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♪
WOMAN: At the tone,
the time will be...

KEITH OLBERMANN:
From the Warner Theatre...

[Audience cheering]

in Washington,

it's "Bill Maher,
Live from D.C."

[Applause]

And hello again, everyone.
I'm Keith Olbermann,

reporting live from
up here in the balcony.

And I am Michael Moore.
Welcome, everyone.

Moments ago--
How's it going?

Moments ago, Bill Maher
finished the first part

of this marathon,

his first part
of his Lollapalooza here

with the completion
of the first part

of the two-hour live,
live extravaganza, Michael.

Yes, and we're going
to follow Bill for

the next 5 minutes,
hopefully only
5 minutes.

He's over
in Chinatown,
across town here,

and he's getting
in his dressing room
right now.

He's going
to change clothes,

getting into some
more casual clothes
for his standup.

Has he gone into
the room yet there?
The door is closed.

Bill is in there
right now.

The door is--
Bill is in there.

He's in there
right now.

The door is
always closed, I know,

from Bill's rules.

Well, having been on
the show a few times,

I can tell you what he's
doing right now.

Well, tell me what he's
doing right now, Michael.

He's lathering

and then rinsing
and then repeating,

and then lathering
and rinsing

and repeating again.

He is a very clean
individual.

What part of the body
are you talking about,
Michael?

Well, his--well, listen,
all I can hope for is

that there's
a surveillance camera
in there, so that we can

turn the tape over
to Commissioner Goodell
after the show.

[Cheering and applause]

Or not,
as the case may be.

The moments of preparation
that are going into it--

we're seeing something
unprecedented

in comedy tonight,
Michael. We're seeing
a man trying to be funny

for an hour in one theater,
and then stopping the funny,

then getting into a car
with a motorcade,

going through Washington,
and then trying to resume
being funny later on.

This has not been
attempted, we believe,

since, uh, what was it?

It was
Archduke Ferdinand...

in Sarajevo in 1932.
Yes, yeah.

And then repeated again
for 8 years during

the George W. Bush
administration
here, so...

You know, he's still
in the room. Keith,
he's still in the room.

I don't know what's
going on there.

What is the penalty
for delay--oh,
here we comes!

And he's out of the room.
Here he comes out.

He's all dressed.
He's ready to go.
He's on his way!

He's on his way to
the Warner Theatre here!

All right. Look at him!
Man, and he is fit!
Look at that man go.

And they're not
gonna get him--

Wait, wait, Keith.
I think he got dressed
a little too quickly.

It does not look
like Bill is wearing
his protective cup.

[Audience laughter]

Well, I hope nobody
was looking for that,
by the way, Michael.

But he's off.
Here comes the motorcade.

That's right, more--
Look at this!

He's got
a police--he's got
a police escort!

Look at this!
How does--

You know,
normal politicians
of this town,

they have to just
settle for, like,
regular escorts.

Mm-hmm.
This guy has got
a police escort.

Clearly, the million
dollars he gave

to Barack Obama has
paid off here tonight.

Nobody should travel
through Washington,
D.C., this fast.

Look at this.

This is, once again,
your tax dollars in action.

[Laughter]

This is just amazing.
Wait a minute.

Are those real cops
or are those actors
that have been hired?

I think I see an HBO logo
where it should say "Police."

Yeah. Heh!

Well, they are the same
thing in this jurisdiction,

HBO and the police
department.

They're coming up to
the National Gallery

there, folks, if you
know Washington, D.C.,

the beautiful
National Gallery

with all of our
fine art works.

[Applause]

The route--we should
mention this, Michael--

they're headed down
towards this, uh,

what's it called again?
Pennsylvania...

He's gonna go to--yeah,
they're on Pennsylvania
Avenue right now.

There will be
a turn there.
Yes.

I think he's
going to go right;
if he goes left,

we're going to have
about an hour
and a half to fill.

[Laughter]

I just got word from
the control room

that Haley Barbour
has just killed a man

backstage just
to watch him die.

[Laughter]

We cannot confirm this
yet, but, uh,

but actually,
before the show,
we did see--

the people didn't
see this on the air--

but Nancy Pelosi
was tackled by
Jerry Seinfeld.

Yeah.

It was pretty gruesome.

Well, to get back
to what we see--

Oh, here we go now.
Here they come.

There's the Capitol!
That's it.

I know that building.
It's open.

They, uh, they don't--
they only have the--

That's the wax
museum, right?
They never close down.

The...the turn
they made--

There's a Popeyes
there now.

They got a Popeyes
in the basement.

They want past the new--

how would you know
about the--

they went past the--
how would we know?

They went past the Newseum,
which, of course, is

the newest monument
in Washington to--

back in that time
when we used to have news.

Yes, I remember that.

That, uh, they're
on their way.

Here they come now.

Now, they're on
Pennsylvania Avenue,

actually heading
toward the White House,
which--we're down near

the White House,
and by the way, Keith,

this is the 200th
anniversary this month

of the British
burning down
the White House.

Little-known fact--

they asked their
Canadian regiment
of the British Army

to do the burning
of the White House.

The Canadians,
being, of course, great
comedians forever--

true story--they went
across the Potomac
into Virginia,

freed some slaves,
and asked them
if they would like

to do the honors
of striking the match,

and that's exactly
what happened.

And now we've lost
the signal--there we go.

Now we're back.
We're back on.

Oh, there he is.
There's Bill.
Where?

Where is he?
Oh, well--he may be

on one of the motorcycles.
What is he--

They're going by the
FBI Building right now.

