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1
00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:01,442
.
2
00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:02,639
[Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath
My Wings" playing]
3
00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:06,812
*
4
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:12,150
- * Oh, whoa, whoa
5
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:13,510
* Oh
6
00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:16,047
- I don't get it.
Is he transferring or dying?
7
00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:17,524
- Yeah, Glenn, this is terrible.
8
00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:19,321
- Oh, I didn't make it.
Mateo did.
9
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:20,593
[all exclaim]
- That makes sense.
10
00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:22,621
- Shh!
Pay attention.
11
00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:24,826
What am I gonna miss the most?
12
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,498
Uh, the people?
13
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,558
They're salt of the Earth.
14
00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:34,637
Simple, basic.
Just sort of harmless.
15
00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:36,638
Am I scared?
[scoffs]
16
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:37,740
Of course I'm scared.
17
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:40,611
- Wait, so, um, who's
asking you these questions?
18
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,211
- Uh...
19
00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:43,643
*
20
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:44,547
- Whoa.
21
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,548
- That is not your chest.
- Yes it is.
22
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:48,250
- Then take off your shirt.
23
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:49,652
- I had a big breakfast.
24
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:50,953
My advice?
25
00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:54,524
I guess it would be leaving
every place you work at
26
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:56,555
a little bit better
than when you found it.
27
00:00:56,590 --> 00:01:00,430
Did I do that here?
Who can say?
28
00:01:00,461 --> 00:01:02,161
Yes.
29
00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,556
I think I did.
30
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,867
- Well, that was
a massive waste of time.
31
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,599
- Okay, moving on.
32
00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:10,165
We have not had
a tornado drill
33
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,174
in eight years,
so we really should--
34
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:13,236
- I started this journey
35
00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:14,614
as a small child
in the Philippines...
36
00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:16,582
[all groaning]
37
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:19,580
[upbeat music]
38
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:20,683
*
39
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:23,652
[quirky music]
40
00:01:23,684 --> 00:01:25,654
- So the tub faucet
is now working,
41
00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:30,456
but the drain is clogged with--
I'm gonna say fur, not hair.
42
00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:32,531
Oh, hold on
just one second, please.
43
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:36,230
Guys, corporate is coming down
on employee fraternization
44
00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:37,234
due to a recent incident.
45
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:40,325
- The incident of
you having gay sex with Mateo?
46
00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:41,598
- I'm not at liberty to say.
47
00:01:41,635 --> 00:01:44,335
And we actually
just call it sex.
48
00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:45,712
Uh, but the point is,
since you two
49
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:48,239
have been recently intimate--
50
00:01:48,276 --> 00:01:50,176
- Wait, does this mean
we gotta transfer too?
51
00:01:50,211 --> 00:01:52,311
- Oh, no, no way.
I am just getting used to
52
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:54,646
the wet horse smell
coming out of Elias's locker.
53
00:01:54,682 --> 00:01:56,722
- Uh, no.
Mateo only needs to transfer
54
00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,490
because I'm
at a district level.
55
00:01:58,519 --> 00:01:59,619
Sorry, that sounded like
I was bragging.
56
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,623
- No it didn't.
- Okay, the point is,
57
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:04,155
I just need you guys to fill out
these disclosure forms for me.
58
00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:05,262
Thank you.
Hi, sorry about that.
59
00:02:05,293 --> 00:02:06,633
So the phone
in my hotel room, yes.
60
00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:09,160
Sometimes when I'm on it,
I hear somebody breathing.
61
00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:10,697
- This is where
you'll be working?
62
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,671
It looks so different.
63
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,270
- It's a Cloud 9 Signature.
64
00:02:15,303 --> 00:02:18,713
They have a beauty concierge,
their produce is all organic,
65
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:22,309
and their cafe has never
given anyone diarrhea.
66
00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:24,353
- That is impressive.
- How did you get
67
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,948
all these pictures
of the store?
68
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,720
- It's on Yelp.
- Ohh, yeah.
69
00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:32,590
- It's a website
where people post reviews.
70
00:02:32,620 --> 00:02:35,760
- Wait, do you think
our store has a Yelf?
71
00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:37,589
- I'm sure we do.
