All language subtitles for children.ruin.everything.s04e03.1080p.web.h264-nhtfs_track3_[eng]

(Dynamic music)

♪

(Text on screen)

(curious music plays)

- Is this
something for something
or can I throw this out?

- Not sure.
That could be something.

Put it in this bowl
of possible somethings.

- I'm having more cheesies!
- Oh, shh, shh.

Morris is napping
so, keep it down.

Also, no more snacks
before lunch.

- Oh, thank you for
the cheesies, Mrs. Berney.

Should this go
in the dishwasher?

- Um... yeah, you're,
you're very welcome, Maya.

Uh, yes.

(Astrid): There's a lot of ways
to evaluate your parenting.

(James): How well your kids
do in school, how many
cavities they have.

Do they cheat at go fish?

(Astrid): She beat you
fair and square, James.

Let it go, man.
You don't wanna judge
yourself too harshly.

(James): But sometimes you meet
a child who's so well-behaved.

- Guess who found
her old Halloween candy.

Trick-or-treat, fart butts.

(Astrid): You realize
you've been fudging your grades.

Felix.
- Hmm?

- Did you notice how, how Maya
didn't just leave her bowl

around for someone else,

she put it in the dishwasher?

- Oh, ooh!
I made a hilarious movie.

- No. No, no.
- You have to see it.

- But, in the...
- Come on, I think
I left the iPad outside.

- Is it the one where I die?
- Oh yeah.

- Maybe our kids
behave perfectly
at other people's houses.

We just don't know it.
- Hmm.

- Oh, um, enjoy your afternoon.
(Viv): Where's the iPad?

(Felix): I don't know.
I left it right here.

- There's no way.

- Yeah, you enjoy
your afternoon.
(Maya): Thank you!

(Viv): No, I didn't!
(Felix): Yes, you did!

(Viv): No, I didn't!

- There you go.
- Aw, thank you.

Mm.

(Bo grumbles)

Ugh.

Apologies.
To me, drip coffee tastes
like a hitchhiker's sock.

- Huh.
- I'm in a bad way, James.

- CEO blues?
- No, GoBo is thriving.

Crochet is the new denim.

But I can feel myself slipping
into a Bo I swore

I would never be again,
"Bo Business."

- Bo money, Bo problems.
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, I will say you look
more buttoned up than normal.

Except the sandals.

- Well, as long as my toes
are breathing, so am I.

And unburdening myself to you
is like a sandal for the soul.

- Okay.

- But how goes
your poor job search?

- It's... it's okay.
It's good.

Uh, I mean, it's not great, obviously.

A lot of work to be done
around the house

so, 3:30 rolls around
quicker than you think.

- I caught a dead grasshopper
at school.

Her name is Thunder.
- My old lunch container

was in the gym,
so now I've got two.

- What's for dinner?
Tacos forever!

- Oh yeah, I need knee pads
for gym class tomorrow.

- See ya!
(Felix): We're gone!

(Viv): What about
a knee pad taco?

(Felix): Best combination.

(Felix and Viv): Tacos!
Tacos! Tacos!

- Yeah, they kinda keep me busy
in um, rolling the same

boulder up a hill every day
kind of way.

(downtrodden music plays)

(yawns loudly)
(lunch squishes)

- You just sat on my lunch.
- Oh, sorry.

I'm still drowsy.

That Indian lunch buffet
knocked me out.

Had to take a nap in the car.

What'd I miss?
- Most of the day.

- Oh.
- Leonard's still leading.

The polls love him. And
I'm actually pretty surprised

with how much engagement
the slogan "Cut The Crap"

is getting.
But also, not surprised.

- People hate crap.
I'm neutral.

- Yes, well,
Leonard's chosen a side.

He wants bigger fines
for owners who don't pick up
after their dogs.

Bigger the dog, bigger the fine.

- That's a great idea. Ooh!

Which reminds me,
when I was asleep in the car,

I dreamed a great idea.

Okay. Okay, cool.

So, it's a park
community clean up.

People come together,
they make the park

more beautiful, and romantic.

You know, maybe somebody finds
true love or something?

It's not, not important.
- Okay, I mean, we have had

a lot of complaints with
how filthy Ellsworth Park is,

and that's right in the middle
of Leonard's riding.

