All language subtitles for Superstore.S02E06.Halloween.Theft.720p.WEB.x264-[MULVAcoded]

- Today is a high-alert day.

I can't stress enough
the importance

in light of the serious threats
we'll be facing.

- Dina's right.

So everybody keep an eye out

for anything
out of the ordinary.

- Let's watch out for people
buying toilet paper, eggs,

shaving cream, ketchup,

your squeezables,
your squirtables...

Everything is a weapon
today, okay?

- What about guns?
- Those are fine.

Incidentally,
that costume is ridiculous.

Professor X doesn't
drink martinis.

Yes, but James Bond does.

- Ugh.

Stop being the Halloween
version of Scrooge,

whatever that is.

Oh, Booge!

Boo, Scrooge.
I just thought of that.

- Yeah, don't be such a Booge.

Put on a costume.

Yeah, don't be a Booge!

From a group of people
I don't respect.

Now, that's scary.

I mean, I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but Sandra's the only
other grown-up here.

- Actually, I am dressed up.
I'm you.

- What?
- "Shut up, Sandra."

Shut up, Sandra!

- Oh, my God, that's so cool.

You're gonna be twinsies.
- No, we're not.

- Wait, you guys
should stand together all day.

- Yeah, I'm gonna find
a costume to put on.

- Booge.

- So let's keep an eye out
for teens, tweens,

people who look inappropriately
large or small...

Are you guys
even listening to me?

Hello?

Nothing.

- Yep, got it.

- It's a...
interesting costume.

- Yeah, you know, what's crazy
are those... the boots.

- Boots.
Yes, definitely the boots.

- I cannot stop staring
at her giant breasts.

- You know,
now that you say it...

- There is a lot
of décolletage, yes.

- I'm seeing it.

- You guys, relax.

We all think
she looks hot, okay?

- No, not me.

I mean, maybe with another
personality in that body, sure,

ta-dow, but you got to factor in
the Dina that lies beneath.

- Not so fast.

I want to know exactly
what you're planning

to do with this toilet paper.

- Uh, I'll take extra bacon,
extra cheese,

and if you can,
make it extra quick,

'cause this outlaw
needs to get his grub on.

- Boo!
- Jeff.

- Hey.
- What are you doing here?

- Oh, uh, there was a stabbing
at the Kirkwood store.

Well, that's boring,
but, you know,

I'm in town till tomorrow, so,
you know, I'm free tonight if...

I know it's last-minute,
but...

- Please, last-minute is fine.

It's not like I'm one of those
people who can't go on a date

unless he, you know, works out

and waxes and plucks
and bleaches...

Got to plan at least
two or three outfits.

- Good. All right, well, then
I'll pick you up after work.

- That sounds great.
- Right?

- Jeff?
- Hey.

- Hey.
To what do we owe this honor?

- Oh, um, well, I just came...

- Oh, right,
the Kirkwood stabbing.

I heard about that.
That poor nun.

- Not actually a real nun,
by the way...

Just a woman in a costume.

- But still, stabbed
right in the face... oh.

Yeah.
- Terrible Halloween.

- Hey, did you see?
I'm a hot dog.

- I did.
- Yeah.

- Happy Halloween!
Bye!

- I love
how into Halloween you are.

- Oh, my God, it's
my favorite day of the year.

And later, I get to go
trick-or-treating with Emma,

which is the best.

- Oh, and it doesn't get
any cuter than this.

- Left and right and whoo-whoo!

Come on, keep doing
the candy dance.

Left and right and...

Oh, look, it's working!

It's working!
Way to go!

- Ma'am, you realize
that candy from strangers

can contain razor blades
and heroin needles, right?

- I'm sorry?

- Dina, again,

I did not put heroin needles
in the candy.

I'm just saying, best-case
scenario: free chocolate bar.

Worst-case scenario:
"Trainspotting."

- Okay.
Thanks anyway.

- You have to stop
harassing the customers.

- I will not apologize
for my commitment

to our customers' safety.

- Dina, don't make me have to...
- What?

- What would you do
if you were me?

- Oh, Glenn, if I was you,

I would've killed myself
years ago.

- Okay.
- Dina?

You know, I think I saw
some really sketchy types

headed for the stockroom.

- Yeah, they were...
They were carrying, uh,

toilet paper and shaving cream.

- What?

Those are exactly the things

I said to look out for.

It's like I just talk to myself
in this store.

