Original subtitles

Look at her swinging back and forth.

The way the sunlight hits her skin.

I'd sure like to have that in my mouth.

Al, you are talking about a stupid apple...

...swinging from a tree.

You're missing the point, my little lust-buster.

I didn't even know that was an apple tree.

Wonder why it suddenly decided to bloom.

I've gotta quit eating out of that dumpster...

...behind the Mexican restaurant.

Honey, why don't you just go buy an apple?

Or at least pick that one. It's ripe.

No, it isn't, Peg.

It says so right here in Farmer Iggy's Almanac.

"Sow in summer, reap in fall.

Bury your wife when the wheat gets tall."

Oh, excuse me. That's his chapter on taters and loaf.

Does it say anything in there like, "Plant your barley, plant your rye.

Sell a shoe before you die."

No, Peg, it doesn't. You must be confusing that...

...with Farmer Iggy's wife's book: The Useless Crone's Almanac.

Pumpkin, pumpkin, I want you to do me a favor.

Go to the hardware store and get daddy some smudge pots.

What are smudge pots?

They keep your apples warm so they don't get frozen.

You call them Marines.

Son, I have an even more important job for you.

Go get me 50 pounds of manure.

Oh, and Bud, I need a jumbo box of tampons.

And don't forget my 'rhoid cream.

Anybody need anything embarrassing while I'm at it?

- Suppositories. - Suppositories.

I was just coming over to see you.

Not right now. I gotta go somewhere.

- Oh, well, can I go with you? - No.

And don't follow me either.

Well, Peg, I guess I'll go outside and be alone with my apple.

I'll just be here with my Oprah.

I wish my apple would grow as fast as your Oprah.

My husband pays too much attention to me.

He's always wanting sex. What should I do?

Send him over here.

Peg!

My apple's gone.

This neighborhood's going to hell.

First the double homicide and now this.

I think there might be a connection. There's a serial harvester at work.

- Oh, Al, tell me you're not calling-- - Police.

- Well, at least don't tell them you're-- - Al Bundy here.

I'd like to report a missing apple.

No, not some stupid computer, I'm talking about a fruit.

I know it's not a doughnut, but it's important to me.

He's transferring me to the chief of stolen produce.

Hey, guys.

Hello, who is this?

Lieutenant Granny Smith.

Wait a second. You sound like that Officer Jalopy I talked to...

...when I called to report the Dodge missing.

Okay, that's it. I'm calling the mayor.

Who is the mayor?

McCheese.

Okay, you're in trouble now, buddy. I voted for him.

And they say you can't fight city hall.

- Where'd you get that apple? - Oh, it was in my yard.

Oh, and it tastes even better than it looks.

I don't wanna spoil my appetite.

Hey, that was my apple.

- It was in my yard. - But it was on my tree.

The limb was hanging over my property.

Excuse me. You don't have any property.

Your wife has property, some of which is you.

This from a man who steals our paper, takes our bottled water...

...and eats out of our bird feeder?

Well, I wouldn't do that if you didn't put out those tasty pecans.

Jefferson, I was writing out a check to the workmen...

...and I found there was only one check left where 25 should be.

- Did they all look like this? - Yes.

I'll look into it.

Well, since you're both in a check-writing mood...

...I'd like to be reimbursed for my apple.

Pay no attention to him.

The fence is on the property line and the apple was on our side of the fence.

You can't go exactly by where the fence line is.

That fence was thrown together with boards and nails.

Peg, you remember the slipshod way you built it.

Yes, but at least the fence stayed up...

...which is more than I can say for the foreman.

And to think I had a stake and didn't drive it through your heart.

Jefferson, I'm suing you for damages.

Al, I'm suing you for mental stress.

- Talk about mental stress? - Yeah.

How about the night your shade was up and I watched your wife undress?

Well, how about us having to see your son soap himself?

Look, Jefferson, Bullwinkle.

This is getting you nowhere.

The way to settle a property-line dispute is simple.

- Get a survey done. - That's a good idea.

You ask 50 people, I'll ask 50 people, and we'll just see who--

Not that kind of survey, you double-dip.

- A property-line survey. - Yeah.

Yeah, then we'll find out once and for all...

...who's who and what's what.

Good idea. But I warn you...

...when this is all said and done, you, sir...

...will owe me an apple and an apology.

And so will your husband.

You know, Al, that surveyor really looks familiar.

Now, as I said...

...when parcel A and parcel B were divided up originally...

...the records were destroyed by fire.

But we do know that--

The little Partridge boy.

Al, doesn't he look exactly like Danny Partridge?

Peg, please, there's an apple at stake here.

- He does. - Well, I'm not.

Now as I was saying, the Bundy land was originally Indian land.

Actually, it was Indian landfill.

It's where they threw their rotting moccasins.

Now, it's because of that that the real property line...

...becomes very irregular and stinky.

So who does the apple tree really belong to?

Does it really matter?

The important thing is that we're neighbors...

...and we must get along.

Well, in answer to your question, the tree belongs...

- ...to the D'Arcys. - Yes!

- Hey, are you sure that you aren't--? - Yes, I'm sure.

I've never been so sure of anything in my entire life.

Let's go.

Let's go, Danny. We gotta be in Pittsburgh by midnight.

Come on, get happy.

I think since our fence line has never been challenged before...

...the next apple that grows on that tree should be mine.

Sorry, Al, you heard what the man said.

You mean to tell me you're gonna believe what a crazy surveyor...

...in a psychedelic bus says?

Look, Al, we agreed to abide by the results of the survey...

...and the survey says that the tree is ours.

That's right.

