All language subtitles for Tacoma.FD.S01E07.UNCENSORED.TBS+AMZN.CtrlHD+ION10

Coffee, gum...

tampons?

Seriously? Tampons.

Wow. Brave new world, fellas.

Did she say what kind she wants?

No, no details. But you know what?

I know a little about tampons
'cause I have a sister.

- I have a mother.
- I've got an ex-wife.

We got this.

So the question is do we get
the pink box or the purple one?

Desert Mist.

What kind of flavor is that?

It's a scent of mist in the desert.

Okay, man. I don't know.

Do you think she wants
a nighttime tampon?

There's a difference between
nighttime and daytime?

Yeah, yeah, like that one's
got the moon and stars on it.

But so does Lucky Charms,
and they're for the morning.

- Huh?
- Those are pads.

And there's no such thing
as nighttime tampons.

Are to. My wife used to send me

on runs for nighttime
tampons all the time.

- Well, she hated you.
- Eddie Spaghetti?

Oh! That is you. Eddie Penisi.

- Uh...
- Trudy Towers. Do you remember me?

Oh, my God, Trudy Towers.
Of course I remember you.

You look good. All grown up.

Look at you. You're a firefighter.

Captain, no less.

- Gosh.
- Yeah, well.

Actually, I could use your help with
this new carbon monoxide detector.

I don't know how to install it.

It's easy. You just plug it in.

Plug it in to what?

Into an outlet.

Then what would I do
with my air freshener?

Rescue 42, 65-year-old
male reported chest pains.

Requested EMS response.

24, responding. I'm so sorry.
I got to go save somebody.

Call me at the station. I'll
help you out with everything.

All right. Okay, okay.

Okay, Eddie Spaghetti,
what was all that about?

- How do you know her?
- She took my virginity.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com

It was the summer of '92
when a recently divorced

48-year-old former center-fold
became the neighbor

of a horny AF 16-year-old boy.

She was 48 and you were 16.

- Yep.
- She was a center-fold?

- Big time.
- Really just honed

in on different things there.

Center-fold... July 1972.

And when I met her,
she was still super fit

from doing those Paula
Abdul workout videos.

To this day, I still get turned
on by leggings with stirrups.

- To this day.
- Who's Paul Abdul? He sounds hot.

- Sorry, Cap, keep going.
- Oh, man.

I would mow her lawn.

And she stepped outside with
a fresh pitcher of lemonade.

I knew it was time to go back inside.

Hey.

I can still smell the scent

of fresh cut grass mingled
with her perfume.

Infatu-oso.

And she taught me everything.

We even did missionary fifth base.

Sounds like a jazz band.

Wait, what's missionary fifth base?

Mm. Mm-mm.

Missionary, though?

It's tough, but you do it.

So, Miss July, you gonna give
her a little summer loving?

Oh, that's not even funny, dude.

You saw her shuffle around back
there with the prunes in her cart.

I mean, one good thrust,
and she'd turn to powder.

They say you always have a
soft spot for your first one.

Yeah, I lost my virginity
to Emily Bernard.

And I wish I had another
crack at it, you know?

She worked at the zoo.

And there was this mob of baby meerkats

that would watch us get it on.

Man, it was beautiful.

They would just pop up and
be like, "Mee, mee, mee."

And I'd be like, "Yeah, yeah."

And they'd be like, "Mee, mee, mee."

I felt like Matt Damon
in "We Bought a Zoo."

CJ Thomas at the Dairy King snack shack.

We did it on this ice cream case.

So now whenever I have
sex, I have this thing...

Oh, come on. I don't want to hear this.

Na-na-na-na-na-na!

Mine was Mandy Carvallo, senior year.

- High school?
- No, college.

Wait, you waited until you
were a senior in college.

No, bro. She was a senior in college.

I was 27.

- Right.
- I was a full 10 years younger than you

when I lost my virginity.

- You were seven?
- Come on! You're her uncle!

And you keep popping out of nowhere.

Talk about sports.

- Sorry.
- Okay, Granny, you go.

Erica Kools.

She was the football coach's daughter.

