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1
00:00:00,010 --> 00:00:02,179
We're looking at about
three months in that cast.
2
00:00:02,180 --> 00:00:04,579
I wish that troublemaker
Garcon Fernandez
3
00:00:04,580 --> 00:00:06,965
never set foot in Springfield Springs.
4
00:00:06,966 --> 00:00:08,989
Although he's a top-notch surgeon,
5
00:00:08,990 --> 00:00:10,449
especially for someone
with an eye patch.
6
00:00:10,450 --> 00:00:12,989
Mm. Mommy? Does everyone
have an evil twin?
7
00:00:12,990 --> 00:00:14,759
Oh, Pat.
8
00:00:14,760 --> 00:00:16,789
If anything, you're the evil
twin and the good Pat is out
9
00:00:16,790 --> 00:00:18,499
making some other family very happy.
10
00:00:18,500 --> 00:00:20,937
I dropped those old magazines
off at the hospital for you.
11
00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:23,314
Switched them out for these newer ones.
12
00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:25,814
"Eight fun projects for
moms and their kids."
13
00:00:25,815 --> 00:00:26,859
Go work on some of these.
14
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,237
And don't come running to me for help.
15
00:00:28,238 --> 00:00:29,560
Also got this.
16
00:00:29,570 --> 00:00:30,739
I ran into a guy from work.
17
00:00:30,740 --> 00:00:32,031
He and his wife just had a baby.
18
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,539
- Idiots.
- I know, right?
19
00:00:34,670 --> 00:00:36,202
You don't smoke cigars.
20
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:38,449
I don't read "Family Circle" either,
21
00:00:38,450 --> 00:00:40,540
but I'll take one home if it's free.
22
00:00:42,167 --> 00:00:44,849
Guess who else I saw out by
the hospital this morning?
23
00:00:44,850 --> 00:00:45,959
- Hm?
- Joey.
24
00:00:45,960 --> 00:00:47,547
What do you suppose that
chucklehead is up to?
25
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,465
Nothing good if history is prologue.
26
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:51,199
Geez Louise, Frank.
27
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,019
I should tie a bell around your neck.
28
00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:54,040
Real tight.
29
00:00:54,820 --> 00:00:57,299
So where exactly was Joey this morning?
30
00:00:57,300 --> 00:00:58,640
I think it was the corner of
31
00:00:58,650 --> 00:00:59,680
"mind your own business"
32
00:00:59,690 --> 00:01:01,102
and "nobody likes a snitch."
33
00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:03,040
That sounds like a dicey neighborhood.
34
00:01:05,420 --> 00:01:07,519
I need to borrow the car
and your Polaroid camera.
35
00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:11,129
Fine.
36
00:01:11,130 --> 00:01:13,240
But no more pictures
of the Millers' dog.
37
00:01:13,250 --> 00:01:14,479
He's not a wolf,
38
00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:17,036
and the city is tired of
calling you about it.
39
00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:20,399
That will be one sweet "I told you so"
40
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:21,920
when Snowball eats a baby.
41
00:01:22,790 --> 00:01:24,959
Normally, I wouldn't consider
doing crafts in my bedroom
42
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,859
for fear of getting
glue on the sheets...
43
00:01:26,860 --> 00:01:28,980
Oh, crud.
44
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,260
... and the resulting
thumping from my mom,
45
00:01:31,270 --> 00:01:33,199
but I had good reason to try
46
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:35,890
and keep my latest project top secret.
47
00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:38,069
Hi, I'm Jimmy Dreary,
48
00:01:38,070 --> 00:01:41,509
the only fun and talented
member of the Dreary Family.
49
00:01:41,510 --> 00:01:45,449
Nobody in this house is allowed
to be fun or talented!
50
00:01:45,450 --> 00:01:46,840
We can't afford it!
51
00:01:46,860 --> 00:01:49,089
As you can see, the TV
show you are watching now
52
00:01:49,090 --> 00:01:50,549
was not my first attempt
53
00:01:50,550 --> 00:01:52,659
to exploit my family for comedy.
54
00:01:52,660 --> 00:01:54,220
Hey, don't yell at the kid.
55
00:01:54,230 --> 00:01:56,359
I want to do it. I was in the war!
56
00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:58,449
I chose the library for my venue,
57
00:01:58,450 --> 00:02:00,929
figuring no one at home
would find out about it,
58
00:02:00,930 --> 00:02:02,640
given my mom's general
disdain for books...
59
00:02:02,650 --> 00:02:03,959
... and the people who read them.
60
00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:06,789
But my family had a few
rogue intellectuals.
61
00:02:06,790 --> 00:02:10,419
I'm Billiam, and I'm the
dork in the Dreary Family.
62
00:02:10,420 --> 00:02:12,959
- Come on, honey.
- Congratulations on the show.
63
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:15,209
Or should I say
"unauthorized hatchet-job"?
64
00:02:15,210 --> 00:02:17,270
Okay, please don't tell Mom and Dad.
65
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:18,679
You guys weren't supposed to see this.
66
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:19,850
Didn't you consider that
67
00:02:19,860 --> 00:02:22,220
the "weird know-it-all
brother, Billiam,"
68
00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:24,099
who practically lives at the library,
69
00:02:24,100 --> 00:02:25,940
might be at the library?
70
00:02:25,950 --> 00:02:28,119
Hanging out in the...
how did you put it...
71
00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:30,220
"'I am a nerd with no friends' section"?
