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1
00:00:00,327 --> 00:00:03,540
I just found out that math
was created by Muslims.
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00:00:03,541 --> 00:00:05,848
Math teachers are terrorists!
3
00:00:05,849 --> 00:00:07,481
SELINA: How about for once in your life,
4
00:00:07,482 --> 00:00:09,727
you stop complaining and just man up.
5
00:00:09,728 --> 00:00:11,385
(applause)
6
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:13,872
I've decided to suspend my campaign
7
00:00:13,874 --> 00:00:15,808
for President of the United States.
8
00:00:15,809 --> 00:00:19,246
That bastard Ballentine caught
shingles from Typhoid Jonah.
9
00:00:19,248 --> 00:00:21,206
That makes you the governor of Iowa!
10
00:00:21,207 --> 00:00:22,247
- AMY: Ma'am.
- SELINA: What?
11
00:00:22,248 --> 00:00:24,164
You are not going to believe it.
12
00:00:24,165 --> 00:00:26,206
Tom James is fucking Michelle.
13
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You can have Tibet.
14
00:00:28,413 --> 00:00:29,413
What?
15
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:31,164
MEYER: What's going on here?
16
00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:33,998
I thought nobody gave
two Osama bin Shits
17
00:00:33,999 --> 00:00:35,498
about the drone strike.
18
00:00:35,499 --> 00:00:37,164
This is about killing elephants.
19
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Is this gonna affect
my numbers, you think?
20
00:00:39,165 --> 00:00:40,411
Yes.
21
00:00:46,123 --> 00:00:48,998
- (gavel striking)
- MAN: OK!
22
00:00:48,999 --> 00:00:52,498
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
the final votes for tonight.
23
00:00:52,499 --> 00:00:54,706
Governor Calhoun, 420.
24
00:00:54,707 --> 00:00:57,873
Congressman Ryan, 453.
25
00:00:57,874 --> 00:01:02,414
Senator Talbot, 1,785.
26
00:01:02,415 --> 00:01:04,456
- Boo!
- President Meyer,
27
00:01:04,457 --> 00:01:06,539
1,817.
28
00:01:06,540 --> 00:01:09,039
No candidate has secured a...
29
00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:12,206
delegate majority of 2,368,
30
00:01:12,207 --> 00:01:14,206
so we have no nominee.
31
00:01:14,207 --> 00:01:15,873
- Did we win?
- Oh, yeah.
32
00:01:15,874 --> 00:01:18,164
I'm the president, and
you're the first lady.
33
00:01:18,165 --> 00:01:19,706
Oh, we would crush it.
34
00:01:19,707 --> 00:01:21,498
And it seems we have ourselves
35
00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:23,498
a deadlocked convention,
36
00:01:23,499 --> 00:01:25,445
the first since 1952.
37
00:01:25,446 --> 00:01:28,044
Senator Talbot has indeed
made a miraculous comeback.
38
00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:30,334
You know, it's worse having
to hear it from Mike.
39
00:01:30,335 --> 00:01:33,004
Furlong wants to see all the
candidates for a late-night pow-wow.
40
00:01:33,005 --> 00:01:35,211
- No offense, Marjorie.
- Some offense.
41
00:01:35,212 --> 00:01:37,170
Mom, you need to tell the party
42
00:01:37,171 --> 00:01:40,503
that they never should have held
the convention in North Carolina.
43
00:01:40,504 --> 00:01:42,716
Their bathroom bill is
an absolute disgrace.
44
00:01:42,718 --> 00:01:45,336
Guys, who gives a shit
where people shit?
45
00:01:45,337 --> 00:01:47,670
That is literally the point, Mother.
46
00:01:47,671 --> 00:01:48,837
OK, then we agree.
47
00:01:48,838 --> 00:01:50,712
Right? Shut. Up.
48
00:01:50,713 --> 00:01:52,295
SELINA: We have to get in touch
49
00:01:52,296 --> 00:01:53,587
with all the floor whips.
50
00:01:53,588 --> 00:01:55,420
We have to make sure our delegates hold.
51
00:01:55,421 --> 00:01:57,336
- I'll whip the whips.
- You know, the Chinese
52
00:01:57,337 --> 00:02:01,353
are ready to fix this whole damn
election if I can be the nominee.
53
00:02:01,354 --> 00:02:03,253
- Not here. Not hearing this.
- No, that is the plan.
54
00:02:03,254 --> 00:02:07,128
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
55
00:02:07,129 --> 00:02:10,046
(motorcade sirens blare)
56
00:02:13,046 --> 00:02:15,211
- How ya doin' there, John?
- Outstanding, ma'am.
57
00:02:15,212 --> 00:02:18,045
That's my hero. And keep
on getting it out there
58
00:02:18,046 --> 00:02:20,378
that I plan on choosing
Governor DeVito as my veep,
59
00:02:20,379 --> 00:02:22,753
'cause we might get a few
more delegates out of this.
60
00:02:22,754 --> 00:02:24,545
Wounded warrior, Roman Catholic...
61
00:02:24,546 --> 00:02:26,045
Oh, my God, is that still a thing?
62
00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:28,962
Two-time Ohio governor, 18
Electoral College votes.
63
00:02:28,963 --> 00:02:32,628
Most importantly, he has a
penis. Right, Governor?
64
00:02:32,629 --> 00:02:34,336
DEVITO: I'm still with you, ma'am!
65
00:02:34,337 --> 00:02:36,712
Till the end, like we
used to say back in Iraq.
66
00:02:36,713 --> 00:02:39,712
- Might want to double-check that penis.
- BEN: That's Kent's job.
67
00:02:39,713 --> 00:02:43,087
JONAH: Mr. Chairman, I would
just like to point out
68
00:02:43,088 --> 00:02:45,128
that the official count
cannot be trusted.
69
00:02:45,129 --> 00:02:47,045
Oh, no, Beautiful Mindfuck.
70
00:02:47,046 --> 00:02:49,211
You are not gonna
desecrate my convention
71
00:02:49,212 --> 00:02:51,795
with more of this Muslim math nonsense.
72
00:02:51,796 --> 00:02:53,211
How do you explain
73
00:02:53,212 --> 00:02:55,004
that when I add up my delegates
74
00:02:55,005 --> 00:02:57,128
- with Christian math...
- Amen!
75
00:02:57,129 --> 00:02:59,170
The number is quite different
than the official total?
76
00:02:59,171 --> 00:03:00,213
Because you were born
77
00:03:00,215 --> 00:03:01,920
with three umbilical cords
wrapped around your neck,
78
00:03:01,921 --> 00:03:03,920
- Hep C Kevin McHale.
- JONAH: No, I wasn't.
79
00:03:03,921 --> 00:03:06,461
- KEMI: My apologies, Mr. Chairman.
- Madam President.
80
00:03:06,462 --> 00:03:08,211
SELINA: What is Leon doing with her?
81
00:03:08,212 --> 00:03:11,503
Installing cameras in all
her closets and bathrooms.
82
00:03:11,504 --> 00:03:13,712
So, what did I miss? Did
President Meyer find a way
83
00:03:13,713 --> 00:03:16,879
to steal the nomination from me
like she stole South Carolina?
84
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:19,087
Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock
85
00:03:19,088 --> 00:03:21,378
of our political system, Senator.
86
00:03:21,379 --> 00:03:24,587
Well, there it is, that
casual Meyer attitude
87
00:03:24,588 --> 00:03:27,420
towards criminal enterprise,
just like her husband.
88
00:03:27,421 --> 00:03:29,295
- Gary: Ex-husband.
- Step-husband.
89
00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:32,004
If you can't figure out how
to steal South Carolina,
90
00:03:32,005 --> 00:03:33,670
you have no business being president.
91
00:03:33,671 --> 00:03:36,670
- Oh, is that how you feel?
- Yes! Am I right?
92
00:03:36,671 --> 00:03:38,378
- (all talking at once)
- ROGER: Hey! Hey! All right!
93
00:03:38,379 --> 00:03:41,712
Right now, every Sunday
pundit and poli-sci major
94
00:03:41,713 --> 00:03:43,795
is treating this brokered convention
95
00:03:43,796 --> 00:03:45,712
like it's a big-titted college gymnast
96
00:03:45,713 --> 00:03:47,336
whose daddy fucked with her just enough
97
00:03:47,337 --> 00:03:49,879
that she'll do some dirty
shit, but she can still cum.
98
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:52,378
Hittin' a little close
to home there, Roger,
99
00:03:52,379 --> 00:03:54,087
minus the big-titted part.
100
00:03:54,088 --> 00:03:55,879
We've never had a complaint, have we?
101
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:59,461
But if we don't pillow-smother
this sad grandma of a convention
102
00:03:59,462 --> 00:04:01,805
lickity-fuckin'-split, we
are gonna wind up with
103
00:04:01,806 --> 00:04:03,359
four more years of Montez
104
00:04:03,361 --> 00:04:05,628
clogging up the White House
plumbing with tampons.
105
00:04:05,629 --> 00:04:07,628
- That's not a problem for us.
- It's fine.
106
00:04:07,629 --> 00:04:09,503
Tomorrow is the second ballot, OK?
107
00:04:09,504 --> 00:04:12,420
None of these delegates are
bound to any candidate anymore.
108
00:04:12,421 --> 00:04:14,628
So it's time to get out there
and start twisting some arms
109
00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:16,837
and pinching nipples.
And what else, Will?
110
00:04:16,838 --> 00:04:18,962
And may the best man win.
111
00:04:18,963 --> 00:04:22,503
And may the hairiest man zip-tie me
to a slaughterhouse drainage grate
112
00:04:22,504 --> 00:04:25,845
and make tender hate
to my rear and mouth,
113
00:04:25,847 --> 00:04:26,920
in that order, at his leisure.
114
00:04:26,921 --> 00:04:28,170
ROGER: Ha ha! Beautiful.
115
00:04:28,171 --> 00:04:30,336
Well done, pig. Dismissed.
116
00:04:30,337 --> 00:04:32,628
Selina, you got a minute?
117
00:04:32,629 --> 00:04:34,087
Roger, I don't want to hear it.
118
00:04:34,088 --> 00:04:36,837
We need a ticket. Just offer her veep.
119
00:04:36,838 --> 00:04:39,087
You and Kemi scissoring
at the top of the ticket
120
00:04:39,088 --> 00:04:40,753
is gonna make everyone rock hard.
121
00:04:40,754 --> 00:04:42,295
I don't need her. OK?
122
00:04:42,296 --> 00:04:44,253
I've got the diving
bell and the governor.
123
00:04:44,254 --> 00:04:45,587
- Come on.
- Just make the deal!
124
00:04:45,588 --> 00:04:46,879
Or what's gonna happen, Will?
125
00:04:48,004 --> 00:04:50,004
Aw, shit, Will left. It was a good one.
126
00:04:50,005 --> 00:04:51,879
- Sorry to miss that.
- AMY: Ma'am.
127
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:53,670
Oh, God. Go away, Amy. Really.
128
00:04:53,671 --> 00:04:56,253
- Your voice is like a crow.
- But ma'am, I just want to...
129
00:04:56,254 --> 00:05:01,128
No! There is no place for Jonah
Ryan in my administration.
130
00:05:01,129 --> 00:05:05,461
Or anywhere in the universe where the
building blocks of life are present.
131
00:05:05,462 --> 00:05:07,461
OK? I'll be right back.
132
00:05:07,462 --> 00:05:09,712
- Uh, caballeros.
- Caballeros!
133
00:05:09,713 --> 00:05:12,253
- Do you wanna close the thing?
- BEN: Nice try, Amy.
134
00:05:12,254 --> 00:05:14,920
Ben, we've already got Florida,
we've got a butt-load of delegates.
135
00:05:14,921 --> 00:05:17,628
Your offer is as appealing
as a Sriracha enema.
136
00:05:17,629 --> 00:05:19,980
So fuck your offer, and fuck you.
137
00:05:19,981 --> 00:05:22,837
- It's always good to see ya.
- You too. I miss you guys.
138
00:05:22,838 --> 00:05:25,712
- AMY: Keith, you havin' fun?
- KEITH: Yes, thank you.
139
00:05:25,713 --> 00:05:29,253
- (applause, chatter)
- Oh, thank you!
140
00:05:29,254 --> 00:05:31,545
Oh! I hope I can count on your support.
141
00:05:31,546 --> 00:05:32,920
What are they clapping like that for?
142
00:05:32,921 --> 00:05:34,772
Congratulations, ma'am. You just broke
143
00:05:34,773 --> 00:05:36,786
North Carolina's
transgender bathroom law.
