All language subtitles for Desert.Fiends.2024.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264

Whew!
That was a damn long haul.

Whew!

You smell that?
Did I step in shit?

Kenny,
I think I stepped in shit.

No, I guess not.

You know, I gotta get
something off my chest here.

Why are testicles located on
the inside in the male anatomy?

I mean, wouldn't it be so much
easier if balls were internal?

Kenny, what the hell
difference does it make, okay?

Where else would they go?
The inside of your thigh?

Your gooch?

Kenny, you're dumber
than a box of hammers, man.

It's a box of rocks.
Even I know that.

Now... you wanna tussle?

Nah, I don't care to fight you.
I'd win anyway.

Look, I'm just trying
to prove a point, okay?

Without balls that dangle,

I couldn't sack ya.

What in tarnation?

Look up there, Romero.

It's a snail trail,

left here by a celestial being

that dragged his
unclothed naughty bits

across our atmosphere.

Uh, Kenny?

Kenny. You ain't right.

Look. That's from a jet engine.

A jet engine.

You know, I thought after
your last company leave,

you were improving,
but I guess you need

another company vacation, huh?

-I liked the purple pills.
-Yeah, I bet you did.

They tasted fruity,

and it made me feel
like an astronaut.

Right. Well, it's a shame
you ain't made no progress.

Uh, well, other than
that orderly that I choked out

and that one guy
I turned into a vegetable,

I was a star patient.

All right, then, star patient.

Why don't you hurry your ass up
and help me move these barrels?

There's much to dump.
Or else I'll get myself put away

with you next time, and I'll...

eat all your berries
and blast off, okay?

So move your ass. Let's go.

- Head out.
- All right.

All right, come on.

Easy. All right, easy. Okay.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Hang on. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Oh, shit.

-Man.
-Whew!

This is the heaviest
barrel of goo

I've lifted in
my whole entire life.

Oh, man. You know what, Kenny?
Forget a herniated disc.

I feel like my whole rectum's
about to prolapse.

Fuck the chemical company.

Designated dumping site, my ass.

I could've just dumped
these chemicals in my toilet.

You know what?
Speaking of draining,

I need to go drain
the tattooed snake.

I'll be right back. I gotta go.

Hey, don't forget to wipe up.

You don't want a UTI.

I'll let
my girlfriend deal with that.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Come on, come on, get it.

I'll piss my pants.

Oh, here you go. Okay.

Oh.

Oh, my God. Ah, shit.
Forgot, my prostate. Fuck.

Ah! I knew I should've
got that checked.

Fuck-- Ah! Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Come on, come on, come on.
Keep going, keep going.

That's it.
Oh, yeah, that's better.

Oh, God. Thank you, Lord.
Thank you, Lord.

Kenny? Kenny, is that you?

Hey. Hey, buddy?

Holy shit! What the--
Get the fuck--

Get it off--

Ah! Throw my back out,
at my age, son of a bitch.

That's a hell of a stream
you got going on there, Romero.

Piss me a river.

Hey!

Help, Romero!

Help!

Those bastards are monsters.

I wish I'd never
left for that place.

This is why you don't
go into nature.

Stop eatin' me!

I wanted to live.
I didn't want to die.

Why did I have to die?

Why did they do this
to me and my family?

They killed me.

And my entire family.

They were demonic.

Only demons would do
what they did to me!

I just wanted to look
at the birds and they got me.

They owe everyone.
Those monsters. Those bastards.

They're everywhere.

I can hear them at the door!

Oh, God, they're coming in.

Police are currently
searching for a number

of suspicious persons
in connection with

an apparently real murder
caught on camera.

Oh, Margie, our little girl's
outgrown our birthday song.

-I'm very sad now.
-Oh, I know, Lou.

Well, when a girl turns 21,

all that's on her mind
is booze, booze, booze.

Yeah, well, I turned 21,

all my mind was on
was boobs, boobs, boobs.

And I still like boobs.

It's nothing like that.

It's just my boyfriend Scott
was supposed to be here by now.

He promised me a surprise gift.

That boy is nothing
but a wanker.

What could he possibly offer
you other than downstairs itch?

Well, listen, honey. Dawn, we
don't want you to worry, okay?

I'm sure Scott
is out there getting you

the best gift
that money can buy.

-You think so?
-Yes.

In fact, maybe he'll surprise
you with a trip to Cancun.

I took your mother
to Cancun in the eighties.

Do you recall how I acquired
a sunburn on my derriere?

Oh, how can I ever forget?

Ah, the eighties
were a dream fever.

Dawn, what you need
is a well-adjusted boyfriend

like your sister.

Dustin is a real winner,
winner, chicken dinner.

Autumn, you see this card?

This is how you make me feel.

Sad.

I give you all the love I have
and you never return the favor.

I also don't recall
getting you pregnant.

I mean, I haven't even
put my dingy thingy

in your love taco yet.

Look, Dustin,
I only keep you around

'cause you have
the best tongue game in town.

Really? Thanks.

But...
you never tend to my needs.

Gross!
And get near that mushroom tip?

I don't even like
mushrooms on my pizza.

Yeah, that's true.
They are pretty gross.

Yeah, they are.

Gift shopping?

-Yeah. What's up, bud?
-Nothing.

Your girlfriend, or...

Uh, yeah, it's my girlfriend.

You shouldn't sneak up
on people like that, bro.

Well, if you're buying
something for your girlfriend,

I mean, I wouldn't get it here.

-Really?
-Everything's so gimmicky.

You know, women like rings.
You know, shiny things.

Even a piece
of reflective tape is nice

if you cut it in
the right shape.

Great idea. Maybe I'll
stop by a hardware store.

Hardware store?

Yeah, okay, bro.
I gotta go. Thanks. Uh, bye.

Bye.

Who the fuck was that?

Did you feed the cats?

I thought you were
gonna feed the cats.

Go feed the fucking cats.

Why do you hurt me?

'Cause you deserve it.

-Hey, shopkeep.
-Yeah.

Okay. All right.
I need your help.

I'm in a bit of a sticky wicket.

- Okay.
- Um,

today is my girl's
21st birthday, right?

All I know is pretty much
she's into, I don't know,

artsy, weird movies and really
stupid, depressing indie music.

To be honest, she's pretty mid.

Um, basically,
I need to get her something,

and I need it to look expensive
and big, but be cheap as shit.

You get what I mean?
Any events going on in town?

Well,
I just happen to know about

a little exclusive
desert music festival,

and I happen to have
some tickets for the event.

You know, I only have 100 bucks,

and half of that's going to gas,
lambskin rubbers, and burgers.

Well, in that case,
I have a special deal for you.

$50, your phone number,
and you'll get six tickets

to the music festival
event of the year.

Who's playing?

Uh, word on the street is

Dr. Beef Curtis is
doing a rare performance.

Oh, you mean Dr. Ass,
that fucking asshole

who mooned the entire
baseball stadium, right?

Oh, it's gonna be lit. Fuck!

Excuse me.

I should bring
my main girl to that show.

Fuck it. Okay, sold.

All right.

Do you take crypto?

Yeah.

Thank you very much. Make it out
to the shop, all right?

-Okay, great. Thanks.
-Great!

What a strong,
vibracious bird you are.

Drink up
and become strong like ox.

I like your style.

Oh, sir. Sir.

Is everything cool?

You know, I hate to barge in
like this, but--

Theo.

Lunch is my special bird time.

-You know that!
-Yes. Yes, sir.

We-- we got a real
nightmare scenario.

Uh, we-- You know our secret
D-U-M-P missions, right?

Well, we lost another truck.

Now, we found it with
our GPS tracking system,

but we've lost complete contact
with Kenny and Romero,

two of our best guys.

And right now, sir, in fact,

this is the third group
this month that we've lost.

People are starting
to ask questions.

Shit, you mean our trucks

are exposed
to the elements out there?

You know, my family's been
dumping on those desert roads

for 70 years.

And if someone's
able to track it back

to this company,
we're all fucked.

Sir, don't you worry your pretty
little head. You know why?

'Cause you see this guy
standing right here?

This guy right here, me.
I'm gonna go out there,

I'm gonna get the company truck,

and I'm gonna drive
right back to our garage.

Does that sound good?
In fact, you know,

the last time
I drove that truck,

I left my bus pass in there.

Oh, you're not gonna tell
anybody I don't have a license?

Stop speaking, please, please.

I'm gonna have Janine pick two
useful idiots from the company

to go out there
and bring that thing back.