72
00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:32,900
Read the disclaimer on the
side of my puppet stage.
73
00:02:33,800 --> 00:02:36,299
"Any similarity to
persons living or dead
74
00:02:36,300 --> 00:02:37,400
is purely coincidental
75
00:02:37,410 --> 00:02:39,609
and a tribute to excellent puppetry."
76
00:02:39,610 --> 00:02:41,339
Legally, you can't touch me.
77
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,100
Mike, can I see you a minute?
78
00:02:47,110 --> 00:02:49,840
Unfortunately, my mom found
the glue on my sheet,
79
00:02:49,850 --> 00:02:53,419
but hilariously, her mind went
to a very different place.
80
00:02:53,420 --> 00:02:55,699
I pulled this sheet off of
Timmy's bed this morning,
81
00:02:55,700 --> 00:02:57,159
and... well...
82
00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:58,169
just look at it.
83
00:02:58,170 --> 00:03:00,750
Why? What am I looking at? Oh.
84
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,429
You're looking at
disgusting "boy-activity."
85
00:03:03,430 --> 00:03:04,889
What are we gonna do about this?
86
00:03:04,890 --> 00:03:08,679
I guess put the soap in
and press the buttons?
87
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:09,980
I don't want to know this about Timmy.
88
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,599
He still has bath toys, for Pete's sake.
89
00:03:11,600 --> 00:03:13,440
Well, now he has a different bath toy.
90
00:03:13,450 --> 00:03:14,719
This is unacceptable, Mike.
91
00:03:14,720 --> 00:03:15,859
You tell him to knock it off.
92
00:03:15,860 --> 00:03:17,899
Well, that's not something I want to do.
93
00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:19,609
Hey, we have eight children.
94
00:03:19,610 --> 00:03:21,060
All we do is stuff we don't want to do.
95
00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:23,700
This was an uncomfortable
area for my dad
96
00:03:23,710 --> 00:03:25,419
because he knew a bit
more about this activity
97
00:03:25,420 --> 00:03:27,449
than he was eager to admit with my mom.
98
00:03:27,450 --> 00:03:29,689
Eddie?
99
00:03:29,690 --> 00:03:31,079
Eddie, where'd you go?
100
00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:32,560
Oh, I'm... I'm in here, Dad.
101
00:03:32,570 --> 00:03:33,820
Just making a phone call.
102
00:03:38,290 --> 00:03:39,499
All right.
103
00:03:41,850 --> 00:03:43,589
I just found two more spots.
104
00:03:43,590 --> 00:03:45,679
Either you say something
to Timmy or I will.
105
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,769
Fine. I'll speak to the boy.
106
00:03:47,770 --> 00:03:49,260
I had to pull my church
blouse out of there
107
00:03:49,270 --> 00:03:51,430
'cause I didn't want it mixed
up with Timmy's business.
108
00:03:52,610 --> 00:03:54,679
He didn't think my mom
could understand because,
109
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,219
in Dad's mind... in all our minds...
110
00:03:56,220 --> 00:03:58,063
she was immune to such impulses.
111
00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:01,449
If my mother ever did indulge,
112
00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:05,319
she did so with an absolute
lack of awareness or guilt.
113
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,959
Having seen him steal Dad's cigar,
114
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,049
Frank followed Joey,
115
00:04:21,050 --> 00:04:23,660
eager to catch him in some
cigar-related mischief.
116
00:04:23,670 --> 00:04:25,639
The old people only made Joey's behavior
117
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:27,169
that much more intriguing.
118
00:04:27,170 --> 00:04:29,140
Another piece of the puzzle.
119
00:04:30,140 --> 00:04:32,769
And nursing homes have lots of puzzles.
120
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,549
One more bite, Mrs. Evans.
121
00:04:37,550 --> 00:04:39,200
Let's make that last
tooth earn its keep.
122
00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:42,619
There's my girl.
123
00:04:42,620 --> 00:04:44,109
Flash me that pearly white.
124
00:04:44,110 --> 00:04:47,119
Here you go.
125
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,269
Be sure to switch off the oxygen
126
00:04:48,270 --> 00:04:49,279
- before you light that up.
- Mm-hmm.
127
00:04:49,280 --> 00:04:50,460
Joey.
128
00:04:50,470 --> 00:04:52,199
It's time for Mr. Franklin's bath.
129
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:53,759
Well, we can skip the bubbles,
130
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,039
because Mr. Franklin makes his own.
131
00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:01,169
Joey is being kind to old people?
132
00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:02,709
Old people can be a lot of fun,
133
00:05:02,710 --> 00:05:04,560
and they always seem to remember
134
00:05:04,570 --> 00:05:07,259
"when this was all orange groves."
135
00:05:07,260 --> 00:05:08,539
I find it hard to believe
136
00:05:08,540 --> 00:05:10,849
that Joey is suddenly a decent person.
137
00:05:10,850 --> 00:05:12,139
You're being judgmental.
138
00:05:12,140 --> 00:05:14,079
You can't know what's
in somebody's heart.
139
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,439
I once saw two men dressed
as Easter Bunnies
140
00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,689
pummel each other outside
of a nursery school.
141
00:05:18,690 --> 00:05:21,340
On the one hand, they
give eggs to children.
142
00:05:21,350 --> 00:05:23,940
On the other hand, tremendous violence.
143
00:05:23,950 --> 00:05:25,790
See?
