All language subtitles for The.Kids.Are.Alright.S01E20.HDTV.x264-KILLERS.HI.C

MAN: We're looking at about
three months in that cast.

I wish that troublemaker
Garcon Fernandez

never set foot in Springfield Springs.

Although he's a top-notch surgeon,

especially for someone
with an eye patch.

Mm. Mommy? Does everyone
have an evil twin?

Oh, Pat. [PATS LEG]

If anything, you're the evil
twin and the good Pat is out

- making some other family very happy.
- [DOOR OPENS]

I dropped those old magazines
off at the hospital for you.

Switched them out for these newer ones.

"Eight fun projects for
moms and their kids."

Go work on some of these.

And don't come running to me for help.

Also got this.

I ran into a guy from work.

He and his wife just had a baby.

- Idiots.
- I know, right?

[CHUCKLES]

You don't smoke cigars.

I don't read "Family Circle" either,

but I'll take one home if it's free.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Guess who else I saw out by
the hospital this morning?

- Hm?
- Joey.

What do you suppose that
chucklehead is up to?

Nothing good if history is prologue.

Geez Louise, Frank.

I should tie a bell around your neck.

Real tight.

So where exactly was Joey this morning?

I think it was the corner of

"mind your own business"

and "nobody likes a snitch."

That sounds like a dicey neighborhood.

I need to borrow the car
and your Polaroid camera.

[SIGHS]

Fine.

But no more pictures
of the Millers' dog.

He's not a wolf,

and the city is tired of
calling you about it.

That will be one sweet "I told you so"

when Snowball eats a baby.

ADULT TIMMY: Normally, I wouldn't
consider doing crafts in my bedroom

for fear of getting
glue on the sheets...

[INHALES SHARPLY] Oh, crud.

... and the resulting
thumping from my mom,

but I had good reason to try

and keep my latest project top secret.

Hi, I'm Jimmy Dreary,

the only fun and talented
member of the Dreary Family.

[AS PEGGY] Nobody in this house
is allowed to be fun or talented!

We can't afford it!

As you can see, the TV
show you are watching now

was not my first attempt

- to exploit my family for comedy.
- [LAUGHTER]

[AS MIKE] Hey, don't yell at the kid.

I want to do it. I was in the war!

I chose the library for my venue,

figuring no one at home
would find out about it,

- given my mom's general disdain for books...
- [DOOR OPENS]

... and the people who read them.

But my family had a few
rogue intellectuals.

[AS BILLY] I'm Billiam, and I'm
the dork in the Dreary Family.

- WOMAN: Come on, honey.
- Congratulations on the show.

Or should I say
"unauthorized hatchet-job"?

Okay, please don't tell Mom and Dad.

You guys weren't supposed to see this.

Didn't you consider that

the "weird know-it-all
brother, Billiam,"

who practically lives at the library,

might be at the library?

Hanging out in the...
how did you put it...

"'I am a nerd with no friends' section"?

Read the disclaimer on the
side of my puppet stage.

"Any similarity to
persons living or dead

is purely coincidental

and a tribute to excellent puppetry."

Legally, you can't touch me.

♪

PEGGY: Mike, can I see you a minute?

Unfortunately, my mom found
the glue on my sheet,

but hilariously, her mind went
to a very different place.

I pulled this sheet off of
Timmy's bed this morning,

and... well...

just look at it.

Why? What am I looking at? Oh.

You're looking at
disgusting "boy-activity."

What are we gonna do about this?

I guess put the soap in
and press the buttons?

I don't want to know this about Timmy.

He still has bath toys, for Pete's sake.

Well, now he has a different bath toy.

This is unacceptable, Mike.

You tell him to knock it off.

Well, that's not something I want to do.

Hey, we have eight children.

All we do is stuff we don't want to do.

This was an uncomfortable
area for my dad

because he knew a bit
more about this activity

than he was eager to admit with my mom.

Eddie?

Eddie, where'd you go?

EDDIE: [MUFFLED] Oh,
I'm... I'm in here, Dad.

Just making a phone call.

♪

All right.

♪

[QUIETLY] I just found two more spots.

Either you say something
to Timmy or I will.

Fine. I'll speak to the boy.

I had to pull my church
blouse out of there

'cause I didn't want it mixed
up with Timmy's business.

He didn't think my mom
could understand because,

in Dad's mind... in all our minds...

she was immune to such impulses.

