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1
00:00:05,160 --> 00:00:07,796
SAMANTHA: Isaac, we just got off
the phone with the publisher.
2
00:00:07,896 --> 00:00:09,963
They want to tell your story.
(gasps)
3
00:00:09,964 --> 00:00:12,701
Provided your story
involves you being a vampire.
4
00:00:12,801 --> 00:00:14,969
You got to take risks
every now and then.
5
00:00:15,070 --> 00:00:16,371
Ho!
6
00:00:16,471 --> 00:00:19,374
Maybe I'm just
attracted to the danger.
7
00:00:20,209 --> 00:00:22,010
I'm the most pious among us.
8
00:00:22,111 --> 00:00:24,746
Who experiences less joy than I?
9
00:00:24,846 --> 00:00:26,415
Who is more severe?
10
00:00:26,548 --> 00:00:27,981
Hi. I'm Kyle.
11
00:00:27,982 --> 00:00:29,418
Kyle's a dumb name.
12
00:00:29,518 --> 00:00:31,253
Well, at least I'm alive.
(all gasp)
13
00:00:31,353 --> 00:00:33,855
I can see ghosts.
He can see ghosts!
14
00:00:34,556 --> 00:00:35,924
(all scream)
ELIAS: Sometimes I even
15
00:00:36,057 --> 00:00:38,560
get to come to Earth
as a living human.
16
00:00:38,660 --> 00:00:40,829
You have not seen
the last of me!
17
00:00:41,930 --> 00:00:46,435
(laughs) All right,
let's go to the zoo.
18
00:00:46,535 --> 00:00:47,802
No. I made that up.
19
00:00:47,902 --> 00:00:49,171
I just wanted to have
a private conversation
20
00:00:49,271 --> 00:00:51,004
without the ghosts
hearing us.
21
00:00:51,005 --> 00:00:54,342
So, no zoo? Oh, man, I really
wanted some Dippin' Dots.
22
00:00:54,343 --> 00:00:56,710
Okay, big news.
The publisher just told me
23
00:00:56,711 --> 00:00:59,012
they want to have a
big fancy launch party
24
00:00:59,013 --> 00:01:01,183
for my vampire book
about Isaac next week.
25
00:01:01,283 --> 00:01:03,017
That's awesome.
Here's the thing, though.
26
00:01:03,118 --> 00:01:05,086
The party's in New York,
so Isaac can't go.
27
00:01:05,187 --> 00:01:07,689
Ooh, he's gonna be so bummed,
which I can relate to
28
00:01:07,789 --> 00:01:10,259
as a man who thought
he was gonna see tigers today.
29
00:01:10,392 --> 00:01:11,626
Which is why I'm thinking
30
00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:13,428
we just don't tell
the ghosts about it.
31
00:01:13,528 --> 00:01:15,062
But we need a cover story
32
00:01:15,063 --> 00:01:17,098
for why we're out
of town that night.
33
00:01:17,199 --> 00:01:18,933
Got it. The Knicks are
giving me a tryout
34
00:01:19,033 --> 00:01:21,270
'cause they uncovered some
of my old high school tapes.
35
00:01:21,370 --> 00:01:22,703
Swish.
36
00:01:22,704 --> 00:01:23,972
Seriously?
37
00:01:24,072 --> 00:01:25,307
I'm low on blood sugar, okay?
38
00:01:25,407 --> 00:01:26,707
This is why I need my Dots.
39
00:01:26,708 --> 00:01:29,711
Please. We're out already,
we got our jackets on...
40
00:01:29,811 --> 00:01:31,480
They got a new baby hippo.
41
00:01:31,613 --> 00:01:34,015
Okay. Fine.
42
00:01:34,816 --> 00:01:36,985
♪ ♪
43
00:01:39,721 --> 00:01:41,623
(camera beeps,
clicks)
44
00:01:41,723 --> 00:01:42,791
What's going on here?
45
00:01:42,891 --> 00:01:44,326
Oh, Bela's taking
headshots of Jay.
46
00:01:44,426 --> 00:01:46,260
He wants to be ready in
case anyone ever wants
47
00:01:46,261 --> 00:01:48,062
to write an article
about his restaurant.
48
00:01:48,163 --> 00:01:49,631
Does someone want to write an
article about the restaurant?
49
00:01:49,731 --> 00:01:52,334
No. Sadly, he's putting
the cart before the horse.
50
00:01:52,467 --> 00:01:55,604
But what he should do is
put the horse into the pie,
51
00:01:55,704 --> 00:01:57,806
and then the articles
will surely follow.
52
00:01:57,906 --> 00:01:59,574
Just got back
from the Windy City.
53
00:01:59,674 --> 00:02:00,842
Hey!
(Pete chuckles)
54
00:02:00,942 --> 00:02:02,576
Kyle and I went
on a sausage tour.
55
00:02:02,577 --> 00:02:05,314
I spent the whole weekend
smelling his kielbasa.
56
00:02:05,414 --> 00:02:07,349
Who's Kyle?
And what's a kielbasa?
57
00:02:07,482 --> 00:02:09,418
Kyle's that guy
who can see ghosts.
58
00:02:09,518 --> 00:02:10,985
He was just
here last week.
59
00:02:11,085 --> 00:02:13,388
And kielbasa is
a Polish tubed meat.
60
00:02:13,488 --> 00:02:16,391
You're hanging out with Kyle
after he did Jay so dirty?
61
00:02:16,491 --> 00:02:17,659
What? He apologized.
62
00:02:17,759 --> 00:02:19,027
And the number of Livings
who can see ghosts
63
00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:20,895
who I can hang out with
is very limited.
64
00:02:20,995 --> 00:02:23,732
Oh, Sam, congratulations,
by the way.
65
00:02:23,832 --> 00:02:25,234
Kyle tells me the
publisher is throwing you
66
00:02:25,334 --> 00:02:26,535
a big fancy book
launch party
67
00:02:26,668 --> 00:02:28,203
in Manhattan.