144
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:26,819
No.
145
00:05:26,820 --> 00:05:28,869
People and bunnies are complicated.
146
00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:30,219
And when you make them mad,
147
00:05:30,220 --> 00:05:32,119
they can both get racist.
148
00:05:38,710 --> 00:05:40,610
How about you and me going out back?
149
00:05:42,150 --> 00:05:43,509
Play a little catch.
150
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:45,519
This was a startling
request from my father,
151
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:48,489
who had never before initiated
any sports activity with me.
152
00:05:48,490 --> 00:05:49,849
Was he dying?
153
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:52,540
Or worse... was I dying?
154
00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,979
Well, look who got her
hair done, you foxy mama.
155
00:05:59,980 --> 00:06:02,149
You'll be short-circuiting
pacemakers tonight.
156
00:06:02,150 --> 00:06:04,119
You smooth-talker.
157
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,570
Oh, Mr. Hollis knows what I mean.
158
00:06:06,580 --> 00:06:08,609
I bet things get pretty
freaky-deaky around here
159
00:06:08,610 --> 00:06:09,949
when the lights go out at 7:00.
160
00:06:09,950 --> 00:06:11,939
Ah, Frank.
161
00:06:11,940 --> 00:06:13,039
Why are you here?
162
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:14,109
I followed you.
163
00:06:14,110 --> 00:06:15,289
- Because I was...
- Nosy.
164
00:06:15,290 --> 00:06:17,329
A weasel-faced loser.
Have no life of your own.
165
00:06:17,330 --> 00:06:19,219
I'll admit, when I discovered you
166
00:06:19,220 --> 00:06:21,369
volunteering at a nursing home,
167
00:06:21,370 --> 00:06:23,519
I figured you must be up to no good,
168
00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:25,759
like maybe stealing catheters
169
00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:26,919
to sell on the black market.
170
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,029
I knew a guy who bought a
boat selling catheters.
171
00:06:29,030 --> 00:06:31,839
People who need catheters
really need catheters.
172
00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:32,849
They don't haggle.
173
00:06:32,850 --> 00:06:34,629
I then realized, shockingly,
174
00:06:34,630 --> 00:06:36,559
that you were just being
a very nice person.
175
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,569
You try acting like this "cool cat,"
176
00:06:39,570 --> 00:06:42,269
but doing good deeds for others
with no thought of reward...
177
00:06:42,270 --> 00:06:45,179
that is the coolest
thing any cat can do.
178
00:06:45,180 --> 00:06:48,400
It's no use trying to tell
Joey he's a decent person.
179
00:06:48,410 --> 00:06:49,449
He'll just say something mean
180
00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:52,240
to try to cover up what a softy he is.
181
00:06:52,260 --> 00:06:54,699
Angela, this is my
stupid brother, Frank.
182
00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:57,409
I'm going to need a hand giving
Mr. Anders a bath again.
183
00:06:57,410 --> 00:06:58,779
Yesterday, we had to wrestle him
184
00:06:58,780 --> 00:07:00,679
- into the tub.
- Old coot forgot to take
185
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:01,999
his seizure medication.
186
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,709
Our clothes got soaking wet.
187
00:07:03,710 --> 00:07:04,919
They certainly did.
188
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:07,439
Angela and I had to lie out in
the sun together to dry off.
189
00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:08,449
I fell asleep for a while.
190
00:07:08,450 --> 00:07:11,069
I know. I watched you.
191
00:07:11,070 --> 00:07:12,549
Just to keep the bees off.
192
00:07:12,550 --> 00:07:13,699
A gentleman.
193
00:07:19,740 --> 00:07:21,709
You're doing a great job there, Angela.
194
00:07:21,710 --> 00:07:24,439
Mrs. Persky, if you're
hanging on, don't.
195
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:26,319
That is a hairdo for meeting Jesus.
196
00:07:26,320 --> 00:07:28,349
Don't you listen to him, Mrs. Persky.
197
00:07:28,350 --> 00:07:29,619
That's how he flirts.
198
00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:33,159
I knew it.
199
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,189
You're not here to be
a decent human being.
200
00:07:35,190 --> 00:07:37,159
You just want to get your
jollies off with Angela,
201
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,059
who is a million times too good for you.
202
00:07:39,060 --> 00:07:40,529
Of course she is.
203
00:07:40,530 --> 00:07:43,469
Bad girls are fun, but
turning a good girl bad...
204
00:07:43,470 --> 00:07:44,839
that's when they write songs about you.
205
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,460
I wrote a song about you already.
206
00:07:46,470 --> 00:07:48,629
It's called "Joey is Despicable."
207
00:07:48,630 --> 00:07:50,169
I prefer the B-side to that one...
208
00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,879
"Joey Makes Out With Angela."
209
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:53,509
Yesterday, during Mr. Anders' seizure,
210
00:07:53,510 --> 00:07:54,879
I almost made my move.
211
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:56,349
But then the paramedics showed up
212
00:07:56,350 --> 00:07:57,929
and killed the vibe.
213
00:08:03,810 --> 00:08:05,779
You're a regular Don Drysdale.
214
00:08:05,780 --> 00:08:07,119
Yeah, he was great when he guest-starred
215
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,129
on "The Brady Bunch."
216
00:08:08,130 --> 00:08:10,109
He's got a natural,
nuanced acting style.
217
00:08:10,110 --> 00:08:11,789
That's sort of my stock-in-trade.
