All language subtitles for 1_family.guy.s23e12.1080p.web.h264-successfulcrab[EZTVx.to]_English

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Well,
it took 100 pounds of rice,

but you're almost done,
Jessica Chast-grain.

What's that? You want me
to run away with you?

But what about your husband,
Gian Luca Pasi de Preposulo?

[laughing] Yeah,
Italian names are stupid.

[loud barking]

Ah, damn it!
I'm gonna kill you, Brian!

Nice.

[barking loudly]

What the hell's going on
over here?

You've been barking all morning!

Yeah, you're welcome.
I'm protecting the neighborhood.

I heard from a dog,
who heard from a dog,

who heard from another dog

that he saw a pack of coyotes
on Spooner Street.

There are no coyotes
on Spooner Street.

And your barking is
driving me crazy, so just stop.

I can't! And trust me,
my bark is the only thing

keeping these predators at bay.

Because if there's one thing
that I will not allow

in this neighborhood,
it's predators.

Oh, hey, Mr. Herbert.
How you doing today?

Oh, you know me.

Easy peasy, youngsy boys-y.

Sweet, sweet old fella
right there.

Hey, can I talk to you guys
about Chris?

I'm really worried about him.

-What's wrong?
-Well, he needs
to lose weight.

And his blood pressure's
way too high.

I'm afraid he could end up
with serious medical issues.

I mean,
maybe even a wheelchair someday.

Hmm. If that were the case,
I wonder if there's people

on Craigslist you can hire
to make that burden go away.

I'm just not sure what's the
best way to get him healthier.

Maybe a guy named Tony Q?

I guess the first thing
I should do is get him

to lose some weight.

Maybe this guy Tony Q's
even cheaper than you'd expect.

[laughs]

Or maybe there's a sport
Chris could get involved in?

You know what?
That's a great idea!

After all,
sports are in his DNA.

Peter's great-grandfather
invented one.

I call it basketball, boys.

Now prepare to be dazzled

by the most thrilling move
in my game.

Chest pass!

Hey, that looks like fun.
Can I try?

No, no, no, no, no.
Just us for a while.

[knocking at door]

Good afternoon, sir.
I'm looking for a Brian Griffin.

Joe, you've known me for years.

Come on, I got to flop around
for, like, an hour

to get my uniform on,
so let me do the cop thing.

I received an anonymous
complaint about your barking.

It was me, Brian.
I was the anonymous complaint.

This here's a court order
that says

you have to wear a bark collar

until the complainant
is satisfied

you can obey
the local noise ordinance.

Joe, this is a flyer
for your one-man show.

Joe-comotive: The Laughs
Have Left the Station.

Wow, and only five bucks a tick?

I should investigate this next
'cause that is a steal.

Anyway, the collar's programmed
to give you a severe shock

if you raise your voice
above a certain decibel.

[beeps]

-You're wasting your time.
-[grunting]

That's a military-grade collar,
little trickle-down from Gitmo.

And don't bother trying
to cut it off.

You won't be able to.
It's Kevlar.

Same stuff Republicans want
our kids to wear to school.

[whistle blows]
Joe-comotive.

All that and more,
Friday afternoon

at the VFW parking lot.

Chris, your mother asked me
to get you involved in a sport

to help bring
your blood pressure down.

Now, you have

what we're no longer allowed
to call "imbecile strength,"

so the first sport we're going
to try is the shot put.

Just take
this cannonball thingy,

spin around
like a maniac a few times,

and heave it as far as you can.

Seems easy enough.

[grunting]

Oh, no! Your car!

Ha! Who's the pathetic loser

for not having a windshield
now, teens-outside-7-Eleven?

The student you're matched up
against today is Chris Griffin.

He's not much of an athlete,
so go easy on him.

I wonder where he is anyway.

By God, it's the Griffinator
from the top rope!

-Yah!
-[groans]

As a husky kid on the spectrum,

this is the only kind
of wrestling I'm into.

You don't have to explain
yourself to me, Chris.

As an adult
whose bath mat is newspapers,

I'm pretty into it, too.

Thanks for trying to help,
Principal Shepherd,

but I'm just not good
at anything.

And all that stuff
about carbo-loading is B.S.,

by the way.

I ate a whole pan of the
milky mac and cheese at lunch,

and it didn't help one bit.

-[stomach growling]
-Uh-oh.

Oh, I think
the carbs just loaded.

Where's the bathroom?

Uh, the closest one
is all the way across the field.

It's okay. This isn't my first
poop-trot rodeo.

I can clench and hustle.

♪

Chris is using his hips
to generate speed

without dilating his anus.

