All language subtitles for Jimmy Carr - Funny Business 2016 (1080p x265 10bit Joy)

Wow!

Good evening, London.
You well?

-Yes!, Fabulous.

You are in very safe hands this evening.

I've been doing comedy now for, uh...
money and sex.

It's going very well.

I live in North London now,

and a guy came up to me
in the high street near where I live.

He was all excited.
He went...

"I didn't recognise you!"

I said, "Yeah, you did."

I should really have explained
when I walked on, as well,

I look like this because my dad is Irish
and my mum is Roger Federer.

Speaking of looks,

we were watching
proper BBC News the other day

and Liz Hurley came on the news.
Not like that, obviously.

Ah...

But she was on the news.

She was promoting some new
TV show, and they did this thing.

They would only get away
with doing this on the news.

They put her age after her name.

So, it said,
"Liz Hurley, 50."

And my girlfriend turned to me and went,
"I hope I look that good when I'm 50."

I said, "You don't look that good now.

What do you think's gonna happen?

You're gonna get to 49 and invent
a time machine, are you? Best of luck."

Liz Hurley's a good-looking woman.

-You'd agree with that, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I mean,
I don't wanna be crude...

Well, I do wanna be crude,
but not till later on.

I'll ease it in.

It's a gift. Um...

Liz Hurley's a good-looking woman.

Put it this way,
I would ride her like a stolen bike.

You look as if you may require
further clarification there, sir.

What I'm saying is,
I would crawl over broken glass

to suck the cock
of the last man that fucked her.

We're all clear, we're all clear.
We're all caught up.

Ladies spend ages
getting ready for a night out.

Not all of them, obviously.

No, you were probably in a hurry.
Don't feel bad.

I was just randomly pointing down
to whoever's sat there.

So, that's... That is nothing
more than a happy coincidence.

Well, you're laughing,
but the eyes are fucking daggers.

I'm in all kinds of trouble.

My girlfriend spends ages
getting ready for a night out.

I'm not sure
what she's getting ready for.

Disappointment is my best guess.

Nando's and a movie.
That's our classic date night.

And I love the cinema.
Don't get me wrong. Love the cinema.

My only issue with the cinema,
it's only a little thing,

but I get annoyed by the popcorn.

I think the popcorn in a cinema should
have a very clear warning label on it,

saying, "May contain nuts."

Because if you're with me,
it might.

"I know you said you wanted salty. Wait."

Because I've cut a hole
in the bottom of the container.

And I've sort of placed it there.

And I've shoved my genitals
through the hole.

And then when the lady I'm with
has reached in to get popcorn,

innocently enough,
she's touched my genitals,

and that's caused me to ejaculate.

And it's that ejaculate that's caused
the salty flavour you're so familiar with.

I'm happy to explain any
and all of these as we go through.

It's clearly a mixed-ability group.

Horror films.
Anyone else like horror films?

Yes!

I like watching horror films
hiding behind the sofa,

'cause that way,
my neighbours don't know I'm there.

I like those black-and-white films
where no one says anything.

Interracial porn.

Don't panic.
I've checked, and that one's fine.

Flooding.
We had pretty bad flooding last year.

I saw a woman on the news,
in her flooded front room, crying.

I thought...
"Crying's not helping.

If anything,
you're making matters worse, luv."

See, the flooding was pretty serious.

We knew the flooding was serious
'cause it happened in London.

That's when you know it's serious.

It's not as bad when it happens
in the West Country, is it?

Chance for them to get some use
out of those webbed fingers.

Oh, sorry, we're taping this this evening
for Netflix, so I should explain.

The West Country, sort of Louisiana.
There you go.

I'll translate as we go along.

Is there anyone in
from the West Country?

Yes!

Sorry, I didn't mean to ruin
your romantic night out with your sister.

I was just making a joke.
Having a bit of fun. Having fun.

Last time we had a white Christmas,
I made snow angels.

I skidded on some ice
and took out three pedestrians.

I recently wrote a book
about poltergeists.

And I'm pleased to say
it is flying off the shelves.

Proper fucking jokes in this show.

My friend said to me,
"What rhymes with orange?"

I said, "No, it doesn't."

How do they get
all those drugs into our jails?

I guess they're smuggled in
by some asshole.

I've only given you a joke.

You've just given me a look as if to say,

"Yeah, so we do that.
What's your fucking problem?"

What do you do for a living, sir?

Have a little think.
I mean...

I'm not busy.
Relax.

You're an accountant?

Where were you
when I fucking needed you, mate?

-Eh?

No good showing up now.
No good showing up now.

If you're watching this on Netflix
in America, don't Google that.

-I'm a good guy.

Shh!

What a lot of comedians do on stage,
is they bullshit the audience.

They'll tell an audience
they've recently broken up with a girl.

It's bullshit.

The reason they do it
is to elicit sympathy

from attractive female audience
members, so then after the show,

they've got that sympathy in
when they're chatting to them at the bar.

They can try and sort of chat 'em up,
try and pick 'em up,

ultimately, try and shag them.

Rest assured,
I would never do that

because I think it would be disrespectful
to the memory of my wife.

I just need to be held.

Have we got any Christians in?
Is anyone here a Christian?

Whoo!

Christian there?
What's your name, sir?

Andreas.

Andreas?
Well, very nice to have you in.

An offer just for you, Andreas.

Would you be interested, Andreas,
in buying some magic beans?

I'm only asking you, Andreas,
'cause you are fucking gullible.

I'm sure Andreas won't mind me
sharing that with the group.

You know you are.

You believe the story
of a 14-year-old girl

who finds herself pregnant.

And when asked about the pregnancy,
as well she might be,

she goes,
"This? Not what you think.

I was raped by a ghost."

Really, Andreas?

Fast-forward 2,000 years.

Jeremy Kyle,

would you believe her then?

Would you?
Fuck!

I mean, you'd watch it,
but you'd watch it thinking,

"Joseph, mug. Mary, slag."

Daily Mail

"Immigrant Teen Mum Benefits Cheat
Living in Luxury Shed."

"Have you declared that gold,
frankincense and myrrh?"

Andreas, you don't look annoyed.
You all right?

-Yeah.
-You're fine. Of course you are.