- Okay, so...
- All right.

Go on, get to work.

- Oh, don't you usually
handle most stuff?

- I'm actually handling
enough right now.

And while I don't work
for you anymore, Jean-Luc,

I do believe in you.

- Okay, cool.

Um, so, some people,
some bags, some garbage.

Maybe a special lady
introduces herself.

She digs my grassroots vibes.
I'm into her smile.

- I'm into you taking
this fan fiction elsewhere.

- Right, that makes more sense.
Cool.

(door opens and shuts)

(Astrid):
What the hell happened?

(James): I swear, it was tidy
before the kids showed up.

They ripped through here
like twin tornadoes,

ate everything they could
get their hands on,
and then moved north.

- This is out of control.
I don't get it.

We told them a million times
to clean up after themselves.

They just don't care.

There's a bowl of cereal
on the stairs!

- That's mine.
I actually forgot that.

But the rest of this
is the kids.

- How are our kids
such inconsiderate slobs?

Is this our fault?
- No, no, no.

If it was our fault
then how come Morris turned out
to be so helpful?

All you have to do
is sing the clean up song.

♪ Clean up, clean up,
everybody, everywhere ♪

♪ Clean up, clean up,
everybody do your share ♪

- The daycare taught him that.

And to be honest,
I find it unnerving.

- You don't listen to her.
Morris, you're doing great work.

- Yay!
- Here's the deal.

I'm gonna clean up
this room. Again.

And then we'll make dinner
in peace and quiet

while number one
and number two are occupied.

- Okay.
- Okay.

(instrumental
clean up song plays)

(James singing clean up song)

- Wait.

It's our fault.

The kids don't help us
with anything

because we just do
everything anyway.

We're literally doing it
right now.

- Oh, my. You're right.

(Viv): How come
I don't smell dinner?

(huffs)
- Okay, they want dinner?

They're gonna have
to help make it.

- That's... yeah,
I think that sounds

like more trouble
than it's worth.

(Felix): Can someone
bring me a snack?

(tense music plays briefly)

- We must break them.

(Felix): Helloooo?

- Felix, can you stop waving
that knife around?

You're slicing a pepper,
not working at Benihana.

Um, James,
where is the spaghetti?

- Oh, uh no more spaghetti,
but if we use the last
of the fusilli,

penne, and macaroni,
we could have a shape-a-aghetti.

- How many eggs
go in a souffle?

- None!
We're making pasta.

- I'm doing my own thing.

- You've literally mashed
that to a pulp.

- I know. I'm insane.

- Hey, where is the frying pan?
- Whoa!

Beef on the floor.
- Oh, my gosh.

- It's okay.
Morris will clean it up. Morris.

♪ Clean up, clean up,
everybody, everywhere ♪

(James): Felix, stop.
- I mean, he's brainwashed.

- Let's help make dinner
all the time.

- Yeah, it's so funny.
And getting pizza
is the best reward.

- No, no, pizza's not a reward,
it's a last resort.

Because it's so late.
Morris is already asleep.

- Most of the dinner either
ended up burnt or on the floor.

I think in lieu of this
failed experiment,

you guys should clear the table.

- You're kidding.
- What did we do
to deserve that?

- All right, plates
aren't gonna clear themselves.
Chop, chop!

- All of them?
But I only used one.

- Well, your mother and I
paid for all the pizza.

So... chop, chop!

(Felix and Viv grumble)

- Pass me your plates.

- Yeah, scrape all the crust
on to one plate

then stack
the rest of the plates.

There we go.

- Not the wine.
Not the wine.

The wine stays.
Everything else, to the kitchen.

And we're off!

- It's full!
- We're screwed.

- Okay, you just... just put
the dishes on the counter

and just go get
ready for bed.

- Yes!
- And don't say screwed.

Right?
- I don't know.

- So, I just told Leonard about
the park idea and he's psyched.

- But let me guess,
he's not coming?

- Nah, he's not.
But you're coming at least.

- Ooh, no, incorrect.
Yeah, I will not be there.

Not coming.
Don't want to.

- Oh.
So, I'm totally alone.

- Yes.
- That's cool.

I mean, I got a great
response online.

Oh, and check this out.

Custom campaign trash bags.