It's the perfect
racewalking form.

Oh, no, the door's locked.

And wow, just wow.

A natural speedwalker with form
unlike any I've ever seen.

What the hell happened
to us, Don?

Eight years ago we were calling
Major League Baseball,

and now we're hoping
a teenager will speedwalk by.

And I'll say the quiet part
out loud:

no one wants to hire
a white guy.

It's been a pleasure, Don.

You've been a life raft
and an anchor, other Don.

♪

So, are we all excited

for Chris's first racewalking
competition?

No, this is gonna be so boring.

Why couldn't Chris play a sport
that's actually interesting?

Oh, Meg, racewalking's
plenty interesting

if you know
the first thing about it.

There's rules
about heel and toe placement

as well as leg straightness,

so keep an eye out for the
judge's yellow and red paddles.

Those indicate a warning
or disqualification.

Lois, we can see you
sneak-reading Wikipedia.

All right, since none of
you Gen Z snowflakes

can be trusted
around a starting pistol,

listen for the starting kazoo.

On your marks, get set, kazoo!

[quietly]
I, um, lost the actual kazoo.

[cheering]

You got this.

So it's really
just walking, huh?

God, by the time he's done,
I could foster another kid

and raise 'em
to play a better sport.

You know what?
That's what I'm gonna do.

This is Rebecca, my new ward.

I found her under the overpass
and said she could stay with us

till she gets back on her feet.

Is the race over yet?

Not even close.

Okay, I'm gonna go get this one
a tetanus shot.

I imagine she's quite overdue.

[snoring]

Rebecca's
my girlfriend now, Lois.

She's always felt
like more than a foster,

and we've decided
to explore those feelings.

We bought a condo in Tucson,
so I'll be moving out.

Look, here comes Chris!

♪

Winner!

-[cackles]
-Whoo, yeah!

-Great job, honey!
-Yay!

Go, Chris!

Welp, she left me, Lois.

I gave her an ultimatum:

it was me or her tattoo artist,

but our throuple wasn't healthy
for anybody.

She chose him rather quickly.

We sold the condo at a loss, and
she still has my credit cards.

All that's to say I'm ready to
rebuild what you and I once had.

You have to call the companies
and cancel those cards.

I know.

Hey, there he is.

Woof-ie Goldberg, eh?

Arf Vader. [chuckles]

Bark Ruffalo. [laughs]

Yip... Ah, yeah, I should've
stopped on that last one.

So, how you doing
with that thing?

I'm doing just fine, Stewie.

I am in total control
of my barking.

Well, that's good,
because the fat man

finally fixed
that broken doorbell,

and you know
that always gets your goat.

-[doorbell rings]
-[Peter] Is it working?

Did I do good?

[doorbell ringing repeatedly]

[barks] Ow, damn it!

[barks] Ow!

-[doorbell stops]
-[panting]

Oh, God, that was awful.

[Peter]
Oh, locked myself out.
Anybody in there?

-[doorbell rings]
-[barks]

[yells]

[Peter]
Oh, wait, I got a key.

Someone I know is home!

[barks] Ow!

Someone I know is home!

[barks] Ow!

Hey, honey, I was just telling
Bonnie and Donna

what a star you've become on
your new team, huh? [chuckles]

Hey, I got an idea.

Do you want to take
a stroll with us?

First off, don't call it
a stroll, it's insulting,

and a little heads-up:
if we do any photos,

you got to tape over
that Skechers logo.

I'm a Rockport athlete.

When your joints are
such a disaster,

even dress shoes need
air pocket technology,

it's Rockport.

This next hill
is really gonna test our mettle,

so why don't you ladies draft
off me until we get to the top?

Now, who remembers what to do
when we get to the intersection?

Walk in place like a lunatic

who's clearly using
this mild exercise

to keep their own demons at bay?

Why, Bonnie Swanson,
if I didn't know any better,

I'd swear I was racewalking
gold medalists Maurizio Damilano

or Ivano Brugnetti.

[chuckling]

Italian names are so stupid.

So, Brian,
what can I do for you?

Come here to beg to have
that collar removed?

Oh, this thing?

It's actually been
such a nonissue,

I forgot I was wearing it,

but since you brought it up,

I feel like my barking is
really under control now,

so we can have Joe take it off--

[shushes]

Do you hear that?

That's peace and quiet.

[inhales]

[exhales]

Wh-What-what was that?

D-Did you just smell
the silence?

Why, yes, I did, Brian.
Yes, I did.

Okay, fine, you were right.

I was being a loud,
annoying jerk, and I'm sorry.

Please have Joe take this off.

Why do you think I like cats
so much, Brian?

