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1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:01,242
.
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00:00:01,769 --> 00:00:02,139
[upbeat music]
3
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:06,435
*
4
00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:08,140
- Whoop-whoop!
5
00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:10,312
- What are you doing?
He's so peaceful.
6
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:11,551
Just let him be.
7
00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:14,545
- Man, if I got to be awake,
he got to be awake.
8
00:00:14,548 --> 00:00:17,088
[shouts]
Yo! Old white dude!
9
00:00:17,085 --> 00:00:19,245
Black people taking over!
10
00:00:19,253 --> 00:00:22,023
Ooh.
That usually wakes 'em up.
11
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:25,292
He's not...
- No, he couldn't be.
12
00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:27,203
Hey.
13
00:00:27,195 --> 00:00:29,595
Hey, pop-pop.
Hey--ah!
14
00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:33,027
- Oh, Jonah touched a dead guy!
Jonah touched a dead guy!
15
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,043
[upbeat music]
16
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,936
*
17
00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:39,768
- Well, we can likely
rule out foul play.
18
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:41,713
According to his license,
he was 87.
19
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:42,979
Probably died of old age.
20
00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:45,406
- My great-grandma died
the same way.
21
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:48,483
Her mom too.
Bad genes, I guess.
22
00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:50,422
- So, she just kept
the dead man's wallet,
23
00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:51,648
and we're all okay with that?
24
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,122
- Finders keepers.
25
00:00:53,121 --> 00:00:56,691
- Anyway, uh, I thought
we should all gather
26
00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:59,290
as a group in sort of
a safe space
27
00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:02,033
so that we can share any
feelings that we have
28
00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:03,699
about what happened.
29
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:07,737
Um, is anyone feeling
any sadness?
30
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,495
Or shock?
31
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:11,143
Or guilt?
32
00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:13,709
There are no wrong answers.
33
00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:15,137
Yes, Garrett.
34
00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:16,913
- I guess apathy.
35
00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:20,050
I don't got any feelings
about this dude.
36
00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:22,617
- Okay, uh, Garrett,
thank you for sharing.
37
00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:27,716
Um, is anyone else feeling
feelings of apathy?
38
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:29,921
Okay, well, that's valid.
39
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,263
That's va--no, it's not valid!
You know what?
40
00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:35,030
No one is leaving this room
until I see someone
41
00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:37,668
express some real G-D emotion!
42
00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:41,595
- Uh, well, perhaps
seeing a dead person today
43
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:45,512
made us all realize how fragile
the journey of life really is.
44
00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:46,866
- Thank you.
45
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:49,614
A little cliché,
but points for effort.
46
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:52,010
All right, um,
why don't we just all
47
00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:54,182
bow our heads--
- No religion in the workplace.
48
00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:55,882
- Okay, a moment of silence.
- Nope.
49
00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:58,193
Not if you're
thinking about God.
50
00:01:58,186 --> 00:02:01,986
- Okay, Amy, could you come and
say a few secular words?
51
00:02:06,294 --> 00:02:08,004
- Um...
52
00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:14,198
Charles, uh,
wasn't just a man
53
00:02:14,202 --> 00:02:16,972
who needed corrective lenses,
54
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:20,740
he was also
not an organ donor.
55
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:25,651
And, um, in conclusion,
he lived on Oak Street.
56
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:26,776
- Thank you.
57
00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:29,620
- [sighs] So tragic.
58
00:02:29,617 --> 00:02:31,217
What's gonna happen
to the couch?
59
00:02:31,219 --> 00:02:32,349
- What? The couch?
60
00:02:32,353 --> 00:02:34,263
- It was the fanciest one
in the store.
61
00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,255
- He died on the fancy couch?
62
00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:39,127
Does that mean
it's gonna be on sale?
63
00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:40,986
- We don't have to tell anyone
somebody died on it.
64
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:44,104
- Not disclosing
someone died on it is lying.
65
00:02:44,097 --> 00:02:45,827
I'm a man of truth, Dina.
66
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,343
Maybe lying's your thing.
