrid by mistake.

The Net is going to start
World War 3.

Does this say Piero?

Yes, but I told you, you can't...

Piero, my dear, take it easy.

I'm on the plane.
It'll take an hour.

We'll be in Madrid in an hour.
Is that right?

- You have to hang up.
- Where? And who?

He's in the Prado Museum.

Have you been there?

Have you seen Goya's black paintings?

I look at the world
and I see Goya's black paintings.

But Spanish is easy to understand.

We don't need any dialects.

Turn that off,
I'm talking to my grandson.

The AVE? Atocha Station?
What are you doing on the AVE?

Yes, I'm almost there.

Atocha Station, please.
Piero, have you eaten?

Sorry, I can't hear you.
Now it's cut off.

...with the Estatut,
they just want more...

and more money
to fill their coffers.

Turn the radio off, please.

Are you going to phone again?

No, but I don't want to
listen to that.

I do.

But I'm paying for the ride, okay?

Yes, but it's my taxi.

Not now. I hired it,
so it's mine now.

Turn the radio off, please.

You haven't hired it.
Read the rules.

He's a real democrat, this one.

If you won't turn it off,
then change the program.

What's wrong with the program?

It's manipulative, fascist trash
and it turns my stomach.

I think it's perfect.

Yes, just like your cab:
full of shit.

Yes, Sergeant.

- I've got your license number.
- License number?

- Yes. If I miss my grandson...
- Oh, piss off!

...l'll sue you for
three million euros!

You rude man! You mule!

It's closed.

What do you mean, closed?

It's right there.
Don't you touch me.

No, don't touch me.

The train's right there.
If you'll let me through...

Take the next one.
Look, it's leaving.

To Seville! To Seville!

What's up? We're...

PEPE, 36, MARRIED
COACH, DEPORTIVO MADRILE�O
What's up? We're...

PEPE, 36, MARRIED
COACH, DEPORTIVO MADRILE�O

PEPE, 36, MARRIED
COACH, DEPORTIVO MADRILE�O
A team!

PEPE, 36, MARRIED
COACH, DEPORTIVO MADRILE�O

PEPE, 36, MARRIED
COACH, DEPORTIVO MADRILE�O
- Deportivo...
- �Madrile�o!

Get on, boys.
Chaperones as well.

HIS LADS CALL HIM "YOGI BEAR".
Get on, boys.
Chaperones as well.

Get on, boys.
Chaperones as well.

You're not going to Seville
by any chance?

By chance no,
by bus on the Andalusian Highway.

- That was a joke, right?
- Well...

I don't get jokes very well.

Don't be offended,

I'm sure it was very funny,
but I don't...

Yes, we're going to Seville.

And you're playing against
Atl�tic Barcelon�s.

Some posh Catalonians
we're going to thrash.

I'm the grandma of
one of those posh kids.

- Now you're joking, aren't you?
- Very kind.

Kick it good, kick it hard,
score a goal, give 'em hell.

Here comes the greatest team
in Spain, and you can tell.

Kick it hard, into the net,
and sing goal, goal, goal!

Rivals stand aside,
this cup belongs to...

Deportivo Madrile�o!

- What are we?
- A team!

- Where are we going?
- To Seville!

- To stick it up the ass of...
- The Catalonians!

We're going to Seville!

Why is Bar�a like a D. J?

Go on, smarty-pants.

On Saturdays all they can do
is stand there and scratch.

Give it here.

A Catalonian is rubbing
a wall with a euro.

Somebody comes by and says:
"What are you doing?"

He's says, "A penny shaved
is a penny earned".

That's a good one!

I've got another one...

Two Catalonians
are walking down the road...

Now a song for our Catalonian friend,
by Serrat.

"Beautiful Barcelona".

That beach, that sand,

and that foot on the tar,

that station, that train,

that tree-lined Rambla.

Stopping in Corpus,

Christmas streamers and fireworks.

In summer, beaches full of

half-naked foreign girls,

wearing almost nothing.

Beautiful Barcelona,

from the Rambla to Tibidabo...

Beautiful Barcelona in winter...

Get the Catalonian lady to sing!
The Catalonian!

Sing. I love Barcelona.
Don't you want to sing?

She doesn't want to sing!
But long live tomato bread!

Get the Catalonian to sing!
The Catalonian!

