Original subtitles

[male narrator] And now here they are

the most daredevil group of daffy drivers

to ever whirl their wheels in the Wacky Races

competing for the title of the world's wackiest racer.

The cars are approaching the starting line.

First is the Turbo Terrific driven by Peter Perfect.

Next, Rufus Ruff Cut and Sawtooth in the Buzz Wagon.

Maneuvering for a position is the Army Surplus Special.

Right behind is the Anthill Mob in their Bulletproof Bomb.

And there's the ingenious inventor

Pat Pending, in his Convert-A-Car.

Oh, and here's the lovely Penelope Pitstop

the glamour gal of the gas pedal.

Next is the Boulder mobile with

the Slag Brothers, Rock and Gravel.

Lurching along is the Creepy Coupe and the Gruesome Twosome.

And right on their tail is the Red Max.

And there's the Arkansas chugga-Bug

with Luke and Blubber Bear.

Sneaking along last is that mean machine

with those double-dealing do-badders

Dick Dastardly and his sidekick, Muttley.

And even now they're up to some dirty trick

and they're off to a standing start.

And why not? They've been chained to a post

by shifty Dick Dastardly, who shifts into the wrong gear.

And away they go, on the way-out Wacky Races.

[male narrator] As we join the Wacky Racers

they are wending their wacky way up

the precipitous peaks of Pikers Peak

toward today's finish line in Mishmash, Missouri!

In the lead is car number one, the Slag Brothers

followed by Penelope Pitstop.

Number two, the Creepy Coupe. Look out! Whoops!

The Creepy Coupe flew the coop right out of the race. Ha ha!

♪♪

Now, the Creepy Coupe has flown right back

into the Wacky Race again.

Here's the Anthill Mob

and Peter Perfect is out to pass it

really way out!

And Professor Pat Pending

finds himself way up in the air in that beautiful balloon!

As Rufus Ruff Cut roars around the ridge.

And here comes Red Max.

Oh! The old Haybaler ain't what she used to be!

Max will have to bale out!

Five, six, seven, eight, nine... ten.

[male narrator] Last and least desirable, the double zeroes.

Dick Dastardly and Muttley. Get a late start, Dastardly?

Yeah.

Last night, I had Muttley here let the air out of the tires.

And guess whose tires got it?

[sniggering]

Cut that out!

Slurp

And cut that out!

Here, do something right for a change!

Give them the old, phony fire-engine bit.

[siren blaring]

♪♪

[gibberish]

Where I come from

we call that a low-down, Yankee carpetbagger trick.

Gets them every time. He he!

[sniggering]

Hmm.

Which way do we go?

Let me have a look at that map.

We're supposed to take the left road

but if we cheat, taking the right road, we get there faster.

We won't take the left road, that is the right road

we'll take the right road which is the wrong road, right?

[grunts]

Zoom

Column left!

Did you say left, Sarge?

- Right! - Oh! Right!

No!

Meekly!

Meekly. Come back here!

[male narrator] Meanwhile, on the wrong road

the Arkansas chugga-Bug barrels along!

[groaning]

Screech

crash

What in tarnation is going on around here?

[muttering]

Oh! I get it, which way do we go?

Relax, they don't call me Hound Dog Luke for nothing!

[sniffing]

[muttering]

They went that-a-way!

[male narrator] Meanwhile, back on the right road

it's the Slag Brothers with a slight lead.

But here comes the lovely Penelope Pitstop

to challenge them.

[speaking gibberish]

While the Slag Brothers settle their little difference

Penelope takes over first place

followed by the Anthill Mob!

I do declare, this wind doesn't help my little old complexion.

I think I'll have me a little old mud-pack facial.

Oh, my, that is so soothing!

A little more beauty mud, please.

Splash

Not that much, silly.

Now I'll have to take a little old bubble bath.

[humming]

[male narrator] Uh-oh! Something's gone wrong with Peter Perfect's car.

Peter Perfect is moving up and zooms into first place.

Crash

Well, while Peter Perfect checks his road maps again

stay tuned for more of the Wacky Racers.

[male narrator] While the rest of the Wacky Racers

are racing along the right road

Dick Dastardly has taken a sneaky side road.

Muttley, we've got this race in the bag!

He he! Who says only good guys win?

Not now, Muttley, stop bothering me

can't you see I'm driving?

No, don't tell me that someone else took the sneaky road, too?

What's the matter with you why didn't you tell me?

