All language subtitles for The Great North S05E12 iNTERNAL 1080p WEB h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

♪ Look up there ♪

♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North ♪

[cheering]

[in French accent] Oui monsieur,
you still have le three hours to le wait.

[mimics French]
Hon, hon, hon.

I'm just really excited
'cause it's my wife's

first time celebrating
her birthday

the traditional Tobin way.

We love coming here
for special events.

Birthdays, graduations,

that time Ham
got retweeted by Reba.

I do not care.

Understood. Hon, hon, hon.

Great news,
my birthday Bedelia.

Three hours of waiting down.
Just three more to go.

I'm so excited to try
the best fake French food

in this little
fake French town.

Oh, yeah. The snails here are way better
than the ones I ate from the garden.

And, man, they do not
skimp on the French.

Oh, yeah. They put a bowl of
complimentary cigarettes on every table.

And they are so mean.

If your party size is too large
or too small when your name is called,

or if you take more
than one minute to respond,

the mime physically

-removes you from the property.
-[man] Whoa!

He's stronger than he looks.

I once saw him
tear an invisible phonebook in half.

Oh, that was insane.
Remember that, Judy?

Uh, yeah. Whatever.
I'm kind of busy here, Wolf.

When we sit down,
can someone remind me

to ask the waiter if they have
a color printer I can connect to?

Yikes. Is she still
working on her essay

for that European
summer program she's applying for?

Academic Super Stars
in the Alps.

Academic Super Stars? ASS.

[chuckling] Ass.

Moon, don't laugh.

[giggles] ASS in the Alps.

She keeps going over her essay
with a thesaurus.

I find it annoying.
Abrasive. Irritating.

I practically had
to drag her here

to celebrate Honeybee's
first Alaskan birthday.

She should take a tip from me.

Grades ain't nothing
but a number.

-Letter.
-Sure.

-[phone vibrates]
-[gasps] Oh, my God, yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Uh... I'm just going
to go to the bathroom.

Wow, she's really excited
about going to the bathroom.

I hope it's everything
she's dreaming of.

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

Hey, pal,

your name Judy?
I'm looking for Judy.

[shushes] Don't say
my name too loud.

My family's here
to celebrate a birthday,

and they think
I'm in the bathroom.

We're all the way outside.

Are they really good
at hearing or something?

Okay, I'll ask
the questions here.

You got the goods?

-Take a look for yourself.
-[animal squeals]

That's a weasel, all right.
Here's your money.

You know, this isn't
exactly legal,

so, you know,
don't tell anyone I sold it to you.

-Fine.
-Unless they also wanna buy one.

Word of mouth is everything
in my business.

Give them my card.

There's a bunch in the bag.
Sorry some are wet.

Okay, I'm leaving now.

Hey, Judy, tell them
to use promo code,

WEASELSWEASELSWEASELS.

That's three weasels,
all caps, no spaces!

Ten percent off!

Is it just me, or has the blond one
been gone a really long time?

I'm so hungry
I forgot her name.

-Judy?
-I guess.

I could've sworn
it was Julie.

She has been gone a while.

I'm sure she's just reading the back
of the stall with the events calendar.

I wanna come back
for Rude Poetry Night

and the storming
of the Bastille meal deal.

Hmmm. It's only two and a half hours
till our table's ready.

We really ought to find her.

We do not wanna risk
missing our reservation.

Yeah, we don't want a repeat
of the time we missed eating

because of Ham's
so called emergency.

My appendix burst.
And I said I was sorry.

We forgive,
but we never forget.

I'll go see if she's still
in the bathroom real quick.

And the rest of us
will look around, too,

in case she got lost
on the way back.

Judy? Judy?

Huh.

[Wolf] Judy?

Judy Trudy Tobin?

Judy?

Judy?

Maybe she's hiding
behind one of these pastries.

Better check. [grunting]

Oh, locked.

[grunts] I see they learned their lesson
from the last time I was here.

[grunting and groaning]

Judy? You in here?

Whoa. Ice in a urinal.

Ooh la la.

-Couldn't find her.
-Same.

-[phone vibrates]
-Oh, here we go.

She texted
on the family chain.

She's running an errand

-and says to eat without her?
-What?

That's not how this works.

She knows that.

We put our name in already.

We won't be seated
if we don't have six.

And it's Honeybee's birthday.

Her phone is on the move,
but she's still in New Fork.

How do you know?

