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[♪♪♪]
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CHRIS ROCK:
1983 was my first Valentine's Day as a teenager.
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00:00:11,054 --> 00:00:13,926
I never really cared
about Valentine's Day before,
4
00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:16,668
but now I couldn't ignore it.
5
00:00:16,842 --> 00:00:18,627
Valentine's Day makes
most people
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00:00:18,801 --> 00:00:20,672
think of flowers and candy,
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00:00:20,846 --> 00:00:23,936
but it reminded me of the
gangland massacre in Chicago.
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00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:26,200
Happy Valentine's Day.
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00:00:27,810 --> 00:00:31,074
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
10
00:00:33,511 --> 00:00:35,644
Yesterday,
those roses cost $10.
11
00:00:35,818 --> 00:00:38,168
Today, they're $110.
12
00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:40,431
Even when you're broke,
you have to find a way
13
00:00:40,605 --> 00:00:42,825
to tell your woman
you love her.
14
00:00:42,999 --> 00:00:44,653
OFFICER:
Hey!
15
00:00:46,176 --> 00:00:47,873
You picked the wrong wall today!
16
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,659
Even if it means getting
the crap beat out of you.
17
00:00:50,833 --> 00:00:54,184
On Valentine's Day,
love was in the air.
18
00:00:54,358 --> 00:00:56,882
You should have seen what
they did after they shot him.
19
00:00:59,015 --> 00:01:02,714
Hey.Hi. Happy Valentine's Day.
20
00:01:02,888 --> 00:01:06,457
Even at school, Valentine's Day was a big deal, and it seemed
21
00:01:06,631 --> 00:01:08,807
like everybody was getting
something except me.
22
00:01:08,981 --> 00:01:11,680
Still a few days to go.
We could still get a card.
23
00:01:11,854 --> 00:01:13,638
That look means,
"If we weren't friends,
24
00:01:13,812 --> 00:01:15,727
I'd smack the hope out of you."
25
00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:18,165
Hey, I got one. I got
a Valentine's Day card.
26
00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:19,818
Cool.
27
00:01:19,992 --> 00:01:22,256
Hey, if I got a card,
I know you will.
28
00:01:22,430 --> 00:01:24,084
What's it say?
29
00:01:27,217 --> 00:01:29,045
Roses are red, violets are blue,
30
00:01:29,219 --> 00:01:31,308
you stink like a monkey
and look like one too.
31
00:01:31,482 --> 00:01:33,658
Happy Valentine's Day.BOY: Loser!
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00:01:33,832 --> 00:01:35,704
So much for love in the air.
33
00:01:35,878 --> 00:01:38,141
[♪♪♪]
34
00:01:43,755 --> 00:01:46,193
♪ Aw, make it funky now ♪
35
00:02:08,650 --> 00:02:10,608
[♪♪♪]
36
00:02:10,782 --> 00:02:13,045
I didn't have any luck
with girls when I was 13.
37
00:02:13,220 --> 00:02:16,092
Mostly, I just had
a bunch of crushes.
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00:02:16,266 --> 00:02:18,355
They call it a crush
because chances are
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00:02:18,529 --> 00:02:21,358
if you open your mouth,
you're gonna get crushed.
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00:02:21,532 --> 00:02:24,100
They could have called it,
"She don't like you, stupid,"
41
00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:26,015
but "crush" is just quicker.
42
00:02:27,712 --> 00:02:29,105
That's Tangee Brown.
43
00:02:30,846 --> 00:02:32,239
Hi.
44
00:02:32,413 --> 00:02:34,197
All she ever
said to me was "hi."
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00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:39,420
That's all I needed. After that, she became my bus crush.
46
00:02:39,594 --> 00:02:40,986
I call it a bus crush
47
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,814
because this one
happened on a bus.
48
00:02:42,988 --> 00:02:47,210
One time
I had an elevator crush.
49
00:02:47,384 --> 00:02:50,213
I almost lost my head
trying to follow her around.
50
00:02:50,387 --> 00:02:52,128
There was my window crush.
51
00:02:52,302 --> 00:02:54,391
[SCREAMING][SCREAMING]
52
00:02:54,565 --> 00:02:57,438
The laws about that were a lot more relaxed at the time.