I mean...

Caesar and Romero
were good dudes.

Kenny.

-What?
-Kenny. Kenny, Kenny and Romero.

-Oh, okay.
-Caesar's the janitor, sir.

-He is. Well, he's a good dude.
-He is a good dude.

I can't even remember
what those guys look like.

But he is a good dude.

Man, he takes good care of me.

Yeah, really good.

All right, get out of here.

-All right, sorry, sir.
-Get the fuck outta here.

J?

Janine?

Janine!

Pick up the phone!

Oh, okay.

Hey, hey.

Nice of you to show up late

to your own girlfriend's
birthday party.

Yeah, look what
the cat dragged in.

Busy spinning plates
while your mother's out again?

Yeah, something like that.
You know, you girls might find

some more action
over on the corner.

It looked pretty busy. I don't
really give a shit, though.

Is, um... birthday girl,
is she inside?

-Yeah, no shit.
-Okay, cool, thanks.

-Fucking asshole.
-Yep.

Scott, why are you so late?
You missed the cake.

-The clown!
-Hey,

the only clown in this house
is your boyfriend here.

He's a real wasteman.

Wasteman? Really? Really?

You visit Abbey Road,
and you think you're a Brit?

Okay, the term is loser!

Oh! Oh!

Okay, so I'm a capital L Loser.
This? What-- What's this?

Okay, if I was such a big
fucking loser,

how would I have managed
to score six

of the hottest tickets in town?

Oh my God, did you finally
get me tickets to go

swim with the dolphins?

Wait a minute, you're not
swimming with the dolphins.

Those dumb, slimy beasts
are dangerous.

Plus, those things are perverts.

They only think
with their blowhole.

Okay, yeah, whatever is right.
Uh, just hear me out, okay?

There's a very exclusive,
very lit music festival

that takes place
out in the middle

of the Nevada desert, okay?

Listen, babe, they barely
even made these tickets

available to the public.

You either have to know someone

or be someone to get 'em,
and I am someone.

That's awesome,
who's the headliner?

Uh, yeah, I mean, I don't really
have all the details yet,

but I did get the 411
on one performer.

Wait for it.

Dr. Beef Curtis.

Yes! No way!

Who the fuck
is Dr. Beef Curtain?

Uh, I don't know, old timer,
why don't you educate yourself?

Dr. Beef Curtis
is a musical legend, all right?

He blew the hell up last year

with his smash hit single,
"Cut Up and Show My Behind."

It's about his time working in
the fast food industry, right?

And one day he just
had it up to here

with his shitty drive-thru job.

So what does he do?

He drops trou,
and he moons his boss.

He moons his co-workers.

He even moons some customers,
and you know what,

it makes for one damn good
hell of a song.

A billion and a half
streams don't lie.

Babe, you outdid yourself
this time.

-Hey.
-You know how much I love music.

And festivals!

Hey, we're gonna cut, cut up,
and show our behinds.

Cut up and show our behinds.

Hey, oh, by the way, Leo,
I almost completely forgot.

Stupid me. Uh,

I'm gonna need to borrow
your bedroom tonight, I think,

because on my last sleepover,

I accidentally broke
your daughter's bed,

and her back. Ooh! Oh!

You might be kissing her now,

but who do you think
taught her how?

Oh, okay, that's disturbing.

Um, all right, uh, if I have
blessed any of you

with a ticket to this
illustrious event,

uh, it's time to hit the hay,

because this guy
needs his beauty sleep.

So, chop, chop. Off to bed.

Let's go.

Good night, Leo.
Good night.

He should hibernate.

I'm a little concerned
about Parker,

the way he talks to that
plastic bird in there.

Can you hear him?

Absolutely, yeah,
like a nut cake.

I think he thinks it's real.

-He does.
-He does!

He thinks it's alive.

Bill D.! Peter G.!

Mr. Parker needs to see you
in his office immediately.

Listen, Janine, if it's about me
using Parker's VIP restroom,

listen, please go and tell him
I'm incredibly sorry.

The boys' room,
all the stalls were occupied,

and I had to go so bad
it was literally coming out,

and I did not want to go
in the women's room,

and you remember
what happened last time.

Smart decision,
that would've been

a human resources nightmare.

And that's why I didn't do it.

-What are you laughing at?
-You.

You and your--
your toilet troubles.

-I had to go!
-I know.

If I had to go--
if I had to go that bad,

I would just go out back.

I would dig a hole.

It's something I learned
as a youngling,

-when I lived up on the hill.
-Oh?

-Yeah, you just--
-What are you two creeps

still doing yammering on?

Get your cheeks in motion.

Mr. Parker doesn't have all day.

- All right.
- Let's go.

-Get up. Get up.
-What kind of hole?

- Get up. Go.
- How deep is the hole?

- Let's go.
- Is it deep?

- Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.
- Hey, Janine,

what happened to our
dinner plans last week?

-We were--
-Not now!

Well, remember
that steak challenge?

Please don't make me go to HR.

You know, sometimes it feels
like Mr. Parker just can't lose.

Yeah, Mr. Parker, the true MVP!

You know, I heard he craps
golden gilded turds.

That's just an old wives' tale.

I once snuck into the VIP
restroom after Mr. Parker.

He left some moose droppings
to mellow.

I took one of the turds over
to the sink and washed it off.

Come to realize it's just
typical brown human waste.

Ah! Nice ear massage.

I'm sure glad you boys
are going on this mission.

Mission? I'd rather go fishing.

Hey, ow, ow!

Nice work, Janine.

Shut the door on your way out.

I don't want any of the weirdos
spying on us here.

Sir, are we in trouble?

Nothing like that, sport.

I need to send you guys
on a secret quest.

But sir, I've already succeeded
at the ultimate quest.

That's disgusting.

No, let me rephrase that.

It's a secret mission
to retrieve company property.

Valuable company property.

Oh, oh! Sir, I'm--
I'm really sorry.

I know what this is about.

The VIP toilet paper.

I'm the culprit. I used it.

You stole my goddamn
toilet paper?

- Are you kidding me?
- I'm sorry!

My mom, she buys
the cheap stuff,

and it-- and it breaks up
into my ass, sir.

I-- I have to use
the good stuff. I'm sorry.

I don't want to hear
about your mom.

All I know is I had to use
one ply yesterday.

It was like sandpaper.

I had to wash my hand
five times!

Can-- can-- can we just cut
to brass tacks here?

What is this mission?

One of our company trucks
with hazardous material

has been abandoned
in the desert dumping zone.

I need you guys to go out there,

retrieve the truck,
bring it back,

and clean up any mess
out there first.

And this?

This is a GPS with
all the coordinates

of where the truck is.

It's already programmed in here.

Just follow the dot.

Uh, this sounds too easy to me.
What's the catch?

The catch is you have
to clean up all the toxic waste,

and destroy all the evidence.

Okay? And then one of you has
to drive the truck back solo.

I was hoping
we could drive back together

and sing together, you know,

I like to sing
to the radio together.

Yeah, you're on thin ice.
Stop talking.

If you don't retrieve
the company property

and get it back here,
you're both terminated.

Okay?

-All right, now bugger off!
-All right, all right.

Jesus. Disgusting.

Oh, great, look,
we're in the middle of nowhere.

We're running on empty.
We love it.

All right, geniuses,
keep your eyes open

for a gas station, please.

I swear I saw one
about an hour back.

You're right, babe, it was even
attached to a taco shop.

You know how much I love tacos.

I can't believe you didn't wait
for Julia and Lena.

Uh, I waited for an hour
and a half.

Fuck 'em.
They can get a taxi, babe.

I don't know, like...

Oh! Crisis averted.
I knew things would work out.

Gas station straight ahead.

You know what?
Look at that.

For the first time in his life,
Dustin is right about something.

Gold star for you, buddy boy.

What the fuck's wrong
with this asshole?

Uh, hey, come on, dude.
You're fucking it up.

Oh, just relax, folks.

- He's harmless.
- He's fucking up

-my windshield even more!
-Uh, no, he--

he's not gonna hurt anybody,
he's just harmless.

He's got his own way of talking.
I'm gonna interpret for him.

You see, he's a very
affectionate fellow.

And groovy.

We don't get a lot
of company around here.

Oh, look who is coming in.

Look who we've got here.

Oh, some sweet young things.

Sweet 16, right?

Oh, what do you got under there?

Oh, yeah,

we don't get much company
like you down here.