218
00:08:11,790 --> 00:08:13,599
I know him more from baseball.
219
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:15,989
So, listen, your mom was
doing your laundry today...
220
00:08:15,990 --> 00:08:17,769
She finally washed my cape.
221
00:08:17,770 --> 00:08:19,619
I'm down to my rehearsal cape,
222
00:08:19,620 --> 00:08:20,999
and people are starting to comment.
223
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,290
That's not what they're commenting on.
224
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:27,749
Okay.
225
00:08:27,750 --> 00:08:28,880
Here's the thing.
226
00:08:29,740 --> 00:08:32,510
Your mom told me to talk to you about...
227
00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:35,799
... something I really
don't want to tell you.
228
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,519
I knew it! She shrunk my cape, didn't...
229
00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:41,389
No, it's not about the cape, okay?
230
00:08:41,390 --> 00:08:42,890
But look, she's not gonna let up
231
00:08:42,900 --> 00:08:45,189
until she thinks I talked
to you about this thing,
232
00:08:45,190 --> 00:08:46,959
so we're gonna take this ball
233
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,109
and toss it back and forth
234
00:08:48,110 --> 00:08:50,129
and make it look like
a good conversation.
235
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:52,219
And then we'll go
inside, and you'll say,
236
00:08:52,220 --> 00:08:54,669
"Great talk, Dad,"
right in front of her.
237
00:08:54,670 --> 00:08:55,739
- You got it?
- Yeah.
238
00:08:55,740 --> 00:08:57,780
So my motivation is we had a great talk.
239
00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:01,240
As long as you say the words.
240
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:05,830
That was a fantastic
conversation, Father.
241
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:11,320
I apologize. I kind of
put my own spin on it.
242
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,699
Mr. Avery, you left your teeth
on your breakfast tray.
243
00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:17,729
You'll need them for lunch.
244
00:09:17,730 --> 00:09:19,549
We're having ribs and corn on the cob.
245
00:09:19,550 --> 00:09:21,639
I don't know who's planning these menus.
246
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:22,719
You'll have to help him
247
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:23,809
get those chompers in.
248
00:09:23,810 --> 00:09:25,779
And you might want to
pick out the spinach.
249
00:09:25,780 --> 00:09:28,109
Frank, Mrs. Porter needs
her toenails cut.
250
00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:30,849
Ooh, Mrs. Porter's talons.
251
00:09:30,850 --> 00:09:32,269
I noticed they were getting long
252
00:09:32,270 --> 00:09:33,719
when they cut through
her shower slippers.
253
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:36,519
She's asleep, so now's a good time.
254
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:37,899
Be careful not to startle her.
255
00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:39,659
Our last volunteer needed stitches.
256
00:09:39,660 --> 00:09:42,289
I'll miss Mrs. Porter's claws.
257
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:44,819
You can always hear her
when the mailman comes,
258
00:09:44,820 --> 00:09:47,330
tap-tapping across the tile floor.
259
00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:58,169
My dad was having second thoughts
260
00:09:58,170 --> 00:09:59,439
about his "talk" with me.
261
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:01,169
Sure, he got my mom off his back,
262
00:10:01,170 --> 00:10:02,879
but he hadn't actually told me
263
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:04,940
to stop doing the thing
I wasn't even doing.
264
00:10:04,950 --> 00:10:06,299
Hey, Timmy,
265
00:10:06,300 --> 00:10:07,389
why is this door closed?
266
00:10:07,390 --> 00:10:09,939
I just wanted a little alone time.
267
00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:12,419
It was then my dad decided
to quit fooling around
268
00:10:12,420 --> 00:10:15,689
and handle things the way he
should have in the first place.
269
00:10:15,690 --> 00:10:18,430
You're asking me to tell
Timmy to stop doing it?
270
00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:21,159
We all know that's not gonna happen.
271
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:22,559
But he should at least
have the good sense
272
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,489
to be ashamed about it.
273
00:10:24,490 --> 00:10:27,159
I'm not interested in
making him feel shame.
274
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,099
Why not? Shame is good.
275
00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:30,859
It's the only thing
stopping this activity
276
00:10:30,860 --> 00:10:32,369
from taking over his life.
277
00:10:32,370 --> 00:10:34,379
It's hard enough getting
Timmy to do his homework.
278
00:10:34,380 --> 00:10:35,919
I don't want to give him a complex.
279
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,129
Shame does a lot of damage to society.
280
00:10:38,130 --> 00:10:39,719
It's the reason we have society.
281
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,700
If Adam and Eve hadn't felt ashamed,
282
00:10:41,710 --> 00:10:43,099
nobody would've invented pants.
283
00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:45,219
Because we had pants, we needed closets.
284
00:10:45,220 --> 00:10:47,919
Closets led to houses.
Houses led to towns.
285
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:50,059
Boom, we're on the moon
before the Russians.
286
00:10:50,060 --> 00:10:51,889
Shame also leads to hang-ups.
287
00:10:51,890 --> 00:10:54,019
Our culture's too repressed about sex.
288
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:55,429
For my money,
289
00:10:55,430 --> 00:10:56,929
we're not repressed enough.
290
00:10:56,930 --> 00:10:58,879
"Sock it to me, baby. I'm on the pill."
291
00:10:58,880 --> 00:11:00,739
Everybody "lettin' it all hang out."
292
00:11:00,740 --> 00:11:02,439
I say tuck it back in.
