Original subtitles

(TYPING)

MAN: Well, I do want our readers to feel that this is really your story

so I thought I'd, perhaps, ask a few questions

and if you just answer them in your own words.

WOMAN: Yes, I see. All right, ask away.

MAN: Well, let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Well, I... I had a terribly ordinary childhood, I'm afraid.

Born at an early age and all that.

Fell off lots of bicycles, ate too many cream cakes.

A normal childhood, you know.

Oh, this is me, age six.

Probably a piece of chewing gum stuck under my hat, only you can't see.

I do remember I was always the sort of child who got picked on to do things.

(SINGS) La-la-la, la-la-la...

What a darling little baby he is!

Joseph was actually my older sister Felicity.

I am afraid I told everyone she'd grown the beard specially for the part.

Felicity, poor thing, was not amused.

(WHISPERS) You must be very proud of her, Mrs Carter.

She's a darling.

WOMAN: She's going to go a long way.

You can see that.

MRS CARTER: Yes, I think she is.

WOMAN: This is me, age 20.

I don't know what I was wearing.

Terribly Chelsea I thought I was.

And, really, I suppose I was as square as an ice cube with it.

- Try that one over there. - Right you are.

- What, me on the telly? - It won't take a minute.

How fascinating. You must tell me what to do.

Could you come this way, please, then?

Oh, yes, I hate convention. You can't breathe. You have to break away.

But isn't the breakaway of yesterday the convention of today?

Well, then, you have to break away again.

Just for the sake of it? Isn't that conventional?

The way young people live today. I mean in the way, er...

they dress... the way they dance, the way they talk even...

That's more conventional than what they're trying to get away from.

WOMAN: Would you say the way I dress is conventional?

MAN: Well, you're dressed in the height of fashion and your hair is...

- WOMAN: Oh, I just wash and curl it. - It's fine. We'll use that. Very good.

MAN: What's more conventional than that?

MAN: How conventional are we in matters of public taste?

The London skyline is constantly altering and yet young architects...

Thank you so much for letting me see the finished product.

- It's a very good programme. - You really think so?

Mm... I thought I looked ghastly but it was a super programme.

Well, I thought you looked super and the programme looked ghastly.

What's more, I'm right too.

No, I thought you looked frightfully lean and intelligent.

(CHUCKLES) I am frightfully lean and intelligent. Not that it helps.

(WOMAN LAUGHS)

Gosh, you must lead such an interesting life.

Being a professional questioner?

Oh, it's better than being a professional bosom.

(SCOFFS) What's that?

You should try posing for Bride some time.

I did once. Disaster. A complete disaster.

Oh! Is this yours?

Why, yes, as a matter of fact it is.

Oh...

This one.

- What do you think I am? Go on... - Oh, my dear...

There's so much junk in this car. I keep on chucking things out...

Have an acid drop.

Oh, yes. I'd love one. Thank you.

- One... two... - Ooh, thank you!

- ...three... - Ooh, dear!

WOMAN: Well, we... we just sort of began to meet, you know.

He had tickets for this or he thought I might be interested in that.

It was really mostly mental to start with.

There was nothing deliberate about it.

We didn't know what we were doing at all.

- Oh, you're a thoroughly rotten shot. - Thoroughly rotten target.

You couldn't hit a dicky bird.

MAN: Ooh, buried treasure.

Oh.

Heads we do, tails we don't.

We do.

Oh, how I'd love to live here.

- (IMITATES GUNSHOTS) - (LAUGHS)

Well, we'd have to do an awful lot to it.

We'd have to do everything to it.

Yes, you're right.

Do you know these cottages are being carefully rehabilitated?

At great expense.

"And will emerge as unique cottage-type homes of distinction."

Do you want to live in a cottage-type home of distinction?

I wouldn't mind.

With a yellow front door and a carriage lamp to match?

- Absolutely lovely. - You are ghastly. You don't mean it.

I do!

- You are a fantastic girl. - Why?

I don't know. You just are.

Oh, it should be so easy to be happy, shouldn't it?

Should be the easiest thing in the world.

Should be.

I wonder why it isn't.

Maybe it is.

Is it all right for Wednesday?

Yes, it's all right for Wednesday.

(SIGHS) I hate this furtiveness.

It's so corny.

- It's ever so embarrassing. - What do you want to do, then?

I don't know.

I do know.

I don't know.

I know.

(TRAIN RUMBLING)

Wife.

Husband.

(IMITATES GUNSHOT)

(MOUTHS TO RECORDED MALE ITALIAN VOICE)

(REPEATS ITALIAN)

Come on, darling...

- (REPEATS ITALIAN) - (RECORDING CONTINUES)

(GASPS) Oh, it's so boring.

Oh, come on, darling.

You started it. It was your idea that we learn the language for our holiday.

Yes and all we'd ever be able to say was, "Oh, what a lovely view!"

Well, I'm getting on with it.

All right, you get on with it.

WOMAN: Of course I loved him dearly.

He was one of the nicest boys in the world.

It's just that he was so desperately immature.

Marriage had been sort of foisted on him.

He just wasn't ready for the responsibility.

He tried nobly but, you know...

He hadn't really got the faintest idea what it was all about.

(SQUEAKS)

Now, Mr Southgate, you have the reputation of being something of a...

a lone wolf.

Is this a protest against the establishment?

It's true I have always preferred to be a mouse, walk by itself,

rather than a member of a group of literary lions

always licking each other, washing each other behind the ears,

and biting each other.

And as you know, they're behind bars in a cultural zoo.

- They won't let you print that. - Oh, yes they will, if I fight.

- And will you fight? - He fights.

Er... something else.

Now that you've moved down here, into the country, into virtual isolation...

WOMAN: Robert had marvellous tact. Incredible maturity, sensitivity.

He'd got this funny old bloke spouting his head off. Fascinating.

I'd never met anyone like old Southgate.

Suddenly one felt madly "in", you know.

I mean, to think: "This is one of the great writers of the century and here I am."

Well, it was extraordinary.

I don't really remember much anyone said. That wasn't really the thing.

The thing was, they accepted me.

Oh, I'm just dying to read your books.

They're mostly out of print.

- Do you mind if I help myself? - Please do.

Thank you.

Well, it's been fabulous meeting you.

- Are you a truth-teller? - Yes, I think so.

SOUTHGATE: Is she?

Well... she is with me.

You consider yourself a very lucky man.

Oh, yes, I do.

Gosh, that's marvellous.

I'm glad you like it.

I'd rather have done it than written half my stories.

Probably only took him half an hour, you know.

I should like you to have it.

- Both of you. - WOMAN: I couldn't possibly.

- Please. - It's yours. It belongs to you.

I'm 78 years old, more or less.

Besides, I'd much rather you left this place with this under your arm,

than that recording of antique birdsong.

Thank you.

Just one moment please, I have a call for you.

Go ahead, Ipswich.

Estelle?

- ROBERT: How are the children? - Fine.

ROBERT: I shall have to stay the night.

I'm staying with him actually.

Oh. All right.

So, I'm sorry. Give them my love, will you?

And tell them I'll see them tomorrow.

Mm-hm. Bye.

OK, your go now.

Right, I'll get... some money.

- Euston 4614. - Go ahead, Southampton.

Hello, Tony? Hello, love. I'm still in Southampton.

- Well, hell, what a bore. - It's just as much of a bore for me.

OK, yes. See you tomorrow, then. Bye-bye, darling.

(BLOWS KISS) Bye.

(SIGHS THEN GIGGLES)

- (ROBERT CLEARS THROAT) - Thank you, sir.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(WOMAN GIGGLES)

Wait till we get these on.

(AFFECTS NORTHERN ACCENT) Funny pair, that Mr and Mrs Golden, 409.

(CHUCKLES)

I suppose... you've done this sort of thing hundreds of times before.

You're wrong.

(WHISPERS) I have never.

