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(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) (VIA SPEAKERS):
"From the four corners of the stage

"to the four corners of the universe.

"Portsmouth, I need you to go wild

and crazy for your guy,

Mr Toooooom Davis!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Yes, Portsmouth! Here we are!

The great and good of Portsmouth.

(CHEERING CONTINUES)
(CROWD WHISTLES)

Let me tell ya, by the way,

there's nothing more demeaning
than being your own hype man.

For your own big special.
I've been here since 6 o'clock.

I had to put this up.

It's scaffolding.
It was here at 6:00.

Got the old spanners back out.

That's how I'm rolling, people.

A lot people are saying,
"Why Portsmouth?"

Let me tell you why I filmed it here,
right? We arrived in Portsmouth,

first thing I saw
when I got off the train

is someone had kicked
the door of Gregg's in.

I looked at that and thought,
"That's a sign."

See, either someone couldn't wait
to get their hands on a steak bake...

..so they kicked the door in
or there was no steak bake,

so they kicked it in on that way out.
Either way,

it's a place I can get on board with.

We're new parents.
Anyone else here parents in the room?

(SMALL SHOUTS)
Come on. Shout yourselves out.

Parents in the room, let's hear ya!

(PARENTS WHOOP LOUDLY)
Doing the good work.

I adore my kid, right?

I love this little girl.
She's my girl.

I don't know why I'm doing that.

I've got an invisible dog here.
(LAUGHS)

Come on, mate. That's it. Look
at all these people here to see us.

That's it, now come on.
Get over here. No, come on.

Come here, come here. Fuck off.

Go on. Get. Shouldn't kick dogs,

not even invisible ones. Anyway...

I love this kid. She's
my girl, she's my world, right?

I have my own anxieties,
my worries as a dad,

of course I do. Big one for me
is the breathing thing, right?

When my daughter
does bother sleeping,

I'm in there every five minutes just
to make sure she's still breathing.

I'm like that.

(WHISPERS): "She's fine.

"She's good.

"Wait, that could have been
the pulse on your thumb.

"No, she's good. She's fine.
One last check."

I'll worry
I'm still doing that at 21.

"Sorry, mate, just...

"Didn't know you were staying over.

"You were only dropping off a pizza."

Breaks my heart
she'll see that one day. (LAUGHS)

I always have the big worry
of the year 2034.

"Why, Big T? Why, Tom?"

I've worked it out, I've done
the arithmetic, I've done the maths.

Grace will be ten. "Well done, Tom."

And I'll be 55,

and it'll be
her first big sports day, right?

And I am having anxiety
now about that, right?

Cos I live in an area full
of people with young, young parents.

Let's put into context this, right?
I remember going to the NCT classes,

right? Bowling in,

looking around. There's a kid in the
corner. He's 16.

I think, "He's a kid
himself about to be a dad.

"God, he must be so worried."
So, I bowled up to him.

I went, "Hey, mate. You alright?
You OK? It's nerve-racking, innit?

"Your first kid. Your first child.

It's terrifying."
He looked me in the eye and he went,

"I can't even
remember my first kid."

He's 16!

He's gonna be 26 at the dad's race.

He's gonna kick the shit outta me!

I've joined the gym, Portsmouth.

I bowled along, a fella went,
"What you getting fit for?" I said,

"I've got a big race in ten years.
I need to win it."

In the gym,
there's only one bit of kit I use,

"the good girl, bad girl"
machine, you know?

It's this one.

Good girl, bad girl,
good girl, bad girl.

I like a bit of kit you can sit at.

Good girl, bad girl.
I'm there for hours.

Chewing my Pringles, full fat cone...

(MOUTHS)

"No, I'll be another hour or so,
love.

"I want an arse like Kim Kardashian."

I love the people watching.
It amuses me, the people there.

The other week I was there, right?
This fella is balding,

perma-tanned, right?

He's in full tennis whites.

He'll look around,
he'll nod here and there.

He walks up to this massive mirror
and he's like...

(MOUTHS)

(CONTINUES MOUTHING)

(MOUTHING CONTINUES)

(CONTINUES MOUTHING)

(MOUTHING CONTINUES)

(CONTINUES MOUTHING)

I think to myself, "This prick...

"is playing shadow tennis...

"and he's fucking losing."

In all fairness,
I'm taking the mick out of it.

I've done two rallies,
and I'm in absolute bits.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

He played four games. He got through
to the imaginary Wimbledon final.

Incredible player.

(SIGHS) That's dumb.
I'm out of breath.

(BREATHES HEAVILY) Heart's racing,

dry mouth.

It's a worry, innit?

Death.

It is, though. I'm at an age
where it's in my mind a lot.

I went the other day,
did the MOT. You done that?

Personal MOT, go and see what
your bloods and that shit's like.

I had my bloods done, right?
I feel kind of OK, right?

Just at the end, the bloke went,
"And while you're here,

"we might as well do your prostate.
So, you OK with that?"

I said, "Not really, mate.
I'm on day-12 pants."

He said, "What do you mean?"
I went, "Reserve goalkeeper pants,

"always in the squad,
never in the team."

For anyone in the room,
who might not know, essentially,

it's a pair of crotchless knickers.
Bollocks hanging out.

He said, "Come on, mate.
I've seen it all."

I said, "I Wouldn't be too
sure about that, fella."

He went, "Just up on the bed there."
He said, "Let's get this under way."

"You feel quite nervous. What about?"

"You're about to stick
a finger up my ass."

He said, "Don't be worried. I've
done five of these already today."

"Nice.
Nice way to make me feel special."

He said, "Look, with this kind
of anxiety, normally, you know,

"is there someone
you'd like to call?"

I said, "What do you mean?"

He said, "Is there anyone
you'd like to be here?"

No. I can't think of anyone in my
life I could call right now and go,

"Hello, Roy.

"What you up to, mate?

"No, I'm having my prostate,
I got a plus one.

"Standing room."

Insane.
But you get to a time in your life.

Me and my wife, now, we're
trying to get our affairs in order.

By that, I don't mean I'm going,
"Oh, right, if you shag Dean,

"I'll shag Chloe. You shag Mark,

"I'll shag Lisa, and there
we go, our affairs are in order."

We're trying to be grown ups,
adults, right?

So, we went to see a solicitor,
do all the wills and all this stuff

and this geezer is quite
a new fandango in his ways, right?

Turns around to us and he's like,
(DROLL VOICE): "Erm,

"have either of you two
thought about a cardboard coffin?"

And Kathryn's like, "Oh, a cardboard
coffin, that's interesting."

I'm like,
"Hm, yeah. A cardboard coffin.