- Maybe don't put
our candidate's face on garbage?

- Oh yeah.
Okay, good point.

I mean, just printing this one
bag cost 18 bucks so,

huge savings right there, right?
Yeah! Get it.

(spits coffee)
Yep, hmm, still hate coffee.

Blech.

Cool.
- Oh, what?

Are you done with that?

- Yes?
- Huh, and yet there it sits.

Hmm, what to do?

- Oh!

- Oh.
- Oh, yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, okay.

(cutlery clangs)
Uh...

(dishes rattles)
Oh no.

Um...

(mug clangs on dishes)

- I think you're gonna
have to run it.

- Yeah.
Uh, totally.

It's just...
(dishes clatter)

Um...

(humming to self)

Uh yeah, I'm just gonna
make a quick phone call.

(call dials)

Hey, Mom.
Uh, weird question.

(speaking foreign language)

(James): Hello?

- James, yeah, we're gonna
need to fix our kids.

I've seen the future
and it's useless.

- No, no, no, what do you
mean put soap in the door?

In, how? Mom!

Can, can you come here?

was eye-opening, James.

Look, I never wanted to be
like my mom,

banging on my bedroom door
first thing

every Saturday morning
with a vacuum.

I don't know, I think
she might have been right.

- Me too. I mean, I only
did chores because my dad
made me feel guilty.

And really, I think
that guilt was more about
my mom abandoning us.

- Yeah, it's not just
about chores, James,
it's about survival.

- Mm-hmm.
- How will our kids survive

if you get burnt in a fire
and I get kidnapped?

- On the same day?
- We need a course correction.

- Yes, our kids need to learn
how to take care of themselves.

- And us.
- What?

- There will come a day
where you're on your deathbed

and I'm paralyzed... with grief.

Sitting next to you,
holding your hand,

rubbing your arm, telling you,

"Hey, baby,
everything's gonna be okay.

Baby, everything's gonna be
okay." You look at me.

You have no idea who I even am.

- Okay, maybe
let's just circle back--

- I'm showing you pictures
to remind you of our life.

You look up at me.
You say,

"Who's this beautiful woman?"

- Our kids need life skills,
and teaching them life skills

is not one of our life skills.
- Right.

What do we do?
What's the plan?

- A chore wheel.
That's a thing.

- Chore wheel, James?
Chore wheel.

This can't be solved
with arts and crafts.

- Well.
- There's no magic bullet or,

or enchanted wheel that's gonna
solve this for us.

Come on.
- I know, you're right. I know.

- Come on!
- I know!

I'm just...

What we need is like,
a deliberate, calculated,

consistent approach
that's gonna take years.

But if we keep at it, who knows?

(Astrid scoffs)

This is a chore wheel.

Each section has a different
chore on it.

And when you spin
the spinner thing,

you do whatever chore
it lands on.

(Astrid): Well, Daddy
made it, but it was my idea.

- Yeah.
- And I emailed him

the instructions and I chose
the colors.

And then changed my mind
about a color.

- It was a full cooperation,

which is exactly
what this is all about.

- Can I show you what I made?

It's a flower puppet named...

(dramatic): Thunder.

- No.
- For example.

I'm gonna give it a spin.
What did I get?

I got, ooh.
(James gasps)

Clear the gutters.
Clean the oven?

James, none of us
can do those things.

- Yeah, I may have gotten
carried away with all the stuff

that needs doing around here.
Also, I had a small panic attack

and laid on the floor.
- Been there.

- Okay, ignore anything
that requires a ladder
or noxious fumes,

and give this wheel
a spin-erooni.

- I got... tidy room.

- Oh.
- No thanks.

I'm doing take out garbage.

- No, no, the spinner chooses.
Not you.

- Are any of these prizes?

- Living in a nice, clean house
is the best prize of all.

- That's no fun.
- It's not supposed to be fun.

- You guys are making
zero sense.

Is this a dream?

(dramatic): Wake up, Viv.

Wake up, Viv!
Wake up, Viv!

- Hey.

(video plays through headphones)

What's this?

The chore was to tidy up,
not to make more garbage.

- It's not garbage.
It's a hack.

I took all my stuff
and made it into an awesome,
fake leather bean bag chair.

Watch this.