- Thanks, Amy.

I was really gonna
let her have it.

- Has anyone noticed anything
out of the ordinary back here?

- Well, it's Halloween,
so everything's

kind of out of the ordinary.

- Get out of my way, Janay.

- It's Janet.

- Why is this unlocked?

Janay, who unlocked this?

- Funny, I've never been, uh...

Never been assigned here before.

- Hmm.

- Jewelry's a real can of worms

in terms of feminism, you know?

- Uh-huh.

This is great.

This is great,
us working together.

I feel like we never really
had the chance to... to...

To bond, really.

- Yeah, totally.

- Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers,

I vant to suck your blood

and test it for diabetes.

At-home insulin kits
are now half off.

Are you looking
for spook-tacular savings?

Because Cloud 9 has it all.

You can get, um, the...

Uh...

Attention, shoppers,
I vant to suck your blood.

Oh, I did that one.

Oh.
- Everybody freeze!

There's been an employee theft
in the store.

Nobody can leave.
I repeat, no one.

Well, sorry, I-I actually
just meant the employees.

Customers can leave.

So... unfreeze.

You okay?
You look sick.

- Sick?
Yeah, I'm sick.

- At 8:24, a crate of irregular
produce was put in the cage

to be returned to fulfillment
and destroyed.

Now it's missing.
- I'm sorry.

Irregular produce?
You mean rotten?

- No, what I'm talking about is
lumps, bumps, extra appendages,

apples that look like pears,
pears that look like guavas.

- So we're just throwing away
perfectly good food

because it's ugly?

- Looks matter, Jonah.

You should know that, being
the prettiest person in here.

- I will be interrogating
each and every one of you.

No one leaves until I find out
who did it.

- Ugh, come on.
- No.

- No!
- What?

- No, you can't just
keep us here.

I'm going trick-or-treating
with my daughter.

- Yeah, I have a date...
uh, with a good book.

- I'm going to a screening
of "Nosferatu" at the Tivoli,

if anybody wants to come.

- Wow, that sounds
really terrible.

- Okay, listen, none of this
is my problem.

Justice does not stop
for your plans.

- Glenn, you're not gonna
let her do this to us, right?

- Absolutely not.

- Interrogations
start immediately.

- Well, if it's
already starting...

- Man.

- So, Amy Dubanowski.

Perfect, perfect, perfect,
perfect Amy Dubanowski.

- Why would I steal
a crate of fruit?

I mean, clearly you've been
having trouble making ends meet:

neglecting your
personal hygiene,

the old clothes,
busted-up shoes,

the ratty hair,
hints of meth mouth.

- Okay, I'm leaving.

- Uh-uh, you're not
going anywhere

until you answer
all of my questions.

Did you take the fruit?
- No.

- Then you can go.

By the way...

- That headpiece
looks great on you.

- Oh. Thank you.

- Topics, topics, topics...

Oh, uh, who do you think
stole the produce?

- I was thinking, okay,
maybe Marcus.

He's been to prison before
for public peeing.

- Really?

Well, I was thinking Mary,

because I heard
that she's drinking again.

- No.

- Mm-hmm.

- Alcohol?

- I think so, yeah.

- It's the... it's the bun.

- I can't help but notice
that you're sweating.

Got any secrets
you'd like to share?

- You know, some thieves
have a tell...

Like talking with your hand
over your mouth.

- Oh.

- You don't have the courage
or the intelligence

to have stolen anything.

- Then why are you even
talking to me?

- I just wanted you
to know that.

- Did I steal the fruit?
No.

Was it an act of civil
disobedience that I admire?

Yes.

Do I know who stole it?

No.

- Stop interrogating yourself.

- Maybe you put the fruit
somewhere and forgot.

One time, I texted Bo
that I couldn't find my phone,

and then he's like "Hey, dummy,
what are you texting me on?"

And I'm like "Oh, yeah, right.
Goofy face emoji."

What was that?

- Do I like fruit?
Yes.

What's my favorite fruit?
Tropical.

Be more specific.

Mango.

- There's something about you
I just don't trust.

- Okay.
Let's do this.

- Did you steal the fruit?
- No.

- You can go.

- What if she doesn't
find out who did it?

- Can she just
keep us here all night?

- No!

I have to be home in an hour

to trick-or-treat
with Emma.

Will all employees
please meet me in the warehouse

for a secret meeting?