What?!
68
00:02:28,303 --> 00:02:30,372
(nervous chuckle) I'm pretty
sure you're mistaken, Pete.
69
00:02:30,472 --> 00:02:31,706
What? No.
Kyle talked to Bela,
70
00:02:31,806 --> 00:02:32,940
and she told him.
71
00:02:32,941 --> 00:02:34,676
Is that why you're
going to New York?
72
00:02:34,776 --> 00:02:37,144
I-I thought it was for Jay's
tryout with the Knickerbockers.
73
00:02:37,145 --> 00:02:39,848
Jay, you told Bela
about the launch party
74
00:02:39,981 --> 00:02:41,182
and she told Kyle.
75
00:02:41,316 --> 00:02:43,852
I told her off-property.
I thought that was okay.
76
00:02:43,952 --> 00:02:45,086
Bela, why are you
talking to Kyle?
77
00:02:45,186 --> 00:02:47,021
You have a boyfriend.
What?
78
00:02:47,121 --> 00:02:49,458
It never hurts to have
someone waiting in the wings.
79
00:02:49,558 --> 00:02:50,992
Eric could get
hit by a bus.
80
00:02:51,092 --> 00:02:53,495
Oh, my God. She gonna push
Eric in front of a bus.
81
00:02:53,595 --> 00:02:56,197
Will someone please
tell me what's going on?
SAMANTHA: Isaac.
82
00:02:56,331 --> 00:02:57,366
(scoffs)
83
00:02:57,499 --> 00:02:58,667
The publishing company
is throwing
84
00:02:58,767 --> 00:03:00,068
a big launch party for the book.
85
00:03:00,201 --> 00:03:01,336
I didn't say anything
86
00:03:01,436 --> 00:03:03,372
because it's out of town
and you can't go.
87
00:03:03,472 --> 00:03:05,039
I didn't want you
to feel left out.
88
00:03:05,173 --> 00:03:06,641
And yet, left out I feel.
89
00:03:06,741 --> 00:03:09,043
Like Peter from numerous
school dances growing up,
90
00:03:09,143 --> 00:03:10,211
I assume.
Hey!
91
00:03:10,345 --> 00:03:11,546
Am I wrong?
No.
92
00:03:11,646 --> 00:03:13,047
I'm sorry, Isaac.
93
00:03:13,147 --> 00:03:15,317
That makes two of us.
94
00:03:16,318 --> 00:03:18,186
♪ ♪
95
00:03:18,287 --> 00:03:20,589
PETE:
Well, that was one heck
96
00:03:20,689 --> 00:03:22,491
of a House Hunters
International episode.
97
00:03:22,591 --> 00:03:25,025
Although the postmortem
about how it was filmed
98
00:03:25,026 --> 00:03:27,861
before the hurricane
did put a damper on things.
99
00:03:27,862 --> 00:03:31,300
Well, I'm off.
I'll see you ladies later.
100
00:03:35,036 --> 00:03:36,905
What was that?
What?
101
00:03:37,038 --> 00:03:40,241
Did you just ogle
Peter's posterior?
You saw that?
102
00:03:40,342 --> 00:03:41,810
If this were a cartoon,
103
00:03:41,910 --> 00:03:44,512
your tongue would currently be
unspooling across the floor.
104
00:03:44,513 --> 00:03:45,914
Okay, fine!
105
00:03:46,014 --> 00:03:47,348
I'm hot for Pete.
106
00:03:47,349 --> 00:03:49,584
Ever since that night
he and I almost kissed.
107
00:03:49,684 --> 00:03:51,953
Facepalm Two: Peter's Revenge.
108
00:03:52,086 --> 00:03:53,388
That's what we've all
been calling it.
109
00:03:53,488 --> 00:03:54,722
I can't stop
thinking about him.
110
00:03:54,723 --> 00:03:57,058
He's a dorky travel agent
with knobby knees,
111
00:03:57,158 --> 00:04:00,128
but now all I can see is
this globe-trotting bad boy
112
00:04:00,261 --> 00:04:01,730
who ain't afraid
to show some leg!
113
00:04:01,830 --> 00:04:03,765
(gasps) I mean,
Peter? Really?
114
00:04:03,898 --> 00:04:06,167
With those high socks
and silly wordplay?
115
00:04:06,267 --> 00:04:07,636
I had a dirty dream
about him.
116
00:04:07,736 --> 00:04:09,137
I made him keep
his socks on.
117
00:04:09,237 --> 00:04:11,606
Bertie.
Promise me
118
00:04:11,706 --> 00:04:13,642
you won't say
anything to anyone.
119
00:04:13,775 --> 00:04:15,109
No, no, no, you can
trust me, Alberta.
120
00:04:15,209 --> 00:04:16,445
My son murdered someone.
121
00:04:16,545 --> 00:04:18,279
I kept that secret
for a hundred years.
122
00:04:18,413 --> 00:04:19,748
I know. It was me.
123
00:04:19,848 --> 00:04:21,483
Perhaps you aren't
the best audience
124
00:04:21,616 --> 00:04:24,152
for that particular anecdote,
but it does prove my point.
125
00:04:25,153 --> 00:04:29,256
Your shameful secret
is safe with me.
(sighs)
126
00:04:29,257 --> 00:04:31,960
SAMANTHA:
Isaac, I really do feel bad
127
00:04:32,093 --> 00:04:34,728
about the book launch
party, so...
128
00:04:34,729 --> 00:04:37,565
I convinced them to do
the party here instead.
129
00:04:37,566 --> 00:04:38,800
Surprise!
130
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:40,335
What?
131
00:04:40,435 --> 00:04:42,804
No one's ever
surprised me before.
132
00:04:42,904 --> 00:04:44,271
Except the British
at White Plains--
133
00:04:44,272 --> 00:04:46,641
which I deftly repelled
with a surrender--
134
00:04:46,741 --> 00:04:49,644
but never anything like this.