The J. Edgar Hoover.
Oh, dear.

Wait a minute.
Oh, no, wait a minute.

Oh, no!
What's going on
in the street?

There's a Boy Scout
helping an old lady
across the street!

Oh, no! We've got to get
this show started!

They've stopped
the motorcade!

The motorcade is stopped.
The old lady seems
to be terrified.

What is she ter--
she sees some smoke
coming out of a crack

in the window
from the back seat.

Tell her not to worry.

All right,
we're going to--

I don't know what we're
going to do about this.
What's our plan here?

Have you ever done
standup before?
No. I--I've--

This is--we're live
right now on HBO.

And this is--
Wait, wait, wait!

The car is opening.
Oh, no!

Bill is run--
he's left the car!

He's left the car
and is running to
the Warner Theatre!

Look at this man go!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

The humanity!

Look at--look at this!
Where'd he go?

We've lost him!
Michael--

Here he is!
Bill Maher has gone rogue.

We're gonna have
to do the show, Keith.

We've lost--
wait a minute.
There he is.

There, way in the back.
See him, everybody?

Here he comes!
There he is.

Look at him go.
[Cheering and applause]

Look at the power
in those thighs.

Would you say
he's a bantamweight
or a featherweight?

Actually, kind of a cross,
kind of a half-bantam, half--

sort of a phantomweight,
I would say.

Look at--man,
this guy can run.

He can move.
Oh, he's coming in!

He's getting ready to
come in the building here.

Oh, my God.
Well--

Wait a minute! Are we
in trouble if ISIS is
watching this?

[Laughter]

You know, actually,
Bill used to date
a woman named Isis,

but we won't go
into that.
Well, yeah.

All right, everyone,
here he comes!

Here he comes,
ladies and gentlemen!

Oh, my God!
Take it over, Keith!

[Cheering and applause]

KEITH:
The final powdering.

The insertion of some
extra-funny funny words

that he's been using
exclusively, like "boobs."

MICHAEL: Look at this.

BILL: There's water
up there, right?
Yeah.

KEITH: A little water.
MICHAEL: They're
talking to him.

BILL: OK.
They're going to have
to cut his eye.

Giving him
the microphone.

The moment is
nearly here, Michael.

♪
WOMAN: At the tone...

MICHAEL: Here we go!

KEITH: Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome Bill Maher!

[Cheering and applause]

♪

Thank you.

Thank you.

Ay, ay, ay.

That was a...

[Cheering and applause]

Thank you very much.

There was an old lady
and a Boy Scout

in the middle of the street.

I had to run 3 blocks
at breakneck speed.

Oh, thank God I'm white.

[Laughter]

Oh, but thank you. Heh!

Thank you for hanging out here.

[Cheering and applause]

Now it's your turn.

Are you all Washingtonians,

are you excited about what's
going on in this town?

AUDIENCE: No!
Really?

'cause what's going on
in this town? Nothing.

Now, in the country,
there's elections coming up.

Are you going to vote
in the midterm elections?

[Cheering and applause]

Really? Wow.

See, the problem--
[Person yells]

What's that? The problem is
that the liberal base,

you know, doesn't show up
for the midterms.

Well, maybe you do.

[Laughter]

But mostly they don't,
you know.

Each party has their base.
You know this.

Liberals have women;

minorities, younger people.

Conservatives have, uh--
[Person yells]

uh...

[Laughter]

People who make sighing
noises when they get up.

That's who they have.

People buying gold
from Glenn Beck. That's...

Heh heh!
The Rascal scooter crowd.

Here's a sad fact
about America.

Do you know that most people
who have Rascal scooters

do not need them?

They just hit 60 and went,

"Fuck it, I'm done walking."

It's true. Heh!

And, of course, the other
reason why it's going to be

tough for the Democrats
is 'cause, as usual,

the Democrats are running away

from something good
that they did.

[Person yells]
Now--let me finish.

[Laughter and applause]

I ran 3 blocks.
Let me do it.

[Cheering and applause]

[Bill chuckles]

No, they gave people
health care, which is
a good thing.

They should own it.

[Cheering and applause]

But Democrats always get
so intimidated

whenever Republicans act
like drama queens,

which, of course, is always.

Everything is always
the end of the universe.

They're always shitting
in their overalls that...

President Blackenstein
has done something...

outrageous and unpresiden--

"He's declared himself a king!"

Oh, for fuck's sake.

You know, he's using
executive action,

which every president
has done, of course,

but when he does it,
oh, my God, he's Dracula

crossed with Hitler
times lung cancer.

Ted Cruz, the patient zero

for the dysfunction
in this town.

[Cheering and applause]
I swear to God,

this year he said, uh,

"This year, Senate Democrats

"will be voting on
a constitutional amendment

to repeal the First Amendment."

[Laughter]
I know. Exactly.

Really, Ted, no one
would vote on such a thing,

but listening to you
talk, it is tempting.

Now, what is making
Right-wingers crazy these days

is that not only did America

elect a black president,

it went ahead and re-elected
a black president.

This is my little pet theory

about why they're crazy.

I mean, the first time,
they didn't like it,

but they were like,
"Well, everybody experiments."

[Chuckles]

Now they're like, "Oh, shit!

What if that once-you-go-black
thing is true?"

[Bill chuckles]

"What if it turns out
the coloreds is good

at presidentin'?"

And I think the coloreds
is good at presidenting. I do.

And I think I know why.
Because I think,

when you grow up black
in America,

you have to learn how
to be patient

with stupid white people.