Don't tell Dina.

Secret meeting.

- Smart.

- We all have plans
tonight, right?

- Yeah.
- Why you looking at me?

I don't have any plans.
Why...

- Okay, well, plans or no plans,
whoever took the fruit

should just give it back,

and we'll just tell Dina
that it was misplaced.

Okay?
- Yes.

- Yeah?
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

- Great.

So who took it?

Come on, guys.

No one's perfect.

I used to shoplift from the mall
all the time.

Mostly black lipstick.
I was going through a phase.

But we all do things we regret.
So...

- I'm not even a member
of the Sierra Club.

I just put the sticker
on my bumper.

- I don't pay taxes.

- I catfished my school nurse,

and she ended up
moving to Australia

to meet a picture
of Michael Fassbender

- Okay, does anybody want
to confess to taking the fruit?

- I have some questions
about what Cheyenne said.

- Fine.
Forget it.

- She works at a smoothie stand
on the beach now.

- Hmm.
- I think she's happy.

- Hey, man, if Dina asks
where I am, cover for me.

- Why? What's going on?

- Between us, I can't be
around Dina in that costume.

It's like,
my rational brain says

that's the same crazy fascist

that physically removed gum
from my mouth,

but my caveman brain
says, "Hey, man, boobs."

It's very confusing.

- You could just
not look at her...

- Have you seen my eye line?
It's unavoidable.

- Fair enough.
- Just keep it on the DL.

- All right, I got you, son.
- Oh, God, don't say that.

- Guess who has a crush on Dina.

- You?

Obviously, Kirkwood's a no-go
with the whole stabbing thing.

But Chesterfield doesn't go
through their produce

till Friday.

- We'll get their uglies.
Good idea.

Hang on.

Oh.

Uh, I can't reach my wallet.

There's a slit between the meat
and the bun,

if you could just
snake your hand in.

- Um, I'll buy it.
- Okay, thanks.

- The only problem is that Dina
put a guard at the door.

- What?

- We need to come up
with some kind of plan.

- Oh!

- Whoa.

This place is lame on a stick.

- Really? I don't think
it looks that different.

- Seriously?

Where the jewelry's
supposed to be.

It's like, what?

- Okay.
Produce, produce, produce.

- It should be aisle ten.
- Okay.

- What?

Look how dim it is.

What is this, a nightclub?

- Whoa.

This is wildly inappropriate.

- Well, you've been acting weird
and avoiding me all day.

- No, I haven't.

I've just been
keeping my head down,

keeping my mind on work,
you know.

- Wow, so guilty, you can't even
look at me, can you?

- I'm looking right at you.

- Excuse me, we're having
a private conversation.

Thank you.

- Ugly. Ugly.

- Wait, wait.

This one looks like
Matthew McConaughey.

"All right, all right,
all right."

- That's really good, Mateo,
but we need to focus.

Ooh.

You know what?
This one's all nasty.

How about you take one
of the nicer-looking grapefruit?

- Oh, I don't care how it looks.
- Good.

Well, then if you don't care
what it looks like,

you can just take one of these.

- I want this one.
- Why?

- Because I want it,
and I need it.

- No, you don't need this one.
- Yes, I do.

- Okay, just give it to me.
- I had it first.

- Just give her the ugly
grapefruit!

Sorry.

I just want you to be able to go
trick-or-treating with your son.

- Daughter.
- Whatever.

- That's narrow.

Excuse me.
- Hmm?

- Where are your bathrooms?

- Just back and to the right.

You're joking, right?

- I-I don't believe so.

- I'm amazed you guys
stay open, honestly.

I finished marking down
the clearance items.

- Great!

Why don't you work
on the shrink reports?

- Will do, boss.
- All right.

- Wait, is that
your assistant manager?

- Oh, yeah, Kelly.
She's the best.

- She was so nice to you.

- She's nice...

to me, yeah.

Oh, just to the right there.

Sir? Yeah.

There you go.
You got it now.

- And Susie went to Mexico
for liposuction,

but something happened,

and now she has a bunch
of bugs in her butt.

- Wow, I'm really rooting
for that story to be true.

Hey, uh, what do people
say about me?

- Nothing.
- Oh, come on, come on.

I'm sure you've heard something.

It's fine. It's fine.
I can... thick skin.

- Okay, well...

some people think
that you wear a wig,

and some people think
that you have a crush on Amy,

and some people think
that you're a Sea Org,

- Wait, people think
I have a crush on Amy?

