All language subtitles for Paul.Chowdry.Family.Friendly.Comedian.2024.2160p.4K.WEB.x265.10bit.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX].mkvPaul.Chowdry.Family.Friendly.Comedian.2024.2160p.4K.WEB.x265.10bit.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]_track3_[eng]

The following programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,

and everyone in between,

please welcome to the stage

the Family-Friendly Comedian,

Paul Chowdhry!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

# PHILIP BAILEY &
PHIL COLLINS: Easy Lover #

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

Welcome to the Family-Friendly Show.

(CROWD CHEERS)

I'm your Family-Friendly Comedian,
Paul Chowdhry.

(CHEERING)

I know a lot of you have
seen me over the years,

and I've been doing comedy
for a long time,

and you're expecting
the old Paul Chowdhry

that's gonna come out here
and rinse people.

I don't do that anymore.

(LAUGHTER)
Remember back in the day,

I used to come out here, see these
guys and rinse them a new arsehole.

And then just, I'd say, look at
this... (SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE)

This haram...
No, I don't do that anymore!

That's the old Paul Chowdhry.

This is the halal version.
(LAUGHTER)

What are you doing here again, Dave?

You're at every fucking show.

You're like my Baby Reindeer.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Back in the old days, I'd say, what's
this Bengali wearing a beret for?

Get a shot of this...
(SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE)

Sit down...
(SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE)

This is on TV, you stupid bastard.

You are gonna look like
a complete puda on national TV.

What part of Bangladesh in France
do you come from?

(LAUGHTER)

Sorry, that's the old Paul Chowdhry.

Now look at this Indian going,
"Please stop it, please make it..."

So, if you're expecting
the old Paul Chowdhry,

that's not what I do anymore.
This is a family-friendly show

because I want to be accepted
on mainstream television now.

Do you know what I mean?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
You know what I mean?

I want to bake cakes on TV.
(LAUGHTER)

I want them to send me to the jungle.

We come from the jungle.
I don't want to go back.

You look like you just got here
on a dinghy from the jungle.

You won't get a more diverse
audience than my crowds.

Look at the diversity
celebrated in this room tonight.

Look at this, look at it.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

This is multiculturalism.

My Musalman sisters
with the hijabs and burkas.

Arif, what's your name?
Me?

The man behind you!
(SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE)

(LAUGHTER)

The Muslim brother,
not the "Who, me?"

(LAUGHTER)

Assalamu alaikum, my brother.

How do you identify?
Straight Muslim.

Very Muslim?
(LAUGHTER)

Is that your pronoun?

"Very Muslim."

(LAUGHTER)

Cos look at my crowd,
we got, you know, some white people.

Where are they?
(CROWD CHEERS)

Not you, you fucking idiot!

White people! What part of white
people didn't you understand,

you Bengali, French bastard?

I'm talking about this guy,
Colin, John and Brian.

What's your name mate?
Mark.Mark.

Mark...?
Jamie."Jamie."

Darryl.
"Darryl."

Proper geezers.
This is Mohammad, Abdul, Bahir.

What's your name?
Ballah.

Ballah?
(LAUGHTER)

"Uh, Ballah."

(LAUGHTER)

"Ballah."

Proper geezers over there, innit?

Proper lads and then
Terminal Five Heathrow Airport.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

So, I'm a family-friendly comedian.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

That's what I'm here for.

I'm very gender inclusive, you know?

I'm here for all the genders,
all the families.

I want to be accepted
by the mainstream,

just like it is,
all TV shows have changed now.

I was watching this show
on Netflix about a family

that live in this council house
in London.

If they've got a disabled child,
they just get rid of them.

They kill members
of their own family.

It's called The Crown.

(LAUGHTER)

That joke got me cancelled
from The Royal Variety Performance.

I just finished the last season,

Mohamed Al-Fayed was
a lovely man in that show.

No raping in that TV series.

He was a friendly rapist.

(LAUGHTER)

Cos I want to be accepted
by the mainstream.

You know, I want to be main...
I want to be like Ant and Dec.

(LAUGHTER)
Innit?

Not the one that drinks and drives,
the other one.

Who does c... I want to...
(LAUGHTER)

What I'm trying to say is
I want to be like Phillip Schofield.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)
I want to be...

(JEERING, GROANING)

I love Phillip Schofield.

(LAUGHTER)
Phillip Schofield was

our most beloved entertainer
on British television

for the past 25 years.

And he came out as being gay
on live TV, which is very difficult.

It was very brave of him,
cos in our community,

you can't come out in public,
you know?

(LAUGHTER)

Clearly...

we still can't come out.

Phillip Schofield came out,
he said, "I'm gay," and uh,

and then the Queen died.

And there was a massive queue

and allegedly Phillip Schofield
didn't want to get in that queue.

He said, "I ain't getting in that
queue, I'm Phillip Schofield."

And Phillip Schofield

allegedly jumped that entire queue.

And the British public were like,

"You're a paedophile, mate."

(LAUGHTER)

White people love a queue.

I've been in the middle
of a field before...

"Uh, you, you in a queue, mate?"

"You in this queue, mate?"
Just cows around and shit, Dave.

Even the word queue is long, innit?
Why isn't it just one letter, Q?

Why is it Q-U-E-U-E-U-E-U?

(LAUGHTER)

It's not pronounced
"queeueeueeeueeeu."

It's like the letters are in a queue
to get to the front of the queue.

I went to a gay club with my friend,
they said, "Get to the back."

It turns out
we were in an LGBT queue.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

I'm not sure
if the Asian crowd know what LGBT...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Cos I know our audiences still aren't
up to date with the...

"What do you mean? LGBT?
What? What the fuck?"

(LAUGHTER)
"LGBT, what? What the fuck?"

You guys know what LGBTQ is?

Do you know what it is?
Do you know what it stands for, yeah.

It's a type of TV, innit?
It's a type of TV?

(LAUGHTER)

OK, let me explain.

OK, L stands for lesbian.

OK, L is for lesbian.

There's a couple here at the front.
(LAUGHTER)

And I'm very inclusive.

G, gay.

B, Bengali.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

T, trans.

And Q for queue.

And then, uh, you know,
Phillip Schofield has been gay.

You kind of feel sorry a bit
for Phillip Schofield,

but he allegedly groomed someone

and, uh, his sidekick,
Holly Willoughby

properly stabbed him
in the back, innit?

Properly stabbed him in the back.

She didn't stand by him or anything.

"I'll stand here with you forever."

Then the allegations came out.
"Uh, yeah, we're finished now."

Didn't even pick up
his phone calls or anything.

And she made a public apology.
She came on TV

and the first thing she said
to us as a nation is,

"Are you OK?"