67
00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:48,965
- Oh, you like truth, huh?
- Yeah.
68
00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:50,099
- How 'bout this truth:
69
00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:51,673
you have the hands
of a middle-aged woman.
70
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,372
- You want to play
the truth game?
71
00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:54,414
- Sure.
- Fine.
72
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:56,308
Your podcast is a mess.
- [Dina gasps]
73
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:58,480
- Yeah, no one wants to hear
your rambling.
74
00:02:58,479 --> 00:03:00,949
Just get to the interview.
75
00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:04,849
[rock music]
76
00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:12,162
*
77
00:03:14,094 --> 00:03:15,834
- You're loading that wrong.
78
00:03:15,829 --> 00:03:19,069
- Oh, um,
thank you, little girl,
79
00:03:19,066 --> 00:03:22,266
but I think I know
what I'm doing.
80
00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:23,270
[grunts]
81
00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:25,011
There we go.
82
00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:26,635
Just got to use a little muscle.
83
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,810
- Can I have one?
- Sure.
84
00:03:28,809 --> 00:03:30,439
And I don't know if you--
85
00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:34,084
- Emma, there you are.
I told--
86
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:36,851
You loaded it wrong?
87
00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:39,550
- Wait a minute.
That's your daughter!
88
00:03:39,553 --> 00:03:41,823
- Shh! We're not allowed
to bring our kids to work.
89
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,092
- Oh.
90
00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:44,530
- My sitter cancelled,
and she's hanging out
91
00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:46,285
for a couple hours, but can
you please not tell Glenn or...
92
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:47,704
- Shh.
- Dina.
93
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:48,895
- No, no, no, no,
your secret is safe with me.
94
00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:51,196
I'm not telling anybody.
Hi, I'm Jonah.
95
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:54,498
- Yeah, I figured.
You're right, he is incompetent.
96
00:03:54,502 --> 00:03:56,442
- You told her
I was incompetent?
97
00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:58,837
Ba-na-na-na.
Talk about me at home?
98
00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:00,339
- [sighs]
99
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:01,981
- I don't know if I should be
flattered or insulted.
100
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:04,445
- Don't be flattered.
101
00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:14,316
- [whispers]
Hey, Garrett.
102
00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:17,122
I've got a shoplifter
in my crosshairs.
103
00:04:17,124 --> 00:04:18,664
- Hmm, I've taken
four breaks today,
104
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:21,129
so I guess we both got
stuff to brag about.
105
00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:24,128
[sneaky music]
106
00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:30,871
*
107
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:33,911
[baby cries]
- My baby!
108
00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:40,505
- Gotcha,
you gorgeous piece of garbage.
109
00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:42,779
- Did you get to the part where
he finds--
110
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:43,953
- [whines]
111
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,851
- Well hurry up,
I want to talk about it.
112
00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:48,593
- Amy, can I see you
for a minute?
113
00:04:48,589 --> 00:04:53,089
- Um, wait, I have to watch
the jewelry counter.
114
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:55,403
- Jonah?
Watch jewelry, will you?
115
00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:57,626
- Sure.
- Um, no.
116
00:04:57,631 --> 00:05:01,401
I don't think, um,
Jonah has very much experience
117
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:04,642
with...jewelry.
118
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:08,078
- I don't have
any jewelry of my own,
119
00:05:08,075 --> 00:05:10,835
but my brothers
have some jewelry
120
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:13,484
that I've played with.
121
00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:16,381
- Amy.
122
00:05:16,384 --> 00:05:20,394
- Um...yeah. Okay.
Uh...
123
00:05:20,388 --> 00:05:23,388
Well, I'll be right back.
Don't go anywhere.
124
00:05:23,391 --> 00:05:26,161
Stay here, and, uh,
whatever you do,
125
00:05:26,159 --> 00:05:28,199
don't bring attention
to the jewelry.
126
00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:31,865
- Trust me, no one will know
the jewelry is here.
127
00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:35,395
- There is so much
I don't understand about sales.
128
00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:40,572
- Hiya.
129
00:05:40,574 --> 00:05:42,784
So what else did Mom
say about me?