Not exactly my line either.

I just happen to love you.

I told you.

It is... real, then.

It's the first time I've felt real for a long time.

Me too.

Me one...

Me two...

Go on.

Oh, look. How jazzy!

Every three hours we can call for refreshments.

Welcome.

WOMAN: The thought of breaking up a family was absolutely repellent to me.

If anyone had told me that I was doing anything like that

I would have been horrified.

I have always regarded families as... well... unbustable, you know?

MAN: ...and there's pictures of Cambridge.

A very convenient door through there, leading to bedroom.

- A picture, reproduction, of clown. - WOMAN: Glass is cracked.

Yes, er... Mirror with gilt ormolu frame. One clock, seems to have stopped,

but I'm sure it only needs winding.

And through here, of course, you've got your hall.

Er... the gas meter's there.

Through there to the kitchen, three steps up here to the bathroom...

ESTATE AGENT: Large cupboard, very useful for leaving one's coats...

and then here in the kitchen we have the gas cooker,

which was put in by the last tenant, so it's relatively new...

Your books have arrived.

And, er... your records.

- Are these yours? - Yes.

(MUFFLED LAUGHTER, POP INSTRUMENTAL)

Hello, my darling.

ROBERT: (ON TAPE) ...it doesn't intrude on you because it's been dead for so long.

It has the sort of property of a sort of beautifully laid-out corpse.

You don't worry about it. It's always there...

Ooh, darling...

Sorry. Are Liz and Willy on or off at the moment?

Oh, I don't know. I have no idea at all.

What shall I put?

Just put "With best wishes" and leave out "to you both".

"Luv, Robert and Diana. Kisses."

(GLASS SHATTERS IN THE DISTANCE, LAUGHTER)

- Happy Christmas, baby. - Cool Christmas, honey.

Happy Christmas!

Darling, two gorgeous Negroes have just gone upstairs. What's going on up there?

They're having a diplomatic reception.

Oh...

Would you like to have a diplomatic reception?

What a good idea!

(MUFFLED CHATTER)

(RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

I can't get them to go.

Well, make them. Force them to go.

How?

I don't know. Can't you force them to go?

I don't know half of them.

Oh, dear. I just wish they'd all go away from our little place.

Why did we ever have this... party?

I don't know. I wish they'd all... go!

Oh... my friends seemed to get on very well with your friends.

Your friends are so pretty.

(SLURRING) Yours... so intelligent.

DIANA: I couldn't have been happy if I'd kept Robert from his children.

I was absolutely insistent, rain or shine, he went and saw them.

I couldn't have forgiven myself if he hadn't done that, you see!

"I've never really been the jealous type.

Where the hell have you been?

- I told you. To see the children. - Until this hour?

Did you see her?

- Her? - Her.

No.

I don't know whether I believe you.

What makes you think she wants to see me?

Perhaps you want to see her.

Perhaps I do.

Well, why don't you tell me if you want to, if you're still in love with her?

Oh, Lord...

Look here. No, listen.

I love you. Honestly.

- You won't leave me, will you? - Leave you?

God, leave you... If you only...

- If only you knew. - I'm so...

I'm so frightened sometimes.

What do you mean? What are you frightened of?

Being so happy!

(ROBERT SNORTS)

Listen, shall we get married? Get married and finish all this?

Oh, darling, I'm so happy as we are.

I don't want anything to change.

If we got... married, there'd be so much...

bitterness and unhappiness for everyone, wouldn't there?

(SIGHS) Darling...

(TRAIN HORN)

Good evening.

An American statesman recently said

that Britain was a country which had lost pride in itself.

Have we so much to be ashamed of, I wonder?

Let's find out.

What are you ashamed of in Britain today?

Well... let's see. Can't think of nothing.

Nothing?

Well, the traffic and that. You know, it's a bit congested...

- All the time... - And that's the worst thing?

Well, some people don't work hard enough.

Well, I work hard in Bristol for one person, I do it for one person.

Her name's Margaret Roberts. I've got the photograph on me.

ROBERT: Mm-hm...

Well, everyone these days, wants something for nothing.

They don't want to put anything out for what they're striving to get out of this.

Erm, talking as a Londoner, I think, in London itself, the amount of, erm...

how rife homosexuality has become, in London itself.

I would say again, in retrospect, that a few years back, that, erm...

again, two or three years ago, that you were...

very blatantly sort of approached by different people in different places.

- Really? - Mm-hm...

And you do... It does sort of still... It's still... You say it's worse?

I think it's become worse over a period of time.

- But you have to live with it. - Yes, I suppose so.

- Try my London number again, will you? - What was that number again?

Flaxman, double-two-four-nine.

(RINGING)

(APPLAUSE)

DIANA: Morphy Richards refrigerator, gift of Mr Charles Glass...

Number 81!

- MAN: Here! - Mr David Courtney-Barnett.

Holiday for two in the Bahamas, gift of Mr Samuel Goldstone...

Number...

68!

Yes, me! But, I've just come back.

DIANA: Normally I never did charity work. It's usually terribly draggy.

But, you know, Robert was away and Miles Brand phoned the same day.

After all, he had chosen me for the Honeyglow Girl.

- MAN: Hi Miles. - Hello.

DIANA: Miles didn't mean a thing in my private life.

I didn't attach any importance to it.

Still admire yourself as much as ever, Miles?

Carlotta!

How lucky it is you're a man after your own heart.

Darling, I thought I could smell prussic acid.

I put it down to the weather.

It must make a change from putting it down to expenses.

How savage we are tonight.

Somebody's husband gone back to his wife?

If he had, you would have been there to greet him.

Leftovers aren't really my diet, my darling...

Oh, I thought you were always on the market.

That remark was young when you were...

- Miles. Mr Glass. - Oh, excuse me.

DIANA: I suppose the main attraction really was Charles Glass. You know...

Mr Honeyglow himself.

He's a terrible sweetie. Do you know Charles? Oh, he's a terrible sweetie.

82.

- MAN: 82. - (APPLAUSE)

Ah, Sean, my dear fellow. I hear you're making a new movie.

How the hell do you know that?

I take a great interest in your squalid career. I have to.

If you're shooting full-length epics, you won't want to do ads for the Glass group.

Oh? Says who?

A lie can be shot with integrity, just like anything else. Who's the crumpet?

- Most kind. Thank you so much. - Thank you.

- Congratulations. - Now, ladies and gentlemen...

A few words from the president of the charity we've been assisting tonight.

Pray, silence for the Right Honourable Basil Willett MP.

A man of few words and all of them long ones.

Oh, you were splendid, Diana.

I want you to meet Sean Martin.

This is Miss Diana Scott.

- Hello. - How do you do?

Would Mr Glass say a few words?

I doubt it, but I'll ask him. Would you excuse me?

MAN: I want to say just this...

that no matter how much public money,

we, the government, devote to good causes,

there will always be a place

for private generosity like yours, ladies and gentlemen, tonight.

ALL: Hear, hear.

Never have I seen so many hearts so obviously in the right place.

ALL: Hear, hear.

WILLETT: I'm sure I have no need to bring to your attention

the plight of our brothers

of every creed, race, and colour

in every far-flung corner of the earth,

who, at this very moment, are suffering the...

the humiliation, degradation, shame...

of the agonies of malnutrition.

Well, of course I'd love to make a film someday.

So much is important, the right director, the right script...

Oh, you think a good director makes a difference, do you?

Well, it has been known.

Oh. This is my wife Sybil. Diana Scott.

- Hello. - Hello.

I think you managed that very well indeed.

- Ah... - Oh, here she is. Diana.

I was afraid you'd walked out in protest against my speechifying.

Oh, not at all.

They're got something for us upstairs. Crisps and Pepsi Cola.

I am afraid I haven't seen one of your pictures.

So little time when one's in politics to do anything

except try and stay in.

