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[ STATIC ]
[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]
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00:00:06,792 --> 00:00:10,751
♪ MY DREAMS ARE ALL DEAD AND
BURIED ♪
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00:00:10,834 --> 00:00:16,667
♪ WISH THE SUN
WOULD JUST EXPLODE ♪
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00:00:16,751 --> 00:00:22,250
♪ WHEN GOD CALLS ME
TO HIS KINGDOM ♪
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00:00:22,334 --> 00:00:24,918
♪ I'LL TAKE ALL YOU SONS OF
BITCHES WHEN I GO ♪
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♪ ALL YOU SONS OF BITCHES WHEN I
GO ♪
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Rusty: MY TURN.
Early: HELL NO.
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00:00:30,125 --> 00:00:31,459
Rusty: MAN, LET ME DRIVE THAT
THING!
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Early: DO NOT TOUCH THE TRIM!
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OKAY. SO NOW I'M GONNA NEED
YOU TO DROP YOUR PANTS AND...
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00:00:37,792 --> 00:00:38,584
Dan Halen: PANTS?
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?
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00:00:39,667 --> 00:00:40,500
SOME SORT OF HOBO?
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[ LAUGHING ]
PANTS!
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THE VERY IDEA.
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SO, HOW'S IT HANGIN'?
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WELL, YOU KNOW, PRETTY GOOD.
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UH, BEEN TRAVELING A LOT FOR MY
SON'S, UH, SOCCER --
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Dan Halen: NO!
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HOW IS IT HANGING?
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BELOW!
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ACTUALLY, UH, I DO FEEL
SOMETHING HARD HERE ON THE
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00:00:58,459 --> 00:00:59,584
DERMAL REGION.
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00:00:59,667 --> 00:01:01,083
Dan Halen: YOU MEAN THE SKIN?
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00:01:01,167 --> 00:01:03,542
YOU'RE NOT IMPRESSING ANYONE
HERE.
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00:01:03,626 --> 00:01:05,584
HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK DO YOU
ATTACH GLOW STICKS TO YOUR
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00:01:05,667 --> 00:01:06,584
BALLS?
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Dan Halen: I HAVEN'T RAVED
LIKE THAT IN YEARS.
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00:01:08,792 --> 00:01:10,083
HMM.
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IS THERE ANY OTHER WAY YOU MIGHT
HAVE EXPOSED YOUR CROTCH-SADDLE
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00:01:13,876 --> 00:01:17,334
TO INTENSE, PROLONGED RADIATION?
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[ MOTOR WHIRRING ]
Dan Halen: OL' TAINT NICK
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SAYS "TAINT THE SEASON TO BE
GETTING A HOLIDAY BONUS!"
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GET IT?
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BECAUSE I'M SENDING OUT PICTURES
OF MY TAINT!
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OH, MAN.
Dan Halen: BOOM!
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YOU GOT "TAINTED", GLENN!
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[ LAUGHING ]
CANCER.
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YEP.
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TERMINAL, INOPERABLE TAINT
CANCER.
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Dan Halen: WHY WASN'T THIS
CAUGHT EARLIER?
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WHAT DO I PAY ALL THESE NURSES
FOR?
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OH, THOSE ARE STRIPPERS...
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IN NURSES' OUTFITS.
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BECAUSE, UH, YOU DIDN'T LIKE THE
NURSES' LIPS.
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Dan Halen: THEY WEREN'T POUTY
ENOUGH!
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[ WIND BLOWING ]
SO MANY CONFLICTING EMOTIONS
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COURSING THROUGH ME RIGHT NOW.
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FURY...
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ANGER...
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FURY MIXED WITH ANGER --
FRANGER.
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00:02:00,584 --> 00:02:04,459
AND THEN, SUDDENLY, OUT OF
NOWHERE, I'LL GET FLASHES OF
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00:02:04,542 --> 00:02:05,459
HATRED AND RAGE!
Early: DAMN, DAN.
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ANY FOOL KNOWS TO PROTECT THEIR
TAINT!
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THAT'S YOUR DAMN WEAKEST SPOT,
HOSS!
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JUST DO LIKE I DO -- WALK LOW TO
THE GROUND.