130
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:46,006
Aside from the general
incompetence.
131
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,183
- I have to go
to the bathroom.
132
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,521
- Oh, "Maze Runner!"
133
00:05:50,518 --> 00:05:53,688
We must chat when you get back.
I have lots of opinions.
134
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:55,487
- I'm a hunter.
135
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:58,659
Some people
like to hunt elk, or deer.
136
00:05:58,659 --> 00:06:00,229
I hunt people,
137
00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:03,997
and your head
is going on my wall.
138
00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:05,897
- I didn't steal anything.
139
00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,039
- Oh, you didn't?
140
00:06:08,035 --> 00:06:09,465
Well, this was easy.
141
00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,240
Sorry for the mix-up,
you can go.
142
00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:14,338
Here, let me get you your purse.
Oops!
143
00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:15,641
Ha ha!
144
00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:17,813
Well, well, well, lookie what
we've got here.
145
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,351
- That's mine.
I came in with it.
146
00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:21,146
- How convenient for you.
147
00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,848
Well...
[groans].
148
00:06:22,850 --> 00:06:25,190
I guess it's just my word
against yours then.
149
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:27,715
[sighs] If only I had
some sort of device
150
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,491
right at my fingertips that
recorded your illegal activity.
151
00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:32,961
[gasps]
Oh.
152
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,830
If only I could
simply press a button,
153
00:06:34,828 --> 00:06:36,698
and see that recording.
154
00:06:36,697 --> 00:06:38,897
Oh.
155
00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:50,209
If only that had worked.
156
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:51,980
- I have always wanted...
- You? No, no, no...
157
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:53,379
- A blue couch!
- Okay.
158
00:06:53,380 --> 00:06:54,620
- My home is all about--
- Hey, hey, hey!
159
00:06:54,615 --> 00:06:55,915
Okay, okay.
160
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,486
Y'all in Judge Garrett's
court now.
161
00:06:57,485 --> 00:07:01,045
You both want the couch.
Plead your case. Go.
162
00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:04,964
- I'm pregnant,
and I have so little...[cries]
163
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,888
Where's the baby gonna sit?
164
00:07:06,894 --> 00:07:09,164
- Uh, fake cry.
165
00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:12,672
I invented fake crying.
166
00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:15,566
She was my sister!
167
00:07:15,569 --> 00:07:17,239
God...
168
00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:18,907
I just want to hold her
one more time...
169
00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:21,006
- Wow, you could be
in a Lifetime movie.
170
00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:23,708
- Thanks.
- We gonna do this the easy way.
171
00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:24,811
You want the couch?
172
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:26,712
Whoever sits on it
the longest gets it.
173
00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:28,854
You get up, you lose.
You in?
174
00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:30,519
- Absolutely.
- Yup.
175
00:07:30,518 --> 00:07:33,648
- "It is not death
a man should fear,
176
00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:36,664
but never beginning to live."
177
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:38,527
Marcus Aurelius.
178
00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:41,226
"I don't got no fear of death."
179
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:43,928
Tupac Shakur.
180
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:45,901
- Those are beautiful, Glenn.
Thank you.
181
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,199
- You're welcome.
182
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:50,800
- Um, I think I need to get back
to the jewelry counter.
183
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,314
- Oh, sure,
get back to jewelry.
184
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,436
A man died here today.
185
00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:59,352
When I die, will it be
business as usual?
186
00:07:59,346 --> 00:08:02,946
Jewelry, cosmetics,
sporting goods, electronics,
187
00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,250
grocery--
- No, you're right.
188
00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:05,791
You're right, Glenn.
- Men's apparel.
189
00:08:05,786 --> 00:08:09,316
Women's apparel.
Housewares. Seasonal.
190
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,692
- Well, would it
make you feel better
191
00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:15,332
if we did something
for his family?
192
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,128
- I know a guy who makes
life-size puppets
193
00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:20,571
of the deceased using
their actual hair.
194
00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:22,468
- Well, that's one idea.
Here's another one.
