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ANNOUNCER:
Please welcome Alonzo Bodden!

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♪ ♪

Yes!

Yes!

How you guys doing?

(audience cheering)

All right!

All right, yeah!

Yeah!

I like this.

I like...
What's up, up top?

Yes!

This is nice.

What's up, up there?

Chicago!

I like it.

I like it, man.

What's up, Chicago?
How you guys doing?

I'm-I'm happy to be here.

It is, yeah, it is great.

I-I love your city.

I lo-- I just got through
touring Canada.

I got to admit,
I got to admit

I love my country,
I love the United States,

but when it comes
to certain issues,

it's kind of nice
being in Canada.

Like, in Canada, they have
a thing called health care.

(laughter, cheering)

And-and it's not

a sin to have health care.

I don't, how did that
become the issue

that we became so divided over?

You know what I mean?
Like, people get so...

Congress, they get
so upset over health care.

In Canada,
they have health care.

Now, I don't know
the history of Canada.

I don't know how it started.

But I imagine
that, some time, in Canada,

somebody said,
"Hey, people are getting sick."

And somebody else said,

"We should take care of them."

And then they had health care.

In the United States,
President Obama

came up with a health care plan.

The Republicans are like,
"Health care for poor people?

"We will shut down
the government...

in the name of Jesus."

(laughter, applause)
'Cause they...

They always slip Jesus in
on things Jesus

would have nothing to do with.

(crowd cheering)
Right? Like...

Listen, I'm not biblical;
I'm not an expert;

but I'm pretty confident Jesus
would be okay with health care.

You know, it just seems
like the kind of thing

he'd go along, you know?

Jesus used to lay hands
on the sick.

I don't think he ever asked
a leper if he had insurance.

Uh...

What? No insurance?

I don't lay hands
on uninsured lepers.

Who let you in here?

Now, listen, you put
your legs back in the basket

and crawl your ass out of here.

How dare you!

It-it, you-you don't know

how bad your health insurance is
till you go to use it.

I found out I have some

raggedy-ass
health insurance, man.

I went to the doctor,
my doctor was like,

"Look, if anything
ever happens to you,

"get in the car...

"because your car insurance
is so much better

than your health insurance..."

He told me.

He was like,
"If you feel bad,

"you crash into something,
let the airbag hit you,

and I might be able
to save your ass."

Because my health insurance

got a whole column

that's just labeled:
"Let him die."

Just let him go.

If he got that, nah,
he ain't gonna make it.

Don't waste no money.

I don't know.

You got, you got to have
health insurance, right?

'Cause you might get sick.
You never know

when something
might happen, right?

Ebola? Anybody?

Anybody...
no-nobody got the Ebola?

You-you, it-it...
Every time, there's always

these diseases
that we're all gonna get,

we're all gonna die,
then it goes away

and nobody knows
what happened to it.

Six months ago,
we were all gonna get Ebola.

Everybody was gonna...
Did anyone else notice

that Ebola disappeared the day
after the mid-term elections?

Right?
We were, like...

(cheering, applause)

We were all gonna get Ebola.

The Republicans won Congress.

Suddenly the news was like,
"Look at Kim Kardashian's ass.

How about that?
It just..."

It went away.
But I... what...?

Ebola hits New York City!

I'm from New York.

New York is an angry-ass city.

You think New York
got time for Ebola?

New York will run
that shit off to Jersey.

You understand?

New York, they'd be,
"I ain't got...

Get across the bridge!"

(cheering, applause)

I live in L.A. now.

Let me tell you something--
if Ebola caused weight loss,

you couldn't
keep it on the shelves.

Women just be lined up
at Whole Foods like,

"Girl, I got to get
some of that Ebola! That..."

Never know, man.

Measles is back, right?

Which people is say is bad.

I don't know if it's bad.

Might not be a bad thing.

Because maybe measles is back,

they'll call it retro

and all the hipsters
will get it and die.

Yes.

(applause, cheering)

I'm sorry, there is no more
annoying group of people

than the hip... Whenever
I see one of them beards

and-and-and they,
and they wear the skinny jeans.

They wear the tight-ass jeans.

And I never, I don't understand
a man in skinny jeans.

I ain't never seen
a woman, like,

"Ooh, I want my man
in some skinny jeans!

"There ain't nothing
like a man...

"I want them
just tight and smooth.

"No package at all.

Just smooth, tight-ass jeans."

But they have
to wear skinny jeans,

'cause they're so skinny.

I've never seen grown men
with zero muscle development.

Like...

there must be no protein
in a kale salad, because...

like, you see them,
their arm has no taper.

The shoulder and the wrist
are the same size.

Really, if you're a young woman,

if you can't open the jar,

the jar's not getting opened.

Because...

the hipster would
actually snap his elbow

trying to apply torque...

And they smoke
electronic cigarettes.

And there is nothing
more bitch-ass...

(laughter)

...than...

(applause)

...a grown man as he puffs
on flavored steam.

All right?

Listen, you're a man.
You want to smoke?

You risk cancer like a man.

You don't walk up to me puffing
cherry jubilee for God's sake.

'Cause the minute I smell it,
I just slap the shit

right out of their mouth.

And you can do that,
'cause they're hipsters.

They won't hit back.
They'll...

they'll just write
an angry poem.

It's what they...

But-but getting back
to the health thing,

I'm not saying that-that
the health care plan,

the Obamacare,
whatever you want to call it,

it's not perfect.

There are certain parts of
the plan that don't make sense.

Like, there's a thing,
they want young people

to buy health insurance
to offset the older people

who need insurance,
and that's not gonna work.

'Cause when you're young,
that is your health insurance.

Right?
Nothing hurts when you're young.

Remember when you
were in your 20s?

Nothing hurt.
You be 22,

you fall out of a moving car,

you're like,
"Damn, I ripped my shirt.

I ripped my shirt
falling out of this car."

(woman whoops)

I joke about it,
but the truth is

I'm actually in good health.

I've never been
in better health,

and I know because
I have been through

some of the most
extensive medical testing

you can imagine.

See, recently I donated
a kidney to my brother, right?

(applause, cheering)

No, don't clap, don't clap,
don't clap.

Don't clap.
He owed me money.

I... I was like,

"I'll be damned
if you're gonna skate out

"on that bad kidney bullshit,
all right?

"I got two, you get one.

"Your ass going back to work.

That's what we gonna do."

And-and it wasn't bad.
It wasn't like the old days.

You know,
where you donate a kidney,

and you wake up in a bathtub
full of ice in Venezuela.

Like, they don't do it
that way anymore.

It's-it's called
laparoscopic surgery, right?

So they did three
little incisions here.

And they go in with a camera.