[Cheering and applause]

And, folks,

that is a lot
of what government is,

no matter what color you are--

being patient
with stupid white people.

Do you ever see Obama
when he comes out of a meeting

with Mitch McConnell and...

John Boehner,

these mental giants
he has to work with?

And he always tries to put
a positive spin on it,

praises them whenever it's
at all appropriate,

he gently criticizes when it's
absolutely necessary.

It's like watching a really good
special-ed teacher.

It is.

[Applause]

Heh!

Things are so bad
politization-wise in this town.

Michelle Obama
this year came out--

I think just to test
the Republicans--

came out for drinking
more water...

just to see if they would
come out against water...

[Laughter]

and they did.

Predictably, they did.

I mean, we should
have seen this coming

because Michelle Obama's
First Lady project--

you know, in America,
we don't elect women leaders,

like 80 other
countries have done.

We have first ladies,
and we give 'em

a little First Lady project.

"What's your project,
First Lady?

"Beautify America.
Isn't that wonderful, folks?

"She's going
to beautify America.

"Thank you, First Lady.
That's terrific.

"What about you, Laura B--?

Oh, literacy."
Who could be against that?

And right in this--
[Person yells]

What?
Her husband!

[Laughter, cheering,
and applause]

Ha ha!

Right, I do this whole thing
in another show, but that's

what you explode
in applause for.

And we wonder why we have
a bad government.

Anyway...

um--heh heh!

No, I mean,
that's what we do.

We give the little project
to the First Lady because

we pat them on the head,
and Michelle Obama picked

getting the kids
in better shape, which is

right in this tradition,
not controversial.

Just saying, "Hey, kids,

"don't eat lard
for lunch every day and...

get a little more exercise."

Well, on the Right,
you would have thought

she farted in Jesus' face.

"Fuck you, black lady,
tellin' me how to raise my kids.

Fuck you. That's my freedom
right there you're..."

"I will raise a brood
of lethargic, poisoned blimps

if I want to."

"Those aren't our fat cells,
those are freedom cells, you..."

So it's freedom
that these kids...

but, you know...

But I'm telling you,
it's not logical with them.

What's blowing their minds is
that they got their ass kicked

twice!

[Cheering and applause]

Twice!

They were so upset about this

that after the last one,

they did an autopsy.

Their word.
I'm not being snarky.

That was their word--autopsy.

These are people who don't do
introspection a lot,

but their minds were blown.

They had to find out,
"How could we have lost twice

to Cedric the Entertainer?"

[Laughter]

Heh!

So they literally made a list
of things it could have been.

One was, "Maybe our ideas suck."

No. They got rid of that,
like, in an hour.

Before lunch,
they threw that one away.

"Are you kidding? Our ideas
are fuckin' awesome."

Who would not want to vote
for an agenda of protecting

insurance companies
from sick children...

thinking up new places
to take a gun...

and naming buildings
after Ronald Reagan?

I mean, if that's not
the perfect prescription--

OK, so it couldn't
have been that.

So they went to the second thing
it might have been--

"Maybe the last two times,

we had flawed candidates."

No. Oh, please.

Mitt Romney
and John McCain, flawed?

I think you're being way
too hard on yourself. I...

OK, first,
the world's oldest man...

[Laughter]

chooses the world's
stupidest woman.

[Laughter, cheering,
and applause]

And you're saying that's flawed?

And then, Mitt Romney?

I can't believe
I was so scared

that Mitt Romney was
going to be president

that a million dollars flew
right out of my pocket.

What? What the hell
happened that day?

[Cheering and applause]

But--heh heh!--
money well spent.

I'll tell you something,
Mitt Romney, if nothing else,

taught me about Republicans,
because here's the thing

you have to understand
about Republicans.

They're not logical.

It's all happening
in the gut with them.

It is. I mean, logically
they don't exist.

They're a crazy patchwork of

Jesus freaks and gun nuts

and generic,
obese suburbanites

and the super-rich, but...

but what they all have
in common is this belief

that life in America
was perfect

in Appleton, Wisconsin,
in 1958...

before there were gay marriage

or regulations or recycling

or certain types
of light bulbs you had to buy

or "Dora the Explorer" and...

and, you know, on that level,

Mitt Romney is
the perfect candidate.

That's the one thing
he's sincere about,

the one thing that's
authentic about him.

He is a 1950s sitcom dad.

All Mormons are.
They're all--

Even the women are
1950s sitcom dads.

Mitt Romney legitimately
eats meatloaf

and he tells knock-knock jokes

and he says "darn" and "dern"
when he's really pissed off,

and he fucks the same woman
quietly in the dark

decade after decade.

Why?

Because he loves freedom.

[Person yells]

OK, stop yelling out.
I promise what I have is better.

Stop.
[Cheering and applause]

People are watching
this at home.

Ha ha ha!

Now, these are the same people
who are always--you know,

it's always about the freedom
and "I want my country back."

"Country back"?

You know what, assholes?
I travel this country.

Almost every weekend.

I wish it had gone somewhere.

It hasn't.

I wish Obama had transformed it

with his magic Kenyan wand,
but it's still

the same Kentucky-fried place
it ever has been.

But I'm telling
you--drama queens,

you know, during one
of the Obama scandals,

one of the many scandals
that "A"--aren't scandals,

and "B"--Obama had about
as much to do with

as Michele Bachmann had to do
with mapping the human genome...

But...during the IRS scandal,

a Republican Congressman said,
"Is this still America?"

[Sighs dramatically]

Oh, it's always
a Mexican soap opera

with these people.

