All language subtitles for Schooled.S01E12.WEBRip.x264-ION10

LAINEY: Back in the '90s,

we were just beginning
to understand
all the amazing things

the Internet could
bring to our lives.

Luckily, William Penn
was led by a brave pioneer

ready to bring his teachers
into the modern age.

Welcome, fellow educators,
to our first staff meeting
in the future!

Oh!
[LAUGHS]

Ooh!
Love it.

We are getting
William Penn Academy

onto the information
superhighway.

And who better to introduce us
to this new computer age

than our own
Jean Taraborelli!

Take it away, Tabs!

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you, John.
Whoo! [LAUGHS]

Okay. Now, imagine
in your mind's eye
the William Penn website!

Oh, yes. Your lives
are about to get easier
and funner!

Funner...
That's what got me.

Ah, now this
whole cockamamie

computer-surfing thing
makes sense.

It's another one of
Taraborelli's wackadoo
schemes.

I'm sorry, do you have
a question, Gym Teacher Rick?

Yeah. Is this gonna be
a total whiff,

like the time
we had spiders

and you forced everybody
to have potted lavender
on their desks?

Lavender oil is a natural
deterrent to the arachnid.

You know what's
an actual deterrent?

An exterminator.

John? I think we strayed
way off topic here.

Also? Maybe you can get them
to stop fighting relentlessly.

No! Their fiery hatred
of each other

is the best part
of these meetings.

No, they're right.
Let's stay on track.

If this lady can't
get rid of actual spider webs,

you really want her
in charge of a web

that covers
the entire world?

I know what I'm doing!
Do you?

Yes!
Actually, I'm with Mellor
on this one.

Wow.
Really? What?

It's right there
in the movie Hackers.

CB's got a point.

I mean, hackers are sexy
but dangerous.

Is it a documentary?
It's even better.

It's like a techno-thrill ride
starring the Fisher Stevens.

I don't know who...
Got it on laserdisc.

It's that good.

LAINEY: Yep.
The movie Hackers
featured the best

that '90s tech thrillers
had to offer...

Roller-blading,
an insane plot line,

and Fisher Stevens
on a skateboard.

See? Those teenagers
hacked the stock market.

And they made it rain
inside the school.

Is this our future, John?

Angelina Jolie
is better than her father.
It is madness!

Well, leave it
to ol' Terrible-elli

to bring this technological
chaos into our lives.

Really? You're gonna
all listen to Gym Teacher Rick
over me?

The man can't even
turn on a computer!

By choice.

I trust that thing
about as far as
I can throw it.

I give you
10 feet at best.

Have you seen my legs?
I throw from my legs.

I guarantee I could chuck this
thing 30 yards...No!

♪ One of these days,
you're gonna get outta here

♪ Live your life
and finally be free

♪ Go where you wanna go,
do what you wanna do

♪ Someday, you will say
"Those were the days" ♪

LAINEY: It was May 1st,
1990-something,

and I was helping
one of my favorite students

prepare for
the talent show.

[SOFTLY]
♪ It's like rain

♪ On your wedding... ♪[GAGS]

Oh, wow.
What was that?

Nerves?

Well, it...
It was great.

I don't know
how you convinced me

to do this stupid
talent show.

Because you're the best singer
in chorus, and you love it.

Yeah, I love singing
with other people

so I can blend in
and go unnoticed.

The best singer in school
can't sing on her own.

Now, that's ironic,
don't you think?

Funny that you
should ask that.

Not asking.
Take it from an
English teacher.

The stuff listed in that song
isn't actually ironic.

And isn't that what makes
the song in itself ironic?

Holy crap.

Alanis Morissette
just blew my mind. Wow.

Fun stuff. Now, go back
to your hallway.

I'm trying to get Anna
ready for the talent show
on Saturday.

Now, this time,
when you sing it,

I want you to look
right into my eyes

and tune everything out
but me.

BOTH:
♪ It's the good advice

♪ That you just
didn't take

♪ And who
would've thought

♪ It figures ♪

Wow.
We sound awesome.

You need to get out.
Okay.

I'm serious.
Anna's painfully shy,

and the way you got through
to her was unreal.

I'm just doing my job.

Well, modesty's appreciated,
but let's be honest here.

When you first
started teaching,
you had your doubts.

I guess what I'm
trying to say is,

you've really come
so far so fast.

That's sweet.
That means a lot
coming from you.

Only this once.

[CHUCKLES] See you!

It's happening.

What is happening?

Fresh love is in the air,
my friend.

God, I don't want
to hear it.