[WASHING MACHINE RATTLING]

If my mother ever did indulge,

she did so with an absolute
lack of awareness or guilt.

[SIGHS]

[WASHING MACHINE CLANKING]

[GLASS RATTLING]

[BOX THUDS]

Having seen him steal Dad's cigar,

Frank followed Joey,

eager to catch him in some
cigar-related mischief.

The old people only made Joey's behavior

that much more intriguing.

Another piece of the puzzle.

And nursing homes have lots of puzzles.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS, COUGHING]

One more bite, Mrs. Evans.

Let's make that last
tooth earn its keep.

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

- [CAMERA WHIRS]
- There's my girl.

Flash me that pearly white.

- Here you go.
- [CAMERA WHIRS]

Be sure to switch off the oxygen

- before you light that up.
- Mm-hmm.

DARLENE: Joey.

It's time for Mr. Franklin's bath.

Well, we can skip the bubbles,

because Mr. Franklin makes his own.

♪

Joey is being kind to old people?

Old people can be a lot of fun,

and they always seem to remember

"when this was all orange groves."

I find it hard to believe

that Joey is suddenly a decent person.

You're being judgmental.

You can't know what's
in somebody's heart.

I once saw two men dressed
as Easter Bunnies

pummel each other outside
of a nursery school.

On the one hand, they
give eggs to children.

On the other hand, tremendous violence.

See?

No.

People and bunnies are complicated.

And when you make them mad,

they can both get racist.

♪

[CARTOON PLAYS ON TELEVISION]

[SIGHS]

How about you and me going out back?

Play a little catch.

This was a startling
request from my father,

who had never before initiated
any sports activity with me.

Was he dying?

Or worse... was I dying?

♪

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Well, look who got her
hair done, you foxy mama.

You'll be short-circuiting
pacemakers tonight.

You smooth-talker.

Oh, Mr. Hollis knows what I mean.

I bet things get pretty
freaky-deaky around here

when the lights go out at 7:00.

Ah, Frank.

Why are you here?

I followed you.

- Because I was...
- Nosy.

A weasel-faced loser.
Have no life of your own.

I'll admit, when I discovered you

volunteering at a nursing home,

I figured you must be up to no good,

like maybe stealing catheters

to sell on the black market.

I knew a guy who bought a
boat selling catheters.

People who need catheters
really need catheters.

They don't haggle.

I then realized, shockingly,

that you were just being
a very nice person.

You try acting like this "cool cat,"

but doing good deeds for others
with no thought of reward...

[CHUCKLES] that is the coolest
thing any cat can do.

It's no use trying to tell
Joey he's a decent person.

He'll just say something mean

to try to cover up what a softy he is.

Angela, this is my
stupid brother, Frank.

I'm going to need a hand giving
Mr. Anders a bath again.

- [SCOFFS]
- Yesterday, we had to wrestle him

- into the tub.
- Old coot forgot to take

his seizure medication.

- [LAUGHS]
- Our clothes got soaking wet.

They certainly did.

Angela and I had to lie out in
the sun together to dry off.

I fell asleep for a while.

I know. I watched you.

Just to keep the bees off.

A gentleman.

♪

[COUGHING]

You're doing a great job there, Angela.

Mrs. Persky, if you're
hanging on, don't.

That is a hairdo for meeting Jesus.

Don't you listen to him, Mrs. Persky.

That's how he flirts.

[CHUCKLES]

I knew it.

You're not here to be
a decent human being.

You just want to get your
jollies off with Angela,

who is a million times too good for you.

[CHUCKLES] Of course she is.

Bad girls are fun, but
turning a good girl bad...

that's when they write songs about you.

I wrote a song about you already.

It's called "Joey is Despicable."

I prefer the B-side to that one...

"Joey Makes Out With Angela."

Yesterday, during Mr. Anders' seizure,

I almost made my move.

But then the paramedics showed up

and killed the vibe.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SIGHS]

You're a regular Don Drysdale.

Yeah, he was great when he guest-starred

on "The Brady Bunch."

He's got a natural,
nuanced acting style.

That's sort of my stock-in-trade.

I know him more from
baseball. [CHUCKLES]

So, listen, your mom was
doing your laundry today...

She finally washed my cape.

- [BALL THUDS]
- I'm down to my rehearsal cape,

and people are starting to comment.

