Original subtitles

Uh, Tori can cover your shift. You just get some rest.

- Thanks, Glenn.

- Hey, is that Amy? - Yeah.

She's got a terrible cold.

- Oh, no. Hey, sweetie.

You sound terrible... Shrill, but in a different way.

- Yeah... It's pretty bad.

- Uh-huh. Hey, Ames, can you hold on a sec?

Yeah, she's faking. - No, she is not.

- Glenn, I love Amy like a sister,

and she is a liar and a fraud, like my sister.

- I'm still on, by the way.

- Hey, sweetie!

- You ignore her.

You just get well soon, okay?

- Thank you.

- So can I pretend to be sick to miss school Monday?

- No, this is different.

- How?

- It just is. It's an adult thing.

You'll understand someday. Come on.

Hi...

Oh, my God, that's Jeff, my district manager.

Why would he come all the way out here to watch a movie?

- I mean, I'm just saying, we're friends,

so if you did play hooky yesterday,

you can totally tell me.

- I wasn't.

- Are you sure you should be drinking coffee?

Caffeine mixed with cold medication

can have the same effects as meth.

- Really? I've never heard that.

- Oh, it's true.

- I guess...

- Yeah, all of it.

- Hey, Sandra. How's it going?

- Pretty good. Someone stole my cat again.

- Excuse me, I'm having a conversation with Amy.

- I think we were all caught up.

- Are we?

How are things, Sandra.

How's Jeff?

- Great. He might take me to Paris.

- Aww, Paris? That sounds so serious.

- I hate Paris.

That place is just one giant gay ashtray.

- Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers,

today is Cloud 9's Wellness Fair,

where we're offering vision tests,

blood pressure screenings, and tips on living

your best, healthiest life.

Why go to a doctor when you can get medical advice

from the same place you get dish soap?

- I love the Wellness Fair.

We're gonna save a lot of lives today.

- It's mostly handing out informational pamphlets, right?

- And buttons.

- You know, I, uh... I actually thought about

going to medical school for a minute.

- No way. - Yeah.

- I wanted be a doctor too. - Really?

- Yes, really.

Why is that a surprise?

- It's not.

- You don't think I could be a doctor?

- No, no-no-no. Glenn, come on, no.

I just... I'm... I don't even think I could be a doctor.

- Oh... Not even you.

- No, that's... I... That's out of context.

- I have to take these buttons over there.

- I love medicine. I watch all those shows.

"I need 10ccs, stat."

"Prep the incubation tray."

"I can't have sex with you.

I'm an intern."

- Yeah, that all sounds pretty medically accurate.

If you knew that a friend's boyfriend was cheating on her

with another one of your friends,

would you say something?

- Hmm, that's a tough one.

Is it Kylie or Emily?

- Okay, look, I wasn't actually home sick yesterday.

And I saw Jeff with... Mateo...

Kissing each other.

- Wow! - Weird.

- Whoa. - Hmm.

- Woof. - Seriously?

This is your reaction?

Jeff is cheating on Sandra with Mateo.

What do I do? Do I... do I... Do I talk to her?

Do I confront him?

- Okay, here's what you do.

Nothing.

- What? Come on.

- Look, you don't know the situation.

This is like "Jurassic Park."

You start messing around with something

and before you know it, you're getting bit in half

while you're sitting on the toilet.

- It's true, Amy. That's what happens.

- Okay, thanks, guys.

This was great. - Mm-hmm.

- Helpful. Thanks.

That Mateo's the one who's been dating Jeff all along?

- Nah, it's better just to stay out of it.

People don't need to know who's boning who.

- Yeah.

Do you wanna hear my lawyer? - Mm-mm.

- "Objection, your honor, he's harassing the witness!"

"Oh, that's not a judge, that's a bomb."

- It must be so rewarding to be a nurse.

Well, except when patients die.

That must be a real kick in the shins, huh?

- How many people have you seen die?

But I'm not sure it counts, 'cause it was all at once.

- Hey, uh, Glenn? - Hm?

Jonah, I'm talking medicine to this nurse.

Oh, I'm sorry, is that offensive?

Do we say doctor now?

- Only to doctors.

- Hey, where should I put these cups?

- Put them over there with the rest of them.

I set up a little juice station at the entrance...

Sort of a healthy treat to get people in the mood.

- You know, uh, juice actually isn't that healthy.

- Juice? It's from fruit.

It's like the healthiest stuff on the planet.

Fruit juice is loaded with sugar.

- Oh, good to know.