135
00:04:49,744 --> 00:04:51,480
I just called the publisher
and explained
136
00:04:51,613 --> 00:04:53,147
that I had crippling
agoraphobia,
137
00:04:53,247 --> 00:04:55,950
which I was able to back up
with a note from my therapist.
138
00:04:56,050 --> 00:04:57,785
Thank you, Thor.
You're welcome.
139
00:04:57,786 --> 00:04:59,220
Glad that Thor
eating best friend
140
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:02,491
in some small way
help you move party.
141
00:05:02,591 --> 00:05:04,592
But, Samantha, it will still be
well-attended up here, yes?
142
00:05:04,593 --> 00:05:06,094
I mean, I'm thrilled
to participate,
143
00:05:06,194 --> 00:05:07,829
but I wouldn't want
the change of venue
144
00:05:07,929 --> 00:05:10,931
to compromise the success
of the event.
145
00:05:10,932 --> 00:05:13,201
Don't worry, Isaac,
everyone is still coming.
146
00:05:13,334 --> 00:05:14,536
All the tastemakers,
147
00:05:14,669 --> 00:05:16,671
all the buyers
from the big booksellers.
148
00:05:16,771 --> 00:05:18,440
Trust me,
it's gonna be awesome.
149
00:05:18,540 --> 00:05:20,509
Of course it is. I mean,
the place is looking great.
150
00:05:20,642 --> 00:05:21,643
It's gonna be fun!
151
00:05:21,743 --> 00:05:23,444
And who doesn't like fun?
152
00:05:23,445 --> 00:05:25,714
♪ ♪
153
00:05:26,715 --> 00:05:28,282
Uh, guys...
154
00:05:28,383 --> 00:05:30,084
We got company.
155
00:05:30,184 --> 00:05:32,387
Oh! Hey, Patience.
156
00:05:32,487 --> 00:05:35,789
I smell the devil's presence.
157
00:05:35,790 --> 00:05:37,358
Okay...
158
00:05:37,492 --> 00:05:39,627
Yes. (sniffing)
159
00:05:39,628 --> 00:05:42,564
Yes. Evil is near.
160
00:05:43,398 --> 00:05:46,133
I shall snuff it out.
161
00:05:46,134 --> 00:05:48,036
Patience!
162
00:05:49,471 --> 00:05:51,072
Nice to see you, too.
163
00:05:56,945 --> 00:05:58,179
Who is this lady?
164
00:05:58,279 --> 00:05:59,981
Our editor. She's the best.
165
00:06:00,081 --> 00:06:02,517
Most of her notes concerned
things Samantha insisted upon.
166
00:06:02,651 --> 00:06:04,052
She generally loves
all my stuff.
167
00:06:04,152 --> 00:06:06,054
Are you sure
you don't want us
168
00:06:06,154 --> 00:06:08,022
to throw up some cobwebs
or some spooky stuff?
169
00:06:08,156 --> 00:06:09,691
I mean, it is
a vampire novel.
170
00:06:09,791 --> 00:06:11,826
Yeah, but this isn't Comic-Con.
171
00:06:11,926 --> 00:06:13,294
Yeah, Jay, it
isn't Comic-Con.
172
00:06:13,394 --> 00:06:15,163
This may be a YA genre novel,
173
00:06:15,263 --> 00:06:18,131
but we're hosting New York's
literary elite tonight,
174
00:06:18,132 --> 00:06:20,100
and they don't respond well
to gimmicks.
175
00:06:20,101 --> 00:06:21,369
That's the tone Sharon uses
176
00:06:21,503 --> 00:06:23,505
when she scolds Samantha
for a stray comma,
177
00:06:23,605 --> 00:06:25,874
and she uses a lot of them.
178
00:06:26,007 --> 00:06:29,143
Check out this poster.
Isaac wishes.
179
00:06:29,243 --> 00:06:32,013
That vampire would certainly
clean up with the ladies.
180
00:06:32,113 --> 00:06:33,647
Kind of like this guy
recently.
181
00:06:33,648 --> 00:06:35,383
Oh, geez, I hope it
goes well tonight.
182
00:06:35,517 --> 00:06:37,686
I mean, all these VIPs that
could make or break the book.
183
00:06:37,786 --> 00:06:39,220
Apparently, there's
a lady coming
184
00:06:39,353 --> 00:06:41,690
who has three
million followers.
FLOWER: Wow.
185
00:06:41,790 --> 00:06:45,894
Bruce only had 32 followers.
How big is her yurt?
186
00:06:45,994 --> 00:06:47,328
PATIENCE:
The evil is close.
187
00:06:47,428 --> 00:06:48,630
(all gasp)
Oh, my...
188
00:06:48,730 --> 00:06:49,798
I can sense it.
189
00:06:49,898 --> 00:06:51,131
SASAPPIS:
Patience.
190
00:06:51,132 --> 00:06:52,701
So good to see you.
191
00:06:52,801 --> 00:06:55,570
Uh, how are things in the dirt?
192
00:06:56,370 --> 00:06:57,971
What goeth on here?
193
00:06:57,972 --> 00:06:59,807
Oh, they're setting up
for a book launch party.
194
00:06:59,808 --> 00:07:01,543
Isaac and Sam wrote
a vampire novel.
195
00:07:01,643 --> 00:07:03,177
What is a vampire?
196
00:07:03,277 --> 00:07:06,014
It's an undead creature
that sucks blood
197
00:07:06,114 --> 00:07:08,016
and drains the life force
out of people.
198
00:07:08,116 --> 00:07:11,720
This party is
to celebrate the undead?
199
00:07:11,853 --> 00:07:13,187
That sounds demonic.
200
00:07:13,287 --> 00:07:16,725
I mean, we're ghosts,
so maybe don't throw stones.
201
00:07:16,825 --> 00:07:19,160
Hey, guys.