Someone said that Brooks-Romford lost £27,000 last week...

Actually, it's an exaggeration.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

- It was only 21,000. - Oh, is that all?

Miles, how are you?

Well, Your Grace. And you?

Absolutely splendid.

I'm delighted.

It was said of her great-grandmother that the only members of the cabinet

who weren't her lovers, were the ones who had reason to believe

they might be her father.

(CHUCKLES) Poor Elspeth. She's got a lot to live up to.

MILES: Well, if it isn't the Lord Grant.

My dear Miles.

I like your black boys, John. I suppose I can't wrap one up and take him home.

I wouldn't advise you to try.

They're all numbered, Alex. I wouldn't try and change your luck, if I were you.

- MILES: Everything's laid on... - Now would you like to see the library?

Only one way to preserve a library, these days,

and that's to build a gambling hall around it.

DIANA: "This royal throne of kings, this sceptred isle,

"This earth of majesty, this seat of Mars,

"This other Eden, demi-paradise,

"This fortress built by Nature for herself

"Against infection and the hand of war

"This happy breed of men

"This little world

"This precious stone set in a silver sea

"Which serves it in the office of a wall

"Or as a moat defensive to a house

"Against the envy of less happier lands

"This blessed plot, this earth, this realm...

"...this England"

MAN: Faites vos jeux.

Rien va plus.

Vingt-deux noir. Paire et passe.

Cent, deux cents, trois cents... Trois cents cinquante livres.

Voilà, madame. Trois cents cinquante livres pour le vingt-deux.

That's the Glass house.

What's this supposed to be?

It's known in the group as

Three Couples Taking their Pleasures with a Fourth Looking On.

Charming.

Won't it be locked?

One has a key.

One would.

Hmm...

Is this you?

My secretary.

Do you go winter-sporting?

Yes I do. Do you?

No. I don't do anything.

What is it?

Do you have parents? I can't imagine you with parents.

Yes I have.

Two of them.

Imagine if...

- What? - ...it took three.

Took three?

Sexes to make a child.

Very entertaining.

Everything would be different.

Quite different with three sexes.

Haven't we got enough problems with two?

Oh...

Is this where the Glass millions are stored?

Millions? No.

Oh. Don't tell me it only contains a pint of milk and a book of stamps.

- Leave me my illusions, please. - It's mainly papers.

(MUTTERS) Oh...

- Important papers? - Very.

Do open it, I should love to see an important paper!

I never have.

Wouldn't you?

Under any circumstances?

If someone made it worth your while.

Really worth your while.

Have you ever been afraid?

Really afraid?

What's an important paper about?

All sorts of things.

People you are about to take over?

It could be.

People we're interested in, for one reason or another.

Don't people know when you're interested in them?

They know. Sometimes.

Well, then...

But they don't know how interested.

No. I suppose not.

That's not so easy to tell, I suppose.

No, one hopes not.

I wish you'd open up.

I can't do that.

Sorry!

What for?

Oh, I just seem to be leaving most of your tyres on the road.

Enjoy yourself with the compliments of the Glass Organization.

Don't you possess anything of your own?

Only the things I can't replace.

(DIANA CHUCKLES)

(SCREECHING)

DIANA: Of course I told Robert about Miles.

It didn't mean anything, after all,

but I was always, always absolutely honest with Robert.

I just had to be.

And heavens... Well, there's nothing wrong with somebody helping you

with your career, after all, is there?

Miles was just madly helpful.

He knew absolutely everyone.

He was just so madly helpful, that's all.

Well, we just wanted to have a look at you.

Yes, we just want to take a look at you.

Well, have a look.

Would you look toward the street?

That's right. Now the door.

That's right. Now, I want you to look at me,

but keep your neck the same angle.

Well, what do you think?

She's all right. She's fine. Fine.

Has she enough profile?

Yes, sure. She'll be standing up most of the time.

Excuse me, but I don't even know what the film is called.

(IN A FRENCH ACCENT) Jacqueline.

DIANA: Oh, the book?

- Yes. - What part would it be?

Jacqueline.

Oh...

(OWL HOOTS)

(DOG HOWLS)

(SHRIEKING)

- (GUNSHOT) - (CRIES)

So much for me. That's me lot.

(WHISPERS) What?

There was a bit at the end when I was picked up by the ambulance,

but that's been cut.

- Tough! - (COUGHING)

From now on it's just about who did me and why?

(RINGING, SCREECHING TYRES)

MAN: ON SCREEN You two men go round the back. You others stay here with me.

(BELL RINGS)

(DOOR CREAKING)

MAN ON SCREEN: Yes?

MAN 2 ON SCREEN: My name's Malcolm. Inspector Malcolm.

MAN 1: Ah, yes. We've been expecting you...

This way, please.

(DOOR OPENS)

DIANA: Phew. Oh...

What a party.

What a wake.

ROBERT: What a bunch of zombies.

- Did you hate the movie? - (INSTRUMENTAL MELODY PLAYS)

Or didn't you? You didn't say you did.

Well, I did.

- You didn't. - All right, I didn't.

You did!

(COCKNEY ACCENT) Well, I must say. I've never been so insulted in all me days.

Me first title role.

Robert, what did you think of Miles?

Absolutely crazy about him.

Seriously, what did you?

Well, what can I say?

- You think I've been a fool? - No. People do what they want to.

- You are jealous. - Who knows what I am?

Well, you're the one I bed with.

At present.

I hate you. What a thing to say?

What do you want me to say? We both know what you're up to.

(HUMS ALONG TO INSTRUMENTAL)

Don't be jealous. There's no need.

No?

Anyway, this is the finish.

- Of what? - Me and showbiz...

Oh, why?

Well, it so happens, I'm pregnant.

Oh.

Are you angry?

Are you pleased?

I'm pleased.

You should have told me sooner, I'd have carried you.

- I can't hear anything ticking. - You won't for some months.

- Yes, I know that. - Yes, you would.

Are you pleased?

If you are.

What shall we call it?

- Jacqueline. - Oh, but of course! Jacqueline!

(MEWLING)

Shall I wear it to Pat and Marjorie's tomorrow?

Darling, it's much too soon for that.

Oh, yes. Just for a giggle.

Please, I'll have this.

DIANA: I hadn't really thought about what it meant, you know.

It seemed lovely, then I realised it was going to be the ruination of my career.

Messing up people's lives, you know. Mine, Robert's, everybody's.

I just began to realise I couldn't go through with it.

Heather was lovely. She was terribly nice.

Because, you know, she...

she'd had a miscarriage herself recently and...

she sort of knew the ropes and that.

MAN: Oh, thank you. If you could be here on Friday at 11,

that would be best.

Bring overnight things, and, oh... skip breakfast that morning, will you?

DIANA: Thank you.

(DOOR OPENS)

How do you feel?

I never want anything to do with sex again as long as I live.

Well?

How do you feel?

Empty.

- When are they going to let you out? - Anytime.

They've got lots of eager ladies. They're queuing for the bed, it seems.

I can believe that.

I'm not going back to the flat.

- I see. - You don't, but it doesn't matter.

All right, I don't.

My sister came to see me. I'm going down there.

The country...

- I want you to decide... - Don't touch me.

- I just wish that... - It's no good wishing.

No...

I'll probably stay at the flat for a bit.

If you want me, that's where I'll be.

- Don't forget to feed the fishes. - Mm-hm.

Poor little things.

- Bang! Bang! You're dead! - Oh...! Oh...!

Are you really dead?

- Dead-ing... - Oh, you'll never catch me.

I've got "Trouble at No. 10", darling. What have you got?

- I've got "Morality and the test tube". - Nasty.

MAN: Don't point guns, William. I've told you about that before.

DIANA: Oh...

- I don't want her to get too tired, Alec. - No.

Come on, William, that's enough. Leave Auntie Diana alone.

Come on, darling, don't be tiresome.