Then they kind of inflated me,
which is weird.

Then they do a little cut here,

and they go in with a hook.

And they take out
the kidney, right?

And I'm like,
"That's not surgery.

"I got friends
go in with a slim jim,

"and pull that out and they
could do that shit in the dark.

You know what I'm saying?"

And I said that to the doctor
and the doctor laughed, right?

Fortunately, I had a doctor
with a sense of humor,

because I like
to mess with people, you know.

So what they do is
you-you come in,

there's two surgical teams
and they're kind of a mirror.

One team's gonna
take the kidney out of me.

The other team's gonna
put the kidney in my brother.

So there's two surgeons,

two kidney doctors, doctors,
etcetera.

We're all in this room--

me and my brother, the doctors--

and they show you
on the computer,

they show you a computer
simulation of the surgery,

'cause they want to make sure
I'm willing to go through.

They're like, "Look, now,
you, you have any concern,

any question,
just let us know."

And I'm looking, I'm like,
"Yeah, man.

"This-this looks hard.
You, uh,

you ever done this before?"

Right?
And the doctor's laughing.

He's like,
"What? Are you kidding?"

And I'm like, "Yeah, like,
you got to go to college

to do this shit, right?"

So he's like,
"What do you...?

"My partner and I,

"we've done hundreds
of transplants.

We're like Jordan and Pippen."

And I was like,
"Your ass better be Jordan."

(laughter)

That's right. Nah.

You give my brother Pippen.

I want Jordan.

That's right.

And I want
number 23 Jordan.

I don't want number 45.

'Cause he has slowed down,
you know what I'm say...

The anesthesiologist came in--

and I wish this was a joke,

but absolutely true--
he walked in, he said,

"This is gonna be the most
restful day of your life.

"I'm gonna put you

into Michael Jackson sleep."

(laughter, gasping)

And I said, "I better
be black when I wake up."

(laughter)

I saw what you clowns
did to Mike.

I ain't having it.

And my mother
was there, obviously,

right, 'cause they're
putting both her sons under.

And if anything goes wrong,

she stands to collect
a lot of money.

So I don't blame her
for showing...

But again,
the surgical technology

was fascinating, you know?

Like, they showed me

a three-dimensional
X-ray of my body.

It was amazing-- all the organs
in place, what's all...

surgical technology-- amazing.

However...

the hospital gown, all right?

For some reason,

this thing hasn't changed ever.

Right?
Like, the first guy made one.

They're like, "Wow, nailed it.

"First shot.

No, we see no need to ever
improve on that design."

Like, first of all,
it had to have been designed

when people were
about four feet tall, right?

'Cause it's only this long.
It's-it comes to right here.

And the back is fully open

with two long strings

that no one in the hospital
knows how to tie.

They-they just give it to you.

And you're like, "No, can't...

No, this is..."

So now, you're wearing
the open back miniskirt.

Right? Not a good look
for anybody.

And they're about to put me out.

And they, and they, and if
you've ever had surgery,

you know when you're out,
your ass is out, right?

Like, I have no recollection
of this surgery.

People, like,
"How'd surgery go?"

I'm like,
"They could've taken extra shit.

I don't know what they did."

But they told me, they said,
"When you're waking up,

"when you're coming
out of Michael Jackson sleep,

"the important thing
is we need you to get up, right?

"That's how we know you're okay.

We need... So..."

I'm like, "I got it.
I can get up. I got it."

So-so they knock me out,
they do the surgery.

So now I'm in the recovery room.

And you're high, you know.

You're like, "Whoa," right?

But-but I gotta get up, right?
I'm focused.

So-so I swing one leg
out of the bed, right?

And then I swing
the other leg out

and I stood up.

And there's my mother

and there's my junk,
right there.

"Just take a look at that, Ma.

"Wow, they shaved it.

Just like last time
you saw it, huh?"

Not a good day for Mom.

She had to do that twice,
so that's not good.

Uh... so, anyway,

so I was talking about Canada.

You know, again,
social issues, right?

Gay marriage.
There's another one.

Like, we've been going
back and forth

over gay marriage
for ten years.

The Canadian
gay marriage debate,

I think that lasted
about two minutes.

All right? They were like,
"Gays want to get married.

Well, it's cold."

Right?
And that was it.

We... we finally...

(audience laughing)

It's amazing
how long it took you

to figure that one out.

We finally have
come up with, like,

we have gay marriage now,

but it's, like, they hate it
so much, they get so angry,

that they've come up
with these new laws to stop...

They have these
"religious freedom laws."

And again,
it's the most backwards,

twisted use of religion.

Like, we-we have our religion,

gives us the freedom

to discriminate
against certain people.

You know, like, again,
Jesus was big on discriminating

against people, right? So...

So the way it works,
they have these...

If I don't want to serve,
like, gay weddings, right?

Like, I don't have to.

So in Indiana,

we had a pizzeria

that refused to serve pizza

to gay weddings.

Not that any gay wedding
ever ordered pizza.

Right? There's never been
a gay wedding

where they were like, "Man, you
know what we need, man, is

some good pizza."
Right? But...

But-but they said it is
within their religious freedom

to not serve pizza
to gay weddings

that have never asked for pizza.

And just to make sure

that they don't lose any money

not serving pizza to people
who didn't want pizza,

they started a GoFundMe page

to raise money to offset

the money that
they were gonna lose

not serving pizza

to people who don't want pizza.

And they-they raised $800,000

to make sure they never
have to serve pizza

to gay people
that don't want pizza.

And in light
of this information,

I, Alonzo Bodden,
will now announce

that I will not do comedy

at gay weddings

that have never asked me
to do comedy.

And just to make sure

I never have to do comedy

at a gay wedding
that doesn't want comedy,

I have started a GoFundMe page.

Send your money
so I don't have to do comedy

for gays who don't want it,
just like Jesus said.

It is, it is unbelievable

the divisions we have.
Like race.

Race is still an issue
in this country.

You'd think, by now,
we'd have worked out something.

But what's amazing...

not only is racism,
like, coming back bigger,

but the places that...

it's colleges and universities,

that you would think would be

the most open-minded places
in the world--

the most blatant racism.

University of Oklahoma,
they have a fraternity

just singing a song, like,

"Hang a nigger from a tree,
no niggers in the fraternity."

And I'm listening to this,
I'm like, "Yeah?

What if all the niggers
quit the football team?"

Oh, there'd be a whole new song
then, wouldn't there?

"Oh, we need our niggers back!

"Where's our niggers at?

We can't win, ah!"

And I thought
that would've been great,

if all the black players
had, like, just quit

the basketball
and football teams.

