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1
00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:15,760
- Hi.
- Oh hi.
2
00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:20,520
- I bought you a drink.
- Thanks.
3
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,000
- Thank you for coming.
- Oh, that's OK.
4
00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:31,400
- Have you been here long?
- No, no.
5
00:00:31,520 --> 00:00:33,160
That's my fourth.
6
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:37,240
- It's not really my fourth.
- Right.
7
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,400
Phew.
8
00:00:39,520 --> 00:00:43,080
- It is my second, though.
- You're entitled to two.
9
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:46,200
- Won't you want a pee break?
- I hope so.
10
00:00:46,320 --> 00:00:47,960
And I'll make it last
as long as I can.
11
00:00:48,080 --> 00:00:50,080
It'll seem like
you've been for a poo.
12
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:54,360
Oh, hell. I'll announce
right at the beginning
13
00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:58,320
that I can never poo
in someone else's house.
14
00:00:58,440 --> 00:01:01,800
I think I could say just about
anything today and you'd laugh.
15
00:01:01,920 --> 00:01:03,680
Within reason.
16
00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:05,320
Let's not test that theory out.
17
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:09,400
There is a difficulty, though.
What constitutes reason?
18
00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:10,600
There's a talking point.
19
00:01:10,720 --> 00:01:12,600
We've probably got
enough talking points
20
00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:15,040
without delving into the history
of western philosophy.
21
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:16,480
You're right.
22
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:23,320
Who was the reason philosopher?
I want to say Kant.
23
00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:25,000
I want to and I will: Kant.
24
00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,280
There, I said it.
Shall I check?
25
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:29,120
No, please don't.
We've only got a few minutes.
26
00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:31,360
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure, but thank you.
27
00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:34,360
- Were the kids OK?
- Yeah, fine.
28
00:01:34,480 --> 00:01:36,320
Did Christina remember
she was staying late?
29
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:38,880
I hope so.
30
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:41,480
- Dylan got another detention.
- Oh, hell. What for this time?
31
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:45,760
He was doing an impression
of someone I've never heard of
32
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,000
in Geography.
33
00:01:47,120 --> 00:01:50,960
Idiot. Shall we talk about...?
34
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,000
I mean, literally
never heard of them.
35
00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:57,480
Some YouTuber or Grimy.
Who knows?
36
00:01:58,880 --> 00:02:01,320
Otis was feeling a little better
as I was leaving.
37
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:03,160
Surprise, surprise.
38
00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,520
Are you trying to fill the time
before we go?
39
00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:09,960
I suppose I am a bit.
40
00:02:12,320 --> 00:02:13,640
I'm nervous.
41
00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:17,440
I'm sorry. If it wasn't for me,
we wouldn't be here.
42
00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:18,720
No.
43
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:21,480
Just no?
44
00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:23,720
Yes, just...
45
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,560
no, if it weren't for you,
we wouldn't be here.
46
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:27,960
A sad fact.
47
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:30,200
You wouldn't take a tiny bit
of the responsibility?
48
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:33,040
No. Why?
49
00:02:33,160 --> 00:02:34,520
Because...
50
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,280
Because it's a long
and complicated road
51
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:37,880
that's led us here,
don't you think?
52
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,240
That depends
how you look at it.
53
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,960
There's long and complicated
and then there's...
54
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:45,200
...as the crow flies.
55
00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:47,600
Talk me through
the route your crow flies.
56
00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:52,480
You slept with someone else
and now here we are.
57
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:56,640
Except there's a bit more to it
than that, isn't there?
58
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:00,680
Which way do you go, then?
59
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,480
- Crow or no crow?
- Crow.
60
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,240
You stopped sleeping with me.
61
00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:06,840
I started sleeping
with someone else.
62
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,680
My God, that's such
a short version,
63
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:10,440
and quite crude,
if you don't mind me saying.
64
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,080
My version's actually
longer than yours.
65
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:14,120
My version explains
why we're actually here.
66
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,480
Yours is just
a short partial version
67
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,160
of the long mess
that came before.
68
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:20,040
Yes, I made a mistake, but...
69
00:03:20,160 --> 00:03:21,920
Can we just clear something up?
70
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:24,560
How many mistakes
was it in total?
71
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,840
- Well, one.
- One?
72
00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:29,800
Yes.
73
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:33,520
- Depending how you define it.
- Oh, OK.
74
00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:36,040
Well, let's define it in the way
that gives it the highest number
75
00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:37,440
so I know
what we're dealing with.
76
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,160
The highest number
would be in the hundreds.
77
00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:40,520
Jesus Christ.
78
00:03:40,640 --> 00:03:43,520
Because of all
the tiny, tiny decisions
79
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,520
- that led to the big mistake.
- Oh. No, no, no. I'm...
80
00:03:46,640 --> 00:03:48,680
I'm not really interested
in the tiny decisions.
81
00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,040
We need to leave
in five minutes.
82
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:52,480
So, one.
83
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,520
But when you said it depends
on how you define it...
84
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:59,960
Well, you could define it as...
as one affair
85
00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:03,000
or you could define it as...
as four mistakes.
