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1
00:00:00,001 --> 00:00:03,936
Previously on Mom...
I just found out
my teenage daughter is pregnant.
2
00:00:03,938 --> 00:00:06,805
Really?
Wow.
3
00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:09,842
She's not a cheerleader
with an overbite, is she?
4
00:00:11,044 --> 00:00:13,045
No, why?
5
00:00:13,047 --> 00:00:15,180
No reason.
6
00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:19,885
I love you and
I'm gonna love your baby.
7
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:23,055
It's our baby.
8
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:25,691
What?
9
00:00:28,962 --> 00:00:30,996
I'm sorry, I got
a lot on my mind.
10
00:00:30,998 --> 00:00:33,232
Well, I'm a good listener.
11
00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:35,367
A penny for your thoughts?
12
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:39,171
Okay, fine. How's this?
13
00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:42,207
I'm working my ass off so I
can take care of my children,
14
00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:44,043
I just found out I'm gonna
be a freaking grandma,
15
00:00:44,045 --> 00:00:45,477
and the man that
I'm sleeping with
16
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:47,246
only has time for me when
his wife is out of town,
17
00:00:47,248 --> 00:00:48,247
and I desperately want
18
00:00:48,249 --> 00:00:49,548
to run away from it all
19
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,016
with a bottle of this,
but I can't
20
00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:52,851
because my name is Christy
and I'm an alcoholic.
21
00:00:52,853 --> 00:00:55,821
Hola, Christy.
22
00:00:57,557 --> 00:00:58,991
(sighs)
23
00:00:58,993 --> 00:01:00,359
Are we ready to order?
24
00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:01,693
Yeah, I think so.
25
00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:02,728
Sis?
26
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:03,762
You go first.
27
00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:05,898
Thanks for putting
me on the spot.
28
00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:09,101
My sister does this
to me all the time.
29
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:10,269
(growls)
30
00:01:10,271 --> 00:01:12,771
Okay.
31
00:01:12,773 --> 00:01:14,173
Family, huh?
32
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:15,340
Yep.
Yeah.
33
00:01:15,342 --> 00:01:16,341
Okay, let's see.
34
00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:17,709
I would like the
scallop risotto
35
00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:19,678
since I am not allergic to
shellfish, unlike my sister.
36
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:20,746
(clears throat)
37
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:24,750
Idiot.
38
00:01:26,119 --> 00:01:27,119
Good choice.
39
00:01:27,121 --> 00:01:28,187
Thanks, yeah.
40
00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:29,788
We're celebrating
her divorce.
41
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,023
Now we're both single.
42
00:01:34,127 --> 00:01:36,929
I hope my son and daughter
can be there for each other
43
00:01:36,931 --> 00:01:39,131
when their spouses
inevitably turn on them.
44
00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:40,699
Oh, you have
children.
45
00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:42,267
I love children.
46
00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:44,269
I-I believe
they're our future.
47
00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:47,272
So, how about you?
48
00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:48,974
Do, do you have a spouse
who turned on you?
49
00:01:48,976 --> 00:01:50,576
Oh, yeah, lot of hard feelings.
50
00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:53,178
Ah, terrific.
Wow.
51
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,115
Can I grab you
for just a sec?
52
00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:58,717
I'll be right back.
53
00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:01,487
He probably needs me to open up
a jar of pickles or something.
54
00:02:02,722 --> 00:02:04,156
Okay, well, bye.
55
00:02:06,726 --> 00:02:08,093
Was that guy hitting on you?
56
00:02:08,095 --> 00:02:10,462
Yeah, he absolutely was.
57
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:11,563
Thought so.
58
00:02:11,565 --> 00:02:13,398
I'll ask Richard
to take the table.
59
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,135
Why?
I don't want him bothering you.
60
00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:17,236
He's not.
61
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,303
Is he bothering you?
62
00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:20,105
No, I'm just protective of you
63
00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:23,075
'cause you and I have,
you know, something special
64
00:02:23,077 --> 00:02:25,677
going on.
65
00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:27,179
Yeah, it's
called adultery.
66
00:02:29,849 --> 00:02:32,251
Why do you make it sound
so cheap and ugly?
67
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:34,520
Oh, I'm sorry.