But here's the thing:
they couldn't do that,

because the NCAA,

which is the organization
that runs college football,

there's a rule that
if you quit the team,

like, you lose your scholarship

and if you go somewhere else,
you have to wait a year to play.

They control everything.

And a lot of people
were mad about this.

They said, "You're-you're
controlling these kids."

They said it's like slavery.

And I said, "That's ridiculous."

College football
is nothing like slavery,

because slavery were big,
white institutions

run by rich, white men

where young, black men
did all the work.

But, see, college football's
nothing like that.

College football is where
they have big, white scho...

All right, so that's
not the best example, but...

(applause)

A-And I'm not saying

that white kids
can't play football.

But let's be honest.

If you see an all-white team,

I think we know
which way you gonna bet.

All right? Just...

It's unbelievable.

Racism in sports, man.

I'm in L.A., all right?

We got the L.A. Clippers.

Last year,
middle of the play-offs,

the owner of the Clippers
just comes out

"I don't want black people
at my games!"

You own an NBA franchise.

You talk about
not knowing your product!

You don't want black people
at a basketball game?

That's like having a Starbucks

and saying, "Why are they here
so early in the morning?"

It was ridiculous.

And, uh, you know,
and I was upset, right?

'Cause I had tickets
to the game.

But now I'm not sure if I can go
to the game or not,

'cause I don't know
what black people are gonna do.

Let me tell you right now,
you don't want to be black

and do some un-black shit.

All right? You're like...

I don't want to be
the only brother at the game.

But I don't know
what the plan is.

Because the game was coming up

before the next meeting.

Some of you are laughing,

some of you are like,
"I knew they had meetings!

"I knew it!

I never see Leroy
on Wednesday nights."

Fortunately, fortunately,
the NBA did the right thing.

You know, they banned
Donald Sterling, right?

Said the team's gonna get
a new owner and everything.

Everybody went to the game.

Very exciting, very good,

but still a little edgy,
you know?

Like, the riot police
showed up, right?

And what they do, the riot
police come in on horseback

and they line up the horses.

That's how
they do crowd control,

there's a row of horses.

And I saw something
I had never seen before.

The horses had face shields on.

Right?

And I'm thinking,

"How mad did they think
the brothers were?"

You know? I've been
around angry people before.

I ain't never been
around somebody so mad

they were ready to punch a horse
in the face.

You know how mad
you have to be to punch

a big-ass horse, y'all?

Fuck a horse up?

Hey, hey, now.

We don't need to involve
PETA in this, relax.

You know?
And we live in an age

of social media, right?

And instant communication.

Which is great, except that
idiots have the same access

to instant communication
as everyone else.

Consequently,
as soon as something happens,

you have to deal
with the idiot opinion.

Right?
So as soon as he said,

"I don't want black people
at the game,"

we had a bunch of people say,

"Well, if you don't want
black people there,

just buy a hockey team," right?

Which... right.

It's... not only is that stupid,

it wouldn't work, because there
are black hockey players now.

Yeah, and not just one or two,

like, there's-there's
a lot of black hockey players,

and I know,
because when you see one,

they don't announce him as
"the black hockey player."

Like...
whenever there's only one,

that's the only thing
you ever gonna hear is:

"he the black hockey player."
No, no, there's...

I didn't realize
how many brothers

were playing hockey.
I was like,

"You guys need to start
coming to the meetings,

"so that we would know...

We could lend our support."

Yeah.

Black people are playing hockey.

You know what that means.

NASCAR is nervous as shit.

(applause, cheering)

NASCAR is like, "What?

"They learned to skate?

Shit, they gonna
learn to drive."

It's weird, man.

You-you run into it, you know...

the South,
you still get a lot of...

Like, whenever
I go to the South,

I'll be the first to admit,

I get racially paranoid.

Whenever I have
to go to the South,

I always expect some weird shit
to happen...

and they've never let me down.

I was in Knoxville, Tennessee.

And this woman, like,
"How y'all doing?

Y'all having a good time?
How y'all doing?"

And she looks at me, she says,

"Oh, you don't hear 'y'all'

north of the Mason-Dixon line."

And I was like,

"I don't hear 'Mason-Dixon line'

"north of the Mason-Dixon line.

"What year are you living in

"that 'Mason-Dixon line' is an
accurate geographic reference?

"Now let me tell you
something, lady,

"I got a GPS right here.

There is no Mason-Dixon line..."

I'm glad you guys got that joke,

'cause when I do it, half the
people don't get that joke.

And it's usually the half below
the Mason-Dixon line, so...

but...

Oh, it's weird, man,
but it's funny.

Like, weird things
happen with race.

I was at
an international comedy festival

and had some of
the strangest experiences...

Like, there was an Asian comic.

She came out and there was
an Asian lady in the audience,

and she asked her,
"What are you?"

Right? And I'm backstage,

and I'm like,
"Shit, you don't know?"

'Cause I always thought that was
kind of racist on my part,

to not know,
and then I realized, like, no,

that's just a cultural thing

and-and it's something
I'm not familiar with, right?

Because black people, we don't
know that about our culture.

Other cultures know that, right?

So you have Asians, they know
the different Asian countries.

You might be Chinese
or Japanese

or Vietnamese
or something like that, right?

If you're Latin, you might be
Dominican or Puerto Rican.

You know, white people,
you might be French,

German or Italian or whatever.

Like, with black people,

you never hear that.

We just black.
Right?

'Cause our history got lost,
so you don't know.

There's a Web site now

where you can send in your DNA
and send money

and they tell you
where in Africa you came from.

And I'm like,

"That sounds good,

"but how the hell do I know

if it's true?"

It might just be
some guy in his basement

with a laptop.

Right?
He's collecting my money

and he's like,
"Uh... you're from, uh,

"Fuck it. The Congo.

Yeah, you're from the Congo."

Right? I don't know.

"Are you, like...
You kind of short?

Yeah, you're a pygmy.
You're a pygmy."

Uh... and it's weird.

And-and at the same thing,
the festival,

I had the strangest
racial encounter I ever had.

And it was strange

because it was
with another black person.

Right?
It was a brother from Africa.

He did his set, very funny,

but after his set,

he starts talking shit to us,

to the brothers
from the United States,

telling us how racism
is worse in Africa

than it is in America.
Right?

And I'm like, "All right, man,
I'll give you that.

Apartheid, much more recent.
You had to deal..."

But he wouldn't let it go.

He talking shit now.

I'm starting to get mad, right?

'Cause while America's not
perfect, it is still my country.

You know, you talk shit, I go,

"You shut your Ebola-ass up,"
you know?

Finally, I find myself

in the most unusual
and awkward position

of defending American racists...

(laughter)

...as some of the greatest
racists in the world.