"A cardboard coffin.
A cardboard coffin."

I weigh 22 fucking stone.

What cardboard's holding me?

That's like on a wet day
when you get an Amazon delivery.

Fella knocks on the door.
"Keep that open, mate.

"Bottom of the van's absolutely
drenched. Wait there, mate.

"Get the door there cos
the bottom of this, she's going."

You don't want that at your funeral.

Your mum and dad, your parents,

the same people, hopefully...

..are there.
All your loved ones about,

you in the back
in a cardboard coffin,

ash tray on top of it.

All your mates are assholes,

so someone has drawn a big cock
and balls on it.

Got your one skaggy mate who hasn't
got a suit,

so he's there in an Adidas tracksuit

and some Reebok classics...

..coming down the aisle.

"Hold up.
He's coming out of the bottom

"of this thing. Fucking hell."
(IMITATES THUD)

"That's it, just drag him the rest of
the way. He'd have found it funny."

Invisible dog howling.

It's distracting for everyone.
See you after, Buster.

Don't let him in the road.

(LAUGHS)
My problem isn't the fitness thing.

I've got that on lock,
as you can see(!)

My problem is diet.

I can't control...
I'm a greedy piece of shit, right?

For example, right,
tonight when I get home,

I want to go straight to my wife
and go, "Portsmouth was amazing,

so glad we shot the special there.
"It was incredible,

"as I knew it'd be."
Shout out, Portsmouth.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"I'll go and check on my beautiful
little girl."

No, my first stop
will be my first love,

the fridge.

Bowl in the kitchen,
stick on a bit of Ed Sheeran,

slowly walk up to her...

..pull her open...

..put your... (LAUGHS)

I caught your eye
at the worst moment there, sir.

We locked eyes, I was like,
"Oh, my God."

Like a sort of fast forward
into waking up

in your bed tomorrow morning.
"That went well."

Stick on a bit of Ed Sheeran,
slowly walk over,

pull her open,

put your chin on her shelf,

look up and look down and go,

"Now who's coming to bed with me
tonight?"

You ever see ham wince?

(LAUGHS) Couple of Dairylea Dunkers

making a bunk for the door.
"Get out of here, quick."

My most insane
showing of greed of late, right,

was Valentine's Day last year.
I take my misses up to town,

get all dressed up,
we're gonna have a right night of it.

I take her to a place
called Red Dog Saloon.

If anything, she got too overdressed.
I turned to her. I said,

"You're gonna embarrass yourself
in there, love.

"They give you a plastic
bib to eat with."

Outside of this place, right,

is a picture of what
they say is London's biggest burger.

Beautiful looking thing.
I turn to my wife, I'm like,

"I'm gonna eat that tonight."

She's like, "No, you're not."

"Why? Don't you think I can?"

She goes, "No, I know you can,

"but it's fucking disgusting."

I took that as flirty banter.

I'm like, "OK, let's
see about that, shall we? Let's see."

I bowl in. I went, "Oy, pal,
give me the big burger, right?"

Big burger comes out and,
Portsmouth, it was beautiful.

Four beef patties,

bacon, blue cheese, lettuce.
There's a tomato in there,

I kick that prick straight out.
"Fuck off, pal!

"Stick to salads
and pasta sauces ya little mug.

"Got no place in a burger."

I take this burger, right,
I open my mouth as wide as I can,

and I just stuff it in
in one massive big bite.

I went... (GRUNTS)

And as I bring
my mouth down it just stops,

and there's a stick
running through the burger.

I went, "Ah, Argh!"

(FAKE GROANING)

My wife freaks out. She goes, "What's
happening? Are you OK?"

She freaks out.
She goes from one to a thousand.

She's like, "Oh, my God.
My husband's having a heart attack!"

The whole restaurant is like...
(IMITATES WHOOSHING)

comes running over. "What's up?
Is he OK?" "I don't know!"

(FAKE SCREAMING)

Everyone's panicked. Everyone's
worried. They're all rushing around.

Finally,

this guy steps forward.
He looks a bit like Bradley Cooper.

I say he looks like Bradley Cooper...
He looks like Bradley Cooper

if you're driving really quickly down
the road and go, "Oy!

"Fucking see him?
He looked like Bradley Cooper."

If you went around the block and
slowed down, you'd go, "He didn't.

"What a waste of both of our time.

"Ridiculous."

Anyhow...

He steps forward.

He's French. He says,

(DEEP FRENCH ACCENT):
"I've seen this somewhere before."

My wife says, "Oh, you're French.
You look like Bradley Cooper."

(FAKE MOANS)

"I've seen this somewhere before.

"He's gone too big
on his first bite...

"..and he has got his mouth
caught on the burger stick."

Worry and anxiety turns to ridicule
and laughter.

Everyone just starts
pissing their pants.

My wife finds it so funny she's got
her forehead on this geezer's chest,

and she's like... (INHALES SHARPLY)
"Tom food" (LAUGHS)

One guy finds it so funny,
he just makes a boot

for the fucking restaurant door,
kicks it.

Don't know what that run was about.
I'm gonna do that again.

I do not want
that on the fucking special.

That's now how I run.

I mean, it was an impersonation
of another character,

but he didn't run like that either.

No one in this scenario
has ever run like that.

Guy finds it so funny,
he makes a run for the door,

boots it open

and shouts in the street,
"Oy, you've gotta see this!

"Some fat wanker has got himself
harpooned on a burger stick!"

People are coming
in from off the street.

People are leaving other restaurants,
Portsmouth.

People are cancelling Ubers
just to come

and look at this fucking freak with
a burger hanging out of his mouth.

I'm sitting there thinking, "This
could be me for the rest of my life."

Grace's wedding day,
just stood there like that.

Finally,
my wife and Bradley Scooper.

Bradley Scooper, who the fuck...?

(LAUGHS) The f...

I'm getting too carried away.
Who is Bradley Scooper?

Bradley Scooper feels like someone
you go on a stag do with

and no one wants
to share a room with.

"Who am I with?" "Bradley Scooper."
"Oh, you're fucking joking.

"The boring prick with the iPad?"
"Hello, mate.

"Yeah, I got the itinerary here.
We'll have a great laugh in Krakow."

"Shoot me now, Bradley Scooper."

"You know me, Scoops."
"Yeah, alright, mate."

"It's gonna be a long weekend,
Scoops."

(LAUGHS)

Finally, my wife
and Bradley Cooper stop kissing...

..and he leans forward and he says,
"There's only one thing you can do.

"He's going to have to pull
the burger from his mouth...

"..and then we break the stick."