86
00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:04,160
How?
87
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:07,040
The first mistake
repeated three times.
88
00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:08,680
I'm... I'm lost.
89
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,360
How many times
did you sleep with this guy?
90
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:12,520
Four.
91
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,840
- Not three?
- No. One mistake.
92
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,000
Three repetitions
of the original mistake,
93
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,520
the first time being...
94
00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,120
the original sin,
sort of thing,
95
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,720
and the other three as...
as duplicates.
96
00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,680
I mean, you can't write
four times off as being...
97
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,080
accidental.
98
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:31,480
You'd be hard pushed
to write one off
99
00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:33,960
as being accidental,
to be honest. I mean...
100
00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:35,560
How would that work?
101
00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,360
Look, I had an affair.
102
00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,360
Are you not consoled
that it was...
103
00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,920
it was only four times, not 40?
104
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:43,480
No, not really.
105
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,600
I mean, once you get to four,
you might as well get to 40.
106
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:47,840
I think if it had been 40,
107
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,320
we would be having
a different conversation.
108
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:52,000
Yes. One with lots of 40s in it
instead of fours.
109
00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:53,520
You know what I mean.
40 would have meant
110
00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:55,000
it was going on for...
111
00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:01,320
I'd like you to finish
that sentence.
112
00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:03,400
How long would it have taken you
to get to 40?
113
00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:04,920
This is
a ridiculous conversation.
114
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,160
No, I'm just looking
for an approximate rate
115
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:11,120
so we can calculate frequency
as well as number.
116
00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:12,440
Why?
117
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:16,440
- Comparison.
- There is no comparison.
118
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:17,800
It's like comparing
119
00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:19,960
a 25-yard dash
with a marathon.
120
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:24,000
- And we're the marathon?
- Yes, of course we are.
121
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:25,720
Well, we're married.
We've got children.
122
00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:27,120
We didn't know
that was gonna happen
123
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:28,720
when we started
having sex.
124
00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:30,840
We weren't pacing ourselves.
125
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,960
We didn't say, "Oh, we'd better
not go too hard at it
126
00:05:34,080 --> 00:05:36,240
"in case we run out
of sex in 15 years."
127
00:05:36,360 --> 00:05:38,200
Look.
128
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:39,480
OK, these...
129
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,800
these four times took place
over a few weeks.
130
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,680
Our first four times took place
over a few days.
131
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:49,320
Hm? But where does that get us?
132
00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:52,240
How long is it going to take us
to get to four times from here?
133
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,040
- Where's here, though?
- Here, now,
134
00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:56,160
when we're not
having sex at all.
135
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:57,720
If you stick
with the running analogy...
136
00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:59,000
Which I'm not committed to.
137
00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:03,160
Right now we are Usain Bolt
with an injury.
138
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:05,720
A groin strain, if you like.
139
00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:08,120
We're both Usain Bolt?
Not just you?
140
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:10,760
Our sexual relationship is
Usain Bolt with a groin strain.
141
00:06:10,880 --> 00:06:13,240
Yes, we're stalled.
142
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:15,920
But once we're up and running,
we'll hit four in no time.
143
00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:19,400
We've got less
than five minutes.
144
00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:20,960
We should sort out an agenda
145
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:22,520
that doesn't involve
Olympic runners.
146
00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:26,760
My agenda is why did you sleep
with someone else?
147
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,120
To answer that question
148
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:30,520
I suspect we have
to answer a lot of others.
149
00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:32,240
Really? Oh God.
150
00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:36,120
Oh... Oh, they're out.
151
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:37,400
You can see
the house from here?
152
00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,320
Yeah, it's that one there
with the green door.
153
00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,320
Those two,
154
00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:43,680
they've just been given
a right counseling.
155
00:06:44,640 --> 00:06:47,640
They look shell-shocked.
156
00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:49,920
- They're completely fucked.
- As in exhausted
157
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,720
or as in there's no future
in the relationship?
158
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,760
- Both. Look at them.
- Is that really what we want?
159
00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:56,360
To totally fuck
our relationship?
160
00:06:56,480 --> 00:06:58,200
I mean, it's not like
there's nothing of it left.
161
00:06:58,320 --> 00:06:59,440
No, of course not.
162
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,800
I mean, we've got two kids,
for one thing.
163
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:03,040
Exactly.
164
00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:06,600
- And...
- Crosswords.
165
00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,600
- Yes.
- And...
166
00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,040
- Game of Thrones.
- When it's on.
167
00:07:13,880 --> 00:07:16,920
I guess what I'm saying is,
I just didn't... I didn't think
168
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:19,680
we had the kind of marriage
that needed poking around in.
169
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:20,920
Poking around in?
170
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:22,600
I suppose
it's a medical metaphor.
171
00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:24,080
It's quite a good one.
172
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:25,920
If they opened you up and
found you riddled with cancer,
173
00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:27,920
would you want them
to sew you up again?
174
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,000
You know I don't
like talking about cancer.
175
00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:31,240
Can't it be Ebola?
176
00:07:31,360 --> 00:07:33,160
You'd rather have Ebola
than cancer?