I remember I was in my pyjamas
and watching that, she goes,

"Are you OK?"

What the fuck's it got
to do with us?!

I started checking my balls and...
(SPEAKS INDIAN LANGUAGE)

"Am I OK?"

(LAUGHTER)

And do you know how I found out
that Phillip Schofield

was an alleged groomer?

I remember the day.

I put BBC News on, right,

and Huw Edwards told me.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

You can't make this shit up.

Cos I've just come back,
I tour all over the world now?

You know?
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you. You know,
I was the first ever British comedian

to perform in Saudi Arabia.

I was the first. They picked me.
(CROWD CHEERS)

I was picked by
the Royal Family Commission.

Me and Kevin Hart were booked.

(LAUGHTER)

I was a part of the Riyadh season
when it was launched.

When Tyson Fury fought
Francis Ngannou

in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.

If you don't know who Tyson Fury is,
he's a boxer

from the travelling community.

Do we have any travellers
in this evening?

No, I don't mean... I don't,

no, I don't mean
travelling from Luton.

(LAUGHTER)

"Yeah, I travel here."

Anyway, Tyson Fury is a traveller.
He is from the travelling community.

They will fuck you up.

"I'll fight you in the car park,
you bastard!

What the fuck you looking at,
you fucking bastard, like!"

"What you fucking looking at,
you pa..."

That voice...
(LAUGHTER)

From the travelling community,
you know.

And I was booked out there,
and obviously in England

you can say whatever
you want on stage.

And over there,
my show was pure halal.

Over here, you can't say
certain things on stage.

And over there you can't say
certain things like... jokes.

(LAUGHTER)

Jokes are illegal in Saudi Arabia.

You can't even insult someone
in the streets of Saudi Arabia.

That's a hate crime, right.
You know what it's like in London,

you can say whatever you want,
nothing will happen to you.

People swear at each other.
It's just a normal thing.

And over there is pure halal.
It's a hate crime.

If you swear at somebody, you get
put in prison for a hate crime.

You know what it's like in London.
People go, "Wanker!"

"Slag!"

"Who was that, John?"
"It's me mum and dad."

(LAUGHTER)

"It's wanker and slag, John."

(LAUGHTER)
You know what it's like.

I got into a road rage situation
out there

where some guy rammed
into the back of me,

which is also illegal
in Saudi Arabia.

(LAUGHTER)

Did you get it?
(LAUGHTER)

(SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE)

Do I have to spell these jokes out?

(LAUGHTER)

Alcohol is haram.

Good. Haram. Alright?

I'm into halal.

Are you guys Musalman or what?
What are you?

Sikhs.
Hindu Sikhs.

Hindu Sikhs?
(LAUGHTER)

You're trans?
(LAUGHTER)

No! Wait! I'm very...
Don't laugh at that.

Is it... Get a shot of
the first trans Hindu Sikh.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm a family-friendly comedian.

(LAUGHTER)

Look at the gora.

(LAUGHTER)

"I'm not going to laugh."

(LAUGHS) This gora shitting himself.

"I'm not even gonna point
the camera at the Bangladeshi.

I don't even know...
They're all the fucking same."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"Which one were you talking to?"

The fucking Bengali in the middle.
That one.

Alcohol is haram in Saudi Arabia.

As it should be, innit? Haram.

And whereas in this country,
alcohol is halal.

(CHEERING)

And it shouldn't be halal, innit?
But you think about it,

this country was built on alcohol.

You know when we colonised... sorry.

You know when you lot colonised...
(LAUGHTER)

Look at...

"It wasn't me mate, it was me dad."

(LAUGHTER)

"Me great-great-granddad,
don't fucking start on us."

I'm looking for
the white people here.

Look at John over there,
what's your name, mate?

You're the only white person
in that entire...

Look at Mary. "Say something, John."

(LAUGHTER)

"I'm really, really nervous."

"I think we're getting radicalised."

(LAUGHTER)

"This is really triggery."

"Shut the fuck up and laugh,
you slag."

(LAUGHTER)

"There's loads of 'em in tonight."

"I didn't know what
this show was about.

I thought he was gonna
take off on a carpet."

(LAUGHTER)

Cos, you know,
that's what I like about the, uh,

middle Eastern culture
in Saudi Arabia.

Crimes are on a minimal level.

You know what crime is like?
It's going up in London.

You walk about in London
with your mobile phone

looking for directions on your phone,
what will happen?

Some kid on an electric bike

will ride past you

and snatch that phone
out of your hands and ride off.

And the police can't chase them

in case they fall off their bikes.

Cos they've got human rights.

"I'm afraid we can't chase them,
but here's a crime reference number."

(LAUGHTER)

"They've got human rights
so we can't chase them, I'm afraid."

I'm gonna text my mates
with my crime reference number.

You do that in Saudi Arabia,
what will happen?

They'll chop your hands off, stick
you in a prison cell for 27 years.

When you come out, you'll be
stealing a phone with your foot.

(LAUGHTER)

And I'm not saying that we should
chop their hands off in this country,

I'm not a Conservative MP, right.
(LAUGHTER)

But what I am saying
is there need to be

more stringent sentences
in this country.

Like stick 'em in the prison cell

with some ex BBC
children's presenters.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Chuck in a Rolf Harris,
a Jimmy Savile, Huw Edwards

and an XL Bully.
(LAUGHTER)

If they get out, they're free to go.

And they banned
the XL Bully in this country.

You know that? The XL Bully is
an extra-large pitbull.

Whereas in America,
that would be a medium or a small.

(LAUGHTER)

XL Bully, yeah,
that's bang out of order.

Firstly, you've called it
an XL Bully.

You're fat shaming a dog.
(LAUGHTER)

You don't say,
"There's triple XL Sharon."

(LAUGHTER)

"There's fat wanker John."

No offence, mate.

(LAUGHTER)

"That's out of order, Paul.
Yeah, it's really bad.

Cos it's not the dog, is it?
It's not the breed, it's the owner.

It's actually the owner. It's not
the breed, it's the owner's fault.

It's not the breed.
It's always the owner."

Yeah? Well, how come
you don't see blind people

walking around with an XL Bully?

How come you don't see road men
with a golden Labrador?

"Yeah, I'm gonna get my lab on you.
Cuss me. What you gonna do, innit?

I got a lab, I got a lab, bro.
What you gonna do?"

You never see road men
with a golden Labrador.

I think it's got something to do...

with the breed,

which is the same reason
I haven't got a Bengal tiger

in my back garden.
(LAUGHTER)

Cos when the Bengal tiger
eats all the neighbours

and the police turn up
to shoot the Bengal tiger,

he's not gonna blame me, is he?