Come on. Come and sit down here and play with your comics.

Darling, come and sit down. We don't want to get you tired out. Come and relax.

Have a comic.

Pity you missed the daffodils. They were absolutely lovely.

- MAN 1: Would you like crispy? - MAN 2: Just a bit, Alec.

But no fat.

Here you are, Ivor.

You've changed your hairstyle, Felicity.

You like it? It's a Hungarian refugee who does it nicely.

Gives it volume, which is what I like.

Do start. Rupert, don't stand on ceremony.

- ALEC: That's yours. - DIANA: Thank you.

The lawn looks good, Alec. How do you do it?

Oh, it's that new Stay Green.

What about that plastic sprinkler I recommended?

Useless. Couldn't get the stuff through the holes.

Oh, really, I'm awfully sorry.

This is going to be one of those frightful gardening conversations.

I know it's therapeutic, Ivor, but you really must stop.

Oh, all right.

Saw your film at our local fleapit.

- Yes? - Sorry not to see more of you.

- Unfortunately, we missed the beginning. - Best part. You were stunning.

Ooh... Liked my black lingerie, did you?

(ALL CHUCKLE)

Ivor's been after to me to buy some.

IVOR: Really, Helen, is nothing sacred?

- Not much. - (ALL CHUCKLE)

See what you do to our suburban morals, your type of picture?

No, honestly, you were jolly good.

- Thank you. - FELICITY: Er...

Rupert makes films too, you know.

Oh, how fascinating.

Honestly, Felicity, I thought we'd made a solemn pact.

No, you must tell me all about it.

Well, it's something I had to do with the War House, actually.

- A training film. - Oh, a training film?

Mm. Erm... How to Service An Armoured Car.

Oh, a star vehicle, no less.

- Oh, no... - I hadn't thought of that.

Nothing like yours, of course.

(WHISPERS) Can I have the horseradish...

- Alec, may I have the horseradish? - WILLIAM: Mummy!

Whatever are you doing up at this hour?

I haven't had my chocolate or anything.

Oh, really, William. You are being so boring, darling.

We discussed all of this...

- But I haven't had my chocolate... - Don't start your snivelling...

Don't worry, Felicity. I'll find him his chocolate.

Oh, would you, Di, darling? Thank you so much.

Well, see... She's absolutely brilliant with children. Quite, quite marvellous.

I...I do apologise. I'm so sorry.

What was actually wrong with Diana's original husband?

Tony Bridges?

Oh... too young.

Rupert's the right age.

And steady.

Bridges was steady.

Yes, but he was too young.

- Rupert's the right age. - Yes...

Do you think he, er...

Oh, I think he did, yes.

- Do you think she... - I think she did, yes.

Alec, you've got your elbow somehow...

- (SIGHS) - I wasn't aware of it.

Sorry, dear.

ALEC: What I shall never understand is, how you and she...

Same parents, same background...

FELICITY: Yes, I know. It is odd.

ALEC: This chap of hers, in London. Is that all finished now?

FELICITY: Oh, yes. No question of that at all.

Completely finished.

I'm back!

- Like that? - I had to.

It was so boring I could have screamed!

You mean you came on the train dressed like that?

No-one noticed.

What a funny girl.

One day I will have to bail you out of clink

for indecent exposure.

- Would you? - Hm. Of course I would.

Want some coffee?

You know I don't want to.

Sorry. Sorry I spoke.

Would you rather I went up to the office and worked?

I don't know...

There's something about a typewriter.

(SIGHS) Well... I'm sorry.

Here, wait...

Come on...

Look, why don't you go and do something?

Try that audition. It's your sort of thing. Go on.

Just go and have a go.

Take the car... and don't crash it.

Sì, signor. Grazie, signor.

I want to dance. I want to dance. That's what you'll never understand.

I don't want to think, I want to dance.

- Your name, please. - Diana Scott.

Diana Scott.

- Would you like to wait over there? - Right.

MAN: Tell me about yourself. What you've been up to recently?

Well, I've done six months at Bournemouth Rep,

playing leads and things.

Some television: Z-Cars, A vengers. A season at Worthing Rep.

A couple of Edgar Wallaces at Merton Park.

MAN: Cheers. That's fine. Thank you. Thank you very much.

- Thank you. - MAN: Next please.

(MUTTERS)

Er... Miss Joy Green, please.

Miss Joy Green, thank you.

- MAN: Miss Green... - Yes?

- MAN: You've got a speech there. - Yes. Yes, I have.

- MAN: Right, in your own time, then. - Right, thank you.

- MISS GREEN: I want to dance. - MAN: Louder.

MISS GREEN: I want to dance!

That's what you'll never understand.

I don't want to think.

I want to dance!

- Hey. That's my meter. - Sorry.

I should think you are sorry. Go on, get out of it.

Women drivers.

Grand passe. Once more.

Grand. Once again.

Un. Vite. Un.

Well, look who's here.

Your secretary told me you'd be here.

- Hope you don't mind. - Mind? Not at all.

How are things?

Flat.

- Skol. - Skol.

Nice place. Had it long?

Not too long. It's convenient.

The firm owns it. It came to us by mistake.

Nice mistake.

One tries to see that one's mistakes usually are.

(CHUCKLES)

I always feel as if there's one more corner to turn.

- And I'll be there. - And so you will.

And there'll be another.

That's the attraction of corners.

I do love Robert, you know.

Why not?

(WHIRRING)

(BELL RINGS)

(WHIRRING)

(BELL RINGS)

My goodness, what a bit of luck.

What a clever girl.

My lucky day.

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell am I doing?

Sitting in the dark.

Admiring the view.

Well... good for you.

Sorry I was so late. The car got towed away.

Did it?

Bloody meters. Had to go miles to get it back.

Poor you.

I would have been back sooner, if it hadn't been for that.

Where'd you have to go?

I don't know.

Taxi took me. I just know it took hours.

Did you have to pay?

I mean, to get it out.

Of course. You always have to pay to get a car out, don't you?

What sort of day have you had?

Quiet.

What kept you?

I told you. I had to get the car out...

I mean, so that you overshot the meter.

Oh...

well...

I didn't go to my audition. I went to my agent instead.

And I think I've got a job coming up in Paris soon.

- What's that for? - Getting the car out.

Where would I be without you?

DIANA: Of course, Miles was the perfect guide

because he knew Paris on every possible level.

You know, the tourist level.

And then he could take one inside and show one how sophisticated people live.

Oh, we went to a fabulous wedding, I remember.

Chloe Kalman, the film actress had remarried Toto Damiano.

You know, the American manganese heir.

And afterwards we went on to the most extraordinary place with them.

They're astonishing people.

Terribly sophisticated and sort of emotionally inquisitive,

which is a marvellous thing really.

Mon petit Miles. Ah... C'est bon te voir...

- Comment ça va? - Ça va bien et vous?

- Et la petite? - Mademoiselle Diana Scott.

- Are you English? - Yes?

Oh, she's beautiful. She lives in England?

- Yes. - Yes?

Bah, écoutez, entrez. Venez boire du champagne. Allez!

- A la vôtre... - N'oubliez pas la petite.

- A1ors, ici... A 1a vôtre aussi. - MAN: A la vôtre aussi.

WOMAN: Alors, je vous laisse tous maintenant. Je m'en vais.

- And... how are you? - OK.

Santé!

ALL: Santé.

Make yourself comfortable. The young man is late. I don't know why

Et vous autres, je vous l'enverrai dès qu'il arrive.

Ah, Billie...

Mm... One of yours? I thought I recognised the rubies.

You're improving.

Oh, Miles, I love you. You're such a...

(WHISPERS)

Oh, Billie. If I didn't know you were a man, I'd be very shocked.

Diana, darling. I want you to meet Billie Castiglione.

He's one of the best sculptresses in Paris.

He's dying to do your bust.