68
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:37,356
Unicorns, rainbows, you're
cheating on your wife.
69
00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:43,362
I told you
they were doing it.
70
00:02:46,266 --> 00:02:47,966
And another thing--
71
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:50,969
you have no right to tell me
who I can and cannot see.
72
00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:51,970
What are you saying?
73
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:53,105
We're not monogamous?
74
00:02:54,974 --> 00:02:56,975
Gabriel, you're married.
75
00:02:56,977 --> 00:02:58,310
We do it once a month,
76
00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:01,413
and I don't even
take off my T-shirt.
77
00:03:04,651 --> 00:03:06,652
Let me make it
simple for you.
78
00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:10,355
All of this stuff
here is in play.
79
00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:17,863
(exclaiming
indistinctly)
80
00:03:23,336 --> 00:03:25,337
Oh, that's good thinking.
81
00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:26,538
Uh, Gabriel,
82
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,373
Paul and I would like you
to give us money
83
00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:31,210
not to tell your wife
you're banging Christy.
84
00:03:34,547 --> 00:03:37,216
A lot of money.
85
00:03:39,652 --> 00:03:41,019
Hey, sis, look
who's back.
86
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,221
Give it a rest.
87
00:03:42,223 --> 00:03:44,389
So, what's the deal
with your brother?
88
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:45,390
Good guy, whack job?
89
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:46,658
Give it to me straight.
90
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:48,427
I'm a single mom and I
don't have a lot of time.
91
00:03:50,263 --> 00:03:51,330
He's amazing.
92
00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:52,598
I'd go out with him, you know,
93
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,666
if it didn't make us
hillbillies.
94
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,837
All right.
95
00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:00,906
I'll write my phone number
on the check.
96
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,207
Hold on a second.
97
00:04:02,209 --> 00:04:04,343
What makes you think I was
even trying to ask you out?
98
00:04:06,279 --> 00:04:08,280
You weren't?
99
00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:09,948
Oh, uh, this is,
this is awkward.
100
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:11,250
Let me get you a new server.
101
00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:13,318
Wait, now, I was just
trying to be cool.
102
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,424
Mission accomplished.
103
00:04:37,543 --> 00:04:39,244
This is a cute top.
104
00:04:39,246 --> 00:04:42,714
Oh, that's actually a party
dress from my drinking days.
105
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:43,882
Wow.
106
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:45,384
Were you drinking
when you bought it?
107
00:04:46,386 --> 00:04:48,487
I hope so.
108
00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:50,255
Anyway,
it doesn't matter,
109
00:04:50,257 --> 00:04:51,556
I'm not that kind
of girl anymore.
110
00:04:51,558 --> 00:04:52,824
Hello.
111
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,394
What kind of girl were
you when you wore this?
112
00:04:57,330 --> 00:04:58,497
Popular.
113
00:04:59,432 --> 00:05:01,400
Oh, my God, I hate
114
00:05:01,402 --> 00:05:03,302
everything in my closet.
115
00:05:03,304 --> 00:05:07,306
It all looks like Halloween
in Slutsylvania.
116
00:05:07,308 --> 00:05:10,475
Calm down,
we'll find something.
117
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:13,278
Okay, so tell me
about this guy tonight.
118
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:14,613
(groans)
I don't know.
119
00:05:14,615 --> 00:05:18,950
Cute, kind of boyish...
pretty normal really.
120
00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:22,254
You just described
every serial killer.
121
00:05:22,256 --> 00:05:26,458
No, he loves his sister,
which I take as a good sign.
122
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:29,294
Boing, my gay-dar just went off.
123
00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:30,295
He's not gay.
124
00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:32,264
He puts ketchup on his steak.
125
00:05:32,266 --> 00:05:33,765
I don't get
126
00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:35,200
what you're so jittery about.
127
00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:36,668
You know how to do this.
128
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,303
I know how to do this drunk.
129
00:05:38,305 --> 00:05:40,839
Come on, you've been dating
your boss since you got sober.
130
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:43,775
(groans)
You can't call
what we do dating.
131
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:48,313
It's just sex
in uncomfortable places.
132
00:05:48,315 --> 00:05:49,881
I hope you mean broom closets.
