All language subtitles for family guy s23e11 1080p web h264-successfulcrab_track3_[eng]

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

[announcer] We now return

to what we think
Yellowstone is,

but we've never
actually watched it,

so we're not totally sure.

God, I love being
in the Old West,

or maybe present day,

it's unclear
on the Paramount billboards.

Hey, other cowboys, did you
get the cows put away here

in the great state of...
Wyoming?

Montana, maybe?

We sure did,
Yellowstone Boss Cowboy.

And I'm Kevin Costner.

Okay, that much I know.

-[man] He quit.
-Then I know nothing.

Apparently, the original title
for that series was

Get Back Here, Cows.

[sighs] Maybe just
try watching the show.

It's really quite popular.

Guys, I've done it.

The work for which
I'll be known for.

Got an extra "for"
in that sentence.

Come take a look. I'm serious.

It's the best work
I've ever done.

Is this that thing where
you're changing words

in Harry Potter to dog stuff

until it's legally
a different book?

Oh, there's plenty of adventures
at Dogwarts coming up,

but this is something else.

[panting]

-It's a hole.
-Right?

I-I was just,
I was in the zone, man.

I-I-- It was like--

it was like I was just
channeling the work.

Like-like it was
just coming through me.

-Very nice, Brian.
-It's a masterpiece.

A masterpiece I created
with my own hands,

and no one can
take it away from me.

I took it away from you.

Dude! What's your problem, man?

He's in a mood, I-I don't know,

I-I... said something mean
about a show.

Anyway, good job, Brian.

Thank you for sharing this
with us. [gasps]

What the hell?
You buried Rupert?!

[whimpers] Are you okay?
Oh, please be okay.

You bastard! What do you have
to say for yourself?

¿No hablo inglés?

Got to leave lots of space.
We're just getting started.

I'll say this, Rupert,

you were long overdue
for a bath.

Oh, hush. Just because
BuzzFeed says

Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't bathe,
that doesn't make it true,

even though it 100% is.

Now what's this?

Made in China?

Rupert, you're...
you're Chinese?

I had no idea.

My word, all these years,

I have been in a multicultural
relationship.

Well, sometimes life takes you
down a different road.

Just ask Robert Frost.

[Frost]
"Two roads diverged
in a wood, and I,

"I took the one
less traveled by..."

All right, I saw the back
of what I think is

my son's English teacher
pushing a grocery cart

full of his possessions,

and I just can't have
that interaction right now.

Mr. Frost?

Oh, hey, Mr. Thompson.
Uh...

-what've you been up to?
-Nothing much.

Just waiting for the district

to finish its "administrative
review." [chuckles]

Not really something
I can talk about.

Okay, well I'm gonna go ahead

and take the road
more traveled by.

Could really use somebody
to write a letter on my behalf.

I'm not really a writer.

Good morning, Brian.
Or rather, ni hao.

Why are you dressed like that?

Oh, my God, that is such
a Year of the Monkey

thing to ask. Right, Rupert?

Textbook Year of the Monkey,
this guy.

Right?
You're nine years old, right?

-Yeah.
-Right, so, 2024, 2023...

Right, yup, Monkey. Monkey.

I-I can always tell because
I'm Year of the Pig.

Does all this have
something to do

with you finding out
that Rupert was made in China?

Well, not that it should need
a reason, but yes, Brian.

I want Rupert to feel

his culture is welcome
and embraced here.

So, you've decided to talk
and dress like an idiot?

Idiot, eh?
Well, let's hear you say that

after I have a very lazy
Steven Seagal-type

martial arts fight
against Russian shills.

[grunting]

He is invincible.

Even better than Steven Seagal,

who unzipped his leather pants

in front of Portia di Rossi
at an audition.

Hey, just because you read that
in BuzzFeed article

does not make it true,
even though it 100% is.

Rupert, I want you to feel that
your heritage is respected here,

so I've made a few tweaks

to our favorite classic
television show.

[announcer]
We now return to E.R.

[Stewie]
Edited for Eastern medicine.

-I need ten cc's of--
-[Stewie] Ginseng root.

And somebody set
this patient up with--

[Stewie]
Goldfish to nibble his toes.

We're gonna lose him if we can't
get our hands on some--

[Stewie]
Baby elephant bones.

-He's coding.
-There's just one chance.

-We need--
-[Chris] The lady doctors
to kiss.

I made some tweaks as well.

Well, I think I have gone
above and beyond

in embracing Rupert's culture.

Rupert, you...
you're looking out to the east.

You're still thinking
about your roots.

I know, Rupert. You want to see
your homeland again.

You want to find your parents.

You want to casually moped

through an asteroid field
of traffic.

All right, Rupert, you win.

