All language subtitles for Children.Ruin.Everything.S02E15.Momentum.1080p.NF.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-DJSF_track3_[eng]

[Astrid panting]

- Mommy, can you help me?

- I can’t hear you.
Can you go ask Daddy?

Are you tangled?

VIV: Yes.

ASTRID: Newton’s First Law says

an object in motion
stays in motion.

Unless that object has kids.

JAMES: Because kids
have their own laws

and they could care less
about yours.

- Can I brush your hair?

- Um, after my workout.

- Can we play hide and seek?
- After you brush my hair.

JAMES: So when you have
something to do...

ASTRID: They want food,
they can’t find their shoes,

they need to tell you
about the dog they saw.

JAMES: You love hearing
about people’s dogs.

ASTRID: Yes, which is why
it stops me every time.

Oh, my God. Oh.

Viv, where’s your father?
- Asleep on the couch.

- Okay. This elliptical has not
had a person on it in weeks.

Go wake him up.

- Can I jump on him?

- Sure.

VIV: Yes.

JAMES: Oh. Objects at rest

don’t get to stay
at rest either.

[upbeat music playing]

- [sighs]
- You ready to do this?

- Honestly, no.

But I don’t think
I’ll ever be ready.

So, uh, let’s just
do it anyway, I guess.

- Hmm. You said
you wanted to move.

- I, I do. I wanna move.

JAMES: Okay.

- I just wanna be sad about it.

I’m complex.

- I understand.
It’s gonna be so great.

We’re gonna be living room
and family room people.

I don’t get
what the difference is,

but we’re gonna learn.
- Yes.

And we won’t hear music
from that bar on Queen Street.

- Hmm.

- People outside laughing,
smoking.

What’s so funny
about cigarettes?

- Ugh.
Kiss it all goodbye, my love.

- Okay. Let’s go.

- Okay, guys, listen up.

WOMAN: Oh, yeah.
JAMES: Hey.

WOMAN: What’s your name?

- Ow!

- What?
- "Ow"?

- Uh, I mean, don’t!

ASTRID:
Getting your whines mixed up

is a sure sign
of too much television.

- Okay. We got a big day
ahead of us

because we have one week
until our open house.

That’s the day where
people come and they--

we try to convince them
to buy our house.

- They can’t have my house.
I’m not leaving!

- I know that change is hard,

but this is the decision that
Daddy and I have made,

so even if we have to put you
in one of the boxes,

you’re coming with us,
so get excited. [trills]

JAMES: Now we have
a big cleanup ahead of us.

There’s a very nice home

somewhere underneath
all this stuff.

We just have to work together
to find it.

- Even Baby Morris?
- Baby Morris cannot clean.

FELIX: Why are we only making
our house nice to sell it?

Why didn’t we
make it nice before?

- That’s-- no, that’s,
that’s right. That’s fair.

- Guys, remember how every time
we clean, we find something fun?

Viv, maybe you’ll find the--
the little princess’ car.

- And her little brown dog?

- And her little brown dog.

- Treasure hunt!

- FYI, remember we found

the princess’ car
underneath the lawnmower

and the little brown dog
was in the driver seat.

- I remember.
I was on the frontlines.

I moved the bodies.
- Mm-hmm.

- Treasure hunt begins!

VIV: It already began.
- Pew, pew, pew.

SINGER: ♪ It comes
through the window ♪

♪ It comes through the floor ♪

♪ It comes through the roof ♪

♪ And it comes through
the door ♪

♪ Dust is everywhere ♪

♪ Sweep ♪

- Hey, Viv, Viv!

SINGER:
♪ It sneaks in, ignored ♪

♪ It stacks up around ♪

♪ It follows, now swallow,
you’re biting it now ♪

♪ Suffocate, suffocate ♪

ASTRID: You know,
this would be a lot more helpful

if the kids weren’t helping.
- Yeah.

- I just caught Viv
washing a book.

- Okay. Now to get them
in front of the...

- [both screaming]
- Oh!

- Hey!
- Oh! Oh, my.

Look what you did to James,
you frightened him!

JAMES: Oh.

- How did you get in here?

- Well, I’m your realtor.
I have a key.

- That key is for open houses
and visits,

not casual pop-ins.

JENN: Understood.

Still learning.

Speaking of open houses,
I did a whoopsie.

- Okay. Can you explain
what that means

in non-baby talk terms?