I got a guy annoyed
with that the other week.

I did that bit of material,

and there was a guy down the front,
a middle-class guy,

I got him really annoyed.

You can tell when you've
annoyed someone middle class

'cause they get a bit bobbly-headed.

He had a point to make,
and it was rattling around in his head.

I said, "What's your point?"

He said, "I notice you make those jokes
about Jesus and the Christians,

but would you say that about Muhammad
or the Islamic faith, I wonder?"

I said, "It's a very good point.
Well made.

Have you thought about
blowing something up?

No one's scared of you."

Seriously, what are you gonna do, Andreas?
Forgive me?

I try not to censor myself on stage.
I should say that early on.

You know,
if I think something's funny,

I think you might think
it was funny as well,

and then we'd all have a laugh,
release some endorphins,

and the world would be
a very slightly better place, yeah?

And if anyone's offended,
eh, fuck 'em!

But I wrote a joke recently
that I worry about telling.

I wrote a joke about
the negative stereotypes

that still prevail in our society
concerning women.

And I worry about telling that joke,

because I worry,
"Well, if I were to tell that joke

and it were to be misconstrued
as genuine misogyny,

it could really light the fuse
on some bitch's tampon.

I would feel awful.
I'm not sexist.

I've got nothing but respect
for every woman I've ever slung one up.

Pride and Prejudice.

Spoiler alert, in the end,
Mr Darcy slings one up her.

It's very good.

Oh, here's an interesting fact.

The most common superstition in Britain
today is a belief in horoscopes.

And there's a name for people
that believe in horoscopes.

They're called single women.

Are there any single ladies in?
Shout, single ladies!

Whoo!

Who's the single lady down there,
give us your... What's your name?

-Laura.
-Laura?

What's your date of birth?
What month?

-February.
-What star sign is that?

Pisces.

So February,
and what's the exact date?

Twenty-sixth.

The 26th?

It's just, you die alone.

Normally, this is a really
upbeat bit of the show.

Nine times out of ten,
Mr Right is just around the corner, but...

Well, not alone-alone.
A cat eats your face.

But it's not great news, is it?
It's not...

I really hope this hasn't ruined
your last night out.

So, we should find out more.
What do you do?

I'm a student.

You're a student.
And what are you studying?

-Engineering.
-Engineering?

-Where are you from?
-China.

From China?

I'm fucking big in China.
Well done, me.

Are you living here, or you're just...
You're visiting?

And you decided,
"I'll tell you who I want to see.

That fella."

You've made a terrible decision.
This is filth.

You definitely didn't Google me in China.
I'll tell you that for nothing.

There's no way
I made it past that firewall.

-Um...

Tremendous!

Some people think it's good luck
if a bird shits on them.

And they're called German porn stars.

If you don't get it, Google it.

I find most young women
make a lot of noise in the bedroom.

I guess they're not expecting
to see anyone at their window.

Now, my job is writing jokes.

All I've got to do for a living
is write jokes.

Pretty easy job to have. Now, sometimes,
I don't even have to do that.

Sometimes, you just overhear people
saying something, and you think,

"Well, I can just tell people
what I overheard, and that's enough.

Just report speech.
That'll do."

I had this happen recently.
I was in a supermarket car park.

You couldn't find
a more boring place to be.

Just walking back to my car with a coffee.

I overheard these two men
having a conversation.

It was clearly gonna be a fight,
but it wasn't a fight yet.

So as I walked by,
I just heard a snippet of conversation.

That is all I needed.

I'll tell you what one man
said to another man,

we'll all have a laugh,
and we'll move on with our lives.

I heard one man say to another,

"You can't park in a disabled bay,
you spastic!"

Shut the front door!

"You can't park in a disabled bay,
you spastic"?

How could you be that right
and that wrong that quickly?

It's remarkable!

Of course, political correctness
has changed the world.

I don't mind tackling the tough topics.

Here's my view on immigration.

I sort of think these Bulgarians
and these Romanians,

they come over here,
taking our Polish people's jobs.

People that adhere
to political correctness are,

in my opinion, retarded faggots.

I can see some of you
sitting in judgement, thinking,

"'Retarded faggots.'
That is an offensive phrase."

But it's not that offensive a phrase.

Not when you compare it
to my impersonation of...

a retarded faggot.

"I want a cock in me.
I'm a really good bummer."

That's offensive.

Compared to that,
phrase doesn't seem as bad now, does it?

I've been described, London,
as a sex symbol.

And that symbol is a question mark.

Followed by a "no".

I've had sex
with a lot of different woman.

The first time I had sex,
I wanted it to be special.

Well, not special-special,
but consensual.

I actually didn't lose my virginity
until I was in my 20s,

and, really, the reason was being fussy.

Most women are really... fussy.

And what made it worse was my best friend
lost his virginity in year 11,

which would have been pretty cool,
but he was home-schooled.

It's not as bad as you think.

Fit mum.

It could've been worse.
It could've been ugly dad.

Cheer up, everyone.

Well, look, I've got the easiest job here.
I just tell jokes.

It doesn't get any easier
than telling jokes.

Let's find out what other people do.

Do we have any nurses in?
Is anyone a nurse?

-A few nurses?

You've got your hand up there.
What kind of a nurse are you?

-You talk to them over the phone?

-Yeah.
-Are you sure...

If you're... If people think
you're dressed as a nurse,

and you're chatting to them
on the phone, I think... I'm not sure...

"You're feeling very stiff,
are you? I see.

I think I can help."

Any other nurses?
What else we got?

Geriatric? Can't go wrong
with geriatric, can you?

If you give 'em too much of something,
and then, "Oh, he's dead."

No one's doing an autopsy
on a 91-year-old.

Fuck it, you're fine.

Any others?

Intensive care!

Intensive care?
That's interesting.

So the other nurses...
Do you care about your patients?

You care? Do you care about your patients?
Do you?

Little bit.
Not like she fucking cares.

Intensively.

"Hope they make it."

Any others?
What else we got?

Paediatric!
Student!

Sorry, student?

We should get together
and have a chat after the show

'cause I'm also not a nurse.

-What, sorry?

Sorry, did you just say dental?

A dental nurse?

