All language subtitles for American.Pie.Reunion.2012.Unrated.1080p.BluRay.x264.YIFY-en

(SOULFUL RandB MUSIC PLAYING)

(BED SQUEAKING)

Is he asleep yet?

Yeah, I'll go put him to bed.

(SIGHS)

R. Kelly always
does the trick.

I think Evan may be
developing a rash.

You know, when you rub
the Aquaphor on his tush,

you can't just
put it on his cheeks,

you have to rub it
all over the anus, too.

All over the anus, got it.

I think I'm going
to take a bath, okay?

Okay, babe.
Go for it.

00:02:47,418
Evan, don't touch that!

Don't...

Daddy, boo-boo.

What the...

Oh, my God.

Okay, don't move.
Stay here.

Daddy needs
a Band-Aid.

(MICHELLE MOANING)

Michelle?

Do you...

Mommy, Daddy, are you okay?

(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Jim Levenstein.

They still haven't gotten
you an assistant yet, huh?

Kev, I'm sorry, I've been
meaning to call you back.

I've just been...
Busy?

I get it.

Look, I'll make
this quick, okay?

The reunion, you in?

Hold on, is that
really happening?

Yeah, man, check your Facebook.

Look, I know they missed
the ten-year by a couple,

but, you know, seems like
people are actually going.

Hey, hon.
Hey!

Mmm. Dinner
smells great.

Hey, Ellie.

ELLIE: Hey, Jim

Ooh, Bachelorette finale later.

And don't forget, we still
have to watch Real Housewives.

Yeah, how could I forget?

Hey, Kev, you know who
my favorite housewife is?

You.

Very funny.

Look, I love my wife, but I
need a weekend with the guys.

Come on, we'll go a few days early.
No Stifler this time.

Just you, me, Oz and Finch.

Yeah, well,
good luck with that.

I heard Finch's mom doesn't
even know where he is.

And what about Oz?

I mean, do you really think he would
come with all he has going on?

And we're back
here on Sports View,

with my special guest,
Chad Ochocinco.

Chad, which college
football powerhouse

is gonna have the most players
drafted in this year's draft?

I'm gonna have to go with my
alma mater, the Oregon State.

Come on, man! What are
you smoking, Ocho?

You think I don't know
what I'm talking about?

Do me a favor,
take a look at the tape.

Hey, babe, I'm home!

And that wraps it up for my
special guest, Chad Ochocinco.

This is Chris Ostreicher reminding
you to play on, (IN FALSETTO) playa!

Hey, Mia?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my gosh!
So funny. (LAUGHING)

Oh, hey, baby!

Hi!

I was just watching
your show a minute ago.

Oh, yeah?

Is everything okay?

You tell me. You're in the
hot tub with another dude.

You are worried about Deshaun?

Aw, that is so cute!

Deshaun's the interior
decorator I told you about.

Hey, Christopher!

Strip down!
Come join us.

Maybe next time, Deshaun.

I still don't get why we
need an interior decorator.

Because the place needs to look
perfect for the InStyle shoot.

Babe, trust me.

Remember how you didn't wanna go
on Celebrity Dance Off at first?

Now think of all
the fans you have.

Oh! I almost forgot, Mario Lopez
is having a Memorial Day party.

I told him we're in.

00:08:10,491
"Oh, I am the best."
"Yes, you are the..."

"You know, I love you so much that I'm
going to just have some fun down here."

"Oh, yeah, yeah..."

What the hell are you doing?
Jesus Christ!

Shit, sorry, Mr. Duraiswamy
It's... I was just...

Huh? That's good,
it's all clean.

I told you to print out the morning
numbers and put them on my desk,

and you're making
yourself at home?

No, I just thought...
(MOCKING) "I just thought..."

I don't pay you to think.
You are a temp.

Yeah, about that. I feel like I'm
being way underutilized here.

Oh, you do, do you?

Thank you for telling
me how you feel.

Do you mind if I
tell you how I feel?

I feel the sooner you realize
that you're the bitch,

not the boss,

(WHISPERING) the better
off you will be.

(WHISPERS) Fucker.
What was that?

Nothing!

Nothing, Mr. Duraiswamy.

(LOUDLY) Fucker!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

You know, we still haven't
discussed the whole

bathtub incident.

Huh? Oh, that?
That's...

That...
Don't worry about that.

Well, I mean,
you know, obviously,

I would prefer it
if I was the one

that made you
feel that way, but...

I know how you feel.

Every time I want to shop online
and I start typing "Amazon,"

"amazingcollegesluts.com"
pops up.

Amazing what?

Okay, look, obviously

we need to have
more fun together.

I promise you, this weekend,

there is going to be plenty of
Jim and Michelle time, okay?

Hey!

Hello, sweetheart.

How are you?
Oh!

It's so good to see you.
JIM: Hey, Dad.

Hello, son!
Come here.

Hi! Hi!

LEVENSTEIN: Oh, no!
Look who that is!

Look at this big bruiser!
Oh, my goodness!

He has grown. LEVENSTEIN:
Look at him! Huh?

Someone's got
a little poopy diaper.

(PUNK MUSIC BLARING)

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Jim?

I can't believe it's you.

You don't remember me, do you?

Uh...
Remember Teletubby Tuesdays?

Kara?

Oh, my God.

What? You're not
a kid any more.

It's been a long time since
I needed a babysitter.

I can't believe how
much you've grown up.

Thanks!

It's actually my 18th
birthday tomorrow.

Eighteen, wow.

You should come to my party.

Oh, uh...

Thank you, no. I... Yeah,
that might be difficult.

Please, I want you
to come so bad.

Hey, Kara!
We gotta go.

Okay, relax.

That's AJ. Don't ask.