144
00:05:36,788 --> 00:05:37,852
SELINA: What?
145
00:05:37,853 --> 00:05:40,375
DAN: I've been fielding media
requests all morning, Richard.
146
00:05:40,376 --> 00:05:42,587
The keynote speech was such a hit.
147
00:05:42,588 --> 00:05:45,753
New York Times? Krugman is
positively creaming his khakis.
148
00:05:45,754 --> 00:05:47,333
Amazing speech last
night, Governor Splett.
149
00:05:47,334 --> 00:05:48,460
DAN: Thank you.
150
00:05:48,462 --> 00:05:49,670
What state are you a delegate from?
151
00:05:49,671 --> 00:05:52,170
- The Ukraine.
- A Wisconsin sister state.
152
00:05:52,171 --> 00:05:53,920
Can I get a photo with you?
153
00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:55,587
- Sure.
- Absolutely not. Thank you, though.
154
00:05:55,588 --> 00:05:56,879
How 'bout I get one of you two?
155
00:05:56,880 --> 00:05:58,503
- Oh, yes.
- No, that's fine.
156
00:05:58,504 --> 00:06:00,420
So sorry your wife couldn't make
the convention, Congressman.
157
00:06:00,421 --> 00:06:02,587
- We have to go.
- Good seeing you. Enjoy the convention.
158
00:06:02,588 --> 00:06:03,920
BEN: Morning, ma'am.
159
00:06:03,921 --> 00:06:05,795
Some disturbing rumblings
from Justice...
160
00:06:05,796 --> 00:06:07,336
Oh, I'm sorry.
161
00:06:07,337 --> 00:06:09,795
What? It's OK, Ben. You've
seen behind the curtain.
162
00:06:09,796 --> 00:06:11,737
My source tells me that
Kemi's been kicking up
163
00:06:11,739 --> 00:06:13,087
some dirt on the Meyer Fund.
164
00:06:13,088 --> 00:06:16,170
- Oh, come... Well, that's Leon.
- I don't know.
165
00:06:16,171 --> 00:06:19,253
Why does everybody get good at
their job after I fire them?
166
00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:21,045
- Lip time. Let's do lips.
- No, no, no.
167
00:06:21,046 --> 00:06:23,753
I want to save the Dubonnet for
when I get the nomination.
168
00:06:23,754 --> 00:06:26,503
OK? 'Cause it's discontinued.
I'm wearing this now.
169
00:06:26,504 --> 00:06:28,295
There's a simple solution for this, OK?
170
00:06:28,296 --> 00:06:30,628
Just ask Kemi to be your veep.
171
00:06:30,629 --> 00:06:32,837
I cannot stand her!
172
00:06:32,838 --> 00:06:35,004
And I don't say that
about a lot of people.
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00:06:35,005 --> 00:06:36,012
GARY: Hmm...
174
00:06:36,014 --> 00:06:37,962
Plus, she called me a
criminal last night.
175
00:06:37,963 --> 00:06:40,336
Kent and I were up all
night doing the numbers...
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00:06:40,337 --> 00:06:43,753
In the words of the great
Eleanor Roosevelt,
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00:06:43,754 --> 00:06:46,670
I would rather cheese-grater my clit.
178
00:06:46,671 --> 00:06:48,795
- So we'll put a pin in that.
- That too.
179
00:06:48,796 --> 00:06:51,336
Morning. Mom, you're a
regular bathroom warrior.
180
00:06:51,337 --> 00:06:53,211
- Oh, really?
- We're very proud of you
181
00:06:53,212 --> 00:06:55,004
for standing up for the trans community.
182
00:06:55,005 --> 00:06:57,336
Well, thank you, Peppermint Patty,
183
00:06:57,337 --> 00:06:58,795
but you're not a...
184
00:06:58,796 --> 00:07:01,087
Oh, no, ma'am. I'm a cis woman.
185
00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:03,205
I mean, that's not a
crazy question to ask.
186
00:07:03,207 --> 00:07:04,319
Not at all.
187
00:07:04,320 --> 00:07:08,087
You and your gay pals can
make me the Grand Marshal
188
00:07:08,088 --> 00:07:11,295
of the next parade that you have
that messes up all the traffic.
189
00:07:11,296 --> 00:07:14,170
Actually, ma'am, it's a myth
that lesbians and gay men
190
00:07:14,171 --> 00:07:15,545
have any natural affinity.
191
00:07:15,546 --> 00:07:17,587
As a matter of fact, Gertrude Stein
192
00:07:17,588 --> 00:07:19,587
was physically disgusted
by male homosexuals.
193
00:07:19,588 --> 00:07:20,890
- Excuse me?
- How'd she feel
194
00:07:20,892 --> 00:07:23,420
- about tedious lesbians?
- Big fan, ma'am.
195
00:07:26,879 --> 00:07:29,795
So how's the Piss Heard Round the World
196
00:07:29,796 --> 00:07:31,378
playing with all the delegates?
197
00:07:31,379 --> 00:07:34,545
The NYPD found a van full of
explosives at Kennedy Airport.
198
00:07:34,546 --> 00:07:36,545
This is why everyone
should just fly private.
199
00:07:36,546 --> 00:07:38,628
You've been completely knocked
out of the news cycle.
200
00:07:38,629 --> 00:07:40,753
- SELINA: Oh, God.
- Ma'am, Governor DeVito
201
00:07:40,754 --> 00:07:42,670
is here to speak with
you about his speech.
202
00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:45,503
OK, great! Ha ha ha. John-boy!
203
00:07:45,504 --> 00:07:47,712
- KEITH: Ah.
- Johnny?
204
00:07:47,713 --> 00:07:48,963
Hmm.
205
00:07:50,088 --> 00:07:52,004
Is he... Ah!
206
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,503
And there he is!
207
00:07:53,504 --> 00:07:55,712
- Governor DeVito.
- Yes. My running mate.
208
00:07:55,713 --> 00:07:57,712
Well, not literally, of course but...
209
00:07:57,713 --> 00:08:00,295
Did you get a chance to
review my nominating speech?
210
00:08:00,296 --> 00:08:03,894
I did, and I have to tell you
SOMETHING: it is a delight.
211
00:08:03,895 --> 00:08:06,378
- I wouldn't change a word. Right, Ben?
- Awesome. Absolutely.
212
00:08:06,379 --> 00:08:09,336
So I'm gonna actually talk
to Kent about some numbers.
213
00:08:09,337 --> 00:08:11,004
- Kent.
- The president, she loved your speech.
214
00:08:11,005 --> 00:08:14,087
Especially the line "There
are really three Americas."
215
00:08:14,088 --> 00:08:15,628
I'm so glad you responded to that.
216
00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:17,545
She's gonna use that in her speech.
217
00:08:17,546 --> 00:08:19,211
Pretend to talk to me about numbers.
218
00:08:19,212 --> 00:08:21,587
The most compelling number to
me is not a number at all,
219
00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:23,503
- it's a concept.
- I said pretend, OK?
220
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,962
I was pretending. My favorite
number is Euler's number.
221
00:08:25,963 --> 00:08:27,445
She's also gonna take the line
222
00:08:27,447 --> 00:08:29,545
"No matter what, I will
always stand for America."
223
00:08:29,546 --> 00:08:31,879
- That's a reference to my leg.
- She'll tweak it.
224
00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,336
So are we good, then? Everything cool?
225
00:08:33,337 --> 00:08:35,045
- BEN: Great. All set.
- OK. Fantastic.
226
00:08:35,046 --> 00:08:36,420
Thank you so much for coming.
227
00:08:36,421 --> 00:08:39,545
Really. Honestly. Bye-bye. Take care.
228
00:08:39,546 --> 00:08:41,170
(DeVito grunting)
229
00:08:41,171 --> 00:08:42,838
SELINA: So good seein' ya.
230
00:08:44,129 --> 00:08:45,378
Take good care.
231
00:08:45,379 --> 00:08:47,628
- DEVITO: Madam President.
- Yeah, yeah.
232
00:08:47,629 --> 00:08:49,378
We're still good on
the veep slot, right?
233
00:08:49,379 --> 00:08:51,420
Oh, yeah, hundred percent.
You're my veep.
234
00:08:51,421 --> 00:08:53,795
- All right.
- Great.
235
00:08:53,796 --> 00:08:56,087
- (Keith chuckling)
- See you soon.
236
00:08:56,088 --> 00:08:57,628
(crowd cheering in distance)
237
00:08:57,629 --> 00:09:01,211
I want to offer Buddy Calhoun veep.
238
00:09:01,212 --> 00:09:02,670
- OK.
- 'Cause with his delegates
239
00:09:02,671 --> 00:09:04,587
and all that Bible-y B.S.,
240
00:09:04,588 --> 00:09:06,461
the rest of the delegates'll
have to fall in line,
241
00:09:06,462 --> 00:09:09,670
and Kemi can go and suck
lecture-circuit dick in hell.
242
00:09:09,671 --> 00:09:11,503
And by "hell," I mean
The Kennedy School.
243
00:09:11,504 --> 00:09:12,837
- Hey, ma'am.
- Yeah.
244
00:09:12,838 --> 00:09:14,420
The floor whips are picking up a rumor
245
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:16,461
that Buddy is flirting
with endorsing Kemi.
246
00:09:16,462 --> 00:09:18,336
Oh, please. Buddy's not
flirting with anything
247
00:09:18,337 --> 00:09:20,545
that's not wearing a leather
vest and a Nazi cap.
248
00:09:20,546 --> 00:09:21,676
Hey, guys.
249
00:09:21,678 --> 00:09:24,420
God created men's rooms
and women's rooms,
250
00:09:24,421 --> 00:09:26,087
not "everyone rooms." (chuckles)
251
00:09:26,088 --> 00:09:28,211
I don't think Buddy's gonna
be taking your veep slot.
252
00:09:28,212 --> 00:09:29,879
BUDDY: I don't want
to go into a bathroom
253
00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:31,045
and be next to a woman
254
00:09:31,046 --> 00:09:32,461
who is looking at my genitals.
255
00:09:32,462 --> 00:09:34,795
I want that person that I'm next to
256
00:09:34,796 --> 00:09:37,128
to be a man, or, better
yet, lots of men.
257
00:09:37,129 --> 00:09:39,253
Glory, glory, hole-ellelujah.
258
00:09:39,254 --> 00:09:42,128
Ma'am, if Governor Calhoun is
joining forces with Kemi...
259
00:09:42,129 --> 00:09:43,920
- We've gotta call Kemi right away.
- No!
260
00:09:43,921 --> 00:09:46,795
Not her! We're gonna call Amy, um...
261
00:09:46,796 --> 00:09:48,461
- GARY: Brookheimer.
- Brookheimer.
262
00:09:48,462 --> 00:09:50,837
JONAH: What are you guys doing here?
263
00:09:50,838 --> 00:09:52,962
You here to see me get
interviewed by Mike on CBS News?
264
00:09:52,963 --> 00:09:55,004
I wish, but I'm in a bit of a rush.
265
00:09:55,005 --> 00:09:57,170
I've gotta go be interviewed
by Mike on CBS.
266
00:09:57,171 --> 00:09:58,628
Guess that means you've been bumped.
267
00:09:58,629 --> 00:10:00,211
Although ABC News is doing a piece
268
00:10:00,212 --> 00:10:02,712
on presidential also-rans who can
almost suck their own dicks.
269
00:10:02,713 --> 00:10:04,670
So while you're in makeup, why
don't you go talk to them?
270
00:10:04,671 --> 00:10:06,170
Ohh. Like you've never tried.
271
00:10:06,171 --> 00:10:07,232
I'm probably gonna need that mic.
272
00:10:07,233 --> 00:10:08,378
You came to the convention
273
00:10:08,379 --> 00:10:10,378
as Governor Richard Splett of Iowa,
274
00:10:10,379 --> 00:10:13,461
but after your electrifying
speech just two nights ago,
275
00:10:13,462 --> 00:10:16,795
party insiders are calling you Richard
Splett, "future of the party."
276
00:10:16,796 --> 00:10:18,712
Honestly, I'm glad that what
I said resonated with folks.
277
00:10:18,713 --> 00:10:21,795
Plus, it gave me a chance
to break out my ASL skills.
278
00:10:21,796 --> 00:10:25,503
You know, for the deaf
American delegates.
279
00:10:25,504 --> 00:10:27,879
Yeah. All right, let's
talk turkey, Governor.
280
00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,045
- Wonderful pets.