293
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:03,909
Especially in front of your mother.
294
00:11:03,910 --> 00:11:05,409
She doesn't need to
know about that stuff.
295
00:11:05,410 --> 00:11:07,249
He does need to be more
considerate of Mom.
296
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,879
Exactly, she's the one who has to deal
297
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:10,779
with the sheets around here.
298
00:11:10,780 --> 00:11:12,000
And the towels.
299
00:11:12,750 --> 00:11:14,379
And the vacuum cleaner attachments.
300
00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,249
You're one of God's creatures.
301
00:11:19,250 --> 00:11:22,080
You're one of God's creatures.
302
00:11:22,090 --> 00:11:23,329
I mean, one of his weirder ones,
303
00:11:23,330 --> 00:11:25,089
like one you'd find in Australia.
304
00:11:25,090 --> 00:11:27,159
I heard you got stuck
with this grody job.
305
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,599
- I don't mind.
- Tell you what.
306
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,099
I'll start on the other hoof.
307
00:11:30,100 --> 00:11:31,939
Oh, poor Mrs. Porter.
308
00:11:31,940 --> 00:11:33,169
Every day, she gets shorter
309
00:11:33,170 --> 00:11:35,269
and these things just get longer.
310
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:38,279
You are a very good person, Angela.
311
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,289
Aww.
312
00:11:39,290 --> 00:11:40,299
You too, Frank.
313
00:11:40,300 --> 00:11:41,979
Yes, that is my curse.
314
00:11:41,980 --> 00:11:44,110
Which is why I must
tell you something...
315
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,139
... that you won't want to hear
316
00:11:45,140 --> 00:11:46,149
about Joey.
317
00:11:46,150 --> 00:11:48,369
What, that he's trying to jump my bones?
318
00:11:48,370 --> 00:11:49,940
Believe me,
319
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:52,189
I've known slick operators
like Joey my whole life.
320
00:11:52,190 --> 00:11:53,829
I know what all boys want.
321
00:11:53,830 --> 00:11:54,889
I don't want it.
322
00:11:54,890 --> 00:11:57,199
I mean, until I'm in a
committed relationship
323
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:58,709
sanctioned by God and my mother.
324
00:11:58,710 --> 00:12:00,799
Maybe we shouldn't be talking like this.
325
00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,389
I've overstepped, and I apologize.
326
00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:04,419
No, I'm just worried about
327
00:12:04,420 --> 00:12:05,999
getting a toenail in my mouth.
328
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,119
Trust me,
329
00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:09,389
nothing is going to happen
between me and Joey.
330
00:12:09,390 --> 00:12:11,940
He'll be crushed. May I tell him?
331
00:12:12,910 --> 00:12:14,539
I'd rather you didn't.
332
00:12:14,540 --> 00:12:16,309
It's what's keeping him motivated.
333
00:12:16,310 --> 00:12:18,219
Joey's good with the oldsters here.
334
00:12:18,220 --> 00:12:20,099
They love him... even the
ones who don't think
335
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:22,079
he's a neighbor boy
from their childhood.
336
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,589
So he is doing a good
deed for no reward.
337
00:12:24,590 --> 00:12:26,259
He just doesn't know it.
338
00:12:26,260 --> 00:12:27,320
Unlike you,
339
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:28,759
who's here for the right reasons...
340
00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:29,859
... and even wanted to warn me
341
00:12:29,860 --> 00:12:31,629
about your brother.
342
00:12:31,630 --> 00:12:33,859
You are a sweetheart, Frank,
343
00:12:33,860 --> 00:12:35,339
and much more the kind of boy
344
00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:37,760
I'm interested in getting involved with.
345
00:12:41,420 --> 00:12:43,060
Uh...
346
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:46,979
Uh, I should go get a
broom to sweep these up.
347
00:12:46,980 --> 00:12:49,340
They could pop the tire on a wheelchair.
348
00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,690
That's the lavatory!
349
00:12:53,580 --> 00:12:55,160
Hey, little man!
350
00:12:55,170 --> 00:12:56,989
- You got a sec?
- What's up?
351
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:00,649
Here.
352
00:13:00,650 --> 00:13:03,889
You might want to start
keeping a box by your bed.
353
00:13:03,890 --> 00:13:05,409
In case I have to blow my nose?
354
00:13:05,410 --> 00:13:06,559
Or any other use
355
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:09,460
you have no reason to
be embarrassed about.
356
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,429
You're right.
357
00:13:11,430 --> 00:13:12,869
I can make tissue ghosts out of these.
358
00:13:12,870 --> 00:13:15,139
Or... whatever else
359
00:13:15,140 --> 00:13:17,219
- you feel the urge to do.
- Oooh!
360
00:13:17,220 --> 00:13:19,239
- Oooh!
- Uh, what is important
361
00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,719
- is that you feel good about yourself.
- Whoo-oo!
362
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:21,879
I feel great about myself.
363
00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,039
I made this spooky guy
in, like, two seconds,
364
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:25,339
and it looks totally real.
365
00:13:25,340 --> 00:13:26,519
- Yeah.
- Oooh!
366
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:27,760
Timmy, just listen.
367
00:13:27,770 --> 00:13:29,070
- Whoo... oo-oo!
- Timmy... Okay, yeah...
368
00:13:29,071 --> 00:13:30,079
- Okay, Timmy, just...
- Boo!
369
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:31,770
Cut it out.