I have been watching
this little drama unfold

between you and Lainey
all year

like it is my own
steamy telenovela.

I know drama teachers
love drama,

but there's absolutely
nothing going on between
Lainey and me.

Probably for the best,
as you clearly have no shot.

CB absolutely has a shot
with Lainey.

Allow me.

That is Barry Goldberg,
Lainey's high-school
sweetheart.

Was he insanely rich
or something?No.

Valedictorian?
Not even close.

Sharp dresser?
No.

Music prodigy?
No.

Star athlete?
God, no.

He was a nunchucking,
rapping goofball.

Wait a minute.
Lainey went out with
that Goldberg kid?

In that case,
you definitely do have a shot.

I don't need a shot,
'cause I don't want a shot.

We're just work pals,
end of story, okay?

Oh, he's in love,
all right.

And we're gonna
make it happen.

No.

Then I'm gonna
make it happen.

What are we
doing here, John?

Yeah. I usually use
my free period

to pop off
a thousand chin-ups.

This fighting
has to stop.

Your coworkers
are complaining.

Who?
Is it Liz Flemming?

I was told in confidence.

It's Liz Flemming.
She complains
about everything.

And also, she's spying
on us right now

as she pretends
to make copies.

Teachers
make copies.

That's what we do.

Okay, look,
as the head of this school,

it is my job to make sure
that all of my teachers
get along well.

So, good news is,
conflict resolution
is my jam, y'all.

Please don't use
your hip lingo with us.

We're not children.

Of course not.

So, who wants
to be the giraffe,

and who wants to be the hippo?

I think
we're done here.

Okay, fine.

It's obvious I need
to change it up

and try a more adult approach
with you two.

So, Tabs, you listen.

Rick, you speak.

Tell her why
she upsets you.

Okay, well,
she's always pushing
her crazy ideas on everybody.

She wears glasses
that are clearly

the wrong style
for her face.

She's got no respect for
the regenerative qualities

of a juiced
root vegetable...

Okay, that's fine.

Tabs, your turn.

Just lay it out.
We got all day.

He's a [BLEEP]-nut.

Whoa!
Wow.

Whoa-whoa-whee-whoo.

Okay, you know what?
I'm going back to what always
works... Group projects.

You two are setting up
our school's website together.

Oh, Dios mio.
Oh, God.

Trust me on this.
Like I always say, "Work
together to work it out."

I've never heard you
say that.

I say that
all the time.

Completely new to me.

I think you thought of it
right before we came in here.

I've been saying it
for years, guys.

What's that scribbled
on that Post-it?

Nothing. Now, get to work
and bond without knowing it.

Fine.
Whatever.

Like I always say, "Working it
out is working together."

That's different than
how you said it before.

No, it isn't!

Damn it!

CB: Congrats, Ms. Lewis.

You are officially sitting
at the cool teachers' table.

[SING-SONG VOICE] Hi.
Or not.

What are you two
up to here?
Did I miss anything?

No.
Actually, yes.

Guess who got a flippin'
singing gig, losers!

Oh, the TLA
on South Street!

Lainey, they discover
new talent all the time.

Well, all I know is I'm just
dying to get up onstage again.

Oh, wait,
this says Saturday.

That's the same night
as the talent show.

Oh, no. No.
No, no, no, no, no.

U-Uh, not good.
Ooh, drama.

Well, there's clearly only
one thing to do. [CHUCKLES]

For sure.
Tell Anna I can't go.

What?
Oh, the drama escalates.

You gave that girl an amazing
strategy to find her voice.

It only works
if you're there.

Yeah, and that's
the problem,

'cause I'll be at
the TLA on South Street.

I can't believe you're just
gonna bail on her like that.

Dude, I have to do this.

It's an amazing
opportunity.

Doesn't this job
mean anything to you?

Yes, it means
something to me!

But it doesn't mean
everything to me!

Oh, plot twist.

I have other goals,
other things
I want to do in my life.

This job's been great,
but I don't want to die
in this building.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize
we were working
in the Hindenburg.

My God. What does it
even matter to you?

Say it.
I...

[WHISPERING] Say it!
I...

Seriously, why do you even
care what I do?

Please, please,
please, please,
please, please,

please, please,
please, please.

It's just...
I thought we were friends.

I'm just looking out
for you. That's all.

Okay, well,
look somewhere else.

Oh, crap.
I like Lainey Lewis.

You love Lainey Lewis.

Like a little.
Love a lot.

Like a lot.
Love a lot.

Love a little?
All right, fine.

I'll take it.
Oh, drama.

LAINEY: Principal Glascott
had Coach Mellor
and Ms. Taraborelli

working together
to work it out.

