All language subtitles for Children.Ruin.Everything.S03E04.Talking.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-FLUX_track3_[eng]

There you go.

- Okay.
- Ooh!

Oh, oh, oh! I see.

Okay, here's to us.

We did it.

Just the two of us,
some tasty cocktails.

- Mine's got smoke in it.
- How badass are you?

Hmm. You know who'd love
that smoke thing? Felix.

- Oh! Rrr! Remember our deal?
- Yes, sorry. Yes.

No, no, no. We're not gonna
talk about the kids.

And we love them,
they're great, but we go

on and on about them
like they're the Royal Family.

Yes. One evening
without talking about kids.

- Thank you.
- Comin' up. Hmm.

So...

Go ahead.
- Go ahead, me go ahead?

- Yeah.
- Okay, that's um...

When you're a parent,
it's not like

your kids are the only
topic of conversation.

It's just that
sometimes, it's hard to think

of anything else to talk about
that you haven't already

talked about since having kids.

- Oh, no.
- Huh?

- Look at these two.
- Oh, my God.

So sad! Like strangers.

- Yeah, just a couple of husks.
- Oh!

- Out for a bite.
- Aww!

- Good one.

Yeah.

So, do you think they wash
these tablecloths every night?

Oh, probably a lot of laundry
in a place like this.

- A lot of laundry.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Hello, my name is Gwen.
- Oh, hi.

And I am genuinely happy
to be serving you this evening.

How is your night going?

Um, pretty good.
Thank you for asking.

Yeah? You got a lot
of interesting tables?

Any-any funny, funny patrons?

I'm sure you've got stories
working in a restaurant

like this. Can you imagine?

Not really, no.
It's quite peaceful.

Although, our owner did bring in
their kids once which was--

- No, no, no.
- Not-not helpful.

Okay. Just leave you
with the menus then.

Okay, thank you.

And here are your appetizers.

- Alright.
- Oh, wow!

Split pea soup

with a sourdough dust
and Yorkshire ham foam.

Ham foam.
Wow, it's like a pork latte.

What part of the pig
does the foam come from?

I think the top.

Bon appétit. Enjoy.

- All right.
- Okay, here we go.

Wow, it's actually amazing.

Right? I mean, it is crazy

how much pork they pack
into that ham foam!

Unbelievable. So uh,
anything happen at work?

Yes, an interesting thing
did happen

and I have a story about it
that you are gonna love.

That's perfect for what
we're doing, talking. Begin.

Whew. So, I'm sending emails

to a yogurt company,
and I was like,

"Boosh, crushed those emails.

My work is done for the day.

I am just gonna chill
until it's time to go home."

You said
that to yourself?

And then,
Ennis was like,

"Ooh, actually,

we have a meeting
with Marla later."

He doesn't know what it's about,
all he knows is like,

"Ooh, I got a new app
where you order food

and then date the delivery
person, or whatever."

So, Marla comes in,
and she's like,

"Roar, roar, roar. I'm Marla."

She stands in the middle
of the office and she goes--

"Attention everybody!

The rep from Fintekoäly
wants a meeting

to discuss metadata and how
it can get more customers

to buy more groceries.

And I need everybody
at the top of their game.

Roar, roar, roar."
And I'm like,

"Marla, you can go ahead
and call me a murderer

because I'm gonna kill it."

And she-she liked that.

She's a big fan.
And she says to me,

"James... You, I trust.

You... I trust!

This is the biggest, most
important meeting we've ever had

and I need you to check
and make sure

there's enough coffee."

So, Ennis and I
get to the kitchen

and I realize...

...there is no mugs
in the cupboard. None.

You're talking
like that's a big deal.

So, I'm gonna pretend
like it is for now.

Marla wanted coffee.
Coffee goes in mugs.

There's no clean mugs.
We gotta clean those mugs!

Sorry, I'm just
glancing at the menu.

So, Beth comes in
and she's like,

"The dishwasher's broken."
.

"Dun, dun, dun..."