I'm going to kill that man, I am.

You've got a beautiful head. Wonderful bones. Truly.

Thank you.

Madames, Messieurs, s'il vous plaît, asseyez-vous.

Fumez si vous voulez. Faites comme chez vous.

Voulez-vous une cigarette?

Oh, merci. Je fume seu1ement des mentho1s.

It's very hot in here.

Merci.

She's got an interesting head.

WOMAN: Ce jeune homme arrive dans quelques minutes, je suis sure...

(DOOR OPENS)

MAN: Entrez! Voilà. Finalement.

Je suis navré, j'ai du retard, mais le trafic était épouvantable.

MAN: Vous savez que ça fait un moment que nous attendons.

Je m'excuse mais, c'est vraiment impossible de parquer la voiture.

Nulle part...

C'est affreux de parquer. Ça fait une demi-heure dans la rue en bas...

WOMAN: C'est partout.

(CHATTER)

WOMAN: Dis donc, on commence à s'ennuyer ici.

Si on jouait au jeu?

Mais si, un peu de home movies! Allez. Vous allez voir, c'est marrant.

Mes amis, nous allons jouer la spécialité de la maison.

MAN: Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Eh, bien, c'est une espèce de cinéma vérité un peu existentiel.

- Tu veux jouer aussi? - (BARKING)

André. The music, please!

This is going to be fun.

What is it?

Well, it's a... kind of a truth game, sort of.

Come. You'll play with me.

Oh, no. I don't know how to do this.

BILLIE: Oh, you mustn't be shy. Everybody's doing it.

Get up with me. You don't have to be nervous.

(SQUEALS) When the music stops the cradle will rock.

- MAN: Stop the music. - WOMAN: Pausez-la. Pausez-la.

ALL: Ah...

Why, Diana Scott. How you've changed!

Why, darling. It's only because I've had a little too much sunray.

(CHUCKLING)

I don't understand. Is he pretending to be me?

You're home and dry.

Combien de fois?

BLACK MAN: I don't understand francais?

How many times?

Look, will you relax? Relax. Don't be frightened, it's fun.

Will you come on a cruise with me to, er...

- Only if I have the top bed. - (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

What would you do to be in my next film, Diana?

I don't know the name for it, but I'll definitely do it.

(LAUGHTER)

Why is he doing this?

- It's fun. - MAN: Recommencez la musique.

(SHRIEKING)

ALL: Ah...

Ah, Miles.

- My dear fellow, I'd know you anywhere. - (CACKLING)

Tell me, do you love Diana?

- No. - Is she good in bed, Miles?

DIANA: I haven't noticed.

- I am. - (LAUGHTER)

WOMAN: Bravo!

Does she love you?

Like a prisoner loves a jailer, cause I carry a big bunch of keys.

Oh, shut up.

Oh, blimey...

Miles, my love, have you ever been in love?

Yes... for as long as I can remember. With myself.

- (LAUGHTER) - MAN: Touché.

MAN: Olé!

Tell me, Miles. If you could be anything in the world,

what would you most want to be?

- Molto divertente. - A pimp in a royal whorehouse.

- (LAUGHTER) - (MUSIC RECOMMENCES)

Well played.

WOMAN: (ON TANNOY) Will Mr and Mrs Harper please contact the enquiry desk?

Mr and Mrs Harper.

- There you are. - Thank you.

- Is this all your luggage? - Yes, it is.

Have you read this before.

Yes.

Have you anything to declare.

Only her lunch.

(FRENCH ACCENT) I have a personal call from Paris for a Monsieur Robert Gold.

Western 7655. Monsieur Gold? Ne quittez pas.

Ne quittez pas.

Robert...

DIANA: I just couldn't help myself.

I mean, all I wanted to do, really, was not hurt Robert.

You know, that was the main thing.

I kept thinking to myself, you know, Miles would sort of burn itself out.

And that meanwhile all that mattered was trying to make sure that nobody got hurt.

That was the main thing.

(♪ JOHN DANKWORTH: "TU SAIS BIEN")

♪ Tu sais bien

♪ Ce n'est pas la fin

♪ De notre amour

♪ Ne me dis pas toujours

♪ Que tu ne m'aimes pas

♪ Que je ne t'aime pas

♪ Oui, tout c'est bien

♪ Que ce n'est pas la fin

♪ Tu verras

♪ Que tu n'auras pas

♪ Dans toute la vie

♪ De plus belles songeries... ♪

Taxi!

♪ Donne-moi la chance

♪ Encore une chance... ♪

- Good luck with Robert. - Thank you. Bye.

♪ Je sais que tu sais bien ♪

(SHRIEKING, LASHES)

(SIRENS, GUNSHOTS)

Is he really a crook?

Most certainly he is. He's just served five years.

I've done an interview with him for Sunday's programme. It's in the can.

And number 24: Man's Head in a Bucket.

The strongest echoes of Grünewald.

He has got a fantastically lean and hungry look.

Is it true he's so tremendous in bed?

Oh, I'm afraid I didn't get round to asking him.

- Alex, darling! - Diana, sweetie!

- Oh, it's terribly to see you! - It's terribly to see you.

- I say, isn't this is awfully? - Yes...

Come and meet Ralphie before he disappears.

- Oh... dear. - For another five years...

in the great tradition of silent screams.

Goya, Gauguin, Guernica, that tradition.

What I said in the interview I did with him for the Southgate programme.

- Oh, tremendous fire. - I'm with you. Tremendous fire.

A sort of furious lyricism one seldom finds in Whitechapel these days.

Quite so...

Ah, that's a load o' cobblers, all that. One man responsible..

Ralphie, dear, I've got someone here who's dying to meet you.

Ralphie, you must meet Diana Scott.

How do you do? I do so admire your work. I think it's wonderful!

Thank you very much, I'm sure.

Now Ralphie, come and meet the agent...

- Oh, you got here. I'm so glad. - He's an ass.

Don't say that. He's tremendously talented, Ralphie.

When did you get in?

This afternoon. Exhausted.

This afternoon?

Yes, naturally, of course.

Yes, naturally, of course!

Look at him. Don't you think he's tremendously talented?

- What about the job? How'd it go? - Tremendous fire...

- What job? - The job you went to Paris to see about.

Oh, I had to do a test for Raoul Maxime.

He's a tremendous talent, Raoul.

There's no-one in England to beat these new French directors.

Tremendous fire.

Yes, I think so. Tremendous.

And you went down well?

Like a dozen oysters, I think.

Taxi!

We're not taking a taxi.

Why not?

I don't take whores in taxis.

What do you mean?

That's what you are, isn't it?

A little whore. Isn't it?

You've been back from Paris two days already.

Look, if you don't want me to find out what you're doing,

don't leave your ticket and your passport lying all over the place.

Robert...

I knew you'd get the wrong end of the sti...

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in the bed at the same time.

You're a whore, baby. That's all.

Just a whore.

And I don't take whores in taxis.

Now what?

(COCKNEY ACCENT) A pound's not enough.

- What do you mean? - (SHOUTING) A pound's not enough.

- Now, wait a minute... - Don't you give me "Wait a minute"!

- A pound's not enough! - Diana, don't be a...

Don't you "Diana" me.

It was kinky before and still is, and a pound's not enough.

(COCKNEY ACCENT) Makes a lot of promises. But when he's had his way...

You're not worth more than a bloody quid, anyway.

I'm an honest working girl!

Five bob in the Walworth Road. That's about your bloody mark.

You crumb.

You creepy crumb!

Crumb. You creep. Let go of me.

Five bob in the Walworth Road, eh?

- What were you doing in Paris, anyway? - Working.

I hope you got more than five bob.

I should think I did. I wasn't with you, was I?

Fine. Help yourself.

Oh. Quelle largesse! I'm impressed.

You bitch. You're a filthy little bitch.

You've got no right to call me anything.

I have every right to call you everything.