"Hey, don't shoot me,
I'm just Bengali tiger."

(LAUGHTER)

"Not my fault. I'm just a breed.
Shoot the fucking owner."

(LAUGHTER)

Cos we had the London riots
as well, literally a few months ago.

We had the London riots.
Did you guys have a good time?

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

"The fuck? How did he fucking know?"

(LAUGHTER)

He looks a proper "Tommy, Tommy!"

(LAUGHTER)

Proper geezer, mate.

Have you got an Indian girlfriend?
Yeah.Is it?

Bengali?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Stealing our women.

(LAUGHTER)

She's like, "David,
you have to come and watch it."

(LAUGHTER)

"You going to love it."

"Never fucking heard of him, Bushra."

(LAUGHTER)

"I don't know who the fuck
you're going on about, love.

I went out for a fucking Indian
and took you home, didn't I?"

"Fuck that..."

Uh, what's your name mate?
Graham.

Graham!
(LAUGHTER)

Fucking geezer.
What's your job, Gray?

I'm a carer.
(AUDIENCE AWWS)

You're a carer?

So that, you're caring for this...?
(LAUGHTER)

Mate, you're not supposed
to fuck 'em.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Anyway, I grew up
in the 1970s, right?

And they used to say things to us
like "They're coming over here, mate,

and they're nicking our jobs."

And I didn't think I'd ever
hear that phrase again, right,

until the London riots, when they're,
"They're coming over here, mate,

they're nicking our jobs."
What jobs?

(LAUGHTER)

These guys are all unemployed.
(LAUGHTER)

So, they used to say, we're
"coming over here and they're..."

What's your job my friend.
Driver.Driver?

Madam, you know
they can wait for you outside?

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

You don't have to bring him
into the gig.

"Abdul, I'm just gonna go in
and watch a show, love."

"Can I come with you?"

"I'm not sure.
See what happens, come in then."

"Uh, driver."
(LAUGHTER)

"What fucking show this, Claire?"

"Coming here nicking
our fucking jobs, you wanker."

And then I put my Instagram on
and there was a Sikh guy

on my Instagram feed
and he was on your side.

(LAUGHTER)

"Country has failed us."

"Government has failed us."

I thought I was watching AI.
(LAUGHTER)

I thought I was watching
an artificial Indian.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I bet, I bet there was racist
white people at home watching that

on their Instagram going,
"He's fucking nicked my job."

(LAUGHTER)

"We used to do that, you slag."

"They're coming over here
and nicking our job.

Football's coming home."
(CROWD CHEERS)

"Football's coming home, mate.
It's coming home!"

It's never coming home!

It's never coming home.
Cause if it ever comes home,

you're just gonna send it
back to its own country.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

"Football, come home.
Immigrants, go home."

Do you know what I mean?
Football, football fans make me

proud to be British.

You know the kind of football fans
that go to away games in Europe

and, you know, "Bollocks!"

"Smash their coffee shops in!"

"Take a shit on their kids."

(LAUGHTER)

"Wank on their wives."

"England!"

Make us proud to be British.

You know the kind of football fans,
you know what they did in the Euros?

And by the way,
female football fans don't...

It's not a race thing,
it's men and women.

Women won the Euros,
the Lionesses won the Euros.

They won it. They won it.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Because women are better than us.

(WOMEN CHEERING)

Innit? Even at football.

Look at the way,
how nicely behaved the women are,

even this evening.

They're all nicely behaved
at football stadiums.

There's no violence. They're all
nicely knitting together and...

..having mass synchronised periods.

(LAUGHTER)

As it should be, innit?

No football fans, nowadays...
How did the England football fans

celebrate when we got
to the finals of the Euros?

This is what they did:
they went down to Leicester Square

with a bag full of fireworks.

And then Dave took his mates
in the middle of Leicester Square,

it was all filmed
and put onto social media.

He took his mate into the middle
of Leicester Square

and then Dave bent his mate over.
(LAUGHTER)

And then pulled his pants down

and got a firework

and shoved it up his arse.

And then Dave lit that firework

and shot it into the sky.

I remember seeing that thinking,
"I'm proud to be British."

(LAUGHTER)

Protect the NHS, save lives,

shove a firework up your arsehole.

(LAUGHTER)

Imagine me
and Ballah over here, right...

(LAUGHTER)

..went to Leicester Square
with a bag full of fireworks.

(LAUGHTER)

And I bent Ballah over...

(LAUGHTER)

..and I gently pulled
his kuccha down...

(LAUGHTER)

..and I got a firework
and shoved it up...

his arse.

Even before I done that,
the police would've copped on.

"IC4, two darkies in the middle
of Leicester Square.

Shoving a firework up his arse.
Definite terrorism.

Shoot to kill, shoot to kill.

Definite terrorism, shoot to kill."

White people,
"Shove a firework up me arse, love."

You see, that's what
you call 'white privilege.'

(LAUGHTER)

Cause white people can do that.

We haven't got there yet
with race and relations.

And Ballah clearly wants me
to shove something up his arse.

(LAUGHTER)

But it's not a firework.

(LAUGHTER)

Cricket fans don't behave like that.
How come cricket fans are,

(QUIETLY) "It's coming home.
Cricket, coming home."

(LAUGHTER)

"Pakistan coming h..."

(LAUGHTER)

"Pakistan Zindabad,
coming home, coming home."

"India coming home."
It's not coming home.

My mate was involved
in the match fixing allegations

and he got sent to prison.
You don't want to get

put in prison for match fixing,

especially for a cricket game.
You're in there with convicted

murderers and crim...
"What are you inside for?"

"I'm murdered me wife and kids, mate.
What you inside for?"

"LBW."
(LAUGHTER)

"Bend over, mate."

"It's coming home, mate,
it's coming..."

(LAUGHTER)

I'm gonna get stick.
I know I'm gonna get stick.

Every show I do for years,
you always say,

"You're racist to white people,
Paul, in't ya?"

(LAUGHS)

"You always taking the piss
out of us, didn't ya, eh?

Right, who would you support
if England played India, eh?

Who would support if England
played Pakistan in the Euros?"

(LAUGHTER)

Some people didn't get
that joke this evening.

You shouldn't be here.

And look at you, "Pakistan better
not be in Europe, you slag.

(LAUGHTER)

"Leave means fucking leave."

"He's taking the piss,
this geezer, in't he?"

Do you know what I mean?
Cos white people went exploring once,

you know that? You know,
they went exploring and that's how

they found us.

(LAUGHTER)

Do you know that?
You know, we wouldn't be here

if they didn't go exploring.
"Let's go, let's go, Dean."