What's she doing here?
202
00:07:19,260 --> 00:07:20,394
What's going on?
203
00:07:20,529 --> 00:07:21,896
I'm talking to the ghosts,
204
00:07:21,996 --> 00:07:23,765
and I brought you over
so I don't look crazy.
205
00:07:23,865 --> 00:07:26,234
But there's a Puritan here
who lives in the dirt
206
00:07:26,334 --> 00:07:29,003
and has a history
of ruining events.
207
00:07:29,103 --> 00:07:31,873
Something brought me
from the dirt today.
208
00:07:31,973 --> 00:07:33,742
A presence most evil.
209
00:07:33,842 --> 00:07:35,409
And now that I'm here,
210
00:07:35,510 --> 00:07:37,746
I fear it is
this most unholy event
211
00:07:37,846 --> 00:07:39,113
for which you are preparing.
212
00:07:39,213 --> 00:07:41,583
Oh, no, this is
just a book party.
213
00:07:41,683 --> 00:07:44,686
(chuckles) There's not gonna be
anything unholy happening here.
214
00:07:44,786 --> 00:07:46,420
You guys got to try
these deviled eggs.
215
00:07:46,521 --> 00:07:48,790
(gasps)
The eggs of the devil!
216
00:07:48,923 --> 00:07:51,692
And lo, they're sprinkled
with the blood of the innocent.
217
00:07:51,693 --> 00:07:53,727
Pretty sure that's
just paprika.
218
00:07:53,728 --> 00:07:55,296
Listen, Patience...
Patience is here?
219
00:07:55,429 --> 00:07:57,932
She's not gonna do the
wall blood thing, is she?
220
00:07:58,066 --> 00:07:59,433
Wall blood thing?
221
00:07:59,534 --> 00:08:01,135
That is exactly
what I intend to do.
222
00:08:01,269 --> 00:08:04,738
This occult gathering
shall not occur. (inhales)
223
00:08:04,739 --> 00:08:06,374
No, no, no.
(others gasping, murmuring)
224
00:08:06,474 --> 00:08:07,776
Wait, no. You're right.
225
00:08:07,876 --> 00:08:10,144
The party totally has
satanic undertones
226
00:08:10,278 --> 00:08:11,613
that I just didn't see.
227
00:08:11,713 --> 00:08:14,048
But thank you for bringing them
to our attention.
228
00:08:14,148 --> 00:08:17,018
We are gonna call
the whole thing off right now.
Mm-hmm.
229
00:08:17,118 --> 00:08:18,419
Wait, we are?
Yes.
230
00:08:18,519 --> 00:08:20,121
Patience is heartened
231
00:08:20,221 --> 00:08:21,722
that you have
canceled your event.
232
00:08:21,723 --> 00:08:23,090
And yet,
233
00:08:23,091 --> 00:08:26,494
I still sense a strong
force of evil about.
234
00:08:27,461 --> 00:08:30,031
Perhaps I shall remain
lest the evil show itself.
235
00:08:30,131 --> 00:08:33,034
Uh, y-you know,
maybe the evil you're sensing
236
00:08:33,134 --> 00:08:34,703
is back at the house.
237
00:08:34,803 --> 00:08:36,104
Really?
238
00:08:36,204 --> 00:08:38,640
Yeah, yeah, I've been
getting strong evil vibes
239
00:08:38,740 --> 00:08:40,008
from the mansion lately.
240
00:08:40,141 --> 00:08:41,810
You know, it would be great
to have an expert come
241
00:08:41,910 --> 00:08:43,511
check it out,
maybe do a sweep?
242
00:08:43,612 --> 00:08:45,346
I suppose I could investigate.
243
00:08:45,446 --> 00:08:47,816
Thank you. You're a lifesaver.
244
00:08:47,916 --> 00:08:49,150
Patience will not fail you.
245
00:08:49,283 --> 00:08:51,085
Cool.
May I?
246
00:08:51,185 --> 00:08:52,654
Oh, yes.
That woman's about to
eat the devil's egg.
247
00:08:52,787 --> 00:08:54,322
She will carry his spawn!
248
00:08:54,455 --> 00:08:55,756
(grunts) What the...
249
00:08:55,757 --> 00:08:58,559
Sorry, I saw some
shell in there.
250
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:02,130
(sighs)
Another soul saved.
251
00:09:02,230 --> 00:09:04,598
HETTY:
Was he making puns
252
00:09:04,599 --> 00:09:06,000
in the dirty dream?
253
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:07,434
I said I don't want
to discuss it anymore.
254
00:09:07,435 --> 00:09:10,071
But yes, there was a lot of talk
about his arrow.
255
00:09:10,171 --> 00:09:11,305
(gasps)
256
00:09:11,405 --> 00:09:13,307
Greetings.
Oh, God. What's she doing here?
257
00:09:13,407 --> 00:09:15,209
I mean... (chuckles) Hey, girl.
258
00:09:15,309 --> 00:09:18,278
So, guys, Patience showed up
at the book launch.
Mm-hmm.
259
00:09:18,279 --> 00:09:22,016
And helpfully identified
the proceedings as evil.
260
00:09:22,116 --> 00:09:24,518
So with that
taken care of,
261
00:09:24,653 --> 00:09:27,521
we thought maybe Patience
could help expose
262
00:09:27,656 --> 00:09:29,691
and clean up
any evil here
263
00:09:29,791 --> 00:09:31,225
in the house.
264
00:09:31,359 --> 00:09:32,894
Away from the barn.
265
00:09:33,027 --> 00:09:34,696
(gasps)
Oh, yeah.
266
00:09:34,796 --> 00:09:36,296
You know, now that
you mention it,
267
00:09:36,297 --> 00:09:39,668
that, uh, vase seems
pretty evil.