You know what? Yeah, I think
it is still America.

I think when the IRS looks
a little more into groups

with names like Fuck The IRS,

it's still America.

But they love to make these
assertions backed up by nothing.

They love to say,
for example,

"Obama is the most radical
president we've ever had."

'cause, you know,
they're the ones
who know history so well.

Michele Bachmann once said,
"Thank God for
the founding fathers,

who worked tirelessly
until they eradicated slavery."

I was at the Lincoln
Memorial today.

Nothing in there now.
Just it's...

Rick Perry could not place

the correct century

for the American Revolution.

He thought it happened
in the 1500s.

Rick...

sweetheart, come on.

1776.

There's a musical
by this name.

People sing it.

Mexicans know this date.
Children know this date.

Everybody knows, when Jesus sat
down to write the Constitution,

it was in 1776.

That's the year the British
stole the Wright brothers' plane

and flew it
into Uncle Tom's cabin.

We all know our history.

[Chuckles]

Not the 1500s. Fuck.

That's when Washington
crossed the Danube...

to blow up
that abortion clinic.

No. No, I made
that part up, but...

Sarah Palin...

[Audience groaning]

who's carrying my baby...

[Cheering and laughter]

Let me finish!

Sarah Palin once said
that Paul Revere made his ride

to warn the British--

she said this--

about the Second Amendment
11 years before it was written,

so I think when they say
he's the most radical president

we've ever had,
what they mean is

he's black, OK?

This is--this is the word

that sticks in their throat.

They are dying
to say it every minute!

"He's black!
Does nobody see this?!"

"There's a black family eating
off the White House china,

and nobody--"

But they can't say that,

so they're always

calling him a terrorist
or a communist

or an Afro-communist,
the loud tribesman,

and every euphemism.

Newt Gingrich always calls him
"the food stamp president."

Nothing racist there.
Wink, wink.

"I'm just saying that when
the first black president
became president,

"all he wanted to do was
walk through the ghetto,
passing out food stamps.

"I'm just say--nothing--
when he wasn't selling
crack, obviously,

or throwing dice
behind the Dumpster
at Popeyes chicken."

Those are the goals he had,
but nothing racist.

I mean, first of all,
can you imagine

taking moral advice
from Newt Gingrich?

A man who left his first wife
when she got cancer--

people know this--
left his second wife

when she got MS,
and they write about that.

But I think
the deeper question is,

how come, when
Newt Gingrich fucks you...

[Laughter]

you get very, very sick?

I think we should look
into that first.

[Cheering and applause]

So you know what?

They can deny all they want
that there's something
racial going on here,

but there is a kind of
"in your face" disrespect

for this president
I've never seen anywhere else.

Heckling him at
the State of the Union.
[Applause]

"You lie!"
Remember that guy?

The governor of Arizona sticking
her finger in his face,

Bill O'Reilly interrupting him
every two seconds.

People don't do that
to presidents.

There was a Republican
Congressman who said,

"I cannot stand to be in
the same room with him."

You know, they hated Clinton;
they didn't say that about him,

and his come was
on the furniture.

So I...

I think there's something
racial going on,

which is not to say
that liberals can't be stupid

about race, too, but
at least their stupidity

comes from niceness.

You know, they're
too sensitive.

I just say the word
"race," and I can feel

the sphincters tightening...

which is silly!

Like, if I say--
and I've said this before

and I've gotten booed--
that I think tattoos

look stupid on black people.

[Scattered applause]

Right. It's not racist.

I just can't make out
what it is.

I mean, "Is that a rose
or a baby's head on that?

I just can't..."

That's not racist,
and honestly,

I don't think tattoos
look good on anybody.

[Cheering and applause]
Especially...

especially the ones in writing.

Really?

You couldn't just
remember that?

"Only the strong survive."
Yeah, you know.

A Post-It note on
the refrigerator.

Is there anybody
walking around,

"Oh, I wish I could remember

what my philosophy of life is."

"Oh, yeah, that's right.

Thank you, arm!"
Ha ha ha!

"You really saved my ass!

"Say thank you to the ass.

"Oh, look, I got one
back there, too.

Oh, shit, it's in Chinese."

I can't wait for the people
who have the Chinese symbol
to someday get that translated:

"Enjoy the dog meat, whitey."
You know, that's what it
probably says.

But I tell you something,
of all the racists I think

in the Republican party,
you know who the worst one is?

Donald Trump.

Donald Trump.

Yes, and I'll tell you why.

[Cheering and applause]

Donald Trump sued me last year

for $5 million.

Do you know this?
Yes! 5--

And here's how this came about.

Donald Tru--heh heh!
Donald Trump.

Donald Trump thinks

[As Donald Trump]
we have a feud...

[Regular voice]
because he won't do my show.

As if I could give a fuck
if that moron did my show.

We have a feud because he became
a presidential candidate.

Now you're on my turf.

And not just
a presidential candidate,

a one-issue candidate--

all about how Obama was
illegitimate as a president.

Remember, he was sending
his investigators

[As Donald Trump]
to Hawaii...

who were finding
amazing things?

[Regular voice]
Yeah, like the price

of the Mai Tais
in the hotel bar

and, "What an idiot
our boss is

to send us here
on an expense account."

Amazing things.

Yeah, we're still waiting
for those results.

Anyway, so after Obama releases
his long-form birth certificate,

Trump goes to, "Well, now I want
to see his college records."

You know, 'cause a black guy
getting into college?

Something fishy
about that, all right?