-1980s Fancy Feast ads?
-1980s Fancy Feast ads,

but what I really love about
cats is how quiet they are.

They don't bark, they purr.

Okay, so what's your point?

I want to hear you purr.

I-I can't. I won't.

Say, how do you think
a squirrel feeder

would look in my front yard?

R-Right there, right there,
in full view of your house.

[sighs]
Okay, fine.

Purr.

[laughs] Oh, you can do
better than that.

Ugh, all right.

[purrs]

There. Now will you call Joe?

What do you think,
Miss Kitty-Witty?

Was that a good purr?

-[hisses]
-[barking]

-Ow!
-Sorry, Brian, she says no.

And when a woman says no
in this house,

it means no,
as of March 5, 2018.

♪

[snoring]

[beeps]

What the hell? [shouts]

Ha, ha. [shouts]

Ha, ha.
[shouts]

♪

[doorbell rings]

Wow, what are you ladies
doing here?

We-we didn't have
a walk planned today.

Oh, we're here for Chris.

What?

Chris, when'd you make plans
with Bonnie and Donna?

It was on the group text.

-Well, I-I didn't see
a group text.
-Oh.

Well, give me a sec,
I'll grab my shoes.

Actually, Lois, today
we're going to Three-Wide Park.

You know, that park
where the trails

are only three people wide?

But you said your fibromyalgia
is acting up, anyway.

Yeah, but I don't actually
have fibromyalgia. Nobody does.

You just say that to get out
of stuff you don't want to do.

Wh... Couldn't we just walk,
you know, two and two?

Officer Threewide didn't die
in a tragic freeway accident

so we could dishonor his memory.

Did you see that, Peter?

Chris just went out for
the afternoon with my friends,

and not one of them
thought to include me.

Ugh, so brutal.

Hey, what do you say we go
upstairs and I cheer you up?

Oh, honey, I would, but my
fibromyalgia's on fire today.

Oh, dear, never mind.

There's commercials for that,
so I know it's real.

Sorry I'm late.
Me, Bon, and Don--

that's Bonnie and Donna--
were in the zone

on this morning's walk.

Oh, is that right?

-Oh.
-What "oh"?

Oh, nothing,
it's just me, 'Nie, and 'Na--

that's also Bonnie and Donna--
we're doing a vegan challenge.

[phone chimes]

"Excuse me, sir?

Would you like some breakfast
with your cholesterol?"

Chris, what the hell is this?

[chuckles]
Uh, sorry. Wrong-wrong chat.

You know, I got to say,
I'm not crazy

about all this time you're
spending with Bonnie and Donna.

What? Why? I like them.

Because they're my middle-aged,
female friends,

and lately, it's like
they enjoy hanging out

with my teenage son
more than me.

It's inappropriate.

We only started getting along

'cause they like
how I'm good at walking,

which you told me to get into.

I know, I know,
and I'm happy you're healthier,

but now you, Bonnie and Donna
are doing things without me,

and texting about
the food I make.

What?

[chuckles]
We don't do that.

-[camera shutter clicks]
-Hey, how do you spell
"uncoagulated"?

Like, like, if something
wasn't cooked nearly enough?

♪

Where the hell is Brian Griffin?

Sorry, Quagmire,
I didn't catch that.

Could you speak up?

No, I can't,
because if I raise my voice,

I get freaking electrocuted.

I have never been so furious.

Take this off right now.

No way.
This is payback, you dick.

I swear to God,
I will choke you out

with your own tail.

Yeah, I'd like to see you try,
you sad, lonely douche.

[sighs]

Where'd you get
one of these things, anyway?

Eh, Joe leaves
his cruiser unlocked.

It was on the front seat.

Hey, that's not cool, Brian.

Those collars
aren't easy to replace.

Unlike Congressional seats,

you can't just go out
and buy one.

-[train whistle blows]
-Joe-comotive, next stop:
good times.

Now available
for all private events.

♪

[laughter]

A café gaggle without me?

Well, you know what I might do--

and I think
I'm getting this right--

I might just take
the morning-way-after pill,

and then, poof, he's gone.

Oh, hey, fam.

Oh, God, there's my mom.

Wait, but if she's here,

then who's at home
doing the nothing all day?

[laughter]

Chris, you're terrible.

So, what are we dishing about?

Janet's husband...

-I love him.
-...hit her.

You're kind of painted
into a corner now, Mom.

I-Is this chair being used?

Yes. For Donna's purse.

Oh, Kate Spade.

You know she killed herself,
right?

-[gasping]
-Well, geez, Mom.

What exactly do you think passes

as acceptable
brunch conversation?