- Mm-hmm.
- What?

She's married.
That's...

I mean, not that you can't
have a crush

on someone who's married,

but I mean, you know, yuck.

You know, not yuck.
I think she's pretty.

But she's not, like,
pretty-pretty.

I mean, she's... I don't know.
That's insane.

Who's saying...
Like, who specifically...

Who's saying that?

- Just people.
Like, everyone.

- Kelly will do, like,
anything Bobby asks.

You know, Bobby will be like,
"Hey, Kelly, do this,"

and Kelly will be like,
"With pleasure, Bobby."

And then Bobby will be like,
"Thanks, Kelly."

- Glenn, I don't know who either
of those people are.

Oh.

Hey!
- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, baby,
I know I'm running late,

but I promise you I'm not gonna
miss trick-or-treating.

- Actually, is it okay if I go
to Finley's house instead?

Dad said he'd drop me off.
- Oh.

Um, I...
Yeah, yeah.

I mean, if you want.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Yes, yes, of course.
It's cool.

That just means
more candy for me.

Num, num, num, num, num, num.

- Oh, sweetie.
Hang up.

- Thanks, Mom!
- Yeah.

- Bye, Emma!

It's Glenn.
I'm a hot dog.

- Okay.

- Garrett, Garrett, Garrett,

Garrett, Garrett, Garrett...

Garrett.

What are you thinking about
right now?

Hmm? Fruit, maybe?

What kind of fruit...
Tart little kiwis?

No, I bet you like big,
juicy melons, don't you?

- Come on, you know
what you're doing here.

- Yeah, I do.
Catching a thief.

- Now, listen.

Just admit what you did,
and we can end this right now.

- All right, fine, okay?
I took the fruit.

Whatever it takes.
Just get me out of here.

- See?

Doesn't that feel better?

- I'm having the weirdest day.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What happened to your costume?

- I just didn't feel
like wearing it anymore.

Emma wants to hang out with her
friends tonight instead of me.

- Oh, that's a bummer.

- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.

But it's, you know...
It's normal, right?

- Yeah, I guess.
It's...

Yes, yes, it's normal.

It's just, I just thought
I had, like, one

or maybe two more years
with her.

- Yeah.
- You know, it's weird.

It's like, you bring home
this cute little baby,

and all they want
is to be with you,

like, every second of every day,

and then they grow up,

and you're proud, of course,

but... but also sad and lonely.

- Yeah, no, babies
are hilarious.

I should probably
get back out there.

- "I admit I stole the fruit

like some Saudi Arabian
street rat."

You want me to sign this?
- Yes, I do.

Stop the interrogation.

We found it, yeah.

Look, crazy story...
It had fallen behind something.

- Interesting, because Garrett
just confessed to stealing it,

so somebody here is lying.

You know what?

I don't know
what's going on here,

but I intend to find out.

And if I have to keep everyone
here all night to do it,

so be it.

- No!
- I'm sorry, what?

- I said no!
This is over, okay?

I'm the Bobby here!

And if you don't like it,
you can go kick a cow!

So if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go home

and cut myself
out of this hot dog costume

and make love to my wife...

If she's up for it.

Hey.

- Hey, come on in.

- Ahh. Oof.
- Come on in.

- I got the seat warmer
on for you.

I put it on level one;
that's my favorite

'cause I don't think it's...

I think it's, like,
just warm enough,

You can put it on any level
you want, is the point.

- It's great.
- Okay.

- Ooh, toasty tush.
- Yeah.

- Okay, we should go
before someone sees us.

- Oh, yes, good call.

- Mm-hmm.

- Do you guys have any plans?

- We're seeing
"Nosferatu."

- Yeah, I don't know
why I'm going,

but I'm just in a weird
head space today.

- Which is exactly how you want
to see German expressionism.

- Mm.

- Uh, do you want to come?
- Uh...

- I mean, if you want to.

I don't care if you're there.

You could be there
or not be there.

It means nothing to me
if you're there, at all.

- You've charmed me.
I'm in.

- Uh, we're going to see
some terrible German film.

- The fact that it's German
is irrelevant.

- Oh, this just keeps
getting better.

- All right, I'm in too.
But I call both armrests.

- Uh, you should probably
button up your jacket, though,

'cause it's gonna be cold.

- Incidentally, I'm...
I'm Brexit.