So he offers the President of
the United States--

real class--$5 million

to release his college records,
so I offered Donald Trump--

yes, on the air--
$5 million

if he could prove that he
was not the love child

of his mother and
an orange-haired orangutan.

[Laughter, cheering,
and applause]

Wait. Heh heh heh! Not...

Not for no reason
because we showed with pictures

that there are
only two things in nature

that have that exact
same color hair--

Donald Trump
and an orange-haired orangutan.

[Laughter]

And this dummy
releases his birth certificate

and sues me
and goes to the press

and turns what was a one-night,
one-joke gag

into a three-month
national debate

over whether his mother
fucked an ape.

[Laughter]

He is not a bright man. So...

[Chuckles]

I am not going to say
another word about Donald Trump.

All right. I'm going to say one
more thing about Donald Trump.

No, no. One more thing.

But it's not even
really about him.

I'm just using him
to ask a moral question.

Are you ready
for a moral question?

[Applause]

You sound like a great crowd.

Are you ready
for a moral question?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Great. Here it is.

It's 1956.

You're in
the locker room at Penn State.

[Soft laughter]

You see a 10-year-old
Donald Trump walking

into the showers
with Jerry Sandusky.

Do you save Jerry?

A moral question,
ladies and gentlemen.

[Chuckles]

Now, look,
I tell you something,

I understand why
Donald Trump votes Republican.

I understand why anyone
in the top 1% of wage earners

votes Republican.

They represent you perfectly.

Anybody else
who votes Republican are

just one of corporate
America's useful idiots.

[Applause]

It's true.

I mean, we've seen the people
at the Tea Party rallies.

They're not wealthy.

How come their agenda is exactly
the same as the Koch brothers'?

How come in their mind
the problem with our economy is

not banks that
are too big to fail or CEOs

that make 500 times
what the average worker makes

or lobbyists who write the laws,
literally?

No, the problem with our economy
is poor people hoarding money.

[Laughter]

The takers!

If there's one thing
that drives Republicans nuts!

I mean, obviously, other
than the scourge of voter fraud.

Don't...don't get me started
on that.

But this other thing that drives
them nuts, it's the takers.

The 47%. Remember them?

The 47% of them
who don't pay any income taxes.

Just mooching
off the federal tit.

Sucking on the tit of--
"Get off my tits, you--

My tits are sore from you people
sucking on my tits so much."

This is why they hate Obamacare.

They see it
as just another giveaway.

You subsidize one kid's inhaler,

every kid is going to think
breathing is an entitlement.

[Laughter]

"That's not blood
you're coughing up, Billy.

That's freedom."

[Laughter]

But, of course, the problem
with Obamacare is

not too much socialism.

It's still too much capitalism.

You know, every
other big-boy country in the w--

[Audience member whistles,
others applaud]

Thank you, liberals.

[Cheering and applause]

Every other big-boy country in
the world has figured this out,

that you can have 90%
of the economy.

Just certain things should not
be left to the profit motive,

like health care,
like people living and dying...

like prisons
should not be for-profit,

and they are in this country.

Education should not
be for profit.

Elections should
not be for profit.

Wars. Halliburton
shouldn't be making a killing

making a killing.

[Applause]

But on the Right,
there is this perverse view

that the free market
is always the perfect answer

for everything.

And government--
[blows raspberry]

"Government! Government
should only do three things--

bomb Arabs,
pay farmers not to grow corn..."

[Laughter]

"and name buildings
after Ronald Reagan."

That's always a winner,
isn't it?

[Chuckles]

You know this.

No, I just want to know
from the Republicans,

how do they do it?

How do they get struggling
and working-class people

to vote for them?

[Woman yells]

What is it?

[Woman yells again]

Again, the--

MAN: Jesus.

Yeah.
OK, you run with that.

[Laughter]

[Man yelling]

No. Actually--

MAN: ...ribbon cutting--

BILL: What's that?

MAN: ...your vow
to kick

Donald Trump's ass at
the Post Office Pavilion

ribbon cutting.

WOMAN: We love
you, Bill Maher.

[Cheering and applause]

BILL: I'm so glad that
my HBO special has turned

into a Tea Party rally.

[Laughter and applause]

Hopefully, the difference
is we have security.

No, it's ironic because
Obama's slogan was Hope,

and I think what
the Republicans always sell is

hope and the word
they use is "soon."

I notice they
use that all the time.

After the State of the Union
last time,

the Republican rebuttal,
the guy said, "You know,

"Democrats are always talking
about haves and have-nots.

"That's not how we see it
in the Republican party.

We see haves and soon-to-haves."

[Laughter]

Fuck you. This is so cynical.

This holding out the carrots.

"I'm going to be the next one.
Soon for me!"

It's pathetic.

It's like the way
my dog looks at me in the car,

like, "Tomorrow
you'll let me drive?"

[Laughter]

The senator from Florida,
Marco Rubio,

in his stump speech,

he always says,
"When Americans drive through

"a wealthy neighborhood,
they're not jealous.

"They look at those fine houses
and they say, 'Congratulations.

We'll be joining you soon.'"

You know what,
other than winning the lottery,

what path is there for the
nurse, you know, or the fireman,

the cop, all the people we say
are our heroes? The soldier.

What path is there
for them to be joining you soon

in the mansion on the hill?

I happen to know
this one is bullshit

because for whatever reason,
when I was a kid,

my father used to like to drive
through wealthy neighborhoods,

like, you know, when
the Christmas lights were up.

I never once heard that
we would be joining them soon.

[Laughter]

This never came up in the car.

He just liked to look.