What's yourn is yourn and what's our'n is our'n.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a little apple-celebrating to do.

Adam and Eve style.

I wish there was something that I could do.

Oh, Al, just forget about the tree.

And why don't we do something Adam and Eve style?

That's a good idea, Peg.

You put a fig leaf over your face and give me back my rib.

Let me help you out with this, honey.

Well, here's to our new tree.

What should we call it?

How about firewood?

That's the beauty of the law, Jefferson.

It makes ownership specific and unquestioned.

I think that's what our ancestors had in mind...

...when they massacred the Indians and wrote the Bill of Rights.

Al.

Al Bundy, what do you think you're doing?

Going blind if you stand up.

Look, Al, this happens to be a private party...

...so we'd appreciate it if you get out of our yard.

But this isn't your yard.

If you had read your map a little more carefully...

...you would have seen that this property belongs to me.

Welcome to Bundiana.

He's right.

Our barbecue is on their property.

Al, I didn't realize how much that apple tree meant to you.

It would be wrong of us to keep it.

So we'll give you your tree back in exchange for our barbecue.

Tell you what I'll do.

I'll give you a part of your barbecue back.

Peggy Bundy.

I would expect this kind of aboriginal behavior from the mud people...

...but I'm surprised you're out here supporting this outrage.

I'm really sorry.

But it's not often Al offers to take us on a family picnic.

No need to apologize, is there, Marcie?

After all, what's our'n is our'n...

...and what's yourn is yourn.

Excuse me, Mom.

- Excuse me, but these are ours. - Not anymore.

Some never were.

Don't worry, dear, I'll take care of this.

Then when I opened the bedroom door...

...I saw him making love not only to a woman but a--

What happened? What happened?

Sorry, Peggy...

...but your cable line seems to have passed through our property.

Al.

They killed Oprah.

Now, look. Look what you've done to my wife.

Don't you realize that without cable TV...

...she'll wanna talk to me now.

You should've thought of that before you stole our barbecue.

Two can play at this game.

Get out of my way, gluteus minimus.

Hey, hey, hey. That's our phone line.

It's on my property.

Oh, good, our first customer.

As you can see, this driveway belongs to us...

...but we'll be glad to let you use it, won't we, Jefferson?

Sure, as long as he pays the toll.

- How much is it? - Fifteen-hundred dollars.

Exact change, please.

Fifteen-hundred dollars? Are you crazy?

Who you calling crazy, punk?

Your wife.

I don't need the stinking driveway. I'll drive out through my yard.

I wish they'd hurry up and fix our cable.

Me too. I hate nature shows.

How much longer do we have to watch the mating habits of the sea anemone?

Well, at least it's better than watching them act out Martin.

I just didn't buy it when Bud kept saying, "I gots to have it."

I'll get it.

Hi. I'm the building code inspector. Are you the one that called?

I am.

- Aren't you--? - No.

Don't even ask. I'm not him.

I've never been him. I can't even stand the little creep.

Now, I understand you wanted to report an illegal driveway.

Yes, I did, inspector. That one right out there.

If you look carefully you can see that it's built nowhere near code.

I know because I built it myself out of ground-up women's shoes.

How much is the fine?

Well, since you turned yourself in, I think I'll let it go at $100.

I see. What if I said I built it that way just to make you look like an idiot?

Then that would be $1500.

And what if we called you a moron to boot?

Two thousand dollars.

Are you sure you're not Gary Coleman from Diff'rent Strokes?

No. I am not.

Good. I hated that show.

Five thousand dollars.

Don't give it to me. It's not my driveway.

See, it belongs to those people next door...

...but they might not let you in...

...because the only black person they respect is Ted Danson.

What you talking about, Bundy?

Oh, hell, now I have to fine myself.

That was great, Al. You got him.

Tune in next week for another exciting episode of Cops.

I hate playing the hairy drug dealer.

Come in, Jefferson.

Good one, Al. I gotta hand it to you...

...you're a formidable adversary. You've certainly won my respect.

Does that mean I'll get the use of my driveway back?

Well, we've already taken the toll booth down...

...and I can promise that you'll never have to worry...

...about that little driveway problem again.

Three, two, one.

I guess I should have brought some extra earmuffs with me.

What?

So long.

What'd he call me?

Why would I want any cheese?

I never realized what a turn-on handling heavy explosives could be.

Well, you came to the right place.

My pyjamas are filled with dynamite.

Jefferson, the earth is moving for me.

Hey, it's moving for me too.

Damn, I'm good.

You're not this good.

Oh, my God. It's Al.

He's jacking up the house.

We're even now.

Hello, Fred? Jefferson D'Arcy.

Say, does your son still have that rocket launcher?

There's probably a lesson to be learned from this...

...but I'll be damned if I know what it is.

Hey, Al...

...I've been doing a lot of thinking...

- ...and I've decided to apologize. - We both want to.

Friendship is much more important than material things.

Oh, you're right, Marcie.

I wanna be friends too. Al?

We're married, Peg, we can't be friends.

I think she meant with the D'Arcys, Dad.

Well, I guess it's all right to try to mend our friendship.

Dad, they blew out the wall of our house.

Bud's room is a mess. There's rubber body parts everywhere.

I know, pumpkin.

But all the more reason we should extend the hand...

...of forgiveness.

Our other neighbors will hear of this grand gesture...

...and be pleased.

Then other communities will come...

...to see the D'Arcys and the Bundys...

...living side by side in peace.

Then whole cities will take note.

Then countries.

And who knows, maybe someday...

...in a universe far away...

- It's on my side. - It's on my side. It's mine!