- What about all these rumors
281
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:32,253
that Senator Talbot is talking to you
282
00:10:32,254 --> 00:10:34,545
about a position in her administration?
283
00:10:34,546 --> 00:10:36,004
When you listen to rumors,
284
00:10:36,005 --> 00:10:37,837
you rue more than...
285
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:39,587
Nope. I don't know where
I was going with that.
286
00:10:39,588 --> 00:10:41,212
Works in sign language.
287
00:10:42,337 --> 00:10:44,378
Very cagey. Jane, back to you.
288
00:10:44,379 --> 00:10:46,128
- STAGEHAND: All clear!
- Thanks for having me.
289
00:10:46,129 --> 00:10:47,795
Richard, that was fantastic.
290
00:10:47,796 --> 00:10:49,503
Us Weekly wants to do a piece on you:
291
00:10:49,504 --> 00:10:51,378
25 Things That No One Knows About You.
292
00:10:51,379 --> 00:10:52,962
Well, number one is, I love lists.
293
00:10:52,963 --> 00:10:54,378
- Oh, Dan!
- Oh, hey, man.
294
00:10:54,379 --> 00:10:57,253
What kind of suit is that?
Hugo Boss? (snorts)
295
00:10:57,254 --> 00:11:01,045
- What's wrong with this suit?
- It's not network.
296
00:11:01,046 --> 00:11:02,795
FEMALE SPEAKER: Hello, fellow Americans!
297
00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:05,211
- Ma'am. You wanted to see me?
- SELINA: Ben. Move.
298
00:11:05,212 --> 00:11:08,336
Amy, we've been working
together a really long time,
299
00:11:08,337 --> 00:11:10,962
it just occurred to me, and
you've always been like...
300
00:11:10,963 --> 00:11:12,712
- Daughter?
- ...a sister to me.
301
00:11:12,713 --> 00:11:13,962
More like a childless aunt.
302
00:11:13,963 --> 00:11:15,628
I just thought for old times' sake
303
00:11:15,629 --> 00:11:17,004
I might throw you a bone.
304
00:11:17,005 --> 00:11:20,587
Have Jonah instruct his
delegates of Dr. Moreau
305
00:11:20,588 --> 00:11:23,753
to back me on the second ballot tonight,
306
00:11:23,754 --> 00:11:27,045
and we might be able to find
something for him at...
307
00:11:27,046 --> 00:11:31,920
Ben? Where can he do the
least amount of harm?
308
00:11:31,921 --> 00:11:33,295
EPA.
309
00:11:33,296 --> 00:11:34,628
Perfect.
310
00:11:34,629 --> 00:11:36,796
(laughing)
311
00:11:38,129 --> 00:11:40,128
- What is happening?
- (cackling)
312
00:11:40,129 --> 00:11:42,628
- Was she always like this?
- Oh, it used to be worse.
313
00:11:42,629 --> 00:11:44,170
You haven't heard.
314
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:45,420
I haven't heard what, Amy?
315
00:11:45,421 --> 00:11:47,045
BEN: Oh, shit.
316
00:11:47,046 --> 00:11:49,920
The suspect in the JFK bombing
317
00:11:49,921 --> 00:11:52,170
is one Mr. Abdul Azeem,
318
00:11:52,171 --> 00:11:54,087
a high school mathematics teacher
319
00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:56,920
whose Facebook page is
all about radical Islam
320
00:11:56,921 --> 00:12:00,087
- and trigonometry.
- KENT: So are a lot of people's.
321
00:12:00,088 --> 00:12:01,587
SELINA: Move. Move!
322
00:12:01,588 --> 00:12:02,962
...Azeem teaches seventh grade algebra
323
00:12:02,963 --> 00:12:04,545
and eighth grade trigonometry...
324
00:12:04,546 --> 00:12:07,295
Jonah was right.
325
00:12:07,296 --> 00:12:10,461
He was spectacularly right!
326
00:12:10,462 --> 00:12:12,628
And you know what that makes me, sister?
327
00:12:12,629 --> 00:12:14,587
- Spitty?
- The campaign manager
328
00:12:14,588 --> 00:12:17,461
for the next President
of the United States!
329
00:12:17,462 --> 00:12:21,795
So if you want to discuss potential
opportunities for yourself
330
00:12:21,796 --> 00:12:24,295
in the Ryan administration,
331
00:12:24,296 --> 00:12:27,671
maybe I'll throw you a bone.
332
00:12:29,337 --> 00:12:31,962
Ma'am... this is bad.
333
00:12:31,963 --> 00:12:33,003
I know.
334
00:12:33,004 --> 00:12:34,628
Do you want me to take care of Amy?
335
00:12:34,629 --> 00:12:37,128
- (all cheering)
- For the last year
336
00:12:37,129 --> 00:12:39,336
I have been crisscrossing the country,
337
00:12:39,337 --> 00:12:43,837
warning America about the threat
of math to our way of life.
338
00:12:43,838 --> 00:12:46,378
- ALL: Yeah!
- Which is why, President Meyer,
339
00:12:46,379 --> 00:12:49,336
Senator Talbot, and Governor Calhoun,
340
00:12:49,337 --> 00:12:51,503
I have something to say to you:
341
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:52,837
I told you so!
342
00:12:52,838 --> 00:12:54,712
- BETH: He told you so!
- Yeah!
343
00:12:54,713 --> 00:12:58,461
Oh, hey, do you remember my
five-alarm hottie of a wife Beth?
344
00:12:58,462 --> 00:13:00,211
She just got out of rehab today.
345
00:13:00,212 --> 00:13:02,753
Yeah! And plus, while she was in there,
346
00:13:02,754 --> 00:13:05,128
she dropped a couple pounds
in all the right places,
347
00:13:05,129 --> 00:13:07,795
so she's hella even hotter
than she was before.
348
00:13:07,796 --> 00:13:10,795
- MAN: Kill her!
- Yeah! I mean, not her, man,
349
00:13:10,796 --> 00:13:12,503
but yeah, sure.
350
00:13:12,504 --> 00:13:15,336
Look, I love America,
351
00:13:15,337 --> 00:13:17,587
but it is time to face facts.
352
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:21,211
This is a horrific country
that is falling apart
353
00:13:21,212 --> 00:13:24,211
because it is full of people
who are different than me.
354
00:13:24,212 --> 00:13:25,920
- I was right!
- (all cheering)
355
00:13:25,921 --> 00:13:28,378
And that means I should be president!
356
00:13:28,379 --> 00:13:30,545
Thank you! Thank you!
357
00:13:30,546 --> 00:13:33,420
AMY: That is 34 more
delegates from Selina
358
00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:35,670
and 17 from Kemi.
359
00:13:35,671 --> 00:13:37,503
- We have Florida...
- JONAH: That's right, guys,
360
00:13:37,504 --> 00:13:39,170
next stop, the White House,
361
00:13:39,171 --> 00:13:41,378
and then it's payback time!
362
00:13:41,379 --> 00:13:43,253
- CLAY: Mom!
- BETH: Hi, Clay!
363
00:13:43,254 --> 00:13:45,045
- She's out?
- Oh no, I'm all better.
364
00:13:45,046 --> 00:13:46,670
- Hi, Beth.
- Hi, Amber.
365
00:13:46,671 --> 00:13:49,211
We just got denounced by the ACLU.
366
00:13:49,212 --> 00:13:52,378
We are going to win this thing!
367
00:13:52,379 --> 00:13:55,336
- Yes!
- Jonie, my boy!
368
00:13:55,337 --> 00:13:56,628
- Fuck me!
- We did it!
369
00:13:56,629 --> 00:13:58,378
Ever since you were little,
370
00:13:58,379 --> 00:13:59,795
I've been telling your mom,
371
00:13:59,796 --> 00:14:02,712
"Someday that beautiful,
brilliant boy of yours
372
00:14:02,713 --> 00:14:04,420
is gonna do great things!"
373
00:14:04,421 --> 00:14:07,170
I thought you told my mom to
sell me to a child molester
374
00:14:07,171 --> 00:14:09,045
and use the money to get her tubes tied.
375
00:14:09,046 --> 00:14:10,295
Eh, we're family.
376
00:14:10,296 --> 00:14:12,378
Come here, you!
377
00:14:12,379 --> 00:14:14,011
You know, the Jews have a word
378
00:14:14,013 --> 00:14:15,461
for this feeling I'm having right now.
379
00:14:15,462 --> 00:14:18,879
I can't remember... it sounds like
three Germans cumming real hard
380
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:20,837
inside something that
doesn't want them to.
381
00:14:20,838 --> 00:14:23,503
Oh, Jewish is such a beautiful language.
382
00:14:23,504 --> 00:14:27,378
That's not the only reason I'm
here. I come bearing gifts!
383
00:14:27,379 --> 00:14:31,503
New Hampshire's 27 delegates are yours!
384
00:14:31,504 --> 00:14:34,045
Oh, thank you, Uncle Jeff!
385
00:14:34,046 --> 00:14:35,837
JEFF: Get me Vermont.
386
00:14:35,838 --> 00:14:38,879
- I think I can sweet-talk them.
- Mm-hmm.
387
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:41,128
Yeah, Jeff Kane. Who am I speaking with?
388
00:14:41,129 --> 00:14:43,420
Ah. How's your dad?
389
00:14:43,421 --> 00:14:44,837
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
390
00:14:44,838 --> 00:14:46,378
OK, shut the fuck up!
391
00:14:46,379 --> 00:14:48,795
Listen, you Subaru-driving bull dykes!
392
00:14:48,796 --> 00:14:51,045
You better back Jonah on the next ballot
393
00:14:51,046 --> 00:14:52,503
or you will be leaf-peeping
394
00:14:52,504 --> 00:14:56,170
from inside your own maple
syrup-soaked assholes!
395
00:14:58,004 --> 00:15:00,837
I'll give 'em five minutes,
then I'll hit 'em with Bad Cop.
396
00:15:00,838 --> 00:15:03,004
They're calling it Ryan Fever.
397
00:15:03,005 --> 00:15:06,128
The former congressman's message
is finding a new audience...
398
00:15:06,129 --> 00:15:09,962
Assemblyman, I have been
to Buffalo six times,
399
00:15:09,963 --> 00:15:11,920
and I'm not even a serial killer.
400
00:15:11,921 --> 00:15:13,795
So I... OK, forget it.
401
00:15:13,796 --> 00:15:16,087
- Ma'am. Ma'am.
- What? What?
402
00:15:16,088 --> 00:15:18,045
The captain of the Texas delegation
403
00:15:18,046 --> 00:15:20,420
says that all of his bum steers
404
00:15:20,421 --> 00:15:22,241
are stampeding towards Jonah!
405
00:15:22,242 --> 00:15:25,295
We cannot lose Texas.
Texas is our firewall!
406
00:15:25,296 --> 00:15:28,545
Listen, Ben, you gotta go
back to Texas right now, OK?
407
00:15:28,546 --> 00:15:32,461
And just tell 'em they can violate
me with their assault rifles
408
00:15:32,462 --> 00:15:34,216
and a full slab of ribs
409
00:15:34,218 --> 00:15:37,336
on top of a stack of
slavery-free history textbooks.
410
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:38,762
You gotta go do that, Ben.
411
00:15:38,764 --> 00:15:40,670
- Go do that right now.
- Texas is our firewall.
412
00:15:40,671 --> 00:15:42,170
- SELINA: Yeah, do it.
- Ma'am. Ma'am.
413
00:15:42,171 --> 00:15:44,128
- Yeah, what is it?
- You need to see this.
414
00:15:44,129 --> 00:15:46,920
We never got proper answers
about the Meyer Fund
415
00:15:46,921 --> 00:15:48,712
or its many foreign donors.
416
00:15:48,713 --> 00:15:50,378
- This is Leon.
- That is why I've asked
417
00:15:50,379 --> 00:15:51,920
the Justice Department and the FBI
418
00:15:51,921 --> 00:15:54,420
- to reopen its investigation.
- Oh, my God.
419
00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:56,799
The president was in close contact
with her husband Andrew Meyer...
420
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:57,933
SELINA: The FBI?
421
00:15:57,935 --> 00:16:00,004
Up until his extremely suspicious death.
422
00:16:00,005 --> 00:16:03,504
Why is this so hard?
423
00:16:04,462 --> 00:16:06,545
I just wanna be president.
424
00:16:06,546 --> 00:16:09,545
Do you want six almonds?
425
00:16:09,546 --> 00:16:10,754
No!