370
00:13:32,790 --> 00:13:36,389
Look, I know about your
new secret activity.
371
00:13:36,390 --> 00:13:38,419
- You do?
- Yeah.
372
00:13:38,420 --> 00:13:39,729
Did that rat William tell you?
373
00:13:39,730 --> 00:13:40,829
No.
374
00:13:40,830 --> 00:13:42,199
You've been a little messy with it,
375
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,149
and it's not fair to Mom, who
has to clean up after you.
376
00:13:44,150 --> 00:13:45,839
- Mom knows?
- I don't think so...
377
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:46,849
- No, no, no.
- ... yet.
378
00:13:46,850 --> 00:13:47,869
Mom can't know.
379
00:13:47,870 --> 00:13:50,329
Well, there's no reason she has to.
380
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:52,489
But you know about it, and
you're not mad at me?
381
00:13:52,490 --> 00:13:54,570
God, no! It's beautiful and natural.
382
00:13:54,580 --> 00:13:56,079
I did the same thing
when I was your age.
383
00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,080
I doubt with the same
level of pageantry.
384
00:13:58,100 --> 00:14:00,919
That's the spirit! Celebrate
yourself, brother.
385
00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:02,709
Just, you know,
386
00:14:02,710 --> 00:14:04,509
do your best to keep it private.
387
00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,150
But the whole point is
having an audience.
388
00:14:07,090 --> 00:14:08,179
An audience?
389
00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:09,719
I really feed off their energy.
390
00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,079
I got a good reaction when
I did it at the library.
391
00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,179
But they insisted I do it quietly
392
00:14:14,180 --> 00:14:15,769
and only in the children's section.
393
00:14:15,770 --> 00:14:17,329
Stop.
394
00:14:17,330 --> 00:14:19,059
What are you talking about?
395
00:14:19,060 --> 00:14:20,149
My puppet show.
396
00:14:20,150 --> 00:14:22,740
And you're right, it is
natural and beautiful.
397
00:14:22,750 --> 00:14:24,230
I'm gonna quote you in my flyer.
398
00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:28,790
What were the toenails like?
399
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,019
Were they like... ?
400
00:14:30,020 --> 00:14:31,739
Pointier, more like Doritos.
401
00:14:31,740 --> 00:14:33,489
Gross.
402
00:14:33,490 --> 00:14:36,319
And then this girl just... kissed me,
403
00:14:36,320 --> 00:14:37,579
bold as you please.
404
00:14:37,580 --> 00:14:39,119
And I don't even know her middle name.
405
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,419
Unreal, Frank!
406
00:14:40,420 --> 00:14:41,629
Your first kiss.
407
00:14:41,630 --> 00:14:43,260
It's not my first kiss.
408
00:14:43,270 --> 00:14:44,689
After her Mediterranean cruise,
409
00:14:44,690 --> 00:14:46,269
Mrs. Strausser and I started doing
410
00:14:46,270 --> 00:14:48,429
this sort of European greeting thing.
411
00:14:48,430 --> 00:14:50,589
Elderly cheek kisses with
your neighbor don't count.
412
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:52,790
I guess it was my first kiss then.
413
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,559
I'll have to tell my future
wife these lips have a past.
414
00:14:55,560 --> 00:14:56,869
Maybe you'll end up with Angela.
415
00:14:56,870 --> 00:14:58,779
Right, a girl who pounces on me
416
00:14:58,780 --> 00:15:00,009
10 minutes after we meet?
417
00:15:00,010 --> 00:15:01,609
Nice try, Mary Magdalene.
418
00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:03,269
Go peddle your goodies elsewhere.
419
00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:04,719
You said you liked her.
420
00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:05,729
I do.
421
00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:08,749
She's fun, and... and
she's so confident.
422
00:15:08,750 --> 00:15:10,190
But how do you respect a girl
423
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,909
who just goes around
kissing people willy-nilly?
424
00:15:12,910 --> 00:15:15,160
Look...
425
00:15:15,170 --> 00:15:17,029
every person is lots of things...
426
00:15:17,030 --> 00:15:19,039
some good things, some not-so-good,
427
00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,759
and sometimes all mixed up.
428
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,159
You don't want to be too quick to judge,
429
00:15:22,160 --> 00:15:23,240
especially yourself.
430
00:15:23,260 --> 00:15:25,569
- Another piece of advice?
- Sure.
431
00:15:25,570 --> 00:15:27,519
Start seeing less of Ol' Lady Strausser.
432
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:28,699
Let her down easy,
433
00:15:28,700 --> 00:15:30,620
but that's more about her
hip than anything else.
434
00:15:34,580 --> 00:15:36,659
Now that I knew some of my
family were catching on,
435
00:15:36,660 --> 00:15:39,779
I took Lawrence's warning about
not leaving a mess for Mom.
436
00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:48,259
Hey, hon!
437
00:15:48,260 --> 00:15:50,290
The dead raccoon is still in the street
438
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:52,189
in front of the apartment building.
439
00:15:52,190 --> 00:15:53,779
That's the problem with renters...
440
00:15:53,780 --> 00:15:55,829
no pride of ownership.
441
00:15:55,830 --> 00:15:57,890
I found this Sears
Catalog in Timmy's room,
442
00:15:57,900 --> 00:15:59,460
and look what he did to it.
443
00:15:59,470 --> 00:16:01,499
The pages are all stuck together.
444
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:03,219
- Oh, boy.