No-- no, thank you.
Can you make him stop?

Oh, my goodness, he's droolin',
he really likes you.

You see?

Hey, listen.
Back off, you old perv.

She belongs to me.
Okay? Cut it out.

I'd like to tickle her
with my pickle.

You better watch
your mouth, okay?

All right. Suit yourself.

You got him excited now.

The world
is your oyster.

Hi, I'm Otis Brownstein,
your local gas guy.

Pleased to meet you.

Sounds like "brown stain."

I know. I was reminded
in high school all the time.

What's your name, my lady?

I'm Dawn.

Dawn, don't talk to that guy.
He's busted.

I'd like to see
the crack of Dawn.

- Dawn!
- Listen, old man.

Keep your pickle in your pants.
That girl belongs to me.

Take it easy.
I'm harmless down there anyway.

What exactly is it
that you need?

Uh, gas. Not grass.

Not ass. Just gas.

Okay.

Gas! Gas! Gas! Gas!

Gas! Gas!

Oops. I just sharted.

I got plenty of that.

Those toilet tacos
are killing me.

You ate five of 'em.

I just need gas
for the gas tank.

Oh, gas!

Why didn't you say so
in the first place?

Where are you kids headed to?

Gas! Gas! Gas! Gas! Gas!

We're going to a music festival
in the desert

for my sister's birthday.

Oh, how fun!

I heard about it through
the grapevine.

Damn, your gas tank
is slow, man.

We've still got another
two hours on the road.

I know a shortcut.

The secret special way.

Yeah. You see that trailer?

You turn right over there
on the dirt road.

You'll save 40 minutes.

You know, I appreciate it,
old-timer.

I really do, but I'm not sure
I trust your directions.

Suit yourself, then.

I've lived here
over a hundred years.

I know this area
like the palm of my hand.

Scott, wouldn't you
rather beat the traffic?

We can meet Dr. Ass
before he performs.

- Oh!
- Gas! Gas! Gas! Gas!

Maybe even see the digs
he drove there in.

Okay, old man, I'm listening.
Spit it out.

Um, like I said, um,

you drive to that, um,
fork in the road

where that trailer
and those cars are,

and turn right,
instead of going straight.

You'll save 40 minutes.

Uh, okay, guys,
get back in the car.

Let's go. Let's go.

Get in the car. Get in the car.
Get in the car.

Oh, yeah! Ta-ta!

-Ta-ta! Ta-ta!
-Bon voyage!

-Ta-ta! Ta-ta!
-Break your legs!

Ta-ta! Ta-ta!

-Oh!
-Ta-ta!

Ta-ta! Ta-ta!

Arrrrgh!

What a bunch of idiots.

Yes, they are!

They.

Let me show you
what we got.

- Oh, yeah!
- Wow.

I'd say we're pretty set
on the snack department here.

-Oh, okay.
-Oh, okay, there we go.

-Chippies.
-Oh.

And we got snack cakies here.

Including all the essentials.
Yeah. Yeah.

It's like a buffet of, uh,
junk food.

But the bag is leaking, Bill.
What's going on?

Oh, that's just
the chocolate syrup.

I put syrup over everything.

Oh, give it
a little seasoning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's gonna be delicious.

But, Bill, why are you
wearing a hard hat?

Oh, that's to stop
the moon rock.

If the moon rock comes down,
and tries to puncture my skull.

I always wear this
outside the office.

Well, Bill,
our mission is now beginning.

I'm psyched.
I'm so ready for this thing.

But we've got to call the boss.

-The boss.
-Got to call Parker.

The big P.
Got to let him know.

Got to let him know.

Parker?

Mr. Parker?

We are about to fly the coop.

The mission is now beginning.

Do you hear me?
The mission is beginning.

This makes daddy very happy.

You know, weren't we supposed
to do something here?

We were supposed
to go somewhere.

No.

We already met the weed man.

I had no other plans today.

Yeah, dude.
I'm right here.

Chilling with my besties
and my best customers.

No, let me think for a minute.

Fuck, we were
supposed to go meet Dawn.

Her boyfriend gave us
those concert tickets.

Oh, shit.

Hold on, let me check my phone.

Shit, you're right.

She texted us an hour ago.

Says Scott left without us.

Did I ever tell you
guys about the time

I was an amateur
race car driver?

Or that one time
I had a cameo as a villain

in Rancho: Origin
of a Hero Sandwich?

Dufrain, my mind
is about to explode.

Just sit down and shut up.

We don't even
have a ticket for him.

Don't worry.

I've never paid
for a single concert in my life.

Dufrain is a friend
to every living creature.

Animals, plants,
and of course humans.

All right, buckle up guys.

Get ready for hyperspeed.

How long until we get
to this rock and roll show?

Why are we driving so slow?

I'm too stoned
to drive fast.

GPS says
we're, like, two hours away.

Calm your, um, tits.

Mr. Parker,
have our men started

their super secret mission?

-Are they on the road yet?
-Shut up!

Oh my gosh, shut the door.

Shut the door,
shut the door, shut the door.

As far as everyone
knows, those two men

didn't even
show up for work today.

And if word
gets out to the company,

it's going to be on you.

And then I'm going
to have to send you

on a super secret mission.

Understood, sir.

Zip it, lock it,
put it in your pocket.

Bye.

Keep it on the down low.

Shut up!

Scott, you need to pay
attention to stuff like that.

I need to pay attention?

I mean, I'm getting
you guys there safely.

I can't move
mountains, you know?

Oh, that's a good one.

Come on, please
don't kill me, man.

I've got two wives
and a kid at home!

You're soon
to have two ex-wives

and a little
rat bastard running around.

Hey, you're
on the fast track to hell, man.

I just wanted to come
to the festival, man!

And rock and roll.

You like rock and roll?

Rock and roll, man.

Rock and roll.

Hey, I like rock and roll.

Okay, you stay there.

Don't you talk back to me.

I'll come to eat ya later.

Rock.

And roll.

Rock and roll.

Rock and roll.

Breaker, breaker.

6-9.

It's Poppa Bear.

Breaker, breaker.

6-9.

This here's Poppa Bear.

I might have
let a few undesirables

through the threshold,

but Poppa Bear
was slicing some meat.

Good news.

There's a rock and roll
concert near base camp.

Even better news.

We're going to be
eating for a long fucking time.

So, be ready.

Okay, Poppa.

Poppa has great news.

We have a concert
coming our way.

More meat on the menu.

Let's carve you up, baby.

Are you juicy enough yet?

This is only the first
position of the menu to come.

Just wait
'til I'm fucking broke free.

- I'll fucking kill you all!
- Shut up.

If you fucking touch
her, I'll fucking kill you.

Oh, yeah?

I'd eat you right now,

but the ink on your meat

makes the meat taste like shit.

The catch of the day.

Ugh, look at that painted
desert.

Ah, yes!

All right.
Tattoos, huh?

All right.

My mom said
I can't have any yet.

You should be-- You guys twins?

-Yep, he's um--
-Oh, good.

There you go.
By far, I'd say.

Excuse me.
Here we go.

You're good. Wristbands.

-Thank you.
-Yep, right this way.

Get the hell out of here.

We've got a lot
of people comin' in.

What the hell's
the matter with you guys?

-Hey, how are you?
-Good.

Right.

She's good.
You old enough to be here?

Take a wristband.
Get out of here.

Right this way, please.

- How are you?
- I'm good. How are you?

Good. Real good.
Turn around, please.

This isn't about me.

Here we go. Oh.

Here you go.

All right.
That way, please.

The festival
is now open.

No tickets.
No entry.

The show is all sold out.

This is total bullshit.

You mean to tell me they have
an event in our own backyard

and you can't
even buy tickets at the door?

It doesn't even look sold out.

Yeah, that's right, baby.
Yo, fuck the ops, all right?

We're getting
in this motherfucker.

Hide your kids.

Hide your fucking wives.

We should be VIPs
at this event.

We are VIPs, dude.

Very important penises.

Chernobog,
you're a filthy man.

Y'all, it's just to drum up
business and clout, okay?

They're making up fake hype,
so the influencers

will tell their little
followers that it's worth

going and double
their sales for next year.

I got an idea.

I'll distract
the ticket-taker,

while you guys
all sneak in past him.

What are you going to do?
Flash him on the way in?

Just like you did
to get free pretzels

at the Renaissance Festival?

Literally,
the king almost ordered

the knights "Off with her head."