Hopefully I will
see you tomorrow.

What?
AJ: Who the fuck was that?

Hey, sweetie.

Hey.

Who were you talking to?

That was just
the kid next door.

00:18:01,790
JIM: What?
00:18:59,347
Talk about an ugly duckling
turning into a swan, right?

Let me see that.

Oh! Fingered her,
hairy nips, huge boobs.

Oh. (MOANS)

There she is!

The créme de my cock.

Blowjob Lipstein.

Her given name
was Loni, Stifler.

She used to call me Big Stiffy.

She was the mouth
that got away.

Last call!

Already?
Wait here, guys.

Oh! Man,
the Senior Wish List.

Wish List?
I don't remember that.

Oh, yeah, man. It's that
cheesy page in the yearbook

where we all had to write
wishes about our future.

What, did you write something cheesy?
Let's see.

"Chris Ostreicher. Hopes to
coach his son's lacrosse team."

Oh! Isn't that the
sweetest thing?

Well,

I guess I thought
I'd have a family by now.

All right, you wanna hear
what you wrote, Finch?

FINCH: I do.

"Paul Finch hopes to
find le grand amour."

Yes, true love.

Alas, I have yet to find what you
would call a real relationship.

Right, because banging
Stifler's mom didn't count.

OZ: All right, let's see
what you got, Kev.

"Kevin Myers. Hopes to
still be living it up"

"with the amazing
Vicky Lathum."

Oh, man! Vicky! What?

I am sure your wife would
be very happy to read that.

What? I was dating
Vicky at the time.

Let me see what I put.

"Jim Levenstein"

"hopes to have the
sex life of Ricky Martin."

So, I'm assuming you didn't
know he was gay back then.

Jim, it's a good thing
you found a woman

with the sex drive
of a dozen groupies. Hmm?

I mean, you're probably having
more sex than any of us.

Probably, you know.

Hope you guys are thirsty.
Stifler Claus is here.

Whoa! Stifler, that's a little
too much, don't you think?

Dude, find your balls
and return them to your sack.

I say we keep this party going.

I say we make this
weekend our bitch.

We could party together, do all the
same shit that we used to do together.

It'll be just like old times.

Hell yes!
That's why I'm here.

No Bachelorette,
no Real Housewives.

Thing is, you only get one
chance at your 13th reunion.

I was kind of hoping to spend
a little time with the wife.

Fuck!
Dude!

James?
What? Come on!

I mean, I'm in. Of course I'm in.
Come on, what?

Yeah!
Yeah.

Then, gentlemen, I hope you're
all wearing protection,

because this weekend,
we're gonna fuck shit up!

JIM: Cheers!
OZ: Yeah! All right!

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(GROANS SOFTLY)

What the fuck?

Holy shit.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Hey!

Hi.

What happened?

(STUTTERING)
I don't really remember.

I blame you. How much did you
let him drink last night?

SELENA: Honestly,
not that much.

Well, we gotta clean this up
before we go to the lake.

What? The lake?

Yeah, the lake, dude.
It was your idea.

We discussed
all this last night.

Oh, the lake!
Yes, of course, the...

Hey, Jim, can you hand me
those paper towels, please?

Oh, those paper towels?
The paper ones.

Uh...

The paper towels, Jim.

Jim!
Yeah...

The paper towels!

(GASPS)

I'm really sorry.

Jim, you do realize that
the lid is see-through, right?

Oh, wow.

Good eye.

That's the father of my child.

(WHOOPING)

Oh, come on!

Hey, watch it!
Okay, jeez.

Am I wrong, or was this place a lot
more fun when we were younger?

No, no. I think it's the same.
We're just old now.

But were we just as obnoxious
as these kids back in the day?

No.

Us, our generation,
we were more mature.

Hey, guys, check it out.

Vagina shark!

(SCREAMING)

He touched my snatch!

I take that back.

00:26:51,736
(LAUGHS)

Hey, kid! What do you
think you're doing?

Hey!
Come on, come on, let's go!

Come on, guys. Not cool!

What're you assholes gonna do about it?
(BOYS SNICKERING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Well, that was interesting.

Well, should we do something?

What are we gonna do?
Come on.

Agreed. There's no need
to stoop to their level.

Fuck that!

I know exactly
where they're going.

Stifler?

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC BLARING)

(SIGHS)

JIM: Where the
hell is he?

Guys, this is stupid.

I really can't keep Michelle waiting.
Can we just head back?

Hold on.
Let Stifler do his thing.

Yeah, that's what
I'm afraid of.

Did you guys see
the look on their faces?

Fucking awesome.

BO: He is crazy.

I think one of those guys
was Kara's babysitter.

Which one?

You know, the one that
looked like Adam Sandler.

(BOYS LAUGHING)

JIM: Stifler better not
do anything crazy.

All he's gonna do
is tell them off.

I thought he was gonna
cut their jet skis free.

What happened to pissing
in their suntan lotion?

Hold on. He told me he was
going to steal their beer.

(SIGHING) Stifler.

KEVIN: Oh, wait.
There he is.

OZ: All right.

JIM: Yep, he's
taking their beer.

All right, hurry up,
Stifler. Come on.

What is he doing?

OZ: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
JIM: Wait.

Oh, God!
KEVIN: Oh, my God.

Steven!
No!

Oh, God.

Yo, so you really think Kara's
gonna give it up tonight?

00:29:32,355
Hurry up. Come on!

BO: Down it, man!
Just chug it! Chug it!

Do it. Do it!
Don't puss out.

Don't puss out!

Let's just go.
Let's go.

Go, go. Go, go, go, go. Go, go.

You want another?

For sure.

Guys, I'm telling you, tonight is gonna
be the night she promised me a year ago.