Oh, have you? We're not married.

At least not to each other.

I'd never have believed that one so trivial and shallow could cause such pain.

Oh, blameless Gold!

If you want to know, I've stuck it out just about as long as I can.

Yes, and just about as often as you can.

And you're so faithful and so loving, aren't you?

Look at this place, this rattrap!

- I won't be a prisoner any longer. - So you're the prisoner are you?

Yes!

Prying in my life, looking in my handbag, spying on me!

The quickest way of getting to know you.

You never intended to stay or you'd have done something with this place.

Look at it!

Books! My God, I hate books!

- Stop that! - That gets to you.

Anybody touching your books. They matter to you more than anybody!

Robert...

(SIGHS) What the hell are you doing?

Robert, don't be so melodramatic.

Excuse me.

Robert...

Where are you going?

DIANA: Oh, it just all seemed so unnecessary, you know, these dramas.

I couldn't help feeling Robert had been desperately unreasonable about it all.

You know, after all, we were supposed to be adult people.

Well, one just had to take a grip on oneself, that was all.

I just knew the only possible hope was just to fling oneself into one's work.

It was either that, you know, or the old gas oven.

One, two, eh.

Happy. Happy...

The happiest girl in the world, now. Come on. That's it.

Good. Good. Come on, happy girl.

Better.

Brighter. Happiest girl in the world, now.

Now. Good. Swing your hair round suddenly.

That's it. Cool. Good. Lovely. Again.

Good. Good. Again. Good. That's it, darling.

Look up. Think lovely... thoughts.

Brighter. Come on, duckie. Forget it.

We've all been through it. For Christ's sake, smile, love.

Go on, eh? That's it. All right. That's it.

Come on. Sorry. Lovely, dear. Come on, forget it.

It's all right, don't cry. Jolly good, jolly good. Marvellous.

What is it, darling? What is it? Come on, drinkie-poos...

- Drinkies, love. Come on. - (SOBS) Oh, Mel...

Gonna be a happy girl, then?

Gonna be happy?

Cause we already are a very pretty girl, you know.

Mm...?

(MAN LAUGHS)

Ah, yes... She's very good.

- MAN 2: I don't know whether... - MAN 3: Ah, thank you.

Could we have a look at that again, please? Thank you so much.

- Yes... - Yes...

The question is, is she over-experienced?

- (LAUGHTER) - Sorry?

Have the public seen too much of her face?

How can you see too much of this face, I ask you?

We do get continuity of image.

- Good thinking. - ALL: Hear, hear.

Buy her, then, do you, Kurt?

Definitely.

You know, she's got a sort of Aryan quality. She'll go down well in Germany.

- (SQUEAKING) - (LAUGHTER)

(GERMAN ACCENT) How about this for the Happiness girl, huh?

(LAUGHTER)

But you must have a look at it.

Yes. For the German territory, I am happy.

Well, there it is. We want you to be the Happiness Boy, Kurt.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please.

Very well, then. We're all agreed.

Diana Scott, hereinafter known as the Happiness Girl.

(LAUGHTER)

For you, the man who turned the tide at Monte Carlo.

Darling. Bless you.

Whoa!

(♪ BACH: "JESU, JOY OF MAN'S DESIRING")

May I help you, madam?

Yes, do you think I could see some... peaches in brandy, please?

Certainly, madam. If you'd just come this way.

Yes...

Have you got a larger size I could see?

Yes, madam. Just wait one moment.

- Brandy. Bit expensive, but... - Far too expensive.

It looks delicious to me this...

(WHISPERS) I am not with you! I have never seen you before in my vie.

You're in this up to your navel.

We can't stay here all day, you know.

Thank you Madam.

Oh, no. I did want them in a bottle. No, thank you very much indeed.

- We'll forget it. - Thank you, madam.

Thank you.

WOMAN: These look very nice.

Oh, what about these prawns? They look delicious!

Did you see that?

Outrageous behaviour!

- I could've sworn he was following us. - He was!

- Outrageous. - Oh, dear.

- Robert... - (TRILLS) ♪ R-r-r-rule Britannia!

- MAN: ♪ Britannia rules... ♪ - Oh, my dear!

Ting-a-ling! Shop's open.

Ting-a-ling! The shop's denuded! Honestly, you are outrageous, dear,

and I would like you to know, dear, that we have only paid for shrimps.

What's that? The Happiness Girl contract already?

Oh, dear, my husband wants a divorce.

My husband Tony. He wants a divorce.

Well, granted soon as asked, I'm sure.

I... hate... this... flat.

Well, you've got your escargots, anyway.

Have an avocado, strangled with prunes.

Have a bit of smoked salmon,

stuffed with caviar, matured in fine English gin.

For what you are about to receive may the Lord make you truly thankful.

Cheers!

Oh...

Oh, my life is a pisspot!

- Well, you see, I have the answer to that. - Oh, yes? Have you?

It's the bomb, lovey. It must be.

That's right. It's the great, big...

(IN UNISON) ...nasty, nasty bomb!

Let's face it, dear.

Darling's life is a great, big, steaming mess.

(DIANA MOANS)

Oh, I love you, if no-one else does.

- Well, no-one else does. - Ah... poor you!

I'll tell you what I'm going to do with you.

Go on...

Well, I may be filming in Italy next month,

- Italy? - Yes.

Rather fabulous, darling...

And if I do, I'm going afterwards on the most wonderful holiday of my life

and you're coming with me.

- Oh, I am? - You are! To hell with them all.

We're gonna have a ball.

- Have a ball, have a ball! - Have a ball!

- To hell with 'em all! - To hell with 'em all!

We'll 'ave a ball! Down with 'em all!

MAN: Ashes to ashes...

dust to dust.

(BIRDSONG)

♪ Cupids are the chocolates to choose

♪ For the one you love to caress

♪ Chocolates with the fairy-tale centres

♪ They're the best... ♪

MAN: Yes, there's nothing dreamier than Cupid Chocolates.

Those fairy-tale centres take you out of this world

into a land of make-believe come true.

♪ Fairy-tale chocolates by Cupid ♪

- MAN 1: Cut it! - MAN 2: Cut it!

- How was that? - Not bad. Could be better.

- Yes... - In all, 35 seconds.

- Erm, listen... - I'm a bit worried about the caress thing.

Could he caress her this time? The jingle does say "the one you love to caress".

- Yeah, yeah... - It's talking about the girl.

We'll try it that way this time.

Darling, listen. This time would you... would you let him caress you?

Would you let... him touch your cheek, hm?

What? He... I caress...

No, he caresses you.

All right. Please, don't break it up.

- MAN: Come on, boys. Quiet. - Let's try a take for the prince.

- Good afternoon, sir. - Hello. How do you do?

Excuse me...

Don't you think that the house would be much much better, seen from this angle?

Er... yes, sir,

but you see, it's a question of the light.

- Oh, the light. - (SPEAKING ITALIAN)

- MAN: Scene two, take three. - MAN 2: Action!

WOMAN: Yes, there's nothing dreamier than Cupid Chocolates.

Those fairy-tale centres take you out of this world

into a land of make-believe come true.

As those fairy-tale centres melt in the mouth,

they'll melt the heart of the one you love to caress.

Fairy-tale centres...

MAN: He is the Pope Urbano.

One of my father's many ancestors.

Should Popes be ancestors?

Well, the call came late in life.

He was an ancestor before becoming a pope.

I don't see much resemblance.

He was better-looking when he was younger.

- DIANA: Who is she? - My mother. She was very beautiful.

- Was? - She died two years ago in a car crash.

Oh, how awful.

- Very awful. - Here you are.

I've ordered some tea.

DIANA: How marvellous!

Curzio's been giving me some of the family history.

Oh, yes.

Excuse me, I must go. I have a long way to drive,

But I hope we will meet again.

- I hope so. - Goodbye. Till soon, then.

