Original subtitles

- It's like watching a mummy unwrap itself.

- I mean, how long can this go on for, really?

- Oh, she'll... she'll get there. Oh, nope, nope, she's going

in the wrong direction now. - Come on, Myrtle.

- Oh, this could take a while.

- Ugh, can we, like, get some coat hooks or something?

- Well, before we do that, can we fix this drip?

Or, like, at least get a new bucket?

- Oh, I would love to fix that, but, no, corporate

only gave us $15.00 for break room repairs,

and we blew through that on the bat traps.

- Speaking of corporate, this memo just came through:

"This time of year, many of us suffer

"from Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Look out for the following symptoms of depression..."

- Pfft! Who would get depressed here?

- "Listlessness..." - Come on.

- "Irritability..." - You wish.

- "General discontent..." - No way.

- "Apathy..." - Give me a break.

- "Above all, remember Cloud 9 cares.

"This memo clears parent company of any liability

for employee suicide."

- Hmm, Cloud 9 really does care.

- Well, they did send a letter.

- Hey. - Oh, hey, Dina, what's up?

- So are you just planning to avoid me

until one of us quits, or...?

- No, no, no, no, it's just, you know, I've been busy.

You know, different shifts, whatevers and etceteras.

Look, Dina, the time we had together was special,

but, as a child of divorce... - Oh, believe me.

I have absolutely no interest in pursuing this.

I mean, do you have any idea the kind of men I've had?

Sky diving instructors, hand models,

two of the original members of Fine Young Cannibals.

Come on. - Okay, well, great.

So just a one time thing then. - Oh, yeah.

Just don't be weird, and things will be fine.

- Okay, I won't be weird, lady who has multiple birds.

- Sandra's up. - All right, Sandra!

- Am I doing this right? - Yes, but pace yourself.

- Okay. - I can't believe you guys

do this every year. - Well, corporate tells us

to clean out Lost and Found every January,

- We used to give it to charity, but then Goodwill told us

not to leave our trash on their loading dock.

- Hurry up, Sandra. It's not like

- Please, hold on, last year I ended up with a broken comb.

I just need one second.

- Boo! Three, two, one.

- Ah! - And Sandra's got

an old pair of dentures, yes!

- A lot of good stuff in there this year.

- Oh, hey, uh, Tate, you're basically

a doctor, right?

- Even better, I'm a pharmacist. Doctor to the doctors.

- Oh, close enough, anyway I... - Do I regret not going

for the big M-D? Not usually, sometimes.

Yeah, when I'm laying in my tanning bed alone

with my thoughts... sometimes.

- Hey, anyway, um, I wanted to ask you a question.

- Sure. - Okay, I always thought

depression was this thing that housewives invented

so they could take extra naps, but you don't think

that people around here could have it, do you?

- Well, there are lots of employees here

on antidepressants. - What? Who?

- Glenn, you know I can't tell you that.

- Well, how many?

About 20.

13 women, 7 men. Now, I can't give you names,

but it's mostly the uggos.

Doesn't really narrow it down.

- You know, I do volunteer work at this children's ward,

and there's a guy who dresses up as a clown and goes around

cheering up the kids.

Maybe that would work?

They say laughter's the best medicine.

- The best medicine is penicillin.

At least it used to be. With all these superbugs now,

we might all be dead in ten years,

so I guess laughter's as good as anything.

- Okay.

- I think I saw a stuffed giraffe in here,

and Harmonica loves giraffes, so, uh, ooh!

- And it's a wig. - Ooh, I can't give this to her.

She'll think I'm slamming her for being bald.

- Ooh, oh, it's a VHS copy of "Murder, She Wrote,"

seasons three, episodes seven through nine.

- Oh, God. Cargo shorts?

- A journal. All right, what do we got here?

- There you go girl, oh, yeah!

- Ooh. - Hey.

- Ooh. - Oh, a purse.

- Oh, look at this. - Ooh.

- There's a squeaker in it, too. How cute is that?

- Ooh. - Why?

- Ahh, there it is. My birds love these.

- Okay. Wow, that actually looks really nice.

- Someone left that here? - Ooh, this kind of works on me.