Come on, you cheapskate! Sing!

Catalonian...

Do you mind if I sit here?

There are free seats,
but I like travelling with company.

Especially if it's female.

I've all but stopped being female.

I'm single.

Aren't you going to ask why?

- You're a homosexual.
- No.

I don't feel like talking.
I'm exhausted.

I've been on the move since 6 am
and my feet hurt.

I was a priest.
My whole life. A Jesuit.

What are you doing here?

I'm taking my little brother's son.

He's the goalkeeper.

He has an I.Q. of 75
but he's a genius at saving goals.

Why did you leave the profession?

- Because God isn't around.
- No?

He's gone. To another solar system
or galaxy. He's not here.

50 years of celibacy for someone
who isn't there. Can you imagine?

I've never known
a woman in the biblical sense,

but that'll all be fixed today.

Does "teach them that know not"
ring a bell?

Carmen, you're the first purser
to call me back.

SARA, 25,
ONCE A HYPERACTIVE CHILD,

SARA, 25,
ONCE A HYPERACTIVE CHILD,
And see? There was no problem.

SARA, 25,
ONCE A HYPERACTIVE CHILD,

I'm a lot better.
The pills are working really well.

SHE OVERCAME THIS
WITH TAEKWONDO CLASSES
I'm a lot better.
The pills are working really well.

I'm a lot better.
The pills are working really well.

And the therapy,
I've got a great therapist.

You know what I discovered?
It's all in my mind.

Don't you see?

I always thought men stared at me
like they wanted to eat me up,

and now I know I've created
a false image of myself,

a hypersexual superego
that doesn't exist.

That incident with the passenger
will never happen again.

He felt me up and I almost
suffocated him with a pillow.

Well now,
I wouldn't try to kill him.

I don't feel that rage
against men anymore.

They're not all potential rapists.

Take my boyfriend.

We've been dating for 3 months
and now I'm meeting his son,

so it's serious.
Well, we haven't slept together.

No?

No. It's a pure relationship

based on love and respect.

It reassures me that

not everyone is obsessed with sex.

- I'm a lot better, aren't I?
- Fabulous.

So, will you keep taking me
on your crew?

Sara, I'd take you anywhere.

Here, this is for you.
It's Mace.

That's it, from now on

I'm Sara-who-still-trusts-people.

XAVIER ROVIRA, 38.

HEIR TO MAS�A ROVIRA CAVAS
AND A WIDOWER

HE HAS PANIC ATTACKS
AND NOCTURNAL EMISSIONS.

- Darling.
- My love.

How was your flight?

The usual. Smooth as silk.
How about you?

Good.
Oriol, come and say hello!

Sorry, he still has trouble
facing the world.

I'm a bit nervous too.

We may be taking a big step.

I know.

I feel love, Sara.
Inside. It's very strong.

Darling!

- Nothing will ruin this. Say it.
- Nothing.

Ignore him, he wants to be
the new Amenabar.

KILLING THE SON

- Do you like your job?
- Yes, a lot.

My dad says a stewardess
is a waitress in a plane.

Who me? No!

You also said it was a job
for the uneducated.

No, I said the opposite.
You have to learn languages,

pass a test...

What if a plane crashes into
a sea full of sharks?

Do you have to let them
eat you before the passengers?

Oriol, be quiet,
you're hyperventilating.

Have you ever been in
a terrorist attack?

Stop taping, you'll get carsick.

If she's to be my stepmother,
I have to get to know her!

Stepmother isn't a nice word.

- Aren't you?
- It's a bit too soon.

- I thought it was serious.
- We are serious.

- What about you?
- Me too.

- Do you like Mexican food?
- Yes, I love it.

We had a Mexican breakfast
at the hotel.

How was it?

What are you doing, son?

Oh, do me a favour!
What are you doing?

It's a bloody mess.

I told him...
This is terrible, I'm sorry.

It's alright. I'm okay.

I told you not to put
so much chilli on it!

- Will you get me that top?
- Of course.

- What?
- Nothing.

Then give it to me.

What!

Don't they hurt?

What a pig.

White rice for the lad, right?

An entrecote here,
and another not so well-done.

- Thanks a lot.
- Anything else?

No, it's fine, thanks.

- I want an entrecote.
- Not on an upset stomach.