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00:02:57,612 --> 00:02:59,962
There was only one problem with my bus crush:
54
00:03:00,136 --> 00:03:01,659
she had a boyfriend.
55
00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:04,053
Why I gotta be stupid?
Youlost your hat.
56
00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:06,273
I was trying to keep you
from getting on the wrong bus.
57
00:03:06,447 --> 00:03:08,579
Oh, so I'm dumb now?Yeah, Tangee.
58
00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:10,190
And you're getting on my nerves.
59
00:03:10,364 --> 00:03:11,843
[BELL DINGS]
60
00:03:12,017 --> 00:03:14,672
Clyde, you still got my books.Here.
61
00:03:14,846 --> 00:03:17,066
You need to read them. Maybe
they'll teach you how to act.
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00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,068
This must be
how the drummer felt
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00:03:19,242 --> 00:03:21,505
watching Ike and Tina fight.
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00:03:21,679 --> 00:03:23,594
Thank you.You want to sit down?
65
00:03:23,768 --> 00:03:24,943
No, that's okay.
66
00:03:25,117 --> 00:03:27,381
Oh, no, it's all right.
I like to stand.
67
00:03:27,555 --> 00:03:28,817
Thanks.
68
00:03:28,991 --> 00:03:30,732
At that moment,
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00:03:30,906 --> 00:03:32,995
somebody could have sold me
a lifetime bus pass.
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00:03:34,866 --> 00:03:36,651
[MOUTHS]
I love you.
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00:03:36,825 --> 00:03:38,914
CHRIS ROCK:
My mother loved
Valentine's Day,
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00:03:39,088 --> 00:03:41,438
and why not?
I learned early on,
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00:03:41,612 --> 00:03:43,701
Valentine's Day
is not a day for couples,
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00:03:43,875 --> 00:03:45,703
it's a day for women.
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00:03:45,877 --> 00:03:49,403
If a woman shows up at a man's
door empty-handed, big deal.
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00:03:49,577 --> 00:03:52,144
But if a man shows up
empty-handed,
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00:03:52,319 --> 00:03:54,103
he may as well
not have shown up at all.
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00:03:54,277 --> 00:03:55,757
WOMAN: Die, you pig!Aah!
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00:03:55,931 --> 00:03:57,672
He won't forget next year.
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00:03:57,846 --> 00:03:59,761
ROCHELLE: Hello?GIRL: Can I talk to Drew?
81
00:03:59,935 --> 00:04:01,676
Drew can't come
to the phone right now.
82
00:04:01,850 --> 00:04:03,591
We're having dinner. I'm his valentine.
83
00:04:03,765 --> 00:04:05,549
His who? His valentine.
84
00:04:05,723 --> 00:04:09,161
His only valentine.Okay, bye.
85
00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:11,555
Drew, you need
to tell these fast little girls
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00:04:11,729 --> 00:04:13,775
to stop calling
all hours of the day and night.
87
00:04:13,949 --> 00:04:15,777
I told them already.Tell them again.
88
00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:19,868
They're all calling, "Well,
tell him his valentine called."
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00:04:20,042 --> 00:04:21,435
I don't have time for that.
90
00:04:21,609 --> 00:04:23,872
Relax. Boy can't help it
if he's popular.
91
00:04:24,046 --> 00:04:26,701
Chris, how many valentine cards
did you get so far?
92
00:04:26,875 --> 00:04:29,181
None.How come girls don't like you?
93
00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:30,661
None of your business,
that's why.
94
00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:34,056
Don't get mad at me.Hey, hey, hey.
95
00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:37,189
Mama, can you help me make
a Valentine's Day card?
96
00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:38,713
JULIUS:
A homemade card.
97
00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:41,106
That's my little girl,
saving that money.
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00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,892
Sure, baby. Who's it for?My boyfriend.
99
00:04:44,066 --> 00:04:46,329
[♪♪♪]
100
00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:48,679
Your what friend?Well, the girl can't help it
101
00:04:48,853 --> 00:04:50,290
if she's popular.
102
00:04:53,336 --> 00:04:56,383
Where'd you get a boyfriend?At school.
103
00:04:56,557 --> 00:04:59,168
Ma, do you have a place
where I can put all my cards?
