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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,880 --> 00:00:04,959 Khan, the man who had Eight murdered. 2 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:08,999 You do as you're told. My nephew will be your new shadow. 3 00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:11,399 How's it going to feel getting blasted by your own strap? 4 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:13,199 I'm not a joke now, am I, Mobeen? 5 00:00:13,200 --> 00:00:15,479 I am the number one barber in the Small Heath! 6 00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:17,399 No, I am the number one in the hall. 7 00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:20,159 You love me, and that's not a problem. Just let it happen. 8 00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:23,039 Mobeen "Haramzadah Bastard" Deen. 9 00:00:23,040 --> 00:00:25,079 Do you still share a bunk bed with your mum? 10 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:27,599 - No! - Oooh, wow. - I'm on the top bunk now. 11 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:29,839 Mashallah! Big man! 12 00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:31,319 I'm here undercover as a prison officer. 13 00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:32,839 Chamomile. 14 00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:35,239 Ginseng, it's extremely cleansing. 15 00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:37,159 Yes! 16 00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:39,319 What would you do for your family? 17 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:42,159 Me, I'd do anything for my dad. 18 00:00:42,160 --> 00:00:45,719 Who's her dad? Oh, God, no, no, no. Her dad is... 19 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:48,999 - Khan. - Come here! You will never threaten my family again! 20 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,839 Mobeen, you just made this personal. 21 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:56,039 - Nida's got me a proper placement. - Tell him where it is. 22 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:57,799 Sharjah, in the UAE. 23 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:00,639 Her brother and I are old friends. 24 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:03,080 This is what happens to heroes, brother. 25 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:10,479 BELL TOLLS 26 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:13,320 IMAM CHANTS PRAYER 27 00:01:26,011 --> 00:01:29,439 You know, you didn't even cry this much 28 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:31,999 when I almost died, you know that? Shit. 29 00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,999 Can you keep it to a quiet? 30 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:37,039 Can you keep it to a quiet? Let me tell you something right now. 31 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,079 I got stabbed three weeks ago, I'm still in remission. 32 00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:41,199 Remission is for cancer. 33 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,639 And again, stabbed is way more traumatic than getting cancer. 34 00:01:43,640 --> 00:01:46,159 Excuse me. Can you lot keep it down, please? 35 00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:49,679 - Show some respect for Bilal. - Sorry, Baji. - Sorry. 36 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,799 - I need to find my ticket guy. - Oh, gosh. 37 00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:53,839 Why can't you buy your airplane ticket on the internet 38 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:57,119 - like a normal person? - Because he gets discount 39 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,239 and you know what I'm like when it comes to discounts, 40 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:02,279 - I'm brown as fuck. - Oh, my...! Hello? You can't say that here. 41 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,279 Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. 42 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:07,199 HE SPEAKS URDU 43 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,759 Well, at least you can get to the UAE and save Aqsa. 44 00:02:09,760 --> 00:02:12,039 - Yeah. - Right! That's enough! 45 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:16,799 My brother has just passed and you're yapping on. 46 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:18,639 Sister, I don't know if anybody told you, 47 00:02:18,640 --> 00:02:21,239 but I was stabbed three weeks ago. I'm still currently in remission. 48 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:22,599 It's emotional remission. 49 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,639 That's what I'm missing out, I'm recovering. 50 00:02:24,640 --> 00:02:26,570 Have you ever been stabbed? Exactly! 51 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:29,839 Oh! 52 00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:31,200 His hand is in my pocket! 53 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,080 I'm so sorry for your loss. 54 00:02:38,651 --> 00:02:42,319 I think he had rigor mortis, you know. 55 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:44,919 His willy was poking in my back. 56 00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:46,799 Why was you crying so much? 57 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:50,319 - You know, Bilal showed me the true power of chai. - Oh, yeah. 58 00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:55,559 You know, full body, so sensual, so aromatic. 59 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:58,559 You sound like you're trying to shag the chai right now, chill out. 60 00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,319 I'm just happy I finally know what I'm going to do in my life. 61 00:03:01,320 --> 00:03:02,959 Open my own chai shop. 62 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,919 It's so good to be free. 63 00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:07,679 You know what you should call it? Chai Haus, 64 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,159 but like they spell it in Germany. I'll leave you with that. 65 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:12,959 Chai Haus, but how they spell it in Germany. 