- This is disgusting.
- You haven't tried it.

- I can smell it.
- Let's see... It's fine.

- I'm going to vomit again.
- Then don't eat it.

I didn't do it on purpose,
it was an accident.

Suit yourself.

- I'll have the rice.
- Why?

There's too much tension.

We're like three balloons
about to explode.

Let's let out some air. Alright?

Shall we take three deep breaths?
Come on...

Stop groping me
you fucking midget!

Sorry. It was me.

I'm going to throw up.

God! I'm so embarrassed.

No, Sara, it's my fault.

No, it's me.
I imagine things.

I'm crazy, I think men
are ogling me and want to...

I must explain.

You don't need to. I know.

Sara, I really want to be with you.

Me too.

But I want it to be perfect,
I don't want to blow it.

I don't know how to tell you...

Maybe I shouldn't,
I'm embarrassed.

Alright then.

I saw an astrologist.

What for?

To find out the best
Virgo-Pisces conjunction.

It's today.

Good. Soft on the accelerator.
Control it.

That's it. Come on.
Very good, Oriol.

Oriol! What are you doing?

Relax, he's doing fine.

Tell him to let go of the wheel!

- Can I take it to 60?
- Yes, but don't rush it.

- Are you two crazy?
- It's a service road. We're safe.

Tell him to pull over now!

- Tell her to shut up.
- Please!

Sara, we're overcoming a trauma.

- Stop or I'm jumping out!
- She hasn't got the balls.

Oh, no?

- Okay, listen to her.
- To her?

- Stop the car.
- I don't want to.

Sara! Don't scream!

I'm sorry,
but we're fucked now.

It's her fault.

You can't just do what you like!

Now she's acting like a stepmother.

- You spoilt brat!
- Neurotic!

- Freak!
- Will you two calm down?

Shit, they're coming.
Act natural, I'll reason with them.

- Afternoon, officers.
- Afternoon.

- How are you?
- You, out of the car.

- Xavier, he doesn't have...
- Come on!

The boy drove for two seconds...

- Hands on the hood.
- Listen, please!

You too.

She was just sleeping in back.

Quiet! Put that down, kid,
or I'll smash your face in.

- Listen, please!
- Shut up.

- Let me do it.
- No, I'll take care of the girl.

The papers are in the car.

Don't give me any shit!

- You're overdoing it, aren't you?
- Don't you like it?

I demand to see your identification!

Shut up, you clown!

Stop it, you'll kill him. Stop!

Sara! Darling!

We're Civil Guards.

You've got sugar balls
in all colours,

here are the Chupa-Chups...

These ones, I love these.

- I don't.
- There are crisps, sunflower seeds...

- They're free?
- Anything you want.

- Shall I fill your tank?
- There's no need.

Some magazines?

No, thanks.
Anyway, it wasn't me.

It was her.
Have you seen "Kill Bill"?

It was wicked. Kicks, punches...

You should've seen it.

Is she your wife?

- Thanks.
- What for?

It's exactly the question
I needed, Natalia.

- Nines.
- Thanks, Nieves.

- Darling...
- Leave me alone.

- No. It was beautiful.
- It was horrible.

I hadn't the faintest idea.

I get violent outbursts,
I'm unhinged. Now you know.

- You looked lovely.
- I thought I had it under control.

No, no, don't control it.
Don't control it.

Will you marry me?

Football came to the Iberian
Peninsula here in Andalusia,

in the province of Huelva,

in 1873, when English workers

at the Rio Tinto mines
started a team.

The oldest team in Spain
is Huelva,

founded in 1889.

EDU, 39, MARRIED
COACH, ATL�TIC BARCELON�S

HIS LADS CALL HIM
KING BILLY "THE HAIRY"

This is yours, right?

This is it, great.

Parents, the reservations
are in your names, alright?

- Has the other team been here long?
- Just 15 minutes.

15 minutes. Thanks.

THE BEAR AND THE STRAWBERRY TREE

- This can't happen.
- That's true.

We can't leave it so long.

No, what can't happen is this.

- I'm married, and so are you.
- Not now.

- What?
- I got a divorce

- No!
- I told you I would.

What did you tell your wife?

The truth. I'm in love with you.

You talked about me?

What does that matter?
Did you talk to Cristina?

No.