133
00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:52,351
Yes.
134
00:05:52,353 --> 00:05:54,586
Oh, Mom, God.
135
00:05:56,889 --> 00:05:59,624
The point is,
136
00:05:59,626 --> 00:06:01,993
Gabriel's married,
so there's no future with him.
137
00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:04,062
But this guy tonight, who knows?
138
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:07,733
We could wind up with
a little house, picket fence,
139
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:10,102
missionary sex twice a week.
140
00:06:11,237 --> 00:06:12,838
You know, I had sex
with a missionary once
141
00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:16,074
and oddly he was not
a fan of that position.
142
00:06:17,009 --> 00:06:18,643
Thank you for that image.
143
00:06:20,146 --> 00:06:22,481
I'm just worried that if he
finds out the kind of person
144
00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:23,982
I was, he won't like me.
145
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,083
Oh, honey.
146
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:26,318
I know, it's silly.
147
00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:27,519
It's not silly--
148
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:30,222
you should definitely
lie about your past.
149
00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:30,989
What?
150
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,190
Yeah, sometimes I like
151
00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,992
to tell guys
I'm Carole Anne Stevenson
152
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:36,194
from Albuquerque, New Mexico.
153
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:38,196
You're kidding.
154
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,765
Nope, Carole's a schoolteacher
155
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,333
like her mother
and her Aunt Judy.
156
00:06:41,335 --> 00:06:42,434
She loves baking and gardening
157
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,503
and volunteering
down at the homeless shelter.
158
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:49,074
Now tell me about this.
159
00:06:52,011 --> 00:06:53,512
That's actually yours.
160
00:06:57,550 --> 00:06:59,751
Are you taking the prenatal
vitamins we got you?
161
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:00,786
Uh-huh.
162
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:02,287
Did you stop smoking
pot and drinking?
163
00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:03,288
Of course.
164
00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:04,289
Don't bite my head off.
165
00:07:04,291 --> 00:07:06,558
Not everybody does.
166
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,561
(sighs)
167
00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:12,097
Thanks for looking
after Roscoe tonight.
168
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:13,365
Yeah, whatever.
169
00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:15,534
You're really wearing that
on a date?
170
00:07:17,236 --> 00:07:19,237
What's wrong with it?
171
00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:21,807
You look
like a slutty highlighter.
172
00:07:23,576 --> 00:07:25,577
You know what?
173
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:28,613
I think I look great,
and that's all that matters.
174
00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:30,582
Where are you going?
175
00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:33,151
Where do you think? To change.
176
00:07:34,921 --> 00:07:36,621
Why are you being such a bitch?
177
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:37,722
I'm just being honest.
178
00:07:37,724 --> 00:07:39,157
Good, I'll be honest, too.
179
00:07:39,159 --> 00:07:40,525
You're being a bitch.
180
00:07:41,561 --> 00:07:42,961
And I use that word
181
00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,763
instead of the word
I want to use
182
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:47,599
because you're my granddaughter
and I love you.
183
00:07:47,601 --> 00:07:49,468
What, so I'm supposed
to make a big deal
184
00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:52,070
just because she's going out
with some random guy?
185
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:54,172
Excuse me, young lady,
but your mother going out
186
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:57,409
with some random guy is
the only reason you exist.
187
00:07:59,445 --> 00:08:00,479
And I'll tell you
another thing--
188
00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:01,446
if she doesn't
meet somebody,
189
00:08:01,448 --> 00:08:02,948
she's going to turn
into one of those
190
00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,483
crazy old ladies with 20 cats
191
00:08:04,485 --> 00:08:05,517
who lives with their daughter.
192
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:07,085
You're going to be chasing her
down the street,
193
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:09,187
trying to pin her robe shut.
194
00:08:10,623 --> 00:08:12,457
(sighs)
195
00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:13,525
Better?
196
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:15,494
Ugh.
197
00:08:15,496 --> 00:08:17,329
Damn it.
198
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:19,164
Mom, wait.
199
00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,299
What?
200
00:08:21,301 --> 00:08:23,635
Why don't you try on
that black dress in my closet?
201
00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:25,370
I think it'll look cute on you.
202
00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:27,839
Thank you.