She goes on to like,
blame the machine or something,

but all I hear is,
"My name is Beth

and I never rinse my plates.

I put in full meals
and cruddy cutlery in there

'cause I was raised by a...

group of surly wolves."

And everybody in the office
is like...

What are we
gonna do?!

"Oh no.
Are you gonna...

What are we...
How do we... oh!"

And I see this dishwasher,
and I go, "You know what?

I can fix that dishwasher."

And I pull that dishwasher
away from the wall

and I see this hose has got
a little crink on it.

And I take two hands
on that hose

and I smooth out that crink.

Look at that...

Dishwasher fixed.
By me.

Boom!

Story you haven't heard.

So, double boom!

- Why did you not just

wash the mugs in the sink?

Why can't you just be proud
of the thing that I did?

It was a lot of build up.
You should have started with,

"I fixed the dishwasher,"
and then, just called it.

Okay, you know what?
It's very easy to be a critic

when you're not being brave
and bravely going first.

I'm sorry,
you're the brave one?

You're the brave one, James?!
- I mean--

You're the brave one!

Do you remember when you
thought there was a burglar

in the yard?

I was up rocking Morris.

- Yeah, no, you said a kid name.
- Damn it! I mean...

I was rocking out,

as I often do, alone,
in the dead of night.

Then you came down
all freaked out.

You were like, "I heard
scary noises outside."

Um... I was alert...

and ready to protect our home.

It was you who was all like,

"Oh! Oh, my God, what if
it's a murderer in the shed?

Because I never, ever
close the shed door.

It's actually crazy how
I forget to close it

like, every time.
Save me, James!"

Well, then we heard
the noise again.

And it was getting closer.

So you were stress eating,
and you were saying,

"A-doi, should we
call the cops?"

I was casually eating
a tub of ice cream,

and I said, "Should we yell
into the backyard

that we called the cops to like,
scare them away? Cool move."

I bravely went
to the back door

to check it out.
Then we both freaked out

...because there was a noise

in the house.

Oh no. Yeah, I forgot

the little detectives
got involved.

The detectives were like...

"What are you talking about?

Why would you pretend
to be the police?"

"Who are you trying to scare?

Is the red ghost involved?"

Stop. Stop, stop, stop,
you can't just replace kids

with detectives and then pretend
we're not talking about kids.

All right,
I can skip that part.

No, you can't skip that
'cause the-the story has more...

detectives in it.
The noise was an opossum

and Viv wanted to keep it.
- Oh, no. We're boring!

- No.
- We've become boring.

- How dare you? How very dare.
- No, we are the boring parents

that just have cute stories
about their kids to talk about,

like when Viv made friends
with the tree.

No, no, we are not boring.
They're the boring.

- Look at that!

That's way more
interesting than us!

I don't wanna look.
Look, here's the problem,

the problem is that
we need to do something

that's story worthy, and then--
- Okay.

... when we talk about it,
it'll be fresh!

Will you be joining us
tonight for main courses?

- Here's something.
- Idea.

We'll have whatever
the chef wants to make us.

She'd love to make you
something from the menu.

The specials.
We never heard the specials.

We don't know what they are,
and we don't wanna know.

- Hoo!
- Two specials.

So, two specials.
Now just FYI

for my favourite table,

we are having a bit of trouble
with our dishwasher.

So, we are backed up

in the kitchen.
- Trouble with the dishwasher,

you say? James?
- Aha, yes.

Well, you have the...

you have the dishwasher
whisperer.

- Is it true, though?

Huh?

Are you a dishwasher
whisperer?

James, we are in
do-something mode.

You better go over there
and do something!

Go on, James!
- You know what?

Take me to your dishwasher.
- Woo! There he goes.

- Okay, dishwasher whisperer.
- I'm just walking

in this direction.
- Yeah, just to your
right there. Absolutely.

That's my man!
Just doin' it!

I'm confused.

The dishwasher was a guy.

They were having
trouble with a guy.

Did you try to fix him?

He did not want
to talk with me.

He's... was going through
some personal stuff.

What took you so long?