104
00:04:59,342 --> 00:05:00,604
How many you giving out, boy?
105
00:05:00,778 --> 00:05:02,432
Well, I'm not really
giving them out.
106
00:05:02,606 --> 00:05:04,086
Girls just keep
giving them to me.
107
00:05:04,260 --> 00:05:05,914
JULIUS:
My man.
108
00:05:06,088 --> 00:05:08,569
Are girls supposed to give boys
Valentine's Day cards?
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00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:09,961
They're giving them to him.
110
00:05:10,135 --> 00:05:12,442
What's that
got to do to with me?
111
00:05:12,616 --> 00:05:14,879
How long
have you had a boyfriend?
112
00:05:15,053 --> 00:05:16,098
Just for a week.
113
00:05:16,272 --> 00:05:18,492
Rochelle?Julius.
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00:05:18,666 --> 00:05:21,582
I wish somebody would give me
a Valentine's Day card that says
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00:05:21,756 --> 00:05:23,453
something besides "I hate you."
116
00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:25,803
Well, if you want,
you can have one of mine.
117
00:05:25,977 --> 00:05:28,719
And I thought getting
his hand-me-downs was bad.
118
00:05:28,893 --> 00:05:30,591
Mm, no, thank you.
119
00:05:30,765 --> 00:05:33,333
Who gave you a card
that said "I hate you"?
120
00:05:33,507 --> 00:05:35,726
Oh, I don't know.
121
00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:37,511
It's just a stupid joke.
122
00:05:37,685 --> 00:05:39,861
Even though
I didn't like Caruso,
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00:05:40,035 --> 00:05:43,995
I didn't think he deserved to be cursed out by my mother.
124
00:05:44,169 --> 00:05:46,128
Even though
my father wasn't romantic,
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00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:48,173
he wasn't stupid, either.
126
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,611
He had a box full of
greeting cards in the house.
127
00:05:50,785 --> 00:05:54,354
He could give my mother
a card for any occasion.
128
00:05:54,528 --> 00:05:56,312
Happy Anniversary.
129
00:05:56,486 --> 00:05:59,576
Aw, you shouldn't have.
130
00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:02,362
Happy Flag Day.
131
00:06:02,536 --> 00:06:05,234
Oh, you shouldn't have.
132
00:06:05,408 --> 00:06:07,671
Happy Chanukah.
133
00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:10,935
Oh, you shouldn't have.
134
00:06:11,109 --> 00:06:13,285
He used to keep
candy under the bed too,
135
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:15,462
but the mice kept eating it.
136
00:06:17,159 --> 00:06:18,769
[ROCHELLE CLEARS THROAT]
137
00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:23,905
Hey, babe.Hey, baby.
138
00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,385
This is for you.
139
00:06:27,299 --> 00:06:29,867
Baby, it's not even
Valentine's Day yet.
140
00:06:30,041 --> 00:06:34,481
I know, but every day
is special with you.
141
00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:37,309
Oh, Julius, you didn't have to.
142
00:06:37,484 --> 00:06:39,355
But since you did...
143
00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:44,491
You see all this right here?
You see that?
144
00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:46,580
That's why Tonya don't need
to be running around
145
00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:48,320
talking about
she got a boyfriend.
146
00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:50,671
Julius, she's 10 years old.
147
00:06:50,845 --> 00:06:53,282
He's just a boy in her class.
It's no big deal.
148
00:06:53,456 --> 00:06:54,936
Rochelle, do you watch the news?
149
00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:56,503
Girls are having babies at 10.
150
00:06:56,677 --> 00:06:58,374
And grandbabies at 20.
151
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,681
Drew is the one
you need to be worried about.
152
00:07:00,855 --> 00:07:04,075
What for?
So a few girls like him.
153
00:07:04,249 --> 00:07:06,600
There's nothing wrong with that.He's 11.
154
00:07:06,774 --> 00:07:08,210
He's only
one year older than Tonya.
155
00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:10,691
Pssht.What is the difference?
156
00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:12,475
She is a girl.
157
00:07:12,649 --> 00:07:16,740
Baby, you cannot protect
Tonya from everything.
158
00:07:16,914 --> 00:07:19,656
You wanna bet? Watch me.
