All language subtitles for The_Great_North_S05E11

-♪ Look up there ♪
-♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night
to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

[cheering]

♪ ♪

[sinister laugh]

[Henry]
Your puny kind cannot hope

to defend against my magics,

which, as you can tell
by my cackle,

are dark magics.

[sinister laugh]

[Moon]
We can't let the Wizard win

or the Staff of Okhi
will be lost forever.

[Dirt]
Let's strangle him
with his own beard

and stick his pointy hat

where the four moons
of our realm don't shine.

[Russell]
Or perhaps we could enchant him

with one of our
gorgeous warbles?

All right, warble it up, hoss.

Nothing will stop me from--

-[flute music playing]
-Ooh.

What is that delightful sound?

♪ Karma, karma, karma, karma,
karma chameleon ♪

♪ You come and go ♪

♪ You come and go, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Loving would be easy if your
colors were like my dreams. ♪

Oh, no! The song was a trick!

[Dirt]
By the power of Gaxabarn,

get bonked.

Ow. Oh, my God. Ow!

Ow! Dude?

Okay, I'm dead.

[screams]

Incredible kills, Aunt Dirt.

Or, should I say,
great barbarian Burpfart.

Oh, yeah,
if someone crosses me,

I scorch the earth, buddy.

You're so lucky to have such
a bloodthirsty great-aunt, Moon.

The only thing
my aunt's ever done for me

is start a college fund. Yuck.

You kids
aren't too bad yourselves.

Not like the kids
I knew growing up.

A lot of my so-called
"friends" turned out

to be no-good turncoat commies.

-Yikes.
-Hazard of the times, my boy.

So I ditched 'em. I don't cry,
I just say goodbye.

Same time tomorrow,
you little rats?

Does the Glowering Crescent
fall dour on the Midnight Plane?

Okay, cut it out.
Game's over, Poindexter.

Don't let
the bunker door hit you

on the way out.

Hmm, idiots.

[saleswoman]
Hey there, Red.

I know that look.

Who, me?

What, uh, what look?

You're on the hunt
for beads, am I right?

Oh, uh, no--

There's no limit to the crafts
you can craft with beads.

Maybe you'd enjoy
a beaded bracelet?

A beaded keychain?

A flowing beaded curtain
for your boudoir threshold?

Boudoir.

Imagine the look on your
sensual evening guests' faces

when you appear to them through

the absolutely tantalizing
clickity-clackity-clickity-clack

of beads on string.

[Beef]
How 'bout that silhouette, baby?

Shall we begin scooping?

Immediately.

So, how was
the gaming today, guys?

We bashed some heads
and destroyed some snacks.

You know, not many people
have an elderly aunt

who's best friend material.

I love this partnership.

It's like unlikely
animal friends but for people.

Plus, I really enjoy when you
come to dinner in your costumes.

Oh, yeah. Sweet runes, bro.

Thank you. It's Sharpie.

Where's the big ugly one?
You know, your dad?

He went to the mall.
Sometimes after he's been

gutting fish all day,

he goes to smell the Cinnabon
as a palate cleanser.

It keeps him sane.

[giggles] I got curtains.

Oh, no. My boudoir.

Hello, ma'am.
Uh, where's my Aunt Dirt?

Hell if I know.
She didn't come in today.

Now take a bowl of Food Mixture
and move it along.

I know we're supposed
to play after school

but should we squeeze in
a little Lizards right now?

Nah, we ought to
wait for my aunt.

Oh, come on, Moon,
just one quick round?

I could use some fun
after that math test.

Me, too.
The system can graph my ass.

I guess we can find someone
to sub in.

Maybe Loud Sandy's
brother, Calm Callum?

Yeah. He looks... alone.

-[humming]
-Hey, Calm Callum,

you ever been
a barbarian before?

My cousin was in
Shrek the Musical.

Close enough. Pop a squat.

Welcome back, dummies.
Come on in, have a seat.

I have a big announcement.

♪ Da-da-da-dah ♪

In honor of
our six-month anniversary

of Lizarding,
I have a surprise for you.

Oh, wow. Are you engaged?

No! Why the hell
would I be engaged?

Sorry, I just ask my mom
and her boyfriend Jamie that

every morning. Force of habit.