72
00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,485
- Ah, well,
it's amazing how quickly
73
00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:40,727
you all made this about you.
74
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:43,631
- Voila!
- Oh, my God!
75
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:44,604
Look at that!
76
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:47,672
We're famous!
168 reviews.
77
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,741
- "Store's okay.
I usually stop there
78
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:51,440
because it's on my way home."
79
00:02:51,472 --> 00:02:53,712
- We're on his way home.
80
00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,411
- Uh...
81
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:56,613
- Wait, stop!
82
00:02:56,644 --> 00:03:01,384
"Cloud 9, more like Cloud 1,
as in the one star I'm giving
83
00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:03,415
because I can't give zero."
84
00:03:03,451 --> 00:03:04,791
- Ha!
He's a good writer.
85
00:03:04,818 --> 00:03:06,548
- Glen, just ignore this.
86
00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:08,687
That guy's a troll.
87
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:10,422
No, uh, no.
88
00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:12,728
Uh, he's a full-sized
human being,
89
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,700
non-mythical who writes
mean things on the Internet.
90
00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:17,529
- What?
- Yeah, 99% of the Internet
91
00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:19,495
is just people
tearing other people down.
92
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,373
It's actually why
I am considering
93
00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:24,312
leaving social media.
- Just do it, already.
94
00:03:24,338 --> 00:03:27,378
Ugh, you don't get points
for talking about it.
95
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:30,338
- My friend Corona sells her pee
on the Internet.
96
00:03:32,546 --> 00:03:34,716
- Hey, what'd you put
for nature of relationship?
97
00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:37,548
They only have "spouse,"
"family member," and "romantic."
98
00:03:37,585 --> 00:03:40,245
- Yeah, I just marked romantic,
basically because
99
00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:42,288
it was the closest to where
my pen already was.
100
00:03:42,323 --> 00:03:44,493
- Okay, look.
There is nothing romantic
101
00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:45,685
about this relationship.
102
00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,556
I have been very clear
about that.
103
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,655
- Yeah, I agree with you.
But we're not family members
104
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,697
and we're definitely
not married, so...
105
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:54,642
- I'm calling Corporate.
106
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:55,538
- You've called Corporate
so much
107
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,609
that you have memorized
their number?
108
00:03:57,638 --> 00:03:58,708
- You're gonna need
to talk first.
109
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,509
Ask for extension 224.
110
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:03,381
If the operator hears my voice,
she won't put me through.
111
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:05,511
- Yeah, extension 224, please.
112
00:04:05,546 --> 00:04:06,676
Oh.
113
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:09,649
- Ha!
I got through!
114
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:11,423
- You know, I feel kinda bad
that I got promoted
115
00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:12,752
and you guys didn't.
116
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:13,886
- Oh, is getting transferred
117
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:16,761
because you're sleeping with
Jeff considered a promotion?
118
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,490
- [mouthing]
He's so jealous.
119
00:04:18,526 --> 00:04:19,686
- [mouthing]
I know.
120
00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,827
- Hey, there you are.
- Hey.
121
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:25,472
- Got your transfer paperwork
right here.
122
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:26,599
So just go ahead
and fill that out
123
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:28,674
and get it turned in to me
with your Social Security card
124
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,502
and we're good to go.
- Cool.
125
00:04:30,538 --> 00:04:32,708
Um, I-I can actually
just give you the number.
126
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,780
- Uh, no, they actually need to
see the card these days.
127
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:36,778
They gotta run it through
E-Verify.
128
00:04:36,810 --> 00:04:38,650
Is that gonna be a problem?
- No, no, no.
129
00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:42,579
No, I just didn't realize this
store was like Nazi Germany.
130
00:04:42,616 --> 00:04:45,686
Ve must see your documents.
Heil Hitler, Mein Fuhrer.
131
00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:53,792
- Social Security card.
- Great, no problem.
132
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,627
No--no problem.
133
00:04:56,664 --> 00:05:00,474
- Do undocumented people
have documents?
134
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,541
- No.
No, we don't.
135
00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:03,900
- Oh.
136
00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:05,537
So, like, won't that
be an issue?
137
00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:08,636
.
138
00:05:08,676 --> 00:05:09,076
- So...that's it.