I guess Jonah's right, and I'm something else.

- Hey, uh, did you see that documentary "Fed Up"?

- Oh, with Katie Couric? - Yeah.

- Loved it. Did you see "Fork over Knife"?

- Oh, my God. I... I was devastated by it.

- Did you guys see "Babe 2: Pig in the City"?

I seem to have wound up with two copies at my house.

- I picked you up some samples.

- There's like 50 condoms in here.

- Show some gratitude. They're for your penis.

- Thank you? - You're welcome.

Now did Amy say anything to you

about what she was doing yesterday?

- No. - Would you tell me if she did?

- No. - You don't deserve these.

- Okay, fine, I don't like condoms anyway.

- Well played. Now I call first dibs,

but you can use those with whoever you want...

I mean, me, someone else, solo work.

- Solo work?

- So according to your wellness chart,

you should shave that mustache.

- Can I see that? - Shave it.

You'll thank me later.

- Hey! What up, my... hm... Mateo?

- Okay? - How's it hanging?

Who you seeing? - Oh, God.

Okay, can you please stop trying to set me up

with your brother? Okay? No offense,

maybe he just doesn't photograph well.

- Okay, look, I saw you at the movie theater

yesterday with Jeff.

Can we please not talk about this here?

- Talk about what, Mateo? The fact that I saw you

making out with Sandra's boyfriend?

Okay.

He's not her boyfriend. He's my boyfriend.

Since October. - That doesn't make any sense.

No, you haven't.

That's us on a picnic.

That's us at the pool in his hotel.

That's us as Nick Nolte and Barbara Streisand

in "Prince of Tides."

What about Sandra?

- She's just been saying she's dating him

to get attention.

- Oh, my God. That is...

That is so... - Smart.

- Sad.

- Sad. Yes.

Well, could you just please not say anything to anyone?

It wouldn't be good if this got out.

- No... yeah, obviously.

Because of the huge age difference,

but I'm really excited.

Hey, Ames, guess what? - Huh?

- Jeff's banging Mateo, and Sandra's insane.

Don't tell anyone though.

Hey, Gare, guess what?

That Sandra's been making it up the whole time?

- Maybe it'll be good for everyone to know.

Maybe Sandra will be happy.

- Yeah, 'cause that's usually why people with low self-esteem

commit to elaborate lies for weeks...

'cause they just want the truth to come out.

- Okay, I can fix this. I just need to gather

everybody who knows, and then tell them.

- Why aren't you listening to me?

Just do nothing.

It is the easiest advice to take.

I do it, and I am thriving.

- Man, that is true. He's killing it.

- Hey, Glenn, you want a little help with that?

Those things can be tricky.

- It's okay, I know how to ride a bike.

I've been doing it since I was 19.

- Oh, all right.

Yeah, you know what, I... These things are ridiculous.

How 'bout I just help ya maybe adjust some of the...

- You know what? Why don't you just adjust

your mouth to closed? Okay, buddy?

I mean, what are you? The president of bikes?

- You... are you okay? Glenn?

Are you okay?

- Glenn? - I'm okay.

- Hey. Did Amy say anything to you

about where she was yesterday?

- Uh, what? Uh, no, why?

Um... I don't know, you know.

She's always yap-yapping about something.

- You know, something suspicious is going on.

What she described to me yesterday...

I just can't even figure out the mechanics of it.

- Huh...

Cloud 9 is not offering breast exams

as part of our Wellness Fair.

We have not hired someone to do that,

and if we had, it would not be a teenage boy

in a Twenty One Pilots T-shirt. Shop safe.

- These are slippery little things, aren't they?

- Yeah, well, it's tough. You... you know what,

- No, but that's what I'm doing. I'm a grownup.

- Yeah, no, it's... it's fine. I'm gonna take your foot,

and I'm gonna just slide it into the cage, okay?

Just... just gonna slide it in.

- That's the voice you use with confused seniors.

Don't do that. - No, that's... I'm not doing...

This is just the way I talk. - Fine, you can do that foot.

I'll work on this one, okay? - No, Glenn, that's...

That's not how a bike works. - No!

- You must know that. - They're not related.

Left, right. - No...

- So she just invented the entire relationship?

- Ew, I just realized that pair of Jeff's underwear

that she showed me probably weren't even Jeff's.

That's so gross.

- She's definitely out of wine club.

- Wait, you guys have a wine club?

- Yeah, we're trying to keep it small.

- Look, this really is none of your business, you know.

You... you don't even know the whole story.