(items snap)
Oh.

I think I sat on a Nerf gun.
Ugh.

- Trying to muster
sympathy for ya.

(Felix): Ow.
- Really trying.

(Felix): Dad?
- All right, sit up.

Look, can we just, are you good?

(James): You have limited energy

and chores are a drain
on your power supply.

(Astrid): But getting your kids
to help with the chores

is yet another chore.

- That's fine.

(vacuum whirring)
- Viv.

(Viv humming)
Viv. Viv!

Vacuums are not for harmonizing!
They're for cleaning!

(James): A chore that
takes more energy than just
doing the chores yourself.

(Astrid): But you have
to power through until
the chores are done.

- I'm doing it my way!

Mahhhh!

(Astrid): Or until somebody
blows a fuse.

(meter beeping)

(James): Okay, Viv, you have
got re-grout the bathroom tiles.

(Viv): Woo!
- James, she's not
a Property Brother.

- Yeah, okay.
Um, here, clean under
the couch cushions.

- Can I keep or eat what I find?

- No! Please don't tell me
you've eaten food

from the couch before.

- Okay.

(James): Felix, my man!

Got put away the Stanley Cup.
- Stanley Cup?

- Yeah, that's uh, my cute
little nickname for Mommy's

clutter sculpture over there
on the bookshelf.

- But that dumb bead kit
isn't mine.

Or that dumb mermaid book.

(James): Okay.
- That's Viv's Stanley Cup.

- That's your Minecraft
coloring book.

- Well, actually,
it's a strategy guide.

- Guys, take what's yours
and put it away.

- Why are you making us
clean the whole house?

It's your house.
- That we all live in together.

- Well, that's not our fault.

We didn't ask to be born.

- Don't complain about existing.
Life is a miracle.

Life is also a series
of mundane tasks.

- You said if I got a dog
then I would have to
clean up after it.

But we're like, your dogs,
so don't you have to
clean up after us?

- No more philosophizing.

Do as you're told
because we said so.

(Felix): How do you even...
(James): This isn't working.

(items crash to floor)

(bowl rolling around)

- Go get your jackets.

- Sorry, Mommy.
- Really sorry.

Wait, so you brought us to a
park where we could just chill,

but we're not chilling,
we're picking up garbage?

- Correct.
- But I didn't drop
any of this garbage.

- Viv, none of these people
made this mess.

They're all helping out
so we can have a clean park.

- Is this like, a lesson about
cleaning our home like we have
to clean the planet?

- Yes. Although, most of this
garbage is just going
to a landfill anyway,

including, unfortunately,
most of the recycling.

- James.
(Jean-Luc): Astrid, you came!

And you brought the whole fam.
You want a t-shirt?

- No.
- Oh, that's cool.

I can't believe how many
people showed up.

Hey man, how's it goin'?
- How you doin'?

- Good, good.
I brought some extra garbage

from home just in case
we ran out. No detail spared.

- First aid. Bathrooms.
A water station.

A sign!

- All good ideas for next time.
And there will be a next time.

I found my passion.
(both): Oh.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

- I'm Jean-Luc.
- Nice to meet you.

- Do you like garbage?
- Yeah, let's go.

- At least we get
new robot hands.

- So mid.

How long do we have to do this?

- As long as it takes, Felix.

The point is to do
something selfless

so we don't have to
pick up after you.

Now, run along.
Be altruistic.

(curious music plays)

I think we're picking up
Jean-Luc's home garbage now.

(James): Hmm. Hello.
- Is this enough?

(James): You guys did all that?
- That is great work.

How does it feel
to do something good
for your community?

- Hot and hungry.

- My neck hurts from looking
down at garbage.

- Okay, do you maybe feel,
I don't know, proud or inspired?

- If I say yes
do I get a reward?

- Just 'cause you did
a good thing, Viv,

doesn't mean
you're entitled to a reward.

A lot of hard work
goes unnoticed.

And you can't expect
anything in return.

- Ice cream!
(Felix): Oh, my gosh!

(Jean-Luc): I got us
an ice cream truck.

Creamy rewards for everyone!

- Awesome!
- Can I have

the vanilla ice cream,
the chocolate ice cream--

- Banana bowl.
- Strawberry ice cream.