- Oh.
- Ooh.

- Nice.
- You know what?

That's why I have the hots
for the new dispatcher.

She sounds just like Erica did.

Mm-hmm.

Ah, she, the new dispatcher is a dude.

No, she isn't. I've
been flirting with her.

- She isn't.
- No big deal,

but you've definitely
been flirting with a man.

Can I come back in?
Are you guys done now?

That's your fourth cookie, rabbit.

You're gonna get diarrhea
from all that chocolate.

Hey, Chiefy.

What, is it mac and cheese day?

Yeah, Pasta Penisi. Go help yourself.

Leave some for the rest of us, okay?

Come on, Chief, we're at a
perfectly delightful lunch

until you came in here, started
scratching your scaly arms.

Oh, get over, huh? It's
that time of the year.

- I get extra dry.
- Yeah.

It's that time of the
year for me too, Chief...

allergy season. And all the dust
in the station is from your skin.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.
You need to moisturize.

Nobody needs to moisturize, okay?

It's a fad. It's for girls.

Don't point at me.

There's a lot of guys that moisturize.

- I bet these guys moisturize.
- Yeah.

I wear night cream during the
daytime 'cause I'm a bad boy.

- How come you don't like it?
- I don't know. It's gross.

Makes my arm hair wet.

I can't feel my fingerprints,
like the loops and the swirls

get filled up with cream.

- Disgusting.
- Feel your fingerprints?

That makes no sense.

It literally looks like
you're grating cheese.

Yeah, the whole idea
of moisturizing cream

is to moisturize it so it
doesn't flake like that.

- It's a gross word... moist.
- Look at his elbow.

- It's like a White Walker.
- Oh, God.

- Come on.
- It looks like a root vegetable.

I hope that's not genetic.

You're like a snake shedding skin.

All right. Enough, enough
with the lotion talk.

Okay, listen. Just hear me out.

How about this, okay?
You try moisturizing.

Just try it for one day.

And we'll all shut up
about it. Right, guys?

- Yes. Absolutely.
- Yes.

- One day?
- It's one day.

- One day?
- One day.

- Yeah.
- Okay, fine. I will try it

just to make you cry babies shut up.

- Great.
- What are we trying?

Quinoa, pilates?

No, it's a...

Station 24, rescue 42.

- See? Wait,
- See, sounds like a girl.

- it's totally a dude.
- You crazy.

No, you're crazy. You're crazy.

Look... It's a...

- Sounds like Erica.
- It's a dude.

- It's a dude.
- Sounds like Erica.

Hey! You two, pinch it off.

- Let's go.
- Erica had a nut sack...

No, no, no.

Thank you for coming, Eddie.

My pleasure.

Stick it here, in the lower socket.

- See.
- Lower socket?

Yeah. Easy as pie.

Sticking an inanimate
object into a tight hole,

just like old times, huh?

Yeah.

Would you help me with one more thing?

Yeah, anything.

I have to change the
bulb in this fixture.

And I'm really nervous about
getting up on the step stool.

Say no more. I'm a firefighter.

I get up on ladders all the time.

All right.

All right.

And we meet again.

There we go.

All right.

Anyway. I should probably be going.

Feels like I've done a lot.

You look terrific. I mean.

I know you're really busy, but,

I have one last favor to ask of you.

Yeah, Trudy, anything.

Will you take me up to my bedroom

and plug your air freshener
into my lower socket?

I'm dying.

I've only got two months to live.

Trudy, that's terrible.

And I want to make love
to you one last time.

So, like, you were my
first and I'd be your last.

If you're dying, I'd be a
real shitty person to say no.

Yeah.

Hey. How'd it go with Centrum Silver?

Yeah, did you do a little
coo-coo-ca-choo with Mrs. Robinson?

Did she complain about mobile banking?

My grandma always complains about it.

- It's pretty tricky.
- You guys are sick.

Why don't you hyenas get
your mind out of the gutter.

Hey, oh. Good morning.

- Good morning. Good morning.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey. How's it going, Chief?

Well, you're in a good mood.

That's because I'm a new
man... a new smoother man.