203
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:31,209
Well, look at you
being a nice person.
204
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,544
I'll tell you what.
205
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:34,479
As a reward, why don't you go
out with Luke tonight
206
00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:35,847
and I'll watch Roscoe?
207
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:36,948
You don't have plans?
208
00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:38,350
Nah, at my age,
when you've had sex
209
00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:39,584
in the afternoon,
you're good for the whole day.
210
00:08:45,324 --> 00:08:46,491
(sighs)
211
00:08:46,493 --> 00:08:48,760
(both chuckle)
212
00:08:51,564 --> 00:08:53,465
If our waitress is cute,
213
00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:55,400
it's totally okay
to say I'm your sister.
214
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:57,369
(chuckles)
215
00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:59,504
No, I'm good.
216
00:08:59,506 --> 00:09:01,206
Have you ever eaten here before?
217
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,407
No, I haven't.
218
00:09:02,409 --> 00:09:03,542
(chuckles)
219
00:09:03,544 --> 00:09:04,543
How about you?
220
00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:05,577
No.
221
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:06,878
Ah, look at us.
222
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,179
We already have something
in common.
223
00:09:08,181 --> 00:09:09,180
(chuckles)
224
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:11,049
Yeah.
225
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,851
So, what do you do?
226
00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:15,387
Oh, yeah, I'm,
I'm a civil engineer.
227
00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:16,421
Wow.
228
00:09:16,423 --> 00:09:17,689
Yeah.
229
00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:19,758
I have no idea why I said wow
230
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:21,660
'cause I don't know
what that is.
231
00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:23,695
Oh, okay, uh,
232
00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:25,063
well, today,
for instance,
233
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,932
the city decided that it
needed a new stoplight,
234
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:29,401
so it's my job to go
over all the contracts
235
00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:30,535
with the stoplight
manufacturers
236
00:09:30,537 --> 00:09:32,537
and just get
the best price
237
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:36,074
for the s-stoplight.
238
00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:41,146
That sounds crazy.
239
00:09:42,081 --> 00:09:44,749
No, it's pretty boring.
240
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:46,051
No, no, no, it's not.
241
00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:48,887
From now on, every time
I stop at a red light,
242
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:50,088
I'll think of you.
243
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:52,691
Oh, so th-that'll be often.
244
00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:55,093
Not really, I tend to just
blow right through 'em.
245
00:09:58,230 --> 00:09:59,864
Good evening, folks.
246
00:09:59,866 --> 00:10:01,933
Can I start you off
with a cocktail or some wine?
247
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,635
Yes, would you like a drink?
248
00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,470
No, thank you.
249
00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:06,705
Ah, come on,
live a little.
250
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:09,608
Oh, you can live a little
for both of us.
251
00:10:09,610 --> 00:10:10,742
No, don't be silly.
252
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:12,310
Glass of wine
never hurt anyone.
253
00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,713
Oh, boy.
254
00:10:15,748 --> 00:10:16,982
I don't drink--
255
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:19,217
not because I don't want to
but because I can't.
256
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:21,119
It wrecked my life,
it destroyed my relationships,
257
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:22,654
and I'm still picking up
the pieces,
258
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,456
but if you want a glass
of wine, you go right ahead.
259
00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:25,457
Won't bother me at all.
260
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,392
I'm his sister.
261
00:10:32,732 --> 00:10:33,832
So once I finally
quit drinking, I had
262
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,734
all these feelings come up,
and I didn't know
263
00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:37,636
how to deal with them,
so I started eating.
264
00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:39,404
Every night after work
I'd come home,
265
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:42,273
I'd take a bag of
salt-and-vinegar potato chips,
266
00:10:42,275 --> 00:10:44,309
I'd hit it with a book
so it was just crumbs,
267
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,511
and I'd mix it with a pint
of vanilla ice cream.
268
00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:47,979
I gained 18 pounds in,
like, a month.
269
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,515
Then in the middle of the night,
I woke up and I thought
270
00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:52,117
I had a cat on my lap--
looked down
271
00:10:52,119 --> 00:10:54,853
turns out it was my own stomach.
272
00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:02,661
I don't think I can do this.
273
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:11,536
It's our first date.