I tried to, but I can't.

It's hard at first,

but when you confess...

you see the light.

You don't know this club.
They'll throw me out of the team,

maybe the federation.

What do you mean?

They can't.
Our thing is totally legal.

- But my wife isn't like yours.
- You don't even know her!

- It's over.
- What is?

Us. You're free now.
You'll find someone else.

Pepe, I don't love anyone else.

We'll talk later, okay?

- I'm not a homosexual.
- Of course not.

What?
Aren't you going to help me?

You insulted my mother again.

- Me?
- Yes, you

We're going through all this
and all you talk about

is your mother.

I've fucking had it with you.

- Hey!
- I warned you.

- Watch the language.
- Fuck that.

Watch your language!

Go back to Madrid.
I'll stay with the boy.

- Get the bus!
- Don't use that tone with me.

- Surprise!
- How are you? I'm sorry.

The hotel's got a spa!

Sure, we'll hit the spa
and relax before dinner.

- Right? Mary!
- Mar�a!

- Mary!
- There's a spa.

- What do you say?
- I'll just finish...

Okay. Be nice.

Finish arguing
and we'll see you downstairs.

In the basement.

- We'll see.
- Be nice, eh?

You're fucking incredible.

How nice! A spa!
Off you go then.

- Where?
- Time's a-wasting.

You think I wouldn't dare?
Do you want to see?

I wouldn't dare?
You'll see. Shit!

You came after all.
The water's divine.

See? We have it all to ourselves.

Well...

Aren't you scared that
someone might walk in?

What, are you chickening out now?

No, Mar�a, no.

It's just that it's our first time
and we're a bit nervous.

You must've been nervous
the first time too, right?

The first time? I don't get it.

Sure, the first time
you did this swinging thing.

- Us?
- All the parents on the team know.

I didn't believe it,
you being such Conservatives,

I didn't, but after today,

all those looks
and all that innuendo...

And you're so gorgeous.

There you go.

Well.

Let's get down to business.

- Get off. I got it.
- Stay there.

Spots, right?

- No answer.
- He must have no signal.

- That's odd.
- His battery must be dead.

- Go away!
- What?

Go away. Leave me alone.

Look, I haven't slept
with anyone for 10 years,

and in the very unlikely event

that I felt like
making up for lost sex,

I'd get a professional specialized
in senior citizens, not a Salesian.

I like you, Rosa.
You're dynamite.

And believe or not,
I'll be yours tonight.

Rosa Pou, P-O-U, spelt the same
in Catalonian or Spanish,

there's no translation.
My ID card.

My key, please.

- Your husband took it.
- My husband?

You! That's my bag!

The man told me...

That man is a twit.
I want a room of my own.

Separate rooms?
Right away.

Piero!

My boy! Where have you been?

This is Carla. Her mum's
one of Dad's ballerinas.

- Hello.
- Nice to meet you.

She came with me from Italy.
She's run away from home.

We're in love
and we want to live together.

Juan Luis, my card.
Call me when you get the crate.

You'll love it. We'll serve cava
at your daughter's wedding.

She deserves a classy wedding.

Alright? It was a pleasure.

Guillermo Le�n, remember that.
See you. Thanks.

Shit. Look.

See him? With the cute girl?
He plays for Barcelon�s.

He kept kicking me
when we played them.

I don't believe it.
He came.

- Who?
- Xavier Rovira.

He's my boss,
the son of the owners.

Sometimes life puts things
right in your lap. Come on.

Don't screw up. Come on.

Thanks. I left the bags here.

Xavier! Hi, how are you?

Fine.

Don't you remember me?

Guillermo Le�n.
Head of sales...

Oh, sure.

...northern zone. I was named
top salesman outside of Catalonia.

- Yes.
- Do you remember?

- Yes, of course.
- Do you remember or not?

- Did you know my son's playing yours?
- No, I didn't know.

Nice to meet you.
Send up our bags.

Did you get the report
I sent you about setting up

new outlets all over
the mountains north of Madrid?

- Asshole! Foreigner!
- Fascist!

- Xavier!
- Oriol!

Okay, that's enough!

- What are you drinking?
- Whisky.

Rosa! Rosa!

I raised his mother.
I was at his birth.

I looked after him
while his parents were on tour.