That's not what they're commenting on.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

Here's the thing.

Your mom told me to talk to you about...

... something I really
don't want to tell you.

I knew it! She shrunk my cape, didn't...

No, it's not about the cape, okay?

But look, she's not gonna let up

until she thinks I talked
to you about this thing,

so we're gonna take this ball

and toss it back and forth

and make it look like
a good conversation.

And then we'll go
inside, and you'll say,

"Great talk, Dad,"
right in front of her.

- You got it?
- Yeah.

So my motivation is we had a great talk.

As long as you say the words.

- That was a fantastic conversation, Father.
- [DOOR CLOSES]

[WHISPERING] I apologize. I
kind of put my own spin on it.

Mr. Avery, you left your teeth
on your breakfast tray.

You'll need them for lunch.

We're having ribs and corn on the cob.

I don't know who's planning these menus.

- [CHUCKLES]
- You'll have to help him

get those chompers in.

And you might want to
pick out the spinach.

Frank, Mrs. Porter needs
her toenails cut.

[INHALES SHARPLY] Ooh,
Mrs. Porter's talons.

I noticed they were getting long

when they cut through
her shower slippers.

She's asleep, so now's a good time.

Be careful not to startle her.

Our last volunteer needed stitches.

I'll miss Mrs. Porter's claws.

You can always hear her
when the mailman comes,

tap-tapping across the tile floor.

♪

My dad was having second thoughts

about his "talk" with me.

Sure, he got my mom off his back,

but he hadn't actually told me

to stop doing the thing
I wasn't even doing.

Hey, Timmy,

[MUFFLED] why is this door closed?

I just wanted a little alone time.

It was then my dad decided
to quit fooling around

and handle things the way he
should have in the first place.

You're asking me to tell
Timmy to stop doing it?

We all know that's not gonna happen.

But he should at least
have the good sense

to be ashamed about it.

I'm not interested in
making him feel shame.

Why not? Shame is good.

It's the only thing
stopping this activity

from taking over his life.

It's hard enough getting
Timmy to do his homework.

I don't want to give him a complex.

Shame does a lot of damage to society.

It's the reason we have society.

If Adam and Eve hadn't felt ashamed,

nobody would've invented pants.

Because we had pants, we needed closets.

Closets led to houses.
Houses led to towns.

Boom, we're on the moon
before the Russians.

Shame also leads to hang-ups.

Our culture's too repressed about sex.

For my money,

we're not repressed enough.

"Sock it to me, baby. I'm on the pill."

Everybody "lettin' it all hang out."

I say tuck it back in.

Especially in front of your mother.

She doesn't need to
know about that stuff.

He does need to be more
considerate of Mom.

Exactly, she's the one who has to deal

with the sheets around here.

And the towels.

And the vacuum cleaner attachments.

[CHUCKLES]

FRANK: You're one of God's creatures.

- [NAIL CLIPPERS SNAP]
- You're one of God's creatures.

I mean, one of his weirder ones,

like one you'd find in Australia.

ANGELA: I heard you got
stuck with this grody job.

- I don't mind.
- Tell you what.

I'll start on the other hoof.

Oh, poor Mrs. Porter.

Every day, she gets shorter

and these things just get longer.

[SNAP]

You are a very good person, Angela.

- Aww.
- [SNAP]

You too, Frank.

- [SNAP]
- Yes, that is my curse.

Which is why I must
tell you something...

- [SNAP]
- ... that you won't want to hear

about Joey.

What, that he's trying to jump my bones?

[SCOFFS] Believe me,

I've known slick operators
like Joey my whole life.

- [SNAP]
- I know what all boys want.

I don't want it.

I mean, until I'm in a
committed relationship

- sanctioned by God and my mother.
- [SNAP]

Maybe we shouldn't be talking like this.

- [SNAP]
- I've overstepped, and I apologize.

No, I'm just worried about

- getting a toenail in my mouth.
- [SNAP]

- [CHUCKLES]
- Trust me,

nothing is going to happen
between me and Joey.

[CHUCKLES] He'll be
crushed. May I tell him?

I'd rather you didn't.

It's what's keeping him motivated.

Joey's good with the oldsters here.

They love him... even the
ones who don't think

- he's a neighbor boy from their childhood.
- [SNAP]

So he is doing a good
deed for no reward.