66 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,040 You magnificent fat fuck. 67 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,359 One plane ticket to the UAE. 68 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:23,679 You know, the Celts believed in another worldly realm, 69 00:03:23,680 --> 00:03:25,759 the house of the dark one - 70 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,039 where all the dead souls gathered. 71 00:03:29,040 --> 00:03:32,279 I always thought that'd be a great name for a pub with a good Guinness. 72 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:34,479 The House of the Dark One. 73 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:37,439 - Sounds a bit racist. - Ah, I'm only messing with you, Mobeen. 74 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:38,999 As long as me and you are... 75 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,999 Are standing up to Farage and Robinson 76 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,319 shovelling their furnaces, we'll be grand. 77 00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:47,000 - Yeah, I can get with that, Jerry. I can get with that. - Yeah. 78 00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:54,279 Nate, Jerry. Jerry, Nate. Incredible local businessman. 79 00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:56,559 - Oh, stop. - Nice to meet you, Jerry. 80 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:58,199 Pleasure. Pleasure. 81 00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,919 Uh, yeah, he's a big fan of chai. 82 00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:03,319 - You got a couple of chai shops, haven't you? - They call me Mr Tea. 83 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:04,799 Not with the chains, you know, 84 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:08,199 like the lover and connoisseur of the delicious hot beverage. 85 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:09,879 Anyway, uh... We've got to be at... 86 00:04:09,880 --> 00:04:12,799 My ol' granny used to say life is like a cup of tea. 87 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,479 It's all in how you make it. 88 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:15,999 I love that woman. 89 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,919 Even if she did hit me with a crowbar every Sunday after mass. 90 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:22,479 - Sounds a bit aggressive. - Hey, him? Not...not at all. 91 00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:24,839 In fact, if you ask me, it's missing from society. 92 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:26,439 So, how about me and you, uh, 93 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,919 we go find a couple of teenagers to headbutt in memory of... 94 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,479 - Let's go. - Ah, excuse me. Can you please... 95 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:34,670 Yeah, two businessmen are talking, so you can, you know, scram. 96 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,479 Ah, such a shame Bilal had the accident, wasn't it? 97 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:43,480 - Yeah. Terrible, terrible accident. - Yeah. 98 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:48,519 How would you feel about taking it over? 99 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:53,560 - Sorry? - I was the main investor in Bilal's place and... 100 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:58,159 ..I'd like it to go to another tea man. 101 00:04:58,160 --> 00:04:59,959 What...what do you say? 102 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:01,559 I mean, it would be an honour, Jerry. 103 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:04,359 I'm sure we have to fill out some forms or something, but... 104 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:06,159 No, no, no forms. Forms are too fancy. 105 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:09,959 Just let's keep it simple. You know where it is. 106 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,319 And there's loads of stock in the basement, so you're... 107 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:14,799 - You're good to go, son. - Oh, my gosh. 108 00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:17,359 - Don't know what to say. - Just say thank you. 109 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:20,759 - And I'll pop in every now and again to say hello. - Thanks. 110 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:22,999 This is going to be brilliant. 111 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,879 - Chai-chai. - Chai-chai. 112 00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:28,080 Thank you, God, for this beautiful day! 113 00:05:29,240 --> 00:05:30,519 I can't believe it...! 114 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:33,679 Argh! Ah! 115 00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,399 Stop! Stop! 116 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,199 Shut 'em down, open up shop 117 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:40,439 Oh-oh 118 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:41,759 No-oh... 119 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,919 I mean, he's laughing at my brother's graveside. 120 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:46,759 I mean, who comes to a funeral and starts laughing? 121 00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,240 Why are you hiding, bastard? 122 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:51,479 Oh, unbelievable. 123 00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:55,639 I suggest you turn around before I break your dick. 124 00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:57,719 Yeah, you heard me. You're still standing there? 125 00:05:57,720 --> 00:06:00,840 Stop it! Just get away from here, bastard. 126 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,200 - Thank you, Uncle. - Don't touch it. 127 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:12,119 - What are you doing? - Paying my respect. 128 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,999 - By stealing dhal? - That's what Bilal would have wanted. 