(laughter, applause)

I'm like, "How dare you
challenge our racism,

"you arrogant son of a bitch!

"You know how long they've been
hating niggers around here?

"Shit, have you ever met
the American hillbilly?

You black and talk funny,
he'll kill you twice."

As I'm saying,
in the back of my head,

there's a voice like, "What
the fuck is wrong with you?"

I was conflicted
in my racial defense.

It's weird, man.

I-I don't know what's funny.

So I watch the news.

People ask me what's funny, they
always ask if you're a comic,

they're like,
"What-what makes you laugh?"

I watch the news,
I laugh my ass off.

The n... It's comical.

Now, you can't watch too much,
'cause you'll get depressed.

But you just watch it
for about 15, 20 minutes,

you'll be like,
"This shit is insane."

It's so funny, like,
'cause-'cause they always...

Like, for one thing,
we don't have any real news.

You have news with different
points of view, right?

So you have, like, liberal news
and the conservative news,

and then you got the fucking "we
just made this shit up" news.

Right? Like-like,
my favorite thing on the news

is when they try to be
politically correct,

they try to not offend anybody,
so they use the codes.

Like we don't know what the hell
they're talking about.

You know, like, "Today,
a group of urban youths..."

(laughter, applause)

"You mean those black kids
behind you?"

There ain't never been
a white urban youth.

I think we're onto you.

"The illegal aliens..."

"Oh, you mean the Mexicans."

Ain't no illegal Canadians
sneaking around.

"She's an outspoken woman."

"Ah, she's being a bitch,
isn't she? Yeah."

See, I know the codes, I know...

"He's a true patriot."

"He's a crazy white guy
with a gun."

They ain't never been a black
or Mexican "true patriot"

running around, all right?

You let a black guy
walk around with a gun,

going, "I know my rights."

He'd be, "Yeah, you got
the right to remain s...

You know what, fuck it."

Bang. "Shut up."

It's crazy, 'cause we have...
we have a gun culture

that is... that is unbeliev...

Everyone in America has a gun,

except for black kids
running from the cops.

Those poor bastards.

Uh, look how weird
it got just now, you go...

(laughter)

You go, "Hey, don't bring
reality into this shit."

Uh, it-it's unbelievable,

the p-position we've reached
with the police,

with white police killing
unarmed black people.

It's amazing.

And again, you have the news,

it's-it's so hilarious,
the coverage.

Like, you watch
the conservative news,

and they, you know, "white...
white cop kills a black..."

Like, "Why you making it
about race?!"

Well, shit, 'cause it ain't
about height.

(laughter, applause)

All right?
'Cause I seen black people

of all different sizes
getting killed by white cops.

(applause continues)

It-it's hilarious,
the-the way they try to justify.

"Well, what about
black-on-black crime?

Gang members kill each other."

I'm, like, "Yeah, you know why?

"'Cause it's their fucking job.

"'Cause when you join a gang,

"I think one of the first
things they tell you:

"'All right, now, do you
remember, this gang?

You got to fucking kill
members of that gang.'"

That's a... You're a cop,

you're supposed to protect us
from shit like that.

And they're like,
"Well, there are good cops."

And it's true,
there are good cops.

There are a lot of good cops.

But how come there's never
a good cop around

when a bad cop is whipping
your ass?

Right? You... never see...

...never see five bad cops
whipping some guy's ass,

and then a good cop
comes along and says,

"Hey, stop this shit."

No, you see five bad cops
whipping somebody's ass,

then you see a sixth bad cop
say, "Fuck, can I get some?"

Bad, man, it's a bad...

It's-it's real, though,
it's real.

'Cause we... we've reached...

There's no common sense.

That-that's the problem,
you know?

Like, like with the gun thing.

Like, Congress tried to ban
armor-piercing bullets, right?

Now, these are bullets,
their only design...

they're designed to kill humans.

That's the only thing
you could use...

That's why it's called
"armor-piercing."

It will go through body armor,

it will go through the side
of a car, it's... and the...

The NRA was like,
"No, you can't ban those.

We need those for hunting."

(scattered laughter)

Now, I'm not a hunter,
all right?

So I can't speak
from experience.

But I think if I'm hunting

and I see a deer wearing
a bulletproof vest,

then I'm-a let that one go.

You know, I'm guessing-- fuck,
he knows somebody, you know?

Right?

He wearing a bulletproof vest.

Uh, he got friends and shit.

No common sense.

School shootings have
reached such...

such a proportion,
we're not even shocked anymore

when there's a school shooting.

It's a sad state we're in,
but it's like,

"Oh, fuck, it happened again,"
you know?

Now-now, to their defense,

the NRA did have a plan
to stop school shootings.

Right? They said,

"Well, let's just arm
the teachers."

Well, yeah,
what could go wrong there?

(laughter)

Right? The average
kindergarten teacher

is a 24-year-old woman
fresh out of college.

She's still scared of bugs.

(laughter)

Right?

And you think you just gonna
toss her a high-powered weapon,

and suddenly everything's
gonna be all right?

Yeah, shit will be great.

Until she sees a spider.

Like, "Oh, my God, what happened
to the back row?!"

"Well, Miss Wilson saw a bug,
that's what happened.

"Hey, we yelled, 'Duck.'

"Those kids are slow back there.
You...

Miss Wilson sees a bug,
you got to hit the dirt."

And it's always... it's always
the same argument, right?

From the NRA-- "The Second
Amendment to the Constitution.

"We have the right to bear arms.

We need a militia."

And blah, blah, blah.

Like, shut up!

That was written hundreds
of years ago.

You know why they said
we needed a militia?

'Cause we didn't have
an army back then.

We have one now, right?

And one day... one day,

scientists are gonna come up
with a time machine,

and these guys are gonna get
to go back in time

and actually meet
the Founding Fathers

and talk to them about this.

You imagine?

Founding Father'd be, "What?!

"What, machine gun?!

"80-round clip, what the hell
is wrong with you?

"Look at me, I have a musket.

"It takes 20 minutes
to load this damn thing.

"Mass murder, who's got
that kind of time?

"Are you kidding?

"I got crops to bring in.

"'80-round clip,' what else have
you fucked up in the future?!

A black president?!"

(laughter, applause)

"What?

"What the hell
are you people...

Well, who owns him?"

(laughter, groaning)

"Free?!

"Free, you mean they just
run around?!

"Well, how do you get
any work done?

What's a Mexican?"

(laughter, applause)

That's right.

Politically incorrect but
historically accurate humor...

just for you, my friends.

That was hilarious to me.

(whooping)

No, I'm just laughing, 'cause
when I said, "Who owns him?",

you guys acted shocked.