Oh. Yeah, who do I have
to thank for this? I mean, look.

I have asked this man to
moisturize for how long.

And these are the hands that I married.

Look at them. So soft.

Yeah, you know what we did with
these soft hands last night?

Are you familiar with
the Kamasutra position

called "The Crunchy Fry"?

- Hey, I don't want to hear that.
- Seriously.

They usually smell like
corn ships and foot powder,

- but now...
- Ugh.

- Lotion!
- Yeah.

- What do you got there?
- It's a beautifying lotion.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Is it good?
- I love it.

It's got cocoa butter in it and stuff.

I use it for my whole body.

It's mine now.

- What?
- This is the chief's lotion.

- What are you mugging the guy?
- I got a lady to impress.

Aw, come here. Come here, come here.

- Mwah. Mwah.
- Mmm..

Look how moist my lips
are. My lips are moist.

Oh, come on, guys.

Grow up. I love this chief.

Yeah, grow up. It's natural.
How do you think you got here?

You keep turning back
the clock on those paws.

- I will.
- Get a room, you guys.

- I'm gonna have another sibling.
- Whoo!

That is some stink from you.
What is that? Oh, man.

That's that Infatu-oso smell.

You remember that
smell of that old lady?

Across the street?

Nude-y Trudy Towers...
it was her perfume.

It was gross.

Yeah, you know, I helped her
out around the house yesterday.

So probably some of it rubbed off on me.

Oh, my God.

Eddie, are you sleeping
with Trudy Towers again?

What is wrong with you people?
It's like you all ate asshole biscuits

this morning for breakfast.

Eddie, you are such a pervert!

How old is she now?

How should I know? 73.

In other words, too old
for me to have sex with.

Oh, yeah. Right. If Diane Sawyer
walked in here right now,

you'd make some news with her, huh?

- She's 73.
- That's unfair.

You know I have a soft
spot for anchorwomen.

It's okay to admit it, Captain.

Gladys Knight is 74 years old,

and I'd ride her "Midnight Train"
all the way to Georgia and back.

Joe Biden is 75,

and I'd be on his foreign-relations
committee any day of the week!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Baby, please. You, stop
banging an old lady.

That is disgusting.

Hey, hey, hey, for the last time,

I would never have
sex with a 73-year-old.

- Everybody got that?
- Okay.

- We're just razzing ya.
- Hey, how old do you go?

I'd go grandma from "Moana."

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

And then I'd let her
turn into a stingray,

and then I'd do it again.

- She's animated, though.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why? What about you?

I always had a thing for that lady

from the "Blade Runner" with the snake.

- Oh.
- Always found her hot.

Hey, you. Thanks for calling back.

I'm sorry I missed your call.

I fell down three times
getting the phone.

That's what I get for
having my legs up over my...

Did you hear that? What was that?

Yeah. I think that was
you pressing the buttons.

No. No. It was different.

That's all right. Phones can be tricky.

It's a 22-year-old I
met at a rave last night.

So dumb, she can't even use the phone.

Mm. A rave, huh?

That's how I roll.

Mm. Congrats.

Oh, my God. I cannot
stop thinking about you.

- When can I see you again?
- How about tomorrow?

Let's meet at the soup station at 11:30.

Make sure that we get one
of the booths in the middle.

Otherwise, you can't get
the waitress's attention

when you want a refill of...

Aah. Okay. Okay. Yeah.
Soup station at 11:30.

I'll see... It's this
waitress I'm dating.

She, uh, is working
her way through college

'cause that's what young people do.

Trudy, the thing you did with
my tingle button last night

was, like, unbelievable.

Paramedic Smith from
Station 24 to Dispatch.

Dispatch to Station 24.

Hey! Um, I was working on the paperwork

on that cardiac you
sent us out on yesterday,

and I don't have the proper address.

Could you give that to me?

3843 Sammish Avenue.

I'm writing it down right now.

Right now, as we speak.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

Oh, don't mention it.

Is there a science lab around here?

'Cause I'm sensing some chemistry.

- What's your name?
- I'm Taylor.

