Original subtitles

[theme music begins]

[theme music continues]

[theme music concludes]

[theme music]

- This is where everybody is.

Well, what's going on.

- Dad's a celebrity - - Yeah.

- Everyone is talking about

the latest issue of "Cosmic Cow".

- Well, no kidding.

What brought all this on?

- Well, I had this story

where President Reagan came down with the flu

and Nancy had to take over and run the country for the day.

- Oh, I love it.

- So she sent for Cosmic Cow to help her

and together they lowered inflation, balanced the budget,

settled the Middle East crisis.

- And saved Chrysler.

[audience laughs]

- Dad.

That kind of satire can open up

a whole new audience. - Yeah.

- That's right.

They could even make a movie out of it

like "Superman" and "Popeye".

- Or even a Broadway musical, like, like "Annie".

- Well, all right, everybody out, out, out.

I've got work to do.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Thank you. - [Together] Bye, Dad.

- You're welcome. [theme music]

- Hi.

- Oh, hi Honey.

I'm sorry I'm late,

my interview ran a little longer than I expected,

but I stopped at the market and bought a ham for dinner.

- Forget the ham.

We're going out for dinner tonight.

- How come?

- We're celebrating.

You'll, you'll never believe the reaction I've been getting

from this month's issue of "Cosmic Cow".

Wainwright will probably want to give me a raise.

- Oh, I am so glad.

[Henry laughs]

I know you were a little hesitant

about poking fun at the White House.

- Everybody loved it.

Especially the ending,

where President Reagan offered Cosmic Cow

the ambassadorship to India.

[laughs] [audience laughs]

- Let me put these things away and then I'll just go change.

- Okay.

- How did your interview

with the "Ladies World Journal" go?

- Oh, very well.

They really flattered me with their offer.

- That's wonderful.

- No, not really.

I don't think I want the job.

- Why not?

- Well, first of all,

it's full time and I don't have the time.

Second, it's not really what I want to do.

The position they offered me was

head of the photographic department.

- What's wrong with that?

- Well,

Henry,

I don't want to be inside giving out assignments.

I want to be outside filling the assignments.

- Hmm.

- I am a photographer.

[doorbell rings]

Who could that be?

- I'll get it.

[audience laughs]

- Is that all I got for $70?

[audience laughs]

- Ah, hello Regis.

- Good evening. Mr. Rush.

- Um,

[audience laughs]

isn't Mr. Wainwright with you?

- He's waiting downstairs in the limousine.

He asked me to give you

this message.

- Oh Regis, how nice to see you.

- Mrs. Rush.

- Muriel.

- Huh?

- Mr. Wainwright just flew in from Europe,

picked up a copy of "Cosmic Cow" at the airport

and was appalled.

- Why?

- "How could you allow 'Cosmic Cow'

"to be disrespectful to the Oval Office?

How dare you place the Wainwright Publishing Company

in such an unpatriotic and un-American light."

- It's absurd of him to feel that way.

- Well, you tell Mr. Wainwright

that I'm in complete disagreement.

[audience laughs]

"I expected you to disagree with me.

So I'll come right to the point.

In your next issue,

you will have that pinko cow

make a formal apology to the president and the first lady."

Well, you tell him that I refuse.

[audience laughs]

What have you got, a post office in there?

[audience laughs]

"You're fired."

He fired me, Muriel.

- I don't believe this.

- Well, you tell Mr. Wainwright

there are many things that I might do for money,

but compromising my creative rights isn't one of them.

- Mr. Wainwright also anticipated that attitude

and gave me one final message for you.

- Oh, he did, did he?

All right, well let's have it.

[sputtering noise]

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds]

- Oh, this job sounds interesting.

"Wanted, responsible male.

Travel, excitement, adventure, full hospital benefits.

- What kind of a job is it?

- Driving a bus in Los Angeles.

[audience laughs]

- Hm, I don't think your father would be interested.

He served in one war.

That's enough.

- Mom, it's been two weeks since he lost his job.

He's getting awfully depressed.