- Till soon. - (SPEAKS ITALIAN)

(REPLIES IN ITALIAN)

He's a nice boy, Curzio.

Yes. Yes, very.

(BELL TOLLS)

- It's so beautiful. - I'm glad you like it.

There's nothing like this in England. Thank you.

But you have in England the most beautiful country houses in the world.

- Have a chocolate. - (GROANS)

No, it's different here. There's a sense of...

eternity.

A sort of peacefulness.

It is almost... religious, if you know what I mean.

Yes.

Well, it seems to make life easier to bear.

But you don't have any problem in bearing the weight of life. Do you?

I don't know about that.

Well, on you it must weigh very lightly. For me, it's different.

I recently lost someone too.

Not like you did, but...

Well, I don't much care to go back to England just now.

- Do you have a family? - Not like yours.

Not that supports one, gives one strength.

- You have God practically in the family. - Oh..

Well, you know, every man is alone in the last resolve, and I more than most men.

(CHILDREN'S CRIES)

Well, perhaps not. In some ways.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

They're beautiful.

Yes. Like their mother.

They are. They really are lovely.

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

Well, now you must excuse me.

I swim with them every day, you know.

It's a duty which is also pleasure.

- Excuse me, will you? - Of course. Thank you so much.

DIANA: I don't think I'd ever needed a holiday quite so much as I did then,

and Capri was ideal.

I just wanted peace and quiet and to get away from everything, really.

Campari?

Due Campari per favore.

- Uh-uh... - Hm...?

We are not complicating our holiday with any disgusting sexcapades...

Brother and sister till death do us part?

- Done. - Share and share alike.

- Everything split down the middle. - Absolutely.

- Now, tell us what's new in London. - Oh, nothing much.

I'll tell you who I did bump into.

- Mm-hm... - Robert.

- My Robert? - The same.

And?

- Seemed OK. - Alone?

- Me or him? - I don't care who you were with.

Charming.

Do you care who he was with?

No, not particularly.

What was she like?

Blonde. 21 . Extremely well-appointed, as they say.

Grazie.

It's OK. He was alone.

- He wasn't. - I swear.

You rotten thing, you...

I know. Happy holiday!

And you, principe.

And you.

- DIANA: Oh, my, what a dream. - Oh, it's super.

DIANA: Mm...

I was just thinking how nice it would be if we could live here.

Hm...

I could do without sex.

Don't really like it that much.

If I could just feel...

complete.

Oh, Mal, let's buy this place. It can't cost much.

It'd be marvellous.

I want it more than anything in the whole world.

Happy girl?

(CHANTING IN LATIN)

(MAN SINGING IN ITALIAN)

Mal.

Are you ready, Eddie? Scusi il ritardo.

- Morning. - Morning.

- Caffè, signorina? - Yes.

Traitor.

- Why the harsh words? - Harsh word. One is sufficient.

Darling, really.

Brother and sister till death us do part. Hm.

(HORN BLOWING)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(GASPS)

MAN: Well, I happened to be passing,

so I thought, why not drop in?

DIANA: Why not, indeed!

Diana, I've been thinking about you a lot,

Oh, that's nice.

And, er... what you said.

Did I say something?

Yes, about Italy.

- How much you like it. - Oh, yes. I simply adore it.

Curzio is very taken with you, you know.

Well... he's very young.

He recognises a certain quality in you.

I expect he'll get over it.

I don't think so.

He was very much in favour of my coming here.

As a matter of fact, he persuaded me to come.

Why?

- I am afraid I don't understand. - To propose to you.

But, er... why couldn't he have proposed himself?

I mean it, it's all ridiculously childish, but...

Good you approve that I should propose to you

since, er...

it is I who wishes to marry you.

I see.

There is no point in not saying what is in one's heart.

No really, principe.

- Cesare. - Cesare.

CESARE: I'm staying here until tomorrow.

Will you think it over?

(HORN BEEPING)

Ciao!

Buona sera!

Scusi ma lavorara.

Le mani...

- Ciao. - Ci vediamo...

I thought about it all last night.

I hardly slept at all, Cesare, thinking.

I know I can't... I can't give up my life.

You understand?

Well...

If you ever change your mind, I shall not have changed mine.

I am very sorry I gave you sleepless night.

I too had one. Goodbye.

Goodbye, Cesare.

- Andiamo. - Sì, signore.

Andiamo.

Bye-bye, principe.

MAL: Arrivederci, Roma!

(RINGING)

ROBERT: When they bury Walter Southgate tomorrow,

there will be buried with him something of the regional tradition of English literature.

Nowadays, it is London which, more and more, devours the talents.

"London, that damn jam factory, boiling out the goodness from writers",

as Southgate once said to me.

A certain flinty integrity has gone.

Perhaps forever.

Good night.

TV PRESENTER: And that's all from us for this week.

We'll be back with you again with another programme, in a fortnight's time.

Till then, good night.

♪ Someone who cares about you

♪ Someone there

♪ When you fail

♪ Every time you try

♪ You need someone

♪ To help you get on by

♪ Someone to talk to

♪ Someone to love you

♪ Someone to walk beside you

♪ On the way

♪ Someone to talk to, baby

♪ Someone who needs you just like me

♪ And the one

♪ Who will understand

♪ Yes, and the one

♪ Who wants to hold your hand

♪ Someone to talk to

♪ Someone who wants you

♪ Someone to love you

♪ More and more each day

♪ Ay-ay-ay-ay-ee-yay... ♪

Ice.

♪ Someone to talk to, baby

♪ Someone who needs you just like me

♪ And the one

♪ Who will understand

♪ Yes, and the one

♪ Who wants to hold your hand

♪ Someone to talk to

♪ Someone who wants you

♪ Someone who loves you... ♪

Well... Where did all the young flowers go?

Proceed.

Amuse me.

♪ Someone to talk to, baby

♪ Someone to talk to, baby... ♪

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I wondered if you knew Southgate had died.

- Could I? - (DOOR OPENS)

What's going on?

I think you'd better go.

Get out of here, will you?

Just get out of here.

I thought you'd gone too.

You bastard. You really are, aren't you? A bastard...

- Would you like some tea? - Tea?

To calm you down. You seem a bit hysterical.

I asked you to go. Why haven't you?

Because I've stayed.

- What is it? - Nothing.

Are you afraid of something?

I get the feeling you're afraid of something.

What's wrong?

Wrong?

Nothing.

I didn't ask you to leave Robert, you know.

You never ask me to do anything.

As long as you realise.

As long as you realise I just hate your guts.

As long as you realise Robert's the only person I ever remotely loved.

When you've finished.

As long as you're convinced, you don't have to persuade me, my darling.

You are afraid I'll kill myself?

Has that ever happened to you?

Who was she, Miles?

Put away your Penguin Freud, Diana.

- Who was she? - And your crystal ball.

It's late.

Poor Miles. You can't risk feeling anything, can you?

I shall survive.

Of course... as long as you remain impotent.

My impotence, my darling, makes a pair with your virginity.

Impotent in every way, except in bed.

Don't underestimate me my dear. I can also be very effective on the telephone.

I'll say good night.

DIANA: Life is full of "if onlys", isn't it?

You know: if only, if only...

If only Robert had come half an hour later, the whole thing might've been different.

Oh, I... I sort of felt it wasn't any good, you know.

I just had to go and try to find him again.

I remember thinking:

I bet he will be at that funeral.

MAN: "The days of man are but as grass,

"but he flourishes as a flower or as a field.

"For as the wind goeth over it, it is gone,

"and the place thereof shall know it no more.

"We commend unto thy own hands of mercy, most merciful Father,

"the soul of this, our brother, Walter Southgate, departed,

"and we commit his body to the ground,

"earth to earth, ashes to ashes,

"and dust to dust,

"in the sure and certain hope of the resurrection

"to eternal life, through our Lord Jesus Christ,

"who shall change the body of our low estate

"that it be like unto His glory..."