Anything else I can help you with?

Oh, no.

You've answered all of
my questions, Taylor.

♪ Taylor ♪

Are we really doing this?
We're gonna prank the chief?

Of course we are. He's a lotion bully,

and that's the worst kind of bully.

He's gonna kill us...
you know that, right?

No, no. He's gonna realize that
it's mayonnaise right away,

and then, once he does,
we'll all laugh about it.

He'll be like, "Man... "

He'll be like, "Ha! You
guys are my favorite."

Be like, "Ah, man, we have fun here."

- Mm. Okay.
- Here.

What? What do I do with it?

- Well, just put it down.
- Yeah.

Yeah, just put it there,
yeah, so he can see.

Ooh! This must be what
cocaine feels like.

- I don't know.
- Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh!

Hey, come check this out.

Gather around, everybody.

Look at this.

- Boom.
- Damn!

Aha!

Wow. That's that lady?

- Dynamite.
- Trudy Towers was hot, dude.

- Whew!
- Hey.

What are you guys
looking at? What's this?

Oh, a Q&A with Richard Nixon.

I wonder what he's been up to.

This is a 1972 "Playpen" magazine,

and that is the old lady
we've been talking about.

Whoa!

You are having sex with her, aren't you?

All right, enough. Enough.

The day I bang a modern-day
Trudy Towers is the day

I eat a burrito made out of
Granny's cheetah-skin underwear.

Oh!

- Okay.
- They're leopard skin.

- Okay.
- But I'll take it, anyway.

- Whatever.
- That's a good bet.

Oh, yeah, um...

- What's that?
- What?

That's just, um... That's
just some lotion.

- Some new lotion?
- New lotion, yeah.

It's very super hydrating.

Yeah. Just regular, plain.

- The best kind.
- The best kind.

- Yeah.
- Go ahead, please.

- Try it out.
- Just use a bit.

- Ooh, yeah.
- Whoa.

Yeah, you're really putting it on there.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

Smells good?

- Wow. It smells... like?
- Familiar.

- Uh-huh.
- It smells familiar.

- Do you like it?
- Well, it says,

Alpine, but it's not
Alpine. It's like...

Yeah.

Smells like a... like a picnic.

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

Like a fancy picnic, you know?

- We're sorry.
- With the good condiments.

- Right?
- Yeah, yeah. It's not ketchup.

It's not, you know, mustard.

Like a brown mustard
with the seeds in it.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, we didn't know.

We were just like, "Ah, let's do it."

- Yeah.
- You know what it's like?

It's like mine.

I'm taking this with me.

This is now my lotion, guys.

- Thank you very much. Appreciate it.
- Oh, yes but... Sorry, Chief...

Nah, nah, nah, nah. Nah, nah, no.

It's mine. My lotion.

What just happened?

H-He didn't know that was mayonnaise.

- Dick-tap!
- Ohh!

Ohh! Oho, oh! Good one, Chief.

Mm.

So, I was just filling out my paperwork

for the MVA from yesterday,

and I realized that I
don't have the address.

Could you get it for me?

1216 East McKinley.

Thank you so much.

I mean, I have just been
slammed with paperwork.

You sound tall.

- How tall are you?
- 5'10".

Has anyone ever told you
that you sound like Joe Biden?

Is that a good thing?

Oh, it's a great thing... I
mean, definitely, in my book.

Uh, thanks. Gotta go. Out.

Aha!

You were on with Dispatch, weren't you?

No, I was just... I just
had a paperwork question.

In the bunk room. Please.

- You were flirting.
- Okay, fine. Maybe I was.

But so what? Who cares?

I'm cool with it, as long as you know

you were flirting with my
future girlfriend named Taylor.

Actually, I was talking
to my future boyfriend,

who happens to be 5'10".

Just like the other 8% of
women in Tacoma, you mean?

Where do you get these statistics from?

- Oh, is that Joe Biden?
- You ... Get out of here, man!

Stop flirting with my girl.

Taylor's mine.

She's mine!

Oh. Oho, oh.

Oh, you thirsty, boys?