I bought him his first bike,
computer and mobile phone.

I paid for his school,
his educational psychologist,

a treatment for his acne

and the wires in his teeth.

And last year I committed

the most abominable act
I have ever committed.

Abominable? Which one?

I took him to Eurodisney.

More whisky?

Please.

- You have to help me.
- Relax.

Tell that girl that what she's doing
with my grandson is a sin,

and she'll burn in Hell.
You were a priest.

I'll tell her!

- Offer her money.
- Mine?

No, no. Mine.

Do something.
You have to help me.

Help me get rid of her.

Is she young?

Very young.

Oh, Rosa! Rosa!

Relax.

Why do we all end up
hitting each other today?

- I don't know. Careful.
- Yes. Be quiet.

I think I generate violence,
it's inside me and I spread it.

No, silly, you only spread
the desire to live.

- Your boy started the fight.
- It's kid's stuff.

No, he does
whatever he wants with you.

You can do whatever
you want with me too.

Shit!

See? This will end badly.
Let's forget it.

We should help each other!

We both have our afflictions.

You're scared of desire,
I'm scared of failure.

- We should help each other.
- Right.

We'll overcome our phobias
with deep affection.

Okay.

- Shall we try?
- Try what?

- How about I do nothing?
- What?

You drive.

- Yes?
- Yes.

Oh, of course. Me too, right?

Over here?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes!

No!

No? You don't like it?
It's been a while...

No, honey.
It just tickles.

Let's carry on. Go on.

Do you like it or not?

Yes, of course.
Why wouldn't I, my love?

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

Bloody kid! Get out!

Bloody kid!

I can't, not like this.

With the gum.

- How old is she?
- Less than she seems.

This is Fernando, a friend.
He's a priest and he speaks Italian.

- So?
- Don't get defensive.

- I just want to talk.
- About what?

He's going to prepare you
for marriage

No... Marriage?

Is he talking about marriage?

Come with me.

No, Piero, I don't want to
go with this man.

Would you rather
I spoke to your parents?

Come, come. Have no fear.

- Where's he taking her?
- To the garden.

He's a wonderful man, you'll see.

I don't understand you.

You were never one for priests.

I'm thinking about you.

I want you to do things right.
Have you thought about children?

We're not having children.

- Then you'll need a vasectomy.
- Me? A vasectomy?

No, it's all done for you.

Here, take this.
All you do is waste time.

Stop. Keep still.

What's that?

It's for your shoulders,
they're very tense.

Pepe!
It's Guillermo Le�n.

I can't come out,
I'm in the bath.

It's open. We're coming in.
It's urgent.

- Didn't you lock the door?
- No.

You star striker's leaving
on the train in an hour.

- Willy?
- Yes, he's leaving the team.

Pepe, I'm sorry.
Shit, I'm sorry.

I just can't take any more.

Tell him you're leaving the team!

I can't take any more.

This dickhead doesn't give a shit
about anything,

the team, whether we win or lose...

...my job...

You have to save water, they say.

You bastard,
you did it on purpose.

On purpose? What for?

What for?
So I make the move.

You made the move two years ago
when you slept with me.

Shit, Eduardo, I just signed
a mortgage with Cristina.

Don't bug me now.

You've done nothing
to be ashamed of.

No. Not at all.

What did I do?

I only slept with the coach
of the other team.

Stop it. You're insulting me.

Now Willy will tell the lads,
his dad will tell the parents,

- and everyone will know.
- That's enough.

So I pay for a room
I haven't used.

Talk to your agency.

- Forget it. Call me a taxi.
- It won't be easy.

Everyone will be watching
the Madrid-Bar�a game.

Is everything a problem here?

My train leaves in an hour.

- I'll try. Alright?
- Okay.

Book it. We'll be in the caf�.

- Did you know about Pepe?
- Everyone knew except him.

50 years of celibacy for nothing.
Do you understand?

But you must've known
tons of boys besides Piero.

- Where are we going?
- Do you know the meaning of:

"Give water to the thirsty"?

Why are we getting the lift?

Why don't you ever tell me anything?

You didn't have a problem with him...

...in that way?
- Shut up. No, shut up.

Stop pretending
I mean so much to you.

If you're here,
it's to meet your boss.

You're my dad twice a month
and 15 days a year.

I see Homer Simpson
more than I see you.