426
00:16:12,004 --> 00:16:14,045
This, Kent, is why I was right
427
00:16:14,046 --> 00:16:15,336
not to offer her veep.
428
00:16:15,337 --> 00:16:17,628
- She's the worst.
- Yeah.
429
00:16:17,629 --> 00:16:19,587
Ma'am, all due respect,
430
00:16:19,588 --> 00:16:22,921
maybe you should consider...
being her veep?
431
00:16:25,587 --> 00:16:27,378
That's not fucking funny, Kent.
432
00:16:27,379 --> 00:16:29,753
I haven't been funny since 1987.
433
00:16:29,754 --> 00:16:32,295
- KEITH: Ma'am? Um...
- What?
434
00:16:32,296 --> 00:16:33,962
Adios, New Mexico.
435
00:16:33,963 --> 00:16:35,253
Ohh.
436
00:16:35,254 --> 00:16:36,545
- (Ben grunting)
- RICHARD: Hey, Ben.
437
00:16:36,546 --> 00:16:38,545
- BEN: Out of my way.
- Sorry.
438
00:16:38,546 --> 00:16:41,170
- Jesus.
- At least he's getting some exercise.
439
00:16:41,171 --> 00:16:43,879
Oh, yes! (chuckles) Politico's reporting
440
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:46,128
that Jonah's talking to you about
the Secretary of Commerce.
441
00:16:46,129 --> 00:16:47,230
RICHARD: I wish.
442
00:16:47,232 --> 00:16:48,962
Sounds much better than the
conversation we were having
443
00:16:48,963 --> 00:16:50,512
about why his urine is pink.
444
00:16:50,513 --> 00:16:52,628
We ruled out beets because he
doesn't know what those are.
445
00:16:52,629 --> 00:16:54,753
Then had to rule it right
back in for the same reason.
446
00:16:54,754 --> 00:16:56,920
Richard, look, there was no offer, OK?
447
00:16:56,921 --> 00:16:59,628
It was me, all right? I pulled
that turd out of my ass,
448
00:16:59,629 --> 00:17:01,545
covered it in ketchup, and
Politico asked for seconds.
449
00:17:01,546 --> 00:17:03,336
You could've ended
that sentence at "me."
450
00:17:03,337 --> 00:17:06,045
One thing is clear after this
runaway-Ferris wheel of a convention,
451
00:17:06,046 --> 00:17:08,837
and that's that Montez is gonna be
president for another four years.
452
00:17:08,838 --> 00:17:11,087
Well, makes sense. She made me
proud to be an American again.
453
00:17:11,088 --> 00:17:13,545
OK, but after that, it's Splett Time.
454
00:17:13,546 --> 00:17:15,087
We can't call it that
455
00:17:15,088 --> 00:17:17,004
unless we want to get sued
by my uncle's podcast.
456
00:17:17,005 --> 00:17:19,420
No, Senator, this whole Meyer Fund story
457
00:17:19,421 --> 00:17:21,628
is a distraction, sir,
458
00:17:21,629 --> 00:17:24,920
the way a magician does
tricks to distract you
459
00:17:24,921 --> 00:17:27,503
from how depressing his life is.
460
00:17:27,504 --> 00:17:29,712
- And I... I'll call you back.
- Ah... Ah...
461
00:17:29,713 --> 00:17:32,378
- So what'd you find out?
- Ahm... Ahmj...
462
00:17:32,379 --> 00:17:34,795
- What?
- Ajai... Ajai...
463
00:17:34,796 --> 00:17:36,211
- "Ajai"?
- (groans)
464
00:17:36,212 --> 00:17:38,128
Oh, my God! He's having a heart attack!
465
00:17:38,129 --> 00:17:40,461
- KENT: Eighth time's a charm.
- GARY: Oh, my God!
466
00:17:40,462 --> 00:17:41,962
SELINA: Stay here with us, Ben!
467
00:17:41,963 --> 00:17:45,087
I don't know the names of
any of the floor whips.
468
00:17:45,088 --> 00:17:46,920
We need EMTs up at the Meyer box, stat.
469
00:17:46,921 --> 00:17:50,045
White male, type 2
diabetes... also type 1.
470
00:17:50,046 --> 00:17:53,795
Ma'am, there's something happening
out on the floor you need to see.
471
00:17:53,796 --> 00:17:55,503
GARY: I'm gonna roll you over, Ben.
472
00:17:55,504 --> 00:17:57,461
KENT: No, no! No.
473
00:17:57,462 --> 00:17:59,587
- What?
- Just look down there.
474
00:17:59,588 --> 00:18:01,170
- (gasps)
- CROWD: Draft Tom James!
475
00:18:01,171 --> 00:18:03,295
You know, I just want to say,
476
00:18:03,296 --> 00:18:06,795
I was roadkill on the side
of the political highway.
477
00:18:06,796 --> 00:18:07,874
(all laugh)
478
00:18:07,876 --> 00:18:10,128
One of the nice things
about being dead is,
479
00:18:10,129 --> 00:18:11,753
it gives you time to think.
480
00:18:11,754 --> 00:18:14,920
- Also, fewer telemarketers.
- (laughter)
481
00:18:14,921 --> 00:18:16,272
But I thought,
482
00:18:16,274 --> 00:18:19,420
and I thought that I don't like the
direction our party is taking.
483
00:18:19,421 --> 00:18:21,795
Maybe the reason we can't
find a nominee is,
484
00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:24,503
everyone's just saying
the same-old same-old.
485
00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:27,004
- MAN: Run, Tom, run!
- ALL: Run, Tom, run! Run...
486
00:18:27,005 --> 00:18:28,920
What do you think I'm trying to do?
487
00:18:28,921 --> 00:18:31,211
Powerful words from Tom James.
488
00:18:31,212 --> 00:18:33,128
Let's go now to Michael McLintock
489
00:18:33,129 --> 00:18:35,587
on the convention floor
with Senator Tom James,
490
00:18:35,588 --> 00:18:38,503
whose potential Hail
Mary is gaining steam.
491
00:18:38,504 --> 00:18:40,503
I'm reading the wrong card.
492
00:18:40,504 --> 00:18:43,004
(siren wailing)
493
00:18:43,005 --> 00:18:44,628
Many now say Tom James
494
00:18:44,629 --> 00:18:46,670
is the only answer they'll accept
495
00:18:46,671 --> 00:18:48,753
as the brokered convention drags on.
496
00:18:48,754 --> 00:18:51,336
I honestly think I might be in hell.
497
00:18:51,337 --> 00:18:52,753
KENT: No such place, ma'am.
498
00:18:52,754 --> 00:18:54,670
The concept of hell is a cultural memory
499
00:18:54,671 --> 00:18:58,378
of pre-Mosaic child sacrifice
among proto-Judean peoples.
500
00:18:58,379 --> 00:19:00,422
You're making a strong case for hell.
501
00:19:00,424 --> 00:19:01,495
Tom played it perfectly.
502
00:19:01,496 --> 00:19:03,461
He'll clinch the nomination
on tomorrow night's ballot.
503
00:19:03,462 --> 00:19:06,254
- (knocking on door)
- Knock, knock.
504
00:19:07,246 --> 00:19:08,579
Take State.
505
00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:10,288
KENT: Senator.
506
00:19:10,290 --> 00:19:11,795
Here to rub it in, Tom?
507
00:19:11,796 --> 00:19:12,879
No rubbing.
508
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:14,254
Gary. Get.
509
00:19:15,658 --> 00:19:18,712
No, I just came by to see how Ben was.
510
00:19:18,713 --> 00:19:20,545
My first congressional race.
511
00:19:20,546 --> 00:19:22,920
Ben can't have been more
than 140 years old.
512
00:19:22,921 --> 00:19:25,128
He ran the other guy,
wiped the floor with me.
513
00:19:25,129 --> 00:19:28,712
They may have to put him in a
medically induced coma, so...
514
00:19:28,713 --> 00:19:30,045
It's what he always wanted.
515
00:19:30,046 --> 00:19:31,712
All right, let's go.
516
00:19:31,713 --> 00:19:33,295
Start your gloating,
517
00:19:33,296 --> 00:19:35,786
make whatever insulting offer
it is you're gonna make.
518
00:19:35,787 --> 00:19:37,170
I didn't come here to make an offer.
519
00:19:37,171 --> 00:19:38,837
I don't have the patience for this.
520
00:19:38,838 --> 00:19:40,420
And I'm certainly not gonna beg.
521
00:19:40,421 --> 00:19:41,823
I'm not asking you to beg.
522
00:19:41,824 --> 00:19:43,004
There's nothing to beg for.
523
00:19:43,005 --> 00:19:45,511
You don't have a political
future, Selina.
524
00:19:45,512 --> 00:19:47,420
That is your punishment.
525
00:19:47,421 --> 00:19:49,087
Punishment?
526
00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:50,962
What are you talking about?
527
00:19:50,963 --> 00:19:52,461
I have people who like me,
528
00:19:52,462 --> 00:19:53,879
lots of people with signs,
529
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:56,253
"New Selina Now"... That
is working. That...
530
00:19:56,254 --> 00:19:58,587
The party, and the nation,
will never forget
531
00:19:58,588 --> 00:20:00,712
all that "door" you pushed open...
532
00:20:00,713 --> 00:20:03,336
Yes... backwards and in heels.
533
00:20:03,337 --> 00:20:05,504
- (monitor beeping)
- Hang in there.
534
00:20:07,295 --> 00:20:08,587
Wait a minute.
535
00:20:08,588 --> 00:20:09,670
Wait a minute. Hold on.
536
00:20:09,671 --> 00:20:10,879
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
537
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:13,587
Please, come on. If...
538
00:20:13,588 --> 00:20:17,628
Tom, when we're not the worst team ever,
539
00:20:17,629 --> 00:20:20,087
we make a really good team!
540
00:20:20,088 --> 00:20:21,837
- Please!
- (knock on door)
541
00:20:21,838 --> 00:20:23,378
Oh. Madam President.
542
00:20:23,379 --> 00:20:25,962
Senator, the New York
delegation is on the phone.
543
00:20:25,963 --> 00:20:27,545
Well, it's been fun.
544
00:20:27,546 --> 00:20:32,378
Let's do this again at Ben's
next cardiopulmonary event.
545
00:20:32,379 --> 00:20:34,211
I'll wave at you from the stage.
546
00:20:34,212 --> 00:20:35,628
Yeah, well, that was gloating.
547
00:20:35,629 --> 00:20:37,337
- A little bit.
- Yeah.
548
00:20:39,587 --> 00:20:42,838
Wipe that grin-eating
dick off your face.
549
00:20:50,004 --> 00:20:52,963
(indistinct announcement over P.A.)
550
00:20:56,004 --> 00:20:57,337
(sighs)
551
00:20:59,562 --> 00:21:01,336
BEN: (mutters) Oh.
552
00:21:02,035 --> 00:21:03,670
I could use a drink.
553
00:21:04,504 --> 00:21:06,837
Yeah. Me too.
554
00:21:06,838 --> 00:21:08,879
Phew.
555
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:10,420
BEN: Tom James.
556
00:21:10,421 --> 00:21:13,211
Kent says he'll take it on
tomorrow night's ballot.
557
00:21:13,212 --> 00:21:15,128
I think this is it for me, too.
558
00:21:15,129 --> 00:21:17,378
Oh, no. You're gonna be fine.
559
00:21:17,379 --> 00:21:19,670
You're gonna be good as new,
560
00:21:19,671 --> 00:21:22,087
and then we'll figure out my next move.
561
00:21:22,088 --> 00:21:24,366
I've had a dozen heart attacks, and...
562
00:21:25,005 --> 00:21:28,336
if I play my cards right,
I'll have a dozen more,
563
00:21:28,337 --> 00:21:30,670
but I think this is my last rodeo.
564
00:21:30,671 --> 00:21:34,252
No, Ben! You're my hatchet man.
565
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,211
You're the hatchet man.
566
00:21:37,212 --> 00:21:38,580
I need you.
567
00:21:40,273 --> 00:21:43,170
(crying) How can I do this without you?
568
00:21:43,171 --> 00:21:45,212
Don't be an idiot, Selina.
569
00:21:46,671 --> 00:21:48,962
You know exactly what to do.
570
00:21:48,963 --> 00:21:50,129
No.
571
00:21:52,587 --> 00:21:53,795
Yeah.
572
00:21:53,796 --> 00:21:55,211
Yeah.
573
00:21:55,212 --> 00:21:57,088
OK.
574
00:21:59,879 --> 00:22:02,295
(sobbing softly)
575
00:22:04,587 --> 00:22:06,716
Hey, do me a favor.