What the...

Hey! Dipshit!

No!

No no!

(LOUD CRASHING)

Stifler!
Are you crazy?

Jesus, Stifler, what happened
to just stealing their beer?

I know, this is so
much better, right?

What?
(LAUGHS)

JIM: You destroyed
their jet skis.

They splashed us.

So...

Come on, guys.
That was pretty funny.

Maybe in high school it was funny.
Now it's just a felony.

Only if we get caught

Yeah, you gotta admit, it was nice
giving those kids a little payback.

Maybe it was good that they will
learn to respect their elders.

Exactly!

Hey, give me a second, I gotta
find some toilet paper.

That's gross.

VICKY: What's up,
Class of '99-ers?

Oh, my God! Vicky!

Hi!

Hey!

I can't believe you're here.

Yeah, I flew in from
New York last night.

I've been hanging
outwith my parents.

They were actually just
talking about you earlier.

Really? About what?

That time they caught us
making out at the Falls.

Oh, right.

The Falls. Wow, I haven't
been there in forever.

Michelle used to love
going to the Falls.

The place is romance incarnate.

Hell, yeah. I got my first
rim job at the Falls.

Okay.

Hey, sweetie.

Mmm, sweetie pie!

Hello.

So, the guys were all talking
about heading over to the Falls.

Well, what about
Jim and Michelle time?

I was thinking it could
be kind of romantic.

Well, I'd love to, but your
dad has been with Ev all day.

Yeah, no, you're right.

Okay. Yeah, we'll
just, we'll go home.

Oh, no, no.
You go and have fun.

Really?
Yeah.

Just, when you get home,
you just better be ready.

You better be ready.

I'm ready.

Um, Stifler, do you know
where you're going?

I know this place
like the back of my cock.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

(DANCE MUSIC BLARING)

It looks like
a high school party.

With high school chicks.

It's on.

Watch it, Stifler. You know these
girls are, like, half your age.

I know.

00:33:21,959
Faster than a speeding stroller,
more powerful than a mini-van.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I told you he was funny.

He's adorable.

(FEIGNING LAUGHTER)

Hey, Jim. Do you wanna
introduce me to your friends?

No.

Girls, this is Stifler.

So, how do you know
my best friend Jim?

Jim used to be my babysitter.

Hey, I was just
gonna do a birthday shot.

Do you guys
wanna do one with me?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah. Oh, yeand
yes, yes.

I shouldn't. Yes, we
should, yes, we should.

Never have I ever
had sex in public.

Really? None of you?

Oh, come on, Heather.
You haven't drank once.

You are such a prude!

Or maybe I've just
never had sex in public.

Okay, never have I
ever been in an orgy.

They were really nice guys.

Believe it or not, this is
my first high school party.

You didn't miss much.

I always preferred staying at
home, throwing on a little NPR.

You were so much
cooler than me.

I sat around writing
X-Files fan fiction.

I translated The Brothers
Karamazov into Latin for fun.

That is so sexy.

You know it is.

I've only been
working as an architect

for the last few years,
and from home.

You've been with the same
company for over ten years.

That's awesome, it sounds like
everything is working out for you.

Yeah. I mean, everything's
good, especially work-wise.

But now that we're
back here in the town,

and we see, like,
all of our old friends,

and everyone's married
and having kids,

it just makes me,
you know, think.

(COUGHS)

You okay there, Kev?

Yeah, I just don't
normally drink like this.

You're telling me you haven't
gotten a little bit tipsy

on Myers Family Wine Night?

I see somebody's been
stalking my Facebook page.

At least I don't take
pictures of my meals.

Who's stalking who now?

Okay, so I've been by your
page maybe once or twice.

You were dating someone
named Alessandro?

You know, he does know that he can take
a picture with his shirt on, right?

Alessandro is long gone.

It's over, huh?

Okay, after this drink,
I have to go home.

Jim.

There's a smoking hot 18-year-old girl
over there that you used to babysit.

And you're not going to
do anything about that?

Need I remind you that
I am married to Michelle?

Exactly.

Dude, these young chicks, they know
some crazy shit in the bedroom.

You could take what
you learn from Kara,

bring it home,
and apply it to Michelle.

You do care about your
marriage, don't you, Jim?

What are you talking
about, Stifler?

I'm not gonna cheat on my wife!

I'm a father
for Christ's sakes.

Yeah, that's perfect.

Yeah, chicks love a father figure.
Keep playing that card, dude.

It's not a card,
it's the truth.

Hey.
Hi.

What are you guys
talking about?

Oh, you know...
Just“

Jim was just saying how much
fun he had taking care of you.

Hey, ladies, why don't we give
them some time to catch up?

Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, after you.

No, that's not necessary. We
should all hang out together.

Why don't we all...
Stifler, just...

Be her daddy.

Stifler? Stifler!

So, sounds like you and Mia have
quite an adventurous lifestyle.

Sometimes a little
too adventurous.

Wow. Well, Heather's a bit
more on the conservative side.

But, uh...

Hey!
Hi.

But, I gotta be honest, Chris, I
could use a little adventure myself.

What are you getting at, Ron?

I'm just saying that usually
I'm not one for swapping,

but the fact that you've been with
Heather already, kind of makes it okay.

So, what do you think?

Think they'd be into it?

I'm kidding.
Come on, I'm kidding!

(LAUGHS)

Seriously,
I would never do that!

Unless you guys wanted to.

So you've really been to every
country in South America?

No, no, not all of them.

And I don't consider
French Guiana a nation.

I remember, I couldn't
wait till graduation

so I could leave this town
and reinvent myself.

You have certainly
reinvented yourself.

I don't know.