You know the kind of people that go
exploring, they love exploring.

"Let's go two and a half miles
into the ocean depths

in a submarine."

Don't do that.

Even fish don't go that deep.

I bet fish were looking
at those white people going,

"What? Why are they going
two and a half...

Even we don't go that deep, Brian."

I mean, I say white people
went exploring in a submarine,

but we know five people were
on that submarine expedition.

Three of them were white
and two of them were Pakistanis.

And the only reason
they got on that submarine

was because they got a discount.

(LAUGHTER)

And Asian people can't
turn down a discount.

(APPLAUSE)

"Get on the submarine!"
(SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE)

"I don't want to go there."
"Shut up!

Get inside, fucking float it."

I mean, what are you looking for?
The remains of the Titanic?

The Titanic sunk in 1997.

(LAUGHTER)

With Leonardo DiCaprio. Remember?

I saw that film, it sunk in 1997.

What was he looking for? What
you looking for down there, Brian?

(LAUGHTER)
I mean the picture

that he drew of Kate Winslet's
jugs and pum-pum?

(LAUGHTER)

Remember that, Brian?

There were no dick pics
in the Titanic era.

Even when you guys... Was there a
dick pic when you were around, John,

when you were growing up?
What did you do when you tried

to impress your missus?
You had to draw it!

(LAUGHTER)

"She's tasty, mate. Hang on a sec."

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

And for these fucking degenerates...

Indians are hairier, that's the joke.

(LAUGHTER)

"Yeah, let's go to India."
You know the kind of posh people

that go, "I'm gonna go and
find myself. Let's go to India.

I'm gonna find myself."

How are you gonna find
yourself in India?

"I'm just going to go.
I'm gonna go and find myself."

Well, go Leicester!
(LAUGHTER)

Go Birmingham. Go Bradford and shit.

People don't come to this country,
Indians don't come here

to find themselves.
They come here for employment.

"Let's go to England.
I'm gonna find myself."

And then they find themselves
working at Chicken Cottage.

(LAUGHTER)

And Dave comes in,
pissed out of his face,

"Give me a chicken wing, you slag!"

"I'm finding myself depressed."

"I'm finding myself suicidal."

(LAUGHTER)

And when I got into this business,
I thought I'm gonna get some...

I've been on TV a couple of times,
I'm gonna get some fit women.

(LAUGHTER)

Not one fit woman has ever
come up to me after my shows.

You know who comes up to me
after my shows?

Fucking, these Bengalis.
(LAUGHTER)

"Hey, hey, can we have selfie?
Selfie?

Paul, can we have selfie?

Kalpesh, get in, selfie?"
(LAUGHTER)

"Touch me, selfie, kiss.

Lick me, like, touch, get in selfie,

everybody get in selfie."

Fuck your selfie!
(SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE)

But sometimes you have to, you know.
One guy came up to me,

he said, "You know what, Paul?
Your comedy helped me through

a dark time in my life.
The wife left me,

the kids don't even
speak to me anymore,

but your comedy actually
got me through."

I said, "You know what, mate?
Just take the selfie."

(LAUGHTER)

"I ain't got time for this shit.

You might have fucked up your life,

but I'm trying to get some
pum-pum, rude boy!" I said.

"Pum-pum me a deal wid."

(LAUGHTER)

You know, I'm honoured
to have you guys here

for my fourth standup special.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

You know, because as you know,

I've been doing standup
for a long time now.

You know, over 25 years
I've been on the comedy stage.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you.

And when I started standup,
there wasn't much diversity

when it came to race,
gender, equality

within the entertainment spectrum.

I was the first ever
British Indian comedian

on BBC's Live at the Apollo in 2012.

I was the first to be on that show.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And in terms of diversity...

And it's great that things
are opening up now

and I was there way before
all the other comedians

in terms of our backgrounds.
I was there

way before that coconut Nish Kumar.

(LAUGHTER)

That wannabe road man Guz Khan.

And that googly-eyed Sri Lankan.
I was the first.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Don't, don't clap that. Don't clap.

Don't, don't... don't clap that.

Don't clap that.

MAN: Romesh!
Don't clap that.

That's the joke.
I know, "He mean Romesh."

(LAUGHTER)

Fuck, they got the joke,
you fucking idiot!

"He mean Romesh." That's why
they're laughing, you prick.

(LAUGHTER)

I did that joke and
them three found out about it.

And they weren't very happy.

In fact, Guz Khan comes backstage

at a Muslim charity show
I was doing in Birmingham.

And he said, "Bruv,
why did you say that, man?!

I swear, that's bang
out of order, bruv!

Man, we're Asian comedians, we're
supposed to stick together, bruv.

Man, Romesh is crying."

(LAUGHTER)

Apparently Romesh started crying,

so then I had to phone him up
and apologise.

"Alright, Romesh?"
"Alright, mate, how you doing, mate?"

"I'm good, man."
"Oh, what happened?

What did you say about me?"

"Well, I just did a joke."
"But what did you say?"

"Well, I didn't mean it..."
"But wh—what did you say?"

"I said you were a googly-eyed...

Sri Lankan."
(LAUGHTER)

And don't get me wrong, right,
I love my Sri Lankan fans.

Where's all my Sri Lankan fans today?

(SCATTERED CHEERING)

(LAUGHTER)

I love all two of 'em.
All two of my...

What's your name, my friend,
my Sri Lankan friend?

Ginita.
"Ginita."

(LAUGHTER)
Is that your Sri Lankan name?

Yeah.
G-I... N-T-A.

Close enough.
Close enough?

(LAUGHTER)

What, a Sri Lankan with, like,
five letters in their name?

(LAUGHTER)

So, Sri Lankan people,

I mean you can verify this for me,
my Sri Lankan friend.

When Sri Lankan kids are born,
this is how their parents name them.

This is a fact, actually.
When Sri Lankan kids are born,

their dad gets a Scrabble box...

(LAUGHTER)

"Put your hand inside it!

Shake it, shake it!
Keep on shaking it!

Shake it, shake it!

R-O-S-T...

Y-6-7-9...

6-5-T-S...

9-6-12-15...

squiggle-squiggle-T...

consonant-consonant...
vowel-consonant...

(GIBBERING UNINTELLIGIBLE
SRI-LANKAN NAME)

..nathan.

(LAUGHTER)

And then the Polish thought,
"That's a good idea."

(LAUGHTER)

But Guz Khan was right, you know.
I should be proud

of my fellow Asian comedians
that are doing so well

in the industry,
because over 25 years ago,

I opened up the doors
and they walk right through.

(LAUGHTER)
I'm proud.