195
00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:24,839
What if we sent his family
a condolence card?
196
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,908
- Oh, that's even better.
197
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:29,377
'Cause those puppets
are pretty horrifying.
198
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:35,123
- Hey, Emma?
[toilet flushes]
199
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:36,945
You--you've been in here
a while.
200
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,820
Is--is everything okay?
201
00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:41,419
- I'm fine.
Can you get my mom?
202
00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:43,721
- Uh, you know,
your mom is actually
203
00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,594
with our boss right now,
and I don't want
204
00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:46,693
to get her in trouble, so--
205
00:08:46,694 --> 00:08:47,964
- Can you please
just get her?
206
00:08:47,961 --> 00:08:50,231
- Uh, you know, Emma,
whatever it is,
207
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:52,100
you can trust me,
I promise you--
208
00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:54,699
- I got my first period!
209
00:08:58,639 --> 00:08:58,769
.
210
00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:01,171
- Hey, have you seen Amy?
211
00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:05,651
- Amy...
212
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:13,623
- I got to get back to jewelry,
but this seems very Charles.
213
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:14,891
- Uh, wait a sec.
214
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,888
Wait, so you detained her
without proof?
215
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:18,460
- There was a faulty
surveillance camera.
216
00:09:18,458 --> 00:09:22,198
- She could sue the store!
Do you remember Linda Beavers?
217
00:09:22,195 --> 00:09:25,465
She was fired for falsely
accusing someone of shoplifting.
218
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:27,835
- Wait, Linda was fired?
- Yeah.
219
00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:30,195
- She told me the doctor said
she was too fat to work.
220
00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:32,273
- Yeah, that was just
her excuse to save face.
221
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:33,842
- Look, I'm not
falsely accusing her.
222
00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,541
She did it,
I just can't prove it.
223
00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:37,082
- Okay, she hasn't
been in there long,
224
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,147
so just apologize,
and hopefully,
225
00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:40,476
that'll be the end of it.
226
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,120
- You want me to let her go?
I saw her do it!
227
00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:45,016
- It doesn't matter
what you saw.
228
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:47,658
Just cut your losses
and move on.
229
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:49,385
That's an order.
230
00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:51,659
I just sounded like
my wife right there.
231
00:09:51,659 --> 00:09:53,729
- Hey, Emma,
I want you to know
232
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,727
I can't find your mom,
but don't worry,
233
00:09:55,729 --> 00:09:57,669
I can handle it.
234
00:09:57,665 --> 00:09:59,665
And I'm in the Men's room.
235
00:09:59,667 --> 00:10:01,567
I want you to know,
I can't find your mom,
236
00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:03,198
but don't worry,
I can handle it.
237
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:04,643
- Are you sure?
238
00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:07,238
'Cause my mom said you're not
that good at doing stuff.
239
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,110
- Did your mom ever say anything
positive about me?
240
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,850
This is not about me.
241
00:10:11,845 --> 00:10:14,175
- It is unfortunate that
242
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:17,121
the situation arose
where you were accused
243
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:20,747
of something that,
due to circumstance,
244
00:10:20,754 --> 00:10:22,024
the proof that you did it...
245
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:24,622
[clears throat]
Was lost.
246
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:28,734
Such that, to anyone
who wasn't there in person,
247
00:10:28,729 --> 00:10:30,399
they wouldn't know
you had did it.
248
00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:32,467
- I'm sorry,
is this an apology?
249
00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,425
- Yes,
and don't say sorry to me.
250
00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:36,474
I don't accept.
- Uh, don't worry. I won't.
251
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:37,499
I'm leaving.
- Okay.
252
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:38,914
Just need you
to sign this form
253
00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:41,166
stating that I let you go and
that you won't sue the store.
254
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:43,114
- Anything to get away from
your polyester blend shirt
255
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:46,080
and that stupid little ponytail
you're forced to wear.
256
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:47,779
- Uh, the ponytail
is not forced.
257
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:50,421
It is one of 12 approved
hairstyles for female employees.
258
00:10:50,417 --> 00:10:52,817
- Mm, well, whatever it is,
it's pitiful.