- Yeah, it's great, if you wanna wear a man's jacket

and look like a man. Hey, everyone, look at that man

wearing that man's jacket. Get used to it 'cause

- Hey, Mateo, would you like to swap this leather jacket

for your cargo shorts? - What? No.

Are you sure? 'Cause I don't care.

But, you know, if... If you want, I mean, yeah.

- If you're gonna be... - Thank you so much.

- A little bitch about it.

Okay, who's next?

- Hey, Cheyenne.

How you doing?

- Just a little down, you know, some days

you get the giraffe, and other days you get the wig.

- That's so true.

But hey, what is your favorite animal, hmm?

- Ooh, a peacock.

- A peacock.

Okay, that's... That's ambitious.

I know how to do a dog, so...

- Okay, dog. - No, no, you said peacock.

One peacock, coming up.

Ow!

My eye! Ow, ow, ow! - Oh, oh, no, no, I did...

- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

- Hey, Janet. What's your favorite animal?

- A clownfish... - Okay.

- Riding a bicycle.

- Hey, Dina, uh, I can't work on Thursday,

but Brett said he'd cover for me,

- Oh, boy, here we go. Cue Garrett being weird.

- What? No, I'm just... I can't work on Thursday, so...

- Do you even hear yourself right now?

Wow.

- No, you were supposed to cancel dinner with your parents.

No, Adam, I can't keep doing everything for you.

No, I'm not yelling, I am whispering.

Okay, you know what? I can't talk about this

right now, I'm at work. Good-bye.

- Amy, I have an important question.

Might I borrow these this weekend?

I'm attending the opera.

- Um, yes, all you need now is a T-shirt

with Bugs Bunny dressed like a cholo, and you're ready to go.

Oh, you know what?

I think you left some stuff in your pockets.

Yeah, here we go. Here is your old end of a joint.

Enjoy. - Yes, I've been

looking for that. - Here's your half-filled

tin of dip, didn't know you were a dipper.

- Yeah, don't even talk to me before I dip.

- Fliers for sexy escorts. - Gross.

- This one says, "Carerra is gymnast."

So you might wanna keep her at the top of the pile.

An old receipt, and, uh, here is your...

giant wad of cash.

- Seriously?

- Oh, yeah.

I'm the bad boy of my friend group.

- Silly string attack! - No, what are you doing?

- What? - This stuff stains.

- I'm so sorry.

I was just trying to brighten your day.

Here.

I forgot it was gonna do that.

- $906. - Somewhere in St. Louis,

there's an overweight stoner who can't pay his escort.

What are you gonna do with it?

- I don't know, I mean, I guess I'll pay some bills...

- Mm-hmm. - And then my sister needs

a new windshield, and my mom's crisper drawer

in her fridge is broken, so...

So sorry, I-I get that your mother's fridge

is super exciting, but I meant what are you gonna do for you?

- I don't need anything.

- No, it's not about need. This is not about need.

This is free money. This is your chance

to get you something. So I want you

to close your eyes... do it... And I'm gonna

ask you a question, and I want you to say

the first thing that pops into your mind.

Stop laughing. Take this seriously, okay?

This mental image of you doing that cliché where you

get me to magically discover the one thing I never knew

I wanted... so dumb. Okay, my mind's clear.

- Well, now you ruined it, so you're never gonna know

- Okay, look, if I were gonna splurge on myself,

there is this really fancy spa that I drive by every day

on my way to work, and I have imagined

what it would be like to, like, go in there

and be like, do it up.

- Yes! You be selfish.

This is your moment. - Yeah, I'm going to.

- Good, I'm glad I could help. - You didn't really

do that much, but... - Anytime.

- Okay.

- Huh? Come on, huh?

- I guess it's starting to work.

Maybe if you go a little faster?

- Yeah, I can go faster, sure.

- Yeah, the fog's definitely lifting now.

- Oh, good! Good, good.

Whew! Sorry, 'cause...

I need to take a little break.

- Oh, yeah, fine, just stop. Just make it all stop.

- No, no, no, no, no, I-I'll keep going.

Here we go, okay. Ahh, having a good time.