I'm proud that they're doing so well
and diversity in entertainment,

and I'm proud that they're getting
multiple deals with Netflix,

Channel 4, ITV, Sky, BBC,
making millions of pounds.

I'm proud of that coconut Nish Kumar,
wannabe road man Guz Khan,

and that googly-eyed bitch,
I'm proud...

(LAUGHTER)
I'm proud of them. I'm proud.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

They haven't gone
from selling out Wembley Arena

to some shit hole in Euston...

(LAUGHTER)

I've come back to these dumps,
to these fucking degenerates.

Who's really made it?
(INDISTINCT CALLING OUT)

"No, Romesh, Romesh. He made it.

You are shit.

Look at your audience.
All fucking stupid."

(LAUGHTER)

I do shows all over the world now.
I did a show recently in Bangladesh.

(CHEERING)
Thank you.

Sorry, I mean Bethnal Green.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I just want to make sure you're
feeling very included tonight,

my white fr... brothers.

I did a show in Bangladesh.
Sorry, I mean Bethnal Green.

Did you get it? You guys got it?

John, you got it, yeah?
What was the joke?

(LAUGHTER)

Look at John.
"Don't say shit, mate."

(LAUGHTER)

"It's a fucking setup."

(LAUGHTER)

Just want to make it very clear,
you know, there's been racism

for a long time,
but it's our turn now.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

You're gonna be in Rwanda
by the end of the gig.

(LAUGHTER)

I want to make it...
I just want to make everyone

feel very included, you know,
cos I know a lot of white people

don't understand a lot cos there's so
many different types of Asians now.

You know, a lot of white people
go to Dishoom thinking

they go to Indian restaurants.
(LAUGHTER)

"Oh, I love a Dishoom,
let's go to Dishoom."

Indian people don't go Dishoom.
You think these guys go Dishoom?

They go Gghhhhh-Kebab.

(LAUGHTER)

And Ggkkkgggg-Karai.

They ain't paying £5 a roti.

They ain't paying £5 a meal,
these twats.

(CROWD CHEERS)

Look, there's so many
different types of Asians.

There's billions of us. You've got
the different types of restaurants.

You've got the vegetarian
restaurants, which are mainly

the Gujarati restaurants, the Gujas.
(CROWD CHEERS)

The Guja restaurants.

The... (SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE)
which is, uh... (LAUGHTER)

That means, I think
that means hello in Gujarati.

Guju, they come
from the north of India.

They're actually the original vegans.

They invented veganism
before it was trendy,

as part of their religion
within Hinduism.

Where's all my Gujus?
(CROWD CHEERS)

Are you Guju?

Are you Guju?
(LAUGHTER)

Got no energy, see, vegans.
(LAUGHTER)

(SNORING)
(LAUGHTER)

"Eh? Woo!"

And then you got the Muslim
community, the Musalmans,

right, which are the more halal.

Pure halal.
Then you got the Bengalis as well.

Which are... Are you guys Bengali?
(CHEERING)

The Bengalis.
Whereabouts is your restaurant?

(LAUGHTER)

Biggest restaurant trade
in England is the Bengalis,

which is also halal,

but more oil in it.

(LAUGHTER)

And do you know why there
are so many Bangladeshi

and Bengali restaurants in Brick Lane
and all around England,

and they call them
Indian restaurants?

The reason being is cos
when they came here in the 70s,

they couldn't get jobs
in Indian restaurants

cos the Indians
wouldn't give them jobs

because they were from Bangladesh.

They say, "No, you can't,
Bangladeshi, you can't have job."

(LAUGHTER)

So, what they did is
they were entrepreneurs.

They opened up their own restaurants
and called it 'Indian restaurant.'

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Because white people didn't want
to go to Bangladeshi restaurants.

"What the fuck's a Bengali, mate?
Fuck knows.

I want a Ruby Murray, you slag."

(LAUGHTER)

They're like,
"Just call it 'Indian restaurant.'"

"But we're from Bangladesh?"
"White people don't know shit!"

(LAUGHTER)

"They don't know.
They think we're all the same.

Indian restaurant."

Cos white people, you know,
you don't even know,

that's why you need
to learn this, John.

I know when you go out for it,
"Oh, I'm gasping, mate, at the pub.

I need to soak this up, mate.
I need a Ruby, my son."

And the Bengalis, they know
how to make the profit margins.

"I am gasping for a curry, mate."

And the Bengalis are like,
"They're coming."

(LAUGHTER)
"White people are coming.

Get the oil. Get the oil!

Get the oil!"

(LAUGHTER)

"More oil!

More oil!

Bring the chicken!"

(MAKES 'POP' NOISE)
(LAUGHTER)

"Mix it in the oil! Mix it!

More oil!"
(LAUGHTER)

White people go,
"Fuck, this is tasty, my son.

I've got to take a shit
while I'm eating it.

It's going right through me,
you slag.

Fucking, Abdul, this is nice, mate.
What is it, mate?"

"It's a...
(SPEAKS INDIAN LANGUAGE) special."

"It's going right through me, Abdul!"

There's so much oil in Bengali food.

So much oil, but Just Stop Oil

never protest at their restaurant.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

They're like, "Cook him!
Put him on the kebab."

(LAUGHTER)

Just Stop Oil,
what a bunch of wankers they are.

It's always posh English people.
"Let's lie down on the M25

and stop emergency services
getting to hospital.

Yeah, that's gonna be great.
We need to show them."

We emit 3% of emissions in the world.

Try that in China or India

who emit the most emissions
around the world.

Try that in Mumbai traffic.
(LAUGHTER)

You lie down in Mumbai traffic,

those Indians ain't
gonna stop for shit!

"Yeah, let's lie down in the Mumbai
traffic. It's gonna be great.

We're really gonna show them."
It'll be like,

"White people lying down in road?"

(LAUGHTER)

"People lying on the road?"

"Drive faster. Drive."
(LAUGHTER)

"Reverse, kill him!"
(SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE)

"You're hurting me, Kalpesh."

(LAUGHTER)

You know, this is a fact.
Indian people live

everywhere around the world, Bengali,
most Asian people around the world

live around every airport
in the world.

Biggest population of Indians
is around airports. You know that?

You know why? Cos when we got here,
we go to a taxi,

"Where'd you wanna go, mate?"

"I want to go London."

"That's 45 quid, mate."

"Fuck it, I live here!"
(LAUGHTER)

"We stay in Slough,
Southall, Ealing, Hayes."

(CROWD CHEERS)

How come we drive everyone
all over the world?

You're a driver, yeah?
We drive everyone all over the world.

But not one of us is in Formula One?

(LAUGHTER)

What's your name?
Tony.Tony?