Watch and see, boys.

She better not fuck this up.

I'll be shutting my eyes,
though.

Whatever,
Cherry Boggs, you asshat.

I'll be holding
my nutsack for you, babe.

Fancy seeing you here.

I seem to have forgotten
where I put my ticket.

I always seem
to forget something.

Sometimes I even forget
to wear my panties.

Wow.

You want me to check it for you?

I should have never said that.

I'm just stuck in my old ways.

Just a pickle, boy.

Where do you think
you last seen it?

Your underwear drawer?

Oh.

There it is.

Desert concert, see?

Great.
Enjoy the show.

Look, buddy, I'm not trying
to tell you how to do your job.

Four dudes
just snuck in when you were

hitting on that chick.

Is that so?

You know, in my profession,
snitches get stitches.

So I'd watch your back.

You know what?
Suit yourself.

I didn't know you were
gonna reward criminals

for breaking the law.

Eat my hole.

Get out of my face
before I call my fucking fixer

and I fuck up
your whole weekend.

You know what?
Take it easy, Pop.

Hit the fucking road,
Jack.

You're telling me you're
not going to do a sound check?

Where the Cali Bellends.

We don't need to rehearse.

Really?

Yes, and my guitar
is self-tuning.

A self-tuning guitar?

Do you guys
even know how to play?

Don't talk
to my husband that way.

He's in recovery
and he's working

on his image
and this could set him back.

He knows how to shred.

What have you
done to my clients, huh?

You're out of your fucking mind!

You hurt their feelings!

Oh, baby.

Baby, are you okay?

Are you okay?

They all met...

at a group home, as children.

I adopted them.

I am stage mommy.

Stage mommy?

-Yes!
-Group home?

What does that even mean?

It means,
I'm the fucking boss.

I need you.

You. You. You. Go.

Respect me!

Baby, you come, too.

You can go.

Oh, fuck you.

Fuck me? I fuck you.
I fuck you! I fuck you!

More like California Raisins.

Watch out, watch out.

Nice shades.

Is that a wig?

Are you coming?

Come here.

Oh, let's check out his nipples.

Ah!

Ah!

Oh, hell no.

You use me. Use me! Use me!

Oh, mommy lose it.

Lose it!

Ah!

Man, Murphy,
these rock star types

have every problem in the book.

-Mm-hmm.
-Leaked nudes.

Marital problems.

Substance abuse.

Man, the list goes on and on.

Unbelievable.

Well, you know Don,
you have your own vices.

You're addicted to hunting.

You collect those ridiculous
wrestling figures.

Stop right there.

Those figures are an investment.

I buy one
to rock and one to stock.

Well, I have this dream
that my little cousin comes

into your house with
pudding-covered hands,

tears open your figures
and starts playing with them.

That ought to ruin the value.

How could you say that

after we've been friends
for so many years?

I mean, ever
since Steve introduced us

on the school bus
back in, what, sixth grade?

No, that's not
how it happened at all.

It was with Paul Nada

in the school lunchroom.

Don't you remember?

Oh yeah, I remember.

He came
to the lunchroom with nada

in his lunchbox,
stole all of our table scraps

and made those disgusting
apple desserts.

Yeah, I remember.

He stole our rainbow
yogurt, cookies,

and barbecue chips
just to make that.

- Different time.
- Yeah.

You know, I still remember
that song.

Apple surprise!

It's so delicious!

Apple surprise!

Who the fuck knows what's in it?

That was awesome.

So, Jonathan, you're gonna take
care of all our little issues,

I don't have the time.

And where the hell
is Dr. Beef Curtains?

Without him here, everybody's
gonna ask for refunds.

Right away, madame.

Oh, Jesus fucking
Christ almighty.

Alright everybody, get
in the motherfucking mosh pit.

Give it up for my main man,
Dr. Beef Curtis.

And on the beat,
Stormy Weathers.

Dr. Ass doesn't need any

professional producers
or samples.

All he need
is my beatboxing talent.

Check it.

Hello world,
my name is Dr. Curtis.

My friends call me Dr. Ass.

Here's a song for your ass.

Word up.

I-- I just--
I can't do this.

-I just can't do this.
-Come on.

Come on.
I can't do this.

-Doc, you'll make some money.
-I can't do this.

I thought I heard they sold
at least 2,000 tickets.

If not, we're not going
to make shit as a profit.

What about the 500 t-shirts
I printed

in my garage
with no ventilation?

I got so high off the fumes,

I don't even know
where I am right now.

-Nah.
-Do you?

Do you?

I can't do this.
I can't do this.

Hey, um, Peter?

Yeah?

This has been the, uh,
best quest of my life.

And, uh, I don't have
many friends, you know.

And questing with you is...

It's... It's really made up
for all those...

All those wedgies and melvins
over the years.

And if it was to all end now,
and I were to die here,

I would...

I would die a happy man.

Bill, do you, um...

Do you have any kids?
Are you married?

Bill, uh...

I'm sorry if that was
a sore subject.

Bill?

Did you get hit by a moon rock?

What the hell
was that noise, Bill?

You're coming on to me,

and now you want me to see it.

That's what it is?

You trying to show it
to me, Bill?

You little wiener?

Bill?

Bill, what are you doing?

Bill, your dick is out.

Your dick is out.

Put your dick away.

What are you doing?

Bill, what is that in your head?

Bill, what did you do?
Raid the Halloween shop?

Oh, you can do special effects?

Oh, you had a secret talent?

This isn't funny, Bill.

This is not funny.

What are you doing?
Put it away!

Yeah, Bill, very, very funny.

Get me out here, start saying

you like me, or whatever
the hell you're saying.

Now pranking me.

Bill, it's not funny anymore.

You all right?

Bill, are you all right?

Parker?

Parker, can you hear me?

Parker, Bill,
this fucking thing.

It shoved something
in Bill's head, and he's dead.

He's fucking dead,
Parker. Parker!

Parker, can you hear me?

-Parker?
-Damn!

Oh, my. Ugh!

Why did the network want us
to cover this event?

This place is a fucking dump.

There's absolutely
no content here.

You've always got a thorn

in your side about something.
You know,

you just got to be happy
that the check even cleared.

Look, don't worry, guys.

Other than
the network footage,

I'll just vlog the whole event,
all right?

I have 10,000 subscribers.

I'm a real Chancey Billups.

Isn't that that guy that
makes those shopping videos?

Didn't he make some
trashy Bigfoot movie?

What are you guys doing?

Standing around like you're

some kind
of fucking water cooler.

I paid your network big money

to cover my entire event,

from beginning to end,

and the show is about to start.

Yes, we're about to start,

and you're just
standing around.

We paid your network good money.

Jonathan, how many times
have I told you

not to repeat what I say?

Cretinous bonehead!

Ma'am, we were just
looking for you,

and all we have to do
is charge the camera.

No reason to scold us.

Whatever you say, dearie.

Oh, fuck!

Fucking tire, are you kidding?

Fuck me.

Oh, okay.

All right.

Go fix the fucking tire.

Come on, let's go.

-All right.
-Some guy time?

-Yeah, guy time.
-Nice, bro.

Okay, cool. Where's the
fucking tire, Dustin?

Oh, that's what that was for.

I-- I'm sorry, Scott.

I had to toss it to make room
for the girls' luggage.

-It couldn't all fit.
-Okay, take a look.

Do you see any luggage in there?

Where's the fucking luggage?

I knew I forgot something.

Boy, she's gonna be mad.

Okay, how have you survived
this long on this planet?

Oh, my mom's really helpful.

- Jesus.
- Oh, he's good, too.

Walk away.

-Should I just...
-Go!

Hey, Scott, can we
drive on the rims?

Out of my way.

Um, no, we can't.

Uh, it looks like
we're gonna be taking

the shoe leather express,
so everyone out of the car.

What, we're walking
to the concert?

I don't have the right
shoes for this.

You fucking idiot, we're going
back to the gas station.

I'm gonna beat the shit
out of that moron attendant.

And...yeah, let's go.

Start hoofing it.

-Ugh.
-Come on.

-Shut my door, please.
-Okay.

Thank you.

Well, the boys blew it.

Now it's your turn.

Does that mean you consider me
expendable, sir?

Absolutely not.

No one else can make
my bird soup.

Okay, your mission,
that that tracking device

that Theo is fondling,
find the truck, and blow it up.

That's right. All you need to do

is you take this device
and attach it

to anything you want gone.