159
00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:22,267
I'll protect her
from everything. Everything.
160
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:25,009
It was clear that my father
already had a plan.
161
00:07:25,183 --> 00:07:27,925
Daddy, this is Ronald.
My fiancé.
162
00:07:28,099 --> 00:07:29,623
Nice to meet you, sir.
163
00:07:31,799 --> 00:07:33,583
[GROANS]
164
00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:36,934
Mama! Daddy shot
my fiancé again.
165
00:07:37,108 --> 00:07:40,677
Hey, say what you want, but that's effective birth control.
166
00:07:40,851 --> 00:07:42,331
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]
167
00:07:42,505 --> 00:07:45,160
Hey, why do girls like guys
that are mean to them?
168
00:07:45,334 --> 00:07:46,988
Nice guys finish last.
169
00:07:47,162 --> 00:07:49,556
Maybe the mean guys beat
the crap out of the nice guys
170
00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:52,210
so when the girls show up,
no one else is around.
171
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:53,821
Did you say anything
to her?
172
00:07:53,995 --> 00:07:56,388
I picked up her books
and I offered her a seat.
173
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,129
Oh, man, this is major.
174
00:07:58,303 --> 00:07:59,391
What's her name?Tangee.
175
00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:01,219
Greg, this is for you.
176
00:08:01,393 --> 00:08:03,221
Oh, yeah.
177
00:08:03,395 --> 00:08:05,354
Please don't open it
until I leave.
178
00:08:05,528 --> 00:08:07,008
Promise?
Okay.
179
00:08:07,182 --> 00:08:09,967
[♪♪♪]
180
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,534
Valentine's Day card?
181
00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:13,144
It says "Be mine."
182
00:08:13,318 --> 00:08:14,755
Okay.
183
00:08:16,060 --> 00:08:18,019
Yeah.
184
00:08:18,193 --> 00:08:21,892
Man, "Be my valentine,"
that's so cool.
185
00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:23,938
Hey, look, you got one too.
186
00:08:26,723 --> 00:08:29,813
"Roses are red,
violets are blue...
187
00:08:29,987 --> 00:08:33,774
cupid hates your guts,
and I do too."
188
00:08:33,948 --> 00:08:36,777
Well, at least this time
he wrote a poem.
189
00:08:36,951 --> 00:08:39,519
[LAUGHS][CHUCKLES]
190
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:44,349
I never knew when
I'd see Tangee on the bus,
191
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,874
so I was always excited
when I saw her get on.
192
00:08:47,048 --> 00:08:48,745
TANGEE: Let me go!No.
193
00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:51,226
Unfortunately, she was
always excited too.
194
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:55,056
Not "happy" excited, more
like "hold me back" excited.
195
00:08:55,230 --> 00:08:58,015
Look what you did to my jacket.
It's all stretched out.
196
00:08:58,189 --> 00:08:59,713
If you got on like I said,
it wouldn't have happened.
197
00:08:59,887 --> 00:09:02,106
You ain't my daddy.
I don't have to do what you say.
198
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:03,847
Push me again
and see what happens.
199
00:09:04,021 --> 00:09:06,415
Hey. Leave her alone.
200
00:09:06,589 --> 00:09:08,591
What?You heard him.
201
00:09:08,765 --> 00:09:10,506
What you gonna do now?
202
00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:13,074
Hey, I don't need any help
getting my ass whupped.
203
00:09:13,248 --> 00:09:15,032
That's the one thing
I'm good at.
204
00:09:15,206 --> 00:09:18,514
♪ Everybody hates Chris ♪
205
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,916
Mind your business. I couldn't back down now.
206
00:09:29,090 --> 00:09:31,571
I was scared if I moved
I might pee myself.
207
00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:33,094
No.
208
00:09:33,268 --> 00:09:35,966
Get the hell off my bus, boy.
209
00:09:36,140 --> 00:09:38,795
Okay.Not you. You.
210
00:09:38,969 --> 00:09:40,797
Come on, let's go.Why I got to get off?
211
00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:42,799
He started it.Quit lying.
212
00:09:42,973 --> 00:09:44,496
He ain't start nothing.
213
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:47,021
Why don't you quit lying?I said, get off.
214
00:09:47,195 --> 00:09:49,153
Now move.