- You know, I can't understand

why he's having such a tough time of it.

He's so talented.

- Well, he's 51 years old.

Most employers want somebody younger.

Ah.

- Bills.

Bills, bills.

God, how I hate envelopes with little windows in them.

[audience laughs]

- Sit down, Dad.

- Oh, thanks Honey.

- Things will pick up, Henry.

You'll see.

I'll get you some breakfast.

- I could swear, when I was younger,

the want ads were printed in bigger type.

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Well ...

- Dad, if it'll help,

Jackie and I can move back upstairs

and you could rent our apartment

for more money than we're paying.

Than we're supposed to be paying.

[audience laughs]

Than we owe you.

[audience laughs] - That's right.

Girls, I appreciate your kind offer.

But don't worry, I'll find something.

- We know you will.

Gotta go.

- [both] Bye, Dad.

- So long. - Bye, Mom.

- Goodbye, Honey.

Ah, Henry.

You know, I've been thinking.

When you were a young man,

what was it that you always wanted to be?

Think back.

- Elizabeth Taylor's husband.

[audience laughs]

- Which one?

- All of them.

- No, you want it to be a painter.

- Hm, well.

- A serious painter.

[Henry chuckles]

For years, you've been complaining

that you're so busy earning a living

that you don't have time to paint.

Now you have that time.

Take it.

Use it.

Paint.

- Who's going to pay the bills?

- Well, that position at "Ladies World" is still open.

- Muriel,

I'm not going to let you go to work and support me.

- Oh, come on, stop being so old-fashioned.

We're a team, a family.

What difference does it make who supports whom?

- But you don't want that job.

- Well it's, it's only temporary

until something shows up for you.

- I've got to admit it would be nice

to hold a brush in my hand again.

Paint on canvas instead of cardboard.

- And there's no need to worry about money.

With my salary and your unemployment insurance

- Unemployment insurance? Muriel,

I never collected unemployment insurance in my life.

It's, it's, it's demeaning.

I mean just the thought of going down there

and waiting around all those hours with nobody to talk to.

- What do you mean no one to talk to?

There are hundreds of people there.

- Yes, but nobody that speaks English.

[audience laughs]

You know how tough it is

for minorities to get work these days?

Those poor people.

Come down there with their wives,

their kids,

their chickens.

[audience laughs]

- Hello, "Ladies World"?

May I speak with Mrs. Gonzalez please?

[audience laughs]

[theme music plays]

[theme music plays]

- You don't happen to have the right time, do you?

- It's 11:30.

- Hm.

- It gets slower every year.

- You've been here before?

- It's my second home.

[audience laughs]

- What do you do for a living?

- This is it, I collect unemployment.

[audience laughs]

- I don't understand.

I mean, this is my first time.

Ah, what do you mean?

- I take a job and I stay with it

long enough just to build up a claim.

Then I get myself fired and I come down here

and I collect unemployment

and I go to the beach and I go sailing.

It's a good life.

[audience laughs]

- You mean, you've never had one job for any length of time?

- Oh yeah, sure.

Right after I graduated from Yale.

[audience laughs]

I went to work for a television network.

- Really, what'd you do?

- I was vice-president in charge of programming.

[audience laughs]

- You mean you went straight from college

into an important job like that?

- Oh no, no, no.

I started out in the mail room first.

I didn't get to be vicepresident until three months later.

[audience laughs]

- Well, if you don't mind my saying so I think you're crazy.

- Why?

- Well, why would a man in his right mind

leave a vice-presidency at a television network?

I mean, you were responsible

for what the American public watched on television.

- That's why I left. My life was in danger.

[audience laughs]

- [Ms. Sexauer] Mr. Rush, your appointment is next.

Mr. Henry Rush.

- I'm here,

I'm here, I'm here. - - Mr. Henry Rush.

- Shush?

[audience laughs]

- "Shush"?

It says here "Rush".

[audience laughs]

You know, I thought that was a strange name, "Henry Rush".

- It is "Rush".

- Then why did you say "Shush"?

I just didn't want you to call it out.