Well, I think we can all agree,
that doesn't count.

-Definitely doesn't count. No way.

Are you joking?

Let me ask you, sir.
I don't know what you do for a living.

If I gave you
a disgusting pink fluid to drink,

and there was a sink there,
and I said, "Rinse",

-would you be able to...

...work out where to spit it?

You would?

We don't need you!
We don't need you.

A nurse finds a rectal thermometer
in her pocket and thinks,

"Some asshole's got my pen."

Social networking sites.

Are you all
on the social networking sites?

Yeah!

They're bloody good, aren't they?
They help people to meet people.

That's what they do brilliantly.

I've got a friend of mine,
gay friend of mine,

joined Grindr a couple of weeks ago,

and his social life
has been such a whirlwind,

he's hardly been able to sit down.

That's a joke about
super-aggressive anal sex.

You got that?
Well, that is to your credit.

Lesbians get a lot out of Internet dating.

I'll explain.

We've all got pretty good gaydar
these days, haven't we?

We're all familiar with gaydar,
the term, yes?

Yeah, yes.

So gaydar is the voice in your head that,
when you meet a gay guy, goes,

"Oh, a gay guy."

If you say out loud,

"Bummer on the loose!
Bummer on the loose!"

That is homophobia.
Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Yeah, I just said that.
Deal with it.

But with lesbians, the gaydar certainly
needs to be more finely tuned, doesn't it?

For the lesbians,
it needs to be more finely tuned.

But, yeah, sometimes, it's very difficult
to know whether a woman is a lesbian

or just a regular girl
in a very bad mood.

And if you're a lesbian,
and you didn't find that funny,

well, you've proved my point for me.

Are there any lesbians in?
Does anyone favour the flatter shoe?

Any lady golfers?

Is anyone here "allergic to nuts"?

Would any of the women in here
describe themselves as crack addicts?

Or vagitarian?

Seriously, are there any lesbians in?

Well, you're definitely
one of the butcher ones, aren't ya?

Maybe there are none in.
That would be a very weird thing.

Maybe no one's full-time.

Gay dudes pretty much
go full-time, don't they?

You meet very few bisexual men.
I've met, like, a handful in my life.

Of bisexual men.
They're like fucking unicorns.

Men make a decision about dicks early on.

Either, "This one's good.
The rest can fuck off."

Or, "These are all delicious!"

It's one or the other forever.

Whereas, with the lesbians,
it could be a mood thing, can't it?

It could be a mood thing.

"Spaghetti" is, I believe, the term.

Straight until wet.

If you're not laughing, you're learning.
And that's great, too. Great to learn.

We had a lovely
lesbian couple in recently.

They were sitting
sort of front and centre.

And I got chatting to them.

And, you know,
as well I might, I said,

"Girls, what would it take
to get you back on solids?"

And one of the girls, quick as a flash,
went, "12 inches."

I said,
"Well, I could give you 12 inches...

in three instalments."

Of course, the big question,
at the moment, globally, is

"Should gay men
be allowed to get married?"

And I'm a liberal. I say yes,
as long as they find the right woman.

I could have been gay.
I failed the oral.

Don't neglect the balls.
There's a lesson.

There is one sexual grouping
that annoys me in society, one grouping.

And it's actually heterosexual men.

It's only been the last couple of years.

8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown.

As a result of doing that show,
I'm now associated with Rachel Riley.

-And as a result of that...

Well, this is the problem.

I'll be on trains, in bars, hotels,
wherever I happen to be.

Men will come up to me.
They won't even say hello to me.

They'll just come up to me and go,
"Rachel Riley. I'd give her one!"

"Well, she'll be thrilled.
How can we get in touch?"

I mean, I get it.
Rachel Riley is a very attractive woman.

If she was my daughter,
I'd still be bathing her.

True story. Um...

But let's be realistic.

I'm 43 years of age.
Rachel Riley is 28.

I look at her and think,
"Aw, if only you were ten years younger."

The thing that's annoying
about straight men, as well,

it's all about surface.
Just about looks and nothing else.

It's never about her mind.
And her mind is the extraordinary thing.

She's so clever. She's like a walking,
talking Stephen Hawking.

She's brainier than
Kurt Cobain's garage ceiling.

Too soon?

Fuck him.
He was always shooting his mouth off.

I think everyone's here.

Is there an empty seat there
in the middle?

You haven't been stood up for a date,
have you, madam?

-No.
-No?

-It's her carer.
-It's her carer?

Someone's not getting laid tonight,
but totally worth it, sir. Well played.

-100% worth it.

Good on you.

I had great latecomers the other week.
So, I think everyone's here,

but I had great latecomers the other week.

So I was playing this venue,
and it had a wooden floor.

And this couple walked in about,
you know, half an hour into the show.

They walked in, and the lady
had really clumpy shoes on.

So as she walked in,

it was, like, the loudest thing
you've ever heard, as she walked in.

And it really pulled focus,
and they sat sort of front and centre.

And so, I thought,
"Well, I'd better say hello."

I said, "Well, how come
you guys are late?"

And the guy said,
really aggressively, he said,

"She's pregnant."

Immediately, I'm on the back foot.
I went, "Right. When's it due?"

And he went,
"About nine months."

Fucking legend!

Now some of you sent me
text messages during the evening,

and thank you very much.

And some of you sent me text messages,
and fuck you very much.

I'll show you what I mean.
First one in.

"Jimmy, are you disappointed that
instead of being hung like a donkey,

you laugh like one?"

I really wish I didn't laugh at that.

Especially like that.

"What's the difference between
three cocks and a joke?

Your mum can't take a joke."

"Can you stop dissing my dad?
Thanks, Jesus."

Is that Andreas?

Have you got an emoji
of a church on your phone?

Tragic.

"Went to my daughter's
netball finals the other day!

What a semi!"

"Hey, Jimmy.
It's mine and my boyfriend's one year.

Threesome?"

Well, whose one-year anniversary is it?
Where are you?

Hello, how are you?

Can I just have a look?

Nah, I'll be all right, thanks.

"What is your stance on midget porn?"

Like a deep lunge.

Sorry, sir, we made eye contact.

I really feel like
we're in this together now, mate.