- When I was planning
your open house,

I was using
last year’s calendar.

- Okay. So when--
when is the open house?

- Today.
- What?

- Are you [bleep] serious?
- Oh, this is my fault.

- Yeah, we’re aware.

- It’s just that I love
my paper calendar.

I’m a total technophobe
and an emetophobe.

It means
I’m deathly afraid of vomit.

- Didn’t you used to be a nurse?

- Briefly.
- Okay.

Well, look, we can’t clean
all this in an hour.

So were--can we cancel?

- Well, yeah, of course,
you can! [chuckles]

- Ah, okay.

- Well, hold on, if we cancel,

doesn’t that send a bad message
to potential buyers?

- That’s a good point. Yes.
Yes, it will.

- Hey, what,
what if I was the realtor?

- Ooh.

Literally quite anyone
can do it. You should.

- So--okay. How do we--
what do we--how do we...

JENN: I will start staging,
you guys clean.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Okay. [clears throat]

The sink’s full of dishes
and the tub’s full of pubes.

- Well, you’re on pube duty.

- Yeah.
- Lucky.

SINGER:
♪ Dust is everywhere, sweep ♪

♪ Sweep, sweep ♪

- [sighs] Hey.

- [groans]

JAMES: How you doing?

- My back’s broken,
but at least this place

doesn’t look like
a horse stable anymore.

- Put a bunch of laundry
in the trunk,

which I think
was pretty creative.

How you doing?

- I’m nervous, but excited.

And, uh, nursing a secret fear
that our moving company’s

gonna steal everything we own.

- Oh, plastic toys,
plaid shirts, so many mugs.

It’s gonna be
a huge haul for them.

- And I’m,
I’m worried about Viv.

- Yeah.

- She’s not good
with transitions, you know.

She doesn’t--she doesn’t wanna
leave the house to go to karate,

she doesn’t wanna leave karate
to come home.

- She’s gonna have a side yard
and a front yard.

Not just a backyard.

I mean, that’s like--
that’s like a lot of yards.

- Mm-hmm.

This place has so many memories.

- Mm-hmm. I know. We’re gonna
take them all with us, my love.

We’re gonna pack ’em up
with the mugs.

Wow. You know what?
This place looks pretty good.

ASTRID: Yeah. It really does.
We should move more often.

Just kidding. Never again.

- I see the, uh, cats are back.

- Oh, yeah, well,
they did help convince you

to buy my mom’s house.

- They did not.
- Nope.

- Hey. You know what,
I got a pretty good feeling

that we are gonna get
a big offer.

- Oh. So, I’m sure
it would be a big offer

if we had done the work
that we said we were gonna do

10 years ago.
- Yeah.

My brother was supposed
to do that

and we don’t, uh,
you know, so it didn’t.

Anywho. Hey.

- Hmm.
JAMES: Do you think maybe

we could jazz
this place up with,

like, some fresh baked cookies
or something?

- Oh, yeah.

- With the smell of,
like, something?

- Ooh, I am way ahead of you.

In honor of this being
my first open house,

I made my famous deviled eggs.

- Your first deviled eggs?
- Mm-hmm.

ASTRID: Hmm.

- We can...

- Save them for the buyers.
Okay.

Oh, look at that.

It is open house o’clock.

Okay. You guys get outta here,
at least for a few hours.

Trust me, you don’t wanna hear

what people will say
about your home.

- That it smells like eggs?

- We wait for the offers
to roll in

and hopefully
you leave here forever.

- Okay. I’m gonna grab Andrew.

Everybody put on pants!

Going anywhere with kids
on foot takes extra time.

They walk slow,
forget things,

get tired, get lost,
get distracted.

You basically need to add
an hour per kid

to your travel time.

ASTRID: If you’re in a hurry,

you’ll wish you were dead.

But if you’re looking
to kill time,

going for a walk with kids
will murder it

just about better
than anything else.

Felix, where’s Viv?

- We were playing hide and seek,
but I can’t find her.

- Viv! We’re leaving, let’s go!

- Viv, come on,
we don’t have time for this.

Come out!

ASTRID AND JAMES: Viv!

- Can they buy our house
with us still in it?

Viv says no.

[doorbell rings]

- She’s refusing to leave.
- Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- [doorbell rings]

JENN: You need to go.