139
00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:13,608
Corporate's gonna find out
that my documents are fake.
140
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,677
I'm gonna get deported.
141
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:17,515
And Jeff is gonna
get back together with his ex.
142
00:05:17,551 --> 00:05:20,651
Oh, congratulations, Chad.
You win.
143
00:05:20,688 --> 00:05:21,818
- You know what?
Maybe you should try
144
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:22,815
talking to Jeff.
145
00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:24,086
Maybe he could--
he could, like,
146
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:25,434
fudge the paperwork
or something.
147
00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:26,689
- Mm.
- Great idea.
148
00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:28,597
"Hey Jeff, you know how
149
00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:30,399
"you're barely even allowed
to date me?
150
00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:33,671
Well, surprise, turns out you're
also illegally employing me."
151
00:05:33,701 --> 00:05:35,101
- And I'd marry you if I could.
152
00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:38,865
But I'm supposed to marry Bo
and he already bought a tie.
153
00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:41,806
- That's okay.
Thanks anyway.
154
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,880
- You know what?
155
00:05:44,912 --> 00:05:47,522
Screw it.
I'll do it.
156
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,418
I'll marry you.
157
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:52,722
- Ew.
158
00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,593
- I don't understand
the problem.
159
00:05:54,622 --> 00:05:56,722
- The problem, Maureen,
is you have boxes
160
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,757
for eight different types
of "Pacific Islander,"
161
00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,502
but only three for what
this relationship is.
162
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:02,859
- Well, it's just
for the files.
163
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,796
- It doesn't matter.
Just check the box
164
00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:06,602
and let's move on
with our lives.
165
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:09,144
- Fine.
Whatever.
166
00:06:09,169 --> 00:06:10,339
- This doesn't mean
that you're in love.
167
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,540
It's just saying that
you're in a relationship
168
00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:13,573
that entails some level
169
00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:16,677
of mutual attraction
and closeness.
170
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:20,110
- Maureen, we're gonna need
to speak to your supervisor.
171
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:22,647
- Sometimes people ask me,
"Hey, how'd you get
172
00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:24,553
those light bulbs way up there?"
173
00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,185
And the answer is:
I don't know.
174
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,189
[laughs]
175
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,860
Oh, hey, Amy.
This is Amy.
176
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,659
She's our intrepid
floor supervisor.
177
00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:33,132
Amy, this is him.
178
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,730
Frenchfryguy81.
179
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:36,833
- Tim.
180
00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:38,974
- The troll who wrote
the Yelp review.
181
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:42,669
- Oh, oh.
No, I wouldn't call him that.
182
00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:45,743
But--so, you invited him back?
183
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:47,843
- Yeah, I mean, I couldn't rest
knowing there was
184
00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:51,645
an unhappy customer out there
who thinks that this place is,
185
00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:54,579
you know,
quote "a bleep show."
186
00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:55,715
- Oh, I'm sorry.
187
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,749
I was probably having
a pretty bad day
188
00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,745
when I wrote that review.
- Oh, we all come down
189
00:06:59,787 --> 00:07:01,687
with a case
of the crabs sometimes.
190
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,522
- That's an interesting choice
of words.
191
00:07:03,557 --> 00:07:05,657
- Yeah, anyway, I'm giving him
the VIP tour.
192
00:07:05,693 --> 00:07:08,563
Come on, I'll show you
the giant trash compactor.
193
00:07:08,596 --> 00:07:10,696
- Oh, that is the VIP tour.
- Yeah.
194
00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:13,531
- Have fun.
- What else have you written?
195
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:17,237
- Uh, I once wrote a review of
the Burger King down on Delmar.
196
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,640
- Oh, I would love
to read that.
197
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:21,913
- So is the fear you'd be
committing some kind of fraud?
198
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,712
- No, Robbie, Robbie.
You're not listening to us.
199
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:25,575
- Let me break this down
for everyone.
200
00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:28,223
This is strictly sex.
No one stays over
201
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,978
and we keep an even tally
in terms of orgasms.
202
00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:31,848
Actually, now that
I think about it,
203
00:07:31,885 --> 00:07:33,685
I owe you a--yeah.