274
00:11:15,307 --> 00:11:18,176
Okay, you've got an eight,
and I give you...
275
00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:20,278
a seven--
how many is that?
276
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,713
Fifteen.
277
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:22,714
Very good.
278
00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:25,884
Now, the house is
showing a face card.
279
00:11:27,653 --> 00:11:28,720
And you're the house.
280
00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:30,055
Yes, I am.
281
00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:32,090
How much you want to bet?
282
00:11:33,059 --> 00:11:34,693
All of it.
283
00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:37,128
On a 15. Interesting.
284
00:11:38,798 --> 00:11:41,499
Ooh! Another eight.
How many is that?
285
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,535
Twenty-three?
286
00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,303
But the name of the game is...?
287
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,404
"Twenty-One."
288
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:49,007
Exactly.
289
00:11:49,009 --> 00:11:51,409
Thanks for
watching Roscoe.
290
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:53,945
We'll see you later.
Hey, hang on.
291
00:11:57,917 --> 00:12:00,819
You listen to me, teen Jesus...
292
00:12:03,589 --> 00:12:07,926
I want my granddaughter back
by 11:00 with her hymen intact.
293
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:09,994
What?!
294
00:12:11,230 --> 00:12:12,597
I'm just screwing with you.
295
00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:14,599
You already knocked her up;
do whatever you want.
296
00:12:16,869 --> 00:12:19,003
I know that was supposed
to be funny,
297
00:12:19,005 --> 00:12:21,072
but I peed myself a little.
298
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:27,345
Sorry, sir, only
players at the table.
299
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:29,380
I want to play more blackjack.
300
00:12:29,382 --> 00:12:30,882
Okay. Ante up.
301
00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:33,418
I can't. I don't
have any more money.
302
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:34,886
No money?
303
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:38,089
Or no money on you?
304
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:40,091
I have some in my piggy bank.
305
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:43,828
Well, it's not doing you
any good in there, is it?
306
00:12:44,897 --> 00:12:46,998
Be right back.
307
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:51,870
Wait'll I teach him
how to play pai gow.
308
00:12:55,474 --> 00:12:58,777
Oh, God, I'm gonna die alone.
309
00:13:03,315 --> 00:13:05,950
Please let it be now.
310
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,118
Open the door.
311
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,820
(groans)
312
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:11,022
Damn it!
313
00:13:14,326 --> 00:13:16,427
Hey. Hope you're hungry,
'cause I...
314
00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:19,397
brought us dinner.
What? How?
315
00:13:19,399 --> 00:13:20,765
As I was chasing you
out of the restaurant,
316
00:13:20,767 --> 00:13:22,801
I bought a guy's to-go order.
Really?
317
00:13:22,803 --> 00:13:25,904
Yeah.
That's so adorable.
318
00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:28,807
And/or... desperate.
319
00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:31,409
Well, let's go with adorable.
320
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:33,244
'Cause I really
want you to like me.
321
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:35,580
(laughs)
Okay, let's see what
we're having for dinner.
322
00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:37,415
This looks like
some kind of chicken.
323
00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:39,184
Ooh, I love some
kind of chicken.
324
00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:41,452
Yeah? Okay, okay.
325
00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:45,256
And I have a pasta--
looks like, uh, Bolognese.
326
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,524
Ooh, I like that, too!
327
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:49,794
You want to switch?
No, no, no.
328
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:52,597
Well, yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
329
00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:53,965
Wow.
330
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,968
Uh-oh, no,
there are no utensils.
331
00:13:56,970 --> 00:14:00,004
Oh. Check the glove compartment.
332
00:14:00,006 --> 00:14:02,307
I eat in my car a lot.
(chuckles)
333
00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:04,042
(glove compartment clicks open)
Oh.
334
00:14:04,977 --> 00:14:06,511
Ooh.
335
00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,512
Fancy.
336
00:14:10,816 --> 00:14:12,851
Okay, time for bed.
337
00:14:12,853 --> 00:14:14,986
I'll tell you what,
just to show you
338
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:16,454
how much we appreciate
your business,
339
00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:19,958
we're gonna comp your room.
340
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,026
Come on, just one more game.
341
00:14:22,028 --> 00:14:23,528
Well, sorry, buddy,
but you're broke.