And believe me, it'll blow it
to smithereens.

So that's the--
that's the bomb.

This is the control trigger
right there.

Just push that button
when you're ready.

Is this more of your
Get Dumb spy catalog equipment?

Hey, don't worry about that.

Just make sure
there's no survivors.

Why'd you pick me
for this mission?

Why not Theo?

Theo, look at him.

Oh, my God.

It looks like he modeled
turtlenecks in the '70s.

I blush, sir.

That's not a compliment.

You leave at dawn's light.

If I go tomorrow, I must bring
my son along with me.

It's my week to watch him.

That's fine, as long as you
complete the mission.

Can I go?

'Cause I--
I love adventures, sir.

Yeah, you shouldn't be
around children.

All right, go.
Let's do this. Team!

All right, you know what?

This was a really,
really bad idea.

This road leads to nowhere,
and you dumb fucks

were all so sure that
this was the way to Dr. Ass.

Now, we're probably all
going to become vulture food.

I hope you're all
real fucking happy.

It's better than punching
an innocent old man in the face.

It's kind of
peaceful out here.

Okay, you know what?
That's it.

I've had enough of this shit.

We've been walking in
the same direction

for another hour and a half,
and I see nothing.

I hear nothing.

That old fuck Otis
back at the gas station

gave us really bad directions.
I think it was on purpose.

I'm going to go back
and kill him.

And you know what?
After that, we're done.

It's not working out.

I'm going to go back
to my main bitch.

What?

You remember
that old fart's name,

but you don't remember
my birthday?

Instead, you get us these lame,
cheap tickets, and this?

This is all your fault.

You have no one to blame
but yourself.

Wow.

Well, I certainly know
when I'm not needed.

So you know what?

You dipshits can have fun
walking in that direction

until the end of time,
for all I care.

But you know what?
Big Dick Energy right here?

He's out.

So, have a great life.

Have fun at the show.

Whatever, Scott.
Whatever.

Yeah, why don't you ask your
buddy Jesus for directions?

How about that, Dustin?
Take care.

More like slightly
above average Dick Energy.

Dick.

Get your custom
one of one t-shirt designs.

Screen printed with
industry standard ink.

And the cleverest of slogans.

We have it all.
"I'm with stupid."

"Skate fast, eat ass."

Put it on a tee
for ten dollars only.

I'm just not sure. Ten bucks
is a lot of lettuce.

Are your t-shirts
decent quality?

Of course.
My tees are S-tier quality.

I ship in blanks
from the Dominican Republic.

Cost me 40 cents wholesale.

Well, I guess I'll take
one size large,

"I'm with stupid,"
and a selfie on a shirt.

How should I get my photo
to you to print it?

Oh, no problem.

Just hand over your phone to me

and come up
at the end of the day

to pick up
your new favorite tee.

Oh, I can't pass up
on this opportunity.

Now listen, little lady.

I'm not gonna give you
another warning.

Stop fidgeting in your seat.

I need you
to be completely still

to get the proportions correct.

Sorry. I had too much
candy for breakfast.

Again, this festival has,
like, no healthy options.

That's not my fault.

I start every day with

a healthy wartime breakfast
of unsweetened grapefruit

and a tall black coffee.

It does the body and the bowels
good, if you know what I mean.

Ew. That sounds like
prison food.

And honestly, that also
sounds like

a better way
to lose your bowels.

Step right up.
Isn't it a beautiful sight?

Just like my mini Zen garden
at my home,

or my perfectly pruned
bonsai trees.

Check out all my colorful sands.

Did you know?

Sand has been in existence
since the dawn of time.

You working hard
or hardly working?

It's just you, balloon man.

I can say the same to you.

You still huffing on those
balloons for your breaks?

No, I quit that days ago.

Is your wife still bone-dust dry
in your wacky sand,

or did she finally run out?

Keep your voice down.
Feds could be watching.

I don't want to have
to change my identities again.

So. All right, Tex.

What do you want me
to paint on your face?

Do you want one
of these stencils?

Do you want a shape like
a circle, square, a star?

Star is my favorite.

I guess if I had to choose one,
I'd pick a square.

From my years as
a square dancing champion,

back in my salad days.

Okay.

Alright, country guy.

I knew you were green acres.

Finally!

Sweet freedom!

I need to stretch my legs
like nobody's business.

Yeah, I've got a charley horse

from my knees
straight up to my gooch.

I hope I don't have
testicular torsion

from sitting so long.

Uh, ladies.

A little help over here.

Sometimes my inner thigh

doesn't keep up with
my gluteal group.

Who might you be?

I'm Norman.
I'm a rock star.

Lead singer of
The Cali Bellends.

Isn't Bellends
another word for...

Well hey, how about
you two join us.

You know, in my band's trailer,

I just picked up
this other lot lizard.

You know,
but the more the merrier.

What the fuck
is a lot lizard?

The only reason why I agreed
to hang out

with you and your old
ass band is for the drugs.

How hard do you party?

Not as hard as back in the '80s,
but we party pretty damn hard.

No, she's talking
about party favors, man.

Oh, we got that covered.

We've got streamers and
birthday cake and goodie bags.

You name it.

You know,
I thought this was going to be

an easy, fun quest.

Not some
whole big thing like this.

I'm not a quest type.

It's that fucking Sackhead guy.

That stupid Sackhead
killed my best friend.

Then, he tried to get me.
You know what I did?

I threw food in his
fucking face.

Sackhead. I-- I thought it must
have been some real ug-mug

putting something
on his head like that.

You know, I don't--
I don't look that great,

but I don't-- I don't
put a sack on my head.

So, this guy's killing people
because he's an ugly fuck.

Follow the dot.
Follow the dot.

I don't know where
the fucking dot's going.

Is it going this way?

Or is it going this way?
I just see a dot.

I don't know
which way the dot goes.

I see a dot like this, but it
could be going any fucking way.

So, this doesn't--
shouldn't mean anything.

It's just a fuck--

The fuck is that,
a tumbleweed?

Tumbleweed's stuck
to the fucking ground.

The fuck? I thought
these things blew away.

These aren't going anywhere.
Tumbleweeds, my ass.

Hey, Star,
easy on the hair system.

But it just feels so fake.

I can't believe we're in
a real band's trailer.

Huge W for us.

Yeah, but where's Dawn
and everyone else?

No one's texted me back.

Don't worry
your pretty little heads.

Kids don't check
their phones these days.

Kids? Do you kids need
some help with your homework?

I'm quite the math wizard.

Ah! Kids!
There's that word again!

I'm a man!

Okay, there's a band in here.

This is what people want to see.

Welcome! Come on in.
Don't mind the smell.

We haven't been near a washing
machine in quite some time.

And ignore the rubbish
and the newspapers piling up.

-We have a pet rabbit.
-Oh, nice.

Can we just sit anywhere?

Wherever you like.
You know, we love the media.

Perfect.

Don't fuck this up.

Can you believe Scott left us?

It was my birthday weekend

and he left me
in the middle of the desert?

My parents were right.
He was just using me.

Just forget Scott.

Let's just try to focus
on getting to this concert.

Guys, check out
this old ghost town.

We must be close to
civilization.

Stupid Scott.
He left too soon.

Excuse me.

What?

Dustin?
Where the hell did you go?

Oh, my God, if you're playing
hide and seek right now,

this isn't the time.

I'm scared.

I hope he's okay!

Hello?

- Dustin.
- Where am I?

I'm so ashamed of you.

You didn't show up for
a therapy session again.

You pull this one more time
and I'm no longer your doctor.

Dates and schedules are
all part of being an adult.

Hey, hello Dustin.

Any response?
Hey, what's going on?

Hey, are you my doctor?

Yes. Time for surgery.

Oh no.
Doctor, you're inside me.

Wait. That's what--
that's what she said.

Hey, hello Dustin.
Any response?

Hey, what's going on?
Are you avoiding me Dustin?

One more of these Dustin, I'm
gonna drop you as a client.

Fucking stupid bitch back there.

I don't need them.
They do need me though.

What are you going to do?

Where the fuck am I?

Hey, baby.

Do you want to come in my bush?

What the fuck?
Who the fuck is this?

I got my limbs spread

wide open for you.

If it's fucking Dustin,
I will fucking murder you.

Why don't you come over

and show me what you got?

Where are you?

Just come follow my voice.

I got a nice,
sweet surprise for you.

All right.

Let's get that tea bag

in some hot water, baby.