All right, here we go.

Some jamoke
on the Alaska Ask-A Barter Board

offered to trade
one of my 1958 issues

of Look At Those Legs
magazines for...

this.

[Moon]
Gordix the Unyielding

Dice Tower sponsored
by Carolina Cigarettes?

-Whoa!
-What?

I skipped my lunch lady shift

and took the bus out
to New Fork to pick it up.

-No biggie.
-Holy wow.

They stopped making these
in the '80s.

[game voice]
For honor and cigarettes.

[hisses]

That's one of
its five distinct sayings.

Oh, they get so much worse.

Okay, so, last we left,
we were searching the caves--

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, we weren't.

I'm old but I'm not senile.

You jumping ahead on us, Henry?

Oh, we, uh,
actually played a little

at lunch today,
but it honestly was--

You played without me?

Well, we couldn't find you.

But I'm part of the group.

And you still are.

Uh-uh. This is how it starts.

How what starts?

We just had Calm Callum
play as your character

for one little round.

Sorry, let me get this straight.

I, me, Dirt, was on a smelly bus

all the way to New Fork
where I spent

my own hard-earned money
on this lizard head--

You said you traded.

Shut it! And you replaced me?

Boy, this is sure reminding me
of those jerks I knew

when I was a kid. You know what?

I don't think I feel
like playing Lizards anymore.

Let's play
a different game called

"Get the hell out
of my bunker right now."

The rules are simple.
If you're still here

in ten seconds,
I start throwing stuff.

-One!
-[shouts]

Hey, you said ten seconds!

Sorry, I just love this game.

Two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight!

Why don't you go find
Calm Callum, huh? Nine, ten!

He's at his mediation class.

He's the teacher!

-[grunts]
-[shouts]

[game voice]
Tobacco heals. [hisses]

[Dirt]
Stay out, you pun--

What the hell was that?

I don't know.
We only played without her

for like 15 minutes.

Guys, my sensei
was telling me about this.

It's menopause.

[Dirt muttering]
Stupid little

no-good little traitor boy.

[gulps]
Could someone pass the bacon?

Sure thing.

Okay...

could someone else
pass the hashbrowns?

You got it, buddy.

-[door closes]
-Moon, are you by any chance

feuding with your elderly aunt?

She's mad me, Henry and Russell

played our Lizards
role-playing game without her.

I mean, we wanted
to play with her,

but she was busy driving
all the way to New Fork

to buy us a special gift,
and yes, that does sound bad,

but in our defense, we
didn't know she was doing that.

Yeesh. Well, I'm sure
she'll come around.

I mean, she didn't stay locked
up in that bunker forever.

Just 60 years.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, my God.

Is that...

[Moon]
Every single object

from my room on the front lawn?

-Yep.
-Who could've done this?

[Wolf]
Hey, Dad.

Uh, no, uh, biggie,

but we've been
waiting in the van

to leave for work
for like an hour.

Don't want to rush you,
but we are

almost out of gas.

Damn it.

Oh, you, uh,
working on those curtains?

Yes, to create a sensual
boudoir doorway silhouette.

I think it's gonna be
another hour before I'm done.

Here's what I have so far.

That's not a lot of curtain.

The vibes are there though.
Yeah, I get it. I get it.

No, no, no.

Beef, this is insanity.

The woman at the bead store,

she made me believe, but now...

I'm so scared.

It's gonna be okay, Dad.

Me and Honeybee will just
take these back for you.

Do you have the receipt?

Yes, where did I...

[humming]

Hmm?

They ring up each bead
individually.

[Henry]
Okay, here's the plan.

Russell, you're gonna ask Dirt

if she wants to play
so she'll stop being mad at us.

Why me?

Because you can be
talked into anything.

Okay, wonderful.

No, it's gotta be me.

She's my great-aunt.

I'll take the hit,
probably literally.

Aunt Dirt,

before you slap us with pizza
or something-- Ah!

Whoops.
This pizza's got a hair trigger.

Now, keep walking, honky.

Okay, she's definitely
still mad.

Let's just steer clear of her
for the day

while she cools off.

Hopefully she's
gotten most of it

out of her system by now.

[Dirt over P.A.]
Moon Tobin,

Henry Tuntley
and Russell Dumbass--

I don't know your last name--

please report
to your Lil' Poopers meeting.