- And for some odd reason,
445
00:16:03,220 --> 00:16:04,869
it's "women's coats."
446
00:16:04,870 --> 00:16:06,719
Well, at that age, it
doesn't take a lot.
447
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:07,729
What are we supposed to do, Mike?
448
00:16:07,730 --> 00:16:09,339
Get rid of everything
with a woman's picture?
449
00:16:09,340 --> 00:16:10,759
"Hide the Mrs. Butterworth's bottle.
450
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:11,779
Timmy's on the make."
451
00:16:11,780 --> 00:16:13,099
Well, if they produced a better syrup,
452
00:16:13,100 --> 00:16:14,339
they wouldn't need to sex it up.
453
00:16:14,340 --> 00:16:15,669
The brass of that kid.
454
00:16:15,670 --> 00:16:16,919
And after you gave him that talking-to,
455
00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,489
he's still in there, guns a-blazin'.
456
00:16:18,490 --> 00:16:19,859
The thing is...
457
00:16:19,860 --> 00:16:22,559
I didn't really talk to him, Peg.
458
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:23,790
You were out there throwing a ball
459
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:24,989
for twenty minutes with that klutz.
460
00:16:24,990 --> 00:16:26,000
You better have talked to him,
461
00:16:26,001 --> 00:16:27,109
'cause that was painful to watch.
462
00:16:27,110 --> 00:16:28,590
I didn't bring it up with him
463
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:31,149
because I don't really agree with you.
464
00:16:31,150 --> 00:16:33,149
You're saying we have
different opinions on this?
465
00:16:33,150 --> 00:16:34,869
- I am.
- Oh, I guess one of us
466
00:16:34,870 --> 00:16:37,779
wants our kids to grow up to
be solid, tax-paying citizens
467
00:16:37,780 --> 00:16:38,890
when the other one wants them ending up
468
00:16:38,900 --> 00:16:40,499
in a sex-maniac ward at the nuthouse.
469
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,609
Look, if we overreact,
470
00:16:41,610 --> 00:16:44,349
we might give him "a complex," okay?
471
00:16:44,350 --> 00:16:47,579
Look, what Timmy is doing is normal.
472
00:16:47,580 --> 00:16:48,839
Every boy does it.
473
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:49,940
It's part of being a man.
474
00:16:50,900 --> 00:16:51,919
Do you do it?
475
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,999
No.
476
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,139
Of course not.
477
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:57,680
But I'm the exception.
478
00:16:57,690 --> 00:16:59,380
And this may come as a shock,
479
00:16:59,390 --> 00:17:01,329
but I'm pretty sure our older boys
480
00:17:01,330 --> 00:17:03,139
are blazin' their guns, as well.
481
00:17:03,140 --> 00:17:05,599
They're doing it, it's part of life,
482
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,059
and, honestly, it's
none of our business.
483
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:08,419
None of our business?
484
00:17:08,420 --> 00:17:10,229
Are we even raising these kids anymore?
485
00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:11,679
Yeah, but when they cross that line
486
00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:13,770
into stuff that makes
us sick to our stomach,
487
00:17:13,780 --> 00:17:14,949
it's time to give them some privacy.
488
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:18,379
Or I could just teach our
child some self-control.
489
00:17:18,380 --> 00:17:19,779
Privacy.
490
00:17:19,780 --> 00:17:21,419
Like we're one of those
hoity-toity families
491
00:17:21,420 --> 00:17:23,179
with a lock on the bathroom door.
492
00:17:23,180 --> 00:17:24,789
Check out this microwave
493
00:17:24,790 --> 00:17:26,419
I brought home, kids.
494
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:30,229
I like it more than I like any of you.
495
00:17:30,230 --> 00:17:31,829
Son, your mom and I
496
00:17:31,830 --> 00:17:34,099
and our open eyes are coming in.
497
00:17:34,100 --> 00:17:36,329
Honestly, there's no way
he's at it again...
498
00:17:38,260 --> 00:17:40,079
One cup detergent, hot
water, regular cycle.
499
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:41,800
It's your turn.
500
00:17:42,470 --> 00:17:44,870
Hey, can you guys come back later?
501
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,649
I was thinking of taking a nap.
502
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:50,079
- Oh, God.
- Well, it does make you sleepy, Peg.
503
00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,549
- What?
- What are we all talking about?
504
00:17:51,550 --> 00:17:53,179
No, you don't. Get out, and stay out!
505
00:17:53,180 --> 00:17:55,279
- Okay, geez!
- I know what you've been up to.
506
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,199
Mom, I really don't think you do.
507
00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,159
Timmy, go ahead, show them
what's under those covers.
508
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,389
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- No, no!
509
00:18:00,390 --> 00:18:01,760
It's not what you guys think. Go ahead.
510
00:18:01,770 --> 00:18:04,860
- There's no reason to hide it.
- Oh, my sweet and gentle Jesus.
511
00:18:06,630 --> 00:18:07,999
Just my puppets.
512
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,999
And sorry, I got some
more glue on the sheets.
513
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,840
You've been in here
playing with puppets?
514
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:16,369
Honestly,
515
00:18:16,370 --> 00:18:18,700
and after all the fuss you made...
516
00:18:21,180 --> 00:18:23,039
Hi, can I talk to Frank, please?
517
00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:24,109
You can.
518
00:18:24,110 --> 00:18:25,179
But it won't be fun or interesting.