There's just a part of me
that still wishes that

I could just explore
the world, you know?

Be everything I set out to be.

You can be whoever you wanna be.
You just gotta be it.

You wanna make out?
Yeah.

Are you crazy?
I love the Twilight books.

New Moon is my favorite.

Mine, too!

Oh, my God! We have,
like, so much in common!

I know!
I know!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Wanna hit this?

In more ways than one.

(WOMAN MOANING ON RINGTONE)

(STIFLED) I don't know who this is, but
I'm pretty fucking busy right now.

So sorry to interrupt, Stafler.

Didn't realize the Special
Olympics competed at night.

Oh, fuck.

(COUGHING)

What the hell's
going on over there?

What, are you choking
on your own dick?

Nothing, Mr. Duraiswamy,
nothing.

What can I do for you, sir?

Bob from Acquisitions
had a heart attack.

Some idiot told him
that he was fired.

He flipped out, I don't know.

Listen, I need someone
to finish his presentation.

I need you to go in on Sunday
and get everything ready. Yes?

Oh, wait, Sunday.

I got my high school reunion.

Oh, wow, how fun!

Yeah, no, I'll just
call the chairman,

and I'll get him to reschedule.

Seriously?
Hey, that would be awesome!

That was a fucking joke, you moron.
Jesus Christ, what am I doing?

You know what, I am gonna
handle this myself.

No. No, no, no,
listen, Mr. Duraiswamy,

I can do it, okay? I
promise, I'll get it done.

Just don't fuck up, Stafler.

It's Stifler.
(LINE DISCONNECTS)

Dick! Hey, ladies...

Ladies?
They bailed, dude.

Aw, fuck!

Ugh!
Um...

Ooh! (LAUGHS)

Hey, Kara, how are you
getting home tonight?

AJ was supposed to
drive my car back,

but he hasn't
even shown up yet.

Some lame excuse
about his jet skis.

Can you believe that jerk?

What about you?

Will you take me?

Uh... Um...

Come on! We're going
to the same place.

Besides, it wouldn't
be responsible

to let me drive
in this condition.

Right?

(POP MUSIC PLAYING
ON CAR STEREO)

(WHOOPING)

Okay, Kara.

Hey! Whoa! Careful!
Careful. Yeah.

Oh, my God, I love this song.

It's a good one.

Isn't classic rock the best?

Classic rock? This
is classic rock now?

Hey, you know, Kara, you
should drink some more water.

Where's that bottle I gave you?

Oh, it's right here.
Okay.

In the back.

(HORN HONKS)
(TIRES SQUEAL)

Shit. Sorry. Sorry. There was a...
(CLEARS THROAT)

There was a little baby
squirrel in the road, so...

Whoa! Hey! Whoa!
That's not water. Okay.

It's a little too much now.

I love how, after all these years,
you're still taking care of me.

Well, you know, a
babysitter's job never ends.

(GIGGLING) You knew I always
had a crush on you, right?

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(HESITANTLY) No.

I want you to be my first.

Your first?

Oh, God. Okay. Um...

Kara, listen. Um...

A person's virginity is
something sacred, you know?

You should save yourself
for someone special.

You're special.

No! Not special.

You think?
I really...

What are you doing?

Hey, what are you doing?

Come on. No one
will ever find out.

I don't know.
I don't think...

You don't think I'm pretty?

Huh? Oh, no! You're very pretty, Kara.
You're very, very...

Really?
Yes, very pretty.

But I... Very pretty.
Thanks.

Oh, my God!

Holy shit! What?

00:42:53,989
Shit. Kara?

Holy Jesus! Kara?

Kara! Kara!
Please wake up, Kara!

Kara, wake up. Kara!

Are you okay?

Oh, Jesus, God!

Oh, my God, are you all right?

Hey, hi.

Jim?
Hey!

What? This is crazy!

Are you all right?

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
I'm okay. I was just... Um...

I was reaching for something.

Everything's okay.
Everything's fine.

I don't know if you've heard.
Mmm?

Did you hear?

I am in charge of the reunion.

Oh! Yeah, no, that's...
Yeah, that's right.

Got a whole '90s theme planned.

Oh. That's...

I booked Chumbawamba.

Yeah. But the pricks
cancelled yesterday.

Was a setback, but you know me,

"I get knocked down but I
get up again." (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

(MOANS GROGGILY)

Oh, my God! Okay, I
see what's going on.

(MOUTHING)

(MOUTHING)

Yep.

I'll see you later, buddy.

All right then, I'll see you.

Jesus, God. Kara.
Kara, wake up.

I just need a nap.
What?

Kara, this isn't time
for a nap. Kara, wake up.

This isn't napping time.
(SNORING)

Kara? Shit.

Oh, God, this is bad.
This is very, very bad.

What took you guys so long?

We were looking for Kevin.
Couldn't find him.

Plus, that hot piece of ass Oz is banging
got wasted, so we had to drop her off.

You brought him?

Of course they brought me.

When you guys were busy
jacking off in high school,

I was running this
drill every weekend.

Now, let's see what
we are dealing with.

Oh!

Holy shit!

Way to go, Jim.

Shh. Okay, nothing happened, Stifler.
Okay? Nothing happened.

Stop that!

I'm sorry.

So, Jim, what do you wanna do?

I don't know.

I can't just leave her
here naked, you know?

I mean, if the cops come by
and find out I'm involved,

I'm screwed.

That leaves us
with two options.

We dump the body or
we sneak her inside.

Dump the body?
This isn't a mob hit.

Okay, wait a second.

I have been in her house
a million times to babysit.

I can totally sneak her in
through the back door.

I need you guys to
distract her parents.