268
00:09:39,768 --> 00:09:41,069
Mm.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
269
00:09:41,169 --> 00:09:42,036
(gasps)
270
00:09:42,170 --> 00:09:44,005
No. No, I'm not sensing
271
00:09:44,105 --> 00:09:45,940
the devil's hand at play
in that vase.
272
00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:48,943
Okay... but-but that.
273
00:09:49,043 --> 00:09:50,078
Oh.
Oh.
274
00:09:50,178 --> 00:09:51,579
Yeah, that thing screams evil.
275
00:09:51,713 --> 00:09:53,247
I mean, look at it.
276
00:09:54,382 --> 00:09:56,885
No. 'Tis just a toy.
277
00:09:56,985 --> 00:09:58,419
It seems nothing
in this house
278
00:09:58,519 --> 00:10:00,487
requires my righteous
intervention.
279
00:10:00,488 --> 00:10:02,623
Perhaps I should return
to the barn
280
00:10:02,724 --> 00:10:05,994
to ensure the devilish mirth
hath fully ceased.
281
00:10:06,094 --> 00:10:07,428
(straining)
282
00:10:08,062 --> 00:10:10,531
Alberta's been having
impure thoughts about Peter.
283
00:10:10,631 --> 00:10:11,933
What the hell, Hetty?!
284
00:10:12,066 --> 00:10:13,634
Wait, what?
What?
285
00:10:13,735 --> 00:10:15,036
She's been obsessed
286
00:10:15,136 --> 00:10:16,837
since she tried to kiss him
and he face-palmed her.
287
00:10:16,838 --> 00:10:18,973
And it just,
it seems really sinful.
288
00:10:19,073 --> 00:10:22,243
And-and-and perhaps something
that you could help smite.
289
00:10:23,377 --> 00:10:25,613
He... face-palmed you?
290
00:10:25,714 --> 00:10:27,248
Oh, my God, this is a nightmare.
291
00:10:27,348 --> 00:10:30,985
There is something we can do
that shall rid you of this evil.
292
00:10:31,085 --> 00:10:33,187
I'm good.
Alberta!
293
00:10:33,287 --> 00:10:37,691
Patience is willing to
help you here in the house.
294
00:10:37,692 --> 00:10:39,928
No matter how long
that may take.
295
00:10:41,129 --> 00:10:42,130
Fine.
296
00:10:42,263 --> 00:10:45,233
Hallelujah!
I'm so excited.
297
00:10:46,034 --> 00:10:49,170
But not too excited,
for to be so is a sin.
298
00:10:50,404 --> 00:10:51,973
(lively chatter)
299
00:10:52,106 --> 00:10:53,942
ISAAC:
I can't believe Patience.
300
00:10:54,075 --> 00:10:55,443
What did I ever do to her?
301
00:10:55,543 --> 00:10:57,145
Well, you did sneeze
and let go of her hand,
302
00:10:57,278 --> 00:10:59,613
abandoning her to the dirt
for over a century.
303
00:10:59,714 --> 00:11:01,215
That feral Puritan
almost ruined
304
00:11:01,315 --> 00:11:02,884
my book's chances
of becoming a bestseller.
305
00:11:02,984 --> 00:11:06,154
And, with the grace of God,
a lavish Broadway musical.
306
00:11:06,254 --> 00:11:07,621
(gasps) I wonder
if Samantha could get
307
00:11:07,722 --> 00:11:09,791
the Tonys relocated
to this barn.
308
00:11:09,891 --> 00:11:11,826
Patience crazy.
She find evil in things
309
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,162
as innocent as picnic or orgy.
310
00:11:14,262 --> 00:11:17,597
Point is, sometimes things
just good clean fun.
311
00:11:17,598 --> 00:11:21,101
Right? There's nothing evil
going on here.
312
00:11:21,102 --> 00:11:23,504
So, what part of the city
do you live in?
313
00:11:23,637 --> 00:11:25,306
Mm. Hell's Kitchen.
314
00:11:25,406 --> 00:11:27,608
(maniacal laughter)
315
00:11:29,878 --> 00:11:33,714
Alberta, are you ready
to confess in detail
316
00:11:33,815 --> 00:11:36,950
all your most impure thoughts
regarding Peter?
317
00:11:36,951 --> 00:11:38,452
Yep, let's get
this over with.
318
00:11:38,552 --> 00:11:40,855
But do these two
really need to be here?
319
00:11:40,955 --> 00:11:42,824
It's not a Day of Humiliation
without witnesses.
320
00:11:42,957 --> 00:11:46,060
A day of what?
Come in, everyone!
It's time.
321
00:11:46,961 --> 00:11:49,530
Come in. That's it.
That's it.
322
00:11:49,663 --> 00:11:51,032
Make sure you can see.
323
00:11:51,132 --> 00:11:52,867
She can't feel your judgment
if she can't see you.
324
00:11:53,001 --> 00:11:54,335
ALBERTA:
Seriously?
325
00:11:54,468 --> 00:11:56,670
You want me to spill my guts
in front of Creepy Dirk?
326
00:11:56,771 --> 00:11:58,506
Why am I being
singled out?
327
00:11:58,639 --> 00:12:01,042
He's actually quite
an empathetic listener.
328
00:12:01,142 --> 00:12:04,012
In the Puritan community,
we believed
329
00:12:04,112 --> 00:12:05,946
that the surest way
to rid oneself
330
00:12:05,947 --> 00:12:09,851
of impure urges was
to declare them publicly.
331
00:12:09,951 --> 00:12:13,254
All right, let's do it!
Let her rip.
332
00:12:14,522 --> 00:12:17,657
(sighs) Okay, um...
333
00:12:17,658 --> 00:12:19,828
Ah, screw it.
What the hell?
334
00:12:19,928 --> 00:12:22,230
I've had lustful thoughts
about Pete.
335
00:12:22,330 --> 00:12:23,231
(all gasp)
336
00:12:23,331 --> 00:12:25,166
And I can't seem
to stop them.