- I did some of the dishes.
- James...

I'm sorry. Can we just
talk about the kids?

- No!
- I don't care. Who cares?

We'll just talk about the kids!
- I think I'm gonna

have to go nuclear. Now, listen,

I have something that
I'm not supposed to share.

It's a secret.

- What?!
- It's about Dawn.

Oh, I'm ready. Please tell me.

I will tell you everything.
After the break.

- What?
- The bathroom break

I'm about to take.
I really gotta go.

Yeah, she got me.

Hmm.
- So, you know the old,

boring couple from the booth?
- Uh, Milquetoast Mike

and Beige Barbara?
- They're having sex

in the bathroom.
- They're what? They're what?!

No. They're trying to outdo us.
- They've already outdone us.

What do we have, two new drinks
with probably dumb names?

This Buffalo Nipple
is delicious

and I ordered us
new cocktails 'cause I thought

we'd want drinks when you
tell me the-the Dawn story.

Oh. Oh yeah, okay,
so it's a Dawn and Bo story.

- Oh, my God,

is Bo leaving Dawn?
Wait, don't tell me. Wait.

Is it Dawn leaving Bo?
Wait, don't tell me,

has Corey been dead
the whole time?

Two good guesses
and one great movie, but no.

Okay, so everybody at work
was going for Vietnamese tacos

or vegetarian seafood,
and I was like, pass!

But I was hungry,

so I called Dawn
to see if she was at work.

Get her to buy
you lunch. Smart.

No, I wanted to make sure
Dawn was at work

because I wanted
to raid her fridge.

So, there I am. I'm goin' at it
with the fancy olives,

the leftover Wagyu beef,
these pastries with cheese.

Yeah, Bo's goat cheese
and cranberry parcels.

Ooh!
They are to die for.

To die for! And I hear
a noise from upstairs.

It's Bo, but like, moaning.

And at first, I think,

"Is he hurt?
Did he slip in the shower?"

But there's something
about the moaning.

No, thank you!

Yeah, so I'm about
to bolt, right,

but then, I see
two empty wine glasses

on the table
and clothes on the floor.

Please tell me
they were not strewn.

They were
totally strewn.

Bo is cheating on Dawn?

Could you tell by the clothes,
who it was?

Well, the clothes didn't
look like they were Dawn's,

but then again, I didn't have
two little detectives with me

running DNA samples, James.

Don't bring them up.
What did you do?

I texted Dawn and I said
I need to talk to her

and it was an emergency.

So, there I am in the park,
waiting for my beloved sister,

wondering how the hell
I'm gonna tell her that--

Where'd you get
the chips?

Chips? I didn't say
I had any chips.

Oh, I was just
picturing you with chips.

Sorry, I-I guess
I'm just hungry. Go ahead.

So, then, Dawn
shows up. And I'm like,

"There's something I have
to tell you about Bo."

But before I can get into it,
she goes off about how,

"Oh... oh, I'm so lucky
to have such an open-minded

and loving husband who's such
a good dad to our weird son.

And we're so rich and our house
smells like a store

and blah, blah, blah, blah."
Then she starts talking about

how good Bo is in bed, saying,

"Oh, our sex life
has never been better.

We're doing it like,
twice a day."

Ugh, with each other?

So, I'm sitting there
listening to her fawn over Bo

and my heart is just breaking.
I'm barely eating my chips.

Ah! You did have chips.

Finally, she's like,
"Sorry, anytime someone

brings up my Bo, I just can't
shut the hell up about him.

But you have Bo news?"

But I-I-I couldn't
bring myself to tell her.

What did you do?

I...
told her that you...

"James lost the beautiful pants
that Bo crocheted for him.

And said he cried."

What?! Why would you
say that?

I dropped those off
at a cat shelter.

Why did you say I cried?!

I'm so sorry
and I'm-I'm also sorry that--

Bo will make you
a second pair.

So, I go back to the house.

And what do I see?

Bo and one of his
old floozies

from his crocheting company.

Ah!
And so, I start

laying into Bo.