- I am well aware.
204
00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:35,191
- This is T.J. from Legal.
205
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:36,592
I've only been on the call
the last 36 minutes,
206
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:39,764
but I still think that the
totality of the circumstances
207
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,033
points to
a romantic relationship.
208
00:07:41,061 --> 00:07:42,261
- Come on.
- Mm, dude, no, man.
209
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,865
In a relationship, you know
things about the other person.
210
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:47,738
I don't know anything
about Dina, nor do I care to.
211
00:07:47,768 --> 00:07:49,568
- The feeling's mutual.
Where did I grow up?
212
00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:51,513
- I don't know.
Is my father dead or alive?
213
00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:52,869
- [imitates buzzer]
What is, "Don't care, Alex?"
214
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,676
- Guys, it's just a box.
215
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:56,678
- Actually, sorry to be
a fly in the ointment,
216
00:07:56,710 --> 00:07:59,680
but if there are absolutely no
feelings of intimacy involved,
217
00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:01,953
it could make things
a little grayer, legally.
218
00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:04,692
- Yes, that's our point.
- Thank you.
219
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:07,048
- Well thank God
we looped in T.J.
220
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,519
[knocking]
- Hey, Glenn.
221
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:12,558
We found a muddy tire
in Softlines.
222
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:13,993
Nobody knows how it got there
and we don't know
223
00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,957
what to do with it.
- Yeah, okay, glad to hear.
224
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:19,067
- Glenn.
- Hm?
225
00:08:19,099 --> 00:08:23,299
Oh, sorry, I'm just responding
to all these old reviews.
226
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,266
- Oh...
- Like, in 2006,
227
00:08:25,305 --> 00:08:29,835
this lady found a pool of vomit
in Electronics.
228
00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:32,747
"Dear Verna301,
229
00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:35,720
we have cleaned up the vomit."
230
00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:37,319
We have cleaned up
the vomit, right?
231
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:39,950
- Yeah.
I believe so.
232
00:08:39,987 --> 00:08:41,787
- Wha--
[gasps]
233
00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:45,692
Frenchfryguy81
updated his review!
234
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:48,696
"So the manager invited me
back to the store
235
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:54,599
and tried to brainwash me with
an hour-long propaganda tour."
236
00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:57,065
"Pathetic man."
237
00:08:57,104 --> 00:08:59,774
"Muppet voice."
238
00:08:59,807 --> 00:09:01,777
Why would anyone write this?
239
00:09:01,809 --> 00:09:03,579
- Because he likes complaining.
240
00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:07,351
Don't engage.
You won't win.
241
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:08,920
- Well, you can die trying.
242
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:10,949
[clacking keys]
243
00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:13,024
- * Whispers at the bus stop
244
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,723
* Well, I've heard about
245
00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,755
* Nights out
in the school yard *
246
00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:19,760
* I found out about you
247
00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:21,803
- So we've got Robbie,
T.J. from Legal,
248
00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:24,029
Delores from Compliance,
Mark from Operations,
249
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,074
and the whole team
in Associate Relations.
250
00:09:26,099 --> 00:09:27,069
Is everyone up to speed?
251
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:28,770
- Got it.
- Yep.
252
00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:29,802
- Sorry if I cut out.
I'm on a cruise ship.
253
00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:31,707
- I think what we're
coming to here
254
00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:33,309
is adding a fourth box.
- Yes!
255
00:09:33,340 --> 00:09:34,740
Yeah, that's all we're asking.
256
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:35,805
- Back on track.
257
00:09:35,843 --> 00:09:37,783
- Okay, so what do we
label the box?
258
00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:39,851
- Um...
259
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:40,880
- Oh, uh...
260
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,954
- Like, uh,
"Friends with Benefits"?
261
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:45,123
- Oh.
I wouldn't say we're friends.
262
00:09:45,152 --> 00:09:46,952
- Hmm, oh,
so maybe more like a--
263
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:50,687
and apologies, Maureen--
but like "A Hate Effing Thing"?
264
00:09:50,724 --> 00:09:52,864
Again, sorry, Maureen.
- That's okay, T.J.
265
00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:54,763
I'm a grown-up.
- Yeah, you know what?