I'd arguably say, THE least romantic,

most disgusting thing you're ever
likely to see on Valentine's day

is watching this fat loser...pull
a burger that's been in his mouth

for roughly about ten minutes...

put it on a plate
and watch someone snap the stick

that's held his mouth open and then
watch me go in for my second bite.

That's a Valentine's low right
there, Portsmouth.

(APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES)

I left school at 15, right?

And all I ever wanted to do is
work on building sites.

I got that dream.
Started working on sites.

I used to love it.
I used to love being around the lads.

The chat, the banter, the pub.
My favourite place of all, the caff.

We used to go into a place called
The Rumbling Tum, in Sutton,

full of real characters, just great
old boys. There was an old boy,

Bernie, who used to get in there,
full of bullshit stories.

I used to love 'em.
It's how I learned all my history.

I remember one day, right,
sitting with Bernie,

sitting having breakfast together,
and he looked me in the eye and went,

(AS BERNIE): "You know what?

"It was my father what killed
Adolf Hitler."

"Go on, Bern."

"It was the end of the war,

"and he's dropping into Nazi Germany
all on his Jack Jones,

"a one-man fighting force.
Anyway, he was having a bop around,

"eating sauerkraut and stuff."

"That's all you know about Germany,
innit it, Bern?"

"Anyway, one day on his travels, he
finds this little network of tunnels,

"and he starts going through them,
having a look around.

"Anyway, it's full of Nazis.
So, he just starts clearing them out,

"one by one,
just tearing through 'em.

"Then he comes to these two big
oak doors,

"and he thinks,
'Hold up, this is suspicious.'

"And you can take my heart
and my arse if this is lie,

"but he boots the doors right in,

"and standing there as bold as brass
is Adolf Hitler,

"and my father goes, 'Oy! Mate!

"'You've been bang out of order!'

"Pulls his arm back and...
Just clears him out, one punch.

"That's how the war ended."

To this day, I believe that.

I used to love that.
What terrified me is the faces,

the geezers, you know,
people just looking for a fight.

I'm quite an inoffensive chap,
a gentle giant if you will.

I used to be terrified of these
people. I remember there was one guy,

won't say his name
cos he'll watch this,

and he'll fucking try and kill me.
(LAUGHS)

Don't want that. See how it ends,

but he used to do a thing,
right, where he'd stare at you,

he'd look into your very soul as
he was doing so

and he'd be able to smoke a cigarette
in one drag. He'd just go...

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

It's like a lost art
of terror, that,

cos people don't smoke
like they used to.

It's like Clint Eastwood kinda shit.
It's very, very hard to convey

that level of fear with a vape.

Very hard to be that scary
when you smell like a nonce's pocket.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

"What's that, cherry cola?"

(DEEP VOICE):
"No, it's tutti frutti."

I remember the first time
I see this geezer.

I walk past him, he stared at me,
he went, (DEEP VOICE): "Oy, oy.

"You're a big cunt."

I was like,
"That's what my mom always says."

He said, "Hey, hey, hey. Oy.

"I know exactly how I'd kill you."

"Short game of shadow tennis
should probably do it."

Anyhow, day in question, right,

I'm walking through the caff
looking for somewhere to sit.

There's one seat,
and it's opposite this psychopath.

I think,
"I do not want to sit opposite him."

So, I think, "Just chill.
Eat your food. Keep your nut down.

So, I sit there,

and I feel him
spark a cigarette, and he goes,

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

"How old are you, son?"

"I'm 15, sir."

"Have you started wanking yet?"

Which is a weird question to ask
a 15-year-old boy

if you're not a fucking weirdo.

I try to give it the biggen back to
him. I look him in the eye. I'm like,

"Oh yeah, mate.
I've started. Yeah, I'm like two

"or three a day, pal."
Try to give it the biggen.

He looks at me, and he goes,

"You need to be careful, son.

"You only get 100 of those."
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)

Mind blown. I'm falling back.

I'm like, "What the fuck? Only 100?"

In my head, I'm thinking,
"I'm on 70 at least now."

I was like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa,
pal, pal, pal,

"w-what happens if you go over 100?"

He stared at me, and he said,

"No one knows.

"No one has ever tried."

I would say the most daredevil
act of my life to date

was that 101st wank,

not knowing if you're
gonna see the other side.

Just a little scribbled note on the
kitchen table to your mum

and dad saying,
"I love you both.

"Remember me well. PS, don't bury me
in a fucking cardboard coffin."

(APPLAUSE)

My wife is very much enjoying the
fact I'm on this tour

for a number of reasons.
Firstly, she likes money.

(A FEW PEOPLE CHEER) Secondly, I'm
out of the house a lot of the time.

That seems to make her happy.

And thirdly, she has a new obsession,
a new addiction

and that addiction
is Facebook Marketplace.

She's obsessed.
In our house,

if you don't touch or use something
for a matter of minutes,

it's gone. For example, you'll be
sitting there watching TV. Get up,

go to the kitchen,
make yourself a cup of tea.

Come back out and go,
"W-Where's the fucking sofa?"

"Sold it, Facebook Marketplace,
no one was sitting on it.

"Eighteen quid,
you gotta drop it 50 miles away."

And what was quite a small,

local business,

now, with this tour,
has become national.

There's not a city, a town,
a hamlet she can't reach.

For example, right, the other day,

I was going to Manchester.
Leaving the house,

"See you later."
"Where you going, Manchester?"

I went, yeah. She went,
"Good. I got a drop for ya."

"That's weird.
I thought I was a stand-up comedian.

"You seem to think
I'm a DPD driver."

I said, what am I dropping?
She went, "Grace's old cot.

She's outgrown it." I went, "I
haven't outgrown that fucking thing.

"It's about 8ft long."
She went,

"You gotta collect the money,
80 quid. It's a cash job."

Good. I'm a delivery driver,
and I'm a debt collector.

Everything is turning out Tom.

When I'm travelling the length
and breadth of this great nation,

I do so with my driver, Tony.

Few things about Tony,
he's in his 60s,

pretty sure he's been to prison...

and he's a conspiracy theorist...

..which makes every long
journey an absolute riot.

Tony would argue everything
is a conspiracy.

For example, today, when we get here,
I went, "I love Portsmouth.

"I'm so happy to be here.
Love me a drop of Portsmouth."

(SNORTS)

(AS TONY): "Yeah, keep believing
we're in Portsmouth, mate."

"We are in Portsmouth.
Just went past the sign that says,

'Welcome to Portsmouth.' It says
"Portsmouth" on the sat nav."

(SNIGGERS) "You are so naive, mate.

"You would just believe
everything you see."

