All language subtitles for Children.Ruin.Everything.S03E07.Spontaneity.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

This is like, what,
the third time this week

for quesadillas?
It's like a crummy Groundhog Day

for my mouth.
- Well, it's the only thing

that all three kids like.

Soon they'll hate them

and we won't know what to make.

I'm ready to try
perogies again.

Felix, you're supposed
to be upstairs

doing your teeth right now.

I just started this podcast

and I've already missed
some of it

because you guys are talking.

Hey, bedtime is the same time
every day,

buddy. Come on,
let's go. Upstairs!

Parenting
has a lot of routine.

Make the same meals,
wash the same clothes,

you read the same
bedtime stories.

To say that it can
feel like a mind-numbing

repetitive cycle of drudgery
is unfair. And accurate.

Well, I'm still hungry.

I couldn't eat
those quesadillas.

I know, me too.
Well, grocery day is tomorrow.

- Mm-hmm.
- We're low on everything.

What about
a delivery situation?

Ooh!

Yes!

Oh, damn it,
Thai Hard is closed!

What, that was
the best Pad Thai!

- It's a weed shop now.
- Isn't the Greek place

we loved also a weed shop now?

Yes! Feta Attraction!

Where are we supposed
to get our food now,

a grocery store? A farm?

Hmm, I don't want pizza.
Sushi?

I mean, it takes
too long to get here.

I'm so hungry,
I can't even think.

I need to eat, like, right now.

Me too, okay. I gotcha.

Well...

we got all the ingredients
for... quesadillas.

We could put
hot sauce on ours.

Hey, that's a new
kettle of fish.

Okay, and ooh,

here is us in a marketplace
in Lima.

The vendor thought
I was local

because my accent was that good.

You're great with accents.

Yeah, big fan
of your Shrek impression.

Thank you.
Oh, and that's Bo

meeting a flock of flamingoes
in the wild.

They just let you
hold them like that?

I spent considerable
time earning her trust.

God, James and I don't even
have time to go out for dinner.

How can you guys
just zip down to Peru?

Well, we leave as soon
as the travel bug hits us,

otherwise... ya fuiste.

- Oh!
- Oh, sorry,

I keep slipping into Spanish.

That means,
"the moment has passed."

This moment seems to be
really taking its time.

You guys will find time
for yourselves when you retire.

It may have taken me 30 years,

but the time will
go by like that.

Ow! God, my wrist!

Stupid bones!

You know, being impulsive
is good for the soul.

Even an unplanned carwash

while blasting opera
can be transformative.

No, it can't! Stop taking me.

No, uh... we are spontaneous.

I sometimes take
a shortcut home from work.

Why only sometimes?

Well, in high school,
you cut class

to take the bus to Montreal

to see that
Alanis Morissette concert.

Yes, I did. I did do that.
And that was only...

23 years ago?

Can't be that long ago.
Can it? Oh, my God!

Oh... Oh no.
- That was so long ago!

James, we have to do
something spontaneous

and impulsive,
like, immediately.

- Okay.
- Let's buy a karaoke machine.

- Why a karaoke machine?
- Because I just thought of it.

Okay, ooh. We are going
to have some unplanned fun.

First we just have
to check in with each other,

then check our schedules,
then make sure the kids

are being taken care of.
And then, we are good to go.

Weather permitting.

Oh, my God,
I saw this concert in 1999.

That was...
- 25 years ago.

- Thank you.
- I know that because

that's the year I was born.

- Thank you.
- Yep!

God, Jagged Little Pill
was so long ago

it's a stage musical now.

Aw, I think it's so cute
when they take music

from the olden days and they
turn it into stage shows,

so that old people
can remember their youth.

Heh, heh, heh,
yeah, what old dork

would see something like this?
- Yeah, I know.

I mean, reviews are great, though.

Theatrical experience
the New York Times

is calling catchy and crunchy.

100 millilitres...

What's up?

Hi. Do you wanna see
Jagged Little Pill tomorrow?

What, Alanis is in town?

No, it's a musical
based off the album.

Oh, that sounds...

- I already bought tickets.
- ...amazing!

