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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,010 --> 00:00:02,179 We're looking at about three months in that cast. 2 00:00:02,180 --> 00:00:04,579 I wish that troublemaker Garcon Fernandez 3 00:00:04,580 --> 00:00:06,965 never set foot in Springfield Springs. 4 00:00:06,966 --> 00:00:08,989 Although he's a top-notch surgeon, 5 00:00:08,990 --> 00:00:10,449 especially for someone with an eye patch. 6 00:00:10,450 --> 00:00:12,989 Mm. Mommy? Does everyone have an evil twin? 7 00:00:12,990 --> 00:00:14,759 Oh, Pat. 8 00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,789 If anything, you're the evil twin and the good Pat is out 9 00:00:16,790 --> 00:00:18,499 making some other family very happy. 10 00:00:18,500 --> 00:00:20,937 I dropped those old magazines off at the hospital for you. 11 00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:23,314 Switched them out for these newer ones. 12 00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:25,814 "Eight fun projects for moms and their kids." 13 00:00:25,815 --> 00:00:26,859 Go work on some of these. 14 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,237 And don't come running to me for help. 15 00:00:28,238 --> 00:00:29,560 Also got this. 16 00:00:29,570 --> 00:00:30,739 I ran into a guy from work. 17 00:00:30,740 --> 00:00:32,031 He and his wife just had a baby. 18 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,539 - Idiots. - I know, right? 19 00:00:34,670 --> 00:00:36,202 You don't smoke cigars. 20 00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:38,449 I don't read "Family Circle" either, 21 00:00:38,450 --> 00:00:40,540 but I'll take one home if it's free. 22 00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:44,849 Guess who else I saw out by the hospital this morning? 23 00:00:44,850 --> 00:00:45,959 - Hm? - Joey. 24 00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:47,547 What do you suppose that chucklehead is up to? 25 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,465 Nothing good if history is prologue. 26 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:51,199 Geez Louise, Frank. 27 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,019 I should tie a bell around your neck. 28 00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:54,040 Real tight. 29 00:00:54,820 --> 00:00:57,299 So where exactly was Joey this morning? 30 00:00:57,300 --> 00:00:58,640 I think it was the corner of 31 00:00:58,650 --> 00:00:59,680 "mind your own business" 32 00:00:59,690 --> 00:01:01,102 and "nobody likes a snitch." 33 00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:03,040 That sounds like a dicey neighborhood. 34 00:01:05,420 --> 00:01:07,519 I need to borrow the car and your Polaroid camera. 35 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:11,129 Fine. 36 00:01:11,130 --> 00:01:13,240 But no more pictures of the Millers' dog. 37 00:01:13,250 --> 00:01:14,479 He's not a wolf, 38 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:17,036 and the city is tired of calling you about it. 39 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,399 That will be one sweet "I told you so" 40 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:21,920 when Snowball eats a baby. 41 00:01:22,790 --> 00:01:24,959 Normally, I wouldn't consider doing crafts in my bedroom 42 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,859 for fear of getting glue on the sheets... 43 00:01:26,860 --> 00:01:28,980 Oh, crud. 44 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,260 ... and the resulting thumping from my mom, 45 00:01:31,270 --> 00:01:33,199 but I had good reason to try 46 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,890 and keep my latest project top secret. 47 00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:38,069 Hi, I'm Jimmy Dreary, 48 00:01:38,070 --> 00:01:41,509 the only fun and talented member of the Dreary Family. 49 00:01:41,510 --> 00:01:45,449 Nobody in this house is allowed to be fun or talented! 50 00:01:45,450 --> 00:01:46,840 We can't afford it! 51 00:01:46,860 --> 00:01:49,089 As you can see, the TV show you are watching now 52 00:01:49,090 --> 00:01:50,549 was not my first attempt 53 00:01:50,550 --> 00:01:52,659 to exploit my family for comedy. 54 00:01:52,660 --> 00:01:54,220 Hey, don't yell at the kid. 55 00:01:54,230 --> 00:01:56,359 I want to do it. I was in the war! 56 00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,449 I chose the library for my venue, 57 00:01:58,450 --> 00:02:00,929 figuring no one at home would find out about it, 58 00:02:00,930 --> 00:02:02,640 given my mom's general disdain for books... 59 00:02:02,650 --> 00:02:03,959 ... and the people who read them. 60 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,789 But my family had a few rogue intellectuals. 61 00:02:06,790 --> 00:02:10,419 I'm Billiam, and I'm the dork in the Dreary Family. 62 00:02:10,420 --> 00:02:12,959 - Come on, honey. - Congratulations on the show. 63 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,209 Or should I say "unauthorized hatchet-job"? 64 00:02:15,210 --> 00:02:17,270 Okay, please don't tell Mom and Dad. 65 00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:18,679 You guys weren't supposed to see this. 66 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:19,850 Didn't you consider that 67 00:02:19,860 --> 00:02:22,220 the "weird know-it-all brother, Billiam," 68 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,099 who practically lives at the library, 69 00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:25,940 might be at the library? 70 00:02:25,950 --> 00:02:28,119 Hanging out in the... how did you put it... 71 00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:30,220 "'I am a nerd with no friends' section"? 72 00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:32,900 Read the disclaimer on the side of my puppet stage. 