129 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,919 - He hated dhal. - He did. 130 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:20,919 - Listen, I have to ask you something, tittyman. - Yeah? 131 00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:24,199 Something that will change your shit life. 132 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,439 - You marry my daughter. - Sorry? 133 00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:29,119 I have some land in Pakistan. I want to get it back, 134 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:33,439 but my bastard brother won't let me unless she get married. 135 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,399 Your daughter? 136 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,359 Leila, she is a... 137 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:40,639 - What? - Very beautiful human being. 138 00:06:40,640 --> 00:06:43,079 - Like you. - Yeah. I have 20,000 139 00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:45,399 to give to someone who marry my daughter. 140 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,999 And I want it to be you because you are just like my son, 141 00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:50,639 with big tits. 142 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:53,480 - But...but this is huge. - Yeah. Just like your bosom. 143 00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:57,319 Let me just think about it, OK, Uncle? 144 00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:00,119 But thank you for thinking of me like your son. 145 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,360 Ju just calm down, calm down. 146 00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:05,279 Hey, you all right? 147 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:08,760 I don't have time for chocolate gays, get away from me. 148 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:11,759 Hey, man, listen. 149 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:15,319 I'm about to head to the airport. You know you can come. 150 00:07:15,320 --> 00:07:18,079 Come on, Burj Khalifa! Save Aqsa, but Burj Khalifa. 151 00:07:18,080 --> 00:07:19,559 I would love to but, you know, 152 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:22,999 somebody hooked me up with a new business partner. 153 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,439 - So no can do. - Who, who, who? 154 00:07:25,440 --> 00:07:27,279 - You hooked me up with Jerry. - What? 155 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,559 Jerry's my business partner now. 156 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:30,719 OK. 157 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:33,279 Hey, what's wrong? Aren't you happy for me? 158 00:07:33,280 --> 00:07:35,399 Oh... I'm always happy for you. 159 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:37,439 Come here, man. Congratulations. 160 00:07:37,440 --> 00:07:39,439 - OK. - I'll see you when I get back. 161 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,559 Yeah, um...don't die. 162 00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:43,839 - Huh? - Don't die. 163 00:07:43,840 --> 00:07:45,199 Inshallah. 164 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,250 - Inshallah, say inshallah. - Inshallah. 165 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,359 Hey, man 166 00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:03,279 You a little sucker for love... 167 00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,679 - See you on the other side, bruv. - Don't die. 168 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:07,960 - Why do you keep saying that? - Heya! 169 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:10,479 HE LAUGHS 170 00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:14,679 I take no pleasure in this, but as somebody who carries authority, 171 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:17,479 I'm afraid I can't let you use this ticket. 172 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:21,439 - You know what the miracle is here? - Mm. - You even reached that ticket. 173 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:23,959 Huh? You and your mum been attending extra sessions 174 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,079 - at the trampoline park? - Piss off! 175 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:30,199 We're members, so we can use as many sessions as we like. 176 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:31,639 Sick, though. 177 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:33,480 - What? - The jump, sick. 178 00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:37,319 - Is it? - Got speed, bro. 179 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:39,879 The way you jump it there, that's like sick vert. Show me again. 180 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,759 - Is it sick, yeah? I've been training. - Good, show me, show me, 181 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:43,719 - show me one more time. - OK, this is how I do it, OK. 182 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:45,239 - Three, two, one... - Yeah, yeah, yeah, 183 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,319 Piss off, will you? 184 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:52,159 You take the piss out of me all you like, but you ain't flying anywhere. 185 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:53,719 You were discharged from Belmarsh, 186 00:08:53,720 --> 00:08:57,559 where you got me got fired from before finishing your sentence, 187 00:08:57,560 --> 00:08:59,839 which means you're still on licence. 188 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,319 And you can't leave the country if you're still on licence. 189 00:09:02,320 --> 00:09:04,239 Especially when you're living under my chht. 190 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:05,359 Your mum's chht. 191 00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:09,040 The only way you're getting out of here is with a fake passport. 192 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:14,039 - Yes. - No. - What a good idea. 193 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,279 - No, that's not my idea. - Hey, hey, hey, what's going on? 194 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:17,359 He said I need a fake passport, 195 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:18,799 and I need to get my money back from Jerry. 196 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,879 Oh, my gosh. Every day, you panchod. 