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EARLY, DON'T --
Early: THEM SPLINTERS AND
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PEBBLES'LL TOUGH UP THAT SADDLE
SKIN.
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UH, WE'LL JUST PUT A THROW
RUG ON IT.
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Dan Halen: NO. WHO CARES?
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00:02:18,667 --> 00:02:22,000
IT'S JUST ONE MORE ROOM FULL OF
POINTLESS CRAP.
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YOU SON OF A COCK OF A WHORE
OF A CHAIR!
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Early: YEAH! YEAH!
LET ME THROW ONE!
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COME ON! LET ME HAVE IT!
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YEAH!
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[ WOMAN SCREAMING ]
NOW LET'S GET THIS HERE PIANO!
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00:02:32,417 --> 00:02:33,500
NO, WAIT!
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LOOK, THERE'S GOT TO BE A MORE
CONSTRUCTIVE WAY TO CHANNEL
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THESE EMOTIONS.
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[ PIANO CRASHING ]
YOU COULD USE ALL YOUR WEALTH TO
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MAYBE FIND A CURE.
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Dan Halen: YOU REALLY THINK I
COULD ERADICATE TAINT CANCER IN
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OUR LIFETIME?
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WELL...
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NOT YOUR LIFETIME.
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00:02:49,375 --> 00:02:53,667
Dan Halen: WHERE ARE YOU
GOING WITH THAT?
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Early: I AIN'T GOT NOTHING.
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YEAH, YOU DO.
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Early: NUH-UNH.
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I AIN'T GOT A DAMN THING.
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Dan Halen: YES, YOU DO!
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Early: AW, COME ON, NOW!
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YOU SAID THIS WAS ALL POINTLESS
CRAP.
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00:03:02,209 --> 00:03:04,876
BUT I GUESS, IF IT GIVES YOU
SOME KIND OF FLEETING JOY,
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00:03:04,959 --> 00:03:07,709
THEN -- [ GRUNTS ] -- HERE'S
YOUR DAMN MEASLY RHINO HEAD
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00:03:07,792 --> 00:03:08,375
BACK.
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TAKE IT!
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00:03:09,751 --> 00:03:10,876
Dan Halen: NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.
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00:03:10,959 --> 00:03:12,459
YOU'RE RIGHT.
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[ CRASHING ]
FROM NOW ON, I'M GIVING BACK TO
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00:03:15,959 --> 00:03:17,083
THE COMMUNITY.
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00:03:17,167 --> 00:03:22,459
[ CHILDREN SHOUTING, TALKING ]
HELLO, KIDS, I'M DAN HALEN, DEAN
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00:03:22,542 --> 00:03:25,209
OF THE SCREAMIN' TEEN TWEEN
SCREEN SCENE.
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WE ALL KNOW IT'S FUN TO LAY ON
OUR BACKS, TWERKING OUR TAINTS
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SPREAD EAGLE TOWARD THE SUN, BUT
I'M A LIVING EXAMPLE THAT SUCH
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CHOICES WILL COME BACK TO HAUNT
YOU.
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[ CROWD GASPS ]
Dan Halen: [ CHUCKLES ]
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HEY, LOOK, GANG!
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IT'S MY OLD FRIEND TOMMY TAINT!
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[ FEEDBACK ]
Sheriff: UH, MR. HALEN, I-I
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DON'T FEEL LIKE THIS IS --
Dan Halen: GET YOUR STYROFOAM
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ASS AND BALLS OUT HERE!
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Sheriff: UH, H-HEY, KIDS.
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I'M TOMMY TAINT.
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I'M THE SPACE BETWEEN YOUR, UH,
JINGALING AND YOUR HOO-HOO.
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[ FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING ]
NOW, HOLD UP.
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NOW DON'T RUN OFF.
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SURE, PRIVATE PARTS MAY BE A
LITTLE SCARY.
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BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S EVEN WORSE?
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CANCER.
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[ AIR HISSING ]
UH-OH.
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IT'S CODY CANCER.
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OH, NO.
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IT'S CODY CANCER.
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Dan Halen: GET OUT THERE AND
SHOW THEM WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL
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WITH.