Remember, we shared
our locations to each other

during Ham's ridiculous
appendicitis stunt?

Watching his dot
not leave the hospital was so infuriating.

I was in septic shock.

My God, Ham,
take some accountability.

Looks like she's headed
for the New Fork metro.

This town has a metro?

Eh. It just goes three stops
and dumps you kind of nowhere.

They do hire actors

to pretend to be kissing
each other goodbye

at the station.
It's a nice touch.

I'm gonna go stop her.
Two hours and 20 minutes

till I need to get back here
on my mark.

Nothing's getting in the way
of my wife's perfect birthday.

-[Honeybee] Oh.
-[both kiss]

Wait for me.

Oh. He is so dramatic.

I honestly love it
so much. [kisses]

Judy!

-Judy, I can see you.
-Oh.

-What are you doing?
-Just leave me alone.

I have to go back
to Lone Moose.

But everyone you know
and love is at La Fancy.

Except for me
who's following you.

Don't follow me.

But it's Honeybee's birthday.

I'm so sorry.
You wouldn't understand.

-[rattles]
-Damn it.

[in French] Billet,
s'il vous plait.

I... I don't have a...
uh, whatever you said.

I... I just need
to retrieve my sister.

No ticket, no sister.

A bientot.

Well, well, well.

What have we-asel here?

I gotta catch that train
at the next station

to stop my sister from whatever it is
she's doing with a weasel

and get her to come back
for my wife's birthday dinner.

Oh, yeah, I've been through
that exact same thing with my sister.

-Ugly business.
-Really?

Mine's been acting very intense
about this summer program in Europe.

Oh. It was the same
with my sister.

I mean, my wife's family
is far away,

so we were all
gonna be there for her,

but Judy is ruining
her special day.

Brother, it's like
listening to a mirror.

[Wolf] Oh, here we are.

You know, I couldn't
save my sister,

but you can still save yours.

Go to her, Cham.

Is your name Cham?

No, it's Wolf, but, uh--

My name's Cham,

so I thought your name
would be Cham too,

'cause we have
so much in common.

Cham, what happened
to your sister?

Nothing. Forget it. Go!

[♪ upbeat music playing]

Okay. And now,
the hunt begins.

-Oh, she's right there.
-[screams]

What are you doing here?
Why do you have a weasel?

You wouldn't understand.

Just go back to La Fancy.

[announcer in French accent]
Door closing for departure.

Dang it. Lost her.

Ooh, hold on. Snack station?

Well, I'm gonna
need my energy

if I'm gonna chase
and catch my own sister.

Let me try
the Conductor's Nachos.

Two hours left.
Time to update everyone.

Hello, family...

[in French accent] Matthews,
family of four?

-Not here? No table.
-[phone vibrates]

Uh, okay. Uh, Wolf says he's on the train,
but he hasn't gotten Judy yet.

Ugh, what if they
don't make it back?

I need my creme brulee.

I'm a growing boy.

I'm also a growing boy.

Look, we're all growing boys.

[groans] This is not good.

I don't even wanna know
what the mime will pretend to throw at us

if we're two people short
when our name is called.

Excuse me, did I hear that you are missing
two members of your party?

There are two of us
because we are twins.

That's how twins work.

There's no triplet,
and we didn't hurt her.

Of course, you didn't.

We arrived
a long time after you,

but we'd like
to eat sooner, so...

[both] We'd love
to join your party.

Uh, excuse me,
we're also party of two.

And we're
on the standby list, so...

But we asked first.

Sure, you guys were first,

but my son and I are funst.

-What?
-Fun. We're more fun. Pick us.

[chuckles] I mean,
just look at my fun T-shirt.

"FBI: Female Brain Idolizer."

[giggles] Okay, that shirt
is a riot.

Are you really looking
for a couple to join your party?

We'd love to be considered.

Hold on. Tobins, a word.

Look, I believe
in my husband,

but I also believe in me eating
delicious French food on my birthday.

We need a backup plan
if he and Judy don't get back in time.

We could do shrooms
in the desert?

I've got a better idea.

We should have
a Bachelorette-style

competition
for our open seats.

And since I've seen
every episode of the show,

plus the extremely brief run of the
classical opera based on the franchise,

I can be the star.

[gasps] Ooh, this
is gonna be funst.

[rattling]

Well, hi there, young lady.

I'm Willa, and this
is my husband, Will.

[mumbles] Yeah, nice to...
nice to meet you.