Oh, drink that in.

So wet.

Wet and juicy.

I got juicy knees.

Hey... I got juicy knees.

Goodbye, scaly skin.

Creamy McConky.

Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup!

Where have you been all my life?

Thanks, Swisshelm!

Whoa, see, I told you
that was a bad idea.

Shh! Where is it?

- Do you think he locks this?
- Here, here, here, here. I got it.

- Let's go.
- Whoa, oh, oh, oh.

- Hey.
- What are you guys doing in here?

We're... We're looking for you.

You know, see how, uh,
the, uh, Swisshelm was...

- How's it...
- Working out.

You could have just asked me.

- Yeah.
- Oh, how's it...

- How's it working?
- Wait a minute.

You guys were trying to
steal it, weren't you?

- No way.
- You were doing something to it.

Why would we replace it
with anything or do anything?

You were pranking the chief's lotion.

- I never did that in my day.
- Oh!

- That's some big balls you guys got.
- Yeah.

You guys got big balls.

You guys are flying a little
too close to the sun, huh?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- You got us.
- All right.

I tell you what... you
got to wake up pretty early

in the morning to put one
over on old Creamy McConky.

Hey, Chief, I don't
know if you... you...

- Dismissed!
- Okay, thanks.

Station 24 to Dispatch.

This is Lucy and Granny.

We were wondering if
we could get an address

on that busted power
line from earlier today.

Checking. One moment please.

And how's your week been?

Oh, you know how it is when
it's that time of the month.

Payday!

So...

what are your co-workers like?

Oh! Darn it!

I just sat on my nuts!

Come on. I was saving
those almonds for later.

That doesn't help us at all.

I've got an idea.

Start the car.

All righty.

Think you're gonna prank the chief, huh?

I'll show you how to prank somebody.

You guys are amateurs.

You don't prank the chief.

Nobody pranks the chief, okay?

Hey, guys, guys! Come here! Come here!

- What's up?
- I was making some sandwiches,

and I made a few extra.

Don't you hate when that happens?

And, uh, I was thinking maybe you guys

might like to eat them, hmm?

Yeah, they're great.
They're really delicious.

Seriously, sit down right now.

- I could eat.
- Take a bite.

Take a bite. They're really good.

Delicious sandwiches right there.

Hey. Bite them at the same time.

That's always fun.

You want us to bite
them at the same time?

- Like friends.
- Okay.

Ah! I got you guys!

- That's not mayo.
- What?

It's lotion!

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

I put the Swisshelm cream on there!

That's a horrible prank!

- Oh, man!
- It tastes like...

- Oh, yeah.
- ... lotion in my mouth.

- Oh, man.
- Oh, you guys are idiots!

Come on!

Ohh! Man!

- Egh!
- Hey.

That's why you
don't prank the chief.

'Cause the chief gonna
prank you 10 times harder.

- Man, you got us, Chief.
- Oh, man.

- Idiots.
- Yeah.

- Oh, I'm gonna feel sick for a while.
- Gross!

Pretty good sandwich, though.

Yeah, it's not bad, actually.

Guess my brother isn't
the deviant scumbag

I thought he was.

Hmm.

What do you think,
lawn boy? You thirsty?

- Parched.
- Ohh.

You got something?

I'd like you to mow me.

Oh!

- Take me. Take me!
- I'm taking you.

He has got to be in here.

I'm sure she is.

Dispatch to Engine 3.
Commercial fire alarm at...

2-7-1... 84th and Mastery.

It's her?

Engine 8, Engine 14,
switch to channel 3.

We have a gas leak at an
apartment complex at 2381

- Wilson Avenue.
- It's him?

Vehicle accident, multiple cars...

... westbound on West Valley Highway.

How do they all sound like Taylor?

Excuse me. Is there a
Taylor who works here?

Oh, you must mean the TAYLOR...

Tacoma Automated Linguistic
Optimization Robot.

- What?
- All the dispatchers' voices

are run through that synthesizer.

They found that firefighters'
response times are shorter

when we're unidentifiable.

We've actually been
having a pretty good time

with the anonymity.