It was embarrassing.

- Your name is nothing to be embarrassed about.

You want to see embarrassed, Honey?

- "Sexauer"?

- Now, shush, Rush.

[both laugh]

It says on your application that you're a cartoonist.

- That's correct.

- Well, I have to warn you, Mr. Rush,

we don't have very many openings for cartoonists.

- That doesn't surprise me.

- Would you consider taking

temporary employment in another field?

- If it were a temporary, I would.

- Good.

Do you have a permit to carry a gun?

[audience laughs]

- A gun? What for?

- Well we have an opening for a bus driver.

[audience laughs]

- I, I don't think so.

- But it pays very well.

The man who had the job hated to leave it.

He'd still be there, if were alive.

[audience laughs]

- I'm not interested.

What else do you have?

- Not very much for a man your age.

Plasterer's assistant?

- Uh-uh.

- Dishwasher.

Grape picker.

Oh, but you need experience for that.

[audience laughs]

- I'm a cartoonist.

A creative artist.

I mean, I've I spend many years perfecting my craft

and I find myself being offered menial jobs,

unskilled labor.

I-- I-- I'm not interested in that.

- Mr. Rush, you have to make yourself available for work

or you won't be eligible

to collect unemployment compensation.

- Oh, that's fine with me.

I don't want any.

I'm an artist.

I'll go home and paint.

Even if I have to starve,

I won't be the first.

Thanks, but, uh, no thanks.

- Ah, Mr. Rush,

there is an opening for a network executive.

No experience necessary.

[audience laughs]

- Yeah.

Yeah, that's good.

For the first time in my life I'm genuinely impressed

with something I've done.

I'm really pleased.

[chuckles]

Wait until Muriel comes home from work and sees it.

- When can I sit, Mr. Rush?

- Monroe you've been asking me that all week.

I told you not 'til it's finished.

Now just stand there and don't move.

- Mr. Rush, I have to scratch.

- Well go ahead and scratch.

- I'll have to put my sword down.

- Don't, don't, don't put the sword down.

All right, just hold that position.

If you have to scratch, use the sword.

- Oh, no, not where I itch.

[audience laughs]

- Fini.

- Oh, good.

- Yeah.

You can see it now.

- I'm really excited about this.

[both laugh]

[audience laughs]

- There it is.

You've driven me crazy all week, but it was worth it.

- Yeah.

- Look at it.

Look at that depth,

- Uh huh.

- the intensity,

- Mm-hm.

- The tale.

I must say, it's by far

the best piece of work I've ever done.

- I hate it.

[audience laughs]

- What do you--

What do you mean you hate it?

- Well, I don't get the feeling that he's a true gladiator.

I mean, he lacks strength.

He lacks character.

He lacks that certain indomitable fighting spirit.

You haven't captured the real me, Mr. Rush.

[audience laughs]

- If I could capture the real you,

I wouldn't put you on canvas.

I'd put you in a cage.

- What do you know about art, anyway?

- Well, I know what I like.

- Well, in the first place,

you don't judge a painting by standing so close to it.

Here, stand back here.

You have to stand back to get a proper perspective.

There.

Now tell me you don't like it.

- I don't like it.

[audience laughs]

- You're standing too close.

There.

- Doesn't do it.

[door slams] [audience laughs]

I like this one out here in the hallway.

[audience laughs]

Nice little [indistinct]

- Get in here!

[door slams]

You stand right there

and you look at that painting

and you tell me what it is about it that bothers you.

- Well, that line on his face doesn't look quite right.

- But that's supposed to be there.

He's a soldier.

It's a battle scar.

- No, no, no, no.

Not the scar.

The one on the other side of his face.

- What line?

- Uh, Mr. Rush.

It's this one, right?

[painting crashes]

[audience laughs]

- You. You, you--

- If you have any Elmer's glue I can patch it.

- You.

You!

Hand me that sword.

- What are you gonna do with it?

- You'll be the first to know.

[theme music]

- Henry, I'm home.

Oh, hi sweetheart.