It you knew the whole story,

you wouldn't think she was a maniac.

- What's the whole story?

Don't do it.

- The whole story is that she did date Jeff.

It was very intense, and then they broke up.

- Yup, they broke up. It happened on a Tuesday.

- See? Confirmation. - So she got dumped,

but then lied and told everyone they were still dating?

Why would she do that? - 'Cause she's a maniac.

- No. That is a good question,

and we asked her that question,

and what she said made a lot of sense.

She told us that...

- She's pregnant.

And the raptors

have breached the fence.

- She's pregnant? - Yes!

- Who's pregnant? - Nobody.

- The maniac. - Sandra.

- Sandra? That is wonderful.

- I knew it. You can tell by the glow.

- I'm gonna go congratulate her. - No, no, Glenn,

uh, she doesn't want anybody to know yet,

so we can't mention it to her. - Yeah, we should probably wait

'til she inevitably starts showing.

- Oh! We could plan a baby shower.

And what if the theme was babies?

Or manufacturing?

- Oh, I know. "Breaking Bad."

- "Arabian Nights."

- No one likes "Arabian Nights"!

- Okay, no baby shower, guys.

You're making a big deal out of this,

and she doesn't even know if she's gonna keep it.

- What? - Ooh.

- No, you don't mean she's gonna...

Yeah, she might do it on a Wednesday.

- Okay, we're good on the days.

- Look at this.

Oh!

Oh! Bear-bear.

You know, sometimes I like to walk around the store,

and just think of all the things that make life wonderful.

You know, like, um, rivers

and lunch and soccer and...

Crime? No, not crime.

Uh, streams! Well, that's a cousin of rivers.

And babies. I love babies.

- Horses? - Sure, horses,

but what about babies? - Yeah. Babies are cute.

- You'd make a great mommy.

- Thanks? - Okay.

Let's keep walking.

Hey, what do you think

is the worst Supreme Court decision of all time?

- Maybe Glenn will just not say anything.

- Hey, guys, did you hear?

Sandra's pregnant with my boyfriend's baby.

- Oh, yeah, there's a card going around.

- This is why people don't tell you things.

- I'm gonna fix it.

Look, we could...

We could say that it was a phantom pregnancy.

I've heard of that. - Sandra, this must be

a giant surprise for you. Love, Garrett.

- Okay, what if we say that Jeff has a twin brother,

and Sandra has been dating him?

- So the Jeff that Sandra's been talking about

is Jeff's twin brother, Jeff?

- Yes. - Oh, that sounds real.

- Well, at least she's thinking of things.

- You guys are idiots.

- Hey, you wanna donate to a good cause?

- I already told you, I'm not paying to get you veneers.

- Nah, it's for Sandra's baby shower,

assuming she keeps it.

- Wait, Sandra's pregnant?

- Yeah, Jeff knocked her up, then dumped her for Mateo.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Wow, I can't believe it.

- Man, I wish I had the stones to go both ways.

Can you imagine?

Two dudes... All gas, no brakes.

- Yeah, totally.

- But now imagine taking this perfect little treasure,

and throwing it in the garbage.

- Mm, mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Hey, hey, hey. How are we doing?

What's going on? What are we talking about?

- Nothing. Why don't you mind your own business?

- Oh, you know what, I will mind my own business, Glenn,

as long as you don't mind Sandra's right to choose

what she does with her body, right?

- I was thinking about getting all the tattoos from "Moana."

- And I support that decision, because it's your choice.

- Jonah, you might be book smart and bike smart,

but you don't get to be right about everything.

- Well, in this particular situation,

- Oh, really? That... there's a refreshing change of pace.

- Yeah. - Well, the important thing is

a hypothetical situation about a baby in a garbage can.

We'd still be living in the Stone Ages.

- Oh, really? Well, if it was up to you,

they'd be selling abortions from vending machines.

- Guys, guys, guys,

maybe let's not have this conversation

out here on the floor. - Jonah, you have no idea

the toll that an abortion takes on a woman's body.

- Oh, and childbirth is so easy.

Neither one of you guys... - You know what, Glenn?

This is what a feminist looks like.

- I'm a feminist! I'm a big flaming feminist.

- And that is our skit on the abortion debate.

We hope you enjoyed it. - I can't...

Why doesn't he listen?

- Oh, I feel very dizzy. - Oh... no, no, no.

- Can we get a doctor? Where's that nurse?

Here just...

Next day, so sick she couldn't possibly work.

Day after that, fine again.