215
00:09:53,331 --> 00:09:55,246
[BUS DOORS OPEN]
216
00:09:55,420 --> 00:09:57,074
You want to sit down?
217
00:09:57,248 --> 00:09:58,946
Sure.
218
00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:03,603
Why'd you do that?I don't know.
219
00:10:03,777 --> 00:10:05,343
I wasn't thinking, I guess.
220
00:10:05,517 --> 00:10:07,432
My father said you're not
supposed to hit a girl.
221
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,870
You know your father?Yeah.
222
00:10:11,915 --> 00:10:14,135
Nobody's ever looked out for me
like that before.
223
00:10:14,309 --> 00:10:15,745
What's your name?Chris.
224
00:10:15,919 --> 00:10:17,965
[♪♪♪]
225
00:10:23,492 --> 00:10:25,450
I'm Tangee.
226
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,148
Here.
227
00:10:27,322 --> 00:10:29,063
A Valentine's Day card?
228
00:10:29,237 --> 00:10:33,458
Yeah. I was gonna give it
to Clyde, but he makes me sick.
229
00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,373
Thanks. This was great,
230
00:10:35,547 --> 00:10:37,201
my first Valentine's.
231
00:10:37,375 --> 00:10:39,551
So what if it was meant
for a future wife beater?
232
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:41,031
He ain't beat me.
233
00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:43,294
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
234
00:10:43,468 --> 00:10:45,906
Hi. Is Drew home?
235
00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:47,472
Do you realize
it's 8:30 at night?
236
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,170
Drew is in bed.
237
00:10:49,344 --> 00:10:51,172
He is 11.
238
00:10:51,346 --> 00:10:54,044
E-L-E-V-E-N, 11.
239
00:10:54,218 --> 00:10:55,567
I--Go home.
240
00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:57,265
If I see you
around my child again,
241
00:10:57,439 --> 00:11:00,137
I'm calling the cops. Got that?Yeah, I--
242
00:11:00,311 --> 00:11:03,227
Okay, I know all of that.
I know, girl, I know.
243
00:11:03,401 --> 00:11:04,707
Beat it.
244
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:09,146
Ooh, these are my favorites.
245
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:11,235
Mm! Mm-mm-mm.
246
00:11:11,409 --> 00:11:14,369
All right, bye, Dad.See you later, son.
247
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,241
Daddy, you haven't walked us
to school in a long time.
248
00:11:17,415 --> 00:11:19,983
I know. It's been a while.
249
00:11:20,157 --> 00:11:22,290
Aren't you supposed
to be sleeping?
250
00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:25,032
Yeah. I can get my rest later.
251
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:27,774
Mama said you don't like
walking us to school.
252
00:11:27,948 --> 00:11:29,645
That's not true.
253
00:11:29,819 --> 00:11:31,255
You want a dollar?Yeah.
254
00:11:31,429 --> 00:11:34,345
All right. There you go.
255
00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:37,871
Hey, since I'm here,
256
00:11:38,045 --> 00:11:40,830
why don't you show me which one
of these kids is your boyfriend?
257
00:11:41,004 --> 00:11:43,485
Oh, um...there he is.
258
00:11:43,659 --> 00:11:45,052
James!
259
00:11:47,010 --> 00:11:49,534
So that's him, huh?Yeah.
260
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:51,014
All right.
261
00:11:52,668 --> 00:11:55,540
Bye, Daddy.All right, bye, baby.
262
00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:02,069
Can I talk to you for a minute?
263
00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:03,157
[CHILDREN CLAMORING]
264
00:12:03,331 --> 00:12:04,767
Who, me?Yeah, you.
265
00:12:04,941 --> 00:12:07,074
Get over here.What's your name?
266
00:12:07,248 --> 00:12:09,163
My name is "Don't worry
about what my name is."
267
00:12:09,337 --> 00:12:11,687
What, you think you're some
kind of ladies' man?
268
00:12:11,861 --> 00:12:14,516
I don't know any ladies.They're not even ladies to you?
269
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:16,910
No. Uh, I don't know...
270
00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:19,477
Who are you?Don't worry about who I am.
271
00:12:19,651 --> 00:12:21,697
Worry about
who you're giving them cards to.
