All language subtitles for The.Great.North.S02E04.DSNP.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-NTb.en[cc]

♪ Look up there ♪

♪ What do you see? ♪

♪ Nature and stuff ♪

-♪ Like a rock ♪
-♪ And a tree ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Way up here, you can breathe the air ♪

♪ Catch some fish ♪

♪ Or gaze at a bear ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh, the Great North ♪

♪ Here we live, oh, oh ♪

♪ Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪

♪ From longest night to longest day ♪

♪ In the Great North. ♪

(cheering)

HONEYBEE: So no one in this family

has ever bought shorts before?

Absolutely not. If you want shorts,

buy pants, wear 'em
till the knees give out,

and cut 'em off like a normal person.

Honestly, the entire shorts industry
should be shut down.

- Bunch of crooks.
-(phone rings)

You've reached
the cellular device of Beef,

owner of device speaking.

Mm-hmm.

Got it. Be right there.

Now, don't freak out,
but that was the hospital.

Delmer bonked his
head eating soup too fast.

He just slipped right out of his chair.

- Oh, no.
- Papa D.

Chairs are tricky.

I want that soup brought to justice.

They're releasing him,
but he can't drive himself.

I'm gonna go pick him up.

Aw, it's so nice/weird
that your dad is best friends

with a sweet 80-year-old man.

Their personalities are the same age.

Oh, yeah, Dad and Delmer
have always been super close.

Delmer's kids were grown and moved away,

and Dad's parents were
fun but absolutely bonkers.

And not always around.

So whenever he needed help...

- Or advice.
- Or someone to help him

with his homework
who knew the entire alphabet.

Grandpa was pretty good up to "Q,"

but after that he'd
just circle back to "A."

Dad would just go over to Uncle Delmer's.

He was his rock.

Everyone needs a rock.

Personally, my rock is The Rock.

Have you guys seen Skyscraper?

He humiliates that dumbass building.

BEEF:
Ding-dong.

Delmer's here.
And he might have a concussion.

You can't have this angel yet.

- You hear me?
- Who are these people?

Those hippies from the news?

(gasps)
He's got jimjam amnesia!

Ha-ha! Gotcha!
My brain works fine.

- Oh! (laughs)
- Good one, D.
- I was got.

But if I ever lose my wits like that,

flip me into the wood chipper, will you?

You have my word.

The doctor recommended we keep him up

for the next four hours
in case he has a concussion.

Four hours?
Oh, that's way past my bedtime.

I'm usually tucked in by 9:00 p.m.

Now, who has a good idea
of how to keep Delmer awake

- for 240 minutes?
- I could just bust out my pan flute and...

OTHERS:
No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no!

- Okay.
- I know.

We could tell some Delmer stories
to keep Delmer awake.

You know, like the ones
Dad used to tell us at bedtime.

Beef used to tell you stories about me?

Oh, yeah.
Dad would tell us bedtime stories

about the adventures you two had together.

They were very exciting.

Sometimes Dad would even have

to swaddle me after to calm me down.

Personally, my favorite was always the one

about the thing that fell from the sky.

Sure was.
Ham and Moon's, too.

It's got everything kids love:
aliens, pee, buffets...

Yep.
It all started 30-some years ago.

When a young Dad and Uncle Brian

were outside of this very house.

Being kissed by the cool night air.

- Beef! A shooting star!
- Hmm.

Wait a second.
Our Farmers' Almanac

didn't predict any meteor showers tonight.

But I guess nature can surprise you.

MOON:
The next morning, Delmer was at Maude's.

Everyone was bebop'ing to the jukebox,

the waitresses were all on roller skates,

and poodle skirts were poodlin'.

BEEF:
How old

- do you think I am?
- I'm describing the '80s.

That's the '50s.

You know what?
Never mind. Just keep going.

HAM: Delmer was waiting patiently
to order his usual breakfast--

black coffee and a hard-boiled egg
he brought from home--

when, to his surprise...

How surprising.
You're not my regular waitress.

Yeah, hon.
Moira's mysteriously gone missing.

My husband is also missing.

I emptied his bank account.
He would have wanted it that way.

HAM:
Meanwhile, unable to find their parents

when they woke that morning,

Dad and Uncle Brian
set off to find Delmer.

Delmer, we can't find Mom and Dad.

We've checked all their usual places--

the dumpster behind
the pretzel factory, jail--

- but nothing.
- So, what can I get you?

The check, please.

Time to go fishing... for the truth.

I thought he was gonna say for fish.

I don't suppose you think
Mom and Dad's disappearance

has anything to do with
that incredibly mysterious meteor

we saw last night that
crashed into the woods?

I do suppose.

Come on, boys, kita.

HAM:
So the three of them headed

to the secret government headquarters

in Delmer's dinosaur race car.

Dad added that part during

Moon's heavy dinosaur phase.