Right out here?

Right here.

Let's see what you got.

Fuck it.

All right. This is
an interesting night.

Ooh, this is tasty.

Oh, hey. Careful.

Come on, careful, careful.

Hey, take it easy. Fuck!

What was that?

I don't know.

Come on, let's go inside.

I'm pretty sure that was Scott.

It sounded like he was in pain.

Yeah, but we're obviously
not alone.

So, first Dustin goes
missing, now Scott?

We just need to hide out
here until morning.

What if this is one of
Scott's elaborate pranks?

God, what if it's not?

We'd be in serious
fucking danger.

Either way,
I'm glad we have each other.

Imagine being out here alone.

Where'd those bitches go?

We got the last two dicks.

I can smell the other
two queefing in the desert.

I can't wait to eat them.

No. Poppa said
we must keep the girls alive.

Woo!

Hey, stage mommy, over here.

I got something for you.

Don't talk to her like that.

That's disrespectful. Stop it.

- Oh! A whole dollar!
- Chaney, stop it.

Right now!

-Stop it.
-So rude.

Can I get a slap next?

Oh, I've had enough of you.

Oh, my fucking God.

This is gold.

Keep filming, come on.

Hey, Meg. I have one request.

You have to be careful.
You've got all my children.

You have to do whatever
you can

to put them all in
a beautiful, positive

beautiful light.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yes.

We're gonna
make everyone look great.

-Mommy.
-What?

Might I please
have some more drugs?

Move yourself.

Can I please have
some more drugs, Mommy?

Watch your head, Mommy.

Watch your head, Mommy.

They're laughing.
This bitch is laughing.

I'm laughing
'cause you're a joke.

Calling all aliens, Martians,

and Anunnaki humanoids
from Planet X.

Show yourself.

Come to me
and use my body as a vessel

for your ancient teachings.

Speak through me.

Y'all out here looking for
the same thing I'm looking for?

If it's big, hairy
and smells of ass,

then we're on the same page.

My followers,

it appears that an alien being

has taken control over
this man's body and soul.

Uh, no.

Oh, my precious star child,

you bear proof
that mind control is real.

That sounds like trepanation.

You know, the ancient art
of drilling a hole

through your skull so that
it can awaken the third eye.

I saw that in a movie once about
a mathematician who...

who loves to eat pie.

Pies? I'm personally impartial
to old fashioned cherry pie.

But I've tried Key Lime pie

when I was in the Keys
a few years back.

Quite frankly,
the most best pie ever.

Rhubarb. Rhubarb pie
is where it's at.

People, people, people.

Quit thinking with your stomachs

and get your heads
back in the game.

This is an alien hunting
and information gathering event,

not a damn bake-off.

Is there anybody else
who wishes to join us tonight?

Followers, we have visitors.

And they're ugly.

And they smell bad.

And they're mean!

Junior, can you help me out
just this once?

Please stop unloading everything
I just put in the vehicle.

Can you help me out
just this once?

Do you want to have
a frickin' black eye?

Cut it out!

This is very important
to my boss.

If I fail, I could get fired!

Fuck you, Mom.
You're a motherfucker.

You could say I'm a rebel.

You could say
I'm bad to the bone.

Get in the car.
Get in the car!

Put me down you fucking bitch!

Put me down, you bitch!

Get in there.
Get in there right now.

- Fuck you!
- Get in there..

Get in there before
I shut the door on you.

- Fuck you!
- Get in there.

Junior.

Help, help!

This bitch
is kidnapping me! Help!

Help! Help! Help!

Thanks a lot. Enjoy the show.

Check in over there.

I gotta scan it. Nice shirt.

Oh, I don't know.
Someone just threw it at me.

I don't need
your life story, pal.

Just getting you scanned in.

Good. Fuck off.

Wow. Look at
this fucking beauty.

Looks right up your alley.

No, don't fuck with me,
I'll fuck you up.

Bot in the mood.

Greetings and salutations,
young man.

That's my ticket for
this fine establishment.

Oh, I'm so glad
you made it here safely.

But you know
this is a rock concert,

not the 1964 World's Fair.

Just for that comment,
you don't get any cookies.

And you don't flip your lid,

because I really don't want
one of your cookies.

That man is all show and no go.

What a boob.

Edgar,
this fucking thing doesn't work.

Okay, so far
we have filmed inside

some trashy rock band trailer.
We have no footage.

Nothing.

I hope today goes better.

Guys, I don't
really like it in here.

It's kind of creepy.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

That was a great band interview.

Dude, I love their hit song,
"Berries and Cream".

-Hi, guys.
-Ah!

-Fuck!
-I'm Nathan with the Fun Police.

Why do you look so down?

Well, um, Nathan,

first of all,
you scared the shit out of us.

And second, our network

is making us cover
this shitty event.

So, sorry that we are not
very happy right now.

You know what?
I can help with that.

I've entertained thousands,
from eight to 80.

I started off at a pizza parlor
in Florida back in the '90s.

Um, Fun Police, is it?

I'm sure your life story

is not going to make me
any happier.

Sounds kind of sad.

And now I'm getting
kind of a headache.

Could you just... go?

Pssht.

Thank you.

Thank you!

Have a good day!

He was pumping that thing,

it sounded like
a goddamn heartbeat.

You know what? That was creepy.

-Don't be gross.
-Weird.

Creepy as fuck.

Man, this trailer is weak.

Protective Soul
had two microwaves

and a full-size refrigerator.

This trailer doesn't even
have a television.

Baby, I wanna...

go all the way. All the way in.

You fucking slut!

That's my man
you're getting freaky with!

You'll fuck
any old aging rock star!

This is my eighth time coming

Listen, you don't understand.

I get very,
very lonely on the road.

I fuck your husband.

Keep me company.

I'm really jealous of you!

You know,
when him wearing the wig?

He's a really stud.

You motherfucker.
You can't even come.

- Stop! Stop it--
- Oh, her?

She's a fucking whore.

Whore. Whore.

How could you? How could you?

You can't come.

What's up, my dudes?

It is your favorite mosh pit
reporter, Meg Otto,

and we are about to get comfy
with the streamer,

rapper, and singer,
Dr. Beef Curtis.

Not yet! Not yet.

Dr. Asshole
is nowhere to be found!

I'll tell you when to go live.

Okay, don't touch the lens.
What do you mean?

There's thousands
of people watching!

Oh, my God.
I have found the truck.

Right to voicemail?

You send me out on a mission,

a secret mission to find
a truck!

I found the goddamn truck,
Parker!

Pick up the goddamn phone!
You know what?

I'm gonna find someone
with another phone,

and I'm gonna call you,
and you're gonna pick it up

and tell me what the fuck to do!

I don't get
why you're not picking up!

You know what I'm gonna find..

...Depend on,

and I'm gonna find someone
who has a goddamn phone

and Parker's gonna talk to
my goddamn ass,

and I'm gonna know what to do!

Oh, thank God
the keys are here!

Oh, thank God!

Wesley, I don't know why you're
acting like a hundred years old.

This is a rock concert,
not an opera.

This was your idea.

I love Cali Bellends, but...

I'd really rather be home with
a nice, warm cardigan

curled up in front of the fire,
with a good book.

Really not
helping your case any.

Boy, Rico, I sure am glad
our relationship

is still as fiery
as the day we met.

You remember the time
the dolphin tried to get busy

with the trainer
at the Ocean World Exhibit?

Please butt out
of our conversation.

This is between me
and my husband here.

Now Wesley, hurry up
and pick out a cookie flavor.

We got three different
flavor cookies out here.

We got chocolate chip, oatmeal.

Uh, I'll have
the chocolate chip.

It seems to be the most mild.

I don't want to get
the runs or anything.

Well, I'm feeling
a little bit adventurous.

Well, we'll see about that.

I'm young, I'm dumb,
and I'm full of, you know what.

What's your problem, bud?

You don't talk to ladies like
that, especially not my wife.

I'll come over this counter,

slap you in a cross face
chicken wing, rip your nut sack.

Whoa, Wesley,
I didn't know you had it in ya.

- The bitch is back, babe.
- Ooh.

Yeah, motherfucker,
what Wesley said.

Get me and my girl two Reaper
cookies, and make that snappy.

Cookies. Free cookies.

Anybody want free cookies?

They taste really good.

Free cookies.

-Free cookies, come on.
-Hey, I'll take one.

-Thanks.
-You're welcome.

Stupid fool.