Yeah, it's a matinee,
so the audience is full

of old people,
but we'll just beat them all

to the bathroom at intermission.

Okay, uh, I thought we said
we were gonna discuss things

before we um,
followed our whims?

I know, but Morris
is gonna be in daycare

and the kids are in school,
it's a perfect time.

Come on, play hooky with me.

Yeah, um, Jean-Luc may
let you do whatever you want.

- I'm not even telling him.
- But Marla is not

as easygoing. Uh, that time
I asked for a day off

to get my wisdom teeth out,
she asked to see the X-rays

and had notes for the dentist.

You can do it.
I believe in you! Love you. Bye.

Hey, hey, we're done?
Okay... Ah... 'Kay.

That's...

Oh, sorry, James.

That's not, nope,
that wasn't me,

that was my desk.
- I keep doing that.

I just had
laser eye surgery.

If I get even a speck
of dust in my eye,

I could lose my vision.
- Huh.

Marla said if I took
the day off,

I would Stevie Wonder
where my job went.

Anyways, these are for you.

So, Marla, the...

What is it?

Huh? Oh, uh...

About tomorrow--
- Oh, big day.

Corporate Strategy Planning.
All hands on deck.

Fintekoäly is watching.

If even one thing goes wrong,
I will lose my mind.

You can count on me.
I'm gonna be here all day.

I'm just gonna work
right through lunch.

That's why I came over here
to the kitchen

part of the office,
just to tell you

that I'm-I'm your man
and I'm gonna be here,

and I'm committed
to the Wednesday.

'Kay, bye-bye. Whew.

I don't wanna
go to school tomorrow.

My bones feel weird.

Yeah, that means
they're growing.

School makes them
grow straight.

Hey, you know,
Mommy and Daddy

have to go to work,

and you have to go
to school and learn.

And also the bones thing.
- But your guys' jobs are fun.

You get money.

You get paid in knowledge.

Also free childcare,
which is basically

all the modern education system
is now to me.

- James.
- No, no, your mother's right.

You're going to school tomorrow,
you and your bones.

- My bones...

- How'd it go with Marla?
- Oh, I was not prepared.

We're being spontaneous,
James.

There's no being prepared.
- Can't we just be spontaneous

on the weekend, in between
karate and basketball,

and Morris' nap?

You're calling
in sick tomorrow.

No. She told me specifically

that tomorrow is like,
a big day.

Can a day at work
possibly be bigger

than front-row seats
in the balcony

of the Jagged
Little Pill musical?

It's so hard to lie.
She's like a human lie detector

that uh, screams at you.

Okay, well,
then you know what?

We're gonna do what the cast
of Jagged Little Pill did.

Rehearse 'til it's perfect.

James, why are you dialling?
This is pretend.

I'm a method actor, Astrid.

It's ringing.
- Hello, James,

my number one lieutenant.
What can I do for you?

Uh, hi, Marla.
I'm so sorry but I-I'm

not feeling very good today.

Sorry to hear that, James.

Rest up and we'll see you
when you're feeling better.

Well, this is not gonna
help me if you're not gonna

pretend to be weird-ass Marla,
who's scary and mean.

What, what? I mean,
I'm just trying to build you up.

All right, fine.

Hello, James,
what the hell do you want?

Uh, yeah, sorry, uh, Marla,

sorry for
the last-minute call here,

but I accidentally...
cut off my foot.

- Can I see a picture?
- Unfortunately, I can't do that

because uh, my phone is broken.

Huh?
- James, you're literally

on the phone.
- Oh, the phone is broken.

I said that it was--
Ugh, see?

This is why I can't
lie to Marla. I--

That's just an excuse!
Yes, you can. Try again.

Hi, James, why can't
you come into work?

Hey, uh, 'cause uh,
I fell... down a well.

Okay, you know what?
New approach.

No human contact.

You're gonna wake up early
and what you're gonna do

is you're gonna call and you're
gonna leave a message.

That actually might work.

Feel tired. Also nervous.

And also guilty.
My bones feel weird.

You're fine. We need this.

We work very hard
and we deserve a day off.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm,
no, you're right, you're right,

you're right. You're right,
my love. Here we go!