Is it fuck, what's your Bengali name?
(LAUGHTER)

It ain't Tony. I've never got an Uber

and it says, "Tony is on his way."
(LAUGHTER)

It's always...
(UNINTELLIGIBLE, GUTTURAL NOISES)

(CONTINUES UNINTELLIGIBLY)

"..is outside."

Forget it, I'll walk.
(LAUGHTER)

You ever get an Uber, right,
and they want to have a conversation

with you to get a five star?
"How are you, brother?

Everything nice?"
(LAUGHTER)

(ROLLING 'R' SOUNDS)
"Brother, everything nice?

Everything nice, brother?
Everything nice?"

Everything would be nice
if you looked out the windscreen.

(LAUGHTER)

We're gonna crash
into that tree in a minute.

So many dialects
and accents now in England.

And they said the friendliest
accent is the northern accent.

The north of England
are the friendliest.

We're the unfriendliest in London.

(IN EXAGGERATED ACCENT)
"Al—Alright, mate, I'm northern.

Where you from, mate?

Fucking hell, I'm London."

(GRUNTING)

Any northerners in?

Oh, alright, mate? How are you, mate?

You alright, my son?
I'm from Huddersfield."

Well, take a shit
and come back and speak to me.

(LAUGHTER)

Why do you sound constipated?

"I'm northern, mate."

You call up all the insurance
companies, all the call centres

are actually based up north
now in England.

"Alright, mate, British Telecom,
how can I help you, mate?

Can I get your account number,
your post code?

Your mother's maiden name?

And I'm from Huddersfield."

I don't know what you're saying, man.

Yeah, put me through to somebody
who can actually speak English.

Yeah, put me through
to a call centre in India.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Nothing more British than,

(IN INDIAN ACCENT) "Hello,
British Telecom, David speaking."

(LAUGHTER)

"Yeah, I'm in Lei-chester Square.

Outside Tittenham Cart Road.

My name? Michael Douglas."
(LAUGHTER)

You know,
sometimes I wish I was white.

Not... Not like your white,
like Rishi Sunak white.

(LAUGHTER)

Rishi Sunak's so white,
he makes Boris Johnson look Jamaican.

(LAUGHTER)

You know, the...
(MIMICS BORIS JOHNSON UNINTELLIGIBLY)

Is that how...?
He doesn't talk, it's an act.

(MIMICS BORIS JOHNSON UNINTELLIGIBLY)

How many kids you got?
(MIMICS BORIS JOHNSON)

"Pepper Pig."
(LAUGHTER)

It's not halal.
(LAUGHTER)

We lived through a pandemic,
like literally a war in this country.

Remember we had rules? Literally two
or three years ago, we had rules

in this country. You could only
hang around with six people.

Think about it.
That's a white people rule.

Six people, white people,
it's like four and a half families.

(LAUGHTER)

Six people for these Indians is
the queue to the bathroom.

(LAUGHTER)

Indians went mad
when that wedding rule turned out,

you can only hang around
with 15 people at a wedding.

"Not the wedding!
Not the fucking wedding."

Cos 15 people at a white wedding's
a normal white wedding.

"I'll invite Dave, Bungle, George,
Jeffrey, me next-door neighbour."

(LAUGHTER)

"Six, that's registry,
stamp the book.

You're married, you slag."

Cos no Indians had
15 people at a wedding.

Are you married?

Is any Indian couples here married?
(CHEERING)

Yeah? Yeah? Uncle,
how many people came to your wedding?

400.
400?!

And that was in the second wave.
(LAUGHTER)

400?

And that, she goes,
"That's a small wedding.

Just my brothers and sisters came."

(LAUGHTER)

400 people, that's like a big we...

Like, the only good thing to come out
of the past few years is...

Listen to this.

Do you hear that? Did you hear that?

No one coughs anymore.
(LAUGHTER)

Coughing has become the new fart.

People would rather do
a tatti and peshaab on the floor

than cough in public.

You know, coughing...
(CLEARS THROAT) "Are you alright?"

"No, tickly throat.
It's not COVID, tickly throat.

Just a tickle."

Coughing, like, I don't cough,
especially on the tube.

White people shit themselves.

I might as well shout out,
"Allahu akbar."

(LAUGHTER)

And then the white people will fart.
(LAUGHTER)

(CLEARS THROAT HEAVILY)

"Are you alright?"
"Just a tickly throat, not COVID."

That's a white cough.
Asians are... (COUGHS THROATILY)

It's like a tatti and a peshaab.
By the way, John,

tatti is shit in Punjabi
and peshaab is piss.

Tatti-peshaab, right?
And I did this show

at the Edinburgh Festival
in Scotland.

I didn't realise tatti means
something else in Scotland.

Tatti is shit in Punjabi,
and in Scotland,

a tatti is a jacket potato.

(LAUGHTER)

So, Indian tourists didn't
know what was going on.

Delicious tattis being sold.

(LAUGHTER)

"They eat tatti here?"
(SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE)

"Eat tatti?"

"Come inside and eat
my lovely tatti."

(LAUGHTER)

"Glorious steaming tattis, love."

"You keep your tatti, I'll keep
my tatti!" (SPEAKS INDIAN LANGUAGE)

"I'm not eating nobody's tatti."

(COUGHING THROATILY)

That's an Asian cough, innit?
White people... (RETCHING COUGH)

(CLEARS THROAT) "I've got this
tickly throat, it's just tickly."

Asians are... (COUGHS THROATILY)

(COUGHING THROATILY, RETCHES)

What are these noises then?
What do they mean?

(CONTINUES COUGHING)

(LAUGHTER)

(GARGLING)

(COUGHS) They bring out the soul.

(PROLONGED COUGH)

After dinner... (COUGHS THROATILY)

What are these noise...
What does that mean?

(COUGHING, RETCHING) What is that?

Even John, "What does it mean?
I don't know, fuck's sake.

I've been hearing it
for years, mate."

(CONTINUES COUGHING)

In Bangladesh that means,
"Will you marry me?"

(LAUGHTER)

(COUGHS) "I will."

(COUGHS) Who wants some help?

"Ah, diabetes."

(COUGHS) "Leukaemia, ay."

(COUGHING)

Are you alright, uncle?
"No."

What's the matter?
(COUGHS THROATILY) "Headache."

(LAUGHTER)

You look like the kind of guy,
if you met Jeffrey Dahmer,

he'd say he's not hungry.
(LAUGHTER)

Jeffrey Dahmer as well
was a cannibal serial killer.

He was a white man that lived
in a black neighbourhood in America,

and he got away with it because...

he was white
and the police were racist.

You know that?
He was a cannibal serial...