- Stop smiling at me. - I'm not smiling at you.

- Oh, grow up.

- Come on, I'm going faster, see?

Fast as I can.

- Hey, come here and check it out.

Salt scrub, essential oils, deep tissue rub-down.

For 900 bucks, they basically treat you like a brisket.

- For 900 bucks minus the 80 or so I may have given

to Cheyenne for diapers. - You suck at being selfish.

- Look, $820.00 is plenty to have a nice day at the spa.

And every single penny of that money

is going to this girl.

- Amy found $900.00! What should we all do with it?

- In retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't have told her

how much we found.

- You should've just fixed your mom's crisper.

I don't remember.

- Hey! No monkey business at work.

Yeah, you have to tell me

if you're smiling. - I'm not.

Well, I bet I can cheer you up,

or I'm a monkey's uncle.

- Oh, well, I guess the thing that's

really concerning me is my boss.

He's got a lot of problems.

- What? That's bananas.

- Yeah, uh, actually, none of his employees

respect him, retail's dying,

yet he works at a crap store, he tried to be a deacon

at his church like five times, but they just don't want him.

Oh, and for the record, that whole banana thing?

That's actually a myth. Yeah, most monkeys live and die

without ever having seen a banana.

Their lives are short, violent, and horrifying.

- Dina?

Are you there?

- Well, I would return the money if I knew whose it was,

- Although we did find weed, dip, porn, and a receipt

for an Arizona iced tea, so we know it's

somebody with class. - Was the iced tea

raspberry or regular? - Does it matter, Sandra?

- No. Sorry.

- So do we all just split the money?

- Well... - Yo, I say we take this money

to the track, double it, then double it again,

double it again, then lose it.

- Guys, guys, hold on just a second.

So Amy found the money, and Amy's always wanted

to get a massage at this day spa.

- So we're all just gonna go get massages?

- That's... - He's got a point though.

We should treat ourselves to something nice.

Can we at least use some of the money to buy coat hooks?

- Oh, and some lamps because these fluorescent lights

got people looking like Tilda Swinton.

- Ooh, and Amy, you can finally get your bucket.

- But, guys, these are... There are all great ideas,

but, um, Amy found the money, so maybe Amy should be able

to do with it as she pleases.

- Right, and, um, what I wanna do with it is...

Fix up the break room.

- Yo, this is gonna be dope. We're gonna get all these lamps.

- What? I get a new bucket.

- A bucket? - Yeah, a new one.

- Hey, look, I just wanted to clarify about earlier

when I was smiling, that I wasn't.

I mean, I wasn't smiling at you. See, I was pretending to smile

because Glenn is, like, trying to make people happy,

and, like, was doing, so I was...

Look, point is, I wasn't being weird.

- Right, okay, so you accidentally smiled at me,

then let your neuroses build up to the point that you

had to track me down in the dressing rooms

to explain it away... like a normal person.

- Oh, no, I just... What... what I was doing...

- Is this your first time? Is that what this is about?

- No... - Listen, it's nothing

to be ashamed of, okay?

You're actually the third v-card I've taken.

And don't you go falling in love with me.

- What?

- Ooh, a panini press! We could have hot sandwiches.

- Uh, okay, yeah. Put it in the cart.

What? I love hot sandwiches.

Ask anybody. - I just thought

that the rest of the money was gonna go to this gal.

- It is because what makes me happy

is seeing other people be happy.

- Oh, really? Great, because I would be

so happy if I had a psychedelic lava lamp.

- Great, that's... Okay, thank you.

Really nice with my brand-new framed photo of Ronald Regan.

- That too.

- Fantastic, do we sell above-ground pools?

- Uh, hey, don't get up. Uh, are you the one

I'm supposed to talk to about changing the water cooler

in the pharmacy? - Nah, man.

- Oh, I'd do it myself, but not waterproof.

It's heavy though, you wanna try it on?

Nah, I'm cool.

Don't be shy. My other one's better,

of course. Wouldn't wear it here.

Way too expensive. - What it do, Pikachu?

- Ugh.

- Well, that was weird. - No, it wasn't weird.

It was completely normal.