337
00:12:25,266 --> 00:12:27,334
I thought it started
a couple weeks ago
338
00:12:27,335 --> 00:12:29,669
when I saw this
different side of him.
339
00:12:29,670 --> 00:12:32,440
(chuckles)
This "bad boy" side.
340
00:12:32,540 --> 00:12:33,707
But the truth is,
341
00:12:33,842 --> 00:12:36,945
maybe these feelings
have always been there
342
00:12:37,045 --> 00:12:39,080
and I just didn't
want to see them.
343
00:12:39,180 --> 00:12:42,583
When I first met him,
I thought he was nice.
344
00:12:42,716 --> 00:12:44,517
But maybe too nice.
345
00:12:44,518 --> 00:12:46,921
Never the type of guy
I would ever go for,
346
00:12:47,055 --> 00:12:49,390
so I kept him
at arm's length.
347
00:12:50,224 --> 00:12:51,592
But maybe...
348
00:12:51,692 --> 00:12:55,729
all I was really
denying was myself.
349
00:12:55,864 --> 00:12:58,900
'Cause I'm starting to
think a guy like Pete
350
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,768
is exactly what I need.
351
00:13:00,869 --> 00:13:03,071
(sighs) But I blew it.
352
00:13:03,171 --> 00:13:04,772
I waited until
he had a girlfriend
353
00:13:04,906 --> 00:13:06,240
before I took my shot.
354
00:13:06,340 --> 00:13:10,478
So I guess, shame on me.
355
00:13:12,413 --> 00:13:14,615
♪ ♪
356
00:13:17,685 --> 00:13:18,886
PATIENCE:
Yes.
357
00:13:18,887 --> 00:13:20,821
Shame on you.
358
00:13:20,922 --> 00:13:22,290
Shame!
359
00:13:23,257 --> 00:13:25,259
Shame!
360
00:13:25,393 --> 00:13:26,460
Everyone.
361
00:13:26,594 --> 00:13:29,830
ALL:
Shame! Shame!
362
00:13:29,931 --> 00:13:31,432
Shame!
363
00:13:31,532 --> 00:13:33,733
Oh, my God, Kyle, get this.
364
00:13:33,734 --> 00:13:37,138
The ghosts brought this, like,
Puritan lady back to the house
365
00:13:37,271 --> 00:13:40,041
to distract her so she won't
ruin the book launch party.
366
00:13:40,141 --> 00:13:42,042
I just came by the house
to grab something,
367
00:13:42,043 --> 00:13:43,543
but I'm heading
back there now.
368
00:13:43,544 --> 00:13:45,546
No, no, no. They told her
they canceled the party,
369
00:13:45,646 --> 00:13:47,247
but then they just, like,
went ahead with it.
370
00:13:47,248 --> 00:13:49,216
Patience hath been tricked?
371
00:13:49,217 --> 00:13:50,583
Uh-oh.
372
00:13:50,584 --> 00:13:53,854
Patience will not
stand for this.
373
00:13:53,955 --> 00:13:55,656
Patience! (sighs)
374
00:13:55,756 --> 00:13:58,292
(panicked whimpering)
Wait!
375
00:14:00,194 --> 00:14:02,395
I've had impure thoughts
about Catherine!
376
00:14:02,396 --> 00:14:04,498
Don't do this, Stuart.
377
00:14:10,271 --> 00:14:11,572
ISAAC:
Keep going, Samantha.
378
00:14:11,705 --> 00:14:13,341
They're loving
this excerpt you're reading.
379
00:14:13,441 --> 00:14:14,708
"Isaac and his fellow patriots
crept onto the vessel
380
00:14:14,808 --> 00:14:16,077
"under cover of darkness.
381
00:14:16,210 --> 00:14:18,545
"The Boston Blood Party
was about to begin.
382
00:14:18,546 --> 00:14:21,582
"'No exsanguination
without representation,'
383
00:14:21,682 --> 00:14:23,850
"shouted Captain Higgintooth
at the Redcoats,
384
00:14:23,851 --> 00:14:26,420
who howled impotently
at the moon."
385
00:14:26,520 --> 00:14:29,389
So we're...
the werewolves?
386
00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:31,859
I'm having trouble
following.
387
00:14:33,094 --> 00:14:34,295
Oh, crap.
388
00:14:36,897 --> 00:14:38,731
"...said Captain Higgintooth
389
00:14:38,732 --> 00:14:41,135
a-as he heaved his barrel
into the bay."
390
00:14:41,235 --> 00:14:43,037
We try to stop her,
Samantha.
391
00:14:43,137 --> 00:14:45,738
If you won't put an end
to this demonic gathering,
392
00:14:45,739 --> 00:14:47,541
then I shall.
393
00:14:48,609 --> 00:14:50,044
(growling)
394
00:14:50,144 --> 00:14:53,281
(crowd gasping, murmuring)
395
00:14:54,615 --> 00:14:56,883
Okay, um...
396
00:14:56,884 --> 00:14:59,153
(growling)
397
00:15:01,222 --> 00:15:03,291
(sighs)
398
00:15:04,158 --> 00:15:06,460
So cool! Right?
399
00:15:06,594 --> 00:15:08,796
(nervous chuckle)
Oh, wow.
400
00:15:08,929 --> 00:15:11,132
Oh, this is so cool.
401
00:15:12,166 --> 00:15:13,701
Blood!
402
00:15:13,801 --> 00:15:15,236
Because vampires.
403
00:15:15,336 --> 00:15:17,671
That's clever. (laughs)
404
00:15:17,805 --> 00:15:19,140
Where does the
blood come from?
405
00:15:19,273 --> 00:15:22,743
We don't ask that question.
There are no good answers.
406
00:15:24,145 --> 00:15:25,912
Huzzah!
407
00:15:25,913 --> 00:15:29,183
(laughing)
Yes, stand!
408
00:15:29,317 --> 00:15:31,251
(frustrated groaning)
409
00:15:31,252 --> 00:15:35,523
Thank you! Thank you so much.