73 00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,299 "Any similarity to persons living or dead 74 00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:37,400 is purely coincidental 75 00:02:37,410 --> 00:02:39,609 and a tribute to excellent puppetry." 76 00:02:39,610 --> 00:02:41,339 Legally, you can't touch me. 77 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,100 Mike, can I see you a minute? 78 00:02:47,110 --> 00:02:49,840 Unfortunately, my mom found the glue on my sheet, 79 00:02:49,850 --> 00:02:53,419 but hilariously, her mind went to a very different place. 80 00:02:53,420 --> 00:02:55,699 I pulled this sheet off of Timmy's bed this morning, 81 00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:57,159 and... well... 82 00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:58,169 just look at it. 83 00:02:58,170 --> 00:03:00,750 Why? What am I looking at? Oh. 84 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,429 You're looking at disgusting "boy-activity." 85 00:03:03,430 --> 00:03:04,889 What are we gonna do about this? 86 00:03:04,890 --> 00:03:08,679 I guess put the soap in and press the buttons? 87 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:09,980 I don't want to know this about Timmy. 88 00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,599 He still has bath toys, for Pete's sake. 89 00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,440 Well, now he has a different bath toy. 90 00:03:13,450 --> 00:03:14,719 This is unacceptable, Mike. 91 00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:15,859 You tell him to knock it off. 92 00:03:15,860 --> 00:03:17,899 Well, that's not something I want to do. 93 00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:19,609 Hey, we have eight children. 94 00:03:19,610 --> 00:03:21,060 All we do is stuff we don't want to do. 95 00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:23,700 This was an uncomfortable area for my dad 96 00:03:23,710 --> 00:03:25,419 because he knew a bit more about this activity 97 00:03:25,420 --> 00:03:27,449 than he was eager to admit with my mom. 98 00:03:27,450 --> 00:03:29,689 Eddie? 99 00:03:29,690 --> 00:03:31,079 Eddie, where'd you go? 100 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:32,560 Oh, I'm... I'm in here, Dad. 101 00:03:32,570 --> 00:03:33,820 Just making a phone call. 102 00:03:38,290 --> 00:03:39,499 All right. 103 00:03:41,850 --> 00:03:43,589 I just found two more spots. 104 00:03:43,590 --> 00:03:45,679 Either you say something to Timmy or I will. 105 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,769 Fine. I'll speak to the boy. 106 00:03:47,770 --> 00:03:49,260 I had to pull my church blouse out of there 107 00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:51,430 'cause I didn't want it mixed up with Timmy's business. 108 00:03:52,610 --> 00:03:54,679 He didn't think my mom could understand because, 109 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,219 in Dad's mind... in all our minds... 110 00:03:56,220 --> 00:03:58,063 she was immune to such impulses. 111 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,449 If my mother ever did indulge, 112 00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:05,319 she did so with an absolute lack of awareness or guilt. 113 00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,959 Having seen him steal Dad's cigar, 114 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,049 Frank followed Joey, 115 00:04:21,050 --> 00:04:23,660 eager to catch him in some cigar-related mischief. 116 00:04:23,670 --> 00:04:25,639 The old people only made Joey's behavior 117 00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,169 that much more intriguing. 118 00:04:27,170 --> 00:04:29,140 Another piece of the puzzle. 119 00:04:30,140 --> 00:04:32,769 And nursing homes have lots of puzzles. 120 00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,549 One more bite, Mrs. Evans. 121 00:04:37,550 --> 00:04:39,200 Let's make that last tooth earn its keep. 122 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:42,619 There's my girl. 123 00:04:42,620 --> 00:04:44,109 Flash me that pearly white. 124 00:04:44,110 --> 00:04:47,119 Here you go. 125 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,269 Be sure to switch off the oxygen 126 00:04:48,270 --> 00:04:49,279 - before you light that up. - Mm-hmm. 127 00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:50,460 Joey. 128 00:04:50,470 --> 00:04:52,199 It's time for Mr. Franklin's bath. 129 00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:53,759 Well, we can skip the bubbles, 130 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,039 because Mr. Franklin makes his own. 131 00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:01,169 Joey is being kind to old people? 132 00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:02,709 Old people can be a lot of fun, 133 00:05:02,710 --> 00:05:04,560 and they always seem to remember 134 00:05:04,570 --> 00:05:07,259 "when this was all orange groves." 135 00:05:07,260 --> 00:05:08,539 I find it hard to believe 136 00:05:08,540 --> 00:05:10,849 that Joey is suddenly a decent person. 137 00:05:10,850 --> 00:05:12,139 You're being judgmental. 138 00:05:12,140 --> 00:05:14,079 You can't know what's in somebody's heart. 139 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,439 I once saw two men dressed as Easter Bunnies 140 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,689 pummel each other outside of a nursery school. 141 00:05:18,690 --> 00:05:21,340 On the one hand, they give eggs to children. 142 00:05:21,350 --> 00:05:23,940 On the other hand, tremendous violence. 143 00:05:23,950 --> 00:05:25,790 See? 144 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:26,819 No. 145 00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:28,869 People and bunnies are complicated. 146 00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:30,219 And when you make them mad, 147 00:05:30,220 --> 00:05:32,119 they can both get racist. 