Hi, you've reached
Marla's phone.

And this is Marla.
Who am I speaking to?

Uh, Marla. It's 6:30.
What are you doing at work?

Work is a state of mind,
James, and I am always there.

But yes, I'm at Gero's,
where are you?

My house. In the kitchen.
At the island.

The second on the right side--
You've never been here.

Didn't you get my email?
What part of "We ride at dawn!"

didn't you understand?

All of it. Also, I'm sick.

You sound fine.

Nope, not fine. I was up
all night... with diarrhea.

- Yeah, you're on speaker.
- That sucks about

your leaky body, pal.

Hey, Beth.
How are your eyes doing?

They really hurt,

but I'm here anyway,
'cause we uh, ride at dawn.

- Yeah...
- How is Beth better

than you, James? How?

I can't come into work today

because of how sick I feel.

Didn't expect
a casualty this early,

but okay. You can stay home.

Oh, uh, yes.

But I wanna see
a doctor's note.

Yes, perfectly
understandable.

And you shall be presented
with one upon my...

Hello?

Hurry up, Beth!

Okay, that is done.

Whew...

There's my sexy diarrhea man.

Yes! One time only nickname.

Listen, I need a doctor's
note now. How am I gonna--

We will figure it out.
Let's get the kids to school.

Let's get Morris to daycare.
Let's get us to the 90's.

What the hell?
- Hmm?

I thought we were
dressing 90's?

Yeah. This is how
I dressed in the 90's.

Okay, whatever.
Look what I've been working on

all morning.

You otter know?
Get it?

Unfortunately, yes.

Just be supportive of me.

Let's go.

Oh wait, the kids'
school's calling. Hello?

I feel sick.
You have to come and get me.

Well, isn't it ironic.

Look, if she's sick,
I'll be sympathetic.

I just don't think she's sick.

Just play it cool.
Channel a more calm Alanis.

Hmm? There it is. Oh.

Oh, Viv! How's Viv?

You didn't both
have to come from... work?

- Oh yeah, casual Wednesday.
- Oh.

I'm not feeling well.
My arms feel bubbly.

- Oh no.
- Bubbly!

That doesn't sound real.
- Bubbly, is that

a thing we're doing?
- If a kid says

they're not feeling well,
we have to send them home.

And I'm sure
ol' fizzy arms here

knows of that rule.
Come on, Viv.

- Oh!

Oh, now it's a fizzy
gout situation.

Ooh, hopefully
you get better soon, huh?

Yeah, all hoping for
a speedy recovery

for bubbly arms.
- Okay, let's get

your backpack. Thank you.
- Okay.

I see the limp is gone.

- It comes and goes.
- Hmm.

Gotcha!

You're going
some place without me!

Hey, yeah, no, we're uh,

taking your sister home

'cause she's not
feeling too good.

Is she getting ice cream?

No.
- Yes!

Felix, what are you doing
hanging out in the halls?

Oh, we're playing
assassin dodgeball.

Oh, I like that!
See, that's-that's like,

history and sports and...
This is a good school.

Why-why aren't you playing
that in the gym?

There's a huge hole
in the floor from being old.

This is way more fun.

Hey, Felix!

Oh, I'm pretty sure
he's not concussed.

Not that it's an exact science.

Okay, that's good.
That's good.

Good-good news. Um, so can
he go back to school?

Well, if he's not
feeling up to it,

you can keep an eye on him.
- Viv, don't.

- I feel terrible.
- Yeah, of course you do, buddy.

What should we be
on the lookout for?

Viv, please stop.
- If he's puking,

if he's talking nonsense,
or if he's unsteady on his feet.

Sounds like Morris
has a concussion.

Um, Viv, please,
come on, come on.

Hey...

Listen, so, I just was um,
wondering if you could

write me a note that says
I'm sick, for work?

What makes you think
I'm the kind of doctor

that would lie for you?

I'm just messing with you.

Mess with this guy.
Come on, man. Pick your poison.

Whadda ya say, huh?
Sinus infection? UTI.

Or I could write something
that says I see

a shadow on your brain.

It's gotta be diarrhea.