Do you think you can do that?
(SCOFFS)

I'm an expert, Jim.
Trust me. I got this shit.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Good evening, sir.

My friend's car broke down,

and we were just wondering if we
could use your phone to call AAA.

You mean to tell me that none
of you have cell phones?

(GASPS)

Oh, my God, I know you. You
were on Celebrity Dance Off.

Oh, yeah!

Ostreicher.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, come on in.

That was very smooth, Stifler.

Shut up, shitbreak.

The last time I did this,
cell phones didn't exist.

(DOOR SHUTS)

(GASPING)

Shit!

Daddy.

Look, Mom, Daddy!

Shit!

00:47:41,067
You were such a good dancer. I felt
so bad when you got voted off.

Thank you.

But I have to say you're
much sexier in person.

Okay. Calm down
there, Susan.

Dude, she wants to fuck
you big time, dude.

You got to hit that.
No fucking way.

Do it for Jim, dude,
don't be selfish.

Hey, you know what? I think I
have to go to the bathroom.

Kara, this is not funny.

Kara, come on!
Kara, come out.

Boo!

Oh, my God!

Come on.
Okay, good.

You never could find me.

Jim, I don't mean to alarm you
but you don't have much time.

Yes, I know.

I like your scarf.
Okay.

I like your breasts.
Doon

Would it be okay
if I get a picture?

Sure.

I know it's in here somewhere.

(MOUTHING)

Okay, a bottle of hair spray...

You guys all right?

Yeah. Yeah.

You know something?

I really was admiring how clean
your toilet was in your bathroom.

Thanks.

You know what? I have to
use the restroom, too.

No, you don't.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Let's get in bed.
(GIGGLING)

Come on and get in bed with me?

No, I'm not getting in bed...

Come on.
Get in bed with me.

No, I'm not... Kara, please.
Oh, God. Please.

Oh, shit!

Stifler, what are
you doing here?

I just wanted another glimpse.
No.

Why'd you put her clothes
back on, dude? Boo.

You have to go.

What was that?

That sounded like
it came from outside.

No, that came from Kara's room.

Oh, Jesus.

KARA'S DAD: Kara?

Oh, my God.

Go, go, go!

What the hell's
going on in here?

Hi, Daddy.

How'd you get back in?

I don't remember.

You don't remember?

What was that sound?

I don't know.

What do you mean,
you don't know?

I don't know.

You've been drinking,
haven't you?

No.

Kara, I told you these boys
try to get you drunk

so they can take
advantage of you.

I'm old enough
to know that, Dad.

Yeah, well, I don't
want to go to jail

for kicking some
horny kid's teeth in

but I will, believe me.

(cow MOOING)

What is that?

(LAUGHING)
Oh, that's Mr. Moo!

Will you get him for me,
Daddy? Please.

(MOOING)

I can't be mad at my angel.

Happy birthday, princess.

Thanks, Dad.

(DOOR SHUTS)

(EXHALES)

00:55:16,564
Oh, no, he's gorgeous on paper.

What is that supposed to mean?

Nothing. Um...

I'm sorry. You're right.

I am a bit jealous.

You know, it's funny.

In some ways, you've
completely changed,

and, in other ways,
you're exactly the same.

Heather, you can believe this,

nothing's changed.

Oh, my God.

Chris Ostreicher?

Hi, girls.

Can I get a pic?

Sure.

Dad?

Oh, hey, Dad.
Hey, Jim.

I'm just going to
run out for a sec.

I was just watching
your old Bar Mitzvah tape.

(LAUGHING) I got
your Jew scarf!

YOUNG JIM:
Give it back, Stifler.

(LAUGHS)

I think I'm the happiest man
in the world thanks to you.

Yeah, I miss her too, Dad.

I know.

(SIGHS)
01:03:12,081
She's here.

I gotta go.

All right, get ready.

Wait for it.
Wait for it!

Wait for it!

Here she comes!

Yeah!

Fuck yeah,
Mr. Levenstein!

The name is Noah, motherfucker.

(ALL CHEERING)

Mmm.

Feel the sofa.

It's so smooth.

It feels like a Smurf's ass.

Did you feel it?

Okay.
Mia, can you...

Hey, guys.
Sorry we're late.

Hi.

Hey, I got a treat for everybody.
I picked something up.

Celebrity Dance Off, Season Six.
My man, Chris Ostreicher.

Oh, my God.

We have to watch this.

Who wants to see my
baby shake his booty?

(ALL CLAMORING IN AGREEMENT)

I know I do.

JDate? You have
to be kidding me.

If you want quality vag, you
have to go out into the wild.

"Vag"?

What is that, a half a vagina?

You know, in my day
we called it a beaver.

And let me tell you something,
I snagged a pelt or two.

I bet you did.

Dad?

Hey, Jim, your dad is so
much cooler than you.

Stifler, please stop
getting my dad drunk.

No, he's just trying
to get me some vag.

Okay, come on.

Yeah! Hey, hey.

Let the man make
his own decisions.

Stop. Come on.

Don't listen to him.

I want you to dust off
that old dick of yours,

go out there, and get some ass.

Oh!
Just go out there.

I think I Will.

Dad, stop, okay? It's
exactly what I'm gonna...

I'm sorry, but you have had a
little too much to drink tonight,

and I'm not letting you...
No, no.

No, son I haven't
hardly had one drink.

And you know I love you.

I do love you, but you need to

(BURPS)

chillax.

"Chillax"?
Dad, where are you going?

Do you see him?
Jim! Jim!

Let him go.
Let him have some fun.

(SIGHS)

And now we can have some fun.

Come on.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry, excuse me.

Is this a washroom?

It doesn't even occur to you
that you're self-centered

because you are so
self-centered and...

You know what?
Hold on a second.