That's tough on the hamstrings.

"Please, can you take
the piss out of my fiancée?

She's five months pregnant and ginger."

Where's the ginger pregnant lady?
Where are you?

I'm not gonna take the piss.

I'll say to you what I say to all
ginger women I meet who are pregnant.

Well done!

Well done.
You tricked someone into fucking that!

"I became a proud dad today.

My son is actually four,

but he was a boring little cunt
for the first three years."

There's a ring of truth there,
isn't there?

"He doesn't do much.
He can't even kick a fucking ball."

"Hi, Jimmy. What would you do
to make a wedding day stand out

and be even more special?"

Leave her at the aisle.

Who's getting married?
Who sent me that? Who's...

You two are getting married?

You are... I mean,
I don't want to be rude to you, sir.

You seem like a lovely fella,

but you are punching
way above your weight.

That's unbelievable.
How have you done that?

Has she got low self-esteem
or have you got money?

What's going on?

You can't see it, but this is...
I mean, they're like different species.

This is...
Well played, man, well played.

Well, madam,
I've got a tip for you.

Or if you like,
I could put the whole thing in.

She said yes, yeah?
She hasn't said much so far.

You're 100% sure
she's gonna marry you?

She's wearing the ring.

She's wearing the ring?

Yeah, 'cause girls hate jewellery.
I remember now.

Fucking terrific.
Well played.

Go on, what else have we got?

"My son was thrown out of school today

for letting a girl in his class
wank him off.

I said,
'Son, that's three schools this year.

Maybe teaching isn't for you.'"

"Hey, Jimmy, what would be your advice
for finding my friend David a girlfriend?

Thanks."

Right, where's David?

Hey, David.
How are you, mate?

I'm good.

And you're looking for...
How long have you been single?

-Too long.
-Too long?

Not to worry.
Do you like engineering students?

Of course you fucking do.
What do you think?

You don't... Sorry.
"I don't live in this country"?

Sir, do you remember earlier
when she was a student in this country,

studying engineering?

She's giving all that up...

not to be with you,
but to make sure it doesn't happen.

That is a...

What do you do?

-I work in a gym.
-You work in a gym?

Okay. And do you...
Do you know that you're gay yet, or not?

'Cause I know this can be a tough way
to find out, but I've got the super...

I've got, like, the deluxe gaydar,

and it turns out
what you like is not that.

You work in a gym, do ya?
Hmm...

Are you muscly?

Why am I seducing a man now?
This doesn't seem...

I'm gonna try and sleep with him
just to prove a point. Come on.

Did any other single ladies
see him and like the idea?

-Whoo!
-You... I, well...

That sounded like...

I mean, I've also got "slagdar".
That...

I mean, it might not be a relationship,
but that will fuck you in half.

What else we got?

"Jimmy, I went to the gym last week,

and I noticed a hole in my trainer
big enough to put my finger in.

Anyway, she made a formal complaint,
and I'm banned for life."

It's a shame that wasn't
a "he made a formal complaint."

That would've been perfect.

"What's the difference between
a lentil and a chickpea?"

I don't know, what is the difference
between a lentil and a chickpea?

"I wouldn't pay £200
to have a lentil on my face."

The Lego Movie."

"Don't let them take the piss
out of your clothes, Jimmy.

That's the best material you've got."

So mean.

Quite enough of that.

Thanks for those.

My girlfriend gets annoyed
by my loud chewing,

but I don't complain about
the pubes in my teeth.

It's a joke!
My girlfriend hasn't got pubes.

Yet.

If you only laughed when I said "yet",
you're a bad person.

There's something you can get, gentlemen,

if you have, or you perceive
that you have, a small penis.

It's called an Audi convertible.

Have you got an Audi convertible?

She just gave you a look
like something in the joke related to you.

You're saying
it definitely wasn't the car.

Okay...

-What do you do for a living, sir?
-I'm an osteopath.

An osteopath. Okay. I mean,
just say masseuse if you mean masseuse.

Tired businessman away from home.
Full of questions.

Curious as to what an osteopath might do.

And what about you, the other half?
What do you do?

-I'm his sister.
-You're his sister?

Um, well, I don't approve.

You're not the other half.
You're his sister. Okay.

And you guys, you're just out
on a Saturday night... on a date.

This is the worst Tinder has ever got it.

It's my birthday present.

This is your birthday present?

Well, I...
Well, happy birthday.

I can't ask your age 'cause you're a lady,

but, um, how much do you weigh?

Go on, what, what...
Is it a big birthday?

-Is it a big birthday, small birthday?
-Twenty-three.

Twenty-three?
You're so young.

Well, look,
why don't we make it special?

After the show, come backstage,
and I'll finger blast you.

It's a joke.

I'll fuck her.

All the teachers at my school
were really strict.

I remember every Monday morning,
I had to give the deputy head.

Now, I keep on getting asked, "Why aren't
there more female stand-up comedians?"

It should be 50-50, right?
'Cause the population is 50-50.

Men and women laugh
at the same things.

We think of the same
funny things to say in life.

So it should be 50-50,

the sort of proportion
of comedians on stage.

But it isn't.
And I was wondering why.

I think it's 'cause women have
an ability that men don't possess.

Women have the ability
to think of something funny to say,

and then not say it.

Because it might "hurt someone's
feelings" or be inappropriate.

Well, men don't really have that gear.

What we've got is probably best
described as Joke Tourette's.

If we think something might be funny,
we are fucking saying it.

Not later on,
when everyone's calmed down.

Right fucking now.

We could be at your mum's funeral.

"All right, luv,
she's not the only thing that's stiff.

Well, nothing ventured.
She was already in a terrible mood.

Lovely spread, she's got a face on.
There's no pleasing some people."

My Joke Tourette's occasionally
gets me into, like, proper trouble.

Have we got any police in?
Any police officers?

-Whoo!
-Oh, there's one over there?

Look, I got stopped speeding.
Not the worst thing I've done.

Face facts.

So I got pulled over for speeding, right?

And the police officer came round

to the window of the car
and did the usual thing of going,

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

I said, "I'm sorry, Officer.
Clearly too fast. I'm so sorry."

Couldn't have been nicer and more
middle class about the whole thing.