I said,
"I don't need any more evidence

"to show I'm in fucking Portsmouth."
"I'll send you a link, mate."

Everything is,
"I'll send you a link."

Some of my favourite conspiracies
of late of Tony's, right,

we're coming home the other day from
Glasgow,

driving back from Scotland.
I went, "Tony

"I'm starving,
I need something to eat.

He went... (SLURRED):
.."What do you fancy, mate?"

Don't know what's happened
to his voice.

Strength of this impression,
I'm not getting a lift home.

(LAUGHS)

(AS TONY): "What do ya fancy, mate?"

I'm like, "Fuck it,
let's get McDonald's."

(SNORTS)

"Do you know what's in McDonald's?"

I said, "No one knows
what's in McDonald's, Tony.

"That's the charm of McDonald's."

"It's human meat, mate.

"It's meat what used to be people."

What a stupid thing to say.
That's ridiculous.

You couldn't keep a secret that big.
You couldn't start on your first day

of McDonald's on a guided tour, go,
"Hello, mate. Welcome. In ya come.

So, these are the tills,
these are the cashiers.

"You'll get on these one day.
This is your deep-fat fryer,

"that's your hashbrowns,
that's your chips. (LAUGHS)

"That's your McFlurry machine.
That's a right laugh.

"That's your cold drinks,
and this is a meat locker.

"Oh, by the way, all the meat here
is human. Keep that to yourself."

I said, "You couldn't keep
that on the down low, Ton."

He went,
"OK, alright, mate. OK.

"Would you bet your life...

"and everything what you own
on the fact it's not human meat?"

"No, Tony.

"No, I wouldn't."

"You still want a McDonald's?"

"Yeah, go on.

"We're far enough away from home.
It's not gonna be anyone I know."

My favourite of all
his conspiracies of late, right,

I was doing the press for a show
I do called The Curse,

and as part of the press tour,

I went on a show
called Zoe Ball and Friends.

Gotta level with ya, didn't know
I was one of Zoe Ball's friends.

Very honoured to be asked.

Also on the show is a guy called
Donny Osmond. You know Donny Osmond?

(SELECT PEOPLE CHEER)
Fans of Donny Osmond? (A FEW CHEER)

I'm gonna break your heart.
He's an absolute wet wipe.

He's a Fraggle of the first order.

Absolute idiot is old Don.

Just proper American.
Just excited about everything,

just so excited.
6:00 in the morning we're there,

and he just comes walking, he goes,
"Hey, I'm excited to be here!

"Isn't it exciting? Isn't it
exciting to all be here together?"

I was like, "Chill out, Don.

6am, pal. It's like
you've double dropped at V festival.

"Nothing's this exciting at 6am.

"Sit in the corner, son.
Have yourself a cold glass of water."

Also on the show is Rita Ora.

Oh, someone groaned then.

If you groan like that, I'll tell
Rita not to come to Portsmouth.

Woman there going, "If I fucking see
her down here in a Weatherspoons,

"I'll slap the shit out of her.

"Who's walked in, Rita?
Hold those, Jen."

Rita's a queen.
I love a bit of Rita.

That sounded awful.

Creepy.

Get in a car with Tony,
and Tony looks crimson.

He looks very worried. I'm like,
"What's up Ton, you alright?"

And he goes,
"How was it out there?

"How was Rita?"
I'm went, "She was fine.

"She was cool. What you going on
about? What's wrong with you?"

"You didn't try anything
to fuck her off, did ya?"

"No, I don't think...
What is wrong with you?"

He went, "She is a sleeper assassin
for the Albanian mafia, mate."

That's the idiot I'm dealing with
on a daily basis.

Anyhow, "cotgate".

I'm standing on my doorstep
with this massive great cot.

It's all boxed up ready to go
cos we're running a business.

Tony pulls up and goes,

"What's that?" "It's a cot.
We got to drop it in Manchester."

"What me? Delivery." I said,
"I've said this, Tony. Let's go.

We get in the car and we drive up
to Manchester. Now, people,

I know council estates.
I've lived on council estates.

I've been about, but this fucking
place was a whole new level, mate.

To put into context, there was staffs
just walking around smoking zoots.

Staring at you going, "What
the fuck are you looking at, mate?"

I thought,
"Let's get out of here lively."

We find the house in question.
We pull up.

Tony looks at me and went,
"Right, I'll get the door.

You get the cot."
I said, "That's weird, Tony.

"Cos I thought you work for me."

Tony jumped out of the car,
runs up to the door, bangs on it,

runs back into the car,
just leaves me on a driveway.

I say "driveway", it was two paving
slabs. I'm being kind.

Standing there bear hugging this
fucking massive great cot,

this box just like that. (SIGHS)

The door opens.

And a smell of weed and...

disappointment just flows out,
and a voice goes,

"Is that a cot?

Is that the fucking cot?"

I think, "Oh, good(!)

"This is how it ends.

Ironed down on a doorstep,

delivering a cot in a box your wife's
gonna try and bury you in.

I lower the box just to get
a look at the fella,

and I lower it, and he looks at me,
and I look at him.

We stare at each other for a second,
he goes,

"Fuck off. You're King Gary.

"You fucking never said you was King
Gary when you sold the fucking cot."

What an insane thing that
would be to say.

"Thanks for buying the cot,
by the way,

"the delivery driver
will be King Gary.

"He's fallen on hard times."

He starts speculating, just starts
running off at the head. He's like,

"Hold on, hold on,
wait, mate, mate, mate.

"Is this fucking hidden camera TV
now? Am I on hidden camera TV now?

"Hold on. Is this Ant and Dec?
Are Ant and Dec in the fucking box?

Is this Saturday Night Takeaway?
Is this hidden camera?

"What's going on? Is this it?"
I was like, "Chill out, son.

"You're worse than Donny Osmond.

"In the box is the cot
what you've ordered."

He then looks at me in the eye,

and he says the thing
I know he's gonna say.

"I've not got the money for the cot.

"But perhaps you'd like to exchange
it for something in my house."

And you know me, people,
I'm not a snob,

but I look over his shoulder
and into his abode and think,

"There's nothing I want in there."

So, he's like, "Alright, you're
playing hard ball. OK. I get it.

"You're playing hard ball. Alright.
What about a gramme of gear?

"What about a bit of coke?"
I thought, "Now,

"that's a big move, innit?"
Going home.

"Did you get paid for that cot?"
"Yep.

"Here we go.
Little gramme of buff,

"little gramme of the good stuff.

"Put that in the drawer
for Christmas, won't we?

"Make the Strictly Come Dancing final
a little bit more interesting."