Can I help you?

Who might you be?

I'm Stifler's mom.

Oh.

I'm Jim's dad.

Later, fucker.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God, this is the most
ridiculous thing I've ever seen.

(SHOUTING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Dude, you have an amazing body!

Everybody, raise the roof
for Chris Ostreicher!

You have really been
bringing it all season long.

But now it's time, Chris, to see if
America thinks you done brought it.

You ready?
Let's do it.

Let's see the results.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIM
IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

What? Gilbert Gottfried
and not you?

Fucking bullshit!

Chris, I'm so sorry, man.

Well, we saw you jam.
Now, it's time to scram.

Do you have any last
thoughts for the audience?

Okay, guys, we can
probably end it there.

What? No, are you kidding?
I haven't seen this.

I think what I've
learned is to be true

to myself,

because that's what
dancing is, it's truth.

And maybe,

if we just danced
a little bit more,

there would be no more wars.

(SNICKERING)

No more war!

Well, that is a thoughtful
take on foreign policy.

HOST: Stick around. Hulk Hogan gets
jiggy-friggy, right after this.

You don't want to miss this.
Stick around.

(SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION)

Hey.

If you want my opinion,
I think you got cheated.

Are you okay?

You know,

when you lose something that's important
to you, it doesn't feel very good.

Oz, it's just a show.

I'm not talking about the show.

RON: Hey, Heather,
you down there?

Um, coming!

Oh, my God.

Wait here, I'll be right back.

I can't tell you how many times
I walked into Steven's room

and I caught him in the
middle of sex with some girl.

At least he was with
a real, live human girl.

What are you talking about?

I walked into the kitchen once,
and I saw Jim humping a pie.

He turned the damn thing into a
crumble in about two seconds.

I can top that.

I once walked into my bedroom

and I caught Steven sticking
my hairbrush up his ass.

No, and it wasn't
the handle side, either.

Oh!

No, no, no.

A pretty lady like you shouldn't
be drinking quite so much.

And neither should I.

How about a joint, then?

We don't have to wait 13 years
to see each other again.

Yeah, true.

And I guess I could come along
on one of your adventures.

Am I good sidekick material?

Sidekick?

I think you are a lot more
than sidekick material.

Is everything okay?

It's better than ever.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Okay, wait, wait.

I don't think we're dressed
appropriately for the occasion.

Put that on.

Wait, where are you going?

To change.
Be back soon.

Dudes!

BOTH: What's up, bro?

WOMAN: Big Stiffy?

Blowjob Lipstein.

Oh, you have to be
fucking kidding me!

Excuse me?

Okay.

What the hell are you doing? You
just expect me to blow you?

Yeah!

I'm out of here.

Wait. Wait, Wait!

Look, I get it.

You're self-conscious
about your body.

Don't worry. I was going to
shut the lights off anyway.

You are the same douchebag
that you were in high school.

You just expect me to do
everything while I get nothing?

Later.

No, no!

(SIGHS)

Let's make a deal.

I'll get you off,
you get me off.

What do you say?

Fine.

But I am putting you to work.

Holy shit.

Chow time!

(GROANS)

(SIGHS) There you are!

I've been looking
all over for you.

Listen, we really need to...

What are you doing?

Taking what's mine.

(GROANING)

No, I just wanted to hear
the sound of your voice.

Aw, is everything okay?
You seem stressed.

Stressed?

There you are!

No, no, no.

I have to go right now, but I'll
call you back in a little bit.

Okay. And don't worry, I won't
watch Gossip Girl without you.

I miss you, babe.

I miss you, too.

Listen, Vicky,
about last night,

that wasn't me.

With what happened...

I don't know. It might
be normal in your world.

What do you think happened?

Well, all our clothes
were on the floor.

Yeah, because
they were soaking wet

from when you got drunk
and fell in the lake.

I took care of you.

So, we didn't have sex?

Of course not.

Oh, thank God!

I'm glad you think
so highly of me.

No.

Vicky, wait.

MIA: Oh, yeah!
Oh, my God! (MOANING)

Mia, stop.

Oh, my God, yeah!

Mia, get off!

I'm about to!
I'm about to!

(SCREAMING)

Heather.

What the hell?

You have something going on
with this skank?

Who are you calling a
skank, you fucking bitch?

Whoa! Whoa!
(MIA SCREAMING)

Stop it! Stop!

Stop it!

Ow! What the fuck?

That's my extension, you bitch!

You motherfucker!

No, Mia! Wait a minute!

By the way,
I fucked Mario Lopez!

(BONES CRACKING)
(GROANING)

Ooh...

Okay, it's my turn now.

Uh-uh. Not this time.

Wait, what about our deal?

Now you know how it
feels, Big Stiffy.

Gross!

(SNORING)

You didn't actually think I'd
fall asleep again, did you?

As long as you're mine,
I'm happy.

Jesus, Kara.
What are you doing here?

Your creepy friend invited
me and all my girlfriends.

Nice outfit, by the way.
Very kinky.

(POUNDING ON DOOR) Oh, shit.

Don't worry. I locked it.

Oh, Jesus.

What the hell kind of freaky
shit is going on in here?

AJ, what are you doing here?

I followed you. I had to
see it with my own eyes.

First you fuck with my jet ski,
then you fuck my girlfriend?

No! God, no!
Nothing happened.

You're going down, Sandler.

Sandler? What the...

Jesus Christ!

(SPITS)

AJ: I'm going
to kill you!

Jim, what the fuck
are you wearing?

Hey, I can explain
everything! Jesus!

Come on!
Shit!

Get up, gimp!

Come on, I'm not
fighting you, okay?

This is silly.
I'm an adult.

Oh, really?