Aren't you gonna ask about us?

We're extremely interesting.

Get a load of this.

We're traveling
to every state,

and we always ride a train
and visit a local museum.

Next stop
is the Crab Leg Museum.

Trying to see the world.

I'm trying to see
the world, too.

And this is my ticket
out of here.

-Oh, no, no! Long rat! Ahhh!
-[all yelling]

-[announcer] Doors opening for arrival.
-[Judy] Oh, I'm so sorry.

-Judy. And weasel
-No, no, no. Ahhh!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, sorry.
Here's your badge and cuffs.

Judy.

Wolf, uh, leave me alone.
I've got to get this guy back in his bag.

What the hell
has gotten into you?

You won't understand.

Judy, we have to get
back for Honeybee.

I've bigger stuff on my mind
than a dumb family tradition.

Like what?

Just let me finish
my weasel business,

and I promise I'll try to get back
to New Fork in time for dinner, okay?

Judy, they're gonna call
our name soon.

-[squealing]
-I gotcha. Just leave me alone!

Judy, there's nowhere
left to go.

Come back to La Fancy with me.

Au revoir, Wolf.

That's "goodbye" in French.

Judy, no! You can't jump.
This is madness.

-[Judy screams]
-No!

-Judy. No!
-[♪ tense music playing]

Oh, the train's stopping.
You're fine.

[announcer] This is our
final stop.

All right. Time to hitchhike
my way back to Lone Moose.

Wait. This isn't my bag.

Where did my weasel... [gasps]

Will? Wheel?

Wheel... uh...
Whatever your name is. Wait!

You have my long rat.

No, no. No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's over, Judy.

-[clicking]
-What are you talking... [gasps]

Oh, my God. Wolf, uncuff me
so I can go get that weasel.

I need it. I know they're
going to the Crab Leg museum.

I can find them there
and get the weasel back. Uncuff me.

Nope. I have a job to do on behalf of
my beloved wife on her birthday,

which you should
care about, too.

Oh, no, I can't believe
this is happening.

I'm getting very heavy.

Do not... Don't you dare
go boneless.

I will drag you.

[groans] Eventually.

-[Wolf groaning]
-Wolf, look, let's make a deal.

We don't even have to uncuff.

You come with me
to get the weasel back and finish my plan,

and I promise we'll take
the Lone Moose Lone Uber

back to the restaurant
in time to eat.

I'll use all my
Christmas money. All of it.

-Nope.
-Okay, I hear that.

Excuse me, Miss.

This random man
is stealing me.

I do not know him,

-and he is not my brother.
-Oh, my God!

Ah... [stammering]

Deal?

Yeah, fine. Deal.

Ooh, oh, my bad. He is not stealing me,
and he is my brother.

I have three,
so it's confusing.

[chuckles] Bye.

All right, let's go
see about a weasel.

[♪ intriguing music playing]

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight,
our birthday girl, Honeybee,

will get to know each of you
before presenting the ceramic poodle

to the diners
she wishes to have join us.

Good luck,
and may you be eating soon.

Thank you all
for joining me on this journey.

I just know my dining partners
are in this room,

and I can't wait
to spend the rest of this night with you.

Well, with us, you only
have to learn one face,

'cause my face is her face
and her face is my face.

And we are
great conversationalists.

Yeah, we like to talk
about all sorts of stuff.

-Like, what's up...
-...what's new...

...and what's happening.

Hmm. I've been wondering
what's happening.

Is it okay if I steal myself
from you for a minute?

I've been hurt before
by dinner companions who chew too loud.

How do I know I can trust you
with my meal?

Oh, we're very soft chewers.
Listen to this.

[gasps]

I can't hear anything.

I feel really safe
with you guys.

How do I know you're here
for the right reasons?

Well, we both
wanna eat food.

Mmm. Mmm.

Thank you for being
so open with me.

[sobbing] It's just been
really hard without my wife here.

Oh, God, what happened to her?

[voice breaking] She doesn't
like French food.

-[sobbing]
-You are so brave to be here.

It's what she would've wanted.

I know. She told me to come.

[Judy] Excuse me, sir?

Which way are you headed?

-Palmer.
-[exclaims] Perfect. Can we hitch a ride?

We're heading to the Crab Leg Museum.
It's... it's on your way.

Well, sure. Hop in the back.

But no kissing
my milk bottles.

Okay.