576
00:22:06,717 --> 00:22:07,975
(sniffles)
577
00:22:07,976 --> 00:22:09,879
What?
578
00:22:09,880 --> 00:22:13,253
Don't tell my wife and kids, OK?
579
00:22:13,254 --> 00:22:15,162
I mean, I could really use the break.
580
00:22:15,163 --> 00:22:18,532
That's not a problem.
I've never met 'em.
581
00:22:33,433 --> 00:22:35,170
GARY: Ma'am.
582
00:22:36,796 --> 00:22:38,129
OK.
583
00:22:39,254 --> 00:22:41,004
Tom's making a move on New York,
584
00:22:41,005 --> 00:22:44,837
so you get ahold of Governor
Schnozzlestein right now,
585
00:22:44,838 --> 00:22:46,587
you tell him I want to see him tonight.
586
00:22:46,588 --> 00:22:48,670
I'm not gonna let them
take this from me.
587
00:22:48,671 --> 00:22:50,753
- GARY: Hmm.
- OK? Go.
588
00:22:50,754 --> 00:22:52,963
(Selina chuckles) OK.
589
00:22:55,535 --> 00:22:57,315
Can't say I blame you.
590
00:22:57,908 --> 00:23:01,879
I mean, that Nutmeg State indefinable
really turns my hydrant on.
591
00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:03,211
The only difference is
592
00:23:03,212 --> 00:23:06,378
that I was the most exciting
conquest of his life,
593
00:23:06,379 --> 00:23:09,628
and you just had the motel room
closest to the ice machine.
594
00:23:09,629 --> 00:23:11,211
I don't know what you're talking about,
595
00:23:11,212 --> 00:23:12,795
because I am the Senator's
chief of staff...
596
00:23:12,796 --> 00:23:14,253
Yeah, yeah, yeah, for now,
597
00:23:14,254 --> 00:23:17,087
but trust me, he will never see you
598
00:23:17,088 --> 00:23:21,211
as anything other than the TGI
Friday's hostess on Proactiv
599
00:23:21,212 --> 00:23:23,879
who lets him bend you over his desk
600
00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:27,253
while you close your eyes to
avoid coming face-to-face
601
00:23:27,254 --> 00:23:30,503
with that framed photo of
his family's trip to Aspen
602
00:23:30,504 --> 00:23:34,378
while he drowns your
Little Mermaid back tat
603
00:23:34,379 --> 00:23:36,753
in a pool of jizz
604
00:23:36,754 --> 00:23:38,545
and admires his own reflection.
605
00:23:38,546 --> 00:23:40,211
- Jesus.
- Wow!
606
00:23:40,212 --> 00:23:41,879
I just hate to see smart women
607
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:45,295
throw away their political
careers on powerful men
608
00:23:45,296 --> 00:23:49,046
who only see them as the
gash of least resistance.
609
00:23:50,408 --> 00:23:51,825
Mmm.
610
00:23:54,379 --> 00:23:58,336
I mean, you strike me as a smart woman.
611
00:23:58,337 --> 00:24:00,420
Are you?
612
00:24:00,421 --> 00:24:01,587
Yeah, well...
613
00:24:04,629 --> 00:24:06,379
New York is in the bag.
614
00:24:09,616 --> 00:24:10,962
- (chatter)
- SELINA: Congressman,
615
00:24:10,963 --> 00:24:13,004
- how do you take your coffee?
- Decaf.
616
00:24:13,005 --> 00:24:14,795
- Mnh-mnh.
- No? Oh.
617
00:24:14,796 --> 00:24:17,378
Yup. Here we go.
618
00:24:17,379 --> 00:24:19,879
So Congressman, tell me something.
619
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:23,170
What can we offer up to
the Montana delegation
620
00:24:23,171 --> 00:24:24,837
that would really dick-slap 'em?
621
00:24:24,838 --> 00:24:26,170
And I mean that in a
good way, of course.
622
00:24:26,171 --> 00:24:28,211
TOM: Get your fucking hands off me!
623
00:24:28,212 --> 00:24:29,503
Where is she?!
624
00:24:29,504 --> 00:24:31,753
You fucking monster!
625
00:24:31,754 --> 00:24:33,587
Excuse me for half a sec.
626
00:24:33,588 --> 00:24:35,045
You soulless, conniving cunt!
627
00:24:35,046 --> 00:24:37,920
I don't know what you're talking about.
628
00:24:37,921 --> 00:24:40,004
Oh! Unless it's this...
629
00:24:40,005 --> 00:24:43,170
- right here?
- The moment I began working for Senator James,
630
00:24:43,171 --> 00:24:47,879
his behavior was unprofessional
in a sexual manner.
631
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:50,170
- Is that the problem?
- Oh, fuck!
632
00:24:50,171 --> 00:24:52,336
Senator James took advantage
of his power over me.
633
00:24:52,337 --> 00:24:55,628
- TOM: He did what?!
- I had to endure sex acts
634
00:24:55,629 --> 00:24:58,170
- that included...
- Yeah, it's so great.
635
00:24:58,171 --> 00:25:00,879
- What did you offer her?
- I didn't offer her anything.
636
00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:02,795
I mean, I helped her with the wording.
637
00:25:02,796 --> 00:25:04,378
- Oh, this...
- Shh! Shh! Look.
638
00:25:04,379 --> 00:25:06,170
This is my favorite part
right here, actually.
639
00:25:06,171 --> 00:25:07,587
I was just this naive,
640
00:25:07,588 --> 00:25:10,128
innocent young woman who had dreams...
641
00:25:10,129 --> 00:25:11,920
"Innocent young woman." (laughing)
642
00:25:11,921 --> 00:25:13,795
That's hilarious, don't you think?
643
00:25:13,796 --> 00:25:16,045
But that girl doesn't exist anymore.
644
00:25:16,046 --> 00:25:17,545
She's dead!
645
00:25:17,546 --> 00:25:19,295
- Murdered by Tom James.
- Oh, yeah.
646
00:25:19,296 --> 00:25:22,503
That is actually all me. I
will take credit for that.
647
00:25:22,504 --> 00:25:25,420
She didn't want to do it, but
I was like, "You've got to!"
648
00:25:25,421 --> 00:25:28,587
My wife, my pregnant wife,
is not answering the phone.
649
00:25:28,588 --> 00:25:31,587
I am now a national fuckin' pariah!
650
00:25:31,588 --> 00:25:32,920
Why would you do this, Selina?
651
00:25:32,921 --> 00:25:35,211
I guess that the Tom James charm
652
00:25:35,212 --> 00:25:36,920
only goes so far with the ladies.
653
00:25:36,921 --> 00:25:38,670
I mean, that's one theory, but...
654
00:25:38,671 --> 00:25:40,420
Oh, listen, while I've got you.
655
00:25:40,421 --> 00:25:43,461
Is it OK if I don't wave
to you from the stage?
656
00:25:43,462 --> 00:25:47,461
Because with all of this, I
need to keep my distance.
657
00:25:47,462 --> 00:25:49,420
You understand that, right? Excuse me.
658
00:25:49,421 --> 00:25:53,128
I'm so sorry for that
little minor interruption.
659
00:25:53,129 --> 00:25:55,712
What the fuck are you?
660
00:25:55,713 --> 00:25:56,838
Bye, Tom.
661
00:25:59,154 --> 00:26:00,530
Toodle-oo.
662
00:26:02,712 --> 00:26:04,795
So emotional, right?
663
00:26:04,796 --> 00:26:07,420
This is why we need a woman in office.
664
00:26:07,421 --> 00:26:11,004
(Selina laughing)
665
00:26:11,005 --> 00:26:14,879
So? What else do we need to talk about?
666
00:26:14,880 --> 00:26:16,253
Federal lands.
667
00:26:16,254 --> 00:26:18,128
They need to be protected.
668
00:26:18,129 --> 00:26:20,879
- We need more drilling.
- For drilling purposes.
669
00:26:20,880 --> 00:26:22,461
Let's frack the crap out of it.
670
00:26:22,462 --> 00:26:24,128
SELINA: Governor Calhoun,
671
00:26:24,129 --> 00:26:25,837
what do I have to do
to get your support?
672
00:26:25,838 --> 00:26:27,336
President Meyer, I'm a simple man.
673
00:26:27,337 --> 00:26:29,295
- I see that. Oh, uh-huh.
- Of faith.
674
00:26:29,296 --> 00:26:31,004
But after this bathroom incident...
675
00:26:31,005 --> 00:26:33,295
That was just an accident. Really.
676
00:26:33,296 --> 00:26:34,628
Free to pee, you and me, right?
677
00:26:34,629 --> 00:26:36,336
- (Kent laughing)
- Madam President,
678
00:26:36,337 --> 00:26:39,087
homosexuality is no laughing matter.
679
00:26:39,088 --> 00:26:40,211
- OK.
- Pernicious.
680
00:26:40,212 --> 00:26:41,587
Homosexuals are luring
681
00:26:41,588 --> 00:26:44,587
decent, God-fearing heterosexual men
682
00:26:44,588 --> 00:26:48,795
into sin and sweaty degradation.
683
00:26:48,796 --> 00:26:51,503
(inhales, exhales) Mmm.
684
00:26:51,504 --> 00:26:54,503
You know, Buddy, I gotta
tell you something.
685
00:26:54,504 --> 00:26:57,336
It... It happens, and...
686
00:26:57,337 --> 00:26:59,920
- you can't beat yourself up about it.
- What?
687
00:26:59,921 --> 00:27:02,753
- Never mind. I hear what you're saying.
- KENT: Let's move forward.
688
00:27:02,754 --> 00:27:06,087
Yes. Governor, I am
prepared to offer you
689
00:27:06,088 --> 00:27:08,170
Secretary of Education.
690
00:27:09,379 --> 00:27:10,837
Well, ma'am...
691
00:27:10,838 --> 00:27:11,878
How 'bout that?
692
00:27:11,879 --> 00:27:13,253
As excited as I would be
693
00:27:13,254 --> 00:27:15,461
to remove dinosaur theory
from the curriculum,
694
00:27:15,462 --> 00:27:19,442
I am just a little bit uneasy about
all this Meyer Fund scuttlebutt...
695
00:27:19,443 --> 00:27:20,956
I'll kill gay marriage.
696
00:27:20,957 --> 00:27:23,962
In exchange for your support,
697
00:27:23,963 --> 00:27:26,253
I will raw-dog a plank
698
00:27:26,254 --> 00:27:28,712
right up our party's platform,
699
00:27:28,713 --> 00:27:33,045
and I will outlaw same-sex marriage.
700
00:27:33,046 --> 00:27:35,128
Governor, can I get an amen?
701
00:27:35,129 --> 00:27:38,170
You can get an amen, and
I'll throw in a hallelujah,
702
00:27:38,171 --> 00:27:39,795
- I love it.
- And my endorsement.
703
00:27:39,796 --> 00:27:42,128
- Thank you, sir. Wonderful!
- Wow. Wow. Yeah!
704
00:27:42,129 --> 00:27:44,712
- I think we're buddies now, aren't we?
- Oh, yeah, very much.
705
00:27:44,713 --> 00:27:47,128
Can you be a buddy with
someone of the opposite sex?
706
00:27:47,129 --> 00:27:50,211
Well, under certain
circumstances. Yeah, we are.
707
00:27:50,212 --> 00:27:52,087
- So, Buddy up!
- ALL: Buddy up!
708
00:27:52,088 --> 00:27:55,128
That's a great expression.
Thank you so, so much.
709
00:27:55,129 --> 00:27:58,795
He is not just gay, he
is Sam Rayburn gay.
710
00:27:58,796 --> 00:28:00,211
Impressive negotiation, ma'am,
711
00:28:00,212 --> 00:28:03,962
but we are still approximately
662 votes short.
712
00:28:03,963 --> 00:28:05,795
- I am well aware.
- Good.
713
00:28:05,796 --> 00:28:07,045
(door opens)
714
00:28:07,046 --> 00:28:09,378
Ma'am. You wanted to see me?
715
00:28:09,379 --> 00:28:10,629
That's incorrect.
716
00:28:11,629 --> 00:28:13,461
Ugh. Not in that outfit.
717
00:28:13,462 --> 00:28:14,920
But yeah, come on in.
718
00:28:14,921 --> 00:28:16,295
Amy, um...
719
00:28:18,295 --> 00:28:19,462
um...
720
00:28:24,004 --> 00:28:26,753
I want to offer Jonah the V.P. slot.
