All language subtitles for family.guy.s17e20.720p.web.x264-tbs

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man
who positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy!

Family Guy is filmed
before a live studio audience.

That's Carol,

Lois' sister who was married
to Mayor West,

- but now he's dead.
- I love you, Carol!

We're glad you could come over
for dinner tonight, Carol.

Thank you for having me.

I've been having such a hard
time since Adam passed away.

Aw...

I want to squeeze your butt
and then take your pants down

and look at your butt!

We still can't believe he's gone.

He was such a great mayor,
and a great uncle to the kids.

Wait, Uncle Adam is dead?

Yeesh. How many people
has this show killed?

- Yeah, we're all gonna miss...
- Hey, don't touch me, man!

I'm leaving. I know-I know
what I did. I'm leaving.

Yeah, we're all gonna miss Mayor West.

You know what'll make you
feel better, Aunt Carol?

Doing an Indian guy.

Meg, stop eating with the serving spoon.

Nah.

I just wish there was
some way we could honor

Adam's memory here in town.

You know what we should do?

We should rename the high school
for Mayor West.

What, you mean change it
from James Woods High?

Yeah. James Woods
is an embarrassment to Quahog.

He's a political troll
and a maniac on Twitter.

I think that's a great idea, Brian.

You should meet with Principal Shepherd

and suggest it.

Awesome. And while you do that,

I'll make a special video
dedication reminding people

of how great Mayor West was.

Oceans apart

Day after day

And I slowly go insane

I hear your voice

On the line

But it doesn't stop

The pain

If I see you

Next to never

How can we

Say forever

Wherever you go

Whatever you do

I will be

Right here waiting for you...

So, you'd like to rename the school?

Yes. To Adam West High.

Well, you're a talking dog... you
probably know what you're doing.

Let's do it.

Damn it!

The only thing that's left to do now

is for you to pay the normal
$1,000 principal meeting fee.

What?! Wait a minute.

Do you have a gambling problem?

Me? I don't have a gambling problem.

Points! Just score points!

I don't care who.

Principal Shepherd,
someone named Eddie Payups

is here to see you.

Tell him I need one minute.

Anyway, great idea.
We'll have a ceremony

to change the name
of the school this week.

What's the score of that game right now?

It's, uh, 85-75.

Ugh! Not enough.

Wow, we did it.

We changed the name of the school.

Well, you know, it was
the right thing to do, Brian.

Like when I had to give bad news
to that improv team.

I called you here to tell you
that you're all 45 years old.

Go home and be with your children.

Thank you, everybody, for coming today

as we honor one
of Quahog's finest citizens,

Mayor Adam West.

We will start today's ceremony

with the traditional
21-cat launcher salute

to honor our wacky but beloved mayor.

Ready! Aim!

Meow!

Beautiful. Now, to unveil our new sign,

we've invited HGTV's
Chip and Joanna Gaines,

who are here to prove that their
show didn't ruin their marriage.

All right, Quahog,
are you ready to see your new sign?

Yeah!

Oh, a-are we going that way?

I don't know, Joanna.
What direction are we going?

♪

Uh-oh.

Thank you. Uh, please, uh, stick around

for refreshments and snacks
in the gymnasium.

Go, go, Principal Coffee Breath!

Looking for someone?

I like this episode.

♪

- Brian, wait.
- Oh, hey, Carol.

Do you need me to walk you to your car

in case the studio audience guy
shows up?

No, he killed himself
in my downstairs shower.

Oh, good. That's good.

I just wanted to thank you
for what you did today for Adam.

He was a great man.

You know, I see a lot of him in you.

Oh, no. Are we gonna kiss?

- We're gonna kiss, aren't we?
- I came here to say

that what you did was very honorable.

It showed real leadership,

and I think you should be
the next mayor of Quahog.

Ah, damn it!

Oh, I couldn't do that.

I don't know anything about politics.

Although crazier things have happened.

Harry Truman didn't have any experience.

Of course he did. He was vice president,

and before that,
a United States senator.

Oh, word?