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Early: WHAT I DO?
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Sheriff: DON'T WORRY, Y'ALL.
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SUNSCREEN'S LIKE A MAGIC FORCE
FIELD AGAINST CANCER.
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Early: AAH! MY DAMN EYES!
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Sheriff: HE CAN'T HURT ME AT
ALL.
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Early: YOU SON OF A BITCH!
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YOU ABOUT TO DIE!
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Sheriff: THIS IS NOT THE
MESSAGE WE'RE TRYING TO CONVEY
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HERE!
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Early: THAT'S THE BIG "C"
RIGHT THERE!
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Sheriff: OW!
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KIDS, ALWAYS REMEMBER -- CANCER
IS MEAN, SO SCREEN YOUR TWEEN!
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Early: THAT'S RIGHT.
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PROTECT YOUR TAINT...
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Sheriff: OW!
Early: ...BEFORE YOU CAN'T!
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Dan Halen: HEY, LOOK!
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IT'S THE DAN HALEN SCREAMIN'
TEEN TWEEN SCREEN MACHINE!
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LET'S ALL HEAD OUTSIDE TO HAVE A
STRANGER SCRUTINIZE THE FOLD
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00:04:53,709 --> 00:04:56,417
BETWEEN OUR NETHERS -- FOR FREE!
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00:04:56,500 --> 00:04:57,584
Sheriff: THAT'S RIGHT.
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00:04:57,667 --> 00:04:59,500
PUT THE DYE PACK BETWEEN YOUR
BUTT CHEEKS, JUST LIKE THIS.
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I'M SORRY.
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00:05:00,417 --> 00:05:02,542
WE CAN'T HAVE SECOND-GRADERS
DOING THIS.
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00:05:02,626 --> 00:05:05,834
Dan Halen: BUT EVERYONE GETS
A FREE TAINT CANCER AWARENESS
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00:05:05,918 --> 00:05:06,250
MAGNET.
COME ON, KIDS.
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00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:08,167
Dan Halen: IT'S FUN FOR THEM!
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IN A SHOW OF APPRECIATION FOR
ALL YOUR CHARITY TOWARDS FIXING
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00:05:11,542 --> 00:05:16,125
THAT DISEASE THAT YOU ARE THE
ONLY PERSON THAT HAS, I'M HERE
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00:05:16,209 --> 00:05:17,834
TO PRESENT YOU WITH --
Dan Halen: THANKS YOU FOR THE
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00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:18,918
CARDBOARD NOTHING TO NOTHING.
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FUCK THIS.
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I'M DONE WITH GIVING BACK TO THE
COMMUNITY.
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00:05:21,834 --> 00:05:22,709
THEY NEED TO BE GIVING BACK TO
ME!
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00:05:22,792 --> 00:05:26,792
[ ENGINE TURNS OVER ]
I'M THE ONE DYING HERE!
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00:05:26,876 --> 00:05:29,792
Sheriff: [ SIGHS ]
WHY IS THIS TAKING SO LONG?
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IS IT BECAUSE I GOT A BIG TAINT?
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[ LAUGHING ]
Dan Halen: I DON'T WANT TO
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DIE.
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00:05:37,250 --> 00:05:40,375
WELL, THE LORD NEVER SENDS
YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN HANDLE,
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00:05:40,459 --> 00:05:43,000
UNTIL, OF COURSE, THE ONE DAY
WHEN HE DOES.
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00:05:43,083 --> 00:05:44,292
HEH.
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00:05:44,375 --> 00:05:47,375
Dan Halen: ALL THIS MONEY,
AND I CAN'T BUY THE ONE THING I
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WANT -- TO LIVE FOREVER AND
NEVER DIE.
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00:05:50,834 --> 00:05:56,375
OH, BUT YOU CAN LIVE FOREVER,
FRIEND -- IN GOD'S HOUSE.
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00:05:56,459 --> 00:06:01,042
NOW RISE INTO A LIFE WITH
JEEESUS!
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00:06:01,125 --> 00:06:03,375
Dan Halen: DO YOU HAVE A DRY
BAPTISM PROCESS?