519
00:18:25,180 --> 00:18:26,579
Hey, Frank!
520
00:18:26,580 --> 00:18:27,690
There's a pretty girl here to see you
521
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:29,149
for no discernible reason.
522
00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:36,489
Then you looked at me
horrified and just ran out.
523
00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:38,319
I'm ready to call that a mistake.
524
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:40,759
It felt insulting after
Mrs. Porter's toenails
525
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:41,990
that me kissing you was the thing
526
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:43,669
that sent you screaming
out of that room.
527
00:18:43,670 --> 00:18:45,779
If you'd be interested in
trying that kiss again,
528
00:18:45,780 --> 00:18:47,159
I promise this time not to cry.
529
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,180
You cried?
530
00:18:48,190 --> 00:18:49,780
What?
531
00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:51,820
No.
532
00:18:52,540 --> 00:18:54,409
Isn't Frank the sly one?
533
00:18:54,410 --> 00:18:56,379
I never pictured him as a lady-killer,
534
00:18:56,380 --> 00:18:58,259
except maybe the kind
you see on the news.
535
00:18:58,260 --> 00:19:00,019
Back away from the window, Peg.
536
00:19:00,020 --> 00:19:02,979
If you think watching Timmy try
to play catch was painful...
537
00:19:02,980 --> 00:19:06,219
We have seen a lot of
horrible things today.
538
00:19:06,220 --> 00:19:07,490
I don't know, maybe you're right
539
00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:08,979
about giving the kids more privacy.
540
00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:11,099
Well, it's not so much
for them as for us.
541
00:19:11,100 --> 00:19:12,879
Well, you should've said
that in the first place.
542
00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:14,269
I'd have been onboard right away.
543
00:19:14,270 --> 00:19:15,439
God.
544
00:19:15,440 --> 00:19:17,859
I feel really bad about the
way that I reacted today.
545
00:19:17,860 --> 00:19:20,059
I can be pretty judgmental about girls,
546
00:19:20,060 --> 00:19:21,169
thanks to my mother.
547
00:19:21,170 --> 00:19:23,829
She set this impossible
standard of excellence.
548
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,019
The mean lady at the door?
549
00:19:25,020 --> 00:19:26,199
Isn't she great?
550
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:27,560
What you did bugged me so much,
551
00:19:27,570 --> 00:19:28,999
I couldn't just let it go.
552
00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,649
I don't like to let that stuff build up.
553
00:19:30,650 --> 00:19:32,129
It might make me do something crazy.
554
00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:33,759
Crazy... like kissing
me again right now,
555
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:35,129
when I'm totally braced for it?
556
00:19:35,130 --> 00:19:36,479
More like vandalism...
557
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,189
or shoplifting...
558
00:19:38,190 --> 00:19:39,589
or burning my boyfriend's car.
559
00:19:39,590 --> 00:19:40,760
You have a boyfriend?
560
00:19:40,770 --> 00:19:42,159
Ex-boyfriend.
561
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:44,229
He loved that car.
562
00:19:44,230 --> 00:19:46,059
You should know, Frank,
563
00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:49,459
I don't volunteer at the nursing
home just out of kindness.
564
00:19:49,460 --> 00:19:51,599
It's court ordered for
juvenile offenders.
565
00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:52,809
Juvenile offend...
566
00:19:52,810 --> 00:19:54,739
I'm not judging.
567
00:19:54,740 --> 00:19:56,939
Although it sounds like
there was a judge involved.
568
00:19:56,940 --> 00:19:58,439
I am on a better path now,
569
00:19:58,440 --> 00:19:59,869
but if you can't handle a kiss,
570
00:19:59,870 --> 00:20:02,609
you will definitely freak out
over the rest of the package.
571
00:20:02,610 --> 00:20:03,909
A lot of guys have left me
572
00:20:03,910 --> 00:20:05,449
feeling pretty bad about myself...
573
00:20:05,450 --> 00:20:07,419
A lot of guys?
574
00:20:07,420 --> 00:20:09,579
Not judging. Don't burn my car.
575
00:20:09,580 --> 00:20:11,439
I am not putting myself
through that again.
576
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:12,499
Goodbye.
577
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:14,419
Goodbye, Angela.
578
00:20:14,420 --> 00:20:16,259
Hi, Joey.
579
00:20:16,260 --> 00:20:17,420
Angela.
580
00:20:19,620 --> 00:20:21,099
Congrats, man.
581
00:20:21,100 --> 00:20:23,769
Gotta say, I'm impressed.
582
00:20:23,770 --> 00:20:25,119
And not too proud
583
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:26,759
to extend my hand when
the better man wins.
584
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,169
I blew it.
585
00:20:28,170 --> 00:20:30,059
She told me she's not interested.
586
00:20:30,060 --> 00:20:32,479
And the world makes sense once again.
587
00:20:34,850 --> 00:20:37,150
I keep thinking how we're
gonna have to relive
588
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:39,739
that filthy milestone
with three more kids.
589
00:20:39,740 --> 00:20:41,019
Four.
590
00:20:41,020 --> 00:20:43,749
Timmy didn't know what the hell
we were talking about today.
591
00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:46,489
Men are animals.
592
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,229
I'm gonna have to go
593
00:20:58,230 --> 00:21:00,050
and put a load in the wash.
594
00:21:02,740 --> 00:21:04,880
That woman is a saint.
595
00:21:04,900 --> 00:21:07,220
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