177
00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,320
It's harder to catch Ebola
when you live in Kentish Town.
178
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,120
The point of the metaphor
is that you've got it,
179
00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:38,960
not that you haven't, so...
180
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:41,000
if we'd managed to avoid
all marital disease,
181
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:42,200
we wouldn't be sitting here now.
182
00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:43,520
Fair enough.
183
00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:46,480
OK...cancer.
184
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,720
So, do you want them
to sew you up and pack you off?
185
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:49,840
How far has it gone?
186
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:51,160
That's why
they're poking around.
187
00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:53,560
They can't tell
without a bit of poke.
188
00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:54,960
This is why I never go
to the doctor's.
189
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:56,520
Which takes us back
to where we started.
190
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,440
You don't wanna talk to anyone
about our marriage.
191
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,160
If it dies, you'd rather
just find out about it
192
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:01,480
because it collapses
on the spot.
193
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,080
Yes, exactly.
194
00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:05,040
Look, you're a gerontologist.
195
00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,600
You know all about good deaths.
196
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:10,480
I mean, keeling over suddenly,
that's gotta be one of them.
197
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,920
But that's a heart attack.
Marriages don't die suddenly.
198
00:08:13,040 --> 00:08:15,200
They've always been...
199
00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:17,400
They've been sick for a while
before they kick the bucket.
200
00:08:17,520 --> 00:08:19,880
Mm, right.
201
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,200
Look, I think what I'm saying,
medically speaking,
202
00:08:23,320 --> 00:08:25,560
is that either we leave it
and it kills us
203
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:27,440
or we get it looked at.
204
00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:32,600
- OK?
- Yes.
205
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,160
I mean, I can't say
I'm looking forward to it.
206
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,040
I don't want
to run away from this.
207
00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:39,520
No, of course not.
208
00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:42,280
I mean, however badly it goes,
it's just an hour, right?
209
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:43,880
I was talking
about the marriage,
210
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:45,160
not the counseling.
211
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:46,920
Oh.
212
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:49,080
- Ha.
- Hm.
213
00:08:50,160 --> 00:08:51,760
All right.
214
00:08:51,880 --> 00:08:53,840
Oh, before we go,
is it a man or a woman?
215
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,280
- You never said.
- I did.
216
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:57,000
- It's a woman.
- Oh, a woman?
217
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,640
Christ Almighty.
218
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:00,560
You would have said
exactly the same thing
219
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:02,240
- if I'd said it was a man.
- Well, yes.
220
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:03,520
But bad in a different way.
221
00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:06,000
I mean, if it was a man,
I wouldn't be able to...
222
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,080
talk about anything intimate,
obviously.
223
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,800
- Obviously.
- But if it's a woman,
224
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:11,840
oh, man, I'm gonna
get slaughtered.
225
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:14,080
Slaughtered?
Why won't she slaughter me?
226
00:09:14,560 --> 00:09:16,320
Feminism.
227
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:17,520
I know that you had the affair
228
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,000
but it'll turn out
to be my fault.
229
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,480
There'll be
mitigating circumstances.
230
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,920
Not just my... the...
231
00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:26,640
the bloody sex stuff, but...
232
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,040
she'll find out
that you make all the money
233
00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,840
and do most of the cooking
and whatever,
234
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:34,760
even though you work
and I don't and...
235
00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,640
and you do
all the boring arranging stuff.
236
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,280
I think she'll just write you
a blank cheque.
237
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,840
She'll be like, "Go on, Louise,
fill your boots, girl.
238
00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,360
"You can have ten affairs
if you want 'em."
239
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:47,240
I don't think
marital counselors tell clients
240
00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:49,000
to have ten affairs,
and I...
241
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:51,880
I really don't want ten.
242
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:53,600
The one I had
was very stressful.
243
00:09:53,720 --> 00:09:55,480
She's gonna write it off,
that's for sure.
244
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,240
I won't let her. I'll tell her
exactly how bad I've been.
245
00:09:58,360 --> 00:09:59,920
I don't think we need
all the details, do you?
246
00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,280
Not like that.
I mean, how awful I was.
247
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,600
How unfair and...
248
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:06,720
sneaky and...
249
00:10:09,040 --> 00:10:11,040
...morally reprehensible.
250
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:13,760
Cool.
251
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:35,200
Let's walk up this road
for a minute
252
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:36,440
and try and sort it out.
253
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:37,760
What are we sorting out?
254
00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:39,480
Well, whether a man
or a woman is best.
255
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:41,480
It's a woman,
sitting there, waiting for us.
256
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,120
There's nothing to sort out.
257
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:45,600
Well, I mean, not necessarily.
258
00:10:45,720 --> 00:10:48,280
We could forget about this
and try and find a man.
259
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,000
Who, as you point out,
would be bad in a different way.
260
00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:52,560
I've changed my mind about that.
261
00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,040
Oh, come on, Tom.
262
00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:56,400
This was your idea
in the first place.
263
00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:02,600
Tom?
264
00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:03,920
Tom!
265
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:05,720
Tom!
19592
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