It’s completely inappropriate
for the homeowners to be here

during an open house!
I think.

- We’re not going anywhere.
Viv is somewhere in this house.

- Hold on,
these people don’t know

that we’re the owners.

We just blend in,
casually look for Viv.

Oh, hon, this house!

Are you kidding?
I mean, we gotta make an offer.

- No, no, honey. Don’t, don’t...
ASTRID: Although,

we’ll probably be outbid
by someone

who’s willing to pay
a little extra, you know?

- That’s...
Nope, that’s not right.

- I like how
it doesn’t stink in here.

- Felix, buddy, too much.

- Wow, look at all this
closet space.

Real nice. Viv.

- Hey. Come on.

- Oh, I’m, I’m just assessing.

- Have some respect.

- Don’t worry about it.

- Look how jammed with all
their gross junk this thing is.

They don’t want you seeing this.

- Yeah, you’re right.

Hey, what do you think
about this place?

Pretty nice, right?

Owners are dumb to sell, right?

- I mean,
it’s got this weird smell.

The walls are paper thin
and the roof’s a bit derpy.

I call it a gut job.

- I call you a gut job.

- Deviled egg?

Okay, we are losing them.

Will she not just come out
on her own?

- She is very small,
very stubborn.

If we don’t find her
and drag her out,

she’s gonna grow up
in these walls.

- Oh, come on.

How hard could it be
to find a little kid?

- You’d be surprised.

There’s a lot of nooks
and crannies in here.

We, we, uh, we had an
Easter egg hunt one year,

it took the kids all day.

They were finding chocolate
for months,

which taught us
a valuable lesson

about hiding food in the walls.

Let me just say that, uh,

I became very close
with an exterminator.

- Look, uh, great!
So, so the mice are gone.

Check, check the no-pest box.

They’ve been removed.

- Oh, they did find raccoons
up in the attic. Yeah.

Viv, she--
she wouldn’t want them to leave,

so she would sing up
into the ceiling every night

trying to get them to stay.

- Yeah, but the raccoons
are gone now, right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The coywolves,
they scared them away.

That’s like
a half-coyote, half-wolf.

I’ll tell you something.

The wildlife around here

has just like a cool
city edge to it, you know?

- Country living
in the big city! [chuckles]

A nature lover’s paradise!

- [grunts]

Yeah.

The floor goes
all the way to the wall.

It’s a--it’s a--it’s a goodie.

- Yeah, ew.
It’s just a weird guy.

Yeah. Well, you know what,
the house is all right.

Yeah. It’s a great neighborhood.

There’s this egg smell
and it’s a gut job, but not bad.

Yeah. I’ll take some pictures.

[phone ringing]

- Viv, where are you?

You can’t move to
a new house if I keep hiding.

It’s against the law
to leave me here.

- Okay, Viv, honey, it--

the new house has a front yard
and it’s on a cul-de-sac.

Which I know you don’t know
what that means, but it’s--

you and Felix can walk
to the park by yourself.

- I want to walk to our park
with you.

- But that’s what we
were trying to do, honey.

- Can you please just come out?
- [call disconnected]

Oh.

This is my house,
I’m never gonna sell it to you.

[upbeat music playing]

- Hmm.

It’s cool.

I’m the brother-in-law
of this house.

ASTRID: Viv!

Bo?

- Astrid, you’re here.

- Correct. What is going on?

- Jenn asked me
to remove my clogs

but said my bare feet
were unsanitary.

- Bo, I cannot
and will not look at your feet.

- Okay.
- Why are you at our open house?

- Confession.

Dawn and I wanted to see
how the place looked

all clean and staged and--
I don’t like socks.

- Still not gonna look.

Here, how about this?
You gotta help us find Viv.

She’s hiding somewhere.

ENNIS: Yeah. She’ll get hungry
and come out eventually.

- Hey.

- Anyone else
I know gonna show up?

My boss, maybe,
the nice lady from the pharmacy?

- I just came by to drop
off the Halloween decorations

that I borrowed
for Burk’s bachelor party.

Sorry, you have to excuse me,
I’m a little hungover.

- Don’t vomit,
you’re gonna scare our realtor.

- Ooh, a Halloween-themed
bachelor party.

- Huh?
No, no, it was a graveyard theme

because he’s getting married
so it’s like he’s dead.

You get it? His life is over.

- Bo and I are both married.