I said, "I'm alright for cocaine,
thanks, mate.

"I'm alright for coke."
He went, "Alright, mate. OK. Alright,

"Alright.

"What about a blow job?"

I thought, "Now this is escalating.

"Who's giving the blow job?

"Are you giving the blow job?"
Went, "No, fuck off, mate. My wife."

I thought this was... Generally,

all you looking at me like I'm
disgusting enough to go, "Oh, lovely.

"Tony,
take that round the corner, mate.

"I'm just gonna whizz in here
for a blow job."

Come on. I'm better than that.

I'm like,
"I'm alright for a blow job."

He looks at me then, he goes, "Why?

"Don't ya like blow jobs?"

I went, "Oy, oy, oy, oy, oy, don't
start putting that around the manor.

"Don't make that a fucking thing.

"I like a blow job
as much as the next man.

"My problem is,
it's not a legal currency, is it?

"It's not legal tender.
Unlike money or cocaine,

"I can't take your blow jobs
and use them elsewhere."

Can't take my wife out
on the strength of a few blow jobs,

Pizza Express. Have the works,
pizza, dough balls, vino. At the end,

go, "Alright,
get the bill please, mate.

"One-hundred-and-twenty quid,
give you £80 cash,

"give you the rest in blow jobs?"

Never gonna be a situation
in my life where I go,

"I've just had a look, we're four
blow jobs from going to Florida."

Buying a car. "PCP or cash?"
"Blow jobs.

"Just line all the sales staff up,
I'll sort them out."

Start handing out blow jobs
in Christmas and birthday cards.

"There we go, Dad. Enjoy that."

My dad's my hero
for a number of reasons.

I adore this man. He's incredible.

Mainly because he's one of the few
people who always believed in me,

always stuck by me.
To put into context,

my mum stopped going to my parent's
evenings when I was ten

cos they were such
a depressing affair.

But my dad stuck it out.

He used to go every time and it
was hard for him, you know.

It was just a sea of teachers just
turning around going,

"This kid's a loser.
He won't amount to anything, right?"

I remember one year,
my dad got so depressed.

He turned to the teacher, went,
"He's got to be good at something."

The teacher said, "He's OK at German.
He's alright at Drama."

And my dad was like, "Well, he'll
make a hell of a porn star, then."

Still lives off that joke.

He's got that sort of
old-man rage in him now.

I do a lot of work for a charity
called the Prince's Trust.

(COUPLE OF PEOPLE CHEER)
OK. Thank you.

I thought there was no shits given
about charity, go on. Carry on.

You're not getting an MBA out
of this, ya prick.

And I was very, very,
very honoured last year

to be invited to go to Buckingham
Palace

and to meet the king. Mad, insane for
a shit kicker like me, right?

Here's one for you. Everyone lean
in. I'm gonna tell you a secret.

This wasn't my first time
at Buckingham Palace.

(COUPLE OF PEOPLE "WHOO")
I'd been there years before

to do the scaffolding.
(IMITATES EXPLOSION)

Little story, little bit of banter
for me to have with Charlie boy.

I get to Buckingham Palace,

and I'm having a little look around,
little buck about

and then Charles bowls in. I say
"bowls in", he's not Danny Dyer.

Come in like... (AS DANNY DYER):
"Hello, son. You alright, son?

You good, son?
Are you well? Bosh.

"Hold on. We out of Foster's?
Give me a sec.

"Camilla!

"Cam! Camilla!

"Cam!"

"Is that her or a fucking echo?

Camilla? We're out of Foster's
in the fucking bedroom."

He's not one of us.
He's not a bowler.

He's very sort of, like,
methodical and sort of, like,

reassured man,
and they line you all up,

and he walks down the line
saying hello to everyone.

He gets to me and he's like, "Fuck
it." He didn't say that.

That was a lie.

I'd have told him, We're all
excited, Charles, chill out, mate.

"No need for that language."

But he gets to me and I hold his
ha... "Hold his hand."

To hold his hand...

"There we go, mate, eh?

There we go. Look at you.

"Eh? Big king, big strong king.
Look at you go.

"Doing alright, ain't ya?
You've got it."

I was shaking his hand.

and I look him in the eye, I said, I
did the scaffolding on this place,"

and he went, (AS CHARLES):
"Not originally, I hope."

(IMITATES EXPLOSION)

We fall about laughing.
I give it more than it's due

as you do with old people, right?

I said,
"No, not originally, Charles,

"about 15 years ago, pal."
And he goes,

"Well, you did a helluva job.
It's still standing."

Wallop, bang. On you go, Charles.

Lovely bit of banter with the king,
and off I go.

I call my dad. I said, "I've just
got out of Buckingham Palace.

I've just met the king.
My dad's response was,

"How big was he?"

I said, "What do you mean?"
He went, "How big was he?

"What you going on about?"
"Was he bigger than me?"

I said, "W-What do you mean by this?

"Are you thinking at some
point in your life

"you may
have to fight the king?

He went,
"You never fucking know, son."

This is actually my favourite thing.

The thing that drives him
craziest in the world,

selfies.
Can't understand them,

won't understand them,
absolutely hates them.

We'll be out somewhere having a beer,
someone will bowl over.

"You alright, mate? Alright I'll get
a picture?" My dad will go,

"Who's that?" "I don't know.

Just wants a picture. "Who is
he, though?" "I don't know him."

"What's his name?" "I don't know his
name, he just wants a picture."

"Why do you want a picture of him?

"So you can look at it
when you feel sad?

"He's my son.
I don't even have a picture of him."

The other day, actually,
I was at the pub

and a kid walked up to me.
And he said,

"Is it alright if I get a picture?"
"Of course it is."

And he went, "Before I get a picture,
I just wanted to say something.

"I think you're incredible.
I think you're amazing.

"I think the things you've
been through,

the adversity that you've faced
whether it's physical or mental,

"you've gone toe to toe with your
problems, and you've beaten them.

"And I, for one,
find that inspiring."

(IMITATES EXPLOSION)

"Thank you, young man. Thank you.
Come here, let's get this picture."

And he stood next to me,
and he went...

And he leant in and said...

"Do you think you'll ever fight AJ?"

I couldn't tell him, Portsmouth.
I'm like,

"I guess so
if the money is ever right."

Broke my heart to think of him
going up to his mates and going,

"Oy, look at that, picture of me
and Tyson Fury."

"That's not Tyson Fury.
That's King Gary."

"He dropped a sofa round our house
last week." (APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(AUDIENCE MEMBER WHISTLES)
It's an insane thing.