148 00:05:38,710 --> 00:05:40,610 How about you and me going out back? 149 00:05:42,150 --> 00:05:43,509 Play a little catch. 150 00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:45,519 This was a startling request from my father, 151 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:48,489 who had never before initiated any sports activity with me. 152 00:05:48,490 --> 00:05:49,849 Was he dying? 153 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:52,540 Or worse... was I dying? 154 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,979 Well, look who got her hair done, you foxy mama. 155 00:05:59,980 --> 00:06:02,149 You'll be short-circuiting pacemakers tonight. 156 00:06:02,150 --> 00:06:04,119 You smooth-talker. 157 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,570 Oh, Mr. Hollis knows what I mean. 158 00:06:06,580 --> 00:06:08,609 I bet things get pretty freaky-deaky around here 159 00:06:08,610 --> 00:06:09,949 when the lights go out at 7:00. 160 00:06:09,950 --> 00:06:11,939 Ah, Frank. 161 00:06:11,940 --> 00:06:13,039 Why are you here? 162 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,109 I followed you. 163 00:06:14,110 --> 00:06:15,289 - Because I was... - Nosy. 164 00:06:15,290 --> 00:06:17,329 A weasel-faced loser. Have no life of your own. 165 00:06:17,330 --> 00:06:19,219 I'll admit, when I discovered you 166 00:06:19,220 --> 00:06:21,369 volunteering at a nursing home, 167 00:06:21,370 --> 00:06:23,519 I figured you must be up to no good, 168 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:25,759 like maybe stealing catheters 169 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:26,919 to sell on the black market. 170 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,029 I knew a guy who bought a boat selling catheters. 171 00:06:29,030 --> 00:06:31,839 People who need catheters really need catheters. 172 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:32,849 They don't haggle. 173 00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:34,629 I then realized, shockingly, 174 00:06:34,630 --> 00:06:36,559 that you were just being a very nice person. 175 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,569 You try acting like this "cool cat," 176 00:06:39,570 --> 00:06:42,269 but doing good deeds for others with no thought of reward... 177 00:06:42,270 --> 00:06:45,179 that is the coolest thing any cat can do. 178 00:06:45,180 --> 00:06:48,400 It's no use trying to tell Joey he's a decent person. 179 00:06:48,410 --> 00:06:49,449 He'll just say something mean 180 00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:52,240 to try to cover up what a softy he is. 181 00:06:52,260 --> 00:06:54,699 Angela, this is my stupid brother, Frank. 182 00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:57,409 I'm going to need a hand giving Mr. Anders a bath again. 183 00:06:57,410 --> 00:06:58,779 Yesterday, we had to wrestle him 184 00:06:58,780 --> 00:07:00,679 - into the tub. - Old coot forgot to take 185 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:01,999 his seizure medication. 186 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,709 Our clothes got soaking wet. 187 00:07:03,710 --> 00:07:04,919 They certainly did. 188 00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:07,439 Angela and I had to lie out in the sun together to dry off. 189 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:08,449 I fell asleep for a while. 190 00:07:08,450 --> 00:07:11,069 I know. I watched you. 191 00:07:11,070 --> 00:07:12,549 Just to keep the bees off. 192 00:07:12,550 --> 00:07:13,699 A gentleman. 193 00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,709 You're doing a great job there, Angela. 194 00:07:21,710 --> 00:07:24,439 Mrs. Persky, if you're hanging on, don't. 195 00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,319 That is a hairdo for meeting Jesus. 196 00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,349 Don't you listen to him, Mrs. Persky. 197 00:07:28,350 --> 00:07:29,619 That's how he flirts. 198 00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:33,159 I knew it. 199 00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,189 You're not here to be a decent human being. 200 00:07:35,190 --> 00:07:37,159 You just want to get your jollies off with Angela, 201 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,059 who is a million times too good for you. 202 00:07:39,060 --> 00:07:40,529 Of course she is. 203 00:07:40,530 --> 00:07:43,469 Bad girls are fun, but turning a good girl bad... 204 00:07:43,470 --> 00:07:44,839 that's when they write songs about you. 205 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,460 I wrote a song about you already. 206 00:07:46,470 --> 00:07:48,629 It's called "Joey is Despicable." 207 00:07:48,630 --> 00:07:50,169 I prefer the B-side to that one... 208 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,879 "Joey Makes Out With Angela." 209 00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:53,509 Yesterday, during Mr. Anders' seizure, 210 00:07:53,510 --> 00:07:54,879 I almost made my move. 211 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,349 But then the paramedics showed up 212 00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:57,929 and killed the vibe. 213 00:08:03,810 --> 00:08:05,779 You're a regular Don Drysdale. 214 00:08:05,780 --> 00:08:07,119 Yeah, he was great when he guest-starred 215 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,129 on "The Brady Bunch." 216 00:08:08,130 --> 00:08:10,109 He's got a natural, nuanced acting style. 217 00:08:10,110 --> 00:08:11,789 That's sort of my stock-in-trade. 218 00:08:11,790 --> 00:08:13,599 I know him more from baseball. 219 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:15,989 So, listen, your mom was doing your laundry today... 220 00:08:15,990 --> 00:08:17,769 She finally washed my cape. 221 00:08:17,770 --> 00:08:19,619 I'm down to my rehearsal cape, 222 00:08:19,620 --> 00:08:20,999 and people are starting to comment. 