Damn it. I just sat on my nuts.

I was saving those almonds for later.

These boobs are killing me.

I work with a bunch of morons.

Ooh, Ken, this is Paramedic Smith!

Oh, welcome to the
science lab, lover boy.

McConky, which one of us
sounds like Joe Biden now, huh?

Hey, McConky, don't forget to vote.

Station 24, medical
emergency... broken hip.

21219 Proctor Avenue.

Come on, man. That's us.

Hey, just so you guys
know, it's not cool to mess

with people's feelings.

- It's totally cool.
- Totally cool.

Why was she naked? I don't know.

I don't know, I was out,
here mowing the lawn.

It's not against the
law for a senior citizen

to walk around naked in her own home.

- You know that, right?
- Cap, I know that, yeah.

How'd she break her hip?

I don't know. I-I was out
here, okay, remember?

And I heard what sounded like
somebody stepping on a twig,

and then I turned around, and
there she was with a broken hip.

Ohhh.

Chunky.

Look at how shiny he is.

- Is he sweating?
- Ohh.

Hey, Chief, what are you doing here?

I think the question is,
what's Eddie doing here?

Yeah. I mean, how can you hear

the sound of a twig
snap while she's inside?

I'm... I'm the one that's
traumatized here, okay?

- Like...
- Hey.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Having sex with a
73-year-old woman?

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

Whoa!

Is that what happened?

- No.
- She's got osteoporosis.

Why would you put her in
that kind of a position?

Oh, what position?
Missionary fifth base?

- Nice.
- I was just doing what she wanted.

She's dying, okay?

Actually, I'm not.

I just say that to all
my naive boy toys.

Oh! Hey-o!

Hey, EMT man, I like your tight pants.

- They look good.
- Wow.

- Wow.
- Get it, girl.

- She don't stop.
- Oh.

Chief does not look good.

Oh, man. We got to say something.
You got to say something.

Hey, Chief.

- Dad!
- Chief!

- Oh, my God!
- No, no, no.

We're taking this one to the grave.

Chief? Did you trip or something?

That's a virulent strain of salmonella.

I bet I got lotion on that sandwich.

Mnh, no, honey.

You can't get salmonella from lotion.

Yes, you can.

I used that lotion all day long,

and then I was fainting,
and I was puking.

And the last time I
fainted, I had a vision...

I was visited by this guy... St. Ives,

the patron saint of dry skin.

And he said I dishonored him,
so that's got to mean something.

- We're gonna head out, Chief.
- All right, see you, pal.

Wait, guys. Just hold on.

I just want to say I-I'm feeling
an enormous amount of remorse

- for what I did to you guys.
- What?

No, don't worry about it, Chief, please.

I fed you guys a lotion sandwich.

- Oh, yeah, right.
- One sandwich.

I mean, I've eaten weirder
sandwiches than that.

I mean, you could be
laying here right now.

- Ohh. God.
- Yeah.

You should rest.

Ohh.

And I shouldn't have done
it, and I'm sorry about that.

- We're over it.
- We're fine.

Can you forgive me?

We forgive you, Chief,
all right? Just get better.

- Let's go.
- It was Andy's idea.

He switched your lotion for mayo.

I didn't want to do it,
but he wanted to do it.

I'm so sorry!

I thought we were going
to the grave with that.

No, you said that. You said that.

- I did for both of us.
- Mayo?

I mean, how do we know it's the mayo?

Of course it was the mayo.

There's eggs in mayo.

We didn't know that
there was eggs in mayo.

No, there's not eggs in mayo.

You gave your chief salmonella?

- Not on purpose.
- We didn't try to...

Okay. Your blood pressure's gonna rise.

- Let's calm down.
- Get me out of this bed.

No. No, no. You shouldn't get up.

I'm gonna get some bacteria on you guys.

Ohh.

He's gone.

It smells funny. Is he dead?

You guys, get the hell out of
here before he wakes up, please.

♪ Underwear ♪

♪ You'll eat my underwear ♪

♪ You're eating my underwear ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, eating my underwear ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

By the way, you owe me $14 for that.