And he went,
"Eighty-eight miles an hour!"

And I said, "I was trying
to get back to 1955."

Three fucking points on my licence.

Would you have let me off?

-No!
-No?

What, you think 88's too fast
to be doing in a 30 zone during the day?

In my defence,
I was fucking hammered.

I hate oversleeping,
waking up and suddenly realising,

"Ah! I'm in the wrong lane!"

Must be tough being an air hostess.

Their ears must pop all the time,

what with sucking
the pilot's cock so hard.

Joking. I'm sure they get used to it.

PC thinks it's helping,

but I'm not sure political correctness
really changes anything.

Because of political correctness,

you're not meant to say
"air hostess" any more, are you?

You're meant to say,
if it's a woman, "sky waitress",

and if it's a man, "homosexual".

Doesn't really change anything.

I joke a lot about sexism and misogyny,
just because I view them as ridiculous,

sort of, risible things in our society.

But when you hear a story about
someone being actually sexist,

it blows your mind
that people could be that ignorant.

I heard a story recently.

I was flying to New York,
and I got chatting to the flight crew.

They told me what had happened
the week before. I'll tell you the story.

So, you know when the pilot does
the little Tannoy announcement

at the beginning of a flight?
He does the little,

"Hello, I'm your captain, Jonathan,

and we're flying at 38,000 feet
to New York today."

And you're sitting there,
flicking through a magazine, thinking,

"Couldn't give a fuck who you are.

And I know where we're going.
It says it on the ticket."

You don't get that anywhere else, do you?
You don't get that in the back of a taxi.

"Hello, my name's Eric,
and we're going to your house."

"Wind your neck in, Eric.
Drive the car."

So, on this occasion,
it happened to be a female pilot.

So it was,
"Hello, my name's Sharla,

I'm your pilot today, and we're flying
at 38,000 feet to New York."

And this guy on the flight
undid his seat belt, got up,

got his hand luggage
down from the overhead,

and started walking down the aisle.

So the cabin crew are having
a little hissy fit.

They said, "Sir, you've got to sit down.
We're about to take off."

He said, "No, I'm getting off."

They said, "What's the problem?"

He said, "Woman driver."

What a fucking lunatic!

It's not as if
she had to reverse it into New York.

I don't know about you, London,

but I get terrified flying
at the best of times.

'Cause you never know
how reliable or durable

the condom in your stomach is gonna be.

Do you all listen to
the safety announcement when you fly?

-No!
-You've got to!

Otherwise, you're not gonna know
where your whistle is

when a maniac blows you
out of the fucking sky.

"Take that, ISIS!"

For all the fucking good it does,
the crash position might as well be that.

"Hope we don't die."

Doesn't matter.
I mean, the bad news is,

when a 747 crashes or blows up,
everyone dies.

The good news is you don't have
to listen to the safety announcement.

There's really no point.

You're never in a bar the night after
a plane crash, with a friend, going,

"It's awful, isn't it?
Did you read about that?

Three-hundred people.
What a terrible thing.

What an awful way to go.
How shocking."

Someone at the bar never goes,
"Plane crash? Couldn't help but overhear.

Yeah, I was in one of those.

Nah, I was fine. Thank you.

Well, no, 'cause I was sat like that.

So the fireball went round me.

The guy next to me, though?
Decapitated.

It's his own fault, really.
He had the tray table down.

What was he hoping for?

No, no, at 3,000 miles from land.
Right in the middle of the Pacific, yeah.

No, they found me straight away,
about ten minutes.

How?"

Has anyone ever made
the right amount of pasta?

That's my little toe in the water
of observational comedy.

I'm not really sure if it's for me.

Obviously, if I was any good
at observational comedy, you know,

I'd probably get
five minutes of fun out of that.

You're on your own.

Is anyone here gluten-free?

You're gluten-free? Fun fact for you.
It is possible to be gluten-free

and shut the fuck up.

No one cares.

I don't like spending too much
time with my girlfriend's family

because her husband is getting suspicious.

My girlfriend was in the park doing
one of those "race for life" things.

When I say "race for life",
she was fleeing a rapist.

It's how we met.

I tend not to get heckled
that much any more.

I used to get heckled a lot.

-I kind of--

That was properly Tourette's-y.
Well played.

People with Tourette's,
what makes them tick?

But genuinely, I like it when
people join in at shows.

I got the best heckle
of my career last year,

at someone else's show.

I went to see another comedian
up in Edinburgh, my friend Nick Helm,

and I got heckled at his show.

That is not what should happen.
That is what happened.

And I was sat at the back.
It's about 200 people in the room.

I was sat at the back,
trying to stifle my laugh.

I've got a weird laugh.
I laugh on an in, not an out.

So instead of going "ha, ha",
like a normal human might, I go...

It's weird, right?

It's a weird,
honking goose of a laugh.

But if I know I'm gonna be laughing,

and I knew I was gonna be
laughing at my friend's show.

So I was sat at the back,
and I was kind of repressing my laugh.

I was... Closed mouth, and sort of
keeping it locked down. I was...

It sounded like someone
had smuggled in an owl.

But there I was for the first 20 minutes,
just sat at the back very quietly...

About 20 minutes into the show,
he did a song on stage,

and I found it hilarious.

I had a proper, full-on laughing fit.

Like proper...

It sounded fucking mental.

It sounded like a seal getting
finger-blasted, is what it sounded like.

And Nick just stopped the show...

and went, "All right, Jimmy?

I don't laugh when
I come to see your shows."

Well, with that in mind, why don't we
have a proper heckle amnesty.

If you would like to have a heckle,
this would be the ideal time.

-Not--
-Wanker!

You look like you fucked a pig!

I look like I fucked a pig?

Do I still owe your mum money?
Is she annoyed, is she?

There you go.

Sorry, ma'am,
I haven't got any coins on me.

-My partner thinks you're too crude.
-Your partner thinks I'm too crude?

So she's been brought along
to the show and it's not really for her?

Are you going to make it up to her
somehow later on?

Yeah.

Maybe pop a thumb in her ass
while you're fucking her?

Madam, you can't sink down
any lower in that seat.

That is as low...
That's as low as that...

When does the comedy start?