I don't know if you've ever
been in a picture with a boxer,

but it's like a tick. As soon as you
get in a picture with a boxer,

you've got to go,
"Alright, if I get a picture, mate?"

Not signal what they do. You
don't do that with other celebrities.

You don't see Elton John and go,
"Elton, any chance of a picture?"

Fucking Ed Sheeran.

"Do it, Ed."

Rory McIlroy.

"Is that right, Ror?"

We got a lot people here 30s
40s, 50,

that age. Shout out if you are.

(PEOPLE CHEER)
Anyone in their 20s?

(PEOPLE WHOOP)
Fucking enjoy it...

cos it flies by,
and it becomes shit.

I look back at my 20s now with
absolute wonder. People in their 40s,

50s, we lived through
the greatest time of going out.

We lived through a time where it
was £1 a pint,

£1 a drink.
(PEOPLE CHEER) Yes, Portsmouth.

I fucking love that
you cheered for that.

And £1 a drink
was our Second World War.

There will be a time in the future
when we sit with our great-grand kids

and go...
(OLD VOICE): .."When I was a boy,

it used to be £1 a drink."

"A pound a drink, Granddad?"
"Yes. Yeah.

"It's 90 quid for a pint now, innit?"

Insane. And I really made the most
of £1 a pint.

I used to be able to go out on a
Thursday

and come back on a Tuesday.
That was my weekend.

Paid in cash, used to love it. No one
from the Inland Revenue in, is there?

Paid in cash, wad of notes

Going out buying yourself
a little bit of new clobber,

Ben Sherman shirt,

pair of 501s,

little Patrick Cox wannabes,

little spray of Joop!, little
spray of cold water, your own blend.

They were the fucking days,

the geezer's uniform.

Nothing better than just bowling
into a club, right,

with a tenner in your hand,
walking up to the bar and going...

"You alright, mate?

"Ten Bacardi Breezers
of various flavours, please."

You felt
like the Wolf of Wall Street,

like a millionaire.

"Keep the change."
"Alright, you cocky prick."

I used to have a trick that
I used to do back in the day.

This is probably why I was a virgin
till I was 32.

I used to think it was sexy.
I used to get the ten bottles

and put them on the ends
of my fingers.

Ten bottles on the end of my fingers,

and I walked through a dance
floor like the absolute governor.

I'd be like that.

"Hello, babe. Want a drink?

"No? Alright.

"Am I doing alright, darling?
I think so.

Go back to your pals.
"Here we go, grab a watermelon one,

careful of the salty rib.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, shut up, Portsmouth, you slag.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

They were great days,
and they're gone.

Cos now I go out with my pals
and I don't even enjoy it.

We're at the time in our lives,
we've got a kid.

Me and my missus are going,
it's like a military operation.

You gotta all go out
the same day, do a day drink,

get a baby sitter in.
I go to my pals,

we started going to micropubs.
(SIGHS)

Anyone here ever been to a micro pub?
(A FEW PEOPLE CHEER)MAN: Shit!

Exactly, brother. "Shit."

Fucking amen, my friend.

They are horseshit.

Just to break down
what a fucking micropub is

to people in the audience who
don't know, it's an old Woolworths

with a bar in the corner,
essentially.

A hipster prick standing behind it

with one of those waxed-up
moustaches and velvet waistcoat.

Looks like he should be tying
a damsel

to a railroad in an old Western.

Fucking sleeve tattoo
to compensate a personality.

Bowling in, "Hello, mate.

"Six pints of Stella, please."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up."

No, you can't just order six
pints of Stella anymore

cos all of my pals,

they're
into craft ales and craft beers.

They're like,
"Not so hasty, not so hasty.

What have we got here?

"'A Badger's Snout.'

"4.6.

Can we have a taste
of the old Badger's Snout?

Shot glass with a drizzle
of Badger's Snout comes out.

"Oh, she's nice, in't she, the
badger's snout. Got a bit about her,

"in't she, the Badger's Snout.
Oh, is that citrus in the Badger...?

"Tell us
a bit more about the Badger's Snout?

"It's a pint, Davey,
not a fucking used car.

"We need 15 of these today just
to make it remotely interesting."

What seems like an eternity to get
one round of drinks and then you go

and stand around a upturned beer
crate with a tablecloth over it...

..looking at six dickheads
you've got to spend

the rest of your social life with.

Talk of shagging and fighting has now
gone. You're just like,

"Does any one else's hips hurt
when they get out of a chair?

"Oh, I've got a plus one for my
prostate

"on Thursday if anyone's around."

Someone sitting there going, "Er,
didn't this used to be a Clarks?"

"No, it was a Woolworths."

"Swear I got a pair of school shoes."

"It was a fucking Woolworth's, Dean.

"You say this every fucking week."

Silence ensues until someone says,

"Anyone fancy a game of Scrabble?"

None of us finished school.

There will not be a more depressing
sight on Earth

than six 45-year-old men stood
around a Scrabble board

with fucking two
and three letter words.

"It." "And."

"You got an H there, Kev.
You could have made head or hand."

"Alright, genius. Brains."

All the time knowing that your missus
is out with her friends,

and having a far better time.

Cos women, right, when they get a day
drink, they know how to do that shit.

They know how it goes down. They know
how to organise it properly.

I'm talking, of course,
about the bottomless brunch.

(WOMEN CHEER)

Four hours of scheduled drinking.

First hour is just drinking.
No one says a thing.

Everyone's gotta show up.

Everyone turn up. If you don't
turn up, you're out of the firm.

It's not a day's drinking anymore,
it's more like

a football hooligan away day.

Millwall, away.

The preparation that
goes into this day is insane.

As soon as it's announced,
a WhatsApp group is made.

A WhatsApp group
that pings every second

of every minute
of every hour of every day

of every week for that next month.
It's constant.

And it's not good enough anymore,
is it, ladies, just to send a text.

You've gotta send a voice note.

"You alright, babe?

"It's me. It's Kaylie."

We know it's you, Kaylie.

Your name's
come up with the message,

and there's a picture of you,

and if that's not enough
of a giveaway,

we can hear your fucking voice.

"What was I gonna say?

"What was I gonna say, now? What was
I gonna say? Fuck it. What was I...?

"Lee, what was I gonna say to
Kathryn? What was I gonna say?

"What was I gonna say?

"I can't remember.
It was on the tip of my tongue."

Kaylie, put the phone down,
think about what you're gonna say

and then leave the message
you dizzy cow.

Also, I'm gonna say this and I don't
mean to cos any offence if I do.

I'm gonna say it anyway.

A lot of my wife's friends
are starting to have a little bit

of work done,
and I've got to say, ladies,

no one's ever looked better
with those lips.