Like, "Oh, my God, you mean
they used to own black people?

What is this you talk about?"

Oh, man, I don't know.

I was, like... talking about
the black president, man,

Barack Obama, shit.

I admire Barack Obama, I do.

(applause, cheering, whooping)
I do.

'Cause I'm-a tell you right now,
that "black president" shit

ain't working out like
it was in the brochure, is it?

You know, going in, he'd be,
"I'm the first black president.

This is historic,
this is gonna be great."

Now it's been six years,
he, like, "This is bullshit.

You can have this shit."

You know?
It's-it's amazing, it's ama...

Because if you could...
if you could separate

from the racial aspect
and just look at what he's done,

honestly, he's been one

of the greatest presidents
we've ever had, he...

Right? We were...

(whooping, applause)

Right? I mean, let's be honest.

The country was broke;

we were in the middle
of two wars;

people didn't have jobs;

shit was just a mess.

You know, he came in;

he fucking...
he got bin Laden, right?

Saved the auto industry;

unemployment's down, right?

Price of gas is down;

soldiers coming home,
and they're like,

"Man, we hate Barack Obama."

"Why? 'Cause he's black?"

"No, his policies."

Yeah, chief policy--
his ass is black.

That's the number one, I know...

But I, but I admire him.

I admire him 'cause Barack Obama
doesn't snap, right?

He doesn't let it get to him.
He stays right here.

No matter what happens,
he's like,

"I can deal with it,
I'm the president."

Takes the middle of the road,

even when you know,
on some personal level,

that shit has
to bother him, right?

Like, I was talking about cops
killing black kids.

Now, you... He's a black man.

I know, on some level,
that shit has to make him mad.

But he doesn't let it...
He doesn't let you know.

He's like, "I'm-a let the
Justice Department handle it.

"The courts will take
care of it.

Everybody, stay calm."

Just once, I'd like... just...

tell us what you
really think, man.

Just... come...

I'd love Barack Obama
just walk up to the podium,

"Y'all shoot another nigga,
I will unleash the Army!

"Oh, shit, did I say that?

"Did I say...

"Michelle, did I say...?

Oh, my..."

I want to hear
Barack Obama say "nigger"

just so I can watch heads
on Fox News explode.

Like...

Yeah.

(laughter, applause)

That would literally be the one
thing that they couldn't handle.

They'd be, "Oh, my God,
he said, 'nigger.'

Can we say it? No. Aah!"

(imitates explosion)

"Today Bill O'Reilly died."

"What happened?"
"Too many niggers in his head."

Just popped right the fuck off.

I don't know, man.

And-and I mentioned,
I mentioned, uh, the military.

And I got to give a shout-out
to the military,

because I-I, I've been, I've
done military shows, I've...

Yeah, you can clap for them,
clap for them.

(applause, cheering)
That's right.

But that's a tough-ass job,
every branch of the military,

and I respect them,
and I'm-I'm fortunate enough

I get to entertain them.

And I like to joke with them,
I like to fuck with all of them.

Except Marines.

I don't mess with Marines, man,

'cause Marines are bad-ass,
you know what I mean? Like...

And you can tell by-by what...

This is how you know what branch
you're dealing with.

The commercials.

Ever watch the commercials
that recruit,

and they always tell you what
you can do after you get out?

Right? Like, you learn
a skill you can use.

You know, so if you're
in the Army, they're like,

"We teach you leadership,"
and shit like that, right?

And then...
and then you come out...

This guy is laughing
'cause he was in the Army.

"Leadership," my ass.

He's like...
he's marching through Iraq,

like, "This shit was not
on the commercial."

But the Army--
they-they tell you that, right?

And then you're in the Navy,
and they show you...

you learn high-tech stuff,
right? The Air Force and...

it's all high-tech, and you can
get a job when you get out.

You ever notice the Marines
never run those commercials?

You know why? 'Cause Marines
learn to kill people.

Like, that's what they do.

Marines are bad-ass.

You can't get a job doing that
after you get out.

You imagine a Marine
at a job interview?

Right? He just comes in.

He's like, "Um, sorry,
I killed your receptionist.

Well, now, I know you didn't
hear it. I'm a Marine."

"Okay."

Man, I hope they laugh
when they see this show.

That could be my ass.

No, but I do. I got a lot
of respect for the troops.

It's weird, but I was joking
about the president. I...

What happened to our government?

When did our government just
lose their damn minds, you know?

Weed is legal in DC now,
you know that?

You can smoke weed in DC.

I hope that's the explanation
for what's going on.

I would love to find out
they're all high right now.

Li-Li-Like, you know,
that would explain shit.

Like, can you imagine the
United States Senate, right?

They're just sitting around
smoking weed, like...

(hoarsely): "Man, you know
what we should do?"

(exhales, inhales)

"We should write a letter
to Iran.

Yeah, tell 'em the president
don't count. Aah!"

And I'd be, like, "Oh, that
explains that shit."

But, no, man,
the show's about to start again.

When I say the show, I mean
our next presidential election.

'Cause that's what
it's turned into.

It is just...
it's the early candidates.

You always get
the crazy son of a bitches

right up front, right?

Like we have Ben Carson.

(audience member groans)
No. Look, yeah, I know, I know.

(laughter)
I know,
and it's one of those things.

This is one of the things
that I just don't understand,

but I get it, like,
with black people.

We are... we are united
in the fact

that we're always embarrassed
by a stu...

one stupid one,
one black person...

I mention Ben Carson, all the
black people in the crowd,

are, like, "Oh, shit, yeah.

Oh, shit, we thought..."

No, we thought he was a surgeon,
and he's brilliant.

Uh, sorry.

Not responsible for Ben Carson.

Ben Carson...

And I don't understand it.
I don't.

The man's a neurosurgeon, right?

And then he comes out,
and he says

that Obamacare
is the worst thing

to happen since slavery.

And I'm, like, what?

Maybe he got too smart, and his
brain just snapped or some shit.

Like, how do you say
some shit like that--

Obamacare is like slavery?

As if 200 years from now,

they're gonna make a movie,
Twelve Years of Healthcare.

(laughter and applause)

Right? And it just gonna show
some poor bastard

who was uninsured,
and they grabbed him,

and they took him down
and gave him health insurance.

And then they took him in,
and he got a medical exam,

and he... he got medication.

And they grabbed his children
who were under 26,

and they said,
"You, too, are now insured."

And the poor bastard ran.

Wrote letters, say, "Free me
from this health insurance.

I'd rather run around uninsured
and fucking die."

Insane, right?

You got Ted Cruz.

(people groaning)

Yeah, see, now white people

are, like,
"Oh, fuck, he's ours."