259
00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:55,290
Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot you work retail.
260
00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:57,858
Pitiful means sad.
261
00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,528
- I know you stole.
262
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:02,456
- Oh yeah?
Prove it.
263
00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:05,732
- We're just
getting started, lady!
264
00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:07,943
I cannot physically touch you,
265
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:10,835
but I can get very close.
266
00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:13,538
- So, the episiotomy
is when they have to snip
267
00:11:13,540 --> 00:11:15,740
the area between your vagina
and your butthole
268
00:11:15,743 --> 00:11:17,183
so that you don't
tear your peehole.
269
00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:18,747
- You know,
it's not working, okay?
270
00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:20,076
I'm not getting off this couch.
271
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,380
- And it's all held together
by a mucus plug,
272
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,952
so imagine, like,
a bag of cherry pie filling,
273
00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:26,852
but it has a hole in it,
but the hole's being blocked
274
00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:27,994
by a big ball of snot.
275
00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:30,758
- Yep, yep, miracle of life.
Get it.
276
00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:31,958
- I wonder if
I'll eat my placenta.
277
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,430
- Hey, uh, Dina?
- I'm in a hurry.
278
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:35,927
If you want to talk,
you have to walk with me.
279
00:11:35,929 --> 00:11:38,099
- Uh, okay, this is
gonna sound crazy, but,
280
00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:39,898
do you remember
your first period?
281
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,070
Because--
- February 4th, 2003.
282
00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:44,139
It was a Tuesday.
Unseasonably warm.
283
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:46,067
- Okay, so--
- I was 19.
284
00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:48,313
Late bloomer, though I've more
than made up for that since.
285
00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:49,978
My gyno says I ovulate
like a champ.
286
00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:52,647
I drop eggs hard.
- All right, uh--
287
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:54,775
- You know my aunt was born
with two vaginas?
288
00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:55,882
Yeah, she always thought
it would help her date,
289
00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:57,083
but it didn't.
290
00:11:57,084 --> 00:11:58,494
She died alone.
Well, she will die alone.
291
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:00,245
She's still alive.
She's only like 50 or something.
292
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,063
- Okay, thanks.
293
00:12:02,055 --> 00:12:04,185
Think I got
all the information I need.
294
00:12:04,191 --> 00:12:07,661
- [chuckles]
God, I'm good at flirting.
295
00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:16,997
- Hey! You! Rodriguez!
Follow me.
296
00:12:17,004 --> 00:12:18,214
What's the hold up?
297
00:12:18,205 --> 00:12:20,335
- Well, I don't like when people
snap in my face.
298
00:12:20,340 --> 00:12:22,940
I'm busy.
My name's not "Rodriguez."
299
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:25,413
There are so many reasons.
- I need your help.
300
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,152
That shoplifter's
still upstairs.
301
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:28,877
- Dina,
you didn't let her go?
302
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,822
You heard Glenn,
you could lose your job.
303
00:12:30,818 --> 00:12:32,548
- Not if we can
get her to confess.
304
00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:34,022
- We--uh, sorry. We?
305
00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:35,561
- Look, I know
we've never been close.
306
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,825
Frankly, there are a lot of
things I can't stand about you,
307
00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:40,725
but right now,
you're the only person I trust.
308
00:12:40,727 --> 00:12:43,627
- Um...no.
309
00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:46,630
- Please...I...[sighs]
310
00:12:46,633 --> 00:12:49,073
I don't want to lose my job.
311
00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:50,399
- Is this gonna take
a long time?
312
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:51,973
- No.
313
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:53,712
I mean, I was hoping for
a quick nacho bar fuel up,
314
00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:55,406
but we can skip that.
315
00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:56,438
I mean, unless you...
- No.
316
00:12:58,879 --> 00:12:59,009
.
317
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:01,853
- I'm an 11-year-old girl.
Do I like pads or tampons?
318
00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:07,748
Hyp--hypothetically.
319
00:13:07,754 --> 00:13:08,894
- Oh, hey, dude.