(APPLAUSE)

Big juiced up...
(MUFFLED): "You alright? You good?

"Yeah? Notice something
different about me?

"I've had my lips done."
"I can see you've had your lips done.

"There's a beak
where your mouth used to be."

Get three or four of 'em
in your front room,

it's like a duck pond in there.

(IMITATES DUCKS QUACKING)

Fucking throwing in bread.

Worse than that, actually, is the
face filler.

The face filler's insane.
Everyone just starts looking insane

with face filler. One of my wife's
friends knocked around the other day,

I opened the front door, genuinely
thought it was Mickey Rourke.

"Alright, take it easy.

Mob-handed. Hitting the fucking town.
"We're out. We're going out."

10am we start drinking,
bowling into a gaff.

"You got a table for Davis, ten?"

"Hello, Mrs Davis. Welcome.
Yes, yes. So, on offer today,

we've got some lovely cocktails,
we've got some nice-"

"Shh.

"Shut your noise before you
embarrass yourself any further.

"See I get one day,

one day a month it's about me,
when I'm not just a mum.

"I can cut loose,
and I can have a fucking good time.

"So, I don't want any of your
watered-down shit cocktails

"or any crap vino
I've never heard of.

"I want one drink and one drink only,
Prosecco.

"I will require a full bottle of
Prosecco on that table at all times

"and listen to me, if I am to look
down at any point today

"and that bottle of
Prosecco has runneth dry,

"I'll make your life
a living fucking hell."

Bottles of Prosecco are brought out

and poured, glasses are raised
and cheerses are said.

Someone turns around and goes,
"Oh, guess who I saw?"

"Shut up, Anne.
First hour is just drinking."

An hour of hardcore drinking goes
by,

glass after glass after glass

and then the conversation can start,

but it's a rabid, drunk conversation,

where most of them are levelling the
other halves down like ducks.

(MUMBLES) "Massage." (MUMBLES)
"Kids." (MUMBLES)

There's people on other
tables going, "What accent is that?

"Where are they from?"

Conversation only lasts so long
before someone says,

"You know what?

"We need some tunes in here,
don't we? We need some music.

"Where's the DJ? DJ? Hey, DJ,

"get some music on.
We want some tunes!"

"There's no DJ here, ma'am.

"This is a Cafe Rouge."

Other people just eating
croissants going,

"What the fucking hell
is happening there?

"This is breakfast."

"Fuck it.
If they don't want any fun,

we'll make our own music.
We'll make our own tunes.

"Get a pint glass, stick your phone
in there." (IMITATES PHONE THUDDING)

# Ta na ne, ta na ne,
ta na ne, ta na ne

# Ta na ne, ta na ne, te

# With a little bit of luck... #

The mere sound of garage has them up
and dancing,

arms
are flailing, legs are flailing,

baskets of bread and croissants are
just launched across the restaurant.

Big Mickey Rourke tries
to slut drop. (IMITATES DROP)

Her legs are gone,
so she can't get up again,

just walks around going,
"Wait for me. Wait for me."

Someone's gone too hard too early,

and they're sick in someone
else's onion soup.

Fucking try picking that out.

All comes to a header, at midday,

they are thrown out onto a high
street full of normal people

going about their normal shopping
business,

leathered, drunk, looking for another
group of bottomless brunchers

to beat the shit out of.
"# Here we go, here we go. #"

"Oh, wait up, wait up, wait up."

Families with kids coming
out of Wilkinson's going,

"Clare, Clare, come here." "That's
Grace's, mum." "I know it is.

You're not gonna go around there
again after swimming."

"# Here we go, here we go."

Walking past us
in a micropub going,

"You gonna come in for a drink,
love?"

"Fuck off, ya mug.

"You're boring, mate. You're boring.

"# You're going
home in a cardboard coffin

"# You're going home
in a cardboard coffin."

Ladies and gentlemen of Portsmouth

thank you so,
so much for coming out tonight!

God bless you!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Wow, Portsmouth.

Thank you, bless you.

Thank you, Portsmouth.

Right, Portsmouth.

There's a film out at the moment,
and it's called Wonka.

(PEOPLE CHEER)

Don't know if you've seen it.
I'm in it. Very honoured to be in it.

For anyone who hasn't seen it,

it's the prequel to Charlie
and the Chocolate Factory.

Fans?
AUDIENCE: Yeah.

I loved the original.
I have one problem with it.

I always felt really
sorry for Charlie Bucket's dad.

Cos you never see him, do ya?
You know why?

Cos he's only person in the bucket
house is actually out and working,

doing a bit of collar, while everyone
else is lying around in bed.

And I always felt for him the day
that Charlie finds that golden ticket

and he runs all the way home,
runs into the house

and shows them the golden ticket,
and everyone gets out of bed,

and they dance and have a great time.
I always think of his dad.

The moment he comes home,
walks into that house and goes...

"What the fucking hell's happening
here? Are we being robbed?"

(LAUGHS) "No, nothing like that.

We've been having a bit of a party.
We've been having a bit of a dance."

"Why?"

"Charlie... Charlie's found
the last golden ticket.

"He's what? That's a ticket for two,
innit?

"To go to Willy Wonka's
chocolate factory. Ticket for two.

"I'll have a job of that,
me and the boy. I'll take the boy.

"I have not had
a day off for 35 fucking years

"cos no one else here
could be bothered to do anything.

"I'm earning all the bread.
So, I'll have a drop of that.

"Oh, that will be great. I'm gonna
phone my boss, Darren, now.

"Say, Dal, I'm gonna have a day off.
My first ever day off.

"I'm taking my boy to the chocolate
factory. You see me now?

"I'm smiling. What a moment."

"Do you wanna tell him?

"This is awkward cos Charlie said
he's gonna take Grandpa Joe."

"He fucking what?!"

And the dad goes mad,
beats up Grandpa Joe.

Charlie's taken into care. I mean,
it's a different film, obviously.

With Mike Lee.

Also, I don't know if you
remember the end of that movie,

Charlie
and Willy are in the invisible...

I don't know, someone laughed at
the word "Willy".

"Oh, God."
So, that's the audience, high brow.

Love ya.

Charlie and Willy are in the glass
elevator,

and they're rushing up through the
chocolate factory,

and Charlie looks at Willy
and goes,

"Mr Wonka, what will become
of the chocolate factory?"

(AMERICAN ACCENT): "Well, Charlie,
the chocolate factory's yours now."

"You're having a fucking laugh,
ain't you?

"It's a health
and safety nightmare down there.

"Little boys drowned in
the chocolate river,

"girls turning
into a fucking blueberry.