I'm sorry I'm late.

[pan slams]

We had an afternoon meeting that just wouldn't quit.

[oven door slams]

What's wrong?

- What's wrong?

What's wrong?

You come home three hours late.

My roast is ruined

and you have the nerve to come home

at 8:30 at night and ask me what's wrong?

[audience laughs]

- I told you I was in a meeting.

- How was I supposed to know that you were in a meeting?

You didn't even have the courtesy

to call me on the phone.

For all I know, you could have been in an accident.

- I'm sorry.

I should have called, but I,

I just didn't think I should walk out of the meeting.

And I mean, none of the other women called their husbands.

- Look at this.

- Hmm.

- This was a five pound roast ...

[indistinct] [audience laughs]

Now there's barely enough for one person.

- You have it, I already ate.

[roast slams]

[audience laughs]

Well, they sent out for Chinese food.

Oh, Henry.

I, I didn't know when I took this job

I'd have to put in so many hours.

I don't like it any better than you do.

Oh, come on, honey.

This has been such a horrendous day.

Can't we salvage what's left of it?

Look, I'll--

I'll go jump in the shower

and change into something comfortable

and meet you in the bedroom in 10 minutes.

- Don't pull that on me.

[audience laughs]

You think you can waltz in here

after hours,

ruin my dinner

and then try to make it up to me by suggesting sex?

Well, that won't work with me, Muriel.

- It always worked with me.

[audience laughs]

Henry, come on.

My darling.

[audience laughs]

Henry!

[Henry laughs]

- Well, are you just going to stand there,

or are you going to get in that shower?

- [indistinct]

[doorbell rings]

- I'll get rid of whoever it is.

- Hi, Dad.

- Oh hi, uh, what do you want?

- Dad, it's us.

- I know, I have a good memory.

What do you want?

We want to see Mom.

We haven't seen her in a week.

- Well, she's looking the same.

Thank you, goodnight.

- Dad, what's wrong with you?

- Nothing's wrong with me.

I'd just like to spend a little time with my wife, okay?

- It's only 8:30, you'll have plenty of time.

- I want to see her now.

Why don't you come back a little later?

About 11:30?

- 11:30, we'll be asleep by then.

- I'll wake you.

- I wonder if you're on something.

[audience laughs]

[shoes clatter]

[audience laughs]

[pants clatter]

[audience laughs and claps]

[doorbell rings]

[doorbell rings again] [audience laughs]

- I'm going to have to get those girls a better clock.

- Henry.

[whistles]

- Ho, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[audience laughs]

- Is this 11:30?

Oops.

[audience laughs]

Excuse me, Regis.

- I have 8:42, and I have this from Mr. Wainwright.

- Thank you, Regis.

Goodnight, Regis.

- [Muriel] Where are you?

- Coming, coming, coming.

- [Muriel] What are you reading?

- It's from Wainwright.

Muriel, he's hired me back

with no strings attached.

Oh, why did he do that?

- I don't know, but it's wonderful.

- Huh.

- When can I quit my job?

- You just did.

[both laugh]

- Ah, Henry.

[phone rings]

Hello.

It's the president of the United States.

- Now?

Tell him I'm busy.

[audience laughs]

- I mean it.

It's the White House calling.

They're putting the president on right now.

- Hello?

Yes, it is.

Mr. President?

This isn't Rich Little, is it?

[audience laughs]

It isn't.

How do you do, sir?

You did?

You really did?

You liked it?

- That's why Wainwright hired you back.

- Well, it's nice to know

there's a man in the Oval Office with a sense of humor.

[chuckles]

Look I, I can't express my,

my joy at this phone call, Mr. President.

I, I feel exceptionally honored.

What's that Mr. President?

Operator, get off the line.

Well you just interrupted

a very important ...

I don't care if it is an emergency call.

I won't accept it.

You just interrupted ...

I'm talking to the President of the United ...

Hello?

Hello?

Monroe!

How dare you call me at a time like this!

[audience laughs]

[phone slams]

[theme music] [audience claps]

[theme music]