Cookies.
Free cookies.

Man, I feel kind
of famished over here.

Looks like they're giving
out free cookies over there.

Doctor Ass is too famous
for walking in the crowd.

Go grab me a dozen
of those cookies.

I might have 1.5 in the bank,

but free is free.
You feel me?

They taste mighty good.

They'll make you feel good, too.

Hey, come on.
Free cookies.

Everybody wants a cookie.

Guess who secured
the cookie dough, homies?

Yeah.

Mm! These are great.

Wow!

Starting to feel
a little good though, too.

Tastes good,
but I'm feeling good as well.

-Feeling like I'm on cloud nine.
-I feel it.

Feeling like I'm floating
with the stars up in here.

I'm feeling it.
I'm feeling the same way.

Hey, hey, hey,
I need your tickets.

Where you guys going?

Stop.

Gotta get your tickets.

I don't know who
you fucking cretins are,

but you're not getting by me
without a fucking ticket.

And this is not
a fucking Halloween festival.

What is it with
these fucking costumes?

These fucking guys, they're
fucking creeping me out, man.

You're giving me
fucking nightmare.

Oh, you fucking bit--

One in the stink.

You bit my finger off!

You fucking dickhead
motherfucker.

Cocksuckers!

Fucking piece of shit.

Hey, hey, he's choking.

Get that finger out of
his asshole.

If you would have listened
to me last time.

Hey! What are you doing!

Come on.
I smell some fresh meat.

-Let's get out of here.
-Now!

Stop that.
Junior, what are you doing?

Cut it out, Junior.

You are driving me nuts.
Junior, cut it out.

Sit back, Junior.

What even is this place?

I think this device
is faulty, Junior.

You need to stay in the car.
This is not a place for kids.

But, madre, over there,
there's some kid.

And he's probably my age, too.

So, fuck off!

You little shit, Junior.
Get back here!

Or you're not going to make it

to the seventh-grade
spring fling.

Cali Bell! Cali Bell!

Hey, guys. It's Meg Otto

with one of the biggest
fans of Cali Bellends.

Wesley, so what do
the Bellends mean to you?

Uh, this band means
everything to me.

I've been spinning their record
since I lost my V-card.

Okay, uh, that is TMI, my dude.

I'm so glad
you got to see them, though.

Alright, so...

Yeah, well, that was
a few months ago, but...

Give me that mic!

No one cares to hear about
this weirdo's life story!

Hey, everybody watching,

it's Missy,
and I like to get busy!

Whoo!
And I want to be your next idol!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I need that microphone
back, please.

-Fuck this.
-No, no, where are you going?

Hey, come on, we need you!

Not this again.

Missy,
like I've always told you,

your singing voice
is grotesque!

That fucking bitch.

One time,
one time I can be famous...

...on MTV, talking about
my favorite band, a band I love.

If she wasn't a woman, I'd
have knocked her the fuck out.

God!

What the fuck are
you looking at?

I'll put you in a half-quarter
melvin, motherfucker.

You starting to piss me off,

you douchey-looking
Colonel Sanders!

Ah!

I don't get it.

Parker sends me on
a super-secret mission.

He ignores my calls.
He won't pick up.

And then some fucking thing
kills my very best friend.

My brand-new best friend,
and he kills him!

So now I guess I'm at some
random fucking bullshit concert,

and I guess
I'm gonna be rocking now.

What the fuck else am I supposed
to do except for fucking rock?

Parker won't pick up
the goddamn phone,

so I'm a fucking
rock-and-roll fiend now,

for fuck's sake!

Sack tap!

Sack tap!

Hey ladies,
I'm from the panty police.

I'm here to collect.
Are you holding?

Sorry,
I don't wear panties.

Oh no, my mom told me
not to talk to twats.

Hey, ladies, watch this.

Sack tap!

Dumb-ass kid.
The balls are up here.

Hey, ladies, head tap!

There's so much fighting
in the world of rock.

Can't we all just get along?

I wish The Peach
were here right now.

He always knew just
the right thing to say.

I always thought ted
brings me good luck.

So I made a hundred of them.

I changed every day,
but it did not.

I want some good life advice

because the rock-and-roll world
just so stressful.

You know why I'm so sad?

You know why?

Because after this tour,

I retire as their stage mommy.

But I love them.
I love them so much.

I love them.

-That's okay.
-It's okay?

You think it's okay? Huh?

-Okay.
-You'll be all right.

Okay. Blessing to them.

I love them.
They're my children.

They're my children.
I'm their mommy.

I'm hungry now.

Sorry.

-You think I'm crazy?
-No, no, no.

-No.
-No, thank you.

No, thanks.

Hey, stage mommy.
Here's your poppa!

I love sushi and silicon.

Junior,
where the fuck are you?

Fucking, fucking kids
never fucking listen.

Junior! Junior,
get here right now!

What the fuck is this shit?

Ah!

What the fuck, lady?

I'm fixing to sue you
for everything you've got.

I'm so sorry.
Have you seen Junior?

Get the fuck off!
Fucking asshole.

Why'd you do that?

They're not real,
but they're really expensive.

Hey, asshole. First of all,
you don't have a ticket.

Second of all,
you fucked up her titty.

I'm gonna fuck you up,
shitface.

Ooh, titty.

Fuck. I'm fucking done.

Done. I'm gonna call them,
and I'm gonna quit.

I'm fucking over this.

He ate my dick and balls.

What?

He ate my dick and balls.

Help!

Somebody help!

Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God.

I got you, I got you.

So fucking gross.

Fuck, fuck.

Is it ruined?

Yeah, it's pretty bad.

He said,
"I ate his dick and balls."

And goddamn,
were they juicy and tasty.

Is this thing on?

Hello? Test?
Are you hard of hearing?

You got shit in your ears?

Let me introduce myself.

My name is Poppa,
and I'm pleased to eat you.

No, I'm pleased to meet you.

Oh, fuck, I'm gonna do both.

Come here, cunt.

Choke on that shit, reporter.

They never made it
to prime time.

Well, here you go.

Ah!

Ooh, that's not gluten-free.

Mm. Mm.

Hey, Star,
how about you get out there?

And warm up the crowd, you know.

What do you think?

All right, love.

Who's ready to rock?

Who's ready for
the Cali Bellends?

Oy, you're the techie here,
right? You're the technician?

-Yeah, that's me.
-All right.

What the fuck is this shit?

It's a cassette tape.

What, are you born yesterday?

Yeah, but I don't even know if

I can actually play
the cassette tape.

Well, mate, you're gonna
have to figure it out.

You've got one fucking job here.

We've been lip-syncing
since the '80s, all right?

And nobody's to know.

Mum's the word. You know?

Got it? Don't be a wanker.

You make it work.

Okay, do I have
to rewind this shit?

Make it work.

-Got it?
-All right.

-All right?
-All right.

-All right. All right?
-All right, I got it.

-All right?
-All right.

Yeah! Let's hear it
for my main squeeze, Star!

Oh, my.

Was that great or what?
Give it up to Star.

Did you guys see that her tits--

Oh, sorry, I'm not
supposed to say that word.

I got in trouble last time.

Oh, but was that great or what?

You guys are in for a treat.

This is the 15-year
reunion comeback show

of the Cali Bellends.
Are you ready for this?

All right, put your hands
together for the band.

Take it away, guy!

-All right.
-Yeah.

Ready?
One, two, three, four!

One, two, three.

...three, four, five.

Let's go! Rock 'n' roll!

What the hell is this?

I don't know. Is that
a fucking sock in his pants?

-Yeah, it looks like it.
-Oh, wow.

Get off the fucking stage!

Go back to the--
the convenience store.

You took me
to this fucking shit?

-Well, it was cheap.
-Oh, you fucking idiot.

Get out of the way, there's a
fucking guy-- Look out, asshole!

There's a fucking guy after me.
Help me, help me.

Help me, help me.
Someone help me!

Guys, help me! Come on!

Come on, come on!

Please, someone help me,
come on!

Shit.

Somebody help me, come on!
Help, help, come on! Somebody!

Somebody, help me, help me!

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Ah!

Woo!

Yeah, yeah.

You think you got talent?

Oy!

I'm Norman the rock star!

I have a bigger cock
than Dick Head.

Fuck you!

VIP? We made it.

Oh, wow. Cool.

VIP.

Hey, a roadie.

Ooh, VIPs.

You look like
you could use a tampon.

I don't know about that,
but you need to get waxed.