"Listen, you patchouli huffing
pseudo-hippie,

you flip-flop wearing
grandma humper,

how dare you cheat on my sister!
How dare you!"

Yes, how dare!
I love this!

Oh, oh,
I was going off.

I was literally about to tackle
Bessie or Gertrude

or whatever the hell
her name was,

when Dawn comes in,
she starts holding me back!

She's like, "Oh, my God!
Don't attack Myrtle!

She's got crummy bones
from being 400 years old."

And I'm going, uh,
"FYI, your husband

thinks those bones are great.

That's why he's jumping them
in the middle of the day!"

Ooh! Ya burnt!

Bo,
clueless as ever goes,
"I never jumped on Myrtle."

Barf. Hate it.
Myrtle's like,

"She means we're having sex.
Dumbass."

Now, Bo's all flustered
and I go, "Ah, ha, ha! Ha, ha!

She admits it!" But then,
the old lady freaks out,

"If I had a knife, I'd cut you.

You're a liar and a thief!"

I look at Dawn for some support,

and she's laughing her butt off,
"Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, like, how droll?

You snuck in here
to eat our bougie snacks

like a peasant,
and the whole time,

Bo and I were like,
fully upstairs having sex.

And you assumed it was like,
Mrs. Claus,

and came back here
to defend my honour?

That's hilarious!
Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha!"

It made me wanna break things!

- I'm so confused.
- Dawn lied about being at work.

- Yeah.
- Because she didn't wanna

have lunch with me.
- Right.

Because she was
in the Bo zone.

But I don't understand
why that's a secret?

The secret is why.

They're trying for another baby.
- What?! No. Really?

Yes. And they're even
sending Corey away

to Swiss boarding school
so they have more time.

What?!

This is so exciting!

Our night of blasé
conversation is over

and now it's just
a rollercoaster ride

to fun mountain.

- All right, your main courses.

Here we go.
There you are.

This is the special?

Yeah, market chicken
and seasonal vegetables.

Would you care for some
fresh ground pepper?

I don't understand
how this is a special?

There's nothing
special about this.

Ooh, that's funny,
I didn't see you try it.

And last I checked, you know,
flavour and mouth feel

happen when you ate the food.

So, how about that pepper?

We'll take all
the help we can get.

You know, keep an open mind.
The chicken is very subtle.

Well, so much
for fun mountain.

I think I have
to go to the bathroom.

- So, go.
- You wanna join me?

- Oh, what, really?
- Hmm?

- Well.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry about that.

Don't be sorry.
It was gross in there.

I'm just a bed guy,
I think. Right?

How did they do it?

- I don't know but they look

like the kinda people
who'd love to tell us.

Maybe we should just
get the bill and go.

Hey, what's happening?
We're having a night out.

Who cares if we don't
do something crazy

or if we talk about the kids?

I just hear like,
the young idiots at work

talk about their lives
and their drama,

and sometimes I miss
the story that's just us.

Well, there's nothing more us
than those kids.

They're literally a mix of us.

Yeah, I know.
They're all we talk about.

So? I mean,
all Ennis talks about

is the women he dates.
All Marla talks about is work

and fantasy TV. All your mom
talks about is how people died.

- Yeah,

that's her love language.

Well, let's just keep talkin'
about 'em

until we're very, very old.

Yeah, and I'm gonna
have a new niece or nephew

to talk about before then.

Me too! New niece
and nephew for both of us.

You only hang out with
my family because you love me.

I love your family.

I went to Corey's
theremin recital without you.

I shopped for Bo's birthday
present with your sister.

Your mom and I hung out
at the office one time.

I went to Corey's theremin
recital without you.

Did you say you
hung out with my mom?

Oh. Um...

Yeah, isn't that a thing
I ever told you?

Refresh my memory?

So, I was having coffee
with your mom

and she's going on
about her friend Gloria,

who was buried alive,

or her arms fell off,
or something.

But she did say that Gloria
had taken magic mushrooms

and had this really
meaningful experience.