It's like we went to the zoo.

He didn't think
he was going to be a rhinoceros.

He just wanted to look at it.

[Applause]

[Chuckles]

It's funny also the way
that people who hate socialism

so much are the first ones
online for government giveaways.

Tea Party people love Medicare.
They love Social Security.

It's perks.
That's what government is.

It's giving people free shit,
and people love free shit.

Every government does it,
including the Republicans.

Bush did it.

Remember the prescription drug
program for the elderly?

It wasn't needed.

They were getting
their drugs through Medicare,

but, you know,
it's a vote getter.

[as George W. Bush]
"Hey, here are some free drugs.

Have a drug..."

You know,
Viagra had just come out,

so, "Hey, have a boner on Bush.
What do you think about that?"

[Laughter]

"Hey, remember me
on election day,

"won't you, folks?

"I'm the guy who gave you
that boner--George Bush..."

[Regular voice]
Really.

That's all it is, perks.

Same as religion, by the way.
Religion is also perks.

Those perks are just
better because, you know, you're

selling an invisible
product, so...

You know, really...

nobody ever
came back from heaven

and gave it a bad Yelp review.

[Applause]

"Oh, I was expecting
so much more.

What a disappointment
after all the hype."

No. Ha ha!

Now, people know this about me,

I'm not an especially
religious person, but, um...

[Laughter]

No, it's true.
That is true about me.

But I got to say,
I kind of like this Pope Frank.

First of all,
he's just a lot more...

[Applause]

cosmopolitan than every pope.

You know, he's from Argentina.
He was a Jesuit.

His real name is
Jorge Bergoglio.

Sounds like an expensive
pair of shoes, doesn't it?

"Hey, look at these
Jorge Bergoglios.

They're, like, 850 bucks."

And, also, I love it that,
you know,

he doesn't take this shit
too seriously.

You know,
a couple of months ago,

this woman called up the Vatican

and said that she wanted
to take Communion again

and they wouldn't let her
because she was divorced

and remarried, which
I remember is a big no-no

in the Catholic church.

And the pope actually called her
back and said, "Yeah, go ahead."

He did. He was like,
"Ah, just--fuck it--and do it.

"You know what?
Just fucking do it.

They got a lot of rules
around here, but just do it."

I mean, he's like that.

The first pronouncement
he made when he became pope,

he said atheists
can go to heaven.

And we were like,
"Well, we don't believe in it,

"but it's a nice gesture.

We appreciate that."

And trust me, when he said that,

the other dudes
in the Vatican were like,

"Oh, we got to prepare
the poison now.

This guy is just off message."

And he is. He is
the Joe Biden of Catholicism.

He really is.

[Applause]

A couple of months in, he said,
"We shouldn't judge gays."

[Cheering]

And the Vatican people
were like, "What?!

"What are you talking
about? That's what we do here,

Gays judging gays.
That's our whole thing."

[Laughter and applause]

So...

[Cheering]

Now, how about
my man, John Paul II, becoming

a saint this year?

[Faint applause]

Oh, you people are so jaded.
You know what? This is big.

This is sainthood, baby.

OK, let me tell you,
let me school you

on what goes on
in the Catholic church.

To become a saint,
you need two confirmed miracles.

Confirmed. No bullshit.

[Laughter]

I love the Catholic church.

I love the way they take
their own shit so seriously,

the bullshit they invented.

And then they're like,
"Oh, yeah, that's serious."

[Laughter]

So here's what happened.

John Paul II died in 2005.

Remember,
Bush went to the funeral.

Oh, it was
like his best day in office.

He was like a kid at the circus.

He fucking loved it.
It was like...

[as George W. Bush]
"Oh, nobody is answering

"any hard questions about me,

"and there's
other world leaders here

"and a dead Christian guy

and there's colors
and pageantry."

[Regular voice]
He was in heaven.

OK. Ha ha!

So he dies in 2005.

Got his first miracle in 2007,

which is, like,
ridiculously early,

but I knew he could do it.

And when he got that one,
I fucking called it.

I predicted--I said he
is going to drop another miracle

within five years,

and he fucking did it.

He got his second.

You know
what the second miracle was?

I am not making this up--

a brain-sick peasant
in Costa Rica prayed

to the dead pope
to get better and did!

[Laughter and applause]

Doesn't get any more
confirmed than that, OK, people?

One thing happened,
and then another thing happened.

It's called science.
Look it up on the Google.

[Chuckles]

But you know what,
the silver lining in this is

that millennials--not religious.

They just did a survey.

Millennials--
so much less religious

than any other generation
we've ever had in America.

And people talk all the time...

[Applause]

about how the Republicans
have a problem with women,

which they do, of course,

and they have a problem
with minorities, which they do.

But what they don't
talk about is

they have a problem
with young people

because the Republican
party gets more religious

and the young people get less.

In the last Pew survey--
get this--

48% of Republicans
said evolution is a lie.

22% said Obama is or very well
might be the Antichrist.

Like that's a thing.

[Laughter]

Here's a great one
from that poll.

44% said Obama will "Find a way
to stay in office after 2017."

[Laughter]

Wow. That is full-on
"eat a paint chip" nuts.

[Laughter]

"Find a way."

Here's a great one--41%
of Republicans think Benghazi

was the worst scandal
in American history.

Second worst was
when Kanye West grabbed the mike

from Taylor Swift, obviously.

Second worst day, but...

Yes, they are...so obsessed
with Benghazi.

They want to know whether it
was planned, like Pearl Harbor,

or unplanned,
like a Palin pregnancy.