He just doesn't know it.

Unlike you,

- who's here for the right reasons...
- [CHUCKLES]

... and even wanted to warn me

- about your brother.
- [SNAP]

You are a sweetheart, Frank,

and much more the kind of boy

I'm interested in getting involved with.

♪

Uh...

Uh, I should go get a
broom to sweep these up.

They could pop the tire on a wheelchair.

That's the lavatory! [GROANS]

♪

Hey, little man!

- You got a sec?
- What's up?

[SIGHS, CLICKS TONGUE]

Here.

You might want to start
keeping a box by your bed.

In case I have to blow my nose?

Or any other use

you have no reason to
be embarrassed about.

- You're right.
- [CHUCKLES]

I can make tissue ghosts out of these.

Or... whatever else

- you feel the urge to do.
- Oooh!

- Oooh!
- Uh, what is important

- is that you feel good about yourself.
- Whoo-oo!

I feel great about myself.

I made this spooky guy
in, like, two seconds,

and it looks totally real.

- Yeah.
- Oooh!

Timmy, just listen.

- Whoo... oo-oo!
- Timmy... Okay, yeah...

- Okay, Timmy, just...
- Boo!

Cut it out.

Look, I know about your
new secret activity.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Did that rat William tell you?

No.

You've been a little messy with it,

and it's not fair to Mom, who
has to clean up after you.

- Mom knows?
- I don't think so...

- No, no, no.
- ... yet.

Mom can't know.

Well, there's no reason she has to.

But you know about it, and
you're not mad at me?

God, no! It's beautiful and natural.

I did the same thing
when I was your age.

I doubt with the same
level of pageantry.

That's the spirit! Celebrate
yourself, brother.

Just, you know,

do your best to keep it private.

But the whole point is
having an audience.

An audience?

I really feed off their energy.

I got a good reaction when
I did it at the library.

But they insisted I do it quietly

and only in the children's section.

Stop.

What are you talking about?

My puppet show.

And you're right, it is
natural and beautiful.

I'm gonna quote you in my flyer.

[CHUCKLES]

EDDIE: What were the toenails like?

Were they like... ?

Pointier, more like Doritos.

Gross.

And then this girl just... kissed me,

bold as you please.

And I don't even know her middle name.

Unreal, Frank!

Your first kiss.

It's not my first kiss.

After her Mediterranean cruise,

Mrs. Strausser and I started doing

this sort of European greeting thing.

Elderly cheek kisses with
your neighbor don't count.

I guess it was my first kiss then.

I'll have to tell my future
wife these lips have a past.

Maybe you'll end up with Angela.

Right, a girl who pounces on me

10 minutes after we meet?

Nice try, Mary Magdalene.

Go peddle your goodies elsewhere.

You said you liked her.

I do.

She's fun, and... and
she's so confident.

But how do you respect a girl

who just goes around
kissing people willy-nilly?

Look...

every person is lots of things...

some good things, some not-so-good,

and sometimes all mixed up.

You don't want to be too quick to judge,

especially yourself.

- Another piece of advice?
- Sure.

Start seeing less of Ol' Lady Strausser.

Let her down easy,

but that's more about her
hip than anything else.

♪

Now that I knew some of my
family were catching on,

I took Lawrence's warning about
not leaving a mess for Mom.

♪

Hey, hon!

The dead raccoon is still in the street

in front of the apartment building.

That's the problem with renters...

no pride of ownership.

I found this Sears
Catalog in Timmy's room,

and look what he did to it.

The pages are all stuck together.

- Oh, boy.
- And for some odd reason,

it's "women's coats."

Well, at that age, it
doesn't take a lot.

What are we supposed to do, Mike?

Get rid of everything
with a woman's picture?

"Hide the Mrs. Butterworth's bottle.

Timmy's on the make."

Well, if they produced a better syrup,

they wouldn't need to sex it up.

The brass of that kid.

And after you gave him that talking-to,

he's still in there, guns a-blazin'.

[SIGHS] The thing is...

I didn't really talk to him, Peg.

You were out there throwing a ball

for twenty minutes with that klutz.

You better have talked to him,

'cause that was painful to watch.

I didn't bring it up with him

because I don't really agree with you.

You're saying we have
different opinions on this?

- I am.
- Oh, I guess one of us

wants our kids to grow up to
be solid, tax-paying citizens

when the other one wants them ending up

in a sex-maniac ward at the nuthouse.