410
00:15:38,259 --> 00:15:39,327
(sniffing)
411
00:15:39,427 --> 00:15:40,861
ALBERTA:
Nancy?
412
00:15:40,961 --> 00:15:43,930
Oh, oh. Alberta, hey!
413
00:15:43,931 --> 00:15:45,666
I was just smelling
a block of cheese.
414
00:15:45,799 --> 00:15:47,335
(chuckles)
How'd you know it was me?
415
00:15:47,468 --> 00:15:49,102
I, uh, recognized
one of your foot sores.
416
00:15:49,103 --> 00:15:53,007
Oh, yeah, that's
a distinctive one. Thank you.
417
00:15:53,107 --> 00:15:55,043
Have you seen Pete anywhere?
Yeah.
418
00:15:55,176 --> 00:15:56,710
I think he fled the property.
419
00:15:56,844 --> 00:15:59,680
What?
It was right after
your Day of Humiliation speech.
420
00:15:59,813 --> 00:16:01,915
He said something about
having to get out of here.
421
00:16:02,016 --> 00:16:03,551
And then he just booked it.
422
00:16:03,684 --> 00:16:05,586
Those little twigs
can move fast.
423
00:16:05,686 --> 00:16:08,022
Oh, my God. I scared him away.
424
00:16:08,122 --> 00:16:09,390
It was pretty intense.
425
00:16:09,490 --> 00:16:13,126
Not defending the guy,
but you laid a lot on him.
426
00:16:13,127 --> 00:16:15,996
I'm such an idiot.
Damn it, Alberta.
427
00:16:16,097 --> 00:16:18,599
This is what you get
for being vulnerable.
428
00:16:18,699 --> 00:16:21,402
Oh, okay...
429
00:16:22,870 --> 00:16:24,372
There, there?
430
00:16:24,472 --> 00:16:28,209
Sorry, I'm not the greatest
in situations like these.
431
00:16:29,243 --> 00:16:31,445
You know who
you should talk to?
432
00:16:31,545 --> 00:16:32,979
Creepy Dirk.
433
00:16:32,980 --> 00:16:34,981
He's a very empathetic listener.
434
00:16:34,982 --> 00:16:36,717
(sighs)
435
00:16:36,817 --> 00:16:39,587
To Isaac Higgintooth:
Colonial Vampire.
436
00:16:39,687 --> 00:16:41,322
May the sales
of this book begin
437
00:16:41,422 --> 00:16:44,491
to remotely offset the amount
of money we've lost on ghosts.
438
00:16:44,492 --> 00:16:47,095
Proud of you, babe.
SAMANTHA: Thank you, sweetie.
439
00:16:47,228 --> 00:16:48,596
And thank you, Samantha.
440
00:16:48,729 --> 00:16:53,134
Meant the world to see
the crowd reacting to our words.
441
00:16:53,234 --> 00:16:55,503
Mostly my words,
but you did type them.
442
00:16:55,603 --> 00:16:57,705
(laughs)
Jay, can you believe we're here
443
00:16:57,805 --> 00:17:00,441
in your restaurant
celebrating my book?
444
00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:01,742
We have come a long way.
445
00:17:01,842 --> 00:17:03,444
JAY: I know, like,
we've had our ups and downs,
446
00:17:03,577 --> 00:17:05,846
but it's feeling like everything
is starting to click for us.
447
00:17:05,946 --> 00:17:06,880
JILLIAN:
Hi.
448
00:17:06,980 --> 00:17:09,250
Just wanted to say,
great party.
449
00:17:09,383 --> 00:17:10,751
The book looks really fun.
450
00:17:10,851 --> 00:17:12,953
Thank you. I'm Sam.
This is my husband Jay.
451
00:17:13,087 --> 00:17:14,722
He's actually the man
I came over here to talk to.
452
00:17:14,822 --> 00:17:15,956
Jillian Klein.
453
00:17:16,056 --> 00:17:17,557
Food editor,
New York Mag.
454
00:17:17,558 --> 00:17:20,194
Just wanted to say the food
tonight was outstanding.
455
00:17:20,294 --> 00:17:22,130
Oh, my God, thank you.
456
00:17:22,230 --> 00:17:23,631
We've actually been
talking about Mahesh
457
00:17:23,764 --> 00:17:24,998
in some of our internals.
458
00:17:25,099 --> 00:17:27,067
Anyway, we'd love to do
a cover story on you
459
00:17:27,168 --> 00:17:28,802
and the restaurant,
if you're interested.
460
00:17:28,902 --> 00:17:32,206
That's amazing. That...
It's literally, like, my dream.
461
00:17:32,306 --> 00:17:34,541
How do you even know
about the restaurant?
462
00:17:34,542 --> 00:17:36,444
Well, to be honest,
it wasn't really on our radar,
463
00:17:36,577 --> 00:17:37,945
being all the way out here.
464
00:17:38,045 --> 00:17:41,248
But your publicist, he made
a really persuasive case.
465
00:17:41,249 --> 00:17:43,617
And he was right.
Let's be in touch.
466
00:17:43,751 --> 00:17:44,952
Okay.
467
00:17:45,052 --> 00:17:47,387
(chuckles) Did you sign
with a publicist?
468
00:17:47,388 --> 00:17:49,357
Yeah, I didn't want to tell you
'cause I was too embarrassed,
469
00:17:49,457 --> 00:17:50,891
but then I thought,
what the hell?
470
00:17:50,991 --> 00:17:52,425
Hello, Jay.
471
00:17:52,426 --> 00:17:53,760
(all gasping)
Oh, no.
472
00:17:53,761 --> 00:17:55,228
JAY:
Speak of the devil.
473
00:17:55,229 --> 00:17:57,165
Here he is now.
Oh, my God!
474
00:17:57,298 --> 00:17:59,400
What's wrong, babe?
This is Elias Woodstone.