223 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,290 That's not what they're commenting on. 224 00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:27,749 Okay. 225 00:08:27,750 --> 00:08:28,880 Here's the thing. 226 00:08:29,740 --> 00:08:32,510 Your mom told me to talk to you about... 227 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:35,799 ... something I really don't want to tell you. 228 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,519 I knew it! She shrunk my cape, didn't... 229 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:41,389 No, it's not about the cape, okay? 230 00:08:41,390 --> 00:08:42,890 But look, she's not gonna let up 231 00:08:42,900 --> 00:08:45,189 until she thinks I talked to you about this thing, 232 00:08:45,190 --> 00:08:46,959 so we're gonna take this ball 233 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,109 and toss it back and forth 234 00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:50,129 and make it look like a good conversation. 235 00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:52,219 And then we'll go inside, and you'll say, 236 00:08:52,220 --> 00:08:54,669 "Great talk, Dad," right in front of her. 237 00:08:54,670 --> 00:08:55,739 - You got it? - Yeah. 238 00:08:55,740 --> 00:08:57,780 So my motivation is we had a great talk. 239 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:01,240 As long as you say the words. 240 00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,830 That was a fantastic conversation, Father. 241 00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,320 I apologize. I kind of put my own spin on it. 242 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,699 Mr. Avery, you left your teeth on your breakfast tray. 243 00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:17,729 You'll need them for lunch. 244 00:09:17,730 --> 00:09:19,549 We're having ribs and corn on the cob. 245 00:09:19,550 --> 00:09:21,639 I don't know who's planning these menus. 246 00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:22,719 You'll have to help him 247 00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:23,809 get those chompers in. 248 00:09:23,810 --> 00:09:25,779 And you might want to pick out the spinach. 249 00:09:25,780 --> 00:09:28,109 Frank, Mrs. Porter needs her toenails cut. 250 00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:30,849 Ooh, Mrs. Porter's talons. 251 00:09:30,850 --> 00:09:32,269 I noticed they were getting long 252 00:09:32,270 --> 00:09:33,719 when they cut through her shower slippers. 253 00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:36,519 She's asleep, so now's a good time. 254 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:37,899 Be careful not to startle her. 255 00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:39,659 Our last volunteer needed stitches. 256 00:09:39,660 --> 00:09:42,289 I'll miss Mrs. Porter's claws. 257 00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,819 You can always hear her when the mailman comes, 258 00:09:44,820 --> 00:09:47,330 tap-tapping across the tile floor. 259 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:58,169 My dad was having second thoughts 260 00:09:58,170 --> 00:09:59,439 about his "talk" with me. 261 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:01,169 Sure, he got my mom off his back, 262 00:10:01,170 --> 00:10:02,879 but he hadn't actually told me 263 00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,940 to stop doing the thing I wasn't even doing. 264 00:10:04,950 --> 00:10:06,299 Hey, Timmy, 265 00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:07,389 why is this door closed? 266 00:10:07,390 --> 00:10:09,939 I just wanted a little alone time. 267 00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:12,419 It was then my dad decided to quit fooling around 268 00:10:12,420 --> 00:10:15,689 and handle things the way he should have in the first place. 269 00:10:15,690 --> 00:10:18,430 You're asking me to tell Timmy to stop doing it? 270 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,159 We all know that's not gonna happen. 271 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:22,559 But he should at least have the good sense 272 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,489 to be ashamed about it. 273 00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:27,159 I'm not interested in making him feel shame. 274 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,099 Why not? Shame is good. 275 00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:30,859 It's the only thing stopping this activity 276 00:10:30,860 --> 00:10:32,369 from taking over his life. 277 00:10:32,370 --> 00:10:34,379 It's hard enough getting Timmy to do his homework. 278 00:10:34,380 --> 00:10:35,919 I don't want to give him a complex. 279 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,129 Shame does a lot of damage to society. 280 00:10:38,130 --> 00:10:39,719 It's the reason we have society. 281 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,700 If Adam and Eve hadn't felt ashamed, 282 00:10:41,710 --> 00:10:43,099 nobody would've invented pants. 283 00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:45,219 Because we had pants, we needed closets. 284 00:10:45,220 --> 00:10:47,919 Closets led to houses. Houses led to towns. 285 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:50,059 Boom, we're on the moon before the Russians. 286 00:10:50,060 --> 00:10:51,889 Shame also leads to hang-ups. 287 00:10:51,890 --> 00:10:54,019 Our culture's too repressed about sex. 288 00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:55,429 For my money, 289 00:10:55,430 --> 00:10:56,929 we're not repressed enough. 290 00:10:56,930 --> 00:10:58,879 "Sock it to me, baby. I'm on the pill." 291 00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:00,739 Everybody "lettin' it all hang out." 292 00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:02,439 I say tuck it back in. 293 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:03,909 Especially in front of your mother. 