One's my wife, and the others
are my daughters,

so, like I said, hands off.

[chuckles] You got it,
my good man.

Okay, enough messing around.

I need to get serious
with my potential guests.

As the birthday girl, I will be taking
a bite of everyone's meal.

So, tell me,
what will you be ordering?

I'm ordering
the croque monsieur.

And I'm ordering
the croque madame.

A croque family. Beautiful.

I'll be ordering
the French onion soup.

[chuckles] Of course,
here they just call it onion soup,

but it's very authentic.

Okay, that's not
the easiest dish to share.

You can eat
all the cheese off the top.

Just save me that big,

-soggy piece of bread.
-Deal.

What's your entree choice?

No entree. Only appetizers.

All appetizers.

[gasps] That's what
I was going to order.

Feels like we're
meant to be.

Wow, I really have
people's lives in my hands.

I feel like I'm further
along with father and son,

but my chemistry with
the Michaelsons is undeniable.

Meanwhile, it's clear that the twins
aren't here to make friends.

Who are you talking to?

Oh. I'm pretending there's
a confessional camera.

Oh. Of course.

It's been beautiful to watch
your journey to find dinner partners.

Well, I'm glad someone's enjoying this,
'cause I am stressed.

Ugh. Why can't he
drive faster?

Okay, Judy, now, just between you, me,
and this very tempting milk,

what are you actually
doing with this weasel?

[groans] I'm bringing it
to Ms. McNamara.

The guidance counselor?

-You hate her.
-I do.

But she lost her pet weasel recently,
so I got her a new one.

Okay. Wow, that's, uh,
really thoughtful.

It's not thoughtful, Wolf.

It's a... it's a bribe, okay?

-A bribe?
-Yes. [sighs]

She was supposed to give me

a recommendation for
the Alps summer program,

but I bombed
my interview with her

and she gave me
a really bad one.

So, I thought if I
got her this weasel,

maybe she would
change her mind.

And the applications
are due tomorrow at noon,

and this is my last chance.

Argh. Go ahead, judge me.

I'm not judging you
for wanting to go to this program,

but I think if you bribe someone with
a weasel to make it happen,

then maybe
it wasn't meant to be.

See? You don't get it.

You don't get that I need
to go to Europe

and, like... like,
start my real life.

Well, hey, we went
to New Fork today,

so it's basically
like you already went to the French Alps.

Wolf, New Fork is a joke.

There are gondolas
in the man-made canals.

Gondolas are Italian.

Well, yeah, it's not perfect,

but that's why
it's fake France.

It's just a fun place
to spend the day.

I didn't want to spend the day
with you in fake France.

I want to spend my summer
in real France,

and you're holding me back.
Literally.

You can't understand
what this means to me.

You got married at 21
and didn't ever get out of our hometown.

And your wife's birthday is like, I guess,
the most exciting thing you have.

But that's not
what I want for my life.

-Your life is so small.
-[gasps]

-[gasps]
-Wow. Okay.

Good to know
that's what you think of me.

-Look, Wolf, I--
-You know what? I think I'm done here.

Hey, buddy, I'm kissing
this milk. [kisses]

Whoa, I'm kissing
a bunch of 'em. [kissing]

Hey! Get your hands
off my wife!

-[tires screeching]
-[Judy and Wolf grunt]

Ah. Ouch.

And yes, I do mean that
about hitting my head,

and also
because of what you said about me.

Get your own
milk wife, you creep.

Yep, sorry.
You have a lovely family.

Look, Wolf, I really--

Nope, no need to say anymore.

I'll leave you alone,
since that's clearly what you want.

Let me just, uh... [grunts]

Wow, that was much easier
than I thought it would be.

You know, Judy, maybe caring
about your wife and family

more than anything
in the world isn't enough for you,

but it's enough for me,

even if it makes
my life "small."

So, I'm just gonna try
to make it back in time,

'cause that's the...
the right thing to do,

so... so I'm gonna do it.

Good luck getting
your bribe weasel back.

Oh, I agree.

If Puss in Boots
was a real person,

he would definitely be
one of People's sexiest men alive.

They should let him be,
even though he's a cat.

Okay, calm down, Melissa.

I'm sorry.

It's just this process has been so much
harder than I thought it would be.

Don't worry. I get it.

I didn't think it would
happen to me,

but I'm in love with multiple
dinner partner options.

[clinking]

Honeybee, it's time.