That's how
we're gonna come together.

We just have these two idiots,
and the black people

and white people look at each
other and say, "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, so am I.

So am I."

(laughter and applause)

Ted Cruz is fascinating.

First of all,
I don't even know what he is.

You know, like, he's Canadian,

or American,
so I don't even know.

And he's trying to hide it,
and you know...

And-and he's...

whew, this is a live one.

There's a military exercise
called "Jade Helm,"

and it's all
the special forces, like,

literally the most bad-ass
military we have.

Like Green Berets and Rangers
and SEALs,

and all the special forces
are gonna go out in the desert,

and they're gonna do exercises,
military exercises,

and figure out-- right?

So this is bad-ass.

And there's this crazy
conspiracy theory

that this military exercise
is not a military exercise.

It's actually
Barack Obama's secret plot

to take over the United States.

That he's gonna
start these, like,

some kind of weird
martial law thing, right?

And the shit sounds crazy,

but Ted Cruz,
a senator, is, like,

"Well, I'm gonna call
the Pentagon

and see what's going on."

And what I love about that--

not only are you crazy
to believe this conspiracy,

but you're even crazier to think

that they have worked out
a conspiracy

between the president,
the Pentagon,

and the most powerful military
people in the the United States,

and somehow,
you're gonna stop the whole shit

by making a phone call.

(laughter and applause)
Right? Like...

like the head
of the Pentagon's gonna be

on the phone to the president:
"Mr. Obama?" "Yeah."

"They're onto us.

"Ted Cruz just make
a phone call.

We just have to abandon
the whole fucking plan."

I don't know.

Could be the next president
of the United States.

We're bat-shit crazy.

Never know. Might happen.

Don't worry, there's not
much chance of it happ...

It's so funny. Young people
get worried when I say that.

I joke with young people,
'cause I love you guys.

You guys are young,

and you... the future is yours,
and all I can say is,

"Ha, ha! We're sorry."

'Cause we pretty much
fucked it up.

I don't know
how much you read the paper,

but, you know,
listen, my genera...

I'm at the base
of the baby boomer generation.

We're getting old,
we're getting ready to retire.

We're getting sick, we're gonna
need medical care, all right?

We ain't gonna be
paying taxes anymore.

We're pretty much
gonna be riding you, okay?

(laughter)
And we're gonna...

Yeah, and you're laughing now,

but then you're gonna look
for a job and a home,

and you're gonna see
we sucked all that shit up.

And I care,
I care about you young people.

I love you young people.

And I've come up with a plan,
and I want to help you guys.

Now pay attention. You might
want to write this down,

or fucking tweet it or Snapchat
it, or however you communicate.

Start killing old people,
all right?

They... Listen,
it's your only hope.

Look, no, I'm not saying,
like, kill your grandfather.

But your grandfather's friends--
you don't know them.

They're just random old people

in the way
of you having a better future.

Shit, you groaning.
You want to own a home one day?

You better pay attention:

Start killing old people.

Yeah. Just get... Yeah.

Yeah, look, look,
you're looking for jobs,

but there are no jobs, right?

'Cause we sent your job
to Pakistan or some shit, right?

Good. Now you got free time.

Volunteer to drive
the old folks bus.

Take 'em out
to the middle of the desert,

tell 'em the bus broke down.

Go back and get another batch.

Fuck 'em!

(laughter, applause)
You want to own a home?

This is the shit
you're gonna have to do.

Yeah, you're laughing,
young lady.

You're a cook.

Go to the old folks home
and spike the soup.

Get rid of 'em.

That's right, and when my day
comes, fuck, kill me, too.

I'll go out. You'll be,

"Alonzo, you know
it was your plan."

I'll be, like,
"You got me, you got me."

(laughter)

That joke gets nothing
in Florida.

(laughter)

(applause)

I don't know.

It's weird, man.
Things have changed.

Young people-- kids!

It's so different now.

I was reading
about free-range children.

Yeah, free-range children--
strangest thing.

Apparently, today's children--

their day is so organized,
right?

They have, like, school,
then they have after school,

then they have soccer practice,
then they have ballet.

Then I don't know
whatever the hell else they do.

But they...
their day is so organized.

The idea of kids just
running around is so unheard of

that now they call it
"free-range children."

Right?
So I'm reading an article.

Some lady in Texas--
her child was playing

in the field
100 yards from the house.

And Child Services came

to get her for allowing the kid
to play unsupervised.

Now, when I was a kid,
they used to call that,

"Go outside!"

(laughter, applause)
That's what it was.

Your mother... Right?

(applause, cheering)
Your...

Your mother would just get tired
of looking at you.

It was usually like the
second day of summer vacation.

And she'd...

(stammering)
"Go outside!"

And that was only instruction
you got.

Go out the house.

No when to come back,
no there's gonna be food.

Like, "Get your ass outside!"

Right? Sometime they give you
a choice. "In or out?

"Make up your mind!

In or out?"

(applause)
Now you had to decide

whether you were gonna be
inside or outside all day,

and that's a tough decision
if you four...

(laughter)

Right? Because you're, like,
"I can run outside,

"but inside, they got food.

I got to make this decision."

But... and you know,
and then you see...

Like, I don't have kids because
I don't have the patience.

Like, good kids are easy.

But when I see bad kids, I'm,
like, "I-I... I don't know."

I was... I was at the airport,

and I was watching Dylan, right?

And I know his name's Dylan,

'cause that's what
his mother was yelling...

as she's chasing that little
bastard all over the airport.

'Cause Dylan was
about this high,

and he was fast.

You know, and he's just going.

And, like, "Dylan!"

And that just... fucker run.

And I'm watching this,
and I'm fascinated, right?

Because the idea
of run from your mother?

Are you out of your mind?

You must be crazy.

My mother would dare you to run.

Dare.
It'd be an open challenge.

"You want to run? Go.

Go. I'll give you
a head start. Run."

(laughter and applause)
"That's right.

But if you run,
don't ever stop."

(laughter)

"Don't ever stop
'cause I catch you..."

(applause and cheering)

All right, your mom'd be, like,

"I catch you, I will kill you
right where you stand."

Your mother could threaten
to kill you in public,

and nobody said shit.

Except other mothers threatening
to kill their children.

They'd be, like,
"You want to run with him,

you die right next to him."

(laughter and applause)
"You die right... Run.

Go ahead.
You die right next to him."

You couldn't run
from your mother

'cause there was
some unwritten rule

that any mother
could hit any kid.

WOMAN: Yes.
Right? You'd be running.

Some woman you don't even know
just see you...

"What the...?"
Wham! "I got him."

(laughter)
"I... No, he's down.

Whose is he? I got him."