Sure, man, you pay the piper,

you pick the tune. Yes.

Uh, how do we spell
diarrhea again?

- I think there's an H in there.
- That sounds good.

I like that. Let's put
one of those in there

and I think it starts
like diary.

Yeah, but the Y
doesn't look right.

- I'll look it up.
- That's true, yeah,

I'm gonna get my phone out.
- No, you know what I'll do?

I will use my doctor writing...

And that could be
anything, right?

Uh hey, you want something
for the kids?

Oh...
Thank you.

- No, I think we're good.
- No! Come on,

we can find something.
Look, what have we got in here?

Gauze?
- All right,

we called this family meeting
to discuss health.

Yeah, if you guys
are feeling sick,

or you're hurt, you can skip
school no problem, okay?

Yes, but if you're not
sick or hurt

and you just wanna stay home
to play, then that's wrong.

I was assassin dodgeball'd
in the head.

Yeah, but the second
you came home,

you wanted to play
assassin dodgeball.

Yeah, and your bubbly arms

didn't stop you
from making these.

You told the doctor
you had diarrhea,

but you haven't diarrhea'd once.

30 points, Felix.

Okay, fine, your father and I
booked some time off work

so that we could have
a special day.

So, if you're feeling well
enough to go back to school,

you gotta go back to school!

A special day without us?

Every day with you is special.

The doctor said
Felix could die!

No, he didn't.

Guys, okay, we're just
gonna give us--

Okay, um, so you were right,

we have to plan every detail
of every moment

months in advance.
Gone are the days

where something thrilling
pops into our head

and we can just do it.
They gone.

No, no, no,
every day but today,

because an exciting thought
just popped into my mind.

Ooh, your mother!

I... there's a lot of ways
I could've said that.

I'm not sure why
that was the one. But we'll--

We can dissect it
at intermission.

- I follow.
- Uh-huh.

Oh. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Hi, dear.

Hi, Mom. How are you?

Uh, not great.

Do you remember how I hurt
my wrist snapping the other day?

Ooh, yeah, how's it feeling?

It's in a brace. And then,
do you remember ow-- Audrey?

Who's uncle suffocated
to death in a corn silo? Yes.

That.
Yes, yes!

Right. Well, I was
telling her about my wrist

and damned if I didn't hurt
the other one

re-enacting the snap.

That's terrible. Mommy, no!

Hey, um, any way you can watch
Felix and Viv for a few hours?

Now? No! My arms are useless.

And I have to get
to the walk-in clinic.

- What's happening?
- And honestly, I don't want to.

Okay, thanks.
Love you, Mom. Bye.

She's out.
- What?

Finally able to be spontaneous

and her bones
have gotten brittle.

Well, I didn't lie
to Marla's face,

at great personal risk,
just to give up now.

You're really scared
of her, aren't you?

Yeah! She is like a shark
for the truth

and our lies
are covered in blood.

Well, what are
we gonna do about it?

Well, something spontaneous

that is also gonna teach
our kids some culture.

Are you buying
two more tickets?

I love this. I love you.

Last two seats
have an obstructed view.

Well, the kids
don't know that.

Yeah, but one of us
has to sit with each.

Shotgun balcony.
Ha! In your face!

Don't even hate it.
Too busy flying by the seat

of my pants. Purchase.
Hey, kids,

get ready to learn
about some angst!

Hello, James.

How's your butt?

Marla is here.
In our house.

Uh, that is a real diarrhea note
from an official MD.

Yes, I took him
to the appointment myself.

Too dehydrated to drive.

Diarrhea's spelled wrong.

Anyway, I brought you
everything you need

for the CRAT diet.
We crushed today's meeting,

so I thought I'd swing by here
and see what's going on.

- CRAT?
- Cananas, Rice,

Apple Sauce, and Toast.
For your upset butt.

Your loose bowels.
Trots. Dysentery.

Montezuma's revenge.
Your sore bum-bum.

The poops. The toot-toots.

If only there were
as many words to say thank you

as there were to say diarrhea.

Oh, sorry. I... ooh.

I'll admit, I came here
expecting to find you

in a lie, but you look wretched.