266
00:09:54,795 --> 00:09:56,725
The thing is
that I don't hate Dina.
267
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,374
Eh, I'm just more ambivalent.
268
00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,798
- Yeah, almost like an apathy.
- Maybe an apathy.
269
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:02,344
- Yeah, I could go with apathy.
270
00:10:02,369 --> 00:10:04,669
[ship horn blares]
271
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:06,965
- Sorry, that's me.
We're just pulling into port.
272
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:08,377
- So you're not a refugee.
273
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:10,808
You're not
a special agricultural worker.
274
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:12,754
Any interest
in joining the military?
275
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:13,780
- [sighs]
Hm...
276
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:15,824
I don't trust myself
with a weapon.
277
00:10:15,849 --> 00:10:17,819
I would like killing too much.
278
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:19,891
- Oh, or you could
just get beat up.
279
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,890
"Person may be eligible
for a special U.N. visa
280
00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:24,933
"if they are a victim
of a violent crime,
281
00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,088
such as an assault."
282
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,086
- That's crazy.
283
00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,957
I can't believe that's real.
284
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:31,826
- So I would just
need to get punched.
285
00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:35,035
- No, it seems like you'd have
to get your ass beat pretty bad.
286
00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:36,698
- [sighs]
287
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:39,707
- Or, if you don't wanna
get your ass beat,
288
00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:41,740
I'm still willing to marry you.
289
00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:43,705
- Oh, thank you, Jonah.
290
00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:45,184
When you put it like that...
291
00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:47,852
the ass beating
doesn't sound so bad.
292
00:10:47,881 --> 00:10:49,821
[quirky music]
293
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:52,923
.
294
00:10:52,953 --> 00:10:53,723
- Hey, look at us.
Two regular Joes,
295
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:58,188
enjoying some
good old FFs, huh?
296
00:10:58,225 --> 00:10:59,925
- Yeah.
Thanks.
297
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,100
You really didn't
have to do this.
298
00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:04,399
- Well, I wanted
to talk to you,
299
00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:06,431
not just as a store manager.
300
00:11:06,466 --> 00:11:09,836
You know,
I'm also a human being.
301
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:10,970
Here.
302
00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:19,975
Stupid.
303
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,723
- You get the...
304
00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:22,719
Do you need--
do you need a hand?
305
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,020
- Hm?
306
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:27,721
No, no, no.
It--it's symbolic.
307
00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:30,955
- Look, I regretted that review
as soon as I wrote it.
308
00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:32,991
You were so nice before.
309
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:35,156
I'm sorry.
310
00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,825
- Apology accepted.
311
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:41,095
- "So now this idiot
drags me back a second time
312
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:44,844
to force feed me French fries
and do a strip show"?
313
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:47,112
- I used to be a people person.
314
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,810
When I was at
the hardware store,
315
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:51,142
I could cheer up
any unhappy customer
316
00:11:51,178 --> 00:11:54,148
with, like, a smile
or a few words.
317
00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:59,091
Or sometimes I'd slam my finger
in the cash register as a joke.
318
00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:02,489
- Ah, look, Glenn,
you're still a people person.
319
00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:05,792
- I wish the Internet
had never been invented.
320
00:12:05,826 --> 00:12:07,826
Although then Jerusha
wouldn't be able
321
00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:10,131
to buy her Chinese cigarettes.
322
00:12:11,131 --> 00:12:14,101
[lively music playing]
323
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:18,774
*
324
00:12:18,806 --> 00:12:20,466
- What the hell?
325
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:21,777
Why did you do that?
326
00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:23,039
- 'Cause I felt like it.
327
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:25,276
What are you gonna do about it?
328
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:27,852
- All right.
329
00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:29,921
I'm writing up a 32-50 on you.
330
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:31,790
And that's going in your file
for life.
331
00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:33,789
[vacuum whirring]
- Your mom's a whore.
332
00:12:33,821 --> 00:12:35,921
- I can't hear you.
What did you say?
333
00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:38,226
- Your mom is a whore!
334
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,958
- Okay, I'll get on that next.
335
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:46,072
- Hey, Brett.
I'm mad at you, let's fight.
336
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:49,199
Ah! What?
Put that away, you psycho!