- Miss Scott? - Yes.

- Lesley Page, Evening Standard. - Oh, yes?

I didn't know you knew Walter Southgate.

Oh, yes, we were considerable friends, actually.

- When was this? - Oh, about two years ago.

He found out how much I admired his work and...

sweet man, he invited me round to see him.

Which was your favourite book?

Oh, all of them.

As a matter of fact, I may be filming one of his books in Paris.

- Really? - Yes, I'm talking to Raoul Maxime.

You know, the French film director...

(PHONE RINGS)

- Hello. - MAN: Diana...

- Yes, Robert... - MAN: "Yes, Robert"...?

Who is that? Malcolm, is that you?

I rang to congratulate you, I just read in the paper about the film.

- Who is that? - That is Diana Scott...?

Yes, it is. Will you tell me who's speaking, please?

(CHUCKLES) I wish I was Robert...

Please, who is that speaking?

Oh, come on now, we met a couple of times, at a party...

(SHOUTING) For God's sakes, who is it?

(INDISTINCT)

For Christ's sakes, stop mucking around. Tell me who's speaking!

- (HANGS UP) - Hello...

DIANA: Oh, I just felt I'd absolutely no-one to turn to.

No-one to turn to. Nothing to fall back on. You know...

Then, suddenly there was someone who really understood,

who really cared about me.

Didn't want anything out of me.

He was so terribly understanding, Father Chapman.

Do you know him?

He's Monsignor Chapman now.

Now, he's a terrible sweetie. Terribly human.

I suppose I've always believed in God.

Just has to be a God, doesn't there?

You know. Somebody who understands.

Just has to be.

I really took it very seriously, you know.

I knew I couldn't go ahead with my marriage,

unless I was really serious about it.

(BELL RINGING, CHATTER IN ITALIAN)

MAN: It isn't everyday that we have a new English princess,

but it happened last week at the ancient home of the Prince Cesare della Romita

when our own Diana Scott became the bride of this famous Italian prince

and bobsleigh enthusiast.

Everyone was there: old family friends, the people from the estate.

And, my goodness, how happy they were to find themselves with a mistress again.

The prince, who stems from one of Italy's oldest families,

has been married before and has seven children.

It isn't every princess who finds herself the mother of seven on her wedding day.

Simple family meals are something the princess is determined to maintain.

She intends to supervise all of the family cooking

and she's a regular and welcome visitor to the kitchens.

The princess has always loved country life.

She herself comes from Sussex

and she and the prince aim to spend plenty of time in the open air.

The princess hopes to be a friend to all sorts and conditions of men,

not least those less fortunate and less gifted than herself.

Princess Diana is radiantly confident

that she can make a real and meaningful contribution

to her new family and to her new country.

(CHANTING IN LATIN)

We wish auguri

- "good wishes" in her new language -

to a new Italian princess who will, to us, always remain a British one as well.

(CHANTING IN LATIN CONTINUES)

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

- Are you all right, my darling? - I'm fine.

Have you understood what I said to Palucci?

- Enough. - Well, I'm sorry, but I must go to Rome.

The bank meeting is tomorrow morning.

- And tonight? - Oh, tonight...

I'll go and see my mother. You know I must go and see my mother.

- Yes. - Next time you must come with me.

- But just now, Rome is not amusing. - Yes, I know.

- If you need anything, Palucci will... - It's all right, I have plenty to do...

Look, I'll be back on Thursday. Probably Friday...

So take care of yourself. Bye, darling.

- Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

(CAR DOOR SHUTS)

(ENGINE REVVING)

- Buona notte! - Buona notte!

Buona notte! Good night!

- Good night, signora. - Good night.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

I'll send the car for you at 12 o' clock. Enjoy yourselves.

- My husband's mother... - Yes, principessa.

Have you her phone number?

The principessa had the instrument removed some years ago, principessa.

So my husband is not attainable at all tonight, then?

One could send a telegram, principessa.

That's the only means whereby you can get in contact?

That is so, principessa.

Thank you. Thank you, Signor Palucci.

Principessa.

Grazie.

- Are you resident in this country? - No, in Italy.

Have you bought any presents while you've been abroad?

No, nothing at all. Just personal luggage.

- No perfume? - No nothing at all.

You realise that perfume is dutiable?

Yes, well I haven't got any with me, anyway.

- No, no. It's just all personal. - You bought nothing at all.

- No cigarettes or spirits? - I've got nothing to declare.

Hello.

I didn't know whether you'd come.

I was always easily seduced.

Especially by telegrams.

I hoped you would be.

- You look older. - You don't.

Come on, I hate this anteroom.

Well...

ROBERT: Well?

Isn't it a miracle?

We're still a couple.

I thought maybe after all this time

something would have changed.

It hasn't.

ROBERT: We are?

Aren't we?

Thank God it's never too late.

Two people really belong to each other.

It doesn't matter what happens.

This time, darling, let's get somewhere in the country.

Away from all this London racket.

Somewhere quiet where you can write.

We both learned our lesson and won't make any more mistakes.

I know we can be so happy.

We're not going back to anything, you know.

This was just for old times' sake.

Porter, please.

What are you doing?

Porter, will you get on to London Airport

and reserve me one seat on any flight this afternoon to Rome.

- That's right; - What the hell are you doing?

The Princess Della Romita.

R-O-M...

Robert, put down that phone. Give me that phone. What are you doing?

You are going back to Rome.

I am not going back. I'll cancel it. Give me that phone.

Get up... and get dressed.

You bastard.

You just used me.

You used me. It's a moot point.

Now, get dressed.

God, I hate you.

It is not true, Robert. I love you.

You know I love you. What are you doing Robert?

Please. Please, I've come all this way.

Get dressed and I'll take you to the airport.

Oh, Robert, come on. It's only 'cause I love you. Don't throw it away.

I need you. Please...

Will you get dressed?

Robert...

Just give us one more chance. I beg of you.

Let's spend a week together.

- It won't hurt to try a week. - I don't have a week.

I...don't see how you can throw away something that's meant so much to us.

It doesn't put me off, you know.

Being vile to me doesn't put me off.

It puts me off.

- It disgusts me. - What does?

To hear myself.

To hear the way I want to treat you.

I won't feel like this a moment longer than I have to.

But we can't just go like this.

You'd be surprised.

You're in love with someone else. Is that it?

No.

Gone back to your wife?

No, on the contrary...

She wants to divorce me. She's found someone else she wants to marry.

- Well? - Isn't that good news.

But if there isn't anyone else, what are you going to do?

- Why just... - I'm going to a small American university.

I shall read, shall lecture...

You'll hate it.

...and I shall like it. It's what I want to do. I shall write.

What will you write about?

I'll write about you.

About myself, about my wife, and my children.

They played a large part, you know.

- I played the largest part. - Certainly the most dramatic.

Robert, stop the car.

I won't go to Rome.

- You're going to Rome. - I'll kill myself.

- Then kill yourself. - I will, I swear I will.

So do.

I didn't say I wanted to go with you.

If I can't be with you, I don't want to be alive.

- Like hell. - It's true.

All lies are true at the time.

(HORN BLOWS)

Porter.

Yes, ma'am?

My suitcase is in the back.

(HORN BLARES)

WOMAN: (ON TANNOY) Announcing the arrival of BOAC flight 262 from Lagos

and Frankfurt.

What actually is the purpose of your visit here?

(CHUCKLES) Don't know how you even found out I was in England.

Any special reason?

My mother hasn't been very well. I came over to see her.

No other reason?

Isn't one's mother enough reason?

I see. Are you happy in Italy, principessa?

I'm as happy as anyone could possibly be.

Are you, er... likely to resume your career soon, principessa?

I have a family now and that gives me all I could possible want.

(♪ "SANTA LUCIA")