320
00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:10,659
You want to split a pizza
for lunch break?
321
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:12,157
- What do you know
about periods?
322
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:14,359
- Oh, it's bleeding
from the uterus
323
00:13:14,361 --> 00:13:15,861
that's released
through the vagina.
324
00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,933
Happens every 28 days,
give or take a few,
325
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:18,931
depending on the lady.
326
00:13:18,932 --> 00:13:20,402
They all snowflakes.
327
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,140
So was that a no for pizza?
328
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,965
- I don't think
I'm hungry anymore.
329
00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,671
- Whoo, I am.
330
00:13:26,874 --> 00:13:28,884
- So how, exactly, are we
getting her to confess?
331
00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:30,906
- We're going classic
good cop, bad cop.
332
00:13:30,911 --> 00:13:32,351
- Like they do in the movies?
333
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:34,475
- Trust me.
I've been doing this for years.
334
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:35,781
This'll work.
335
00:13:35,782 --> 00:13:38,022
- Okay, good cop, bad cop.
336
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:42,587
- Hey, there,
this is my bestie, Amy.
337
00:13:42,589 --> 00:13:45,589
Be careful of her,
she's a little unstable.
338
00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:49,725
- Um...
[clears throat].
339
00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:51,359
Listen up, dirt bag.
- Ow.
340
00:13:51,364 --> 00:13:54,534
- Do you need
some water or a mint?
341
00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:55,604
God, you're just so pretty.
342
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:56,972
- Are you gonna let me go,
or what?
343
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:59,670
- I want to,
but Amy here is a maniac.
344
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,912
She's loco.
345
00:14:01,909 --> 00:14:06,449
- [thick accent] Uh, yeah, loco!
Loco 'bout bustin' perps!
346
00:14:06,446 --> 00:14:08,246
[growls]
347
00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:14,387
- Oh, hey, um, I've decided
to take up a collection
348
00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:16,117
for the dead fella's family.
349
00:14:16,123 --> 00:14:18,033
Maybe you guys could, like,
take this around
350
00:14:18,025 --> 00:14:19,825
and get the other employees
to donate?
351
00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:22,656
- Got it.
- Money for the dead guy.
352
00:14:22,662 --> 00:14:24,802
- Mm-hmm. Oh.
- Great.
353
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,804
- Should I just put it...
354
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:31,141
- Yeah, just, you can
set it down.
355
00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:32,508
Good.
356
00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:35,714
- You know that's the couch
he died on.
357
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:39,548
- Okay, Uncle Jonah's back.
358
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:40,976
Gross.
359
00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:43,481
Please pretend I did not just
call myself "Uncle Jonah."
360
00:14:43,483 --> 00:14:44,683
- Did you get something?
361
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:46,954
- Yep, these are colorful.
Oh!
362
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:49,794
And this one has a girl playing
soccer on the cover.
363
00:14:49,789 --> 00:14:51,659
- I just want
whatever's easy to use.
364
00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:54,688
- I got to be honest, none of
these really look easy to use.
365
00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:56,964
- My cousin Ricky
started out shoplifting.
366
00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:59,504
Now he's bangin' out
license plates in some prison
367
00:14:59,499 --> 00:15:02,639
trying to avoid a big guy
named Crazy Eyes.
368
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:05,535
- Crazy Eyes is a character
in "Orange is the New Black."
369
00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:08,338
- Crazy Eyes is a character
in every prison in America,
370
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,111
ladrona puta.
371
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:12,451
- Is she okay?
372
00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:13,575
I don't understand what's
happening.
373
00:15:13,580 --> 00:15:15,020
- It's boxing.
374
00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:16,845
- Okay, listen
Rizzoli and Isles,
375
00:15:16,849 --> 00:15:18,189
I'm not confessing to anything,
376
00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:20,885
especially not to two
minimum-wage morons.
377
00:15:20,887 --> 00:15:21,987
- I'm sorry, what?
378
00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:23,889
- Hey, sweetie,
you seem stressed.
379
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,190
Do you want a back rub?
- No, no, no, no, no.