It's lady talk, Chris,
you don't get it.

Oh, speaking of,
I know we said no more presents

after we all got taken in that
gifting table Ponzi scheme,

but I could not help myself.

I got tickets
to Magic Mike Live.

-[gasps]
-Oh, sorry, Chris,

you... I didn't get one for you
because I just assumed,

you know,
it wasn't exactly up your alley.

Well, you assumed right.

The Quahog production
is family-friendly.

They only do the parts where
Magic Mike works odd jobs

to secure a business loan
for furniture making.

Oh.

Uh, say, I was about
to get a latte.

Uh, who wants one? My treat.

Actually, we were just leaving.

We're going to Mount Quahog
so Chris can show us

how to walk while taking
a business call on AirPods.

If you're not at a volume
that ruins nature

for everyone else,
you're doing it wrong.

Okay, enough.
I am sick of you two

being so enamored
with my dope son.

Ever since he joined
that stupid team,

he's prancing around
like some sort of fitness guru,

and you two eat it up
with a spoon.

Well, I'm gonna prove Chris
is the same little turd

he was a week ago
by beating him in a race walk

and setting all of this
back to the way it was.

Hey, that's a Kate Spade bag.

You know she killed herself,
right?

Stop it.

See? They get it.

♪

I hope that extra-strength
trash bag commercial

was exaggerating what happens
if you use the leading brand.

Aw, they weren't exaggerating.

Look at this:
covered in rabbit stew.

[sighs]
The curse of cooking for one

is always the leftovers
for many.

[snarling]

Oh, my God, coyotes.
Brian was right.

Listen to me. "Brian was right."

I bet hell just froze over.

[exhales]
It's freezing in here.

You were just hot
two seconds ago.

Well, now I'm cold.

-[doorbell rings]
-Who's that?

You knew my sister was coming.

[both scream]

[announcer]
Hell: her sister's here, too.

♪

Help. Help.

[distant]
Help.

Somebody's in trouble
at Quagmire's.

["Axel F" playing discordantly]

And somebody's having
a really hard time

with "Axel F" on the keyboard.

♪

[Joe in distance]
It's quite a mountain to climb,

but, oh, what a view.

♪

[snarls]

[Brian]
Hey. Back off.

♪

Brian, what are you doing?
Get out of here

or they'll tear us both apart.

Don't worry, Quagmire,
I know what I'm doing.

[snarling]

[yells]

[yells]

[screaming]

[screams]

[coyotes whimpering]

Brian, you saved my life.

But why? I-I've been
a total dick all week.

Because... I'm a dog,

and it's my duty
to protect this neighborhood.

We might hate each other,

but as long as you live
next door,

you'll always be safe,
on Spooner Street.

They got me, Daddy!

Take the extra Slim Jims
out of your socks, Junior!

Take the Slim Jims
out of your socks!

♪

Okay, so we're all clear
on the rules?

-No running?
-No running, yeah.

Okay, on your marks, get set,

-kazoo!
-[cheering]

[Christopher Walken]
Hello, I'm Oscar-winning actr

and often-impersonated
Christopher Walken,

here to announce
this walking race.

Am I really him?
I'm not even sure anymore.

Strangers come up to me
doing better mes than me,

and I say, "Hey, that's me,"

but invariably,
I learn it is not me.

I'm me, I think.

Look at them hoofing it
through the streets of Q'hog.

That's some mighty fine walkin',
and I should know.

Pause for laughter.

And look out up ahead,

because there's
a patch of wet cement

that has been freshly smoothed

by a very satisfied
ethnic worker.

"Oh, come on," says the man,

slamming his trowel
into the wet cement,

further damaging it.

♪

[shouts, grunting]

[Walken]
Oh, no, he's injured
his hamstring.

Dramatic music.

♪

Congratulations, Mom.

-You beat me fair and square.
-[Walken] Said Chris.

No, Mr. Walken,
w-we're-we're done with you.

Christopher, you lost
on purpose, didn't you? Why?

Because I want you
to win this race, Mom.

You looked out for me by
getting me involved in sports,

now I'm looking out for you.

You need Bonnie and Donna
more than I do.

Aw, thank you, Chris.

Also, adult female friends
swap nudes

way less than I was
led to believe.

Like, basically never.

And that was not
an insignificant part

of my involvement
in this charade.

I just wanted to tell you
again, Chris,

I really appreciate what you did
for me with Bonnie and Donna.

It's all right, Mom.

Once I realized that being
in a woman friendship

didn't involve the sending
back and forth of nudes,

I was kind of over it.

Yeah, yeah,
you mentioned that before.

Well, that's how important
it is to me.