Because to me you look
like a little bitch pussy.

(BOYS LAUGHING)

Don't be a pussy, Jim.

Look, AJ, just calm down, okay?

What makes you little fuckers think you can
crash one of the Stifmeister's parties?

Did you just refer to yourself
as "the Stifmeister"?

Because that's the
lamest name ever!

(PEOPLE JEERING)

I'm going to fucking kill you.

Bring it on.

Hey, Steve, come on, this is...

(CROWD EXCLAIMING)

Where do you think
you're going?

Don't mess with
the Class of '99, bitch!

(GROANS)

Finch!

Don't hurt my friend!

(GROANING)

Hey!

Get off my husband,
you little piece of shit!

(SIRENS WAILING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER
ON POLICE RADIO)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, crap!
It's the fuzz!

We have to get out.
How do you get out?

I need an escape route!

Oh, shit!

You want to be with him?

Fine!
He's all yours.

Come on, man!

Jim, what's going on?

I am so sorry for all
of this. I can explain.

Last night I ran into
Kara, our neighbor.

She was too drunk to drive,
so I drove her home.

And she started taking off her
clothes, and touching my...

Okay, I know it doesn't sound
good, but nothing happened, okay?

I don't care about her at all!

Thanks a lot.

No, no, Kara, wait.
I didn't mean...

Wait, Michelle.
Hold on, hold on.

It's not what you think, okay?

I swear, I was just trying to
do the right thing, and I...

(SIGHS) You have to believe
me, Michelle, please.

Whether I believe you or not,

I'm disappointed.

I'm going to stay
with my grandmother.

Hold it, Michelle.

No, Jim.

Hey, the fight's over, guys.

We're not here to stop a fight.

We're here about
that stolen motorcycle.

Looks like the VIN
numbers match up.

Paul Finch.

You're under arrest.

Awesome!

KEVIN:
Excuse me, officer.

He won that bike betting on the World Cup in Argentina.
You made some sort of mistake.

Paul, what's going on?
What is this about?

Paul.

Finch, just tell them.

Paul!

STIFLER: Hey, shitbreak, when you're
getting rammed by your cellmate tonight,

think of Kevin.

Michelle, can I just...
Please!

Oh!

Ah!

Dad?
Ah!

01:22:02,043
Holy shit. I'm sorry,
I don't need...

(CLEARS THROAT)
That's fine, we can...

I don't have to
go on with that.

But my point is, when you have a
kid, you become a dad and a mom.

But it's very important not to
stop being a husband and a wife.

And if you do that,
the sex will come.

That actually
makes a lot of sense.

But you can't just wait for
the two of you to be alone.

You have to make
your own alone time.

Why do you think you went to
Hebrew school three times a week?

Sundays, noon to three?
Tuesdays, four to seven?

Okay, I get it, Dad.

If you get it,
then why the questions?

I'm sorry.

You're going through this, I am sorry.
I should be listening.

No, I'm overreacting.
I'm sorry.

(SIGHS) Thank you.

Again. Really.

Anytime.

Welcome, you guys.

Listen, find your nametag, find
out what table you're sitting at.

Ashley, so good to see you!
Oh, my God.

Billy! Oh, my God,
you're looking so svelte.

You used to be morbidly obese.
I was concerned.

KEVIN: Hey.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Jim.
Oz.

Where is Mia?

She flew out this morning.

Oh. I'm sorry, man.

What about Michelle?

I am not sure yet.

ALL; Finch!

What happened? I called the police
department a thousand times.

I appreciate that, Kevin. But my
mom, actually, bailed me out.

Guys, I screwed up.

That bike belongs to my boss.

And I was promised a raise,
and I didn't get it, so I

simply borrowed it.

The truth is that my life
isn't interesting at all.

I am an assistant manager at a
Staples in Bayonne, New Jersey.

I lied to my best friends,
and I'm sorry.

You know, Finch,
just because you sold out

and got a boring job
like most of us,

that doesn't mean you
should be embarrassed.

Yeah, come on, man.
None of that shit matters.

That means a lot, gentlemen.

What about your arm?

Oh.

I spilled coffee on myself
while I was driving.

No.
(CHUCKLES)

It hurt like a bitch, though.

I'll bet.
Jesus, Finch.

Oh, hey, check this
out, you guys.

Crazy, huh?
Look at us.

OZ: A lot of memories.

"Steve Stifler."

"Hopes to keep the party
going with his boys."

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Any Sign of him yet?

I don't think
he's going to show.

(SIGHS)

Stifler?

How'd you find me?

We asked your mom.

Oh, no.
I didn't do anything.

We wanted to apologize
for what we said last night.

We didn't mean it.

(SIGHS)

Yeah, you did. I get it,
you guys think I'm a dick.

Okay. Well,

maybe you are kind of a dick.

But,

you're a fun dick.

And you're our dick.

Yeah, man. You were one of the biggest
reasons that high school was awesome.

Yeah, high school was awesome.

Then we graduated and everybody
started getting jobs

and getting married
and having kids

and all that other stupid shit.

Now, look at me. I'm the
bitch of this place.

Look, Stifler, none of
our lives are perfect.

Especially mine.

But what do you say we keep this party
going, and hit up this reunion together?

What the hell is going on here?

Oh, my God.
This is the jackass.

You're not even close to being
finished and you're up here

"chilling with your posse"?

Sorry, we can explain.

No, Kevin.

Allow me.

Yeah, Kevin, allow him.

This better be good, Stafler.

It's Stifler, fucker.

(SCOFFS) Oh, wow. Who the
hell do you think you are?

Are you acting tough in front
of your girlfriend? Huh?

Because we both know she's
only with you for your money.

Definitely not for your dick.