380
00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:26,592
Who do you think you are?
381
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,603
You can't just walk up in here,
start calling us morons.
382
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:32,025
- Amy, forget it, okay?
This clearly isn't working.
383
00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:34,472
Guess you're free to go,
courtesy of one broken camera
384
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:35,497
in the makeup department.
385
00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:38,012
- Wait.
You saw her in makeup?
386
00:15:38,005 --> 00:15:39,135
- Yeah.
387
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:40,369
- Well, you know,
the cameras in accessories
388
00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:41,573
also cover makeup.
389
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:43,384
- [gasps]
I just realized.
390
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:44,676
If we pull the footage
from accessories,
391
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:45,807
we've got our proof!
392
00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:46,852
- Yeah, that's
what I was saying.
393
00:15:46,846 --> 00:15:48,716
- And you're going down,
thief!
394
00:15:48,715 --> 00:15:51,215
- Enjoy prison!
395
00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:59,032
- [laughs]
- Oh, boy.
396
00:15:59,026 --> 00:16:00,456
It's a heated competition.
397
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:03,360
- I think you're just
supposed to open it
398
00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:05,033
from--or--nope, I broke it.
399
00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:08,042
Nope. Yep.
That can't be right.
400
00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:11,365
It's soft.
Oh, this one looks easy.
401
00:16:11,371 --> 00:16:13,441
That--it travels.
That one's a traveler.
402
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,410
Uh...
403
00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:18,178
Emma, look through the crack.
404
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:21,778
I'm a mummy!
Ahh!
405
00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:24,281
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll be right out.
406
00:16:24,284 --> 00:16:26,324
I'm helping a little girl.
407
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:29,059
- Can't wait to see you bust
that filthy bitch to hell.
408
00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:30,956
- You can drop the bad cop act.
- It's not an act.
409
00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:32,887
I genuinely hate this lady.
410
00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:35,832
- Nice.
Oh, here we go.
411
00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:45,235
.
412
00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:47,813
- Everyone here at Cloud 9
is so, so sorry
413
00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:54,278
to have inconvenienced you,
and we are willing to
414
00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:56,951
do anything to make it right.
415
00:16:56,949 --> 00:17:00,489
- Here are some coupons.
Uh, 25% off air fresheners.
416
00:17:00,487 --> 00:17:01,687
- Ooh.
417
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:03,818
- Uh, buy one,
get one free toothpaste.
418
00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:06,633
And, um, and a free slushie.
419
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,096
But, you know what,
something tells me
420
00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:09,955
you're not a slushie girl,
so I'll just keep that.
421
00:17:09,962 --> 00:17:11,532
- Let me be clear.
422
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,101
You have two options.
423
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:15,370
You can either fire
this dum-dum right now,
424
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,938
or I can go home,
call your corporate offices,
425
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:19,207
and make them fire her.
426
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,766
- Okay, let's just
talk this through.
427
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:23,313
It was one mistake.
- I'm leaving.
428
00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:24,940
I can't waste
another minute of my life
429
00:17:24,944 --> 00:17:27,984
with you back-country idiots.
430
00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:32,023
- Okay, I'm just gonna say it:
431
00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:34,748
I like her less than I like
other people.
432
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,124
["Somewhere Over The Rainbow"
plays]
433
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:40,393
- * Somewhere
over the rainbow *
434
00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:43,564
- I can't believe
I'm gonna lose my job.
435
00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:47,403
I just upgraded all of the trash
cans in my apartment.
436
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,570
Stupid, Dina, stupid!
437
00:17:49,569 --> 00:17:53,239
- Relax, things have a way
of working out.
438
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,440
- Oh, I'm sure
you'll be happy with me gone.
439
00:17:55,442 --> 00:17:57,242
You can turn this place
into some sort of
440
00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:59,414
deranged religious cult.
441
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:02,522
[alarm blares]
442
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:06,786
- Well, well, look who
didn't feel like
443
00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:10,156
paying for their copy of
"Barney's Great Adventure."
444
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:12,827
- That's not mine, someone else
must have put it there.
