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"All the world's a stage, and all
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Shakespeare really knew what
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but then he would,
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This week, illusion and delusion.
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We take a peek up the skirt
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and look at her pants in
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Me, me, me, me.
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Me, me, me. Nimanenah, nimanenooh.
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Nimanenah, nimanenooh.
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Me, me, me, me, me.
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Me.
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Me.
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God.
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Me, me, me.
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Nimanenah, nimanenooh, nimanenah.
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That's better.
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Hello, superstar!
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Beryl, darling,
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Now that's because I'm out there
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Now you know that, don't you?
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Actually, I am in the West End
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Sounds interesting.
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As it happens,
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How do you fancy a telethon?
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I...
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I don't know. Come on.
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It's with Terry Wogan.
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Perhaps I could read something
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Actually, I think they were more
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WHAT?! Now calm down, Judy.
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It's good exposure,
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Well, not exactly, but you'll be
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You can tell them to get stuffed!
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So you'll think about it.
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'20 minutes, Miss Talent.'
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Typical!
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Unprofessional, amateurish,
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Don't run yourself down, Judy, love.
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Honestly, last night,
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You were half bad and half terrible.
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Thanks, Tony(!)
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Well, obviously, Terry Wogan
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He's offered me a telethon.
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What's the set-up? You give people a
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Well, I'd expect sour grapes
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After all, it can't be easy
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and having no lines
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Not for long, petal.
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What do you mean?
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I mean, sweetie, you better start
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Tony! Tony! Tony!
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Hello, Hampton, how are things?
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Don't ask. I've been up the
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I think she's going to have an op.
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That'll leave Benedict on his own.
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My sitter's on holiday.
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How tragic for you.
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She's picked up feline enteritis.
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God knows how and where from.
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Presumably from another cat.
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Actually, I do know someone
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Yeah, wonderful.
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He stuffs them and then puts them
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You're sick, Sparkle.
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Not as sick as his cat. Ciao!
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Hey, Tony, Tony, Tony.
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I tell you what, Simon,
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otherwise, I'll tell everyone
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The fact that you don't have one.
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Simon, you not successful
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The only coloured pills you pop are
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No, Judy drinks a lot.
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You lie a lot. You bastard, Sparkle!
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Christ! It's not
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Yes. I'm playing the taxi driver.
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Pathetic old queen.
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Look, Timmy, would you do me a
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Could you try...
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could you try not being really
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One of these days that Tony Sparkle
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Hello, Beryl. Hello, er...
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Telling me how to act. I was in
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Course you were, Timmy.
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Actually, Gareth is a
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We had him on the Wayfarers
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Do you know, Timmy, we had a
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And you will again, Judy.
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I don't want to be
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No, the theatre is my life.
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I'm doing exactly what
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You're incredible, Judy.
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Er, Timmy?
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While you've got your tongue jammed
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Thanks. Tony, darling,
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Die in pain! Thank you!
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So, since we've got a
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perhaps you'd like to tell me what
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How about the citizens
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Dave? Chris?
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John?
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A load of bollocks.
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Thank you, Inspector Salford.
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I am running the criminal
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This also applies to the recreation
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I'm afraid that the Pussy Galore
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due to the unfortunate arrest of
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So, I thought it would be rather
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to attend a matinee of the popular
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Is there any nudity in it?
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I understand the actors
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And I would be very grateful if,
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This Cats?
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Cat Flap. Cat. Andrew Lloyd Webber.
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Andrew Lloyd Webber, Sarah
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Er, 80?
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That's very kind of you, sir.
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Ten minutes, everyone.
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Have you seen the reviews of
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No. Are they good?
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Awful. Poor Flick(!)
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Excuse me, everyone.
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How about dismal?
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Thank you, everybody. Now apparently
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How many?
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About 11. God.
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But we are all
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And we are going to go out there
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because it is a privilege and it
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Bravo.
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And in reply, everyone, may I just
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So? So, it's the big one - Arion.
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Bloody hell!
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It's a whole series of little
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I play the scientist
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and my wife just can't get my
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No-one's impressed, Tony.
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After The Wayfarers, I was the
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That's probably because in
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Great news, Tony. We're so thrilled.
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Well done. No-one's listening, Tony.
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We're all theatre people, here.
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We love the theatre.
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The management regret to announce
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the part of the taxi driver
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Never heard of him.
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He's only the understudy.
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No, no. It says here that
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He also did a tour of Canada playing
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He's a martyr to his mischievous
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Ooh, and he was Constable Wilson
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Constable Wilson,
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I remember him. Which one's he?