721
00:28:26,754 --> 00:28:28,253
- BOTH: What?
- Yeah.
722
00:28:28,254 --> 00:28:29,837
It's the only move we have left now,
723
00:28:29,838 --> 00:28:31,587
and we're gonna have
to get it done today.
724
00:28:31,588 --> 00:28:34,087
Ma'am, there are still
numerous permutations
725
00:28:34,088 --> 00:28:35,837
that can play out here. You
don't have to do this.
726
00:28:35,838 --> 00:28:38,837
Do the goddamn Islamic math.
You're the numbers guy.
727
00:28:38,838 --> 00:28:40,170
Fuck the numbers!
728
00:28:40,171 --> 00:28:41,962
I will not be part of a campaign,
729
00:28:41,963 --> 00:28:43,795
let alone an administration,
730
00:28:43,796 --> 00:28:46,295
that includes Jonah
Ryan as vice president!
731
00:28:46,296 --> 00:28:48,545
That is an entirely
unacceptable outcome.
732
00:28:48,546 --> 00:28:51,545
Amy, you wanna talk some sense into him?
733
00:28:51,546 --> 00:28:54,087
- Don't do it.
- What?
734
00:28:54,088 --> 00:28:57,879
Don't... make Jonah your V.P.
735
00:28:57,880 --> 00:28:59,587
Wow, you know what I just remembered?
736
00:28:59,588 --> 00:29:03,712
You are a terrible campaign manager.
737
00:29:03,713 --> 00:29:06,295
Ma'am, you can't let an
embittered, vindictive,
738
00:29:06,296 --> 00:29:10,461
narcissistic man-child be one
heartbeat away from the presidency,
739
00:29:10,462 --> 00:29:12,211
let alone be the president.
740
00:29:12,212 --> 00:29:15,670
There's no safer place
to stick Jonah Ryan
741
00:29:15,671 --> 00:29:17,628
in all of Washington, D.C.
742
00:29:17,629 --> 00:29:21,253
Being vice president is
like being declawed,
743
00:29:21,254 --> 00:29:23,587
defanged, neutered,
744
00:29:23,588 --> 00:29:27,587
ball-gagged, and sealed
in an abandoned coal mine
745
00:29:27,588 --> 00:29:31,295
under two miles of human shit!
746
00:29:31,296 --> 00:29:34,461
It is a fate worse than death.
747
00:29:34,462 --> 00:29:36,420
Besides, I'm not gonna die,
748
00:29:36,421 --> 00:29:38,503
'cause I got the heart and the twat
749
00:29:38,504 --> 00:29:41,753
of a high school cheerleader
who's only done anal!
750
00:29:41,754 --> 00:29:45,170
- I am begging you, please...
- Ma'am, entreating,
751
00:29:45,171 --> 00:29:46,920
- supplicating, beseeching...
- Think of...
752
00:29:46,921 --> 00:29:49,253
Enough!
753
00:29:49,254 --> 00:29:51,920
I didn't come to North Carolina to lose.
754
00:29:51,921 --> 00:29:54,045
I don't even like to change planes here.
755
00:29:54,046 --> 00:29:56,753
Jonah Ryan is gonna be the
vice president. You got it?
756
00:29:56,754 --> 00:29:58,587
And that's final. So get off your knees
757
00:29:58,588 --> 00:30:02,211
and cut out this melodramatic bullshit!
758
00:30:02,212 --> 00:30:04,712
- Let's go.
- (distant cheering)
759
00:30:06,088 --> 00:30:08,211
- What's the rush?
- Oh, hey-hey!
760
00:30:08,212 --> 00:30:09,921
You're my guy!
761
00:30:11,838 --> 00:30:13,845
OK, so I think we know why we are here.
762
00:30:13,847 --> 00:30:14,989
Yes, ma'am.
763
00:30:14,990 --> 00:30:17,170
- Yes, we do.
- I don't know why we are here.
764
00:30:17,171 --> 00:30:20,045
Me neither. But I love
meeting new people.
765
00:30:20,046 --> 00:30:22,378
She is offering you vice president,
766
00:30:22,379 --> 00:30:24,712
you monument to vaginal dryness.
767
00:30:29,379 --> 00:30:30,420
Well, then, no.
768
00:30:31,754 --> 00:30:33,420
I'm sorry?
769
00:30:33,421 --> 00:30:35,295
I said no. As in never.
770
00:30:35,296 --> 00:30:37,879
I will be president,
or I will be nothing.
771
00:30:37,880 --> 00:30:40,211
And in fact, if I don't
get the nomination,
772
00:30:40,212 --> 00:30:43,066
I might run as a third party
just to fuck your shit up.
773
00:30:43,067 --> 00:30:46,879
Shut the fuck up, you
gum-recessed face-anus!
774
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:50,170
Don't you see you've just been
offered the second-most powerful job
775
00:30:50,171 --> 00:30:51,503
in the world?!
776
00:30:51,504 --> 00:30:53,461
No, you shut up, Uncle Jeff!
777
00:30:53,462 --> 00:30:56,420
I will not let anyone
speak to me like that.
778
00:30:56,421 --> 00:30:58,670
- President or nothing?
- Yeah!
779
00:30:58,671 --> 00:31:02,045
Are you kidding me? You
cockless cockroach!
780
00:31:02,046 --> 00:31:04,753
You pile of failure
shaped like a rapist!
781
00:31:04,754 --> 00:31:06,545
I am not shaped like a rapist!
782
00:31:06,546 --> 00:31:09,837
...with my car, like I
did in kindergarten!
783
00:31:09,838 --> 00:31:11,920
...figure out what the fuck you were!
784
00:31:11,921 --> 00:31:13,420
...with purpose and repetition!
785
00:31:13,421 --> 00:31:15,420
OK, fine! Jesus fuckin' Christ,
786
00:31:15,421 --> 00:31:18,211
I'll be vice president,
just stop yelling at me!
787
00:31:18,212 --> 00:31:20,795
- SELINA: All right, fine.
- Crisis is now averted.
788
00:31:20,796 --> 00:31:22,753
- No. I have one condition.
- Oh, shit.
789
00:31:22,754 --> 00:31:25,503
- I want my best friend Richard...
- And your only friend.
790
00:31:25,504 --> 00:31:29,004
I want Richard to be
Secretary of farm shit.
791
00:31:29,005 --> 00:31:31,253
SELINA AND AMY: We'll have to fire Dan.
792
00:31:31,254 --> 00:31:32,879
Why do you want to fire him?
793
00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:36,378
Just as a way of saying sorry
for yelling at you earlier.
794
00:31:36,379 --> 00:31:38,087
You know, feminism.
795
00:31:38,088 --> 00:31:39,962
That sounds great. Fire Dan. He sucks.
796
00:31:39,963 --> 00:31:41,962
Mazel tov, Selina, mazel tov.
797
00:31:41,963 --> 00:31:43,908
- Thank you, Sherman.
- When you have a sec,
798
00:31:43,909 --> 00:31:45,133
I want to talk to you about
799
00:31:45,135 --> 00:31:46,634
one of the biggest challenges
facing the country
800
00:31:46,635 --> 00:31:48,461
- in the 21st century.
- Sure. Tell me right now.
801
00:31:48,462 --> 00:31:50,420
Casino licenses in Macao.
802
00:31:50,421 --> 00:31:52,730
- Did you hear that, Keith?
- KEITH: I did.
803
00:31:52,731 --> 00:31:53,925
OK, Macao.
804
00:31:53,927 --> 00:31:55,879
CATHERINE: How could you?
Tell me that it is not true.
805
00:31:55,880 --> 00:31:58,461
Catherine, I'm right in
the middle of something.
806
00:31:58,462 --> 00:32:01,908
Tell me that you did not just
trade away same-sex marriage...
807
00:32:01,910 --> 00:32:03,457
Can you believe I'm having
to deal with this right now?
808
00:32:03,459 --> 00:32:07,400
- To get Buddy Calhoun's endorsement!
- It is just the party platform.
809
00:32:07,401 --> 00:32:11,087
It's like a to-do list of
things we're not gonna do.
810
00:32:11,088 --> 00:32:12,670
"Restore faith in democracy"?
811
00:32:12,671 --> 00:32:15,461
We couldn't do that
even if we wanted to.
812
00:32:15,462 --> 00:32:18,837
You cannot do this. I
will never forgive you.
813
00:32:18,838 --> 00:32:22,163
If I had a dollar for every "Mother,
I will never forgive you..."
814
00:32:22,165 --> 00:32:23,920
- Bazillionaire.
- Correct.
815
00:32:23,921 --> 00:32:26,837
Now listen, Mommy's got a lot
of work to do right now.
816
00:32:26,838 --> 00:32:29,295
I have to write the press
release for my V.P. pick.
817
00:32:29,296 --> 00:32:30,962
- There you go.
- Thank you very much.
818
00:32:30,963 --> 00:32:33,545
- Why is Jonah helping you?
- Started from the bottom,
819
00:32:33,546 --> 00:32:35,587
now we here. Bwacka! Bwacka! Bwacka!
820
00:32:35,588 --> 00:32:37,420
(Beth laughing)
821
00:32:37,421 --> 00:32:40,417
- Oh, my God.
- Are you out of your fucking mind,
822
00:32:40,418 --> 00:32:41,879
Gram-Ma'am?
823
00:32:41,880 --> 00:32:44,253
Oh... No. Oh, my God. OK.
824
00:32:44,254 --> 00:32:46,170
I will never forgive you for this!
825
00:32:46,171 --> 00:32:47,795
- Mmm? Yep.
- Ka-ching.
826
00:32:47,796 --> 00:32:49,004
I'm sorry about that, folks.
827
00:32:49,005 --> 00:32:50,879
That's OK. Cheers, ma'am.
828
00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:54,587
MIKE: And on this history-making
11th ballot, Jane,
829
00:32:54,588 --> 00:32:55,795
it looks like the convention
830
00:32:55,796 --> 00:32:58,045
will finally have its nominee.
831
00:32:58,046 --> 00:33:00,211
DELEGATE: Great state of North Carolina,
832
00:33:00,212 --> 00:33:04,253
the home of historically black
Fayetteville State University
833
00:33:04,254 --> 00:33:07,378
and historically white Duke University,
834
00:33:07,379 --> 00:33:10,628
would like to yield to the
great state of Maryland!
835
00:33:10,629 --> 00:33:12,837
MARYLAND DELEGATE: Mr. Chairman, I move
836
00:33:12,838 --> 00:33:16,420
that Selina Meyer be
selected by this convention
837
00:33:16,421 --> 00:33:19,837
by acclimation as our nominee
838
00:33:19,838 --> 00:33:23,461
for President of the United States!
839
00:33:23,462 --> 00:33:25,004
ROGER: All those in favor
840
00:33:25,005 --> 00:33:27,420
of nominating President Selena Meyer
841
00:33:27,421 --> 00:33:31,211
- by acclimation, say aye!
- CROWD: Aye!
842
00:33:31,212 --> 00:33:32,970
- All opposed, please say no!
- CROWD: No!
843
00:33:32,971 --> 00:33:35,211
The measure... is adopted!
844
00:33:35,212 --> 00:33:37,128
(cheers and applause)
845
00:33:37,129 --> 00:33:38,503
We did it!
846
00:33:38,504 --> 00:33:39,629
(crowd cheering)
847
00:33:42,629 --> 00:33:44,795
SELINA (VOICEOVER): I
was three years old
848
00:33:44,796 --> 00:33:47,753
the first time my father
put me on a horse,
849
00:33:47,754 --> 00:33:50,378
and I fell right off.
850
00:33:50,379 --> 00:33:52,587
(crowd laughing)
851
00:33:52,588 --> 00:33:54,295
(crowd applauding)
852
00:33:54,296 --> 00:33:57,128
SELINA: They say experience
is the best teacher,
853
00:33:57,129 --> 00:34:00,461
and although my own daughter
never learned to ride well,
854
00:34:00,462 --> 00:34:03,170
I've made it my mission
in life to teach...
855
00:34:03,171 --> 00:34:05,420
I waited a long time for this.
856
00:34:05,421 --> 00:34:08,004
Yeah, but this Meyer Fund
thing isn't going away.
857
00:34:08,005 --> 00:34:10,378
It's stickier than a red
wine-and-curry dump.
858
00:34:10,379 --> 00:34:12,318
- Oh!
- We can't have a damaged nominee.
859
00:34:12,319 --> 00:34:13,292
I know.
860
00:34:13,294 --> 00:34:15,128
Somebody's gonna go
down for this, Selina.