He ate people,
he murdered them and ate them.

His first victim was actually a white
man. He killed him and ate him.

But then the rest of his victims were
all from ethnic minority groups.

He murdered them and ate them,
which goes to prove...

white people are very bland.

(LAUGHTER)

What would you rather eat?
Some chicken tikka masala,

rogan josh,
or bacon sarnies over here?

(LAUGHTER)

You know in horror films,
there's always like a dead white kid

that wants to kill his parents.
That's just a normal white kid.

(LAUGHTER)

"I'm gonna kill you, Mum!
I'm gonna kill you."

You know, back in the 70s,
there was a film called The Exorcist.

Child was possessed by the devil.

You know that? Child was possessed
by the devil itself.

And they used to think, "Oh,
he's got the devil in that kid."

No, maybe he's got...
maybe he's got learning difficulties.

(LAUGHTER)

Maybe he's got mental health issues.

There was no Asperger's,
there was no ADHD in the 70s.

No, it was the devil inside that kid.
(LAUGHTER)

So, how did they cure that child?
You know what they did?

They brought a priest to the house,

and then they locked that priest
in the room...

(DISAPPROVING LAUGHTER)

..with the child

to get the devil out of them.

Getting a priest
to look after your kid

is like getting a Korean restaurant
to look after your dog. Just...

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

The thing about these horror films,

there's always a dead white kid
running around. "Hehe!"

(MIMICS FOOTSTESPS)
"Who was that?"

"Hehe.

Hehe. Hehehe."
(MIMICKING FOOTSTEPS)

You turn around,
he's just disappeared.

(CONTINUES CHUCKLING MENACINGLY)

Who's chasing this little bastard?
"Hehe."

And then R Kelly comes in.
"Hehe."

(LAUGHTER)

Who's chasing? R Kelly
and Michael Jackson, "Hee-hee!"

Then P Diddy comes in. "Hee!"

(LAUGHTER)

Who's chasing? R Kelly,
P Diddy and Michael Jackson

and Prince Andrew. "Pizza Express!"

(CHUCKLES)

Like the Human Centipaedo.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Cos I'm a family-friendly
entertainer. (CROWD CHEERS)

You know, I want to be...

I want to be like...
I want to be like Tom Cruise.

I want to publicise this special
like Tom Cruise publicised

the last Mission Impossible film.

He landed a helicopter

in some Mary's garden in Birmingham.

"Oh, my god,
Tom Cruise is in the garden!

I can't believe it, love!"

I want to do that. Imagine me
and Abdul over here, right...

(LAUGHTER)
..got a helicopter

and we wanted to land it
in Mary's garden.

We couldn't do that. Imagine that.

We were flying a helicopter
at low altitude...

..towards residential houses.
(LAUGHTER)

"Fucking hell, two darkies are
flying towards the house, love!

They're gonna crash!"
"Police IC4U,

two darkies flying at low altitude.

Definite terrorism.
Shoot to kill, shoot to kill."

White people,
"Shove a firework up me arse, Dave."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Cos I know a lot of married
couples are out here now.

And I don't believe in love marriage.

I believe in halal arranged marriage.

My brothers and sisters, arranged?

Yes.
Mashallah.

(LAUGHTER)
She said,

"No, he... he's not my husband."

(LAUGHTER)

All these dating shows are stolen
from us in the first place.

All these dating shows on TV.

Married at First Sight.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

They call it a social experiment

where a team of experts
match up total strangers

who meet for the very first time
on their wedding day.

I wonder where
they got that idea from?

We've been doing that for years,
innit?

That's when you met your cousin.

(LAUGHTER)

Innit?
(APPLAUSE)

He goes, "No, no, no,
it's my second cousin."

(LAUGHTER)
"No, not first cousin.

Don't tell my parents, don't tell."

We went through this, you know.
White people don't...

You don't have to go through this,
John, you're lucky.

"Son, marry whoever you want, love,
we just want you to be happy."

Asian people don't want
their kids to be happy.

"Indian must marry Indian!

Muslim, Muslim. Bengali, Bengali.
Guju, Guju!

Not white, not black,
not good... Same!

Nothing else!"

But when the kid gets a bit older,
the parents get a bit more lenient.

"Just get married to something!"

(LAUGHTER)

"White, black, Chinese, trans,

non-binary, Sam Smith...

Bring Sam Smith!"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"Marry they/their mother.

Just get married..."
(SPEAKS INDIAN LANGUAGE)

(LAUGHTER)

Cos I'm looking for the couples here,
I'm looking for this...

It's proper Bengali in the front.
(LAUGHTER)

I'm just looking for the diversity
in the audience.

You're a couple. You're a couple.

You over there, mate.
What's your name, son?Gareth.

Gareth! Alright, my son!

Oi, oi.

Go on, my son. Is that your Doris?

Your missus?! Go on, my son.

These guys are quite brave,
she's actually touching her husband

which you don't generally see.
Look at this halal couple.

She's even, "Oh..."

(LAUGHTER)

"You sit there, I sit here.
No touching, no touching."

We don't do public displays
of affection.

"Oh, no, you sit there, I sit there.
No touching, no touching."

Look at Gareth,
"Stick your hand on me lap, love."

(LAUGHTER)
"Oi, oi!

Stick your tongue down me throat,
fuck's sake."

"No touching. No touching.
Please don't touch.

Don't touch me. People are here,
uncle is here, aunty over there.

No touching, no touching."

"Bang me in the car park
or the bike shed or on the skip."

"No touching, no touch. Don't touch.

Pure halal.
No touching. No touching."

Only touch me at home.
Shut the curtain, turn off the light.

Just touch my neck here.
No touching, no more touching.

Just this spot. No touching."
(LAUGHTER)

"Bang me on the car bonnet,
you wank!"

"No touching. No..." (LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"No touching."

All these haram shows like
Naked Attraction and all this like...

A naked attraction?
That's not halal, is it?

(SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE)

This is dating now in 2020...?

(SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE)
..on a TV show?

And then they got to go
to work the next day.

"Did you see John from accounts
with his knob out?"

(LAUGHTER)

"I couldn't believe it.
He had his knob out on TV."

"That's me, love, I had me dick out
on Channel 4 last night."

"How did you meet Dad?"

"I saw his knob on TV.

I thought he's the one for me."

(LAUGHTER)

And they're just there, "What'd you
think of number three's bollocks?"

(LAUGHTER)

Standing like some idiot.

I want to see that show released
in the Middle East, in Saudi Arabia.

That wouldn't be released
in the Middle East.

It'd be called Naked Eye-Traction.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

There wouldn't be a date at the end,
there'd be a beheading.