Brian, is this gonna be
a politics episode?

I-I think it might be.

No one likes those.

So, Carol was just going on and
on about how I should be mayor.

And it's got me thinking,
it is an interesting idea.

- You think I should do it?
- Absolutely not.

- I mean, if not me, who?
- Anyone.

- If not now, when?
- Never.

- You know, why not me?
- A million reasons.

I mean, who do you want in there,

- some career politician?
- Yes.

- What are they gonna do?
- Govern.

Thanks, Stewie.
Your support means a lot.

- You don't have it.
- You know what? I'm gonna do it.

Guys, I have an announcement.

- I'm gonna run for mayor.
- That's a terrible idea.

You idiot, Brian. Meg, fart on Brian.

I can't.
I don't have one in the chamber.

The one time I give you
a chance, you're not ready.

Chris, tag him for Meg.

See that kid? He's a gamer.

Great job, Chris.
Now, go hit the showers.

Meg, you miss 100%
of the farts you don't take.

That kid's going places.
He's going all the way.

If only they knew.

That's my boy!

Welcome back, Quahog. And now it's time

for a new segment on our show
called "On the Same Sofa,"

in which a guest and I
have a conversation

while sitting on the same sofa.

My guest tonight is mayoral
candidate Brian Griffin.

- Thank you for coming, Brian.
- Pleasure, Tom.

And thank you for allowing me
up on the furniture.

- I don't always get to do that.
- Oh, word?

Now, I understand
you're running unopposed.

That gives you a bit
of an advantage, doesn't it?

Well, Tom, I welcome a challenger.

Not the one that exploded, but, um...

That's probably gonna get me
in trouble right there.

Good thing I'm running unopposed.

Well, we've now reached
the middle of the interview,

where I ask the guest,
"How's the sofa so far?"

So, Brian, how's the sofa so far?

So far, so-so.

I see. Sophie?

So far we've got a so-so sofa.

Great. Okay, Tom, we go live in three,

- two...
- What? None of that aired?

It's all right, we can recreate it.

And you're on.

So, Brian, I understand
you like eating your own poop.

What's that about?

Argh. Turn that off.

I can't believe we're
gonna have a dog for mayor.

We're gonna be the laughingstock
of the whole country.

Even Sean Hannity's talking about us.

He's a weird-looking guy.

- Put up a picture of Sean Hannity.
- Can we do that?

Yeah, Tosh does it
all the time. Put it up.

Yeah, he does look weird.

Yeah. Who does he look like?

I'm seeing Mr. Doubtfire.

High-sodium Superman?

He looks like an angry
face drawn on a thumb.

The richest guy at Rite Aid?

Or the mayor who won't close

the beaches in Jaws.

Wreck-It Ralph at a job interview.

You know that's a guy

who's roughly led his wife
out of parties by the elbow.

A guy whose ice cream
parlor just went broke.

He looks like a handsome Weeble.

Or a hot Frankenstein.

Yeah, but either way,
he's that Little League coach

the parents hope their kids don't get.

He looks like a fish that
inflates to scare predators.

The inside trader who kills himself

the day his prison
sentence is supposed to start.

I'm thinking Fred and Barney's son.

Trust me on this.
Strip club lunch regular.

I feel like that's a dad

who's ripped his kid's posters
off the wall.

And sleeps in
pajamas buttoned to the top.

72-ounce steak contest entrant.

Drowned-in-the-lake-
last-month Colin Farrell.

All right, that was fun.

Hey, let's do Matthew Perry. I'll start.

He looks like a pelican

trying to swallow a fish that's too big.

Barn owl in human skin.

He looks like he told a genie

- he wished to be a pool noodle.
- Hey, guys?

Friends brings me a lot of joy,
so can we stop this?

Hail to the dog

Every tree in town is mine now

Open the window

I'm gonna bite the air.

What's this?

Well, looks like stolen property
and vandalism, for starters.

Uh, can you hang on?
I'm finishing a phone interview.

And that's why I would never joke

about the Space Shuttle
Challenger tragedy.