When does the comedy start?

-It's a classic.

It's a classic heckle, right?
What's your name, sir?

Rack!

Like shoe rack?
You're called Rack?

Where are you, Rack,
up there or down there?

Loving your work, Rack.
It's one of those things.

If you don't think
the comedy's started, you're right.

And if you think
the comedy has started, you're right.

'Cause it's a very individual thing,
isn't it?

And if the show's not for you,
it's not for you.

I feel bad if you paid all this
money to come and see me,

and you don't think it's funny.

You've had a disaster.

But I suppose, Rack,
you have learnt a valuable lesson.

You've learned life's not fair.

You pays your money,
you takes your chance,

sometimes it's a good show,
sometimes it's not for you.

But I'll give you another example, Rack,

so you haven't had a wasted evening.
At least you've learned something.

Another example of how unfair,
Rack, our society is.

Let's say, if a man...

You or I, sir, let's say, if a man sleeps
with loads and loads of women.

What is he? He's a stud, he's a player,
he's admired in our society.

That isn't an opinion,
that's fact.

If a guy sleeps with loads of women,
he's a player, he's a stud, he's admired.

But if a woman sleeps with
loads and loads of men,

she's called Rack's mum.

I'm fairly...

It's all right for me to say that 'cause
Rack's mum's not gonna be here, is she?

Saturday night?
You're having a laugh.

It's her busiest evening.

She does a special two for one.

This sort of stage on a Saturday night,

I imagine Rack's mum looks
like a plasterer's radio.

What was that, Rack?

Your face
is like a 42-inch widescreen TV!

My face is like
a 42-inch widescreen... TV?

In that...

-It's very wide!
-It's very wide?

Okay.

Um, I've just...

I've just said that
your mum's a prostitute.

And...

And you just said,
"Your face is wide."

I don't...

Rack, I don't... I'm not sure
if you know how this works.

I'll tell you why it's wide as well.

All that, it's... It...

Aw, bless him. Um...

Any other heckles?
Should we do one more?

How about a heckle not involving
mothers, girlfriends, or sex?

A heckle not involving
girlfriends, mothers, or sex.

Well, where are you from, sir?
Let's do one.

Canada!

You're from Canada?

So you're an American,
but you're not armed.

Ah...

Aw, well, Canadians are always...

Whenever I meet a Canadian,
they always explain to me,

"No, I'm not an American."

I get the same thing with New Zealand

and Australian people, they sort of go,

"No, I'm not Australian.
I'm actually from New Zealand."

I think they're mistaking me
for someone who gives a fuck.

Are there any Australians in?

Well, welcome back.

You've paid your debt,
you've returned to the scene of the crime.

Someone over there.
Hello.

Who the fuck is that?
Hello, who?

The
Shining?

Steadicam, I love... Fucking hell.
Look how my ego's gotten out of control.

Who... Are you filming him?

I mean, I don't want
to be a dick about it,

but I feel like
the action's really up here.

You're just filming a fat dude
in the second row. Okay, fine.

Oh!

What do you mean, "Oh"?

He's got a mirror in his house.
He fucking knows.

He's all right.

-So...
-Oi, you posh twat!

Oh!

Well, a fun fact for you.

Your girlfriend's got two cunts.

She's sat next to one of them, isn't she?

I'm sorry.
I called you a cunt there.

I'm terribly sorry.

I'm sure you don't have the depth
or the capacity to give pleasure.

I went to a proper showbiz party recently,
and Brad Pitt was there.

And they say,
"Never meet your heroes",

but I think Brad handled it really well.

A lot of people think
cooking your partner a meal

is the most romantic
gesture you could make.

The least romantic gesture,
if you're interested, is this.

On my birthday...
I'm a very lucky man.

On my birthday, my girlfriend
likes to wake me up with oral sex.

Last year, I nearly suffocated.

No, last year, on my birthday,
my girlfriend gave me the bumps,

or as they're more commonly known,
genital warts.

You can tell a lot about a woman
from looking at her shoes.

For example, if they're
behind her ears, she likes you.

When a man changes his status on Facebook
from "single" to "in a relationship",

I think it should say,
"under new management".

Now, some couples...
Are there couples in?

Give a shout,
all the couples in the room.

-Loads of...
-Whoo!

Sorry, mate.
That's sort of rubbing it in, isn't it?

There are some couples who are very
free and easy with their bodily functions.

They don't mind their partner
being in the bathroom

while they're taking
nature's call of a morning.

Their partner could be
brushing their teeth

while they're taking care of business.

I think we all know what I'm saying.

And there's a name for those people.
They're called...

fucking animals.

You disgust us.

I've got some advice
for the men in the room.

Okay, I'm gonna keep this simple 'cause
men are inherently simple creatures.

Gentlemen, I'll just say it.
Gentlemen, never say "fanny fart".

It's a good example
of your Joke Tourette's.

Not everything in life
needs to be a little joke.

Actually, a lot of ladies are very
self-conscious when they do a muff puff.

The last thing they want is you making
a joke about their massive cunt grunt.

Embarrassing Bodies?

-Yes!
-It's a fabulous piece of television.

Embarrassing Bodies?

So, we play a game in our house.

Embarrassing Bodies

with their medical problems
before seeing the doctor,

we pause the TV and try and guess
what is up with that.

So this girl, this 18-year-old girl,
pretty little thing,

Embarrassing Bodies

We pause the TV and try
and guess what the problem might be.

We could've been there all week,
we wouldn't have got it.

She was having surgery on her nuni.

On her vajayjay, her twinkle cave.

Her peachy pocket.
And the thing was,

there was nothing
the matter with her cunt.

Perfectly healthy piece of equipment.
She was having, get this,

cosmetic surgery on her vagina.

And me and my girlfriend paused the TV.

We went, "Well, the world's gone mad."

That isn't a medical problem.
That's a psychological problem.

If anything, that's a societal problem.

That a girl's self-esteem
could be that low at that tender age

that she feels she needs
to go under the knife

in order to live up to
some idealised version

of what she thinks her genitals
should look like

'cause she's seen something online.

That's crazy.
That's body dysmorphia.

And they shouldn't be facilitating
that kind of madness

on what is normally
a very socially responsible show.