Your potty training
will begin immediately.

-[children laughing]
-Russell, where are you going?

She said the potty training
was starting immediately.

Okay, hopefully now
it's out of her system.

♪ ♪

[shouts]

[Russell]
Moon, look out!

[chuckling]

[grunting]

[muffled shouting]

-[shouting]
-Hey, Dirt.

You here to... kill us?
Scorch the earth?

Nah, I'm done
with my revenge now.

Come over here, let's hug

-and make up.
-Hmm.

Tell Calm Callum I said hello.

-[alarm ringing]
-[shouts]

Ta-ta, traitors!

What is going on?

Moon?

Hello, I'd like to return
these beads, please.

Okay, I'd "bead" happy
to process your return,

but have you considered
that you could use these beads

to make yourself
some beautiful bead ensembles

to wear out and about
upon the town?

[both]
Ensembles.

♪ ♪

We're gonna need more beads.

A lot more.

-[both giggling]
-Oh, no.

Beef. [whoops] Huge news!

We're making full bead tuxedos

to wear to next year's
Met Gala. [laughs]

God, I hope the theme is beads.

[Moon]
Principal Gibbons,

we didn't pull the fire alarm.

We were framed.

Relax, relax, boys.
I believe you.

It's very clear
your elderly aunt

has sworn out
a vengeance upon you.

Yes, but all we did was play

our wizards
and reptiles game without her.

And she went all Steve-O

from Jackass on you,
just for that?

Uh-huh. We're all pretty
certain it's menopause.

I really doubt
it's that, Russell.

[scoffs] Don't be so sure.

My sensei says that
menopause can present

in many different ways.

Get off the menopause, bud.

Can you maybe
tell her to lay off of us?

Oh, hell no.

I'm not getting in
that maniac's way.

But look, when someone
overreacts, it's usually 'cause

you're touching on
a traumatic area for them.

That's it. Remember she said
she had some bad friends

when she was a kid?
Maybe we figure out

what happened and
make it up to her somehow.

[Dirt over P.A.]
Attention Lone Moose students.

The pinch election results
are in.

Yuh-oh.

Your new pinch kings

are Moon, Russell and Henry,

so if you see them,
pinch 'em hard.

Run, boys!

We're pinch kings?
[squeals] Amazing.

I didn't even know
we were nominated.

Okay, I figure
we got about 45 minutes

till my aunt gets home
from school.

Let's get in, learn everything

about that woman's past,
and get out.

Here we go.
This photo album's called,

"Jerks I Hate: Volume One."

And this picture of three boys
our age is captioned,

"Idiots to run over

when I get a car."

[Henry] Yeesh, she scrawled
this kid's face out.

[Moon] Joe Dinkum.

-He must be the one
she really hates.
-[shouts]

What the hell are you doing
with my stuff?

That's private!

[shouts] You're back early!

Who's Joe,

and why is his face
scratched out?

Joe Dinkum?
Oh, he's just some traitor

and a liar with a face
that looks like a rat's ass.

Now, where's my pistol?

I know I left it
around here somewhere.

Go, go, go, go!

Okay, that was
a little too close.

I saw Jamie's life
flash before my eyes.

Guys, I think
I know what we need to do.

We gotta find this Joe Dinkum.

-And kill him?
-No.

We bring him to Dirt
and let her kill him.

Then she forgives us
and we can all play again.

Smart.

Hey guys, what's-- [shouts]

-[grunts]
-Whoa.

Nice fall, Judy.

Uh, you walk mu-- [shouts]

[grunts]

Oh, uh, heads up.

There's beads
all over the floor.

What the hell is going on here?

Oh, great news.
We're making beaded tuxedos.

Tux-bead-os.

For the Met Gala. [laughs]

Okay, guys,
I hate to diffuse the muse,

but I know a thing or two
about crafting,

and it's clear to me

that you're all in way over
your heads on bead crafts.

[sighs] There's something
you need to see,

something I hoped
I'd never have to show anyone.

Come with me.

Uh, could this "bead"
more dangerous?

Get it? Do you guys
understand? The "bead"?

[laughs]

I think I have a concussion.

[Moon]
There he is. Joe Dinkum.