"You can keep your chocolate factory,
you fucking psychopath."

I didn't say any of this
during filming, obviously.

The star of this movie is a kid
called Timothee Chalamet.

(A COUPLE OF PEOPLE CHEER) Fans. I
had no idea what a big star he was.

First day I'm filming, this is where
I realised what a big name he is.

We both come out of our trailers,
right? And there's 1,500 people there

just to get a look at this kid,
just cheer him.

"We love you, Timmy!
You're amazing!"

People from all around the world,
France, Brazil,

other countries.

Ireland.

I turn to him, I'm like,
"Fucking hell, mate.

"That's amazing, that's incredible,"
and he looked at me in the eye.

(AMERICAN ACCENT):
"My friend, that's just life."

And I'm like, "No that's YOUR life.

"For everyone else, that's insane."

Only time people shout at me in the
street is if I'm walking down one

and someone will pull up in a white
van and go, "Oy, Davis, you wanker!"

Anyhow,
as polar opposites as we are,

as far as we are in the world apart,
me a hairy arsehole,

scaffolder,
him the prince of Hollywood, right?

We become friends.
We start hanging out.

We start going to his trailer
at lunch, playing on FIFA,

watching a bit of YouTube.

I realised, by the way,
if he's not a film star,

that's a weird fucking
friendship to have.

I'm aware that if I went back
home tonight and went,

(CREEPY VOICE):
"Just gonna go around Josh's house.

"Just gonna go around and see Josh."

"Who's Josh?"
"You know Bob and Sue's Josh?

"Just gonna play on a bit of FIFA,
watch some YouTube."

"How about you don't come back,
you fucking weirdo.

"Fucking nonce."

Anyhow, I've digressed slightly.

When you work on a film set,
you're very lucky.

I realise that.
You know, you're fed, you're watered,

much like if you're an animal
in the zoo or the circus.

And, like, I always take full
advantage of that, right?

You offer me free food,
I'll eat until I fucking burst.

Free drink, I drink
until I collapse. That's my way,

that's my mantra,
it's how I live my life.

Anyway, this day in question, right,
there's a bang on my trailer door,

I open it. And
the runner's there and they said,

"What do you want for breakfast,
Tom?" "Everything,

"twice."

Portsmouth, I won't lie. I eat so
much for breakfast that morning,

it gets to about 10:30,

and I'm absolutely gagging
for a shit.

I'll tell you what, I think
the medical term is, I'm crowning.

But I think, "I wanna savour this,

"I wanna enjoy it at lunch."

Lunch time, I'm going back to my
trailer doing the I-need-a-shit walk.

Little and fast, little and fast,
big and long, big and long.

Timothee comes running up behind me.
He's like, "Hey, Tom, Tom. Big Tom."

I'm like,
"Oh, you alright, mate? You OK?"

"You gonna come back to
my trailer? You wanna hang out,

"play some FIFA and watch some
YouTube?" I'm like, "No, no, no.

"I've got some business
to take care of in my trailer.

It's important business." "Take care
of the business in my trailer."

I'm like, "No, no. it's very
important business,

"I should go back to mine."
He's like, "Man, man.

"We're friends, we're buddies.

"You got business to take care of,
you can do that in my trailer."

And I think,
"What a sweet lovely gesture.

"What a lovely young man.

"You know what?
I've held out all morning.

"I can hold out for another hour."

We go into his trailer.
we start playing FIFA,

and as I'm kicking off that game,

I sit there and think,

"Well, it's abundantly clear,
I can't hold out for another hour."

I'm sweating,
I'm moving from cheek to cheek.

Timothee looks very worried.
He's like, "You OK, man?

"You alright? Is everything OK?"
"I'm fine, I'm fine."

He's like, "If you need to use the
bathroom, go and use the bathroom."

I think to myself,
Portsmouth, "You know what?

"Maybe if I go for a piss,

"that'll alleviate some of
the pressure within me."

I'm not a doctor, nae a medical man.
I don't know how that stuff works.

So, I say, "I will use your toilet.
Thank you very much, mate."

I go into his toilet,
and I start urinating,

and it's like something in my body
goes,

(LIKE ANNOUNCER): "Everything out!

"Everything out!"

And I turn around as quick as I can,
and I sit on the toilet,

and the best way of explaining
the sound that comes from me

is I don't know if you've ever thrown
a pair of boots out your loft.

(IMITATES THUD)

There's no hiding
what's going on in there.

I'm just sat looking in a mirror,
going...

.."Well, this is a new low."

Eight flushes later...

..looking around for some
air freshener. There's no air...

I say there's no air freshener. There
was a tiny little Glade plug in.

Little Glade plug in. I'm looking at
a Glade plug in going,

"You haven't got a chance up against
this!" It's like looking

at a little old man with a bucket
staring at a forest fire.

I come out,
and Timothee's sitting there.

"Shall we continue the game?" He
went, "I don't think so." Rightly so.

That afternoon, we were on set,
and he can barely look at me,

he's so disgusted. So awkward between
us, really awkward, you know.

Someone from production notices,
they come over.

"What's going on with you both?
It's awkward between the two of you.

"What's happened
between the two of you?" "Nothing."

"You said something?"
"No." "Something has happened."

"Nothing has happened."
"Shall I ask?" "No, fucking ask him,

"you nosy prick.

"If you must know,

"I took a shit in his trailer
at lunch.

And to this day, I don't know
if this is a wind up

or if it actually happened, but he
looked me in the eye and he went,

"That's why Hugh Grant hates you."

I said, come again now? He went,

"Cos you took a shit
in his trailer on Paddington 2."

"No, I didn't."

What's allegedly happened there is
someone took a shit

in Hugh's trailer,
and he's gone around going...

"Him.

"He did it."

And I don't want that to be my legacy
within the world of entertainment

and film. I don't want that to be the
way that people remember me,

but then I'm the fucking idiot
who went into Bake Off

and, in front of seven million
people of this great nation,

admitted to shitting in Brandon
Flower's trailer at Glastonbury,

and I made meringue evidence
of the fact,

and I know how it works,
gossip spreads.

A rumour will spread around the
Hollywood hills

and further afield
of a Yeti-like man who goes

and shits in people's homes
and in their houses,

and that's why I'll never win
an Oscar or be in a Marvel movie.

Ladies and gentlemen of Portsmouth,
thank you,

thank you so much for tonight.
God bless every one of you.

Safe trip home.
(APPLAUSE) God bless you.

I'll see you all down the rooooad,

the underdog. Hee, ah!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you, Portsmouth.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

Goodnight. God bless.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

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