-Yeah!
-Yeah.

So we unpaused the TV,
and as soon as we...

It's a very visceral programme.

So they cut back to a close-up of her most
intimate lady garden, bathing suit area.

And both me and my girlfriend agreed.
We both said,

"Well, that needs fucking fixing!

It's like a badly packed kebab.

Who has garlic mayo and chilli sauce?
What the fuck?"

I thought I'd never seen one
I didn't like.

She had a fanny like a kicked-over trifle!

Apologies to any ladies in with...

fannies like kicked-over trifles.

It's quite rough from here on in, people.

Strap in!

Are there doctors in?
I know there's nurses.

Are there doctors and nurses?
Give us a shout, all of you.

-Quite a few of you around.

The thing that impresses me about doctors
is not what should impress me.

It's not the fact that
they can save lives.

That's what should impress me. No.

What impresses me about doctors
is their ability not to recoil in terror.

Doctors look at stuff every day.
They look at stuff and they go,

"Oh, that's a bit...
It's a bit whiffy.

It's a little bit gamey.

Oh, oh... I can...
I can smell that in my eyes.

We're gonna try and help you with that."

Ooh...

Whereas you or I would go,

"Why the fuck are you
showing me that, you monster?

Throw yourself off something!"

I asked a doctor recently,
I got chatting to this doctor.

I said, "What's the thing that's
made you want to recoil

in terror the most in all your
years of doctoring?" Right?

And I thought he'd have to think about it.

Straightaway, he came back.
He went, "A 95-year-old vagina."

I said, "I've seen one of those.

It was on a 30-year-old Scouse girl."

It's not the years,
it's the mileage, innit?

Oh, if you're watching this in America,
for "Scouse girl", read "New Jersey".

I've got a question for everyone in here.
Who here has had bad sex?

Who's not saying 'cause they're with
the person they had the bad sex with?

Have you ever had a girl cry during sex?
That's a weird thing.

I suppose women are more emotionally
engaged with their physical being.

That or the balaclava scared her.

Should we talk about
the weird shit people do sexually?

-Yes!
-Correct. We shall.

My ex-girlfriend used to like
to be choked during sex.

I'm 90% sure.

We only tried it once.

If anything, I was too good at it.

Have you all heard of the donkey punch?

Yeah!

The donkey punch
is where you're having the fun,

Greek-style bum sex
anal action with a lady, yeah?

And just as you're about to finish,
nut, ejaculate, come, we're all clear.

Just as you're about to...

You, um... You punch her
in the back of the head. Now...

Now I know that sounds
cray-cray in a bad way,

but hear me out.

Any medical professional will tell you,

when you punch someone
in the back of the head,

all the sphincters of the body,
of which your bum is one,

all the sphincters are on lockdown.
They all go, "Whoa!

The fuck was that? Whoa!"

It's like a submarine
locking off compartments. "Whoa!

No one in, no one out.
What the fuck? Whoa!"

That "whoa" is a very fun way
to end proceedings.

Now obviously, you don't have to punch
your partner in the back of the head

to get that kind of result.

How long have you guys been together?
Five years?

So, a long-term, loving relationship.
Congratulations, guys.

So, sir, just turn,
look your partner in the eyes and say,

"Look, later on,
when I'm fucking you in the ass,

would you mind clenching
the sphincter of your anus

just as I'm about to ejaculate?"

Just have that conversation now. Just...

Away you go.

You're right not to, sir.
You're 100% right not to. It's...

Even after five years in a loving
relationship with a beautiful woman,

it's still too awkward a conversation.

Take your chances.

I don't know much about women,
but I know this.

It's easier to get forgiveness
than permission.

The seagull?
You all heard of the seagull?

It starts well and ends horrifically.

There's a pattern emerging here,
I'm sure you realise.

So this is where you're making love
to a lady on the beach, yeah?

So everyone's melted away
at the end of a lovely summer's day.

And you find yourself under
the moon and the stars on the beach.

So far, so good.

You decide to be spontaneous,
and make love to your partner. Fantastic.

The seagull is where you whip it out,
pop it in the sand,

and then stick it back in.

I know!

It's called the seagull
because she goes...

Have I missed any? What other
kind of craziness have we heard of?

-What? Was that "angry pirate"?
-Yeah.

Angry pirate. Well, that's...

Okay, that's when a lady's
going down on you, and you decide,

"I'm not having enough fun.
I need more fun in my life."

So just as you're about to finish,
you pull out and come in her eye.

Not eyes. Eye.

Singular. It's like a trick shot.

And then as she gets up
to deal with that situation.

"What's going on there?"
You then kick her in the shin.

And what you're hoping for is the,
"Ar, ar, ar..."

of the angry pirate.

What other sexual weirdness
have we heard of?

Spider-Man!

The Spider-Man is a thing.
So, that's fairly vanilla.

That's when you're behind a lady.

That's key to the operation.
You're behind the lady,

and you're working your magic.

And then you... She's facing that way.
That's key.

You pull out, catch.

Women are inquisitive creatures.
She'll want to know

what's going on.
"What's happening back there?"

"Spider-Man!"

There's a Spider-Man,
there's also a Superman.

The Superman's where you come
across a lady's shoulder blades,

grab a sheet, pop that down.

And then you're hoping
when she gets up, she has a cape.

So, there's Spider-Man, Superman.
There's also a Batman.

I was doing a show the other night,
and a bloke went, "Batman!"

I said, "What's the Batman?"
He went, "Kill her parents."

Teenage boys masturbate a lot.
Nothing to be ashamed of.

When I was a teenage boy,
I had a sock called the Dream Catcher.

We're all familiar with
the danger wank, yes?

Very much the preserve of the teenage boy.

It's where you've taken matters
into your own hands.

Some hand-to-gland combat.

You're knocking one out,
having a wank.

But you don't just want
the sexual gratification,

you also want a frisson of excitement.

Some adrenaline pumping
through your veins.

So mid-wank,
you call for someone in the house

you do not have
a sexual relationship with,

and then try and finish
said wank before they arrive.

The classic, of course, "Mum! Mum!"

And then try and...
I mean, obviously, it could end in tears.

You could end up glazing
your mum like a doughnut.