294 00:11:03,910 --> 00:11:05,409 She doesn't need to know about that stuff. 295 00:11:05,410 --> 00:11:07,249 He does need to be more considerate of Mom. 296 00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,879 Exactly, she's the one who has to deal 297 00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:10,779 with the sheets around here. 298 00:11:10,780 --> 00:11:12,000 And the towels. 299 00:11:12,750 --> 00:11:14,379 And the vacuum cleaner attachments. 300 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,249 You're one of God's creatures. 301 00:11:19,250 --> 00:11:22,080 You're one of God's creatures. 302 00:11:22,090 --> 00:11:23,329 I mean, one of his weirder ones, 303 00:11:23,330 --> 00:11:25,089 like one you'd find in Australia. 304 00:11:25,090 --> 00:11:27,159 I heard you got stuck with this grody job. 305 00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,599 - I don't mind. - Tell you what. 306 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,099 I'll start on the other hoof. 307 00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:31,939 Oh, poor Mrs. Porter. 308 00:11:31,940 --> 00:11:33,169 Every day, she gets shorter 309 00:11:33,170 --> 00:11:35,269 and these things just get longer. 310 00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,279 You are a very good person, Angela. 311 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,289 Aww. 312 00:11:39,290 --> 00:11:40,299 You too, Frank. 313 00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:41,979 Yes, that is my curse. 314 00:11:41,980 --> 00:11:44,110 Which is why I must tell you something... 315 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,139 ... that you won't want to hear 316 00:11:45,140 --> 00:11:46,149 about Joey. 317 00:11:46,150 --> 00:11:48,369 What, that he's trying to jump my bones? 318 00:11:48,370 --> 00:11:49,940 Believe me, 319 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,189 I've known slick operators like Joey my whole life. 320 00:11:52,190 --> 00:11:53,829 I know what all boys want. 321 00:11:53,830 --> 00:11:54,889 I don't want it. 322 00:11:54,890 --> 00:11:57,199 I mean, until I'm in a committed relationship 323 00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:58,709 sanctioned by God and my mother. 324 00:11:58,710 --> 00:12:00,799 Maybe we shouldn't be talking like this. 325 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,389 I've overstepped, and I apologize. 326 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:04,419 No, I'm just worried about 327 00:12:04,420 --> 00:12:05,999 getting a toenail in my mouth. 328 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,119 Trust me, 329 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:09,389 nothing is going to happen between me and Joey. 330 00:12:09,390 --> 00:12:11,940 He'll be crushed. May I tell him? 331 00:12:12,910 --> 00:12:14,539 I'd rather you didn't. 332 00:12:14,540 --> 00:12:16,309 It's what's keeping him motivated. 333 00:12:16,310 --> 00:12:18,219 Joey's good with the oldsters here. 334 00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:20,099 They love him... even the ones who don't think 335 00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:22,079 he's a neighbor boy from their childhood. 336 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,589 So he is doing a good deed for no reward. 337 00:12:24,590 --> 00:12:26,259 He just doesn't know it. 338 00:12:26,260 --> 00:12:27,320 Unlike you, 339 00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:28,759 who's here for the right reasons... 340 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:29,859 ... and even wanted to warn me 341 00:12:29,860 --> 00:12:31,629 about your brother. 342 00:12:31,630 --> 00:12:33,859 You are a sweetheart, Frank, 343 00:12:33,860 --> 00:12:35,339 and much more the kind of boy 344 00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:37,760 I'm interested in getting involved with. 345 00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:43,060 Uh... 346 00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,979 Uh, I should go get a broom to sweep these up. 347 00:12:46,980 --> 00:12:49,340 They could pop the tire on a wheelchair. 348 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,690 That's the lavatory! 349 00:12:53,580 --> 00:12:55,160 Hey, little man! 350 00:12:55,170 --> 00:12:56,989 - You got a sec? - What's up? 351 00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:00,649 Here. 352 00:13:00,650 --> 00:13:03,889 You might want to start keeping a box by your bed. 353 00:13:03,890 --> 00:13:05,409 In case I have to blow my nose? 354 00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,559 Or any other use 355 00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:09,460 you have no reason to be embarrassed about. 356 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,429 You're right. 357 00:13:11,430 --> 00:13:12,869 I can make tissue ghosts out of these. 358 00:13:12,870 --> 00:13:15,139 Or... whatever else 359 00:13:15,140 --> 00:13:17,219 - you feel the urge to do. - Oooh! 360 00:13:17,220 --> 00:13:19,239 - Oooh! - Uh, what is important 361 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,719 - is that you feel good about yourself. - Whoo-oo! 362 00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:21,879 I feel great about myself. 363 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,039 I made this spooky guy in, like, two seconds, 364 00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:25,339 and it looks totally real. 365 00:13:25,340 --> 00:13:26,519 - Yeah. - Oooh! 366 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:27,760 Timmy, just listen. 