[Laughter]

If you watch Fox News,
it is Benghazi 24/7.

Here's what happened
in their Fox News mind--

in their bubble.

Here's what happened
when the shit started

to go down in Benghazi.

They called up Obama--
not his real name.

His real name is a series
of African clicking sounds.

[Clicks tongue]

That's his name. So...

they called up President...
[Clicking tongue]

Wait. Let me--
let me get this.

Ooh. Ha ha!

[Clicking tongue]

That's his name.

They called up that guy,
but he was praying to Mecca,

so he couldn't take the call.

So then they called up

then-Secretary of State
Hillary Clinton,

who took the call but said,

"I don't care if Americans are
dying. I'm having lesbian sex.

Now, go away and bring me
another big plate of pussy."

That's what she said.

Here's one. Ha ha!

Here's one. You probably could
guess this one

that I love
from the poll of Republicans.

45% of Republicans
think that Obama is

probably not a real American
because he "feels foreign."

"Feels foreign."

Well, you know what, to me,
John Boehner feels female.

[Laughter]

He does. He--ha ha!

He wears a lot of bronzer.

You know, he gets teary
over nothing.

I'm always like, "This guy
is tanned, rested, and hormonal,

for crying out loud."

Is he the Speaker of the House
or the mother of the bride?

[Laughter]

Maybe that's the source of the
Republican problem with women

because they sure
do have a problem with women.

You know that Obama
beat Mitt Romney

among single women 67-31.

Those numbers you don't
often see in American politics.

That is a very clear message,
and the message is,

"Get off me."

Oh, women must be so tired
of Republican Congress people

being medical supergeniuses
about their vagina.

It's...

[Applause]

Let's switch it up
for a while and hear

what gynecologists have to say

about the national debt,
shall we?

I mean, when
did this start in America

that everybody gets to weigh in

on women's
private reproductive issues?

Hobby Lobby.

Who gives a shit
what Hobby Lobby thinks?

Hobby Lobby gets a vote?

They're
a Pentecostal yarn store.

You sell glue sticks
to cat ladies.

Why are you getting to voice
an opinion on somebody else's--

[Laughter]

Politicians never
used to talk about this shit,

and now they can't stop.

Mike Huckabee, who wants to be
president of the United States,

said this year--

he said, "Women vote
for the Democratic party

"because Democrats
are the party of government

and they pay
for their birth control."

And then he actually said,

"And women can't control
their libido"...

especially around Mike Huckabee.
Am I right, ladies?

[Chuckles]

If anybody would know.

I mean,
this never used to happen.

They had
contraception in the fifties.

I swear to God, Eisenhower never
once used the word "libido."

I mean, if
somebody had asked Eisenhower

about contraception,
he would have went, "What?"

"I was a general."

"I sent men to kill and die.

I don't care what
you do with your come."

"Go ask your mommy."

[Applause]

But...

[Applause]

And, you know,
the old-school Republicans,

the indoor Republicans,
the potty-trained Republicans,

they want to get
these other nuts to stop talking

about women's lady parts,
but they can't help themselves.

It's like Dr. Strangelove's arm,
you know?

It's just,
"Uh! I can't help it."

Even when they try to
impress women, they fuck it up.

Remember Mitt Romney with
the "binders full of women"?

Right? I'm not making that up.

Mitt Romney actually
said, trying to big himself up

about women, said, "You know,
when I was governor, I wanted

to hire women..."

"But I didn't know any."

That's where
the binders came in.

That's when he ordered--

"Bob, get me everything
we have on women."

[Laughter]

"This could be big, Bob. I want
to get in on the ground floor.

"I don't want to get scooped
on this one. Women as workers.

"This could be really something.

"They work for less.
I know I love that.

So let's get on this
right away."

[Applause]

There was a Republican
Congressman from Missouri

who said that fetuses
masturbate in the womb.

I could not make--

[Laughter]

I know. You thought
that was the baby kicking.

No, no. That's whacking,
not kicking.

No. That's that.

[Chuckles]

You know what? I have done
every drug known to man.

[Scattered cheers]

This thought
never came into my mind.

[Laughter]

I mean, a lot of crazy
thoughts came into my mind,

and I swatted them away,

but never once,
no matter what I was doing,

did I ever think, "Yeah,
there's kids whacking in there.

That's probably..."

I mean, Why
would you even say that?

Why? Of course! Because they're
all abortion nuts. That's why.

They're always trying
to prove that science knows

that life
begins earlier and earlier.

"How can you kill that kid? He's
having a great time in there.

He's whacking,
and he's watching videos..."

Oh, yes, the one branch
of science they believe in.

Sorry, global warming.

If only you were caused
by sluts fucking,

we could do something about you.

[Applause]

It's always about sluts fucking.

I'm telling you,

these people never
got over the sexual revolution.

Fuck. They
never got over the Civil War.

What am I talking about?

But especially
the sexual revolution.

In their mind, life begins

when a man and a woman
share an appetizer.

[Laughter]

And God loves
every single, solitary speck

and goo of human life until
it tries to sneak into America,

and then life
can go fuck itself.

[Cheering]

Oh, yeah.

America is a shining city
on a hill.

And we don't need
a bunch of Guatemalan kids

tracking mud through it.

No, they're crazy in the mind

because America
is finally changing.

This is what
is so scary to them.

Hispanics are ascendant
in this country.

We do have a black president.

A third of the country
can get gay-married.

A third of the country

has medical marijuana.

[Applause]

America is changing.