337
00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:50,896
Oh, my God!
338
00:12:50,938 --> 00:12:51,908
Jesus.
339
00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:58,253
- Oh, hello, Frenchfryguy81.
340
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:00,548
- What are you doing here?
- We need to talk.
341
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:02,850
- Now's not a good time.
- Why?
342
00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:05,153
Are you busy spewing hateful
things about good people
343
00:13:05,185 --> 00:13:06,845
from the comfort of your own...
344
00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,287
[tense music]
345
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:10,861
Home?
346
00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:11,831
Uh...
[clears throat]
347
00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:12,829
Um...
348
00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:15,000
- [coughing]
349
00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:17,328
Timmy.
Tim.
350
00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:20,574
I need you to restart
the "Quantum Leap" video.
351
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:23,900
- Mom, I'll take care of you
in a minute.
352
00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,967
- Oh, um, I--so...
353
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:30,608
- What about
"Sexual Co-workers"?
354
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:33,013
- Awful.
- Just say you don't care.
355
00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:34,846
- What about "Friends with--"
- Say "Friends with Benefits"
356
00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:37,852
one more time
and see what happens.
357
00:13:37,885 --> 00:13:39,215
- I was gonna say
"Friends with" something else.
358
00:13:39,252 --> 00:13:40,252
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
359
00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:41,857
- What were you gonna say?
360
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:48,098
- "Benefits."
- Yeah.
361
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:49,298
Pathetic.
362
00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:53,099
- My friends and I would say
that you guys are just chilling.
363
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:56,143
- Wait, full-on sex is now
considered just chilling?
364
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,309
- Uh-huh, and mouth stuff
is hanging out,
365
00:13:58,338 --> 00:14:00,268
and hand stuff is pretty much,
366
00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:02,577
I like you but just as a friend.
367
00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:04,909
- Hm.
Wow, times have changed.
368
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:05,975
- Yeah.
369
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,051
- [coughs]
370
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,253
[tape rewinder whirring]
371
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:14,324
[coughing]
372
00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:19,964
[whirring and coughing continue]
373
00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:26,072
- Sorry, this will just be
a couple of minutes.
374
00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:27,599
- [clears throat]
375
00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:30,344
- Come on!
- No, I'm not gonna beat you up.
376
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,570
- Oh, so you'd just rather
I get kicked out of the country?
377
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:33,635
I thought you were my friend.
378
00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:35,583
- I am your friend.
379
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:37,308
That's why I offered
to marry you.
380
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,314
- For the last time,
I will not marry you, Jonah!
381
00:14:42,249 --> 00:14:44,649
- I-I don't wanna marry him.
382
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:47,024
I just think that he should
wanna marry me.
383
00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:48,964
Never mind.
Keep shopping.
384
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:52,259
- Look, I know
you don't want to hurt me,
385
00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:55,202
but not doing this
is hurting me.
386
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,628
So...
387
00:14:57,664 --> 00:14:59,634
if you're really my friend,
388
00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:03,096
please, beat the hell out of me.
389
00:15:05,205 --> 00:15:06,635
- Okay, let's do this.
390
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:08,143
Let's rumble.
391
00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:09,305
- Oh.
392
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:10,982
- [grunts]
393
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,282
- Why are you
stretching your legs?
394
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:15,954
- That's where
the power comes from.
395
00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:18,953
- Okay.
How do you want to do this?
396
00:15:18,986 --> 00:15:20,946
- Uh, I don't know.
397
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:22,618
I'm not really
much of a fighter.
398
00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:25,225
- I guess just start
with a punch in the face?
399
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,028
- Yeah, yeah, okay.
400
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,360
Uh, uh...
401
00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:30,225
Maybe--maybe close your eyes.
402
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:33,233
Yeah, just--yeah, okay, cool.
403
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,366
[sighs]
404
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:36,971
Uh, on second thought,
open your eyes.
405
00:15:37,004 --> 00:15:38,114
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Open?
406
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:40,068
- Okay.
407
00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,107
Here it comes.
408
00:15:42,142 --> 00:15:44,082
Here we go.
409
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,981
No, see, now you're just
staring at me
410
00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:47,153
and--and that's weird.