It wasn't going great.

Ugh, please stop gulping
that disgusting beet juice!

I have
hypersensitive ears.

Clearly your ears
aren't the only thing
that's hypersensitive.

Some group project,
by the way.

I'm supposed to be
helping build

the information superhighway,
too, you know.

I'm sorry. Uh, do you know
how to set up a chat room
on America Online?

Chat what?

See, when you surf
the Internet,

you can have
conversations with people

without actually being
in the same room.

Huh.
I mean, haven't you ever had

anything you wanted to discuss
with other people,

but never had
the chance?

Yeah. Frog squats.

[KEYBOARD CLACKING]

Wait, you're telling me there
are people all over the world

that just want to
talk about frog squats?

Currently...
[GASPS] Seven.

Oh, my God.
This guy's advocating

a wider than shoulder-width
stance, just like I am!

Tabs, I owe you
a big apology.

You do? I mean,
that's what I think,

but I'm surprised
that you do.

No, you were right about
the information superhighway,

and we got to get the school
on this as soon as we can.

GLASCOTT: Well, well, well.

Look who's bonding
without knowing it.

John, you were right.

The information
superhighway is amazing.

And I am gonna personally
set up that website myself.

Wait, what?

No. No. This whole thing
was my idea.

Guys, remember,
it's a group project.

The team
that plays together...

Stays together?
Damn it.

John, our website on
the information superhighway

is going to be
the face of our school.

Would you rather
it be this face
or this face?

Okay.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Hey, that's not fair!

And it's not appropriate,
either.

I speak a little Spanish.

What's she saying?
Is she agreeing with you?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Is she insulting me?
Tell me her words!

[IN ENGLISH]
You want to know
what I'm saying?

I will never work with you
for as long as I live,
Gym Teacher Rick!

Ditto!

LAINEY: The talent show
was fast approaching,

but my prized student wasn't
sure if she was up for it.

Hi, Anna.
What's up?

You look very...

Disturbed.

I'm the closing act
of the talent show,

and I'm freaking out.

Even Ms. Lewis in the audience
isn't gonna help now.

Have you not talked to her
about the talent show yet?

Why?
Is there a problem?

Uhh...

Is she not
gonna be there?

Oh, no, no. Of course.

But I'm just saying,
if she's not there,
I'll be there.

Why do I need you there?

You don't...
Unless you do.

Do you? You...
You'll have me
there if you want me.

Also, you should go
talk to her.

[SIGHS] I saved it.

Greetings.
Aah! Oh.

I come with big news,
my young Lothario.

Lainey likes you.

According to who?

Me.

No one in this school
has their finger on the pulse

of who secretly wants to
get it on like Susan Cinoman.

Will you leave me alone
if I ask her out
for a coffee or something?

It's happening.
First coffee,

and then a sunset
hot-air balloon ride
across the Delaware River.

Just coffee.
Perfect.

Ugh! Useless.

I hate books.

Oh, that's a good message
for the kids.

I just don't know
how to handle
Mellor and Tabs.

None of my old methods
are working.

Have you tried
bold-faced lying?

I find it
very effective.

Not helpful.

You're right.
You don't need me
to figure this out.

You're a capable man
with good ideas.

Oh, thank you.

Lies!

Your ideas are not good,
and people are losing
faith in you.

But you see how loved
you felt before I destroyed
the illusion?

LAINEY: John couldn't lie
to his teachers,

but he suddenly
realized that,

through the miracle
of the Internet,

maybe he could get them
to lie to each other.

Ah, Ed Morris.

Just the young man
I wanted to see.

I got locked out
of my e-mail,

and I was hoping
you could help me get back in.

Sure.

This isn't your e-mail.
This is Coach Mellor's.

Did I say mine?
I don't think I did.

Anyways, I tried guessing
his password a few times,
but so far, no luck.

So, you want me to hack
into Coach's e-mail.

Whoa, whoa.
No one said anything
about hacking, Ed.

Coach Mellor just wants me
to write an e-mail for him
to Ms. Taraborelli.

Why doesn't he just
do it himself?

You're asking a lot
of questions, Ed Morris.

I'm just trying
to help you hack.

I said
we're not hacking!

Sounds like
we're hacking.

Okay, fine.
We're hacking.

I need Mellor and Tabs to send
nice e-mails to each other.

Can you get me
into their accounts?

Never fear.
I is here.

LAINEY: Just like
the movieHackers,

Principal Glascott was using
cutting-edge technology

to pull off
his sophisticated plan.

Boom.
Cracked his password.