367 00:13:27,770 --> 00:13:29,070 - Whoo... oo-oo! - Timmy... Okay, yeah... 368 00:13:29,071 --> 00:13:30,079 - Okay, Timmy, just... - Boo! 369 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:31,770 Cut it out. 370 00:13:32,790 --> 00:13:36,389 Look, I know about your new secret activity. 371 00:13:36,390 --> 00:13:38,419 - You do? - Yeah. 372 00:13:38,420 --> 00:13:39,729 Did that rat William tell you? 373 00:13:39,730 --> 00:13:40,829 No. 374 00:13:40,830 --> 00:13:42,199 You've been a little messy with it, 375 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,149 and it's not fair to Mom, who has to clean up after you. 376 00:13:44,150 --> 00:13:45,839 - Mom knows? - I don't think so... 377 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:46,849 - No, no, no. - ... yet. 378 00:13:46,850 --> 00:13:47,869 Mom can't know. 379 00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:50,329 Well, there's no reason she has to. 380 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:52,489 But you know about it, and you're not mad at me? 381 00:13:52,490 --> 00:13:54,570 God, no! It's beautiful and natural. 382 00:13:54,580 --> 00:13:56,079 I did the same thing when I was your age. 383 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,080 I doubt with the same level of pageantry. 384 00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,919 That's the spirit! Celebrate yourself, brother. 385 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,709 Just, you know, 386 00:14:02,710 --> 00:14:04,509 do your best to keep it private. 387 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,150 But the whole point is having an audience. 388 00:14:07,090 --> 00:14:08,179 An audience? 389 00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:09,719 I really feed off their energy. 390 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,079 I got a good reaction when I did it at the library. 391 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,179 But they insisted I do it quietly 392 00:14:14,180 --> 00:14:15,769 and only in the children's section. 393 00:14:15,770 --> 00:14:17,329 Stop. 394 00:14:17,330 --> 00:14:19,059 What are you talking about? 395 00:14:19,060 --> 00:14:20,149 My puppet show. 396 00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:22,740 And you're right, it is natural and beautiful. 397 00:14:22,750 --> 00:14:24,230 I'm gonna quote you in my flyer. 398 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:28,790 What were the toenails like? 399 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,019 Were they like... ? 400 00:14:30,020 --> 00:14:31,739 Pointier, more like Doritos. 401 00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:33,489 Gross. 402 00:14:33,490 --> 00:14:36,319 And then this girl just... kissed me, 403 00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:37,579 bold as you please. 404 00:14:37,580 --> 00:14:39,119 And I don't even know her middle name. 405 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,419 Unreal, Frank! 406 00:14:40,420 --> 00:14:41,629 Your first kiss. 407 00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,260 It's not my first kiss. 408 00:14:43,270 --> 00:14:44,689 After her Mediterranean cruise, 409 00:14:44,690 --> 00:14:46,269 Mrs. Strausser and I started doing 410 00:14:46,270 --> 00:14:48,429 this sort of European greeting thing. 411 00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:50,589 Elderly cheek kisses with your neighbor don't count. 412 00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:52,790 I guess it was my first kiss then. 413 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,559 I'll have to tell my future wife these lips have a past. 414 00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:56,869 Maybe you'll end up with Angela. 415 00:14:56,870 --> 00:14:58,779 Right, a girl who pounces on me 416 00:14:58,780 --> 00:15:00,009 10 minutes after we meet? 417 00:15:00,010 --> 00:15:01,609 Nice try, Mary Magdalene. 418 00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:03,269 Go peddle your goodies elsewhere. 419 00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:04,719 You said you liked her. 420 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:05,729 I do. 421 00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:08,749 She's fun, and... and she's so confident. 422 00:15:08,750 --> 00:15:10,190 But how do you respect a girl 423 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,909 who just goes around kissing people willy-nilly? 424 00:15:12,910 --> 00:15:15,160 Look... 425 00:15:15,170 --> 00:15:17,029 every person is lots of things... 426 00:15:17,030 --> 00:15:19,039 some good things, some not-so-good, 427 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,759 and sometimes all mixed up. 428 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,159 You don't want to be too quick to judge, 429 00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:23,240 especially yourself. 430 00:15:23,260 --> 00:15:25,569 - Another piece of advice? - Sure. 431 00:15:25,570 --> 00:15:27,519 Start seeing less of Ol' Lady Strausser. 432 00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:28,699 Let her down easy, 433 00:15:28,700 --> 00:15:30,620 but that's more about her hip than anything else. 434 00:15:34,580 --> 00:15:36,659 Now that I knew some of my family were catching on, 435 00:15:36,660 --> 00:15:39,779 I took Lawrence's warning about not leaving a mess for Mom. 436 00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:48,259 Hey, hon! 437 00:15:48,260 --> 00:15:50,290 The dead raccoon is still in the street 438 00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:52,189 in front of the apartment building. 439 00:15:52,190 --> 00:15:53,779 That's the problem with renters... 440 00:15:53,780 --> 00:15:55,829 no pride of ownership. 441 00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:57,890 I found this Sears Catalog in Timmy's room, 442 00:15:57,900 --> 00:15:59,460 and look what he did to it. 443 00:15:59,470 --> 00:16:01,499 The pages are all stuck together. 