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He's the one that's not appearing.
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So, we're watching
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Shh!
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(Elaine Paige.)
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What a long drive across
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Yes, it's 17 miles to Bodmin,
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I expect the crow is grounded
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Aye. If the fog sets in,
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I do hope we haven't made
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Of course not, darling.
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After all, Penny and Roger
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And, after all, I'm a doctor,
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Yes, of course, you're right.
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I'm just being silly.
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Be a dear, John,
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Just because I work for your father,
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doesn't mean I'm your servant,
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I do apologise.
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Just look at Judy.
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She really is staggering.
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That will be the gin.
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Cheer up, John. We're all
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I wonder if there's anything
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What's this?
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A dangerous convict has
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Bodmin prison? Isn't that near here?
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No, it's miles away.
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If any convict should manage to
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Take me to my room, Roger.
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Give us a hug, everyone.
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Every time I do this part,
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It's like an onion,
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I thought you milked the
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No, you catch the audience
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leave them hanging on the cusp, ride
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Kiss me!
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John, how could you?!
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Mary! She means nothing to me.
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It's you I love!
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It's a nightmare,
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Dear!
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John!
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John, John, my husband.
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And my best friend.
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Is there no way out of this hell?
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Not even a little cat flap?
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Hello, theatre bar.
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Yes, Beryl.
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Miss Talent may operate the phones
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but she'll be partially
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by the remaining members of
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and the Honey Monster. Yep, got
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I thought you were my best friend.
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Tell me it isn't true, Penny.
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Who can that be? So far away from
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I'm sorry to trouble you,
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but I was out looking for a prisoner
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and my van crashed in the fog.
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Penny, put the kettle on. I'd better
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NO! It's OK, it's fine. Really.
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Thank you.
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So, did you talk to the Arion people
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Did I? You know you did.
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I helped you workshop those
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Doesn't ring a bell.
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Do you want me to beg?
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Ice and a slice, madam? No, cheery!
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Be cheery! Cheery.
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Ice and a slice, madam?
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Diction! Remember diction!
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That's most kind of you, sir.
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Relax, breathe in...
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Be with you in a minute, sir.
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A madman on the loose and a stranger
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As soon as we have a cup of tea,
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This is some happy new year!
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And whose fault is that, you swine?
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Steady on, Penny!
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If we all just calm down a little
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Quite right, old girl.
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It's almost midnight.
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Let's all have a cup of tea, put on
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Perhaps the new year will bring
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to our mixed up lives.
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Perhaps...
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So, let's use this as a hypothetical
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deduce from the information
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That's very kind of you, sir.
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You don't recognise me, do you?
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I was in the box office, earlier.
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Yeah, you've got to be
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I can do box office, bar,
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And you should see
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Be with you in a minute, sir.
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Or perhaps, Penny Wigson?
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Chris? Dave?
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No Elaine Page?
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No, not today.
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But I've had 'em all in here.
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Tony Hopkins, Peter O'Toole,
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People say to me,
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Keep your hair on,
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So, any ideas at all?
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About anything?
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It's obvious.
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Yeah, definitely.
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That's interesting.
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Anyone bothered by the fact that
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Now, what can I get you, sir?
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My God! He's been shot! With a gun!
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Everyone, keep calm.
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Is he dead? John! Darling John!
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God, she's really going
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My God, he's been shot!
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By a gun! Everybody, keep calm.
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Is he dead? Yes, you bloody idiots!
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By a gun! Everyone, keep calm.
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Is he dead?
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Come on, Judy, love,
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As I said before,
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Mary, weren't you going to say that
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Someone here really is a murderer!
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Look, everyone stop the play!
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She's rambling, she's lost it...
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It's Tony, he's dead!
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Put the house lights up!
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Bloody hell!
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He really has been shot!
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Tony! Darling Tony!
282
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,959
For Christ's sakes,
283
00:18:52,960 --> 00:18:56,479
Anthony Sparkle was one of the
284
00:18:56,480 --> 00:19:01,159
A tragic loss to live theatre and a
285
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,959
His later work...
286
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:08,959
That won't be necessary, madam.
287
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,959
Now, we've here a crisis situation.
288
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:15,999
It's a very good opportunity
289
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,999
What's the first stage
290
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,159
We tell the training officer to
291
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:24,959
Sit down, Sally!
292
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:29,959
Right, all you nancys, stay put.
293
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:33,959
Watkins, round up everyone
294
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,959
I beg your pardon,
295
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:39,959
I am. Inspector Salford,
296
00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:43,959
I really think the public courtesy
297
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,959
Shut up! Keep an eye on him,
298
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:52,959
I'm taking charge of this
299
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,959
Chief Inspector Galbraith
300
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:58,999
For God's sake,
301
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,959
The play is over!