(LAUGHTER)
Look at John.

"I think this is the bit
where he teaches Sharia law, man."

Cos you, you could see, you got...
English, but you got kids?

No, anyone got kids?
Two.How old are they?

13 and 14.
13 and 14.

When the kissing scene comes on TV,
what do you do?

Don't do nothing.
Nothing, see?

(LAUGHTER)

Nothing.

Mushra, what do you...
what did your parents do?

(LAUGHTER)

They threw the TV out the window.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE)

Haram fucking TV!

Haram!

Look at him. "13, 14,
they're old enough, you wanker.

They moved out years ago."
(LAUGHTER)

"They're 13 and 14,
get a job, you little slag.

Scrounging off me, you wanker."

You can watch a kissing...
Nothing. (LAUGHS)

Look, look at this haram.

Watching a kissing scene on T...
"Here, son,

have a look at that, mate.

Look at that.
Call your sister downstairs.

Turn it up.

Have a look at that, my son.
Look at the stroke on that."

"Who's that, Daddy?"
"It's me and your mum, that is."

(LAUGHTER)

"That's me and your mum, my son.

That's when you were conceived,
you little slag.

I know you're 13, fucking watch.

Watch and learn, my son."

Innit, Mushra?
(LAUGHTER)

Tell your second cousin
what I'm talking about.

He like, "Is... Is haram."

(LAUGHTER)

Because I'm here,
I'm a family-friendly comedian now.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

If the family live in Saudi Arabia.

Cos I'm here now to come out
as a family-friendly entertainer

and apologise for any jokes
that may have offended anyone.

So, if any jokes
have offended anyone,

I'm here to apologise
for any material

over the past 25 plus years
that I've been on these stages.

Because a lot of jokes have got me...
No, comedy has changed,

that's why I'm more
family-friendly now.

(LAUGHTER)

As you've discovered
from this evening.

(LAUGHTER)

It's been very inclusive.

It's been very family-friendly.

And, uh, if anyone was offended,
I want to say on TV

and publicly,

if you were offended by any of my
material, I'm here to apologise.

I have to.

I've got to get back on TV.
(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

As you can see,
I'm a family-friendly entertainer.

That's why this is always on stage.

Do you know where I got this, right?

I do shows all over the world,

in some of the most prestigious
parts of the world,

and I did a show in Bradford.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING)

And a lot of you know this about me,

but Salman Rushdie has got
a fatwa on his life

because of a book he wrote
called The Satanic Verses.

And the Ayatollah Khomeini
put a fatwa on him,

which is the death penalty.
And I've also got a fatwa on my life

because of some of the jokes
I did ten years ago

about Zayn Malik from One Direction.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

But have you noticed that Zayn Malik
has never performed live since?

You're welcome.
(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

And this got thrown at me
on the stage when I was on.

So, you can't see much on the stage
because the lights are pointing

towards your face,
and you're blinded by the lights.

And some Tracy was in the audience
when I was on stage

and goes, "Paul! Paul, have this!"

And she chucked that at me.

And all I saw was this
flying through the air.

(LAUGHTER)

Aiming towards my face.

And I picked it up and I said,
"What's that?"

She goes, "Paul, it's you!"

(LAUGHTER)

How is that me?

(LAUGHTER)

Me if I looked like
the serial killer Fred West?

She goes, "No, Paul,
take his top off!"

What for?

And I took his top off
and he had abs.

(CROWD CHEERS)

(LAUGHTER)

But the worst was yet to come.

She goes,
"Paul, take his trousers off!"

(LAUGHTER)

This better be halal.

"Take his trousers off!"

Fucking... (SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE)

Lund!

(SPEAKING INDIAN LANGUAGE)

What kind of a lund is that?

(LAUGHTER)

That is not a lund. I said,
"What kind of a lund is that?"

And then she threw something else
at me, a bigger lund!

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

I'm a family-friendly entertainer.

(LAUGHTER)

So, that's why I'm here
to apologise for any material

that may have offended someone
in the audience

over the past few years.

Especially, almost, the last show
got me into a lot of trouble.

The Michael Jackson jokes,
people got offended by.

"You shouldn't do that,
bang out of order." Cos I said,

it's not right to sleep in a bed
with children you're not related to.

I think that's wrong.
"But Michael Jackson can do that!

You're out of order."

(MIMICKING MICHAEL JACKSON)
"What's wrong with sharing your bed

with a kid?"

Let them sleep in my bed
and see what happens.

"That's out of order, that is.
That's bang out of order."

They got offended by that, and then
they got offended by that one joke

I did in the show, which was
the Madeleine McCann routine.

That...
(LAUGHTER)

I'm not gonna do the joke
tonight for obvious reasons.

I don't want anyone to get upset.
So, I'm not gonna do

the joke this evening.
I'm not gonna do it.

(CROWD JEERING) I'm not gonna do it.
No, I'm not gonna do the joke.

I'm not gonna do the joke.
No, I'm not gonna do the joke.

I'm not gonna do it.
What I basically said was...

(LAUGHTER)

What I said was, I know what
Madeleine McCann's parents

would've felt like
when they lost their child

cos I went through
a similar experience

when I lost my iPhone.

(LAUGHTER)

I told you I shouldn't have done it.
(LAUGHTER)

See, now look what's happened,
at the end of the show.

So, if anyone was offended,
that wasn't my intention.

I didn't mean it like that.

"Why'd you do it then?
You should be cancelled,

you shouldn't do jokes like that.
You're out of order, offensive,

you shouldn't do comedy
like that anymore.
It's unacceptable. You're not nice.

You're not funny, you're shit."

Well, "Why'd you do it then?"
Because comedy can be used

to break down barriers,
tackle social issues

and tackle the adversities in life
and help us through issues.

"But why did you have to?
That's bang out of order.

It's not funny.
It's offensive actually."

Well, cos, if you don't know,

Madeleine McCann was a young girl
that got kidnapped in Portugal

16 years ago. And to this day,
she hasn't been found.

And what I'm trying to do
on this stage

is raise awareness.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

And if I can raise awareness,
I believe, because of me,

one day, Madeleine McCann

will be found.

Thank you.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thank you.

And when I go home at night,

I tell her that.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Thanks a lot.
You've been a great crowd.

I appreciate it, thanks a lot.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

# PHILIP BAILEY, PHIL COLLINS:
Easy Lover #

# She's an easy lover

# She'll get a hold on you,
believe it

# Like no other

# Before you know it
you'll be on your knees

# She's an easy lover

# She'll take your heart
but you won't feel it

# She's like no other

# And I'm just trying to make you
see

# You're the one
that wants to hold her

# Hold her and control her... #

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