Look, if we overreact,

- we might give him "a complex," okay?
- [SIGHS]

- [LAUGHS]
- Look, what Timmy is doing is normal.

Every boy does it.

It's part of being a man.

Do you do it?

[CHUCKLES] No.

Of course not.

But I'm the exception.

And this may come as a shock,

but I'm pretty sure our older boys

are blazin' their guns, as well.

- [GROANS]
- They're doing it, it's part of life,

and, honestly, it's
none of our business.

None of our business?

Are we even raising these kids anymore?

Yeah, but when they cross that line

into stuff that makes
us sick to our stomach,

it's time to give them some privacy.

Or I could just teach our
child some self-control.

Privacy.

Like we're one of those
hoity-toity families

with a lock on the bathroom door.

[AS MIKE] Check out this microwave

I brought home, kids.

I like it more than I like any of you.

MIKE: [MUFFLED] Son, your mom and I

and our open eyes are coming in.

Honestly, there's no way
he's at it again...

[SIGHS]

One cup detergent, hot
water, regular cycle.

- It's your turn.
- [SIGHS]

Hey, can you guys come back later?

I was thinking of taking a nap.

- Oh, God.
- Well, it does make you sleepy, Peg.

- What?
- What are we all talking about?

No, you don't. Get out, and stay out!

- Okay, geez!
- I know what you've been up to.

Mom, I really don't think you do.

Timmy, go ahead, show them
what's under those covers.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- No, no!

It's not what you guys think. Go ahead.

- There's no reason to hide it.
- Oh, my sweet and gentle Jesus.

Just my puppets.

And sorry, I got some
more glue on the sheets.

You've been in here
playing with puppets?

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Honestly,

and after all the fuss you made...

Hi, can I talk to Frank, please?

- [DOG BARKING]
- You can.

But it won't be fun or interesting.

Hey, Frank!

There's a pretty girl here to see you

for no discernible reason.

♪

Then you looked at me
horrified and just ran out.

I'm ready to call that a mistake.

It felt insulting after
Mrs. Porter's toenails

that me kissing you was the thing

that sent you screaming
out of that room.

If you'd be interested in
trying that kiss again,

I promise this time not to cry.

You cried?

What?

No. [CHUCKLES]

Isn't Frank the sly one?

I never pictured him as a lady-killer,

except maybe the kind
you see on the news.

Back away from the window, Peg.

If you think watching Timmy try
to play catch was painful...

We have seen a lot of
horrible things today.

I don't know, maybe you're right

about giving the kids more privacy.

Well, it's not so much
for them as for us.

Well, you should've said
that in the first place.

I'd have been onboard right away.

[CHUCKLING] God.

I feel really bad about the
way that I reacted today.

I can be pretty judgmental about girls,

thanks to my mother.

She set this impossible
standard of excellence.

The mean lady at the door?

Isn't she great?

What you did bugged me so much,

I couldn't just let it go.

I don't like to let that stuff build up.

It might make me do something crazy.

Crazy... like kissing
me again right now,

when I'm totally braced for it?

More like vandalism...

or shoplifting...

or burning my boyfriend's car.

You have a boyfriend?

Ex-boyfriend.

He loved that car.

You should know, Frank,

I don't volunteer at the nursing
home just out of kindness.

It's court ordered for
juvenile offenders.

Juvenile offend...

I'm not judging.

Although it sounds like
there was a judge involved.

I am on a better path now,

but if you can't handle a kiss,

you will definitely freak out
over the rest of the package.

A lot of guys have left me

feeling pretty bad about myself...

A lot of guys?

Not judging. Don't burn my car.

I am not putting myself
through that again.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Angela.

Hi, Joey.

Angela.

Congrats, man.

Gotta say, I'm impressed.

And not too proud

to extend my hand when
the better man wins.

I blew it.

She told me she's not interested.

And the world makes sense once again.

♪

I keep thinking how we're
gonna have to relive

that filthy milestone
with three more kids.

Four.

Timmy didn't know what the hell
we were talking about today.

[GROANS]

Men are animals.

[INDISTINCT TALKING, WOOD
CHOPPING ON TELEVISION]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

I'm gonna have to go

and put a load in the wash.

That woman is a saint.

- Synced & corrected by MementMori -
-- www.addic7ed.com --