Tomorrow I will
take you to China.

Didn't you set Rupert up
at that window?

Which is facing north,
by the way.

Shut up Brian.
We're going to China.

[gong crashes]

Yeah, sound guy?
Yeah, let's, um...

let's pace ourselves
on that stuff, okay?

Wait a minute,
you're taking Rupert to China

so he can meet his family?

That's right, Brian.

Rupert wants to find
his mom and dad,

and he wants to eat
one tiny part of a shark

and throw the rest
in the garbage.

And I'm going to make
that happen for him.

You can't go to China, Stewie.

-Why not?
-Because you're an infant.

There's no way Peter and Lois
will let you.

[scoffs] They'll never
even notice I'm gone.

They're at VR Burning Man.

[laughs]

Yeah, my wife is here,

but she said I could
glitter paint anyone I want.

Why, yes, I will trade my wife
for some toilet paper,

man with top hat and goggles.

Okay, Stewie, there's also
the fact that Rupert is,

-um...
-What?

He... Look,
Rupert doesn't have a family.

In China or anywhere.
Rupert's just a toy.

What did you say?

Rupert is a toy.

Let me hear you say that
one more time.

It was then that I realized
I can't hear.

I can't hear, Dr. Scott.

And if that's true,

how do I know
I'm even being heard?

How do I know
if I even exist at all?

Yeah. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, would-would you mind

not folding your laundry
during our session?

Hey, man, this is therapy
that advertises on podcasts.

It-it costs, like, 18 bucks.
You get what you get.

[announcer] At PhoneMD,

we believe therapy
doesn't have to be expensive.

Or even effective.

It just has to be reportable
to your spouse.

PhoneMD. Get therapy

on the thing that
led to the affair.

[inhales deeply]

Look, Brian,
I'm taking Rupert to China

and it's none of your business.
You're not invited anyway.

What would you even do
in China-- see if Olivia Munn

left a sister
back in the homeland?

♪

Are you...

Yes, John Mulaney's
brother, Don.

And I'm looking
for the same thing you are.

[flight attendant]
Ladies and gentlemen,

as we begin our descent
into Beijing,

we ask that you
power down your devices.

Blast! I need to hurry up
and finish this episode

of Yellowstone, which we still
haven't ever actually watched.

♪

You can't take our land.

We built all this nothing
from nothing.

I'm sorry,
but I got a paper here

signed by the governor
of this Dakota.

Cowboy husband?
Is everything okay?

Get back inside,

women who are way hotter than
real women from this place.

Here we are. We made it.

Hey, check this out.

Everyone,
the Olympics are coming!

Right?
Oh, friggin' China, man.

I mean, 800 workers just died,

but still,
tip your cap, you know?

Hey.
Thanks for making our stuff.

Thank you.

Our country
stopped making stuff,

so thank you
for making the stuff

'cause we still need stuff.

I say. Back in the old
stomping ground, eh, friend?

Why, you must feel
like Jesus did

when he returned from the dead.

Hey, hey, look who's back.
Miss me?

Jesus. Hey, hey! [laughs]
This is great. This is great.

So, uh, listen, um,

I hired you to build me a table

back before all the stuff
went down, right?

And, uh, well, look...

Hmm.
Do you have a receipt?

Um, no.
I mean... Well, you died,

so I figured there was no point
in hanging on to it.

Yeah, you kind of want
to always keep the receipt.

Look. There!

It's Rupert's brothers
and sisters.

And there's his mother
and father.

Yeah, are you sure those
aren't just random workers

who happen to be on duty today?

No, they're his mom and dad,
I'm certain. Look--

she has Rupert's same non-smile.

And he has Rupert's
glassy, dead eyes.

All right, Brian, remember--
it's vital that I make

a good impression
on these people.

So, to review?

[sighs] You're a wealthy
American businessman.

-And also?
-The lead singer of Coldplay.

Perfect. Now I want you
to film all of this

because after we meet them,
I'm going to ask their blessing

-to marry Rupert.
-W-What?

You guys? There's someone here
who'd like to say hello.

Okay.

Yes, it's your son, Rupert!

If they start weeping,
obviously zoom way in on that.

Oh, look at you.
You're clearly in shock.

And now, like every host
of a cooking travel show,

I'm going to disregard
cultural norms

and touch your body
without your consent.

Ignoring your discomfort...

Ignoring your discomfort.

Feel free to cry.
Makes for better video.

-Okay.
-We have so much to talk about.

But I just want you to know
we don't hold it against you--

you giving up Rupert--
even though it did

-mess him up, sexually.
-Okay.

I mean, I'm sure you guys
had lots of stuff going on.

I mean, obviously, the career...

Can't expect you
to walk away from all this.