411
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,680
- [sighs]
Oh, come on.
412
00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:50,475
Uh, don't think of it
as a hate crime.
413
00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:52,217
- Well, I wasn't.
414
00:15:52,252 --> 00:15:54,052
But now I am.
415
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:57,487
- You could just stomp
on his head.
416
00:15:57,524 --> 00:15:59,264
- Yeah, how about
I just do this?
417
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,302
What if I just kind of
go like this?
418
00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:04,959
And you just sort of
walk into it.
419
00:16:15,242 --> 00:16:15,412
.
420
00:16:15,442 --> 00:16:16,312
- Come on, just hit me.
- I'm trying, okay?
421
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:19,705
Say something mean.
- Like what?
422
00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,376
- Um, I don't know.
423
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,424
Oh, say something mean
about Beyoncé.
424
00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:25,320
- [scoffs]
I'd rather be deported.
425
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:27,452
- Mateo, it's not that easy
to just punch somebody
426
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:28,687
that you're not fighting with.
427
00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:30,191
- Fine.
Then let's fight.
428
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:31,393
- Well--
- Come on.
429
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:32,394
- Okay, but I--
- Hit me, wuss.
430
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:35,225
- Well, I-I--we already--
- Come on, hit me.
431
00:16:35,262 --> 00:16:37,032
- Well, I--
this is not necessary.
432
00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:39,034
- Hit me.
- I'd like--I'd like to hit you.
433
00:16:39,066 --> 00:16:39,826
- Hit me.
434
00:16:39,866 --> 00:16:41,326
- No--Mateo, my point--
- Hit me!
435
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,498
- Ow!
- Oh!
436
00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:44,365
[tense music]
437
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:46,314
- All right!
438
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:47,739
Now you go.
439
00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:49,384
*
440
00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,479
- I could tell he hit you hard
because it's the only time
441
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,451
I've ever seen your hair move.
442
00:16:53,480 --> 00:16:55,150
- I thought
it was gonna be one of those
443
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:58,092
straight guy things where
I hit you and you hit me back.
444
00:16:58,118 --> 00:17:00,448
- Why isn't pacifism
a straight guy thing?
445
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:02,217
- I don't know.
It just isn't.
446
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:05,555
- So...
what are you gonna do now?
447
00:17:05,592 --> 00:17:07,092
- [sighs]
448
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:10,495
I don't know.
449
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,300
- Just--just talk to Jeff.
450
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:17,073
He cares about you.
You'll--you'll work it out.
451
00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:19,244
- Yeah, maybe.
452
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:22,142
- I'm sorry I didn't
come through for you.
453
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:25,475
- Yeah, you really blew it.
454
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:28,422
- All right, we have been
talking and--
455
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:32,288
- We'd like a fourth box added,
labeled as "other."
456
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:33,789
- That's it?
"Other"?
457
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:37,090
- We're very excited
about "other," Maureen.
458
00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:39,334
- Okay, fine.
"Other" it is.
459
00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:40,359
- Legal signs off.
- Sounds good.
460
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,533
- I missed the Captain's dinner
for this.
461
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,232
[line clicks]
- All right.
462
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:46,334
"Other."
- Hey, I'm happy with it.
463
00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:47,326
Boom.
- Did it!
464
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:49,337
- Hey, good job.
- Yeah.
465
00:17:49,369 --> 00:17:51,469
- Yeah.
466
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:52,544
Okay.
467
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:54,612
- I'm gonna just go
dock your pay,
468
00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:57,111
'cause you should have been
working all this time.
469
00:17:57,144 --> 00:17:58,514
Slacker.
470
00:17:58,545 --> 00:17:59,775
- You got bird seed
in your hair.
471
00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:01,782
- Shut up.
472
00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:04,524
[rabbit squeaks]
473
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:06,521
- Did you give her the cookies?
474
00:18:06,553 --> 00:18:08,623
- I gave them to her.
475
00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:10,315
You don't have to eat those.
476
00:18:10,357 --> 00:18:12,627
- Well, I can't
because they're dominoes.
477
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:20,595
- Look, I haven't worked
in six months.