(Felix): Iceberg.
Please, please snow cone!

(Viv): With the banana boat!

(James): Think they
learned anything?

I mean, we wanted them
to pitch in and they did.

- Yeah, but only after
we forced them.

They hated every minute of it

and then expected
a big reward at the end.

And then they got it.
They learned squat.

- Silver lining, a lot
of the most powerful people
in the world, very entitled.

- Yeah. Maybe they'll grow up
to be like farmer bros
or tech psychos.

- Right? Nice guys finish last.

Also, I noticed that you
finished your ice cream.

Would you like some of mine?
- Oh, yeah.

Thank you, nice guy.
Sucker.

- Yeah.
- Hi there.

You're Felix and Viv's
parents, right?

I'm Laurel.
I'm Maya's mom.

- Hi.
- Oh, hello.

- Hi. Felix texted Maya
to come and meet him

and Viv at the park.
So nice.

- Felix texted.
How did he--

- Ah, he stole my phone.
- Ugh.

- Rat.
- Rat.

- Your kids have been
so kind to Maya

ever since we moved here.

She's had a little trouble
making friends at school,

but, Felix always
includes her and she thinks
Viv is just a riot.

(laughs)

- Well, thank you
for saying that.

- Yeah.
- Well, kindness is learned

at home and that's you guys.

So, thank you.

- Oh, that's...
- Well, we do try to...

- Well, thank you.
- Thank you.

- Thank you for...
- Maya is the best.

- She's, woo, she's golden.
- Incredibly polite.

- Yeah.
- Oh, well, that's good.

She can be a little
bit of a handful.

She refuses to go to bed

and she swears like
she's in a Scorsese film, so.

We call her
"little Pesci mouth."

- Really?
- Yeah.

- I guess some kids, you know,

they save their worst
behavior for home.

- She also does this thing
where she draws

these incredibly mean
drawings of me and hides them
in weird places.

It's kinda scary.

- That is so nice to hear.

(Viv): Come on, Felix and Maya!
(Felix): Yeah!

(Viv, Felix, and Maya playing)

(kids cheering)

(Jean-Luc): Yeah,
that was really cool.

- Okay.
- No, I'll see you in a bit.

- Bye.
(Astrid): Hey, great job.

- Thanks, Astrid.
That means so much.

Really nailed it, didn't I?
- You really did.

Yeah, clean park.
Unlikely romance.

And I can't believe
you got Leonard to pay
for an ice cream truck.

- Oh, uh,
he didn't pay for that.

I booked it,
but we cleaned the park

so the city
will waive the fee, right?

- Oh, do you think that ice
cream trucks are city vehicles?

They're not.

- Oh, snap.

I guess he won't be taking
the big piles of garbage bags

with him either.

- I'll see you at work,
Jean-Luc.

- Yeah, uh. Yeah, yeah,
I'll, I'll talk to him

and figure something out.
Alone.

By myself.

Hey!

- Mommy!
- Mom!

- Oh, I get hugs.

(Astrid): There are lots of ways

to evaluate how you're doing
as parents.

Do your kids make
their bed every day?

Do they say
please and thank you?

Are they kind to people?

(James): Do they swipe
your phone?

Is it for good reason?
(Astrid): James.

(James): Fine.
Our kids aren't great

at helping out around the house.

(cutlery clangs)

We're not that great
at it either.

(Astrid): But the dream
of a household

where everyone pitches in
is worth pursuing.

(James): If we keep working
on it, we'll get there.

(Astrid): Eventually.

Plates are in the dishwasher.

- Mm-hmm.

(Morris): Yucky.

back to my place, maybe two bags
at a time in the car.

And then every week,
I'll just take out one bag

because, you know, garbage day.

It's the only way
we can do this.

And then,
maybe as time goes on,

this can kinda be incorporated
into the architecture

and the feng shui.
Yeah, yeah.

I think we can clean this.
Together.

- Hmm, yeah.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Cool, sounds great.

Oh, man.
(hand bangs on truck)

(Jean-Luc): Oh yeah,
uh, yeah, totally, sir.

I'll be right there
in five seconds. I promise.

I promise I'll pay.
I'm good for the money.

Heh, heh.
Do you take bitcoin?

(rhythmic music)

Subtitling: difuze