So, I'm Rupert's special friend,
Stewie Griffin-Dockers III.

Yes, of the pants Dockers.
Let's not

-make a big deal out of it.
-Okay.

But I really love
what you have here.

That's such a cute hole
they give you for a toilet.

Brian, tell them
about my toilet.

-He's wearing it.
-I'm wearing my toilet. So...

Am I still supposed
to be recording this?

So, listen, we, um...

we didn't really come all the
way to China just to say hello.

As I said, Rupert and I are, um,

very special friends.

Truthfully, more than friends.
And, um...

You know, when a baby
gets to be a certain age,

he starts thinking
about his future. And, um,

who he wants to share
that future with. And, um...

-[Brian] Still rolling.
-I know.

It's just, if this video
goes too long,

I won't be able
to text it to you.

You can friggin' AirDrop it!

Also, someone's using
the toilet hole

in the background of your shot.

Okay, you know what,
let's not do this here.

We clearly have
a ton to talk about,

so perhaps dinner is in order?

Maybe we drop by around 6:00?

-Okay.
-Great, but you
have to promise me

no special treatment
just because

I'm a casual slacks billionaire.

♪

Who are those Americans
poking around

our industrial facility
and filming?

-Are they spies?
-I don't know.

I'm not seeing any matches on
the facial recognition software.

[sighs]
Or on Tinder.

Yeah, what do you expect?

We're a country of
a billion guys and eight girls.

[announcer]
China: Whoops!

Maybe we threw away
too many girls.

Count it.

[knocking]

-Aah!
-Hello, hello, hello.

[sniffs] Mmm,
something smells delicious

and with the eyeballs
still on it. I brought wine.

Wow, that's
a very expensive bottle,

lead singer from Coldplay,

which I forgot
to mention earlier.

[laughs]
No, it's nothing.

Now, before we do anything else,
I just have to know--

which one of you two
hogs the blankets?

Who does Rupert get that from?

Uh, look at Pop-Pop's face.
Busted!

I think we found
our blanket hog.

Okay.

Well, we're here
because, um, I...

I have something important
to ask you.

Okay.

So, Rupert and I, um...
[exhales]

Could-could I maybe
have some tea first?

Tea?

Ugh, I'm such a klutz.
[chuckles]

Someone hands me a china cup,
I look away, right?

Down with china. [chuckles]
You know? Down with china.

-[buzzer sounds]
-At this point,

I am basically
an enemy of china, right?

Anyway, I'm here, um,
to ask you a question.

It's a very, very important...

Actually, you know what?
Two questions.

You remember that
old Calgon commercial?

"Ancient Chinese secret," right?

What exactly
is the ancient Chinese secret?

-[buzzer sounds]
-I'll pay you anything

if you'll tell me
the ancient Chinese secret.

[buzzer sounding]

Stewie, are you gonna
do this or not?

Yes, yes, Brian, fine.

So... [sighs]
What I really came here

to ask you is this.

Will you please give Rupert
and me your blessing to--

-[grunts]
-You're under arrest.

The charge is espionage
against China.

I didn't do espionage.

And aggravated sodomy
against a stuffed animal.

I didn't do espionage.

Twenty years in a labor camp

for spying on China.
What a mess.

"Hire Sidney Powell," he said.

It's the only place
she's still licensed.

Break's over.
Get back to work

making solar panels
for American liberals.

Didn't realize
all our solar panels

are made by Chinese
political prisoners.

Yes. White liberals
have a lot to answer for.

[chuckles] Well, I'd say
conservatives do as well,

especially in a post
Roe v. Wade world.

Oh my gosh, I finally
get to see this little guy.

[gasps] He's adorable.

He looks just like your rapist.

I think he looks
like both of us.

He's a cutie. He's gonna
be a little lady killer.

Well, we'll see. I don't want
to put any pressure on him.

This is outrageous.
I'm not a spy

and I'm not doing
your prison labor.

Let me guess--
Year of the Monkey?

Yep. Bingo.

Okay, monkey,
if you won't do this labor,

we will give you
and your friend hard labor.

[classical music
playing on TV]

The hard labor
is watching the movie Tár?

And answer questions
about the film.

"Why should the viewer care
about this protagonist?

What are we hoping
she accomplishes?"

"What is the ultimate message
of the movie Tár?"

"Why is there an accent mark
over the A in Tár,

despite the fact
that it is a one-syllable word,

and therefore contains no other
syllables to de-accentuate?"

Oh, no, now it's getting
really tough.

"What does a conductor
actually do?

"Why couldn't the best musicians
in the world,

"who are trained at Juilliard,

"play music without some maniac

"waving a stick
in front of them?

"Why are people who hold
and wave sticks so tormented?