My ex-girlfriend's pussy
looks way better than that.

That's a good one, Ricky Martin.

Hey, I guess a foursome's
out of the question.

Fuck, no.

Ooh, but that's part of
the VIP experience.

Was that as good for you
as it was for me?

I didn't think so.

"The Glory Hole".

Hey, it's occupied, asshole.

What the fuck?

Is that a dick on your face?

Hey, cum dumpster.

Head for head?

Oh, shit.

Open wide.

Suck it. Suck it.

Suck my dick.

Oh, shit.

Watch out, fathead.

Fuck!

Oh, fuck you.

Lick my balls.

Fuck me, fuck me,
fuck me, fuck me.

Damn, that concert's
getting good.

What the fuck's
that camera doing--

Oh, a camera.

A camera.

Gonna upload this
on my sex channel.

Don't forget to like
and subscribe.

Oh, shit.

Need something to throw at me?

Here you go.

Doctor Beef, your whole
ever-loving ass is gone, man.

What?

A real booty meal?

Kinky.

Say it ain't so.

Not Doctor Ass' moneymaker.

What the hell is
he doing back there?

I think he's eating your ass.

What the-- what the hell,

is he eating my ass?

Shit, that means
I will never twerk again?

Look, we'll get you
some good quality butt pads.

All the best
influencers wear them.

Maybe she can help us.

She looks kind of crazy.

Cookies can help.

Um, hi.

We don't need cookies,
we need help.

-We need real help.
-I will help you.

You know what goes good
with cookies?

Milk!

Hey, girls, remember me?

I'm your old pal,
Otis Brownstein.

That's that old fool
that gave us

the bad direction to
the gas station.

Thanks a lot.

You're friends with
these stinking fucking mutants?

They're my family.

We don't like the term "mutant".

We prefer the term
genetically-challenged.

Specifically,
the police are also looking for

the band The Cali Bellends,

as they seem to have
disappeared
under suspicious circumstances.

What are you doing with us?

Why are we in our underwear?

Don't worry,
your privates are safe.

We are all cursed in
the genital department.

You see, my family has their
organs all in the wrong places.

They got boobs for heads,
dicks for noses,

and pussies for faces.

And last but not least,
assholes for mouths.

We are all in an empty void.

Nothing there.

Surprise!

You see.

I just wish the love of my life,
Muriel, was here for this.

Muriel organized everything.

She was killed in the battle
this afternoon.

I'm sorry, Mommy.
Party foul.

My balls were sweaty
and they fogged up my goggles.

I hate when that happens.

I forgive you.

But now...

I have my angel, Dawn.
Mwah!

When I first laid eyes on her
at my gas station,

I know she was more
than just food,

but a partner who could give me
the gift of new life.

Then how do you reproduce?

Mama!

Fetch me the dick syringe!

It's time for me
to get pregnant.

- You ready?
- Yes!

Fire away.

I-- It's birthing!
I'm birthing!

Ooh, the baby's coming!

His penis is in the right place!

It worked! It has appeared!

I'm a mommy again!

Hey, guys, don't you think
the story about the fiends

would make a great, great movie?

I mean, I would love to play
a monster in it if they make it.

I always wanted to be a thespian
and be in films.

These outdoor concerts
are getting out of control.

I'm so glad I no longer have
to cover these types of events.

No longer is Alexandra Joner
going to talk music.

I think now I'm going to talk
about sports.

Deformed people at
a rock concert,

committing terrible acts
of violence.

Report after report of
missing people are pouring in

for those that attended the
Desert Fiends Fest in Nevada.

Would you believe my wife
wanted to go to that concert?

I'm so glad I'm cheap
with my funds.

This reporter always loved
nature and the wilderness.

Heck, I would hike
every weekend.

Well, I used to hike every
weekend, but you know what?

Forget that.

The creatures are true monsters.

I've been covering this story
now for over two weeks,

and we have yet
to find any clues

as to where the suspects
have gone.

Their next search is gonna
be in the mines area.

Let's hope
they have better luck.

Record sales for
The Cali Bellends album

are going crazy.

This is the first time that
an album over 30 years old

is charting at
the number one spot.

Oh, wow, you're telling me
The Cali Bellends are back?

I was, like,
their biggest fan ever.

I even drank
their short-lived pop.

Music festival this summer
in the Nevada desert.

I mean, right there, that's--

I mean, AI pop-up...

You know, I mean, the heat index
in Nevada, that's--

That would be murder.

Another update on madness at
the Desert Fiends Fest

tonight, at 8:00 p.m.

I'm sure it's gonna be juicy.

We've been following
this story for weeks.

It's so insane.

I can't believe
they haven't caught the killers.

I'm going to head over to
the scene myself to cover this.

Dude, I mean, I really--

I really think I want to turn
this into a film. Yeah.

with
DJ Beef Curtis' music

and he stole my shit.

I'm glad that motherfucker
lost his ass.

Worse than these stale cookies

I was supposed to sell at
that concert.

I would have been dead for sure.

I've seen videos of that event.

Oh, my God, was it cheesy.

I think they had face painting
and sand art.

What is this, the
Towson Town Festival in 1997?

Oh, my God.

Wait, why am I trying to get
views talking about this crap?

Have I completely sold out?

This is Shadow Alley, people.

We talk about horror movies
and silicone masks

and important things
in the world.

Not this crap.

Sorry for talking about
this crap.

Let's get back to
the good stuff.

The only good thing is when
the girlies lifted the shirts

and showed their assets.

Other than that,
it only brings out the fiend.

Now coming in that numerous
outdoor festivals

have decided to cancel
due to fears that

the so-called "Desert Fiends"
could attend.

That concert was a total front.

Who in their right mind

would want to see
these crap acts perform?

Well, yeah,
I like going to events

and concerts and the like.

But I think my days at them
are coming to an end, man.

Why are there so many crappy
bands these days?

I mean, Doctor Ass?

What the hell is
this world coming to?

Oh, let's put concerts to rest,
already.

I mean, they're always
such a nightmare.

This one time, I went to one...

I mean, did you guys get
a look at the people?

I mean, what was up
with their faces?

I mean,
they're really messed up.

I mean, that one guy
looked like he had

a "see you next Tuesday"
on his face.

We love the fiends.

-Yes.
-I love the fiends.

I want them to sign my ass.

Like, just like this.

You guys keep doing
what you're doing, okay?

You need any help?

It looks like
they already did.

-Give me a call, okay?
-Look at that.

I mean, the whole thing

sounds like one of
those bad horror films.

It's like that guy who makes
those Amityville movies.

Uh, God, who watches that junk?

I wonder if the fiends
will start showing up

at all the concerts now.

They must hate music.

Man, I wish I almost went
to that concert.

Yes, the fiends
might have killed me,

but if they did,
I would be famous.

I hope nothing happens to Meg
from the music show.

I mean, she was
my number one crush, and, um...

TV's just not gonna be
the same.

It's not going to be worth
watching without them.

So there are people
with genitals on their faces?

Ha, nice joke, guys.

Call me crazy, guys,

but I want to check out
that concert location myself.

I need to see
where this all happened.

I would love to
be chased by a fiend.

But with the fiends
and their murders,

I feel like I could make videos

on this subject for
the rest of my life.

Yes!

I was so ready to finally do
my first live show.

But you know what?

I'm way too scared
the fiends might be there!

For the first time after
a 15-year hiatus,

The Cali Bellends.

Congrats to our winners
who get to watch

this exciting event
with us live.

I'm so glad I got sick

and didn't attend what would
have been my first concert.

But it would have been so fun
to have been on the news.

What are fiends?

I mean, why are those killers
being called fiends?

I just don't get it.

They should be called monsters.

Gilbert, the details of your
mission cannot leave this room.

I won't let you down.

I hope not.

Because you're easy to replace.

I can handle this.

We'll see.

I need you to make my soup.

My soup is very important to me.

It has to be hot.
It has to be nice.

Because it's for me
and the bird.

Lunchtime is bird time for me.

Never interrupt me and the bird
when we're having lunch.

Okay?

Toilet paper.

Two-ply only.

Not one-ply.

Two-ply only.

I need you to go to
a big box store.

Give me 1,000 rolls
of two-ply toilet paper.

There's a storage container
buried underground

1,000 feet in the back.

Put it there, lock it up,

protect it with your life.

Is there anything else I can do?

We'll see how
you deal with the soup.

And the toilet paper.