So just leave me alone, okay?

- Do you love me?
- Look, the game's about to start.

Do you love me?

I'm going to the bathroom.
Tell me if the taxi comes.

No, it's over. Your trauma,
my trauma and your son's...

It's too many for one relationship.

He's behaving like a teenager,

we have to behave like adults.

Adults? You barely reprimanded him.

I took his camera,
that's like cutting off his arm.

Sara, he's scared,

scared that he'll lose me
because of you.

It's not that.
I hate the way he looks at me.

Let's not start.

He looks at me
the way you look at me.

Any guy of any age
would look at you and think...

Think what? Go on, say it!

- That...
- Don't say it!

It's over, Xavier.

- Sara...
- Don't touch me!

She's wound up.

Sara, will you listen to me
for a second?

Remember when we met.

I couldn't fly.
You couldn't look people in the eye.

From both phobias
we've built something beautiful.

Are we going to let
a 14-year-old boy destroy it?

Good evening.
How are you? Welcome.

The names are on the cards.

Hello. Good evening.

The names are on the cards.

The two teams are together?

The idea is to fraternise.

And if I don't want to fraternise,
I don't get dinner?

It's a Catalonian joke. Hilarious.

- I can't find Carla.
- She'll be along.

Guys, look for your names
on the cards.

- They're over there.
- Great.

- I don't think I'll have dinner.
- What's wrong, Mar�a?

Nothing.
Nothing's wrong with us.

It's a normal Saturday dinner.

Jorge, be nice, eh?

Not that nice, alright?

Mar�a, you're here. With me.

So I don't exist.

Jorge, let's open a bottle of wine

and have a drink. Waiter!

Carlos, there's a trick to it.

Don't I get a card?

They got mixed up.
Take a look around.

If I'm not here,
then shove the dinner.

No...

- Babe!
- No, look, sit here.

It says Guillermo Le�n,
Willy's dad.

- What do I do if he turns up?
- They've gone.

They've gone?

Yeah, they left.
The lad wasn't motivated.

Not motivated?
He's playing tomorrow, isn't he?

He said he didn't want to.

The father agreed.
What do you want me to say?

- They didn't explain.
- Did something happen?

Did something happen?

I've got no idea.

No idea? You're the coach!

This is unbelievable.

Our best player says
he's not motivated

and you have no idea why.

You're a wimp.

Are you forfeiting the game
to the Catalonians?

- Me forfeit the game?
- Yeah, you. To the Catalonians.

Look, Alegre,
what gives you the right?

With all I've done for this team!

Waiter, please. Waiter!

You do it like this. See?
There you go.

- They know.
- Know what?

About us. They all know.

I'm starting to lose my patience.

- We have to win.
- Who? You?

If we lose,
they'll think I did it for you.

You're out of your tree.

I'm begging you. Help me.

- To what? Win?
- Edu...

Trust me, I'm his father.

I'll keep Oriol under control.

I control the business,
the cava production,

the wages.
I'm Catalonian, I control...

Goal to Bar�a!

Goal!!

Cava! Cava for everyone!
It's on me!

Let them say Catalonians are tight.

Dad?

In here.

Dad, the taxi's here.

And they just scored a goal
against us.

I just passed a stone.

Ra�l passes to Van Nistelrooy.

...he's alone and it's High Noon
like Gary Cooper...

...the ball for Guti...
Guti with the ball for Higua�n,

Higua�n passes.
Watch the striker and. goal!

Goal! Goal!

It's a goal, Dad, yes.

That's enough, Dad.
Shall we go back?

- Back home?
- Back to the team.

The team? The team?

Look me in the eye.

From now on,
everything will be great, son.

Didn't you see it?

Are you Catalonians sore losers?

- Are you blind?
- Ah, sit down.

Look at this.

It's alright, man.

Take it easy!
Take it easy!

They're back.

Look at him.

They're going to spill it all.

You talk to your boss,
I'll talk to mine.

Calm down!

You trash! Latin King.

- Hi. How are you?
- Who are you?

Your sales leader
for the rest of Spain.

From before. Remember?

The lads had a scuffle,
but check this out.

What an atmosphere.

Xavier, your son!
See if you can control this!

- What's going on?
- I'll smash your face!

Sara, where are you going?

In the face!