272
00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:24,569
I want my mama.Oh, so you a mama's boy?
273
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,137
Yes.Well, listen up, mama's boy.
274
00:12:27,311 --> 00:12:30,053
You stay away from
my daughter, you hear me?
275
00:12:30,227 --> 00:12:31,228
Huh?
276
00:12:31,402 --> 00:12:32,360
[CRYING]
277
00:12:32,534 --> 00:12:33,709
Hey, man, stop that.
278
00:12:33,883 --> 00:12:35,232
Hey, stop that.
279
00:12:35,406 --> 00:12:36,799
MAN:
Hey, stay away from that boy!
280
00:12:36,973 --> 00:12:39,976
Get out of here!I was just talking to him.
281
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:42,631
MAN:
Hey, you, I'm talking to you!
282
00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:45,329
While my father was getting rid of Tonya's valentine,
283
00:12:45,503 --> 00:12:48,376
I wish he'd been around
to get rid of mine.
284
00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:50,465
[♪♪♪]
285
00:12:50,639 --> 00:12:53,555
"Roses are red,
violets are blue...
286
00:12:55,339 --> 00:12:57,820
Please go back to Africa
and take your mother with you.
287
00:12:57,994 --> 00:12:59,169
[LAUGHING]
288
00:12:59,343 --> 00:13:01,650
Happy Valentine's Day."BOY: Moron.
289
00:13:01,824 --> 00:13:05,132
Another card like this, and I might just go to Africa.
290
00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:08,962
What's wrong with you?
291
00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:10,790
I'm trying not to bump
into Joy again.
292
00:13:10,964 --> 00:13:12,487
The school's only but so big.
293
00:13:12,661 --> 00:13:14,663
You're bound to run
into her sometimes.
294
00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:16,839
I just don't know
what my next move is.
295
00:13:17,013 --> 00:13:18,885
Well, did you get her a card?No.
296
00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:21,235
Then that's your next move.
297
00:13:21,409 --> 00:13:23,759
You can come with me.
I was gonna go get one anyway.
298
00:13:23,933 --> 00:13:25,326
For who?
299
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,589
The girl on the bus.
She gave me one yesterday.
300
00:13:27,763 --> 00:13:29,156
And you didn't tell me?
301
00:13:29,330 --> 00:13:30,984
I go to bed early,
but you can call
302
00:13:31,158 --> 00:13:33,029
and wake me up when something
this important happens.
303
00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:34,944
Well, I wanted
to tell you in person.
304
00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:36,903
I broke up a fight between
her and her boyfriend.
305
00:13:37,077 --> 00:13:39,906
You broke up a fight?Yeah, and she gave me this card.
306
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:41,385
Dude, this is huge.
307
00:13:41,559 --> 00:13:43,213
Is it? I-I don't know.
308
00:13:43,387 --> 00:13:45,433
It... It's just a card.
309
00:13:45,607 --> 00:13:47,827
A card is,
"I'm yours for the taking."
310
00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:50,699
How in there do you have to be
before you get it?
311
00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:52,657
Why is it
that when it comes to me,
312
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,616
you know so much about girls,
313
00:13:54,790 --> 00:13:57,097
but you freak out
when one gives you a card?
314
00:13:57,271 --> 00:14:00,840
I guess it's kind of like not
being able to cut your own hair.
315
00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:03,016
Before you ever
buy a girl a gift,
316
00:14:03,190 --> 00:14:06,410
the first thing you've got to do is buy her the perfect card.
317
00:14:06,584 --> 00:14:07,934
Nah, that's too much.
318
00:14:08,108 --> 00:14:11,285
You haven't even
kissed her yet. Have you?
319
00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:15,767
Um...how about this one?
320
00:14:15,942 --> 00:14:17,247
"You know the deal.
321
00:14:17,421 --> 00:14:19,119
I want you to be my valentine."
322
00:14:19,293 --> 00:14:22,731
That's cool, but it's more
for a friend than a girl.
323
00:14:22,905 --> 00:14:25,560
Whoa, cool.
324
00:14:25,734 --> 00:14:28,737
"Relatively speaking,
would you be my valentine?"
325
00:14:28,911 --> 00:14:32,872
This is perfect.For Tangee? No, thanks.