478
00:18:20,633 --> 00:18:22,643
GameStop said
they were cutting back,
479
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:26,439
but then I went in there,
and they hired four new girls.
480
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:28,910
So then I get on the computer,
481
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:32,451
where I'm the guy who can win
for a change.
482
00:18:33,580 --> 00:18:35,380
Oh, forget it.
I'm not explaining it right.
483
00:18:35,415 --> 00:18:37,575
- No, no.
I get it.
484
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:42,317
I mean, it's not like
my life is so terrific.
485
00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:47,155
I have tons of debt.
My marriage is struggling.
486
00:18:47,194 --> 00:18:50,304
And it all feels like
it's never gonna change.
487
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:52,570
[quirky music]
488
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:54,399
- Wow.
489
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,404
Your life sounds
as bad as mine.
490
00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:57,536
[rabbit squeaks]
491
00:18:57,570 --> 00:18:59,640
- Uh-huh.
- Timmy, one of the rabbits
492
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,212
is eating the other one.
493
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:05,351
- I'll get around to it, Ma!
494
00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:06,608
[sighs]
495
00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:09,176
*
496
00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:10,576
You know, it feels like ages
497
00:19:10,617 --> 00:19:14,887
since I've just sat and talked
to somebody like this.
498
00:19:14,921 --> 00:19:19,491
- Yeah.
This is--this is nice.
499
00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:20,956
- Friends?
500
00:19:20,993 --> 00:19:23,403
- Friends.
501
00:19:23,430 --> 00:19:26,630
- "And then this psycho stalker
doesn't eat the cookies
502
00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,336
my mom offered her."
503
00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:29,538
You wouldn't eat the cookies?
504
00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:31,469
- Well, they were dominoes.
505
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:34,614
The point is, he was
as mean to me as he was to you.
506
00:19:34,641 --> 00:19:37,411
- Oh, no,
he's way meaner to you.
507
00:19:37,444 --> 00:19:40,484
He says you're a munchkin.
[laughs]
508
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,353
- Glad to see
you're feeling better.
509
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:45,352
- He calls you "Lamey Amy."
510
00:19:45,385 --> 00:19:47,945
Oh, that's clever.
511
00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:49,587
He's a good writer.
512
00:19:50,923 --> 00:19:52,233
- Jeff.
513
00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:53,629
Jeff, wait.
- Hey!
514
00:19:53,660 --> 00:19:56,600
- Ah, a little celebratory
dinner tonight?
515
00:19:56,629 --> 00:20:01,269
I made us a reservation
at the place with the fish tank.
516
00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:03,271
- I can't transfer.
517
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:05,573
- What?
Why?
518
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:08,005
- Uh...
I just...
519
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,580
It's complicated, but I--
I just can't.
520
00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:13,651
- All right, well, I mean,
we talked about it.
521
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,650
I would transfer but there's...
522
00:20:15,682 --> 00:20:16,782
- No, I'm not asking you
to transfer.
523
00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:18,516
- No, but I'm just saying,
if this is about your career,
524
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,021
I totally get that.
- It's not about the job.
525
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:22,562
- Okay, but it would be
a lateral move at worst for you.
526
00:20:22,589 --> 00:20:25,629
- Jeff, please listen to me.
I just--I'm not...
527
00:20:27,994 --> 00:20:31,404
I'm not...
528
00:20:31,431 --> 00:20:33,431
in love with you.
529
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:36,571
- Oh.
530
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:38,373
I...uh...
531
00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:45,475
Are you breaking up with me?
532
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:50,424
- I'm sorry.
[sighs]
533
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:53,420
[solemn music]
534
00:20:53,453 --> 00:21:00,293
*
535
00:21:01,328 --> 00:21:04,558
- Are you okay?
536
00:21:04,597 --> 00:21:06,567
- Not really.
537
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:09,569
I just--I don't know if
I did the right thing--
538
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,572
- [gasps]
539
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:14,044
- Ha.
I did it!
540
00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:15,043
Whoo!
541
00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:16,684
- Ulch.
- Cheyenne, I did it.
542
00:21:16,709 --> 00:21:18,679
- [moans]
Oh.
543
00:21:18,711 --> 00:21:20,581
- [panting]
544
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:21,653
You're welcome.
38701