Everything... I'm chill, man.

- Okay.

- Hey, excuse me, uh, my son is taking dishes off the shelves

and smashing them on the floor.

Can you, uh, stop him?

I don't want him to think of me as a bad guy.

- Um, let me find someone to help you with that.

Where is everybody?

- This is the best day of my life.

- You just had a baby.

- What ya doing there, buddy?

Hi.

Oh, you're... oh, okay, uh, here, hand me one.

I got ya, I got ya. Thanks... ooh!

This is real heavy.

You going somewhere?

Oh, you're taking the stairs. Uh, I'm gonna take the elevator.

- Mommy, look!

- I know, he's taking the elevator.

- No, he's just bending his knees.

Come on. - Hey.

- Anyone could tell that's what he was doing.

- Cranky mime.

- Ooh, that's nice.

Oh, hey, Tate, can I get a turn on that?

- There's a sign-up sheet.

- Oh, it looks like you've signed yourself up

for the rest of the day.

- Well, there's no rule against it.

I'm not gonna apologize for taking advantage of a loophole.

- Tate, get your ass out of my chair.

- What? It's all of our chair.

- No, actually, I bought the chair

with the money I found because I wanted everybody

to be happy, including me. So get out of my chair

before I pull you out by your greasy, little hair plugs.

- All right, all right, I'm getting up, you psycho.

- Thank you.

- And threatening a pharmacist, by the way?

That's a felony. Probably.

- Oh, this is so nice.

I'm relaxing now.

- I see that.

- Guess what. I found the guy

who lost the $900.

- Whoa, it looks great in here.

- So I read the date of the receipt

for the Arizona iced tea and remembered

that I had sold it seven months ago.

- Right, 'cause you have that awesome memory

- I have highly superior autobiographical memory,

like Marilu Henner. - Oh.

- Anyway, I remembered selling the same man a pack

of tube socks back on March 29th, so I searched

the loyalty card database and there he was.

Stuart Mitchell.

- Thank you so much for calling me.

I work with my church counseling at-risk youth,

and this was the money I'd gotten together

to organize a field trip to Peru.

- I'm sorry, I just think it's a little suspicious

that you have this perfect excuse planned out

for why you needed the money, and it just so happens

to make you look like a nice guy.

- Yeah, if the shorts are really yours,

what else was in the pockets?

- Oh, um, I think that day I'd taken away

a bit of a joint from one kid,

and some dirty pictures from another one.

- Nice. - Then why don't you explain

the dip, huh? What about the dip?

- I use dip.

That checks out.

- It's a good try. - Thank you.

You guys have a really nice break room.

- We did. - Sure did.

- I know this is a weird time, but my birthday's on Friday,

and it's gonna be at Dave and Buster's.

I'll just email you the details.

- Hey. - Hey.

- What's wrong? - Nothin', I'm cool.

Just chillin'. - So weird.

- You're the weird one!

You're so weird that nobody even can tell

how weird you really are 'cause you make weird normal!

If there was a day that you acted normal,

now that would be weird, right?

Right? Oh, oh, okay.

I'm the crazy one?

Maybe so. I am yelling in public,

which is not something I normally do,

completely out of character, possibly a little crazy!

Can I help you, Turtleneck? You need some help?

Now, if anybody needs me, I'll be in my car

listening to yacht rock and eating two Take 5s

to calm myself down!

Whoo!

You know, some days you get the giraffe,

some days you get the wig.

- I'm sorry?

- It's an expression.

You haven't heard that?

Okay.

I mean, I did everything I could.

Just some people just don't want to be cheered up.

Maybe it's just the time of year.

- Adam's sleeping in the basement.

Yeah.

I told him I wasn't happy.

I don't know what I expected him to say,

but he said, "I'm not happy either,"

which is definitely not what I expected him to say.

And, so, we talked about it, and then we yelled about it,

and then we just stopped talking.

And now it's all weird and tense

and Emma's all upset and it's just... it's miserable.

Amy, I am so sorry.

Do you want a balloon animal?

No, thank you.

It is kind of nice to talk about it though.

- Well, talk away.

Okay.

- Yeah. - Yeah.