(laughter, applause)
"I got.... No.

"I got my foot on his neck.
He ain't going nowhere.

"Is he yours? Is he...?

Catch your breath. Come whip
his ass. He's right here."

I was watching Dylan run,

and I was gonna elbow the little
son of a bitch, you know...

But I'm not in the NFL.
I wouldn't get away with it.

(audience groaning)

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm the bad guy. Yeah.

Yeah, it's... Listen,

I'm a football fan.
I love football.

Domestic violence.
And it had gotten so ridiculous.

Like, you literally...
they had to give a report

at the beginning of every game

as to who was
or wasn't gonna be there

based on what crime
they had committed.

Like, "Well,
the running back's out.

"He done beat his wife again.

"Then we got a wide receiver.
Yeah, he done hit the kid.

"Tight end.
Yeah, he's on parole.

It's an away game.
He can't travel."

It had gotten ridiculous.
That thing with Ray Rice--

when Ray Rice beat that woman
in that elevator--

not only was it terrible,
it upset me,

'cause that affected me
personally... you understand?

'Cause I'm a large black man.

And now,
whenever I get in an elevator,

the minute a woman steps in,

I'm like,
"You better not pass out.

"All right?
Now, you stay on your side,

"and I'm over here on my side,

'cause we both know there's
a camera in here somewhere now."

It was ridiculous.
The funniest and saddest thing

about it was watching
Roger Goodell,

the Commissioner of the NFL.

Every time he gave a speech,

he sounded
like he just found out

you're not supposed
to hit women.

He always seemed to be the most
confused person in the room.

He'd just be standing
at the podium, like,

"Uh... uh...

"apparently,

"mm, you're not supposed
to hit 'em.

"Uh, I know. Who knew, right?

"But-but, no,
we're gonna straighten it out.

"We're gonna give him
a suspension.

"We're gonna give him...
Whole season?

"For beating bitches?

Suspend him
for the whole season."

And the...
and the sad thing was,

when they did that, it had
nothing to do with the victims

of the violence-- it was because
of the sponsors, right?

The sponsors threatened
to end it.

And the...
money talks, you know?

Anheuser-Busch is the biggest
sponsor of pro football--

the beer company--
and they threatened the NFL.

And I love how they did it,

'cause they did it,
like, gangster-style.

Right? You know
how gangsters threaten you

without really threatening you?

They just make a statement,
kind of let you figure it out.

So, Anheuser-Busch,
they said, "Listen,

"we are gonna have
to rethink our relationship

with the NFL," right?

Which is like
Tony Soprano saying,

"I'm thinking about
taking you for a ride."

Here's the thing: you know
how bad you have to beat women

for a beer company to tell you
to stop beating women?

Like, you know you've crossed
the line-- let's be honest.

The only thing beer sponsors

more than football
is beating women.

Shit, we've all seen Cops.

Every time that fucker
comes out the trailer,

he got a beer in his hand.

(applause, cheering)

I love the odd moments you guys
turn on me. You're like...

"Hey, Alonzo, go easy
on the beer companies now."

I don't know. You think
when all that was going on

that, like, the owners
and executives in the NFL

were sitting around, saying,
"Man, remember the good old days

when our only problem was gay?"

Right? See,
'cause people forgot that.

At the beginning
of last football season,

that was the big issue,

the possibility
of a gay football player.

We had that kid,
Michael Sam, right?

Drafted out of college,
openly gay. And they were p...

"Oh, my God, gay?
No, we can't have a gay guy.

"He'll ruin the league.

What about
the NFL morals clause?"

And I was like, "The what?!

The what? There's an N..."

I didn't know
there was an NFL morals clause.

'Cause I was watching the game,

and the dog killer threw a pass
to the wife beater,

who was tackled
by the attempted murderer.

And... Yeah.

At no point did they throw
a morals flag.

And I just guaranteed
I will never get an NFL gig.

That's-- okay.

I don't understand the panic
over gay athletes,

like we haven't had gay athletes
since the beginning of time.

What, are you kidding?
Male figure skating?

I don't even know if that's
a sport, but I know it's gay.

All right?
I'm looking at my screen.

There's a guy in tight spandex
with sequins spinning around.

Some gay shit going on...
on the screen.

That-that Olympic wrestling.
That Greco-Roman wrest...

That's the gayest shit
I have ever seen.

That is so gay that two gay guys
could be blowing each other,

and they will stop, remove the
penis from their mouth, and say,

"That's some gay shit
you watching. That's..."

That's how gay it is,

when two guys in spandex
and sweat

start wrasslin',
you know what I'm saying?

And-and it's so funny,
'cause we always panic

about gay people
doing something.

Then they do it, right?
And nothing happens.

And then, suddenly,
we're cool with it.

So, we had Jason Collins,

basketball player,
first openly gay man

in a major team sport, right?

Jason came out,
played a basketball game,

lightning did not strike
the arena.

Suddenly,
we were all good with it:

"Oh, Jason, we love you.
We're so proud.

Oh, Jason, we're..."
And I call bullshit on that.

You love Jason Collins.
Course you love Jason Collins.

Jason Collins
is seven feet tall,

255 pounds.

You know what that is?
That's a lot of gay.

Right?
Of course you support a gay man

who's seven feet, 255.

What, you be,
"Hey, you big fag!" No.

No, that's never gonna happen.

You meet a man who's seven feet,
255, and gay,

your only hope
is he don't decide

you're gonna be gay.

Right? 'Cause the moment
he makes that decision,

you're just along
for the ride now.

"All right, now, Jason,
you be gentle now.

"I ain't never done this before.

"Th-That thing looks
kind of big.

I don't know."

Oh, man. This is fun, man.

Having a good time
with this show.

My foot's kind of hurting,
but I...

I would sit down, but I can't do
comedy sitting down.

'Cause Bill Cosby
does comedy sitting down.

(audience groans, laughs)

See? See?
You work all your year...

all your life, as a comic,

you work to be like Cos,
and now I'm, like,

"Eh, don't do that to 'em."

That's such
a weird situation, right?

I had to think a lot about it.

'Cause I'm a big fan
of Bill Cosby the comic.

I think, you know,
genius comic, right?

But it was one of those things

that,
because we love him so much,

we didn't want to believe it,
you know what I mean?

So-so you have all
this testimony and-and witnesses

and people...
women who've been through it,

but we can't... we-we have
the proof, we know it's true,

but we don't want to believe it.

It's like being a Republican
every day.

I know it's a cheap shot,
but I had to take it.

All right, all right,
we're off all of that. Yeah.

Loosened up now. I'm looking
at this good-looking crowd.

A lot of couples and all that.

I don't even want
to go into that,

but it's-it's so weird now,
right? Dating.