Look at that scumbag.

[Russell]
Filling up his bird feeder
like a serial killer.

How we gonna get this guy
to your aunt's bunker?

Not sure.
Uh, did anyone bring a sack?

Of course.
My mom always makes me

carry an Abduct Me Not brand
security sack to hide in

in case someone tries
to take me.

Wouldn't that just
make it easier to take you?

No. [scoffs] There's no handles.

Hey, what are you boys
doing over there?

-Oh! [nervous laughter]
-[gasping]

Shoot.

Oh... [clears throat]

...we're just, uh,

planning to kidnap you, sir.

Russell.

Is that so?

Well, how you thinking
about doing it?

Would you mind
stepping into a sack?

Well, it's been years
since I've been in a sack,

and I could use an adventure.

Where you taking me?

To see a wonderful lady

who goes by
the name of Aunt Dirt.

Russell.

Dirt? As in Dirtrude Tobin?

Well, I tell you what,
I'll come along willingly.

Now, I've got
a package of Oreos inside

I could bring along, too.

You little criminals
like cookies or what?

We talking Double Stuf?

Of course, I'm not an animal.

[Judy]
There are no words

for what you're about to see.

Welcome to Hell.

[Honeybee]
Judy,

what is all this?

Failure, that's what.

My unfinished craft graveyard.

Now, who's this little guy?

That's half
a macrame coaster, Dad.

Half a macrame coaster

that took up
seven months of my life.

What are you going
to put on it? A half a cup?

That doesn't exist.

Uh, then what's this?

Oh, that's the half a mug

I missed my 13th birthday party
to make.

And now all it holds
is my shame.

Well, half your shame.

-Honeybee, I swear to God.
-Sorry.

Look, guys, right now,

you all stand
at a fork in the road.

-A half a fork.
-I will kill you, Ham.

I know what this is about, Judy.

You brought us here as a warning

to stop
our foolish bead crafting.

Oh, hell no. This is
your sign not to give up.

I'm all in, baby!

Dad, you're
getting your curtains,

and then we're all
going to the Met Gala.

Great barbarian Burpfart,

we offer you a humble sacrifice
so peace may once again reign.

Hey, Dirt? It's Joe!

I'm the offering!

Joe "Stink-'em" Dinkum?

We kidnapped him
for you to murder.

Good to see you, pal.
You want an Oreo?

-[growls]
-[straining]

-What-what is this?
-[shouts]

Unhand me, henchmen!

Let go of me now!

We will. We just wanna know

what this guy did first
so we can,

you know, enjoy the kill.

[sighs] Okay, fine.

You want to hear our story?

Prepare your stupid ears
for a harrowing tale.

This is "The Legend
of Dirt Versus Dinkum."

See, once upon a time,
I was really something,

just like I am now, but shorter.

And, oh boy, I ran

Lone Moose back then.

And since no one else
was on my level,

it was pretty much a solo job.

Mmm.

[hisses]

But my parents couldn't handle

my superior sense of self.

They were always trying to make
me into some little princess.

My mom kept making dresses,

and I kept drowning them.

And then, one day,
I heard something

-in the woods.
-[loud belch]

A burp, like a clarion call

-to adventure.
-[belches]

-So I burped back.
-[belching continues]

Then them, then me, and so on

and so forth.
And I followed the sound

until I found some of
the most top-shelf idiots

you could possibly order
at this bar called life.

And even though
they were total numbnuts

just like you and Simon

and Theodore, we became...

Friends.

Shut up. But yeah.

[Dirt]
The four of us
were thick as thieves.

We even built our own
spaceship-shaped fort.

[Joe]
The Galaxy Probe.

Can it, Stink-'em.

But our paradise
didn't last very long.

[father]
Dirtrude!

What are you doing,
dillydallying around

with these ding-dongs?

You shouldn't be
smiling with boys,

that's how you get pregnant.

Dad, they're just my friends.

It's not like I'm kissing 'em.
They're disgusting.

Stop running your mouth
and start running your feet.

Let's get home.
This ain't proper.

Hey, listen, mister--

Oh, you keep
your mouth shut, Donald Dumb.

And stay away
from my daughter from now on.

[Moon]
Your dad was a piece
of work, huh?