-[doorbell rings]
-[doorknob rattles]

Hey, Judy.
What are you doing here?

I heard that your weasel died,

and so, I, um...
just brought you a new one.

-[squealing]
-Oh, wow. I, uh...

He's cute.

I've been so sad
since Jeremiah died.

He was all I had.

He was my family to be honest.

I've been really lost
without him.

Well, I'm glad you like him,

but if I'm being honest,

I actually ran around all day
getting you this weasel... as a bribe.

Bribe? Really?

Yep. I wanted to bribe you to get a better
recommendation for the Alps program,

and then I got
real intense about it.

So intense, I ripped
my brother a new one for no reason,

and that...
that sucked of me.

And I realized that
during a very long Uber ride here alone.

I mean, not alone,
I had a weasel, but basically alone.

So, I'm gonna do
what my brother would do.

I'm gonna just
give you this weasel

from the bottom of my heart.

No strings attached.

Okay. Well, gosh, thank you.

He's totally gonna fit
in Jeremiah's old tuxedo.

Oh. And I know I said
no strings attached for the weasel,

but I am gonna steal
your snow machine, but I'll bring it back.

-Okay.
-[engine whirring]

-What an interesting interaction.
-[squealing]

Ugh. Why are there so many
wet business cards in here?

-[♪ tense music playing]
-If we call your name,

please step forward and take this
ceramic poodle-lying-down statue

as a symbol of accepting
our two open seats.

Honeybee.

You all have so much to offer.

And this is way harder
than it looks on The Bachelor,

The Bachelorette,
The Golden Bachelor,

Bachelor in Paradise, and Bachelor
in New York: Hey, I'm Datin' Here!

But the couple
I've chosen is--

Wait. There's something
you need to know.

-What is it, Lloyd?
-The couple, the... the Michaelsons.

They've already eaten.
The hostess told me.

[gasps] Is this true?

-Damn it!
-Okay. Yes, we did eat,

but you have to understand...

-we're dying.
-Both of you?

We have couples cancer.
It's super bad.

Well, my son was murdered.

Sir, he is right there.

Bonjour and bonsoir, Honeybee.

Your birthday husband
has returned.

Yay! You made it.
Wait, where is Judy?

She's probably giving
a weasel to a teacher

to get a ticket to ASS
in the Alps right now.

Wait. Does that mean
you just need one person now?

[gasps] Pick me. I'll kill
my other triplet, I don't give a crap.

No, pick me. I'll kill her.
I'll kill all of them.

I guess we still have
one more spot,

so... you.

Yes! Wait for me
in the car, Allen.

Now seating les Tobins,

party of six. Tobins.

-[doorknob rattles]
-Wait. Wait.

-Judy!
-Is your party... complete?

Not sure. Our party might be
too "small" for her.

Wolf, look, I'm really sorry.

I shouldn't have said
you have a small life because you don't.

I just... I was projecting
'cause lately I've felt

like I am a loser
with a small life.

What are you talking about?

The brochure
for the Alps thing,

it's full of pictures
of kids who look like

they've already been
to Europe a thousand times

and have names
like Mason and Grunt.

And I've barely even
been out of Alaska.

Hon, hon, hon.

Uh-oh, Judy,
here comes the mime.

Eh, pardonnez-moi, monsieur.

No one here appreciates your artistry
more than me, okay?

But I'm apologizing
to my family so just back off.

The point is that I've been
feeling inferior,

so I went a little nuts.

I'm so sorry.

Whether I get
into that ASS or not,

I have a big life already

'cause of you guys.

Thanks, Jude. And the kids in
that brochure have nothing on you.

They probably wouldn't know the first
thing about buying a street weasel.

I'm glad you two made up,
but we need to get moving.

The mime's almost hacked his way through
your invisible door.

We're here.
The Tobins are all here.

Sorry, Melissa. You're out.

[shouts] No!

-[♪ singing birthday song]
-♪ Hon-hon-hon, hon, hon, hon ♪

♪ Hon-hon-hon, hon, hon, hon ♪

♪ Hon-hon-hon,
hon, hon, Honeybee ♪

♪ Hon-hon-hon, hon, hon, hon ♪

[♪ dance music version
playing]

♪ Hon-hon-hon, hon, hon, hon ♪

♪ Hon-hon-hon, hon, hon, hon ♪

♪ Hon-hon-hon,
hon, hon, Honeybee ♪

♪ Hon-hon-hon, hon, hon, hon ♪