Yes! What was it?

"Password."

A lot of adults stupidly
never change it.

Yeah, that is dumb.

Unrelated, after I finish
sending these e-mails,

I need you
to change my password.

Hi, Lainski.

Um, I was just
wondering if...

You're a dumb-ass?
Yes. Majorly.

Actually,
that wasn't the question.

Did you tell Anna
I was bailing on Saturday?

What? No. I didn't.

I mean, I did,
but I covered crazy good.

No, you didn't!
She was in here crying, and
I had to tell her everything.

Wasn't that
always the plan?

No! I've been coughing
and acting sick
for the past few days,

while also peppering in
a few references to
my Gam Gam being deathly ill.

I wasn't sure
which way I would
ultimately go with it.

But I was
laying groundwork!

Well, I'm sorry I ruined
your crazy web of lies,

but there's a girl
that's gonna go onstage

to sing a song
about irony,

and the person that
convinced her to do that
isn't gonna be there.

Your point?

It's horrible,
and definitely ironic.

You know what's ironic?
Get out.

Mmm, see,
that's actually not ironic.

That was close to my face.
I'm gonna go.

[WHISPERING] You didn't even
ask her to the romance coffee!

[WHISPERING] I thought maybe
it wasn't the right moment,

given she's throwing stuff
at me.

She's angry
because she cares a lot.

Now, get back in there
and get that date!

Hey.

I'm sensing that
you're mad at me,

so I was wondering if
you wanted to grab a cup
of joe and talk about it.

[COUGHING]

I'm gonna go.

It's working.

[WHISPERING]
Are you insane?Go back!

Okay, so, real quick...

[DOOR SLAMS]

[NORMAL VOICE]
Yeah, I was wrong.
She's not a fan.

You're very bad
at this.

LAINEY: Principal Glascott's
hacking was successful,

and his fake e-mails
had been sent and received.

Hey.
What do you got there?

I just knit something
for Rick.

It's a beet juice cozy!

Seems like you two are
finally getting along, huh?

Well, you know,
he wrote me the sweetest
apology last night.

Oh.

He said he was sorry,
and he super respects me.

Yeah, but,
bless his heart,

that man cannot write
to save his life.

That's kind of
a cheap shot.

You have to keep this
a secret, okay?

Because he specifically said
I cannot discuss his e-mail
with anyone, not even him.

Hello!

I made you
a beet-juice cozy.

"You Can't Beat Beets."
I say that.

Yeah, I know! And it always
annoyed me until today.

Your e-mail was very nice.

My what, now?
Oh, wow.

Uh, I don't know the details,

but I think you were
specifically asked not
to mention that.

But it was just so big of you
to both compliment

my dedication
to core strength

and to admit that
your cockamamie ideas
can be so irritating.

I'm sorry.
I didn't write you an e-mail.

See, you wrote me
an e-mail.

His e-mail. Your e-mail.
You've Got Mail.

[CHUCKLES]
That's a good movie.

Wait, I'm confused.

Did you
or did you not apologize

for being a nervous,
anxious dork all the time?

First of all,
Gym Teacher Rick,

I would never
write that about myself.

Why don't we just
stay focused on the progress
you two have made?

Secondly, you're the one
that admitted to me

that you're a stubborn jackass
and apologized

for your pungent salmon jerky
in the teachers' lounge.

That dried fish snack
is Mother Nature's taffy!

Okay, let's just agree
that the details

of the extremely well-written,
heartfelt e-mails
aren't important.

Just know that
you each wrote them.

Oh, John,
are you kidding me?

What?
All right.

Well, I think it's pretty
obvious who wrote the e-mails.

Indeed. The machines
have become self-aware.

They've risen up
against us.

Yes.
No, you dumb-dumb.

John!
Wait.

You hacked us?

Maybe a little hacking.

Guys. Come on!
Hey.

I'm sorry.

I just wanted you two
to find common ground.

You need to look deep
in my glasses, John,
and know this...

I will never find
common ground
with Gym Teacher Rick.

And I will never learn Spanish
because of her!

And also
because it's hard.

So, you need to pick.

Either he goes or I go.

LAINEY: Principal Glascott
had failed at fixing Coach
and Ms. Taraborelli.

But he still had one more trick up his sleeve.

John, get in here!
We got a huge problem!

We've been hacked!

Who hacked us?
Hackers!

Hackers hacked us?
How?

Steel yourself,
my friend,

because once you see this,
life will never be the same.

Sweet Holy Ghost!
There's dingles everywhere!

Our hacker pasted in an array
of poorly rendered drawings
of the male anatomy.