[muttering]

Okay! Okay! What a grouch!

Wow! What a keen booby trap!

Wish I'd thought of it!

You're trespassing on McLod territory, stranger!

Stranger? I'm no stranger.

Well, you sure ain't no kinfolk of mine!

I am so!

Don't you notice the family resemblance, cousin?

I've come to warn you, cousin

that there's some strangers coming up

the trail right behind me!

You mean there was some strangers!

[laughing]

That takes care of those characters.

Well don't just sit there, Muttley!

Start putting the car back together.

[muttering]

The side bolt connected to the front bolt

the front bolt connected to the back bolt

the back bolt connected to the neck bolt...

[male narrator] As we pick up the Wacky Racers on our radarscope we see--

What's going here?

Looks like one of our Wacky Racers has gone wacky!

Oh! It's only a wacky fly.

But speaking of Wacky Racers, here's the Creepy Coupe

with jet-assist Dragon Breath out in front.

Professor Pat Pending is sailing along with the breeze.

But here comes Red Max leaping for the lead.

What a performance, the Creepy Coupe gives him a big hand!

The Creepy Coupe still clings

to its lead in the Wacky Race

but the Wacky Professor, Pat Pending

comes up with another wacky invention!

The convertible turtle top!

And away he goes.

Are we still lost, Private Meekly?

Don't you know we got a race to win?

I'll ask that fellow up ahead where we are, Sarge!

I'll fix those ding-busted strangers!

Crash

[laughing]

Well, that took care of one of them!

Faster, Muttley!

[sniggering]

Pesky strangers. Here's some more.

Well, I swear. Howdy, Cousin Elmer, long time no see!

Well, bust my suspenders! If it ain't Cousin Luke.

- Howdy, Cousin. - Howdy.

And this must be Cousin Fudd, howdy!

That ain't Cousin Fudd, Elmer, that's a bear.

Well, he sure looks like Cousin Fudd!

There's another cousin up the road a piece!

Get in, Muttley, we gotta get out of here

before that dumb hillbilly gets wise!

That low-down, cheating varmint ain't no kin of ours.

Uh-oh! Let's go!

Dag-blasted, doggone, horn-swaggled

no good city slicker.

[male narrator] And so, as the cars roar into the final mile of the race

car number seven, the Anthill Mob, is first

but the Slag Brothers are moving into the lead.

[muttering]

Okay, Ring-a-Ding, give them the old rat-a-tat!

Sure thing, boss.

[male narrator] Now its car number seven in the lead.

But here comes Peter Perfect in car number nine...

...and he rockets into the lead

and heads for the finish line like a comet!

But wait, what's that?

There's a little kitten wandering onto the track.

Peter hits his brakes.

And it's a tough break for Peter Perfect

as Professor Pat Pending

in car number three finishes first.

Penelope Pitstop is second, the Creepy Coupe is third.

Nice kitty!

[male narrator] And speaking of kitties--

Ha ha! Look at what the cat dragged in last

droopy Dick Dastardly!

Oh, drat!

[sniggering]

[male narrator] And away go the Wacky Racers

on another lap of the wild Wacky Race

this time to the little town of Baked, Idaho.

Each one is determined to be a Wacky winner.

And just as determined to stop them is that wacky villain...

I mean that wacky villain Dick Dastardly.

Drat! I'll win yet!

[male narrator] And his sleazy, wheezy buddy, Muttley.

[sniggering]

♪♪

Purring along with a comfortable lead

Penelope Pitstop in number five decides to make

a few makeup repairs.

While in second place, the Slag brothers

are trying for some quick motor repairs.

Now storming into the lead is the Creepy Coupe.

And boiling past the Creepy Coupe is the Arkansas Chugabug.

[bawling]

Let go of me, you gosh-dang blubbering bear.

[male narrator] Hold everything! What's that up above?

Don't tell me it's Dick Dastardly.

Well, it's not your Aunt Matilda.

[sniggering]

Alright, Muttley, lower that block of concrete.

That will block the road

and block those blockheads from winning the race.

Drat! It's stuck!

I'll have to force it down.

Oh, no! Here they come!

Drat! Drat! Drat!

Drat and double drat!

Drat!

[male narrator] Back to the Wacky Racers.

Number eight is still in the lead.

Make a parsnip sandwich, Blubber.

I got me the hungries. And heavy on the pepper.

And there goes number eight, heading for last place.