342
00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:26,965
Well, um, how about
if you lend me five dollars
343
00:14:26,967 --> 00:14:29,033
and I'll pay you back
when I win?
344
00:14:29,035 --> 00:14:30,835
Oh, sweetheart,
you're gonna grow up
345
00:14:30,837 --> 00:14:34,105
and make some
nice lady so sad.
346
00:14:35,341 --> 00:14:37,375
(knocking on door)
347
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,244
How about if I sell you my iPod?
348
00:14:39,246 --> 00:14:41,379
That might work.
349
00:14:42,348 --> 00:14:43,815
Hey.
350
00:14:43,817 --> 00:14:44,916
What can I do for you, Baxter?
351
00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:46,351
Just came to see my kid.
352
00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:48,152
Hey, Dad, can you
lend me some money?
353
00:14:49,922 --> 00:14:53,892
That's so weird-- I was
gonna ask you the same thing.
354
00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:55,994
(siren blaring)
355
00:14:55,996 --> 00:14:58,062
I'm gonna hang
with you guys for a bit.
356
00:15:00,032 --> 00:15:03,368
Here's a question for you.
Shoot.
357
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:05,937
What's wrong with you that
you would chase a crazy lady
358
00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:08,273
out of a restaurant with a bag
of someone else's food?
359
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:10,575
Why does something
have to be wrong with me
360
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,010
for me to like you?
361
00:15:12,012 --> 00:15:14,412
Nice try.
Answer the question.
362
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:16,714
No, seriously, I
thought we really made
a connection in there.
363
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:19,083
Answer the question.
364
00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:21,085
Okay, uh...
365
00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:24,022
well, I did just get out
of a relationship.
366
00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:25,790
That's what I'm talking about.
367
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,225
Tell me about it.
368
00:15:27,227 --> 00:15:29,694
She-she was very nice. Sweet.
369
00:15:29,696 --> 00:15:32,297
No drama. Um...
370
00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:35,099
Her name wasn't
Carol Anne Stevenson, was it?
371
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:36,734
Yeah, why?
372
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:38,703
No reason. Continue.
373
00:15:38,705 --> 00:15:41,306
Anyway, uh, she was great,
but in all the time
374
00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:45,076
we were together, she never once
told me how she was feeling.
375
00:15:45,078 --> 00:15:47,979
Whereas you, literally,
can't stop telling me.
376
00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:50,481
I'm-I'm sorry.
I feel terrible.
377
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:51,816
See? You just did it again.
378
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:53,985
Okay, but in my defense,
379
00:15:53,987 --> 00:15:56,754
I am emotionally
all over the place.
Oh, wow!
380
00:15:56,756 --> 00:15:58,756
There it is again.
And I am dealing
381
00:15:58,758 --> 00:15:59,924
with a number of personal crises
382
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:01,726
which you really
don't need to know about,
383
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,394
but I feel like
I'm gonna tell you anyway.
384
00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:05,363
What is wrong with me?
Why can't I stop talking?
385
00:16:10,002 --> 00:16:11,469
Well, that shut me up.
386
00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:19,110
Nice.
387
00:16:19,112 --> 00:16:20,311
Yeah.
388
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:21,846
Now what?
389
00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:25,316
Now you get out of my car.
390
00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:28,419
Why? I love it in here.
391
00:16:30,122 --> 00:16:31,856
I'm sorry.
392
00:16:31,858 --> 00:16:34,092
This is good, you're good,
393
00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:37,195
but I am clearly not ready
to start dating.
394
00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:40,198
I wish I could disagree.
395
00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:44,035
But I want you to know
that when I am...
396
00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:46,170
you are at the top of my list.
397
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,539
And the list
isn't very long.
398
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,141
In fact, it's just you.
399
00:16:50,143 --> 00:16:52,043
(chuckles):
Great.
400
00:16:57,516 --> 00:17:00,118
You're not as crazy
as you think you are.
401
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:04,355
That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.
402
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:08,726
Run.
403
00:17:10,396 --> 00:17:13,164
What do you want to do
with that soft 19?
404
00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:14,799
I'll hold.
405
00:17:14,801 --> 00:17:16,701
Hold? What's that?