And she was kinda dancing
around it, and I was like,

"Uh, Nisha,
do you wanna do mushrooms?"

And she was like, "I kinda do."

But she also swore me
to secrecy,

like I could never
tell you or Dawn.

Because she's a hypocrite.

She hammered us so hard as kids
to say no to drugs.

McGruff the Crime Dog
was the entertainer

at Dawn's ninth birthday.

Wow. Anyway, I go to somebody

with a little bit more
experience

about this kinda thing, Ennis,

but he goes,
"Ooh, I haven't done shrooms

since the fire department
had to pull me

out of a cherry tree
in High Park."

But then, I feel
a hand on my shoulder,

a voice in my ear.

"Looking for a little ego death?

'Cause Mama knows
the way to Smurf village."

Marla?!

Marla, right? Marla!

So, one night when
you were away with the kids,

Marla invited us
to come to Gero's.

You did it at Gero's?

Gero's is kinda
Marla's sanctuary.

So, she acts as like,
the guide for the whole thing.

She made us this tea
and she was all like,

"I micro-dose all the time
at work.

It keeps the rage at bay.

Tell Mr. Gero,
I'll kill ya! Bottoms up!"

But this, this was no
micro-dose. It was like...

"I'm trippin' balls,
man."

"Life is infinity.

Death happens,
but life never stops."

Anyway, at one point,
your mom and I

were just looking at each other
intently for like,

a really long time.
And she says,

"I see the future in your eyes.

I see you and I see Astrid,

and I see the children,
and you're happy.

And the world is right.

And I'm at peace."

So, you told me a story
about a dishwasher

when you had a story about
doing shrooms with my mom?

The point is, my love,

that family is not what stops us

from new, exciting stories.
They're our greatest source.

Hmm. Yeah.

We can still make exciting
things happen for us.

- Hmm.
- Like...

I mean, I don't feel like
paying for this crappy dinner.

Do you?
- Well, either,

I mean, you pay for it
or I pay for it.

It's the same account,
so I'm not sure what we're--

No, no, I mean, like...

maybe we shouldn't...

Oh you're... you're talking
about a dine and dash situation?

Hmm? Hmm?

Okay. Uh... yeah. Let's do it.

- What?! No!
- Yeah.

- Seriously?
- Come on, baby.

We're bad boys.
We're like Bonnie and Clyde.

Well, they killed people
and robbed banks.

Right, right,
but we're Hamburglar

and Hamburglar's wife.

Or Hamburglar and her husband.

- James!
- Yeah, no, okay,

just start the car
and I'll meet you out front.

- Oh, my God, okay.
- Yeah, it's happening.

- Wait, really?
- Mm-hmm.

Just play cool. Play it cool.

- Are we doing this?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, my God.
- There you go, breathe.

- And make a break for it.

- Here I go.
- Love you, baby.

Ah!

Hey, sorry, excuse me.

Can I pay?
- Oh yeah, for sure.

To have kids
with someone

is to have a topic
of conversation for life.

Not that you have
to talk about your kids.

To quote Mark Twain,
"If you have nothing to say,

say nothing."
Yeah, but to quote

Shania Twain, "Let's give 'em
something to talk about."

That is not
a Shania Twain song.

What are you even saying?
You have to keep doing

cool stuff for the stories.
We should go to Vegas!

Let's definitely
talk about it.

Wow, thanks so much
for the tip!

Hmm. Guess they really
liked that ham foam.

Are the shrooms kicking
in for you yet?

I don't know. I think so.

Of course they are.

Where're you even
getting shrooms, Marla?

I don't buy drugs, James.

This is my own special blend

of magic and mayhem.

Ooh, that mayhem have a name?

Like the... Wizard's Nightcap.

Or it's gotta be weirder
and more random than that.

Blue Bubble Dog Walker.

Hmm. Derek's Silver Honda.

Mashed Potato Sunset.

The Devil's Side Salad.

Yeah, that's pretty good, or--

The Devil's Side Salad.

- Works for me, yeah.
- That works. Yeah.