Don't you touch my son's face!

Listen to me...

- Let me go!
- You're not touching my son!

What's got into your boys?

Are you nuts?

Some respectable Spanish families

are destroying
the Princess Letizia Room.

We're on it. Thanks.

Carla?

Where's Fernando?

Hey, that's my bag!

Rosa, Rosa...

Amateur.

Sign the cancellation paper,
both of you.

We'll see if the federation decides...

on a game to sort out
the final or not.

Well, gentlemen,
I'm going to get changed.

I guess since we'll have
no more games to play

or teams to train,
you and I are through, right?

I guess.

Right... I understand.

The quicker the better.
Goodbye, Pepe.

Goodbye, Edu.

Good luck to you.

Are you okay?

What a shame.
Now we need a bath.

Incredible, she's just a girl.

By her behaviour
I'd say she's a seasoned criminal.

Where was this altercation?

By the way,
you look like a woman

with a lot of experience too.

This has to be reported
at the station.

Shouldn't you come up
and look for prints?

Remember the Works of Mercy?

"Comfort the sorrowful,
ransom the captive, clothe the naked"?

Watch it!

Look out.

That's it, right? Then let's go.

I'll go get Rodrigo.

I got sandwiches for everyone.

I'll get Elton.

- Maribel, I...
- Me too.

I can't get it out of my head.

Neither can I.

- What do we do?
- I love my husband, Carlos.

I know, but it was...

so intense that...

It was great.

Can I see you?

Yes. Tuesdays at 7
I do my chakra at the gym.

At 7.

Elton!

Can I drive for a while?

- Ask the bus driver.
- The bus?

- You're going back on the bus.
- Me?

- Yes, you.
- Why?

For the same reason you'll be going
to boarding school

and I'll be seeing a psychiatrist.

Here. You'll make
great horror movies.

Off you go.

Forget that girl, son.

She stole his bag.
She was a ding-a-ling.

Don't let her steal your heart too.

Dad! Dad!

Tell Mum I'll be late for dinner.
I have to file a report.

Rosa, you're dynamite!

If you're in Madrid, call me!

FERNANDO PALACIOS,
MARRIED, 3 CHILDREN.

FERNANDO PALACIOS,
MARRIED, 3 CHILDREN.
Dynamite!

FINANCIAL ADVISOR,
SPANISH EPISCOPAL CONFERENCE

AUTHOR OF THE BEST-SELLING
SELF-HELP BOOK

AUTHOR OF THE BEST-SELLING
SELF-HELP BOOK
Call me.

Call me.

"IF JESUS LOVES YOU, SO DO l"
Call me.

"IF JESUS LOVES YOU, SO DO l"

Willy...

- Do you want a Coca-Cola?
- No.

Can I buy you a coffee?

That might not be good for you.
You saw that I'm trouble.

- Who isn't?
- I'm a lot of trouble.

Just one coffee.

But after this coffee,
maybe you get me another,

then maybe another and...

I'd better tell you...

I'm violent and I have a phobia
about physical relationships.

I'm unemployed now,

I wrote off my brother's car...

and I have kidney stones.

Well... maybe a tea.

Sure.

- Can I get a lift?
- Where to?

- Wherever you're going.
- Are you Italian?

From Monaco.

- What sign are you?
- Scorpio.

Get in.

It's Carla.

She says she's 21
and married to a Romanian.

I'm an idiot.

Yes. Like most men.

How can I stop being an idiot?

By being a woman, sweetie.

And old.

But I'm not sure it's worth it.

What's the world's biggest condom?

Bernabeu, because every Sunday
it has 80,000 dicks in it.

Have you heard about
the lady who hated football

and lived in the city

and every time the local team won

thousands celebrated
under her balcony,

drunk, shouting, burning bins

and pissing in her doorway?

The desperate lady sent letters

to the council, the ombudsman,
she rang the police

and wrote to the President.

They all said the same thing:
"We can't do a thing.

Football is a sport of the masses

and whoever doesn't get that
has no place in this world."

She bought some footballs,

ate them up and died, stuffed.

When she got to Hell they asked her,

"Why did you commit suicide?
Didn't you like Earth?"

She replied, "Not much.

There are too many balls."

RIVALS

Translation: Lindsay Moxham

Subtitles by LeapinLar