302
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:02,959
Tony is dead!
303
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,959
So, will I be doing
304
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,799
Hold on,
305
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:08,959
I know you.
306
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,959
It's the Irish taxi driver.
307
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,959
Yes, I've worked
308
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:19,639
Barry the barman from the Dominion.
309
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:22,959
His vodka and tonics were said to
310
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:25,959
There was Phil,
311
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,159
I could tell you some stories
312
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:31,959
Excuse me, would you two come with
313
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:40,959
Someone used the cover of the sound
314
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:42,959
And now he's dead.
315
00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:45,959
Tony!
316
00:20:45,960 --> 00:20:48,959
God, I need a drink.
317
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,959
Come off it, Judy.
318
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:54,959
He cast you aside like
319
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,799
he bought at a penny bazaar.
320
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:59,959
For God's sake, Basil,
321
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:03,959
I know, but rather well delivered,
322
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:09,479
So, Miss Talent, are we to take it
323
00:21:09,480 --> 00:21:13,639
Yes, it was after the Wayfarers.
324
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,959
He wanted to act and I gave him
325
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:20,959
I loved him then and, however he's
326
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,959
But, Judy, darling, what about me?
327
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:26,959
Timmy, Timmy, Timmy,
328
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,639
you're just a boy.
329
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:33,959
It was fun, it was sweet, but
330
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:37,959
Am I the only man here who hasn't
331
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:39,959
I think that's irrelevant,
332
00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,959
All of us here had a motive to
333
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:44,959
That's the line from Act Three
334
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,959
What do you mean,
335
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,959
Will there's Simon
336
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,959
Tony was blackmailing him
337
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:54,959
What drugs problem?
338
00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:59,959
Exactly! You were paying Tony to
339
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,959
Bastard! I'll kill him.
340
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,479
Too late, love, but then
341
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:06,959
What about you then, Basil?
342
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:10,959
Hold on, hold on, I'm just
343
00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,999
I'll take it from the top.
344
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,959
What about you then, Basil?
345
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,959
We all know you loathed him.
346
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,479
Nonsense, we were old friends.
347
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:22,959
Really, Inspector,
348
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:27,959
I've got one cat was a tummy upset
349
00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,959
Don't try and
350
00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,959
You never forgave Tony because
351
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:37,639
of Widow Spanky in
352
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:41,959
No, he didn't! Yes, he did!
353
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,959
At the Croydon Leisure Centre
354
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,959
Starring Ed "Stew Pot" Stewart.
355
00:22:47,960 --> 00:22:49,959
Certainly a motive for murder.
356
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:53,959
All right. All right! I hated him.
357
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,959
Night after night, I watched him
358
00:22:57,960 --> 00:23:02,959
whilst I languished stage left
359
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:06,959
That's a good one, lads?
360
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:12,799
Sorry I took so long, sir.
361
00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:16,959
Sit him down, Watkins, whilst I get
362
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:19,959
Singing? Sarah Brightman?
363
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:21,959
Bravo!
364
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:27,159
So, if I may recap. You, matey,
365
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:30,959
No, but then neither is Sarah.
366
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:32,959
So, what do we make of Sarah?
367
00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:36,959
Chris? Dave? John? No?
368
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,479
Well, I suppose I might
369
00:23:39,480 --> 00:23:42,959
Tony promised to get me the
370
00:23:42,960 --> 00:23:43,959
in the Aryan commercial.
371
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:45,999
Slut!
372
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,959
Together, we made it work.
373
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,799
The characters lived.
374
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:50,999
They were real!
375
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:54,799
Then as soon as he got the part,
376
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:56,959
Yes, I wanted him dead!
377
00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:59,159
But not as much as Timmy.
378
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:01,959
Timmy, now there's a turn up.
379
00:24:01,960 --> 00:24:04,959
How does he fit into our
380
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:08,959
Timmy hated Tony, because
381
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,959
and worse than that,
382
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:13,959
whereas Timmy was just starting out.
383
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,959
That doesn't sound very convincing.
384
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:17,959
Too angry? You're right.
385
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:20,959
I'll try it again.
386
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,959
Timmy hated Tony because...
387
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:24,959
It's a lie!
388
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:27,999
I've done plenty of great work. What
389
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:30,959
What about She Stoops To Conquer,
390
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:32,959
Anyway, you've got to believe me.