861
00:34:15,129 --> 00:34:17,336
Like myself on any traveling
German businessman
862
00:34:17,337 --> 00:34:19,628
- at a Dubuque Radisson breakfast...
- Not now, Will!
863
00:34:19,629 --> 00:34:21,087
Read the room!
864
00:34:21,088 --> 00:34:22,837
Somebody's gotta go down for this.
865
00:34:22,838 --> 00:34:25,181
I just said I know, Roger.
866
00:34:26,171 --> 00:34:29,295
- Thank you. Thank you.
- GARY: Look who I found.
867
00:34:29,296 --> 00:34:30,962
Oh, hey, John.
868
00:34:30,963 --> 00:34:35,295
Yeah, so I'm gonna take two more
lines from your speech, OK?
869
00:34:35,296 --> 00:34:36,315
Here, OK?
870
00:34:36,317 --> 00:34:39,128
That's about me waking up
in a hospital bed in Kabul
871
00:34:39,129 --> 00:34:40,545
after the IED attack.
872
00:34:40,546 --> 00:34:41,962
I'm gonna tweak it.
873
00:34:41,963 --> 00:34:44,628
And I'm sorry about the whole
vice presidency thing,
874
00:34:44,629 --> 00:34:46,234
but I knew you'd understand.
875
00:34:46,235 --> 00:34:48,920
Oh. So you'll probably
want to cut the line
876
00:34:48,921 --> 00:34:52,461
about you being the
vice president. Right?
877
00:34:52,462 --> 00:34:54,420
Yeah. OK. Let's go.
878
00:34:54,421 --> 00:34:58,503
SELINA: ...and pass it on to
the next generation in spades.
879
00:34:58,504 --> 00:35:01,962
Over the years I may have
been thrown off a few times,
880
00:35:01,963 --> 00:35:06,087
but like my daddy taught me, you
always get right back on...
881
00:35:06,088 --> 00:35:08,503
Like America.
882
00:35:08,504 --> 00:35:12,670
ANNOUNCER: And now, to introduce
our party's nominee...
883
00:35:12,671 --> 00:35:15,962
- Right. Break a leg.
- GARY: Oooh.
884
00:35:15,963 --> 00:35:18,336
...John DeVito of Ohio!
885
00:35:18,337 --> 00:35:19,670
(music playing)
886
00:35:19,671 --> 00:35:21,211
Come on, come on.
887
00:35:21,212 --> 00:35:22,837
(cheers and applause)
888
00:35:22,838 --> 00:35:25,503
It'd be faster just
to lay down and roll.
889
00:35:25,504 --> 00:35:27,253
Hello. I'm John DeVito.
890
00:35:27,254 --> 00:35:29,170
And like the soldiers I served with,
891
00:35:29,171 --> 00:35:31,128
I'm here to talk tonight about a woman
892
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,795
who always keeps her word.
893
00:35:32,796 --> 00:35:35,461
Are you ready for the Dubonnet?
894
00:35:35,462 --> 00:35:37,253
- Hey, Gary?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
895
00:35:37,254 --> 00:35:39,920
I need you to do something for me.
896
00:35:39,921 --> 00:35:41,380
You got something in
your teeth. Hold on.
897
00:35:41,382 --> 00:35:42,485
Oh. Sorry.
898
00:35:42,486 --> 00:35:45,045
Anyway, listen, it's kind
of important, actually,
899
00:35:45,046 --> 00:35:46,920
- and I would also say...
- OK, yeah. "Ahh."
900
00:35:46,921 --> 00:35:49,170
- ...that's it's not easy...
- GARY: OK.
901
00:35:49,171 --> 00:35:52,211
Uh, and it's kinda also not fair.
902
00:35:52,212 --> 00:35:53,879
You want coffee from across the street?
903
00:35:53,880 --> 00:35:55,628
- Uh...
- Yeah?
904
00:35:55,629 --> 00:35:58,753
Ah! I got it. Little chia seed.
905
00:35:58,754 --> 00:36:00,602
Nah, never mind.
906
00:36:00,603 --> 00:36:02,045
Forget I ever said anything.
907
00:36:02,046 --> 00:36:03,336
You look beautiful.
908
00:36:03,337 --> 00:36:05,587
(chuckles) And you are a lifesaver.
909
00:36:05,588 --> 00:36:07,045
Aww. Oh, come on.
910
00:36:07,046 --> 00:36:09,795
Yeah. I couldn't have
done it without ya.
911
00:36:09,796 --> 00:36:12,378
You don't have to worry,
I'm not going anywhere.
912
00:36:12,379 --> 00:36:14,295
ANNOUNCER: ...the next President
913
00:36:14,296 --> 00:36:17,211
of the United States of
America, Selina Meyer!
914
00:36:17,212 --> 00:36:20,838
- (cheers and applause)
- (music playing)
915
00:36:24,587 --> 00:36:26,253
SELINA: Thank you!
916
00:36:26,254 --> 00:36:28,962
Thank you!
917
00:36:28,963 --> 00:36:31,336
I am Selina Meyer,
918
00:36:31,337 --> 00:36:35,420
and I proudly accept your nomination
919
00:36:35,421 --> 00:36:39,712
for President of the
United States of America!
920
00:36:39,713 --> 00:36:41,587
(cheers and applause)
921
00:36:41,588 --> 00:36:43,753
Even if it took a while!
922
00:36:43,754 --> 00:36:45,712
(Selina laughing)
923
00:36:45,713 --> 00:36:48,545
The journey that we begin tonight
924
00:36:48,546 --> 00:36:51,587
has been many, many years in the making,
925
00:36:51,588 --> 00:36:55,670
and it all started in Kabul.
926
00:36:55,671 --> 00:36:58,628
Waking up in a...
927
00:36:58,629 --> 00:37:00,045
hotel bed...
928
00:37:00,046 --> 00:37:02,879
That DeVito's a helluva speechwriter.
929
00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:04,420
Good evening, Mr. Cafferty!
930
00:37:04,421 --> 00:37:06,461
You ready for your sponge bath?
931
00:37:06,462 --> 00:37:08,420
Call me Ben.
932
00:37:08,421 --> 00:37:10,795
...to make the world a safer,
933
00:37:10,796 --> 00:37:13,045
cleaner, better place!
934
00:37:13,046 --> 00:37:14,420
- MAN: Yeah!
- (cheering)
935
00:37:14,421 --> 00:37:16,295
So? What did we get?
936
00:37:16,296 --> 00:37:19,628
President Meyer offered me
Secretary of Agriculture.
937
00:37:19,629 --> 00:37:21,170
Yes, Richard!
938
00:37:21,171 --> 00:37:22,962
Secretary of Swag-riculture!
939
00:37:22,963 --> 00:37:24,879
Oh, my God. Yes!
940
00:37:24,880 --> 00:37:26,628
I'm goin' back to Washington, baby!
941
00:37:26,629 --> 00:37:28,628
- But...
- No "buts," Richard.
942
00:37:28,629 --> 00:37:31,461
For once in your life, don't
think so much, just say yes.
943
00:37:31,462 --> 00:37:33,295
- Yes.
- Good man.
944
00:37:33,296 --> 00:37:35,795
But the "but" was: "But
you have to fire Dan."
945
00:37:35,796 --> 00:37:38,378
- So I guess you're fired.
- What?
946
00:37:38,379 --> 00:37:39,879
Thanks for making this easy on me.
947
00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:42,503
Ohhh. I gotta get out of politics.
948
00:37:42,504 --> 00:37:44,753
To be honest, I never thought you
were really cut out for it, anyway.
949
00:37:44,754 --> 00:37:47,128
SELINA: Finally, I wanted to say
950
00:37:47,129 --> 00:37:49,461
a word about sacrifice.
951
00:37:49,462 --> 00:37:53,628
It means to lose something...
952
00:37:53,629 --> 00:37:55,753
for the greater good.
953
00:37:55,754 --> 00:37:57,670
And when I look back
954
00:37:57,671 --> 00:37:59,378
on my 52 years,
955
00:37:59,379 --> 00:38:03,753
with almost 30 of them
spent in public service...
956
00:38:03,754 --> 00:38:08,004
- GARY: What's going on?
- ...there is no one who has sacrificed
957
00:38:08,005 --> 00:38:10,546
more than me.
958
00:38:13,712 --> 00:38:18,587
And there's nothing
anyone can do to stop me
959
00:38:18,588 --> 00:38:23,211
from standing and
walking for my country!
960
00:38:23,212 --> 00:38:24,420
Thank you,
961
00:38:24,421 --> 00:38:27,461
and God bless America!
962
00:38:27,462 --> 00:38:29,336
(cheers and applause)
963
00:38:29,337 --> 00:38:32,962
♪ Harry Truman, Doris Day,
Red China, Johnny Ray... ♪
964
00:38:32,963 --> 00:38:35,253
(indistinct)
965
00:38:35,254 --> 00:38:36,837
Oh! God.
966
00:38:36,838 --> 00:38:38,587
We got this.
967
00:38:38,588 --> 00:38:41,545
- Oh. We did it. We did it.
- Yes.
968
00:38:41,546 --> 00:38:43,128
(sustained cheering)
969
00:38:43,129 --> 00:38:45,545
♪ We didn't start the fire ♪
970
00:38:45,546 --> 00:38:49,545
♪ It was always burning since
the world's been turning ♪
971
00:38:49,546 --> 00:38:52,211
♪ We didn't start the fire ♪
972
00:38:52,212 --> 00:38:56,045
♪ No, we didn't light it,
but we tried to fight it ♪
973
00:38:56,046 --> 00:38:59,087
♪ Little Rock, Pasternak,
Mickey Mantle, Kerouac ♪
974
00:38:59,088 --> 00:39:01,045
♪ Sputnik, Chou En-lai ♪
975
00:39:01,046 --> 00:39:03,004
- ♪ "Bridge on the River Kwai" ♪
- Wonderful!
976
00:39:03,005 --> 00:39:04,587
♪ Lebanon, Charles de Gaulle ♪
977
00:39:04,588 --> 00:39:06,087
♪ California baseball ♪
978
00:39:06,088 --> 00:39:07,753
♪ Starkweather, homicide ♪
979
00:39:07,754 --> 00:39:09,879
♪ Children of thalidomide... ♪
980
00:39:09,880 --> 00:39:12,670
- Ah-ahh!
- (woman squealing)
981
00:39:12,671 --> 00:39:14,753
- Congratulations, ma'am.
- Thank you!
982
00:39:14,754 --> 00:39:16,795
We're going back to the White House!
983
00:39:16,796 --> 00:39:18,837
Congratulations to you, Amy!
984
00:39:18,838 --> 00:39:20,426
- Thank you!
- You're gonna be
985
00:39:20,428 --> 00:39:22,253
Jonah's chief of staff.
986
00:39:22,254 --> 00:39:24,045
- Huh?
- I don't like the way
987
00:39:24,046 --> 00:39:26,170
you talked to me the other day.
988
00:39:26,171 --> 00:39:28,128
AMY: Uh-huh.
989
00:39:28,129 --> 00:39:31,295
- Yeah. Yeah.
- ♪ We didn't start the fire... ♪
990
00:39:31,296 --> 00:39:32,587
SELINA: Yes!
991
00:39:35,754 --> 00:39:37,420
JONAH: ♪ He's a super veep ♪
992
00:39:37,421 --> 00:39:39,503
♪ Super veep, he's super veepy ♪
993
00:39:39,504 --> 00:39:40,753
♪ Bowww ♪
994
00:39:40,754 --> 00:39:41,920
Hi, Sue.
995
00:39:41,921 --> 00:39:43,587
Sue, the Vice President
996
00:39:43,588 --> 00:39:45,712
would like a minute with the President.
997
00:39:45,713 --> 00:39:48,503
The President told me to pencil you
in to half-past. Go fuck yourself.
998
00:39:48,504 --> 00:39:51,170
- Sue, when I am President...
- You won't be.
999
00:39:51,171 --> 00:39:52,795
- If you want to work for me...
- I don't.
1000
00:39:52,796 --> 00:39:54,128
Then I would start treating me
1001
00:39:54,129 --> 00:39:55,587
with the respect that I deserve.
1002
00:39:55,588 --> 00:39:57,420
- I am.
- Sue, as Vice President
1003
00:39:57,421 --> 00:39:59,128
of the United States, I order you
1004
00:39:59,129 --> 00:40:01,295
to let me into the Oval Office!
1005
00:40:02,781 --> 00:40:04,160
Goddamnit!