Number eight has hit number nine.

Number nine hits number seven.

Seven hits one.

One hits four.

Four hits three.

Three hits six.

Folks, it's a chain reaction.

Wow, they're all out for repairs.

Except number five, Penelope Pitstop...

who again takes the lead in the Wacky Race.

So long, fellas. See y'all!

Oh, yeah? She won't have the lead for long.

Stay here, Muttley. I'll give her my Red Riding Hood routine.

[sniggering]

Won't someone help Little Red Riding Hood?

Why, it's little old Red Riding Hood.

What can I do for you, little old Red Riding Hood?

Could you take these cookies to Granny's house?

- I'm late for a date. - Of course I will, honey.

I got plenty of time.

Be sure and take the shortcut to Granny's.

And thank you ever so much.

You're welcome, honey.

Of course, we'll get there before she does.

[sniggering]

[male narrator] If you want to see a switch on

the Little Red Riding Hood story, folks

just stay tuned for part two of the Wacky Racers.

♪♪

You know what to do with this wolf suit, Muttley.

I'm going through the back window.

[sniggering]

There's little old Grandma's house.

I better hurry and get back in the race.

Come in.

Here's your little old cookies, Grandma.

Oh, my! That's the wolf. You'd better hide in the closet.

[sniggering]

[Penelope] Don't you worry, little old Grandma.

I'll take care of that old wolf.

The wolf won't bother you anymore, Grandma.

You better hide in the closet, anyway.

Penelope's car.

I'd better check and see if she's alright.

[Penelope] Go away, you old wolf!

I can take a hint.

Goodbye, little old Granny.

Why don't you go out through that little old side door?

It's quicker.

I'll do that little old thing.

Aha!

By the time you get out of here, the race will be over.

[laughing]

I think I'll pay Grandma a visit.

She digs that

oh-what-big-teeth-you-have routine.

Hey! You ain't Grandma!

My, what big teeth you have.

[wolf] Out!

[Penelope] Help! Let me out!

Oh, goody! Red Riding Hood's here.

Come out, my dear.

[Penelope] Take that, that, and that!

I don't know little old you.

Well, I know one thing. I'm in the wrong story.

I just hope I can still win the little old Wacky Race.

[male narrator] Meanwhile, the Wacky Racers fight for the lead

in the Wacky Race.

Alright, you guys, into getaway power.

The Red Max is on our tail.

Oh, no, you don't!

[male narrator] Now the Red Max is shifting to superprop power.

And he's going to be hard to stop with that superpower.

And it's number four leading the--

And here comes the Army Surplus six.

Scram, you guys! Scatter!

[male narrator] Hold it!

What dastardly crime are you up to now, Dick Dastardly?

A foolproof way to win this Wacky Race, that's what.

[laughing]

When they see a cattle, they detour, and I win!

- You fiend! - I know it. Ha ha!

Quick! Make like cattle crossing.

[sniggering]

Moo-moo-moo!

[sniggering]

It worked.

Oh, no!

They're coming back. Stop, I say.

I am a cattle crossing.

[cow mooing]

What's that?

[grunting]

[male narrator] And here are the Wacky Racers again...

with Rufus Roughcut, number ten, out in front.

But wait a minute, there's a giant boulder

blocking the road.

And Rufus Roughcut's not stopping.

He's heading straight for it...

...and he's boring straight through.

And here come the Slag brothers.

They're not stopping, either.

And now it's Professor Pat Pending.

And nothing is stopping the Professor, either.

Here's the finish line at the town of Baked, Idaho.

It's number ten and number one and number three

each fighting for the lead.

It looks like number three, folks.

No, number ten. And it's...

number one in front!

That's official. The Slag brothers are the winners.

The Buzzwagon is second, and the Convert-a-Car is third.

Meanwhile, meet a real loser: Dick Dastardly.

Keep running, Muttley! Keep running!

He's got to run out of gas some time!

And they're off again!

The Wacky Race goes on and on. Each driver determined to win.

Maneuvering for position

looking for the opening that will put him in the lead.

The Anthill mob uses Getaway power.

Red Max in the Crimson Haybailer makes his move.

The Arkansas Chugabug uses jet power.

And the Creepy Coupe pours it on with dragon power.

Oh, it's going to be a great race folks.

Hey, wait a minute.

Stop!

This race starts next week.

Next week? That means I'll get a good start on the others.

Drat! Drat! And double drat.