197 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,519 Why are you calling me a panchod? 198 00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:24,559 - Both of you panchods! - Rude. 199 00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:26,799 Right, will you shut up? 200 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,200 Shut the fuck up! 201 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,199 ALL SHOUT 202 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:30,250 Ooh! 203 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,080 - I gotta go. Gotta see Jerry. - Don't see Jerry. 204 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,799 - I'm very disappointed in you. - Get out. 205 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,239 - I need the dodgy passport now. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 206 00:09:41,240 --> 00:09:42,959 Could I get the money back? 207 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:46,279 Oh, oh, you mean Jerry's money back guarantee? 208 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:49,799 - If that's what you want to call it. - Come here, come, come here. - Yeah. 209 00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:52,440 Not a fucking chance. 210 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,800 Just ask your man there. 211 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,720 Stay lucky, Mobeen. 212 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:22,360 MUSIC: Aap Jaisa Koi by Nazia Hassan 213 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:32,439 Wakey wakey, Kenan and Kel! 214 00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:34,879 Prison was actually less prisony than this. 215 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:37,879 Oi. I'm not in the mood for your bullshit this morning. 216 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,079 Mum's snoring kept me up all night. 217 00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:41,639 Calm down, Stuart Little. 218 00:10:41,640 --> 00:10:44,639 Just because I'm little, yeah, don't mean I can't mash you up. 219 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:47,799 Bro, the only mashing up going on is him and your mama. 220 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:51,239 - Ta-ta-ta. - No, Nate, stop saying that. 221 00:10:51,240 --> 00:10:55,919 - Ooh-la-laa. - There you are, my little Saji-saurus, there's my baby. 222 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,199 - Thank you, Mummy. - Your clothes. 223 00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,679 - Oh, and how are you today, my big T-Rex? - I'm OK, Auntie. 224 00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:05,679 - Mum, do you have to? - Have you brushed your teeth? Huh? 225 00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:08,559 Your breath smells like gooch in the morning, now get out, out, 226 00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:09,879 out and stay out! 227 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:11,759 - I'll come with you, Saj. - No, you won't! 228 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,879 SHE SPEAKS URDU 229 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:17,559 Now, little man, a little bird tells me 230 00:11:17,560 --> 00:11:19,799 you have some money troubles going on, hmm? 231 00:11:19,800 --> 00:11:22,159 Who doesn't? Everybody needs money. 232 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:26,519 Inflation is just going up style and the cost of living is going up. 233 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:29,359 I can give you money, as much money as you like, whenever you like, 234 00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:32,319 however you like. Because we are friends, right? 235 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:35,919 I scratch your arsehole, you scratch mine. 236 00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,439 That's not the saying. There's nobody scratching arseholes... 237 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:42,319 It doesn't matter what the saying is. 238 00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:45,360 SHE SPEAKS URDU 239 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:50,239 Mum! I've got loose motion again! 240 00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:52,719 You stay right there! I'm coming. 241 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:55,119 - Do it. - I'm not going to do it. - I'll do it. 242 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:58,039 Shall I tell you the truth, though? I've got a trouser movement. 243 00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:59,959 - Fuck it. - Stop it. 244 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:03,600 Leave me alone... 245 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:09,279 OK, so let's establish this, yeah, we have school uniform, 246 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:12,519 police uniform, prison officer uniform, brother, yeah? 247 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,559 This is the first time I've seen you wear your own clothes, 248 00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,039 and let me tell you, they're shit. 249 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:18,839 Correction, the clothes his mummy picked out for him. 250 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:23,159 Mum only chooses my outerwear. I always choose my own underwear. 251 00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:27,279 - Well, we hope you're enjoying your big boy pants. - I am. Nice and loose. 252 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:29,599 - Hah, can you smell that? - What is it? 253 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:32,679 The fresh scent of freedom. 254 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:36,199 Smells more like tarkah and diabetes to me. 255 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:38,479 Can't even fucking smell diabetes. You're such a bad vibe. 256 00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,479 - Do me a favour, piss off, will you? - "Piss off, would you?" 257 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:42,119 Piss off, would you? 258 00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:44,519 Oh, lor...! 259 00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:47,039 Don't keep your eyes shut around here or you'll get wet up. 260 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:48,719 I'll wet your mum up, how 'bout that? 261 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:51,159 - Chill, chill, you've got enough mums to wet up at the moment. - It's true. 262 00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:54,559 - Mum's dead. - I'm glad, to be honest with ya. 263 00:12:54,560 --> 00:12:57,039 Carry on like that and you'll get wet up for real, Uncle. 