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00:06:03,459 --> 00:06:06,876
I HAVE A HIGHLY WATER-SOLUBLE
COLLECTION OF FRAGILE POST-WAR
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00:06:06,959 --> 00:06:08,083
HITLER MEMORABILIA?
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00:06:08,167 --> 00:06:11,375
UH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY
SAY -- YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH
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00:06:11,459 --> 00:06:12,083
YOU.
Dan Halen: WHY THE HELL NOT?
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00:06:13,125 --> 00:06:14,209
IT'S MY STUFF. I WANT IT!
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00:06:14,292 --> 00:06:17,959
THE ANCIENT PHARAOHS OF EGYPT
WANTED THEIR "STUFF," TOO.
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00:06:18,042 --> 00:06:21,626
OH, THEY BUILT GREAT PYRAMIDS
FULL OF TREASURES.
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00:06:21,709 --> 00:06:25,667
THOUSANDS DIED IN THEIR
VAINGLORIOUS FOLLY, AND --
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00:06:25,751 --> 00:06:27,709
MR. HALEN?
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00:06:27,792 --> 00:06:28,751
Dan Halen: FASTER!
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00:06:28,834 --> 00:06:30,125
OSIRIS DEMANDS IT!
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I'M TAKING IT WITH ME!
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00:06:31,834 --> 00:06:35,083
EVERY LAST BIT!
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Granny: [ GRUNTING ]
Dan Halen: SLAVE, THAT'S NOT
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00:06:37,792 --> 00:06:38,792
A BEAN BAG!
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00:06:38,876 --> 00:06:41,250
IT'S ONE OF ONLY THREE WHITE
TIGERS IN THE KNOWN WORLD!
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00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:44,417
IT GOES BACK UP THERE WITH THE
OTHER TWO!
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00:06:44,500 --> 00:06:47,000
[ FORKLIFT BEEPING, HORN HONKS ]
Early: WHERE'S THIS FORKLIFT
180
00:06:47,083 --> 00:06:48,083
GO?
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00:06:48,167 --> 00:06:49,751
Dan Halen: UH, THAT GOES OVER
WITH THE OTHER LOADING
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00:06:49,834 --> 00:06:50,417
EQUIPMENT.
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00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:51,751
Granny: WAIT! WAIT A MINUTE!
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00:06:51,834 --> 00:06:52,417
I COULD USE THAT!
185
00:06:52,500 --> 00:06:53,876
Sheriff: GO ON, NOW, GRANNY.
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00:06:53,959 --> 00:06:55,083
HYAH. HYAH.
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00:06:55,167 --> 00:06:55,959
Dan Halen: NO!
188
00:06:56,042 --> 00:06:57,626
YOU MUST WHIP THE CONFUSION OUT
OF HER!
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00:06:57,709 --> 00:07:01,626
Granny: OW! OW! SON OF A --
Sheriff: MR. HALEN, UH, NOT
190
00:07:01,709 --> 00:07:04,792
TO BE A BUZZKILL BUT ALL THIS
WHIPPING AND CHAINING, IT JUST
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00:07:04,876 --> 00:07:06,125
DON'T FEEL RIGHT.
192
00:07:06,209 --> 00:07:07,209
Dan Halen: FINE.
193
00:07:07,292 --> 00:07:10,459
DENY A DYING MAN THE
HISTORICALLY ACCURATE BURIAL HIS
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00:07:10,542 --> 00:07:12,918
RECENTLY ADOPTED RELIGION ASKS
FOR.
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00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:14,876
Sheriff: SHOOT. I'M SORRY.
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00:07:14,959 --> 00:07:16,626
I-I-I'M JUST SO INSENSITIVE.
197
00:07:16,709 --> 00:07:17,542
HYAH! HYAH!
Granny: AAH! AAH!
198
00:07:18,584 --> 00:07:19,709
Sheriff: COME ON, GRANNY.
199
00:07:19,792 --> 00:07:20,709
SCREAM FOR MR. HALEN.
200
00:07:20,792 --> 00:07:21,876
HIS FINAL WISH IS TO SEE YOU
SUFFER.