"How do you think Tár
chose her stick?

Please explain in essay form."

Well, at least
this is the only movie

we have to watch
about a conductor.

And after lunch,
you'll be watching Maestro.

You monster!

[cackles]

I can't take much more
of this, Brian.

We have to break out of here.

And I think I have an idea.

I don't know, an escape attempt
could be dangerous.

Maybe we just wait for Peter
and Lois to come get us out.

That'll be quite a wait.

Right now, they're at
virtual Dave & Busters.

[gasps]
Peter, let's order another plate

of warm mozzarella sticks
on brown lettuce.

Sounds good, Lois.
You do that while I go stare

at women's butt cracks
on the motorcycle games.

Hi. I like how your drink
is very blue.

Hey, is it true that Dave
shot Buster then shot himself?

All right, Brian,
here's the plan.

Each of these panels is coated

with a highly-polarized
carbon glass,

but if we can reverse the glass,
it'd form a concave mirror.

And indeed,
these components are modular.

So, if we target the fence
with those mirrors

reflecting the sun's rays--

we'll need a total of 1,400
centigrade, give or take--

-it should compromise
the structural integrity--
-Come on.

[panting]

My plan had science in it,

but fine, let's do it
the dirty dog way. [grunts]

[camp watchman over loudspeaker]
Escape in progress.

Escape in progress.

-[phone chimes]
-Es... cape... uh...

[laughs]

Escape in progress.

[alarm blaring]

Aah!

-Where do we go?
-Over here!

Through the village
of Chinese stereotypes.

There's still some
we haven't done?

That way--
through the obligatory

Chinese New Year parade.

No, over there, where that
old man with a wispy beard

-sells mythical creatures.
-No time!

Let's just hide behind
those terracotta soldiers.

Whoops.

-Hey!
-The hell, man?

Should we settle up?
I'll settle up.

-Oh, boy.
-Yeah, whenever you
accidentally domino stuff over,

there's always a biker gang
that's mad about it.

[all shouting]

Quick.
Down this alley!

[all shouting]

[fanfare playing]

[gong crashes]

-Aah!
-Aah!

Oh, no!

There's no way out.
We're trapped!

You've only made things worse.

You should know by now

there's only one way
out of a Chinese prison.

[gulps]
Death?

No.
Rat out someone else.

[gong crashes]

There he is-- famous pro-Tibet
activist, Richard Gere!

What? [laughs]
I-I mean,

thank you, I'm flattered,
but... what?

Sorry, Chris.
When you download TikTok,

one of the terms and conditions
is that

the Chinese government
can just arrest you whenever.

[dance music playing]

[TikTok Jessie voice]
Does TikTok app

really let China police
kidnap you or...

Probably not, but maybe, LOL?

We have had quite
the Chinese adventure, Stewie.

And I think I might just
have my next screenplay idea.

He's not gonna write [bleep].

Well, my friend,
we both have crummy in-laws.

My parents throw you
in the dryer.

Yours put us in a labor camp.

But if there's
one thing I do know:

no matter where we're from
or where we are

or who does or doesn't give us
their blessing,

my home is where you are

and your home is where I am.

And now I also know where your
blanket hog thing comes from.

I-- No, Rupert, I didn't know
that "blanket hog"

is a Taiwanese slur
for the mainland Chinese.

How would I know that?

But I didn't know that
it's racist, so how could I--

I already apologized,
by implication.

[sighs] Fine. I'm sorry
you were needlessly offended

by my innocent use
of an obscure regional racism.

So, that's why I cheated
on Rupert with my octopus.

Yeah, that-that seems fine.

I-I don't really care.

Hey-hey, do you have
another credit card?

'Cause the one I have on file
isn't working.

[announcer] PhoneMD: Make sure

your method of payment
is current.

So, Peter, Lois, did you
miss us while we were gone?

Oh, we didn't even notice.

We were busy
watching Yellowstone,

which is set
in present-day Montana

with periodic flashbacks
to the 1990s.

[announcer]
We finally looked it up
on Wikipedia.

Thanks for going to China
with me, Brian.

You bet. I just feel bad
we had to hand over Chris

-to get out of there.
-Oh, I'm sure by now

they've figured out
he's not really Richard Gere.

So, in Pretty Woman,
when I snap that necklace box

on Julia's fingers
and she laughs?

That was total improv.

Julia didn't know
I was gonna do that.

Wow. So what's Julia Roberts
like in real life?

Is she just supercool
and down-to-earth?

No, she is not.

Mr. Gere,
what's your middle name?

Meh, you know...

I don't think that middle names
are all that important.

I understand it's Tiffany?

It is Tiffany.

[gong crashes]

That's called range.