[Dirt]
Brother, he was the whole job.

But I didn't listen
to my dad then,

and I don't now.
'Cause he's dead.

I savvied Joe

to our new launch time,

but would you believe this?

He didn't show.

I figured it was possible
Joe got the time wrong

because of how he was, and
still is, very, very stupid.

So, I reported to playtime
the next day same as usual,

and found I'd been replaced

by some kind of
1960s Calm Callum.

So, that night, I went to leave

my official goodbye letter.

You burned Joe alive?

[sighs] Russell, Joe is
literally right next to us.

Okay. Well, I forgot that.

Yeah, she torched
the whole friendship.

Like, with actual fire.

Me? You were
the one who ended things.

Now prepare to die.

[shouts]

Get off! What're you--

-Say "uncle."
-Never! I'm gonna--

-Say it!
-Ow, you bit me!

You're a traitor, Joe Dinkum!

And a turncoat!

Oh, yeah? Well, you're mean!

Ow! I can't believe
I ever had a crush on you!

Wait.

What? What crush?

Listen, I'm not
saying it's right,

but the reason
I didn't show up that night

was 'cause I was heartbroken.

Heartbroken the way
only a very stupid

ten-year-old boy can be.

See, telling the story
from my angle,

that day when I first

-heard you burp in the woods...
-[all belching]

...it was like an angel
was burping my name.

You were my dream girl.

[Dirt]
Disgusting.

[Joe]
You sure were, and rude.

And loud and covered in mud

at all times. The total package.

So that day your dad caught us,

and said it wasn't proper
for a girl

to play with boys, you said...

I would never even
think of kissing

any of these boys, ever.

Especially that one.
Joe. Joe Dinkum.

I particularly
don't want to kiss him.

Oh, barf!

I'm getting so sick
even thinking about it.

[groans]

I'm not sure I said all that.

Right, but that's what
my dumb kid ears heard.

And I'm not trying
to defend myself,

but at the time,
I was only ten years old,

and it broke my heart.
That's why

I didn't show that night,

and boy, I regretted it
ever since.

Well, why didn't you say so?

I tried. My parents
sent me off to Anchorage

for school the next year,
and when I finally came back

to Lone Moose after college,
I looked you up,

but everyone said you were dead.

Nah, I just went
in a bunker for 60 years.

-Is that all?
-Not wanting to kiss you

was nothing personal.

I'm just a lesbian,
if you couldn't tell

from, like, my whole deal.

Doesn't matter the reason,
girls don't have to kiss boys

they ain't interested in.
End of story.

You're nailing it, brother.

I'm sorry, Dirt.

And we're sorry, too.

Calm Callum was a terrible
barbarian Burpfart.

He never once burped or farted.

What an ass.

Well, what are we all
standing around for, huh?

Can we get back
to playing that dumb

Gizzards And Blizzards
or whatever it's called already?

Geez.

What do you say, Stink-'em, huh?

You want to play a dumb game
with these little twerps

that I don't like very much?

Yeah, sure.

Let me just pop my hip
back in where it goes.

I'll be right with you.

[Beef] By God, the house
looks stunning.

-Mm-hmm.
-Ham, shh.

We all need to stay
perfectly quiet

and perfectly still until
the first Monday in May.

From now until then,
no one should move

or make any sounds
above a whisper.

Hey, everybody.

Guess who made up.

[groans] Do not slam the door.

This door? You got it, boss.

[Wolf]
No, no, no! All our beadwork!

[shouts] I'm slipping!

[overlapping shouting]

I'm bead blind!

[shouts] Catch me, Dad!
Catch me!

-Phew.
-Phew.

Sure.

Eh, we should probably
help them with this mess.

I guess.

Wanna go do literally
anything else?

Great idea.

[sinister laugh]

Sir Stink-'em the Ugly,

now'd be a great time to wave

that sparkly twig of yours.

[Joe] You got it, pal.

I cast Aakthulu's
Barrier of Protection!

Unleash hell, boys.

[all shouting]

[grunting]

Say, Russell, you want

to pipe us some killing music

while we watch this guy

writhe in agony?

Coming right up, Dirt.

[flute music playing]

♪ Karma, karma, karma, karma,
karma chameleon ♪

♪ You come and go... ♪

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