I can't believe I said that twice.

Now, how can I help you, Brian?

Why are you doing this?
Why are you running for mayor?

Uh, let me think.
Oh, yeah. Out of spite.

Spite for you.

That's not a reason
to get into politics.

It's the only reason
to get into politics.

Well, you're just wasting your time,
because you're not gonna win.

I don't know about that.

You seem pretty afraid.

The only thing I'm afraid of

are fire truck sirens
and things that look like faces.

Fine. See you at the debate.

Fine!

- What are you gonna wear?
- I don't know.

I was thinking, like, a
collared shirt, jacket, no tie.

- Yeah, yeah, no tie.
- Yeah, definitely no tie.

That son of a bitch.

Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker, and I will be

your moderator
for tonight's mayoral debate.

Not because I want to,
but because it counts

as community service
for open-hand smacking

an Uber Eats guy.

Let's meet our candidates.

First, the impeccably-dressed
Glenn Quagmire.

- Thank you, Tom.
- Is that a Windsor knot?

Double Windsor, Tom.

Excellent. Some might describe

that tie as "mayoral."

Next up, we have
super-caj Brian Griffin.

I was gonna wear a tie.
He told me not to.

He's already losing,
and it hasn't started yet.

First question: as candidates for mayor,

how do I put my apps into a folder?

I know how to get them shaky,

I just can't get them in a folder.

You just drag them into each other.

But you know what else is shaky?

My opponent's economic plan.

It's irresponsible for the town
to get two credit cards

and just swap the balance
back and forth each month.

But-but the town would get miles.

Whoa, so I can just name
the folder whatever I want?

"Tom's Stuff."

Okay, Tom, we go live in three, two...

Good evening, Quahog, and
welcome to your mayoral debate.

What the... None of that aired?
I was totally winning.

That's okay, we'll recreate it.

Now, Mr. Quagmire,
you're a dirty sex fiend.

Why would you wear a tie
to a casual debate?

Good question, Tom.

And I'll answer that
with one word: pizza!

Damn it, he burned me twice.

And, you're not gonna, like,
bring pizza for everyone, right?

No, it's a debate.
They'll have food there.

Right, they' have food there.
Okay, so, no tie, no pizza.

I'll see you there.

Open the door, Quagmire.

Hey, Brian. I was just
emptying my bus garbage.

Would you like to eat it first?

What's the catch?

God, you're a dumb beast.

Come on in.

- Have a seat, Brian.
- I'm fine standing, thank you.

Let's cut the crap. The only
reason you're running is...

to make me look ridiculous.

And I am not just some idiot

to be laughed at
and not taken seriously.

Ha! Sit down, Snoopy.

What did you say?

I said, "Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog."

You son of a bitch!

You idiot! He's allergic
to getting hit in the head!

♪

♪

Oh, my God, we're gonna die!

Calm down, Brian. This bus has OnStar.

OnStar roadside assistance.

Yes, our bus went over a cliff.
We need help.

Glenn?

I-Is this Glenn Quagmire?

Yes, sweetheart. Hi, who's this?

It's Melissa. From the Ramada Inn.

Oh.

The Framingham Ramada Inn
or the Cranston Ramada Inn?

Cranston.

Oh, yeah, we're gonna die.

I think my leg is broken.

Oh, my God, how are we gonna
get down from here?

- You think he's dead?
- I don't know.

Hey. Hey, buddy?

- What's his name?
- Uh, it's something Spanishy.

I-I think it starts with a "G"?

G-Gerr, G-Ga, Goo...

Goo, Goo-gar... Goo-gardo.
G... Yeah, that's it, Googardo.

That doesn't sound like any name.

Well, sure it does. Googardo?

Say something if you're okay, Googardo.

The more you say it, the more
it doesn't sound like anything.

Googardo? Move something
if you're alive, Googardo.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, look, there's his jacket.

Oh, yeah, his name was Frank.

I can't believe this. I'm gonna
die with Glenn Quagmire.

Hey, dying with Glenn Quagmire
was good enough for Googardo.