264 00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,679 Who are you calling Uncle? My tits are wet! 265 00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,199 Oh! 266 00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,119 HE SPEAKS PUNJABI 267 00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:06,279 - What the shit is going on round here? - Bro, it's chaos out here. 268 00:13:06,280 --> 00:13:08,999 - Salaam, Emre. - Salaam, my brother. 269 00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,199 These ends are on their bloody knees. 270 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:14,999 The Khans think they run them, the Irish think they run them. 271 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:19,239 We need my people in charge. The Turkish people are always calm. 272 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:23,239 - Emre! - What? Youssouf I have very important appointment right now. 273 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:26,639 It's business! Shut the fuck up and continue your fucking job! 274 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,600 Go on! Arsehole! 275 00:13:28,601 --> 00:13:31,359 Where is my bloody money, Mobeen? 276 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:34,519 - Are you joking right now? - For your last trim in 2020. 277 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:35,959 Brother, it's been four years. 278 00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:37,919 I've been in prison, man. Can't you let me off? 279 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,279 - Do I look like a standing up comedian? - I promise you, 280 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,879 I'm going to get you the money. Can you fit him in for a trim? 281 00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:45,359 Yeah, of course. Child's haircut is cheaper, obviously. 282 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:48,159 - Come on, little boy. - I'm 36! 283 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,439 36...inches tall. 284 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,319 Come on. 285 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,639 You want a lolly, little one? Huh? 286 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:56,079 Piss off, Emre. 287 00:13:56,080 --> 00:13:58,039 Are you even in the country legally? 288 00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:00,039 Look, here's my plan, yeah? 289 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,159 You give me six months and I'll be your chai shop partner. 290 00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:03,999 - It's a shit plan. - Not a shit plan! 291 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,439 I don't want to hear it, man. I don't understand, like, 292 00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:07,679 can't you just get over it? 293 00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,799 Brother, you don't need Jerry, man, I'll do it with you. 294 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:10,999 PHONE RINGS 295 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,359 - Just be happy for me for once, Mobeen. - I am happy for you. 296 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,719 It's Aks. 297 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,519 - Hey, baby girl. - Hey. 298 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,999 - How are you? - I'm all right, but I still can't believe you got stabbed. 299 00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,319 Tell me who done it so I can send 'em flowers. 300 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:24,919 Knife crime is not funny, why are you laughing? 301 00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:27,319 - Why are you laughing? I can see you. - Sorry. 302 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,439 All right, Nate? how's life on the outside? 303 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,039 At least you don't have to share a bunk bed with Mobeen. 304 00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:35,239 I actually still do. But I'm opening a chai shop. 305 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,839 - You get discount, obvs. - Obvs. 306 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,279 - How are they treating you over there, kid? - I love it. 307 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,559 It's better than shit weather, shit wages, 308 00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:45,479 - and shitty racists shouting at me in the A&E. - Yeah. 309 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:49,679 - Fair. - Mobes, this is my boss, Mr Khan, 310 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,359 the one I was telling you about. 311 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:55,759 Mr Khan, this is my brother Mobeen, and that's my Uncle Nate. 312 00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:57,639 Oh, nice to meet you both. 313 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:02,119 Your sister is a very talented physician. 314 00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:03,559 You taking care of her, yeah? 315 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:07,039 Absolutely, Mobeen. 316 00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:11,119 She's a wonderful new addition to the organisation. 317 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,679 Now, I don't mean to be rude, but, uh, 318 00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,080 we have to prepare for a meeting. 319 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,039 See you soon, Mobes. 320 00:15:20,040 --> 00:15:22,279 - Love you. - Love you. 321 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:23,920 Love you, kid. 322 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:27,960 I know. 323 00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:32,170 I need a fake passport, and there's only one guy who can help us. 324 00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:43,439 What the hell have you done to yourself? 