Shall I just leave the phrase

"glazing your mum like a doughnut"
hanging in the air?

I've looked at so much Internet porn,
the virus my computer has is HIV.

We had a proper, serious, grown-up
discussion about pornography recently,

and my girlfriend said, well,
some of you may share the sentiment.

She said, "I don't get porn.

Why would I want to watch
two people have sex?"

I said, "Two?

People?

Now you've lost me."

Has anyone here ever
looked at porn online?

Oh, really? About 15 people?

Well, what a statistical anomaly
you are, London.

So I was looking at some
gentlemen's special interest material

recently on the Internet,

and this ad popped up
for a penis-enlargement cream.

I thought, "Well, I'll read on.
I'm not buying a fucking Audi."

Um...

Basically it said, "Rub this cream
on your penis and it'll get bigger."

I thought, "Well, I'll stop you there.

Rub your penis without
the cream, it'll get bigger."

That is the nature of rubbing and penises.
They bloody love it!

Second thing, if this stuff
actually worked, wouldn't the guy

in the after photos in the advert
also have massive hands?

He did not.

I got in trouble for a joke last year.

Now, I don't mind getting
in trouble for a joke if it's worth it.

If it's, like, a really edgy joke.

I got in trouble
for a joke that's so mild.

I said, "Deafness is getting
to be quite a problem for me.

And I never thought
I'd hear myself say that."

We got, like, 50 letters of complaint from
the National Association of the Deaf.

And what I wanna know is,
who told them?

I said I was sorry.
Would they listen?

I got talking to a North African girl
in her native language for hours.

We just clicked.

Fucking anthropology jokes.
I've got it all.

I was gonna give you some advice,
ladies and gentlemen.

Little bit of advice.

If you get bitten by a dangerous dog,
like a Staffordshire bull terrier,

any dog whose jaw locks when it bites you,

what you're meant to do
is stick a finger...

How can I put this politely?

Up the ass.

Now, key thing I was not made aware of,

it's got to be the dog's ass.

Can't just be a passer-by
you like the look of.

Or your own.

Sharks.
Sharks are twice as likely,

twice as likely to bite a woman as a man.

So, gentlemen,
if you're swimming with a woman,

and you see a shark,
here's what you do.

You punch it as hard as you can
on the nose,

and you throw it towards the shark.

Here's some advice.
Women aren't meant to go camping

when they've got their period,

because what's the point in taking you
if you're not gonna fuck us?

It's a joke.

They're actually worried if you're
menstruating and you go camping,

you might attract a bear...

and then bite its fucking head off
for no good reason.

It's basic bear safety is what it is.
Basic bear safety.

That is, ladies and gentlemen,
pretty much my show.

Oh, there is a collection after the show.
It's not a charity thing.

It's not for my taxes.

We're actually raising money
for a sex change operation

for my brother. I don't want to go
into too much in the way of detail.

Suffice it to say,
it is the ultimate practical joke.

He's going to wake up
the day after his stag do,

with a terrible hangover and amazing tits.
It's gonna be huge.

Now, should we... It's that sort of
stage of the evening. It's late on, right?

-Should we try some rough stuff?
-Yeah!

If you drink or smoke during pregnancy,

you can lose the baby.

It's worth a shot
before you splash out on another abortion.

-Oh!

Don't give me the "oh".
I'm not made of coat hangers, am I?

That's divided the room, hasn't it?

There's people that thought that was funny
and then there are good people.

Um...

I get away with murder in jokes.

I think 'cause they're so clearly jokes.

Feed line, punch line, laugh.
Possibly a "ooh".

But it's so clearly a joke.
It's not an opinion.

I'm not trying to change
your mind about anything.

I'm just trying to make you laugh.

But actually,
my dirty secret is, sometimes,

when I'm at home writing jokes of a day,
I look back at what I've done,

and I'll just go, "Well, that isn't
transgressive, or taboo, or edgy.

That's just wrong.

That's just 100% wrong."

And then, another bit of me,
quite a big bit, goes,

"Yeah, funny though."

If we're gonna be fancy about it,
it's cognitive dissonance.

It's two opposing thoughts
in my head at the same time.

I think, "It's wrong. It's funny."

Is it okay to say something
that's 100% wrong if it's funny enough?

Yeah!

Well, you say that,
but it's not like 100% wrong

where you'll go,
"What are you like? Cheeky!"

You're much more likely to go "ugh".

-Shall we give it a go?
-Yeah!

Okay. If I was to say to you...

It's about language being boring,
if it's about anything.

If I was to say to you I was with a girl,
and she was really aroused.

Well, firstly, you might be surprised.

Secondly, bored.
That is a boring way of speaking.

"I was with a girl.
She was really aroused."

Boring.

But if I was to say to you,

"I was with a girl.
She was wetter than a spastic's chin!"

That's the only difficult thing
about doing comedy,

is to know where to draw the line, right?

It's difficult to know
where to draw the line.

I've got a friend of mine
whose father has Parkinson's.

And I was chatting to him and his father.

I was round at theirs, having tea,

and they asked, they said,

"Well, what can you joke about,
and what can't you joke about?

Would it be okay, for example,
to joke about Parkinson's?"

And I was like, "Mmm..."

It's quite funny when I say it.

When his father tried to retell
that joke to his mum... Ha!

I'd like to end the evening this evening

Charlie Hebdo.

I don't know if you're aware of them.

They have a satirical magazine
in France, and they tell jokes.

And because they tell jokes,

some people that couldn't take
a fucking joke shot them.

It's terrible.

I'd like to do a joke
in solidarity with those guys.

-For the end of the gig. Yeah.

Whenever I see footage of a mosque...

Can anyone else feel
a tension in the room?

Whenever I see footage of a mosque...

This one's also for you,
Andreas, the Christian.

I like to think of myself
as an equal opportunities offender.

I don't care who your imaginary friend is.

I think it's all pretty fucking risible.

Whenever I see footage of a mosque

on the news or in a documentary,
everyone bowing their heads to pray,

Guess Who?

And someone's just said,
"Does he have a beard?"

Listen, I've been Jimmy Carr.

Thank you very much indeed.
Cheers. Good night. Thank you.