Vaya con Dios, Googy.

Please don't use the familiar form

of a guy's name you never knew.

What was I thinking getting
on this bus with you?

It was dumber than when Peter
hired that raccoon accountant.

All right, well, you're the money guy.

Let's put it all in
to slightly-open trash cans.

You have anything to eat in here?

Yeah, there's some edible underwear

in that bag over there.

Ugh, isn't there anything else?

I have a ball of peanut butter
with a pill inside.

Hmm, wish you hadn't told me
about the pill.

You know, this underwear's not bad.

Are they for your political groupies?

No, these-these are men's.

They're-they're mine.

Quagmire, why did you
even want to be mayor?

Honestly? I just want
a street named after me.

I think that's kind of cool.

Actually, that is kind of cool.

Why did you want to be mayor?

Mayor West told me he went
to 65 pancake breakfasts a year.

That number... That-that stuck with mat

What, like, the...
like, the pancakes were free?

- Yeah.
- 65.

That-That's, like, pancakes
every Saturday morning

and probably some Sundays.

And sometimes it's, like,
kids making the pancakes,

and-and you get these mondo huge ones.

Wow.

Probably no
chocolate chip pancakes, though.

Are you kidding me?
65 a year, you're gonna get

at least eight to ten
chocolate chip pancake events.

- You think eight to ten?
- Yes.

And now that I say it out loud,
eight to ten sounds low.

So, pancakes is why
you wanted to be mayor?

Well, pancakes and...
look at the people in our town.

- Who else is gonna do it?
- I know.

This is such a garbage town.

You know, when you think about it,

we're really
the only two viable candidates.

I mean, you're a pilot.

You're responsible for people's lives.

You make quick decisions.

Or the machinery in the plane
makes quick decisions.

M-My point is, you're a smart guy.

Thank you.

And now you say something nice about me.

- Like what?
- Like I'm good company,

and I'm smart and funny,

and I'm invited
to all your pool parties.

And I should just come over
if I hear one of them going on.

No, thank you.

But... but you have to.

I'm not gonna say something I don't mean

just because your ego needs to hear it.

See? That's why I ran against you.

Because I know that's the only
reason you were doing this.

You're a complete tool!

You do sound like kind of a tool.

See? Even Melissa from OnStar
thinks you're a tool.

You've been listening this whole time?

There's nothing to do at OnStar.

People have iPhones now.

I just listen in to cars.
Sometimes there's sex.

Screw this. We just got
to get out of this bus.

Regardless of what we think
of each other,

this is no way for us to die.

I'm gonna try and climb up to the street

- and see if I can get help.
- Just be careful.

I don't know how stable this thing is.

Oh, my God.
You just got hit in the throat

with a gentleman's dildo.

- Hey, Melissa.
- What? What happened?

He got hit in the throat
with a gentleman's dildo.

See,

this is why I listen.

♪

♪

Mayor West?

Hey, guys. Don't mind me.

I'm gonna go steal
that bus driver's identity.

The Celtics are free money tonight!

Well, Lois, you almost had
a female president.

I almost had a dog mayor.

I can't believe
they canceled the election

after they thought Brian
and Mr. Quagmire were dead.

Does that mean we still need a mayor?

It sure does, America.

Who do you think should be
the next mayor of Quahog.

Register your votes
at fox.com/family-guy.

Your votes don't count. It's a trick.

- They're just tracking your data.
- No, it's not. No, it's not.

Is Mr. Quagmire okay after the accident?

Yeah, he's fine. He's having one
of his private pool parties.

Hey, girls. Thanks for coming.

Is your voice still broken
from the accident?

No, no, I-I'm just trying to be quiet.

Grab yourself a drink.

I'm gonna have some chips first.

No, no, no!

Is that a pool party I hear?

Cannonball!

And that was the moment I remembered...

Quagmire doesn't have a swimming pool.

I want to be a mayor

in real life.

So I'm here to ask you

to make me the mayor of your town.

Vote for me, Adam West.

It'll be a home run.

Ugh.

It'll be a home run.

Pow!

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