475
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:00,801
JAY:
What? No.
476
00:18:00,901 --> 00:18:03,003
This is Brent,
my publicist.
No.
477
00:18:03,137 --> 00:18:04,438
This is Hetty's husband,
478
00:18:04,538 --> 00:18:06,240
who was also a ghost
that went to hell
479
00:18:06,340 --> 00:18:09,310
but now apparently
has taken human form?
480
00:18:09,443 --> 00:18:10,844
He got a promotion in hell,
481
00:18:10,944 --> 00:18:12,846
and now he can
pose as a Living
482
00:18:12,980 --> 00:18:14,247
to reap souls.
483
00:18:14,248 --> 00:18:16,016
He told us a few weeks
ago when he popped by.
484
00:18:16,116 --> 00:18:19,820
In retrospect, we probably
should've mentioned something.
485
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:21,822
You think?
What is going on?
486
00:18:21,922 --> 00:18:23,657
ELIAS: Your wife is
correct, actually.
487
00:18:23,757 --> 00:18:25,193
Although you know me
as Brent McAffee,
488
00:18:25,326 --> 00:18:26,860
a hardworking publicist,
489
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:30,231
I am in fact Elias Woodstone,
an emissary for the devil.
490
00:18:30,331 --> 00:18:32,465
No...
ELIAS: When you
signed the contract
491
00:18:32,466 --> 00:18:35,203
to hire me, in exchange for
making your dreams come true,
492
00:18:35,303 --> 00:18:37,437
I secured your soul for Satan.
493
00:18:37,438 --> 00:18:39,173
Seriously?
494
00:18:39,273 --> 00:18:41,041
Jay, you have to read
the fine print.
495
00:18:41,141 --> 00:18:42,510
I told you all I would not rest
496
00:18:42,610 --> 00:18:44,044
until I reaped a soul
from this house.
497
00:18:44,178 --> 00:18:47,281
Oh, I wonder if this is the evil
Patience was sensing.
498
00:18:47,381 --> 00:18:49,983
The little dirt troll
was right all along.
499
00:18:50,083 --> 00:18:52,285
So, what does this mean, Elias?
Wh-When Jay dies,
500
00:18:52,286 --> 00:18:54,621
is he going to hell?
ELIAS: Exactly.
501
00:18:54,622 --> 00:18:57,057
By the way, you're welcome
for the cover story.
502
00:18:57,191 --> 00:19:00,728
And it's looking good for
an appearance on Kelly Clarkson.
503
00:19:00,861 --> 00:19:02,029
What? No, I want out.
504
00:19:02,129 --> 00:19:03,964
Forget the cover story.
I want my soul.
505
00:19:04,064 --> 00:19:06,700
Hmm. Unfortunately,
what's done is done.
506
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,969
What's important for you
is to relax
507
00:19:09,069 --> 00:19:11,905
and enjoy what little time
you have left to live.
508
00:19:12,005 --> 00:19:13,207
What do you mean
"little time"?
509
00:19:13,307 --> 00:19:15,342
I-I'm still young.
I'm in good shape.
510
00:19:15,343 --> 00:19:17,911
Not sure that true.
He mostly Sonic at this point.
511
00:19:18,011 --> 00:19:19,312
ELIAS:
Well, you are young,
512
00:19:19,313 --> 00:19:21,715
but we have ways of
speeding things along.
513
00:19:21,815 --> 00:19:23,150
(creaking)
Look out!
514
00:19:23,251 --> 00:19:25,519
(screams)
Oh!
515
00:19:27,221 --> 00:19:28,556
Hmm, rats.
516
00:19:28,656 --> 00:19:30,591
Thought I'd get him
on the first try.
517
00:19:30,724 --> 00:19:31,992
Oh, well.
518
00:19:32,092 --> 00:19:33,693
See you soon.
519
00:19:33,694 --> 00:19:36,730
♪ ♪
520
00:19:36,830 --> 00:19:38,766
I'll get you
a quote on that.
521
00:19:47,241 --> 00:19:48,542
Alberta...
522
00:19:48,642 --> 00:19:51,078
Pete, uh-uh, I'm gonna
stop you right there.
523
00:19:51,178 --> 00:19:53,614
All that stuff
I said before,
524
00:19:53,747 --> 00:19:56,683
I was just going along with it
to distract Patience.
525
00:19:56,684 --> 00:19:58,586
I didn't really mean
any of it.
526
00:19:58,686 --> 00:20:00,288
So if we could
just forget it.
527
00:20:00,388 --> 00:20:02,923
I don't want to forget it.
I want to talk about it.
528
00:20:03,023 --> 00:20:05,259
Pete, you literally
fled the property.
529
00:20:05,359 --> 00:20:07,495
You've been gone
for two days.
530
00:20:07,595 --> 00:20:09,129
So let's just move on.
531
00:20:09,229 --> 00:20:13,267
The reason I left was because
I had to go talk to Donna.
532
00:20:13,367 --> 00:20:15,067
To tell her
that I can't see her anymore.
533
00:20:15,068 --> 00:20:16,736
Because there's something
I have to do.
534
00:20:16,737 --> 00:20:18,171
What?
535
00:20:18,272 --> 00:20:19,973
This.
536
00:20:25,379 --> 00:20:26,714
Oh, my.
537
00:20:27,481 --> 00:20:31,151
Lip strength.
That's from my oboe days.
538
00:20:32,252 --> 00:20:34,588
So, what did I miss
while I was gone?
539
00:20:34,688 --> 00:20:37,791
Well, a couple things.
540
00:20:37,925 --> 00:20:40,727
JAY: Sam, I'm afraid
to use the toaster!
541
00:20:40,728 --> 00:20:42,830
Sam? I can't live like this!
542
00:20:49,102 --> 00:20:52,105
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
543
00:20:52,205 --> 00:20:54,875
and TOYOTA.
544
00:20:54,975 --> 00:20:58,412
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
37640
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