Yes, I'm wretched
because I'm-I'm...

I'm sick. I'm sick.

Hmm. Yeah.
The gloves were wise,

'cause he's so contagious
and I'm starting...

That was nothing!

I can fix it!
- Oh, good lord!

Does everybody in your family
have the runs?

Uh, no.
We're just being cautious.

So, we-we kept them
home from school.

Uh, you're sweating, James.
And uh, turning red. Why?

Fever. I have a fever.
Hey! Wait-wait... What? Okay.

Okay. Hold on, I can explain.

Let me just uh,
quickly get ahead of this.

Oh! Oh, you definitely
have a fever.

Yeah-huh.

That's what I said. Fever time.

Get well soon, James.

- Marla.
- Astrid.

Marla!

Lied right to Marla's--
did you see? Did you see me lie?

Well, how did your body lie?
You had a temperature.

Yeah, no, no, listen,
miracles happen all the time.

Are you actually sick?

No, I'm not sick.
I'm just a little clammy

and a little...

Nauseous... dizzy,
dizzy-nauseous from the lying.

You do have a fever!

I'm not sick! Okay,
could a sick person do this?

I'm sick.

Do your arms feel bubbly?

Maybe you got it from Viv.
- I don't...

I'm gonna be fine.

I want you to enjoy the show.

Okay, great.
That's what I was thinking.

Yeah, you rest.
Don't forget to pick up Morris

and make dinner.
- I, uh, could you try

and sell those tickets?
They're $55 for obstructed view.

Yeah, you know, Dawn and Bo
love a last minute adventure

and they always treat us.

And they're smug about it.

Maybe I'll treat my sister.

And then be smug about it!
- Yeah.

Hello, donkey!
What a surprise!

Yeah, there's that Shrek
impression I love.

You're on lunch early today.

Were you let go?
Is that why you're dressed

like an eco-terrorist?
- No. I took the day off

because I actually have tickets
to the matinee show

of Jagged Little Pill
the musical.

- Oh, I hear that's

a great play,
even without the music.

And then there's the music.
- I love Alanis'

earlier dance catalogue.
Is any of that in the show?

- No!
- How dare you?

- Absolutely not, no.
- Okay, whoa.

Unfortunately,
James and the kids

aren't feeling well so--
- Oh no! You can't go?

Well, we would be happy

to take those tickets
off your hands.

I got so much
work done already.

Three managers axed before 10!

Ay-oh! How exciting.

I can bring my GoBo employees,
and that'll be their wages.

Good.

Um, actually I was still
thinking that I was gonna--

Well, obviously, we'll send
you money for the tickets.

Like, how much were they?
$300 each?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

No, that was the exact
price of each ticket.

And sending... now.

Oh. To quote Alanis herself,

"Thank you!" I'm sorry
James and the kids

won't get to see these
songs brought to life.

Yeah, no, it's a real shame.
Real, real big shame.

- Ooh!

Having kids
doesn't have to mean

the end of spontaneity.

You're always thinking
on your feet,

you're always making
last minute decisions.

Mm-hmm, you have
to improvise when a kid

gets sick or a sleepover
goes sideways.

Or you know,
they hear you swear.

Yes. Yes,
and you could still have
spur-of-the-moment fun,

you just have to be
more opportunistic.

Mm-hmm.
- ♪ Isn't it ironic ♪

Oh, and keep receipts
for impulse purchases.

♪ Don't ya think ♪

♪ It's like rain ♪

♪ On your wedding day ♪

♪ It's a free ride ♪

♪ When you've already paid ♪

♪ It's the good advice ♪

♪ That you just didn't take ♪

♪ And who would've thought,
it figures ♪

D-I. Feel good
about that so far.

Yeah. We're on our way.

We forgot an R,
that's what it is. D-I--

We're going with the A
or are we sneaky H'ing it?

I think there's a sneaky H
possibly after the D,

possibly in the middle,
possibly at the end.

I think there's no D.

What if you just wrote,
"hot poops"?

It's easy, D-I-A-R-R-H-E-A.
Diarrhea.

- Oh, pretty good.
- It is.

Yeah, it looks right.