326
00:14:33,046 --> 00:14:34,134
No, for Joy.
327
00:14:34,308 --> 00:14:36,353
Greg never fought being a nerd.
328
00:14:36,527 --> 00:14:39,139
I always wondered
how that worked out for him.
329
00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:41,706
[♪♪♪]
330
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,012
[HORN HONKING]
331
00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:44,796
Come on, honey!
332
00:14:47,451 --> 00:14:49,192
Greg, when did you get
this car?
333
00:14:49,366 --> 00:14:51,586
Well, the Bentley's
in the shop.
334
00:14:57,853 --> 00:14:59,115
I kind of like this one.
335
00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:04,468
Dude, this card is $2.50.
336
00:15:04,642 --> 00:15:06,731
Hey, you've gotta pay
to play, right?
337
00:15:11,867 --> 00:15:14,391
Quick, give me my card.
338
00:15:14,565 --> 00:15:15,653
Here.
339
00:15:15,827 --> 00:15:17,394
Here. This is for you.
340
00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:19,614
Thank you.GREG: No, no, no, no.
341
00:15:19,788 --> 00:15:21,746
Read it when you get home.Okay.
342
00:15:24,575 --> 00:15:27,013
Man, that was close.
343
00:15:27,187 --> 00:15:28,710
What's this?
344
00:15:28,884 --> 00:15:30,494
Oh, ha, ha, very funny.
345
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:35,673
Chris!
346
00:15:35,847 --> 00:15:37,371
How could you?
347
00:15:37,545 --> 00:15:40,026
When I found out how Caruso
had been teasing you,
348
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:43,203
I thought you'd appreciate
a real valentine from someone.
349
00:15:43,377 --> 00:15:45,857
Obviously, I was wrong. Nowadays, you wish
350
00:15:46,032 --> 00:15:48,164
all the teacher
gave your kids were cards.
351
00:15:48,338 --> 00:15:51,994
I didn't know it was yours.
352
00:15:52,168 --> 00:15:55,084
While I couldn't have been
less popular, back at home,
353
00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:57,347
Drew couldn't have been
more popular.
354
00:15:57,521 --> 00:15:59,349
[PHONE RINGS]
355
00:16:00,872 --> 00:16:02,962
Hello?GIRL: Is my valentine home yet?
356
00:16:03,136 --> 00:16:05,312
No, Drew is
still outside playing.
357
00:16:05,486 --> 00:16:07,575
Stop calling here!
358
00:16:07,749 --> 00:16:08,924
What's wrong, what's wrong?
359
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:10,143
All these girls calling.
360
00:16:10,317 --> 00:16:12,014
It's getting on my nerves.
361
00:16:12,188 --> 00:16:13,711
I already have
enough to deal with.
362
00:16:13,885 --> 00:16:16,540
Can you believe some maniac
threatened the kids?
363
00:16:16,714 --> 00:16:19,065
I've gotta go pick them up
from school today.
364
00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:21,371
Well, at least Drew's there
to protect Tonya.
365
00:16:21,545 --> 00:16:24,070
Now, what are we gonna do
about Drew and these girls?
366
00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:26,420
Huh? What?
367
00:16:26,594 --> 00:16:28,030
Julius, every five minutes,
368
00:16:28,204 --> 00:16:30,293
some girl is calling
or knocking at the door.
369
00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:33,514
Drew is way too young
to get this much attention.
370
00:16:33,688 --> 00:16:36,821
Rochelle, it's nothing, okay?
371
00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,780
Drew's only 11 years old.
372
00:16:38,954 --> 00:16:40,347
He don't care
about those girls.
373
00:16:40,521 --> 00:16:43,132
Boys are becoming fathers
even at age 12.
374
00:16:43,306 --> 00:16:45,656
CHRIS ROCK:
And great-grandfathers at 43.
375
00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:47,484
Baby, relax.
376
00:16:47,658 --> 00:16:48,572
Don't worry about it.
377
00:16:48,746 --> 00:16:50,400
You don't worry about it,
378
00:16:50,574 --> 00:16:53,099
'cause I ain't about to let
nobody call me Grandmama.
379
00:16:53,273 --> 00:16:55,014
With my mother on the job,
380
00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:57,929
I didn't get a girl
till I was 33.