445
00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:16,195
- Now, let me be clear.
446
00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:17,896
You have two options.
447
00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:20,967
You can report Dina
to corporate while I report you
448
00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:22,537
to the police,
449
00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:27,265
or we can agree that sometimes
good people make mistakes,
450
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:30,284
and put this
whole darn thing behind us.
451
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:31,877
- Fine.
452
00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:34,278
But I'm never stepping foot
in this dump again.
453
00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:37,981
- And God grants us
another miracle.
454
00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:40,954
Have a heavenly day.
455
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,393
What?
- Did you plant that?
456
00:18:43,390 --> 00:18:46,590
- Dina, I'm a man
of truth and principle,
457
00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:48,563
so how can you
even ask me that?
458
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:51,561
- Understood.
459
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:53,904
- It was me. I did it.
I saved you.
460
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:56,770
You owe me so hard!
So hard!
461
00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:58,569
Yeah! I lied!
462
00:18:58,571 --> 00:18:59,671
- See that?
In the back corner?
463
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,042
You see the little family
over there?
464
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,810
Kill 'em. Blow 'em up.
465
00:19:02,809 --> 00:19:04,579
- Here you are.
466
00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:07,207
I'm sorry I was gone so long.
467
00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:08,654
What'd you do all day?
468
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,078
- Uh, we mostly played
video games.
469
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,253
It was fun.
470
00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:14,222
- Wow.
- Yep.
471
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,761
- Good job.
472
00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:18,085
Thanks for, uh,
keeping an eye on her.
473
00:19:18,090 --> 00:19:21,060
- It was easy.
She's a great kid.
474
00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:23,100
- Yeah, she is.
475
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:24,725
[gunshots]
476
00:19:24,731 --> 00:19:25,931
[groans]
477
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:28,642
- Jonah taught me
how to use a maxi pad.
478
00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:31,665
[groans]
479
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:36,306
- Thank you all
for gathering to help me
480
00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:39,349
honor and remember...
481
00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:42,447
Charles Maynard Rand.
482
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:45,249
- Why do we have
to destroy the couch?
483
00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,792
- Well, for one thing,
it's a wonderful way
484
00:19:47,787 --> 00:19:49,817
to memorialize a man.
485
00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:51,622
- Plus, I looked up
the store policy.
486
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:53,834
If a death occurs on
any display furniture,
487
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:54,926
it has to be destroyed.
488
00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:56,597
Who knew?
- I knew.
489
00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:59,626
Same thing happened at the
Kirkwood store a few months ago.
490
00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:03,173
- Jonah?
- Right.
491
00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:13,452
- We didn't know Charles,
but he chose to spend
492
00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:17,616
the last few
moments of his life with us.
493
00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:22,217
Charles, may your soul...
494
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:25,961
or non-denominational
life force, I guess,
495
00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:30,328
be lifted by
the non-gender-specific
496
00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:36,300
arms of a loving
entity or non-entity--
497
00:20:36,303 --> 00:20:39,143
- Hey. Just once?
498
00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:40,838
Knock yourself out.
499
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,510
- Jesus Christ!
500
00:20:42,509 --> 00:20:47,849
The hands of Jesus Christ,
who saves us from our sins
501
00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:50,547
with his precious blood, and
welcomes us as little lambs...
502
00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:54,050
- Hey.
Thanks for helping me out today.
503
00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:57,023
- Yeah, I got your back.
504
00:20:58,991 --> 00:21:00,691
- I know you brought your
daughter into work.
505
00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:02,563
I got to write you up.
You get it.
506
00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:05,802
- We give you the love,
and we take away the evil!
507
00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:08,338
Amen!
508
00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:11,195
[exhales]
What a day!
509
00:21:11,203 --> 00:21:13,143
- How much gas
you put on that thing?
510
00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:17,739
- None, and that fabric is
supposed to be fire-retardant.
511
00:21:17,744 --> 00:21:19,414
- Okay, uh...
- Wow.
512
00:21:19,412 --> 00:21:22,152
- God bless us all,
and let's get out of here.
37077
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