444 00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:03,219 - Oh, boy. - And for some odd reason, 445 00:16:03,220 --> 00:16:04,869 it's "women's coats." 446 00:16:04,870 --> 00:16:06,719 Well, at that age, it doesn't take a lot. 447 00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:07,729 What are we supposed to do, Mike? 448 00:16:07,730 --> 00:16:09,339 Get rid of everything with a woman's picture? 449 00:16:09,340 --> 00:16:10,759 "Hide the Mrs. Butterworth's bottle. 450 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:11,779 Timmy's on the make." 451 00:16:11,780 --> 00:16:13,099 Well, if they produced a better syrup, 452 00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:14,339 they wouldn't need to sex it up. 453 00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:15,669 The brass of that kid. 454 00:16:15,670 --> 00:16:16,919 And after you gave him that talking-to, 455 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,489 he's still in there, guns a-blazin'. 456 00:16:18,490 --> 00:16:19,859 The thing is... 457 00:16:19,860 --> 00:16:22,559 I didn't really talk to him, Peg. 458 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:23,790 You were out there throwing a ball 459 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:24,989 for twenty minutes with that klutz. 460 00:16:24,990 --> 00:16:26,000 You better have talked to him, 461 00:16:26,001 --> 00:16:27,109 'cause that was painful to watch. 462 00:16:27,110 --> 00:16:28,590 I didn't bring it up with him 463 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:31,149 because I don't really agree with you. 464 00:16:31,150 --> 00:16:33,149 You're saying we have different opinions on this? 465 00:16:33,150 --> 00:16:34,869 - I am. - Oh, I guess one of us 466 00:16:34,870 --> 00:16:37,779 wants our kids to grow up to be solid, tax-paying citizens 467 00:16:37,780 --> 00:16:38,890 when the other one wants them ending up 468 00:16:38,900 --> 00:16:40,499 in a sex-maniac ward at the nuthouse. 469 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,609 Look, if we overreact, 470 00:16:41,610 --> 00:16:44,349 we might give him "a complex," okay? 471 00:16:44,350 --> 00:16:47,579 Look, what Timmy is doing is normal. 472 00:16:47,580 --> 00:16:48,839 Every boy does it. 473 00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:49,940 It's part of being a man. 474 00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:51,919 Do you do it? 475 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,999 No. 476 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,139 Of course not. 477 00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:57,680 But I'm the exception. 478 00:16:57,690 --> 00:16:59,380 And this may come as a shock, 479 00:16:59,390 --> 00:17:01,329 but I'm pretty sure our older boys 480 00:17:01,330 --> 00:17:03,139 are blazin' their guns, as well. 481 00:17:03,140 --> 00:17:05,599 They're doing it, it's part of life, 482 00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,059 and, honestly, it's none of our business. 483 00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:08,419 None of our business? 484 00:17:08,420 --> 00:17:10,229 Are we even raising these kids anymore? 485 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,679 Yeah, but when they cross that line 486 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:13,770 into stuff that makes us sick to our stomach, 487 00:17:13,780 --> 00:17:14,949 it's time to give them some privacy. 488 00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:18,379 Or I could just teach our child some self-control. 489 00:17:18,380 --> 00:17:19,779 Privacy. 490 00:17:19,780 --> 00:17:21,419 Like we're one of those hoity-toity families 491 00:17:21,420 --> 00:17:23,179 with a lock on the bathroom door. 492 00:17:23,180 --> 00:17:24,789 Check out this microwave 493 00:17:24,790 --> 00:17:26,419 I brought home, kids. 494 00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:30,229 I like it more than I like any of you. 495 00:17:30,230 --> 00:17:31,829 Son, your mom and I 496 00:17:31,830 --> 00:17:34,099 and our open eyes are coming in. 497 00:17:34,100 --> 00:17:36,329 Honestly, there's no way he's at it again... 498 00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:40,079 One cup detergent, hot water, regular cycle. 499 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:41,800 It's your turn. 500 00:17:42,470 --> 00:17:44,870 Hey, can you guys come back later? 501 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,649 I was thinking of taking a nap. 502 00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:50,079 - Oh, God. - Well, it does make you sleepy, Peg. 503 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,549 - What? - What are we all talking about? 504 00:17:51,550 --> 00:17:53,179 No, you don't. Get out, and stay out! 505 00:17:53,180 --> 00:17:55,279 - Okay, geez! - I know what you've been up to. 506 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,199 Mom, I really don't think you do. 507 00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,159 Timmy, go ahead, show them what's under those covers. 508 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,389 - Whoa, whoa, whoa! - No, no! 509 00:18:00,390 --> 00:18:01,760 It's not what you guys think. Go ahead. 510 00:18:01,770 --> 00:18:04,860 - There's no reason to hide it. - Oh, my sweet and gentle Jesus. 511 00:18:06,630 --> 00:18:07,999 Just my puppets. 512 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,999 And sorry, I got some more glue on the sheets. 513 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,840 You've been in here playing with puppets? 514 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:16,369 Honestly, 515 00:18:16,370 --> 00:18:18,700 and after all the fuss you made... 516 00:18:21,180 --> 00:18:23,039 Hi, can I talk to Frank, please? 517 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:24,109 You can. 518 00:18:24,110 --> 00:18:25,179 But it won't be fun or interesting. 