School crest,
dingle.

School mascot,
dingle.

School motto,
"To dingle is to dingle."

That is not our motto!

The website was
your responsibility.

You are
on administrative leave,
effectively immediately.

Wait. You're suspending her?

I have no choice, Rick!
The board is gonna
want her out.

But it's not her fault!

This is clearly the work
of malnourished
hackers in hoodies.

Enough with
that stupid movie.

This is real life.

It was her idea.

If anybody should be fired,
it's me.

Wait, what?

I took over the project,
remember?

This dingle fiasco
happened on my watch.

Rick, if you take the fall,
I can't protect you.

I know, boss.

I'll go pack up
my gear, and...

I'll see you around.

No.

We were both
in charge.

If he goes, I go.

That's legitimately
the nicest thing

anybody's ever done
for me.

Maybe you deserve
something nice.

GLASCOTT: Wow.

Seems to me you're bonding
without even knowing it.

You didn't!
Son of a bitch!

I had no choice.

I knew, despite everything,
you respect each other.

I just had to make you
see it, too.

John, we have
a huge problem!
We've been hacked.

No, I just had Ed Morris
deface the home page
so I could fix things.

Wait, so, you were responsible
for that wang parade?

Relax. Ed only put it
on this one computer.
I'll have him erase it.

No, John.
It's the World Wide Web.

If it's on one computer,
it's on every computer.

I knew that.

Ed Morris,
I need you right now!

LAINEY: Principal Glascott
had finally brought
his teachers together.

But without me there
to support her,

my star student
was feeling very alone.

Hi.
[MICROPHONE FEEDBACK]

My name is Alanis,
and I'm singing
Anna Morissette... Oh.

[LAUGHTER]

I mean...

Here goes.

[QUIETLY]
♪ An old man turned 98

Louder!

[LAUGHTER]

♪ It's a black fly
in your Chardonnay

♪ It's a death row pardon
two minutes too late

[CONFIDENTLY]
♪ Isn't it ironic?

♪ Don't you think?

Bring it home, baby.

♪ It's like rain
on your wedding day

♪ It's a free ride
when you've already paid

♪ It's the good advice
that you just didn't take

♪ And who
would've thought?

♪ It figures

What happened
to your gig?

Turns out
I already got one.

God help me.

It's nice to see
you showed up for Anna.

And for you, dummy.

I just didn't want you
thinking I don't want
to be a teacher,

even though I'm
shockingly good at it.

Isn't it ironic?

I'm not sure anymore.

Me, neither.

♪ It's like rain
on your wedding day

LAINEY: When
I started teaching,

I didn't realize that working together to help kids achieve their best

would create bonds stronger than I ever imagined.

And boom!
William Penn's website
is now dingle-free.

I got to admit, you really
know your way around
a computer.

Oh.
You were right.

This whole thing was just
potted lavender
all over again.

Wasn't all bad.

At least we can be in
the same room together.

And from this point on,
I will never call you
a "wackadoo" again.

From now on, I'm just gonna
refer to you as "Rick."

Bring it in,
you lovable kook!

Oh! Hugging!

LAINEY: 'Cause when
you work side by side
in school every day,

you learn to respect
each other,

and sometimes grow closer
than you realize.

Well,
I'll see you tomorrow.

Unless you want to grab
that cup of coffee.

It's 10:00 at night,
dude.

Right.

Hello?
Let's go drink, dummy.

Yes. Better.

[VEHICLE APPROACHES]

♪ Isn't it ironic?

Barry?
♪ Don't you think? ♪

Heard you might still be
hanging around this place.

What are you doing here?

I came to see you.

Oh!

LAINEY: Of course, sometimes, when you're finally ready

to tell someone
how you truly feel,

you find out
you're too late.

It's ironic,
don't you think?

[GASPS] Drama.

Hello. I'm Ana Gasteyer,

and I'm sitting here with
the real-life Susan Cinoman.

So, this episode tonight
is based on something
that happened to you.

More of a compilation
of a few different students,

about how, sometimes,
a teacher has to sacrifice

some of their own interests,
you know,
for the sake of a kid.

Do you have a favorite memory
about the real CB?

CB was truly
the cool teacher.

And he was
a heartbreaker.

He didn't break my heart.
[LAUGHS]

There were
a few other teachers,
I think.

Do you feel that my portrayal
of you captures you?

I think you are
incredibly hilarious.

Good answer so far.

Do you have cheaters?

'Cause I like to look
over my piano at students
and shame them.

I just...

Oh, you just level them
with a Cinoman stare.

BOTH: Drama!