1006
00:40:05,296 --> 00:40:06,628
I'm just gonna pop my head in.
1007
00:40:06,629 --> 00:40:07,962
Nice to see you, Amy.
1008
00:40:07,963 --> 00:40:09,295
(groans)
1009
00:40:09,296 --> 00:40:11,420
MICHELLE: Ma'am, Joint Chiefs
1010
00:40:11,421 --> 00:40:13,628
are getting a little squirrely
about Chinese tank movements
1011
00:40:13,629 --> 00:40:16,004
- near the Tibetan border.
- What a bunch of pussies.
1012
00:40:16,005 --> 00:40:18,795
And we're expecting a call from
the Israeli prime minister
1013
00:40:18,796 --> 00:40:20,378
about the Palestinian food riots.
1014
00:40:20,379 --> 00:40:22,336
That reminds me, I'm starving. Gary!
1015
00:40:22,337 --> 00:40:24,670
Oh. Ma'am, Gary doesn't work here.
1016
00:40:24,671 --> 00:40:26,795
I know. Why are you telling me
things that I already know?
1017
00:40:26,796 --> 00:40:29,045
Sorry. But I would be more than happy
1018
00:40:29,046 --> 00:40:30,920
to get you something to
eat. What would you like?
1019
00:40:30,921 --> 00:40:32,420
- You figure that out.
- OK.
1020
00:40:32,421 --> 00:40:34,087
Why am I coming up with
solutions for you?
1021
00:40:34,088 --> 00:40:35,670
That's your job, right?
That's not my job.
1022
00:40:35,671 --> 00:40:37,087
BOTH: Sorry, ma'am.
1023
00:40:37,088 --> 00:40:38,753
The level of incompetence
1024
00:40:38,754 --> 00:40:40,587
in this office is just...
1025
00:40:44,170 --> 00:40:45,420
(exhales)
1026
00:40:52,504 --> 00:40:54,461
SUE: Ma'am, the Israeli prime minister
1027
00:40:54,462 --> 00:40:57,170
is on line three.
1028
00:40:57,171 --> 00:41:00,004
David? Shalom.
1029
00:41:00,005 --> 00:41:02,628
So, what did the
Palestinians do this time?
1030
00:41:02,629 --> 00:41:04,920
David, I have to tell you,
my daughter Catherine
1031
00:41:04,921 --> 00:41:07,837
was exactly the same way... A whiner.
1032
00:41:07,838 --> 00:41:09,879
Nyeh... Yeah. Mm-hmm.
1033
00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:11,879
- (whispers) What?
- This is your speech for this afternoon.
1034
00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:13,795
(whispers) Glasses.
1035
00:41:13,796 --> 00:41:15,545
Jesus Christ.
1036
00:41:15,546 --> 00:41:17,587
Oh, no, no, no. Not you, David.
1037
00:41:17,588 --> 00:41:19,128
Yes.
1038
00:41:19,129 --> 00:41:21,211
Well, tell me,
1039
00:41:21,212 --> 00:41:23,921
how can the United States help you?
1040
00:41:30,379 --> 00:41:32,712
(music playing)
1041
00:41:32,713 --> 00:41:35,087
Good afternoon, I'm Michael McLintock,
1042
00:41:35,088 --> 00:41:37,920
with live coverage of the
funeral of Selina Meyer,
1043
00:41:37,921 --> 00:41:40,087
America's first woman president.
1044
00:41:40,088 --> 00:41:42,879
While she may have only
served one full term,
1045
00:41:42,880 --> 00:41:44,587
Meyer is fondly remembered
1046
00:41:44,588 --> 00:41:46,753
for briefly freeing what was once known
1047
00:41:46,754 --> 00:41:48,503
as the nation of Tibet,
1048
00:41:48,504 --> 00:41:51,962
as well as for permanently
overturning same-sex marriage.
1049
00:41:51,963 --> 00:41:54,753
The former president passed
away earlier this week
1050
00:41:54,754 --> 00:41:57,753
at the age of 76 or possibly 77
1051
00:41:57,754 --> 00:41:59,920
or, according to some sources, 75.
1052
00:41:59,921 --> 00:42:01,837
After lying in state in the Capitol,
1053
00:42:01,838 --> 00:42:05,004
her casket made the journey
to her final resting place:
1054
00:42:05,005 --> 00:42:07,087
the Selina Meyer Presidential Library
1055
00:42:07,088 --> 00:42:09,963
at Smith College in
Northampton, Massachusetts.
1056
00:42:12,337 --> 00:42:14,962
Among the dignitaries personally
selected by Selina Meyer
1057
00:42:14,963 --> 00:42:18,545
to sit in the front row
are many former rivals
1058
00:42:18,546 --> 00:42:21,671
in a Meyer-esque gesture
of grace and good will.
1059
00:42:23,212 --> 00:42:24,753
Former President Laura Montez,
1060
00:42:24,754 --> 00:42:26,087
the Dalai Lama,
1061
00:42:26,088 --> 00:42:28,128
former Vice President Andrew Doyle,
1062
00:42:28,129 --> 00:42:30,336
former two-term President Kemi Talbot,
1063
00:42:30,337 --> 00:42:31,837
who will deliver her eulogy...
1064
00:42:31,838 --> 00:42:33,420
How does Mike have more hair than I do?
1065
00:42:33,421 --> 00:42:35,879
Maybe because he has two testicles.
1066
00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:37,295
JONAH: Montez looks
good. I'd still do her.
1067
00:42:37,296 --> 00:42:38,837
BETH: Count me in.
1068
00:42:38,838 --> 00:42:40,962
I didn't want to go to that
stupid funeral anyway.
1069
00:42:40,963 --> 00:42:42,926
Then it's a good thing
you got impeached,
1070
00:42:42,928 --> 00:42:44,348
they didn't have to invite you.
1071
00:42:44,349 --> 00:42:46,712
- Catherine, you're missing it!
- Coming!
1072
00:42:46,713 --> 00:42:48,795
You know, Richard, there
are few things in life
1073
00:42:48,796 --> 00:42:50,795
more difficult than
the loss of a parent.
1074
00:42:50,796 --> 00:42:53,378
Who wants margaritas? Ha!
1075
00:42:53,379 --> 00:42:55,420
- Over here.
- What did I miss?
1076
00:42:55,421 --> 00:42:57,295
MIKE: The Presidential
motorcade has arrived,
1077
00:42:57,296 --> 00:42:59,712
and here comes President
of the United States
1078
00:42:59,713 --> 00:43:01,461
Richard Splett and the First Lady,
1079
00:43:01,462 --> 00:43:03,378
Annette Splett, somber but elegant,
1080
00:43:03,379 --> 00:43:06,253
basking in the glow of a
landslide re-election
1081
00:43:06,254 --> 00:43:09,670
following President Splett's
historic three-state solution
1082
00:43:09,671 --> 00:43:11,253
Middle East peace agreement,
1083
00:43:11,254 --> 00:43:13,712
for which he won the Nobel Prize.
1084
00:43:18,004 --> 00:43:19,461
MOURNERS: Amen.
1085
00:43:19,462 --> 00:43:23,170
We have 40 head of alpaca
now, 17 on the way.
1086
00:43:23,171 --> 00:43:25,336
My daughter's stepping down from NASA
1087
00:43:25,337 --> 00:43:28,712
to take over the ranch so I
can focus on my watch-making.
1088
00:43:28,713 --> 00:43:31,503
We didn't have kids. Best
decision we ever made.
1089
00:43:31,504 --> 00:43:32,879
Best. Best.
1090
00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:34,837
Our greyhounds are our kids.
1091
00:43:34,838 --> 00:43:37,295
Kent, do you still keep in
touch with Ben's widow?
1092
00:43:37,296 --> 00:43:38,753
- I forget her name.
- No.
1093
00:43:38,754 --> 00:43:40,336
Betcha Ben did too.
1094
00:43:40,337 --> 00:43:42,837
Amazing he hung on as long
as he did, the fat fuck.
1095
00:43:42,838 --> 00:43:44,879
- Excuse me.
- Sorry.
1096
00:43:44,880 --> 00:43:47,004
- How long's it been, Ames?
- Dan.
1097
00:43:47,005 --> 00:43:50,253
I think the last time I saw you,
your wife was being born.
1098
00:43:50,254 --> 00:43:53,004
2019, yeah. Oh, and by the way,
1099
00:43:53,005 --> 00:43:55,670
if you guys ever want to buy
or sell a piece of property
1100
00:43:55,671 --> 00:43:58,545
in the Laguna Beach area, I'm
your guy. That's my cell.
1101
00:43:58,546 --> 00:44:01,277
You losers waitin' around to
make sure she's actually dead
1102
00:44:01,279 --> 00:44:02,712
while you sit in the back row
1103
00:44:02,713 --> 00:44:04,962
suckin' on hard candies like what, Will?
1104
00:44:04,963 --> 00:44:07,712
Uh... I like jizz.
1105
00:44:07,713 --> 00:44:10,128
Ah, shit. He ain't what he used to be.
1106
00:44:10,129 --> 00:44:12,295
Holy shit. Ames.
1107
00:44:12,296 --> 00:44:13,962
Check it out.
1108
00:44:13,963 --> 00:44:16,795
I didn't think he'd show.
1109
00:44:16,796 --> 00:44:18,587
I heard she never visited him.
1110
00:44:18,588 --> 00:44:20,420
Just keep walking.
1111
00:44:20,421 --> 00:44:22,462
(takes deep breath)
1112
00:44:25,754 --> 00:44:28,045
You'd hate the flowers.
1113
00:44:28,046 --> 00:44:29,712
But I...
1114
00:44:31,570 --> 00:44:33,546
I brought the Dubonnet.
1115
00:44:46,754 --> 00:44:49,087
("Veep" theme music playing)
1116
00:44:49,088 --> 00:44:51,336
(metallic clattering)
1117
00:44:51,337 --> 00:44:54,087
MIKE: And it looks like the soldiers
are having a little trouble.
1118
00:44:54,088 --> 00:44:55,795
They're fumbling around the crypt,
1119
00:44:55,796 --> 00:44:57,920
but they cannot seem to get
it to respond in any way.
1120
00:44:57,921 --> 00:44:59,587
Typical.
1121
00:45:07,254 --> 00:45:08,837
But now they've got it...
1122
00:45:08,838 --> 00:45:11,879
and there she goes,
sliding right in there.
1123
00:45:11,880 --> 00:45:15,253
We will have more coverage of the
funeral of President Selina Meyer.
1124
00:45:15,254 --> 00:45:17,900
But first, as someone who
served with President Meyer
1125
00:45:17,902 --> 00:45:19,295
for over two decades,
1126
00:45:19,296 --> 00:45:22,753
I feel I'd be remiss if I did not
offer my own heartfelt eulogy
1127
00:45:22,754 --> 00:45:26,211
to a president who many
feel was very underrated
1128
00:45:26,212 --> 00:45:27,838
and deserved m...
1129
00:45:28,879 --> 00:45:30,837
I'm sorry. Breaking news.
1130
00:45:30,838 --> 00:45:32,336
I've just been told
1131
00:45:32,337 --> 00:45:35,795
that four-time Academy Award-
winning actor Tom Hanks
1132
00:45:35,796 --> 00:45:37,962
has died at the age of 88.
1133
00:45:37,963 --> 00:45:41,087
The star of such Hollywood films
as "Big," "Forrest Gump,"
1134
00:45:41,088 --> 00:45:43,420
"Philadelphia" and "Philadelphia 2"
1135
00:45:43,421 --> 00:45:46,378
passed away in his Bel Air
home after a long illness,
1136
00:45:46,379 --> 00:45:48,753
surrounded by his loving family.
1137
00:45:48,754 --> 00:45:51,461
Husband of actress Rita Wilson
and father of four children,
1138
00:45:51,462 --> 00:45:53,170
Hanks was often considered
1139
00:45:53,171 --> 00:45:55,587
the finest actor of his generation,
1140
00:45:55,588 --> 00:45:58,045
an American everyman who
could leap effortlessly
1141
00:45:58,046 --> 00:45:59,962
between comedy and drama,
1142
00:45:59,963 --> 00:46:02,712
and moved audiences both young and old.
1143
00:46:02,713 --> 00:46:05,253
Today the world mourns the loss
1144
00:46:05,254 --> 00:46:07,838
of this towering and beloved figure.
1145
00:46:10,004 --> 00:46:13,503
Let's take a look at the
storied career of Tom Hanks,
1146
00:46:13,504 --> 00:46:14,879
American icon.
86941
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