Two states have
regular old roll up a fatty

and watch "SpongeBob" marijuana.

[Cheering]

I'm telling you,
it's a new dawn of some kind.

There's a Hindu in Congress,
There's two Muslims in Congress.

There are 6 openly gay
people in Congress.

I know we missed it this time,

but the NFL--
the barrier has been broken--

is going to have
a gay player very soon.

[Applause]

I predict in five years,
the NFL will be completely gay.

[Laughter]

[Chuckles]

There will be new penalties
like, "Eligible man downfield."

"Roughing the snapper."

You know.
That's the snapper now.

I made that part up.

No, it's true.

This is what's
rocking their world, is

that heterosexuals
are not getting married anymore

and gay people are.

It's nothing logical.

It's just this onslaught of gay
and pot and black and Hispanic!

You know,
it's the sixties dorm room

that they were
never invited into.

That's the problem.

I think that's the problem.

[Applause]

I just hope that Democrats
will evolve on the pot issue

as quickly as they did
on the gay marriage issue

because I notice--which is
to say not very quickly at all--

but as soon as gay marriage
hit 51% approval in the polls,

ooh, there was
a lot of evolving on it.

Suddenly--ha ha!

And I notice a lot
of them use the same excuse,

which was, "Well, you know
my kids have gay friends,

"and we had them over
to dinner.

"It was lovely and none
of them leapt across the table

"and tried to have
anal sex with me.

So I guess it's all good
on the gay thing."

Well, don't hold
your breath for that.

I'll say
this for the Republicans,

Republicans make polls.

Democrats run from polls.

The repeal of--
[Audience member applauds]

Thank you, one person.

The repeal of don't ask,
don't tell in the military

was polling at 75% approval.

That's super-high in America.

Nope. Democrats still
needed to do one more study

to cover their ass.

So they did a study to find out
whether having gays in the ranks

would impede readiness.

[Scattered laughter]

Yeah, exactly.
How do you even study this?

"Uh, Johnson,
get in here and blow me..."

"while I fire this rifle
at those targets down there."

"Let me dig in here."

[Clears throat]

"And then
we will repeat the experiment

when you're not blowing me."

"And we'll see if it
impedes readiness, all right?

"Here we go.

"A little to the left.

No, not you. You're perfect."

[Laughter]

Really?

[Applause]

[Chuckles]

I have to ask, how come
it is that in the military

and the clergy, they talk
about homosexuality like it's

this thing that if you're around
it at all, you will be tempted.

I mean, I've been
in show business my whole life.

I'm around it.

I was never tempted.

I never walked into a wardrobe
trailer and went,

"Ah!"

[Laughter]

"I bet I could fuck
a lot of the guys in here."

Because I don't fuck guys.

But somehow in the military
and the clergy,

it's like dessert
at a fine restaurant. Just...

"Oh, don't put that in front
of me."

[Laughter]

[Applause]

"Oh, you're bad. No! No."

"Well, I haven't sucked
any all week.

I suppose I could have one."

And, you know, whenever you
see a Congressman or a clergyman

get caught with a young
boy, I notice

that the go-to first excuse
to let everybody down easy is

always the words,
"I am not a perfect man."

If you hear
"I am not a perfect man,"

just put the cock
in his mouth right there.

[Muffled]
"I am not a perfect man."

[Chuckles]

"But I'm not gay. Oh, come on!
Where'd you get this shit?

"Honey, am I gay?
Do I do anything gay?"

[Laughter]

Don't you feel bad for
the wife in a sex scandal,

although I actually think the
age of the sex scandal is over

because the technology we have
between "TMZ" and the NSA,

nobody can get away
with anything.

Look at poor Anthony Weiner.
He never even got laid.

[Laughter]

He was just
typing and masturbating

and typing and masturbating,
and happily.

You know, sometimes these women
would write back to him and say,

"We could make this happen
for real,"

and he'd be like, "Ew."

[Laughter]

"What do you mean, 'for real'?
How gross!

"You mean I touch you? No!

I'm typing and masturbating
and typing and masturbating."

This must be
a generational thing, honestly.

I don't associate
typing with sex.

I associate typing

with term papers
that are due the next day.

That's what
I associate typing with.

[Applause]

But it's certainly not
the case, as so many people say,

that they're hornier now--
more now than ever.

They're not hornier
more than ever.

Kennedy was hornier than any...

The founding fathers were
the horniest generation of all.

It's just that they
couldn't get caught back then.

There was no way you could
send a picture of your penis

to a woman.

I mean, you could but you
had to sit for a dick portrait.

[Laughter]

"Yeah, a little to the left,
Mr. President. Thank you."

You'd have to frame it
and put it on a carriage.

It was a--well, you know.

But this is the age we live in.

People put their shit up online.

We've seen
Anthony Weiner's penis.

We're going to see
a president's penis someday.

This is why
I am so for circumcision.

You know, th--
[Scattered cheers]

There is this movement to get
rid of circumcision.

Oh, people hate it. "It's child
abuse and genital mutilation

and it's desecration
of the human flesh."

Whatever! I am for it.

And if everybody's gonna put
their junk online--

anything that makes
a penis look less like something

that lives in the ocean...

[Laughter]

should be applauded, encouraged,
and federally funded.

I will be in your office
tomorrow looking for funding.

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

You were an awesome crowd.

I thank you for coming out,

waiting for me to arrive,
the whole 9 yards.

Thank you, HBO and our staff,

and everybody here
in Washington.

It was so great. Thank you!

[Cheering and applause]

♪

MAN: Real...

[Cheering continues]