- Yeah.
And I’ve never felt more alive!

Except when I flew
in a helicopter.

God, these socks.

- Uh, I left all the stuff

that’s still sticky from
whipped cream in your bathtub,

so I’m gonna go.

- Did you say hi to James?

- Well, maybe
it’s the hangover talking,

but I’m not exactly jazzed about
you two leaving town, so...

- Did you tell him that?

ENNIS: Oh, yeah, right,
it’s a great idea.

"Hey, James,
here are all my feelings."

Embarrassed.

- Just gonna burden me
with that then.

Okay. How about this?

You’re not going anywhere.

You are gonna check
the laundry room for Viv,

you are gonna grill Felix.

He knows something, I know it.

We are leaving this house.

But not without my daughter.

DAWN: Ugh!
Would you look at this thing?

They might as well heat
the house by burning plastic.

Oh, and if you think
that is bad,

wait till you see
the derpy roof.

One heavy snowfall
from collapse.

As someone who’s looking to buy,
no thanks.

- Hmm.

- Hmm.
- Hey, Dawn.

- [gasps]
JAMES: How’s it going?

- Hmm.

- She’s not
in any of the closets.

Hi, Dawn.
DAWN: Hi.

- You here to judge my house?

- Yes.
- She called me.

- What--where is she?
- Okay. So I took a screenshot.

I think if we zoom in
and enhance the background

right in this one spot,
we can figure out...

- She’s in the nursery.
I used Find My iPhone.

- Yeah, we’re a good team.

[phone ringing]

JAMES: [gasps]
That little... ooh.

- Dammit. She’s messing with us.

- Hmm.
She is in so much trouble.

But honestly, is she gifted?

Like, this is amazing.
- Like, an actual genius?

JAMES: Uh-huh.

- Okay. I don’t even care
about the open house.

Let’s find her. Viv!

- Viv! Viv!

ASTRID AND JAMES: Viv!
JAMES: Hey, sorry.

Everybody,
we’re looking for a little girl

who’s hiding
somewhere in this house.

BO: Oh, no!

- What, did you see her, Bo?

BO: Sorry, no.

I just hate socks!

- [screams]

- Are you winning the race?
- Yeah.

- Hey, watch out for the truck.
Nice.

- Make yourself at home,
why don’t you?

Wow.

- Get used to jerks like him.

The world is full of them.

- Okay.
- Not your dad, though.

He’s a good friend.

And I... care about him.

Really hope we stay in touch.

- Me, too.

- Would you say that, Felix?

Would you say, "I really hope

we keep in touch
with Uncle Ennis"?

- I really hope we keep in touch
with Uncle Ennis?

- Yeah.
"That’s my personal opinion."

- That’s my personal opinion.

- That’s perfect.

- Shh.

- Don’t--don’t shush me.

Do you know that you are
stepping on my shoes?

- Yes.

- Do you know how much
my shoes cost?

- No.
- $500.

- $500?
- Yeah, $500.

So you shouldn’t have
stepped on them.

- You shouldn’t have spent
so much money on ugly shoes.

- I found her!
She’s down here!

You don’t know anything
about men’s fashion, okay?

JAMES:
So, Viv, that was frustrating

and kind of amazing,
but also made us very worried.

- So? I don’t give a care.

- Hmm. Why are you
so upset to move, honey?

- Because I won’t go
to everyone’s birthday party.

- Well, I promise
there’s gonna be kids

at the new school
that have birthdays.

- Why are you so happy
about moving?

- Because I think
it’s gonna be really good.

You know, I moved away
from where I grew up

and I met your mom.

And that turned out
pretty good for me.

And you.

- Did you ever go back?

- To North Bay?

No. But that’s--was--
is a complicated--

um, my brother lives there
and we don’t speak anymore and--

I mean, that’s--that has nothing
to do with the moving.

The moving part
that we’re gonna do,

that’s gonna be great.

- How do you know
it’s gonna be great?

It can be stupid
and full of bad guys.

- It--yes, it could be brimming
full of bad guys.

And cursed by a wizard.

And also have a bunch
of unreasonable bylaws.

But, when the five of us
are together,

we can handle anything.

- Then why can’t we live here?

- The one bathroom thing
is very difficult,

um, just to be honest.

- Mommy’s stuff takes up
the whole sink.

- I know, right?

It’s like... [sighs]
but don’t tell her that, okay?