Everything's changed with
the advent of-of social media

and-and you carry your phone
all the time.

Like, now, you want to hook up?

(scoffs)
There's an app for that.

That shit is amazing to me.

Like, now you want to get laid,

you just take out
your phone, right? And then...

You know, 'cause... I mean,
it's a different generation.

I don't do it, right?
My nephew...

I got a nephew in his 20s--
he was showing it to me, man.

Like, Tinder and Instagram.
My nephew's, like,

a Instagram assassin.

He is! He showed me. He said,
"Look, Unc, all you do

"is you flick
through the pictures, right.

"Then you hit one,
you hit 'like,'

"then she hits 'like.'

A couple of days later, bam."

And I'm, like, "On a 'like'?!

That's all the effort
you put in? A like."

Shit, if that worked,
I'd have 23 kids. You kidding?

And I'm not knocking it.
I'm cool with this.

Just shows how things
have changed, you know.

'Cause I-I'll admit,
I look, you know,

but I can't be trying
to hook up on Instagram.

I'm a little too old to be
trying.

I can look on Instagram.

I can't be hitting on girls
on Instagram.

Then I'd be the creepy guy
on Instagram, right?

And-and, no, I used to think

creepy was the worst thing
a guy could be.

And then I heard
these two girls talking

about a guy who looked rapey.

And I was like,
"That's a thing now?

There's rapey out there?"

That is the worst shit
I have ever heard.

Can you imagine being described
as rapey?

Right, if you looked rapey,

you would do anything to get
back to creepy, wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you?
You'd be at the gym every day.

Like,
"Man, you're working out hard."

"Man,
I got to get back to creepy.

Somehow I done slipped
into rapey."

How do you function
in everyday life looking rapey?

Right? You can't go to
the grocery store looking rapey.

You're like, "Wow,
there's no one in the aisle."

'Cause your rapey ass
is in the aisle!

How 'bout you go home, someone
else can buy some cereal today,

you rapey son of a bitch?

Can't buy a car. Right?

The minute... the minute you hit
the-the car lot, the guy's like,

"Oh, oh, yeah,
we got vans in the back.

"Well, no,
you look kind of rapey.

"We figure you need a new van.

It's clean.
No DNA on those vans."

Worst... And I asked the girls,

'cause I had never heard "rapey"
before,

and I said... I said, "So...

"This... If you knew a guy
who looked rapey,

like, would you tell him?"

And, look, she's shaking
her head, like, "No. No."

And that's horrible.

That is wrong.
That is wrong.

Because... Who's-who's here?
Like, this guy, you're here

with your lady, right?
If she goes out,

if she has something
in her teeth

and you don't say anything,
you're an asshole.

Right? Yet you could walk around
looking rapey for years.

And nobody tells you.
You're like,

"Wow, I ain't had a date
in a long time."

"Well, you look kind of rapey."

"When were you gonna tell me
that?!"

That is information
a man could use.

Ladies, if you have a friend
who looks rapey,

let him in on it.

Uh...

This was a fun show.
I gotta wrap up the show,

but I never want
to end the show on "rapey."

Right? 'Cause that...
'cause that's what'll happen.

The show would be...
"How was the show, man?"

"Alonzo, th-that's
a rapey guy. He..."

You guys all be on Twitter:
"Yeah, Alonzo. #rapey."

Yeah.

I don't need that attached
to my name.

I-I travel to other countries.
I can see myself now,

just standing at the border,
"Ooh, slow down, Mr. Rapey.

We don't need you here."

I do, as I said,
I travel all the time.

Love... love seeing
other countries.

And it's so funny, their
impression of the United States.

Right?
I was in the Netherlands.

Guy comes up,
"So do you know Barack Obama?"

Like I would just
know him, you know?

Like, "Well, yeah,
he comes to the meetings."

And I've...

(laughter, applause)
You know?

I don't know Barack Obama.
Barack Obama's the president.

The president has a whole team
of Secret Service

to protect him from stranger--
no, wait a minute,

they don't really
protect Barack Obama, do they?

Maybe I will wander
in the White House.

No, I'm kidding.
I would love to meet him.

I never met the president.
So it's weird meeting someone

who's, like, that famous,
you know what I mean?

Like, not even celebrity
but that next level

of unbelievable fame.
Not too long ago,

I met Quincy Jones.

(whooping)
And... Yeah, exac... See, that's
the reaction you get, yeah.

See, you're applauding for me
just 'cause I met

Quincy Jones.
That's how crazy...

Like, Quincy Jones--
the greatest music producer

of all time, and-and he was...

Couldn't have been a nicer guy.

Just-just very
down-to-earth and he's talking,

but when you talk
with Quincy Jones,

you got to understand
the level of story

you're gonna get...
because of who he is.

So he's talking about
having made records

with-with Frank Sinatra
and Michael Jackson, right?

And he's met, like,

all the presidents,
you know what I mean?

He's done music with-with
everybody from-from...

He was talking about meeting
Brezhnev, president of Russia.

And-and Barack Obama
and, of course, Clinton.

He did music for an Olymp--
and I'm just sitting there,

like, "Holy shit.

I got nothin'."

You know what I mean?

Like, what do you say
when the conversation

comes to you, you know?
It's like, you-you...

friends with Ray Charles,
you know, Stevie Wonder.

Like, get to me, I'm like,
"Listen, Mr. Jones,

"the best story I got--

I fuckin' met you."

Like, I just met Quincy Jones.
Let me tell you about that.

It's the most awkward moment.

He was very impressed

with the fact that I know
Quincy Jones, though. I...

I was, uh, I don't know...
funny, man, it's funny.

I laugh at random stuff.
Again, that's the biggest

question people have of comics:
what do you laugh at?

If you follow me around during
the day, you'll see me laughing

and you won't even know
what I'm laughing at.

'Cause I just saw
some random, funny shit.

I was crossing the street.

I'm standing
at the crosswalk, right?

A seeing-eye dog walked
right up next to me and stopped.

No blind person.

It was just the dog.

He had the harness on
and everything.

And I'm looking at him like,
"Yo, man, you lost something."

And I was laughing,
'cause all I was thinking

is somewhere
there's a blind guy going,

"Where's my dog?!"

And people like,
"Oh, the poor son of a bitch

thinks he has a dog."

And the light changed

and the dog got up
and walked across the street.

And I'm like,
"Son of a bitch, you good."

You guys are good, too, man.
I'm Alonzo Bodden.

Thank you so much.

(cheering, whooping)
Thank you, guys.

♪ ♪

Thank you.

Thank you, up top.

Chicago!

(audience whistling, cheering)

Hashtag rapey!

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Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
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