201
00:07:21,959 --> 00:07:25,459
Granny: IF YOU'RE GONNA WHIP
ME, AT LEAST AIM FOR MY ASS.
202
00:07:25,542 --> 00:07:26,250
OOH!
OH, THERE YOU GO!
203
00:07:26,709 --> 00:07:28,000
YEAH!
204
00:07:28,083 --> 00:07:29,083
Sheriff: HYAH!
205
00:07:29,167 --> 00:07:30,751
Granny: YEAH, YOU FOUND THE
SWEET SPO-- AAH! AHH!
206
00:07:30,834 --> 00:07:32,792
[ LAUGHS ]
OH!
207
00:07:32,876 --> 00:07:40,042
[ RUMBLING, WORKERS SCREAMING ]
Dan Halen: CALM DOWN,
208
00:07:40,125 --> 00:07:40,834
EVERYONE!
209
00:07:40,918 --> 00:07:41,959
CALM DOWN.
210
00:07:42,042 --> 00:07:43,083
THE PYRAMID IS SEALED NOW.
211
00:07:43,167 --> 00:07:46,626
THOSE OF YOU LOOKING FOR THE
EXITS, YOU CAN SIT DOWN AND
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00:07:46,709 --> 00:07:47,500
RELAX, BECAUSE THERE AREN'T ANY.
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00:07:47,584 --> 00:07:50,292
[ WORKERS GASP ]
Sheriff: AH, WELL, FIRE
214
00:07:50,375 --> 00:07:52,667
MARSHAL MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING TO
SAY ABOUT THAT, Y'ALL.
215
00:07:52,751 --> 00:07:53,709
Dan Halen: OH, NO, NO, NO.
216
00:07:53,792 --> 00:07:56,667
THERE'S NOT ENOUGH OXYGEN IN
HERE TO SUPPORT A FIRE.
217
00:07:56,751 --> 00:07:58,751
Granny: BUT DON'T WE NEED
THAT STUFF TO BREATHE AND STUFF?
218
00:07:58,834 --> 00:08:04,584
Dan Halen: YES, YOU WOULD
NEED "THAT STUFF" TO BREATHE, IF
219
00:08:04,667 --> 00:08:06,125
OUR AIM WAS TO LIVE.
220
00:08:06,209 --> 00:08:10,042
BUT, YOU SEE, YOU AND I WILL
TAKE A JOURNEY ACROSS THE RIVER
221
00:08:10,125 --> 00:08:14,834
ON A BOAT, WITH THE SUN GOD, RA.
222
00:08:14,918 --> 00:08:17,083
AND WE'RE GOING TO MEET A WOMAN
WITH A DOG FACE.
223
00:08:17,167 --> 00:08:20,250
AND THEY'RE GOING TO WEIGH OUR
HEARTS!
224
00:08:20,334 --> 00:08:21,709
Early: WHOO-HOO!
225
00:08:21,792 --> 00:08:23,209
WE GOING TO GATLINBURG, BABY!
226
00:08:23,292 --> 00:08:24,042
Granny: YAY! DOLLYWOOD!
227
00:08:24,125 --> 00:08:26,375
Early: THAT'S RIGHT! WHOO!
228
00:08:26,459 --> 00:08:28,709
Dan Halen: YOU ALL HAVE
DAN HALEN GIFT BAGS FOR THE
229
00:08:28,792 --> 00:08:29,876
AFTERLIFE.
230
00:08:29,959 --> 00:08:34,209
INSIDE THEM, YOU SHOULD FIND
JARS OF FOOD, TWEEZERS TO PICK
231
00:08:34,292 --> 00:08:37,834
YOUR BRAINS OUT THROUGH YOUR
NOSE, AND A BAG OF SAND TO
232
00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:39,083
INSERT INTO YOUR THROAT AND
NASAL CAVITIES.
233
00:08:39,167 --> 00:08:43,000
THEN JUST, YOU KNOW, CHILL OUT.
234
00:08:46,792 --> 00:08:48,918
Granny: SO, WE ARE GOING TO
GATLINBURG, RIGHT?
235
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:49,500
Early: YEAH.