But I’m on your side.
Just know that.

JENN: Thank you
and also merci. Yes.

Hey, thanks so much.

Don’t be a stranger,
be a friend.

Hey, be a best friend.

- Hey, Jenn.

Uh, so thank you so much
for the... experience.

JENN: Hey, no, thank you.

I’m the one
who got the experience.

Hey, I’m no longer
an open house virgin.

- [chuckles]
Uh, it’s just not working out.

And it, it’s not you.
- It isn’t?

- No, it is.
- Okay.

- We’re just looking for someone

with a little
more knowledge in...

what they are doing.
JENN: No, I get it.

I actually just, uh,
went through this

with my last client.

- With your mom?

- She suffers no fools.

Still, you know, it’s rough.

Getting fired the day
I had my business cards made?

- It just says "Jenn."
It doesn’t have a last name.

Or contact info.

- Oh, the back of the card
didn’t print! Oh, well.

I’ve had people track me down
with a lot less info. [chuckles]

So, I guess you don’t wanna hear
about the offers?

JAMES: Offers?
Sorry, offers plural?

Maybe a million over asking?
Start a bidding war?

- Well, there were
two offers, okay?

Now one was a lowball,
but one was quite generous.

- Hmm.
JENN: Yeah. In fact, I was like,

"Uh, I don’t think you have
to bid that much." [chuckles]

- What was the offer?

Hello. You put an offer on
our crumbling gut-job house?

- It’s for sale,
isn’t that what you wanted?

- Bo, I know you live here,
but please with the feet.

JAMES: So you were trying
to tell people

that our furnace and roof
were garbage

just so that nobody else
would bid?

- Perhaps I was trying
to discourage a bidding war,

but your roof and furnace
are truly in terrible shape.

- Yeah, your own real estate
brochure said so.

But there was a typo
in the word "catastrophic."

- Dawn, we, we don’t need
your charity.

But we will obviously take it,
it’s just overstepping.

- It’s not charity. That house
is filled with memories.

The time Corey lost his tooth
on a popsicle.

Oh, the time Bo caught a mouse
with a bowl.

- The time James and I
lived there for 10 years.

- I put in the offer because...

I couldn’t stand the idea
of anyone else living there.

- [sighs]

DAWN: But if it were ours,

we were gonna renovate
the basement

to double our rental income
and then when you realize

what a huge mistake
you made by moving,

we would kick those tenants
to the curb.

- That’s... very sweet, Dawn.

In like a late stage capitalism
kind of way.

- We love you, you big dummies.

I darned your dang socks.

[soft music playing]

- I think I wanna stay
in our gut-job house.

- Me, too.

I just wanna give our gut-job
house the gut job it deserves.

- Should we steal their idea
and renovate the basement?

- Oh, I don’t think
you could afford our guy.

He just put a third story
on The Weeknd’s garage.

- I don’t need your guy.

I have family of my own.

[knocks on door]

[clears throat]

Hey.

TAYLOR: Hey... brother.

Well, the house
has not aged well.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
uh-huh. Yeah.

There’s a lot to fix.

- There’s a lot to fix.

Well, right on.

- Yeah, right on.
- Yeah.

FELIX: This is going to be an
actual room with normal walls!

- Will there still be spiders?

- Yeah, but they’ll all
be inside the walls.

- Good.

- This can be any kind of room!

- I want a dojo!

- I want a pool table.

No, wait, or an escape room.

Can you make an escape room?

- No, honestly,
a dojo’s probably the easiest.

But your parents want,
uh, more living space

and an additional bathroom.

- But we already have
a bathroom.

This should be
an animation studio.

- One bathroom is stupid.
- We don’t use that word.

- Well, it’s the right word
for some stuff.

- I want a dog salon.

- Or a torture chamber.

- I want a candy store!

TAYLOR: Okay, I’m going up.

Have fun in the dark.
- Hey!

VIV: Don’t leave us down here!

SINGER: ♪ I love my kids
but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything, everything ♪

♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ I love my kids
but kids ruin everything ♪

♪ Everything ♪

♪ Kids ruin everything ♪

♪ No more sleeping in ♪

♪ I got kids in my face ♪

♪ I never knew
but now I see ♪

♪ Children ruin everything ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, thing ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na,
thing, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ I never knew
but now I see ♪

♪ I really hate this... ♪