381
00:16:58,104 --> 00:17:02,021
Meanwhile, Drew had more girls than an Usher after-party.
382
00:17:03,892 --> 00:17:05,589
Happy Valentine's Day, Drew.
383
00:17:05,763 --> 00:17:08,940
Oh, thank you, Miss Johnson.Uh-huh.
384
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:11,943
As bad as my Valentine's Day
had been going, I knew
385
00:17:12,118 --> 00:17:15,208
I could count on my bus crush
to make it all right.
386
00:17:15,382 --> 00:17:17,819
Hey, Chris, I saved you a seat.
387
00:17:20,648 --> 00:17:22,215
Thanks.
388
00:17:24,739 --> 00:17:26,958
Can I ask you something?What?
389
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:30,266
How come you go with a guy
that you always fight with?
390
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:34,314
I'm not going with him anymore.
He's stupid.
391
00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:35,793
That's all I needed to hear.
392
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:37,491
Hey, I got you something.
393
00:17:37,665 --> 00:17:40,276
Really? That's so sweet.
394
00:17:40,450 --> 00:17:42,452
What else?
395
00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:43,975
What else, what?
396
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:46,630
Where's the gift?I only got you a card.
397
00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:49,198
That's it?
It's Valentine's Day,
398
00:17:49,372 --> 00:17:52,636
and all you got me was
this cheap-ass card?
399
00:17:52,810 --> 00:17:54,943
I-I just met you.So?
400
00:17:55,117 --> 00:17:56,858
Where's the flowers?
Where's the candy?
401
00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:58,816
I thought I meant
something to you.
402
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:00,601
I thought we had a connection.
403
00:18:00,775 --> 00:18:03,125
You know, I could have stayed
with Clyde's sorry ass
404
00:18:03,299 --> 00:18:05,084
if this is how you
were gonna treat me.
405
00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:06,998
Can you please quiet down?You don't tell me to be quiet.
406
00:18:07,173 --> 00:18:10,001
Why don't you be quiet?
Better yet, shut up!
407
00:18:10,176 --> 00:18:12,656
Gonna tell me to be quiet.
You ain't my daddy!
408
00:18:12,830 --> 00:18:14,658
Getting cursed out on a bus
409
00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:17,618
is not really how I expected
to end my Valentine's Day,
410
00:18:17,792 --> 00:18:19,359
but it did prove my point.
411
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:21,752
If you have a crush,
you get crushed.
412
00:18:21,926 --> 00:18:23,928
This is a piece of paper!
I don't need this!
413
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,844
Where was the bus driver with a bat when you needed him?
414
00:18:27,018 --> 00:18:28,629
I kissed your
little funky cheek,
415
00:18:28,803 --> 00:18:30,457
but I could have
stayed with Clyde.
416
00:18:30,631 --> 00:18:33,503
Here, take back your stupid
card. I do not need this.
417
00:18:36,985 --> 00:18:40,075
Drew, you gotta return
these cards to Miss Johnson.
418
00:18:40,249 --> 00:18:42,295
A 30-year-old married woman
419
00:18:42,469 --> 00:18:45,211
giving cards
to my 11-year-old son.
420
00:18:45,385 --> 00:18:47,561
What about the candy?
421
00:18:47,735 --> 00:18:50,825
I think sending
the cards back makes the point.
422
00:18:53,915 --> 00:18:55,786
Giving the card to Tangee
didn't work out,
423
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,832
but I knew my mother
would appreciate one.
424
00:18:58,006 --> 00:19:00,008
Thank you, sweetie.
425
00:19:00,182 --> 00:19:02,619
You didn't have to give me
a card.
426
00:19:02,793 --> 00:19:04,926
I already know that you love me.
427
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:06,580
[CHUCKLES]
428
00:19:08,059 --> 00:19:10,061
Who the hell is Joy?
429
00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:15,154
Joy, are you dating a black guy?
430
00:19:15,328 --> 00:19:17,112
She did, five years later.
431
00:19:17,286 --> 00:19:20,594
♪ Everybody hates Chris ♪
432
00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:27,209
[♪♪♪]
433
00:19:27,383 --> 00:19:29,559
♪ Aw, make it funky now ♪
30556
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