Because anybody that's
peed next to you

knows it's the size of
a leprechaun's pinkie.

(SNICKERS)

That's not true.

(MOCKINGLY) "That's not
true." Oh, yeah, it is.

Look, just because you got a fancy
office and I don't even have a desk

doesn't change
who we really are.

The truth is,
you're still a dork,

and I can still kick your ass.

But I'm not going to.

You know why?

Because I'm the
fucking Stifmeister.

And you can take this job and
shove it up your dickhole

because I have
a reunion to attend.

Dudes?

By the way, I had no clue what I
was doing with any of this shit,

so you got a lot of work to do.

(PUNK ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Surprise!
Hey! You made it.

Of course.

What do you think about the Lions this year?
They got a shot?

We'll see if their
offensive line can hold.

Are you planning on being on
Celebrity Dance Off: All Stars?

I actually haven't
thought much about that.

You should think about it.

I'm sorry, guys,
you'll have to excuse me.

Can I cut in?

I don't know. Can you promise
to keep your shirt on?

Come on, buddy, I'm busting balls.
Huh?

Yeah, of course.

I'll get us some drinks.

Okay.

Hey.

Shouldn't you be dancing
with your girlfriend?

Uh...

Mia and I are over.

She wanted me
to be someone else.

Something that I
don't want to be.

What do you want, Chris?

Heather, I want this.

I want us.

What about
your career? LA?

Look, I know that it's crazy.

And I don't have all the answers
right now, but I see you,

and I just know

I want you.

I love you.

I love you.

So, I'm skIlng down a mountain.

Guy has a heart
attack right there.

Saved his life. It was a big
story, you can Google it.

Yeah, it was.

I bet.

Holy shit!
Excuse me.

Hey, excuse me. What
the hell is going on?

Ron, I can explain.

Seriously, this guy?

I'm a fucking heart surgeon,
this guy's not even on ESPN.

Hey, take it easy, Ron.

What are you going to do?
Hit me, Oz? Huh?

Oh, I got an idea. What
about a dance-off? Huh?

This isn't a reality show, okay?
This is the real world.

You take one swing at me, I will
sue you for all you're worth.

(GASPS)

I'm not worth jack shit, Dron.

I'm your dick.

Dropped him!

That was awesome!

Listen, we had a blast
the other night.

Have you ever thought about
being a party planner?

Because we want you
to plan our wedding.

Say yes.

Yeah, yeah!
I'd love to.

Nice! Oh, my God.

Thanks!
This is great, man.

Thank you so much.
Thank you, bro.

You're welcome.
Thank you.

I have to tell you something.

You don't have to explain.

Look, Paul, I didn't like you
because you climbed the Alps,

or killed a camel
with your bare hands.

I liked you because you were
still the same good guy

that was actually nice
to me in high school.

I'm still that guy.

I really am.

You know, the last time I
was here was for prom.

I didn't have a date.

Neither did I.

I have to get a drink.

What?

Was my dancing that bad?

Yeah.

Kev! Hey!

Hey, Jess!

Wow. Look, you have a beard!
It looks great.

Thanks.
I'm kidding.

Let's just get this out of the way.
(CLEARS THROAT)

I'm a lesbian now, and this is my girlfriend.
This is Ingrid.

Good to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.

Lesbians? 01:41:15,361
Yes, we should.
(UNZIPPING)

Oh, Stifler.

Oh, Finch's mom!

Call me the Stifmeister!

Yeah, you are the Stifmeister.

(BOTH MOANING)

MAN: MILF?

Oh, Finch's mom!

(UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) MILF.

MILF.

STIFFLER:
Tell me I'm the best.

RACHEL:
You are the best!

MILF.

MILF.
MILF.

STIFLER:
Oh, Finch's mom!

BOTH: MILF! MILF! MILF!

(CHEERING)

RACHEL: Yes! Yes!

STIFLER: Oh, your
son's such a dork!

Stop talking about him!

(RACHEL SCREAMING)

Well, our first reunion
is officially in the books.

I don't know about you guys, but
my night ended pretty well.

It was great.

I had a blast.
It was unforgettable.

Fuck yeah! I jizzed
like a racehorse.

What happened to you at the
end of the night, Stifler?

Who did you end up with?

A gentleman never
kisses and tells, Jim.

JIM: Guys?

I'll be right back, okay?

Kara!

Hey.
Hey.

Look, I'm sorry about
what I said the other night.

No, I'm the one who
should be apologizing.

I can't believe the way I acted.
I'm so embarrassed.

Don't be.

When I was your age I was
pretty obsessed with sex, too.

I know.

I've seen the YouTube clip.

Oh, of course you did.

But, thanks for understanding.

I was thinking about it,
and you're right.

I should really wait
for someone special.

Just, it's going to be tough
to find a guy as good as you.

I'm sure you will.

I feel like a whole new
man after this weekend.

Kind of sucks
we have to leave, though.

Not me. I'm going to take
some time off my job

and stick around here
with Heather for a while.

Nice!

What about you, Finch?

Selena and I, we're planning
a little jaunt to Europe.

Just make sure you call your mom.
She misses you.

How would you know?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh...

I guess this is it, huh?
Back to reality?

We shouldn't wait
until the next reunion.

We should try to get
together every year.

What do you say,
until next time?

Until next time.
Until next time!

(MIMICKING COUGH)
I fucked Finch's mom.

What?

What was that?

(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(BREATH ES HEAVILY)

Hmm?

What's this?

Oh, no, dean No, no, no.

No, dear. No!
(UNZIPPING)

Oh!

Oh...

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Ah. Oh. Oh.

Oh, boy.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my God!

Ah! (LAUGHING)

(SIGHS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Great movie.