406
00:17:17,903 --> 00:17:19,904
BAXTER:
It means you have
407
00:17:19,906 --> 00:17:22,907
a number you like, and you're
not gonna take any more cards.
408
00:17:27,546 --> 00:17:29,147
You can hold?
409
00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:33,384
(doorbell rings)
I'll get it.
410
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,953
(quietly):
I was never here.
411
00:17:37,556 --> 00:17:38,790
You can hold?!
412
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,494
Oh. Hi. Is-is Christy here?
413
00:17:43,496 --> 00:17:44,762
Who might be asking?
414
00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:46,230
Um, I work with her.
415
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:48,199
Oh. You must be her boss.
416
00:17:48,201 --> 00:17:50,268
I am.
You leave your wife yet?
417
00:17:52,871 --> 00:17:54,205
No.
418
00:17:54,207 --> 00:17:56,207
Then I have no choice
but to inform you
419
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:58,276
that she is out on a date
with a wealthy, educated,
420
00:17:58,278 --> 00:18:01,312
eligible bachelor who's got
a cannon between his legs.
421
00:18:04,450 --> 00:18:07,685
So her mom's not a fan.
422
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:10,621
MAN (recorded):
...by focusing on the positive,
423
00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:14,025
I attract only the best
into my life.
424
00:18:14,027 --> 00:18:16,394
By focusing on the positive...
425
00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:18,229
(shrieks)
426
00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,264
Oh, my God!
427
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:21,466
(gasps)
428
00:18:21,468 --> 00:18:22,300
Oh!
429
00:18:24,203 --> 00:18:25,970
Are you okay?
430
00:18:25,972 --> 00:18:28,639
Uh, I think
you broke my foot.
Oh...
431
00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:30,708
And maybe my nose.
Oh!
432
00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:32,477
Sorry, sorry.
Okay, don't-don't move.
433
00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:35,113
I'm gonna call an ambulance.
No, wait!
434
00:18:35,115 --> 00:18:36,848
My wife can't know I was here.
435
00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:40,451
Okay, well, um,
let's get you in the car,
436
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,520
and I'll take you
to the emergency room.
437
00:18:43,822 --> 00:18:46,724
Ow! Ow! Careful.
438
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,092
Careful.
439
00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:51,295
It... it, uh, hurts
pretty bad, huh?
440
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,364
It's awful.
441
00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:56,300
Well, then this
probably isn't
442
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,803
a great time to
say this, but...
443
00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:01,339
um, I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
444
00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:04,208
Wait, you're
breaking up with me?
445
00:19:05,310 --> 00:19:06,844
Why?!
446
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:08,779
Well, uh...
447
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:11,983
I found out something
about myself tonight.
448
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:13,351
(sighs): Um...
449
00:19:13,353 --> 00:19:15,853
I deserve to be
in a relationship
450
00:19:15,855 --> 00:19:19,157
with a man who...
I can hit with my car
451
00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:21,459
and... you know...
452
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:24,195
not feel like I did
something wrong.
453
00:19:26,598 --> 00:19:29,267
Okay, uh...
454
00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:31,335
I'm not sure what
that means, but...
455
00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:32,770
(screams)
What?!
456
00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:33,538
What?
457
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:36,407
There's a fork in my ass!
458
00:19:42,548 --> 00:19:44,849
Knocky-knocky.
Hi.
459
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:46,350
How's your little boss?
460
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:49,487
Oh, I broke his leg
and his nose.
461
00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:51,822
Admit it, it felt
pretty good, didn't it?
462
00:19:51,824 --> 00:19:54,058
No! No, no, no.
463
00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:57,461
A little bit.
464
00:19:57,463 --> 00:20:00,398
I got you a gift.
465
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,300
Thanks.
What's the occasion?
466
00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:05,336
Well, I know you don't feel
ready to date for a while.
467
00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:07,572
I thought this might put
a little spring in your step.
468
00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:09,373
What is it?
469
00:20:10,342 --> 00:20:11,409
(vibrating)
470
00:20:18,417 --> 00:20:20,384
Thank you.
471
00:20:22,421 --> 00:20:25,056
Do you mind finishing
the dishes?
472
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:25,089
My pleasure.
I am such a good mother.
36873
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