325 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:44,880 Harps? 326 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,280 Just leave me alone. 327 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:53,639 - Oh, God. - Did he just take that biscuit from his pubes? 328 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:55,119 Don't eat pube biscuits. 329 00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:57,920 HE EXCLAIMS IN PUNJABI 330 00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,079 You know what this needs? 331 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,639 - The Almighty? - That's correct. - Yeah. 332 00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:06,079 Listen to us. 333 00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:07,959 - You are our brother. - Yes. 334 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,599 You handsome, dishevelled wanker. Yeah? 335 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,159 You you're a man of integrity and you're a man of honour, 336 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:14,799 and just... You did get me stabbed, 337 00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:16,759 - but that's a separate thing at the moment, OK? - Yeah. 338 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:18,239 You're a good, good man. 339 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:20,440 So, rise, rise! 340 00:16:21,680 --> 00:16:23,519 He's not rising. 341 00:16:23,520 --> 00:16:25,199 He's not rising. 342 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:28,199 Also, it smells like shit in here, man. 343 00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:29,439 Urgh. 344 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,920 Just leave me alone, Moonwatch. 345 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:35,319 Do you know what this situation needs? 346 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:36,799 - Empathy. - Mm-mm. 347 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:39,439 - Courage. - No. 348 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,480 - Self-love. - No. - What? 349 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:44,840 - Chai. - Oh, God. 350 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:49,000 Ah! Lovely chai. 351 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,559 I fucked it. 352 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,359 That's why they sacked me. 353 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:57,639 What do you mean? You're a brilliant police officer. 354 00:16:57,640 --> 00:17:00,079 I got sent into prison to get info. 355 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:03,079 Got zero info and my mark got stabbed. 356 00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:04,679 My name's Mobeen. 357 00:17:04,680 --> 00:17:06,919 - Who's Mark? - Me. 358 00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:08,959 I think. 359 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,919 Who the fuck is Mark? Is he all right? 360 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,479 - Fuck's sake, Mobeen. - Look... 361 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:16,959 If I needed a fake passport, how much? 362 00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:19,359 - About seven bags. - Oh! 363 00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:21,319 But if you've got a record, you need a decent one 364 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:22,799 or else they'll smell a rat. 365 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:24,839 They'll just start using facial recognition checks 366 00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:28,199 - and then you're screwed. - Bro, I hate it out here, man. 367 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:30,959 I loved prison and I nearly got killed in prison. 368 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:32,320 My fault. 369 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:38,119 Well...the decision has been made. 370 00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:41,760 Either I marry Shady's daughter, or I crash Saj's mum. 371 00:17:45,120 --> 00:17:47,839 Time to meet my future wife. 372 00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:50,639 It smells of shit in here. You really need to train your dog. 373 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,960 - I haven't got a dog. - Hmm? 374 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,439 Interesting. Looks like we keep an eye on Mobeen 375 00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:59,999 and my new chai shop friend. 376 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:03,599 Spending time round a copper's place is bad for business. 377 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:05,719 Miss, if you got a bumper, then twerk it 378 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,319 - Miss, if you got a bumper, then shake it - Then shake it 379 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,439 - Vibrate it - Vibrate it - Embrace it 380 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:11,919 If you want a baby, let's make it 381 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,199 First step, room, next step, get naked... 382 00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,119 Salaam, my brothers, you OK? 383 00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:18,439 - Mobs, what's up? - You all right, bro, yeah? 384 00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:20,999 - Uh, could I possibly have a table for two, please? - Are you booked in? 385 00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,639 - Nothing available, bro, sorry. - Nothing? 386 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:24,679 - Fully booked for about a month. - For a month, you said? 387 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,719 You've not booked, no? 388 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:30,359 - Table for two, bastards. - Yes. - Oh, yes, yes, sorry. 389 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:33,440 Hello, ladies. Whose house is it? 390 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:36,719 Look after my daughter, bastard. 