519 00:18:25,180 --> 00:18:26,579 Hey, Frank! 520 00:18:26,580 --> 00:18:27,690 There's a pretty girl here to see you 521 00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:29,149 for no discernible reason. 522 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,489 Then you looked at me horrified and just ran out. 523 00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:38,319 I'm ready to call that a mistake. 524 00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,759 It felt insulting after Mrs. Porter's toenails 525 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:41,990 that me kissing you was the thing 526 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,669 that sent you screaming out of that room. 527 00:18:43,670 --> 00:18:45,779 If you'd be interested in trying that kiss again, 528 00:18:45,780 --> 00:18:47,159 I promise this time not to cry. 529 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,180 You cried? 530 00:18:48,190 --> 00:18:49,780 What? 531 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:51,820 No. 532 00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:54,409 Isn't Frank the sly one? 533 00:18:54,410 --> 00:18:56,379 I never pictured him as a lady-killer, 534 00:18:56,380 --> 00:18:58,259 except maybe the kind you see on the news. 535 00:18:58,260 --> 00:19:00,019 Back away from the window, Peg. 536 00:19:00,020 --> 00:19:02,979 If you think watching Timmy try to play catch was painful... 537 00:19:02,980 --> 00:19:06,219 We have seen a lot of horrible things today. 538 00:19:06,220 --> 00:19:07,490 I don't know, maybe you're right 539 00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:08,979 about giving the kids more privacy. 540 00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:11,099 Well, it's not so much for them as for us. 541 00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:12,879 Well, you should've said that in the first place. 542 00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:14,269 I'd have been onboard right away. 543 00:19:14,270 --> 00:19:15,439 God. 544 00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:17,859 I feel really bad about the way that I reacted today. 545 00:19:17,860 --> 00:19:20,059 I can be pretty judgmental about girls, 546 00:19:20,060 --> 00:19:21,169 thanks to my mother. 547 00:19:21,170 --> 00:19:23,829 She set this impossible standard of excellence. 548 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,019 The mean lady at the door? 549 00:19:25,020 --> 00:19:26,199 Isn't she great? 550 00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:27,560 What you did bugged me so much, 551 00:19:27,570 --> 00:19:28,999 I couldn't just let it go. 552 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,649 I don't like to let that stuff build up. 553 00:19:30,650 --> 00:19:32,129 It might make me do something crazy. 554 00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:33,759 Crazy... like kissing me again right now, 555 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:35,129 when I'm totally braced for it? 556 00:19:35,130 --> 00:19:36,479 More like vandalism... 557 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,189 or shoplifting... 558 00:19:38,190 --> 00:19:39,589 or burning my boyfriend's car. 559 00:19:39,590 --> 00:19:40,760 You have a boyfriend? 560 00:19:40,770 --> 00:19:42,159 Ex-boyfriend. 561 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,229 He loved that car. 562 00:19:44,230 --> 00:19:46,059 You should know, Frank, 563 00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:49,459 I don't volunteer at the nursing home just out of kindness. 564 00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:51,599 It's court ordered for juvenile offenders. 565 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:52,809 Juvenile offend... 566 00:19:52,810 --> 00:19:54,739 I'm not judging. 567 00:19:54,740 --> 00:19:56,939 Although it sounds like there was a judge involved. 568 00:19:56,940 --> 00:19:58,439 I am on a better path now, 569 00:19:58,440 --> 00:19:59,869 but if you can't handle a kiss, 570 00:19:59,870 --> 00:20:02,609 you will definitely freak out over the rest of the package. 571 00:20:02,610 --> 00:20:03,909 A lot of guys have left me 572 00:20:03,910 --> 00:20:05,449 feeling pretty bad about myself... 573 00:20:05,450 --> 00:20:07,419 A lot of guys? 574 00:20:07,420 --> 00:20:09,579 Not judging. Don't burn my car. 575 00:20:09,580 --> 00:20:11,439 I am not putting myself through that again. 576 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:12,499 Goodbye. 577 00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:14,419 Goodbye, Angela. 578 00:20:14,420 --> 00:20:16,259 Hi, Joey. 579 00:20:16,260 --> 00:20:17,420 Angela. 580 00:20:19,620 --> 00:20:21,099 Congrats, man. 581 00:20:21,100 --> 00:20:23,769 Gotta say, I'm impressed. 582 00:20:23,770 --> 00:20:25,119 And not too proud 583 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:26,759 to extend my hand when the better man wins. 584 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,169 I blew it. 585 00:20:28,170 --> 00:20:30,059 She told me she's not interested. 586 00:20:30,060 --> 00:20:32,479 And the world makes sense once again. 587 00:20:34,850 --> 00:20:37,150 I keep thinking how we're gonna have to relive 588 00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,739 that filthy milestone with three more kids. 589 00:20:39,740 --> 00:20:41,019 Four. 590 00:20:41,020 --> 00:20:43,749 Timmy didn't know what the hell we were talking about today. 591 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:46,489 Men are animals. 592 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,229 I'm gonna have to go 593 00:20:58,230 --> 00:21:00,050 and put a load in the wash. 594 00:21:02,740 --> 00:21:04,880 That woman is a saint. 595 00:21:04,900 --> 00:21:07,220 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00 www.tvsubtitles.net 43328

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