236
00:08:49,584 --> 00:08:51,042
AS I UNDERSTAND IT, YES.
237
00:08:51,125 --> 00:08:52,250
Sheriff: [ GAGGING ]
LOOK! [ CHUCKLES ]
238
00:08:52,334 --> 00:08:58,876
HEY, Y'ALL, I GOT THE WHOLE
THING.
239
00:08:58,959 --> 00:09:02,792
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
[ BEEPS ]
240
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,834
Dan Halen: HELLO?
241
00:09:04,918 --> 00:09:06,250
SERIOUSLY?
242
00:09:06,334 --> 00:09:06,959
G-GIVE ME FIVE.
243
00:09:07,042 --> 00:09:10,125
OH, PRAISE OSIRIS!
244
00:09:10,209 --> 00:09:11,918
I MEAN, FUCK OSIRIS.
245
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,250
LET ME SEE.
246
00:09:13,334 --> 00:09:15,375
OH, SHE'S A BEAUT.
247
00:09:15,459 --> 00:09:17,667
IT'S A LITTLE WEATHERED --
IT'S SEEN BETTER DAYS -- BUT,
248
00:09:17,751 --> 00:09:18,417
HEY, BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.
249
00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:20,918
Dan Halen: WHERE'D YOU FIND
IT?
250
00:09:21,000 --> 00:09:22,083
OH, SHE WON'T KNOW.
251
00:09:22,167 --> 00:09:24,334
SHE'S FINE.
252
00:09:24,417 --> 00:09:25,834
Dan Halen: HA HA!
253
00:09:25,918 --> 00:09:29,000
THE CARD WILL READ "TAINT KEEP
A GOOD MAN DOWN."
254
00:09:29,083 --> 00:09:31,876
GATHER EVERYBODY SO THEY CAN ALL
SEE.
255
00:09:31,959 --> 00:09:32,751
OH...
256
00:09:32,834 --> 00:09:35,167
RIGHT.
257
00:09:35,250 --> 00:09:37,125
[ FLIES BUZZING ]
Early: GATLINBURG IS FUNNER
258
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:42,751
THAN HELL!
259
00:09:42,834 --> 00:09:43,918
THAT'S RIGHT!
260
00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:44,542
Granny: I LOVE GATLINBURG!
261
00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:45,626
Early: GATLINBURG'S FUN.
262
00:09:45,709 --> 00:09:48,667
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL THEM
IT'S NOT GATLINBURG?
263
00:09:48,751 --> 00:09:50,125
Sheriff: UH, THIS AIN'T EVEN
EARTH NO MORE, EARLY.
264
00:09:50,209 --> 00:09:51,250
WE'RE ON THE RIVER STYX.
265
00:09:51,334 --> 00:09:55,000
Granny: SO, THIS AIN'T THE
TEA CUP RIDE IN GATLINBURG?
266
00:09:55,083 --> 00:09:57,292
Early: ARE WE IN GATLINBURG,
OR WE, UH, GETTIN' NEAR
267
00:09:57,375 --> 00:09:57,792
GATLINBURG?
Sheriff: OH, HELL.
268
00:09:58,375 --> 00:09:59,417
WE'RE TAKING ON WATER.
269
00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:03,417
Granny: WELL, DON'T DRINK IT
UNLESS YOU WANT THE RUNS.
270
00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:05,834
AND DON'T SHAKE HIS HAND, 'CAUSE
THAT'S THE ONE THEY WIPE THEIR
271
00:10:05,918 --> 00:10:07,792
ASS WITH.
272
00:10:07,876 --> 00:10:08,459
WHO'S "THEY"?
273
00:10:08,542 --> 00:10:11,667
Granny: OH, Y-YOU KNOW...
274
00:10:11,751 --> 00:10:14,292
NOT TO BE RACIST, BUT --
YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
275
00:10:14,375 --> 00:10:16,334
RACISTS SAY WHEN THEY'RE ABOUT
TO BE RACIST.
276
00:10:16,417 --> 00:10:17,209
Granny: WELL, I...
277
00:10:17,292 --> 00:10:20,542
I JUST NEED TO FEEL SUPERIOR,
YOU KNOW?
20097
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