391 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,959 I grew up on the crime side, the New York Times side 392 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,639 Stayin' alive was no jive 393 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:44,799 Had second-hands, moms bounced on old man 394 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,879 So then we moved to Shaolin land 395 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,880 A young youth, yo, rockin' the gold tooth... 396 00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:54,639 - Hi, Mobes, are you all right? - I'm OK. 397 00:18:54,640 --> 00:18:56,480 Help me. Help me. 398 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,040 HE EXHALES 399 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:27,120 Did you say...? 400 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:37,519 - Ready to order? - Yes, yes, brother, thank you for coming. 401 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:40,879 Um, could I please have, uh, one Bombay Badboy. 402 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:43,560 - One Bombay Badboy. - Thank you, brother. 403 00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,320 Can you warm these up for me, please? 404 00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:00,159 Is that dhal from Bilal's funeral? 405 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:03,159 I don't know. My father gave them to me... I don't ask questions, OK? 406 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,479 - It's from Bilal's funeral. - Yeah, well... 407 00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:06,960 Now, bastard. 408 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,240 Go, go, go quick. 409 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:21,600 - Thank you. - Oh, thank you. Looks amazing. Thank you so much, cheers. 410 00:20:22,491 --> 00:20:27,279 Shall we just get down to the big business? Yeah? 411 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:28,999 - Yes, yeah. - Yeah? - Yeah. 412 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,839 All right. I'm... 413 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:36,199 I'm... I'm happy to go along with this sham marriage, 414 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,799 - but on one condition. Yeah? - OK. 415 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:42,399 Yeah? All I ask from a husband is loyalty. 416 00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,280 LAUGHTER NEARBY 417 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:48,679 Like, are you listening? 418 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:51,210 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah? 419 00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:55,199 - Did you... Did you hear me? - Yeah, yeah, I'm listening. 420 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,479 Because the... The presence of other women in our marriage, 421 00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,879 it will make... It will make me look like a mug. 422 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:01,199 And I'm not having that, titsy. 423 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,159 - Oh, they're so big. - All right. 424 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:05,639 - You should check your oestrogen levels. - I-I... I'll get it checked. 425 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:06,910 - Thank you. Yes. - Yeah, OK. 426 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,520 - Can... - Woohoo! 427 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:15,959 - Can I trust you, Mobeen? - Penis! 428 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,999 - Hmm? - Can I trust you? - With what? 429 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:21,439 Life, life partner. 430 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,279 Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. 431 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:24,679 Huh, yeah. 432 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,199 Yeah? 433 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:27,599 Yeah. 434 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:31,679 OK, let's, um, let's, uh, let's do this, um, this marriage of, 435 00:21:31,680 --> 00:21:33,680 um, financial convenience. 436 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,360 Mubarak. 437 00:21:37,720 --> 00:21:40,279 All right, OK. 438 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:44,439 Where shall we... Where... Where shall we go on honeymoon? 439 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:47,079 - Oh, shit! - Man like Mobeen. 440 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:48,959 I've been looking for you. 441 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,000 MUSIC: 18HUNNA by Headie One 442 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:55,599 HE EXCLAIMS IN URDU 443 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:57,799 18 hunna for the new rusty 444 00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:59,359 Man grab it and kick it like rugby 445 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:01,159 I was in the T house, head back dusty 446 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:02,839 Still waking up to nudes in country 447 00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:04,279 Four and a half in the bando 448 00:22:04,280 --> 00:22:05,719 Profit, oh, so lovely 449 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:07,679 My little bro shitted out the pack and flushed it 450 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:09,239 Tell me how he could be so clumsy 451 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:10,679 These bad B's coming to the niz 452 00:22:10,680 --> 00:22:12,679 They don't really love me, but they love me 453 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:13,999 From qway, been doing up upsy 454 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,279 I swear man done more sales than Gumtree 455 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:18,839 If I get me that drop, it won't be nothin' like Humpty's 456 00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:20,839 Back door bus, watch me get dumpy 457 00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,920 These opps can't never get comfy... 458 00:22:22,970 --> 00:22:27,520 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 36104

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