- It could be lupus, Crohn's disease, a parasite.

Honestly, I would need a stool sample.

- I can get one.

- Okay, Glenn. Glenn?

And breathe through alternating nostrils, okay?

- The Red Cross. I helped earthquake-proof

a hospital in Haiti. - Well, bravo, it didn't work.

- No, it was after the... For the next one.

You'll see. I mean, I hope you don't see.

I'm just gonna loosen your tie right here.

- No, stop telling me what to do!

- Glenn, you need to do what he's telling you.

- No, I don't. He's stupid!

- Glenn... - I'm gonna tighten my tie.

- Okay. How's that working out for ya?

- I feel perfectly good. - Great.

I shouldn't have tried to quit drinking juice

cold turkey like that.

- Great, okay, uh, also, we have checked.

We don't seem to have any training videos

about not discussing abortion at work,

because we just thought it was so obvious,

but you guys managed to surprise us, so good job.

- Whoo! - Don't lecture us

on being responsible when we all know

what you did to Sandra.

- Sandra... who's Sandra?

What?

- Who's Sandra?

Just the woman who's pregnant with your bi-racial child.

- In his defense, Sandra is extremely forgettable.

Remember when we left her at Dave & Buster's on her birthday?

- Yeah. - I'm not pregnant.

- What?

- Oh, God, am I too late? - What?

- I'm very confused.

- Wait, so you didn't knock her up?

- No, I'm gay.

- Oh, yeah, right, you're gay, and I'm Lorenzo Lamas.

- Well, I am. I'm gay.

- But you're so... blah.

- Well, wait, then who's dating Sandra?

- I made it up.

I haven't been dating anyone.

- I mean, nothing here pops at all.

- Why would you make something like that up?

- 'Cause she's a maniac.

- At first it was a misunderstanding,

and then I just started liking the attention.

- For the first time in my life, I was a star.

- I'm the one who's been dating Jeff.

Okay, the whole time...

Me-me-me-me-me. - Um...

We were keeping that between us.

- I just don't get it.

If you can be gay, that means anyone can be gay.

- Okay, well, you know, cat's out of the bag.

Me and Jeff.

Does anybody have any questions?

- Can we please keep this in this room?

I'm not supposed to be dating anybody from one of the stores.

- But casual sex is okay, right?

'Cause I've been banging Garrett on and off for a while now.

What?

- Uh, that is correct.

- Whoa! - Really?

- And you... you didn't tell me?

- I'm sorry, it just... We haven't told anybody.

- It's fine, I don't... I don't care.

- What has happened to this store?

- Me. I happened.

This is me. This is my fault.

I opened the cage, or whatever.

I've never seen "Jurassic Park."

What?

- Okay, that is not what we're dealing with right now.

Look, I should not have gotten involved.

Sandra, I'm really sorry.

- No, I feel great.

No more lies. No more credit card debt

from buying myself flowers.

I can cancel the horse-drawn carriage.

- I almost told you a couple times.

- I said it's fine.

- Sorry, I just got excited to finally tell people.

No, it's okay.

I'm... I'm glad it's finally public.

Okay.

Why are we in here?

I don't know.

Why are you whispering?

- I don't know.

- He's my boyfriend!

- So that's why you didn't want me

talking about people's love lives...

Because you had a little secret of your own.

- Are we gonna get a destination wedding?

Like, how many cute little

Garrett-Dina babies are you gonna have?

Garrett Junior?

- Hey, Dina, Amy went to go see "Lego Batman" yesterday.

- I'm gonna have to call you back.

What in the name of God is "Lego Batman"?

- Wow, you're smoking now?

- No, I'm just holding it.

- Ah. - But I might as well start,

since everything I thought I knew was wrong.

In five years, they'll probably say

smoking's good for you. - Oh, no-no-no,

decades of research and...

You know what? You might be right.

Nobody really knows anything.

You mind if I, uh...

- It's nice.

- You look really cool right now.

- Yeah?

- I'm sorry about everything earlier.

I've been off today.

Going from two gallons of juice a day to nothing

has been messing with my head.

- Yeah, I get it.

I'm sorry too.

Because sometimes I think you're smarter than me.

- Oh, Glenn, come on, that's...

- I know, it's silly.

You're probably always thinking how much smarter I am than you.

- Yuh-huh.

- Hear ye! Hear ye!

I've come to deliver the fair maiden Sandra

to good King Jeff.

- Right here.

Couldn't get my deposit back. See you tomorrow.

- My lady. - Thank you.