391
00:24:32,960 --> 00:24:35,639
I could never kill anyone,
392
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:37,959
And Pisces!
393
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:39,959
He's quite right.
394
00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:41,959
He's a bit of a gardener as
395
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,959
Any other theories?
396
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,959
How do we know it wasn't suicide?
397
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:47,959
Tony would have done
398
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:49,959
That's enough!
399
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:55,959
Hello. Now we're into a firearm
400
00:24:55,960 --> 00:24:57,959
Shut up, everyone!
401
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:02,959
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
402
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:05,959
Me! Judy Talent.
403
00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:07,959
Any ideas now?
404
00:25:12,160 --> 00:25:15,959
Back off, everyone!
405
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:16,959
You probably think I'm mad.
406
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:19,959
Well, perhaps I am.
407
00:25:19,960 --> 00:25:22,959
You don't know what it's like to be
408
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:26,959
and the next you're pushing 40
409
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,959
Actually, there were
410
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:31,959
Apparently the Honey Monster's
411
00:25:31,960 --> 00:25:33,959
so you'll be behind a Dalek instead.
412
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:36,959
Not now, Timmy! Where was I?
413
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:39,959
The phone isn't ringing.
414
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:41,959
Yep, yep, yep.
415
00:25:42,960 --> 00:25:45,959
All the world's a stage,
416
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,959
but I didn't have any lines.
417
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,959
And then Tony came along
418
00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:55,999
I felt like a leading lady again.
419
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:59,959
But then... I was written out
420
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:03,959
I lost him and I found the bottle.
421
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:07,959
And then there were all the stories
422
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:09,959
There weren't any.
423
00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:11,479
Not one!
424
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:13,959
I knew I'd hit
425
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:18,319
when I couldn't even get a piece
426
00:26:18,320 --> 00:26:19,959
Let me tell you, BUDDY!
427
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:24,479
It's a long walk from
428
00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:26,959
And I took a cab!
429
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:39,959
Judy, Judy, Judy,
430
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,959
it was pure magic. An honour!
431
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:44,959
Mwah, mwah.
432
00:26:44,960 --> 00:26:48,959
Judy, you shone like
433
00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:50,959
Mwah!
434
00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:55,959
Of course, not quite how I would
435
00:26:55,960 --> 00:26:57,959
A bit eggy all round.
436
00:26:57,960 --> 00:26:59,959
You're too kind!
437
00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,959
Very sad.
438
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:05,959
A moving story, Miss Talent.
439
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:07,959
Yes, but it's not true.
440
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:09,959
What?
441
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:11,999
Miss Talent couldn't
442
00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:13,959
Because I did.
443
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:14,959
Why, Reg?
444
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:17,959
Well, it's obvious. I'm not a fool.
445
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:21,639
I know the real glamour's not in
446
00:27:21,640 --> 00:27:24,639
With Mr Sparkle out the way I
447
00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:26,959
To play John Parker?
448
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:30,959
No. Mr Duval would naturally
449
00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:34,959
I'd get to play the taxi driver
450
00:27:34,960 --> 00:27:37,959
You're a very, very sad fellow, Reg.
451
00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:40,959
And what you say to
452
00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:43,959
OK, so what if he did kill him.
453
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:47,319
I'm damned if the bloody barman's
454
00:27:48,960 --> 00:27:51,479
I admit it.
455
00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:53,799
I didn't kill him.
456
00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,959
It's just another sorry chapter
457
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,959
of an actress who's lived
458
00:28:00,960 --> 00:28:03,959
who's travelled each
459
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:08,959
but more, much more than this,
460
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:11,959
I did it and I must pay the price.
461
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:14,959
It's all over, Reg Drewitt.
462
00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:18,639
La commedia e finita.
463
00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:28,959
No.
464
00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:32,959
I think I've sprained my ankle.
465
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:39,959
So, once again, old-fashioned
466
00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:40,959
Turner?
467
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:45,959
It only remains
468
00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:50,959
Hands up, foreign chummy!
469
00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:55,959
I arrest you on suspicion
470
00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:56,959
Irish!
471
00:28:56,960 --> 00:29:01,319
♪ Murder most horrid
472
00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:04,999
♪ As strong as a smoke from a barrel
473
00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:09,959
♪ As cool as the blade of the knife
474
00:29:09,960 --> 00:29:15,319
♪ She's a stranger you love
475
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:18,959
♪ A caress could cost you your life
476
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:22,959
♪ And you wake in the night
477
00:29:22,960 --> 00:29:26,159
♪ Enormously torrid
478
00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:29,959
♪ Murder most horrid
30698
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