MOON:
Which is ongoing.

HAM:
And they raced off to the building.

(snores)

Wakey-wakey, don't die today-key.

Yep, I'm here.

JUDY:
Once inside, they headed to the one place

all government secrets are kept...

HAM:
The administrative office.

DELMER:
Hello. I'd like the form

that's used to figure out
where all the adults in town

- have gone, please.
- Mm-kay.

JUDY: But just then,
the administrator got an itchy nose.

But not on her human nose--
on her nonhuman nose.

So she took her head off, revealing...

MOON:
♪ Dun, dun, dun! ♪

-That she was an alien!
-(gasping)

Ah, crud.
Did I just take my head off

and reveal that I'm an alien?

Hold on.
I can't see through this thing.

Yep, you took it off.

So, listen, we're going to
put our human heads back on,

and then we can all just pretend
that none of this ever happened.

Okay? Everyone agree?
Let's pinkie promise.

(Beef screaming)

Let go of my brother!

(screams)

JUDY:
And now that they officially knew

that aliens had taken over the town,

they officially had to
check out that meteor.

So Dad led Delmer and Uncle Brian

to the spot where he
saw the glowing object land.

HAM: And that's when they
found the town's adults being force-fed

-from a massive buffet.
- JUDY: Because the aliens

had a plan that was
truly heinous from Uranus.

Bork. Bork-bork-bork.
Bork. Bork-bork-bork.

Bork-bork-bork.

Bork-bork-bork. Bork-bork-bork.

Bork-bork. Bork-bork. Bork.

Bork...

Oh, poop bomb.
That's scary.

I hope it doesn't go off.

Yeah, it used to be just a regular bomb,

but Dad added the poop
because poop really makes Judy laugh.

(laughs): It totally does.

Wait, Delmer, what's the Yupik word
for "poop" again?

-Anaq.
-(laughing)

See?
It's funny in any language.

Oh, man.
(chuckles)

Judy, may I go on?

Luckily, Delmer,
the smartest person we know,

happened to be fluent in Bork,

so he was able to decipher
what they were saying.

DELMER:
Oh, no! Countdown clock!

All the numbers are in Bork,
but trust me, it's counting down.

We've got Bork minutes to go.

BEEF:
Hey, buddy.

Just three hours to go till you can sleep.

That's right,
but the residents of Lone Moose

- didn't even have three hours.
- Because the aliens were planning

to bomb the poop out
of Lone Moose, Delmer,

Dad and Uncle Brian ran back
to Delmer's house to regroup.

MOON: That's when Delmer
decided to take a think-and-pee,

because he does
all his best thinking while peeing.

HAM: But then a cold breeze
blew in from the window

and gave him the wiener shivers,
causing him to jump.

And the alien tentacle
he had pocketed earlier fell out!

Pee hit the tentacle,
and it shriveled up and disappeared!

MOON:
And that's when Delmer realized

that the aliens might have loved poop,

but pee would kill them instantly!

JUDY:
It was time to show those aliens

why pee has always been number one.

HAM:
Thus began Operation Golden Powers.

MOON:
They drank all the liquids in the fridge

and filled the balloons with pee.

JUDY: The aliens
thought they had it all wrapped up

as they celebrated.

-But...
- Pee-pee-ki-yay, mother-Borkers!

Say hello to my yellow friend!

Pee you in hell!

HAM: They were really
a bunch of catchphrase kings.

(screams)

(groans)

JUDY: And then Delmer
figured out how to disarm the bomb.

Well, obviously it's the brown one.
For poop.

(laughs)

Poop.
Oh, God.

- Oh, yeah!
-(whoops)

HAM: Then he freed
all the adults, who all still

really had to poop.

So they started
pooping absolutely everywhere--

but with freedom
and a deep sense of gratitude to Delmer.

MOON: And Dad and Uncle Brian
found their parents

and took them home to poop in peace.

The end.

Or was it?

- It was.
- Fun story, kids.

I enjoyed the poop out of it.

-(yawns)
- Uh-oh.

(singsongy): Someone's looking sleepy.

But don't worry, D, I'm gonna tell you

my favorite Delmer story,

and it's gonna
knock your friggin' socks off!

Okay, but fair warning,
several of my toes are dead.

The story's about the time that Dad worked

at that summer camp you owned,
Camp Heck Yeah!

Oh, Heck Yeah!
Those were good times.

Sure, those seemed like good times,

but underneath the surface,
a terror lurked.

Ooh, are we doing a horror film
set at summer camp?

I'm very familiar with the genre.

I've seen them all.

Friday the 13th.
Cabin in the Woods.

Camp Scamps 2: Arnold's at It Again.

So I'll be able to jump in on the story.

Fade in... Exterior.
Camp Heck Yeah! Day.

The camp was a classic teen camp

right out of the actual '80s.

BEEF: It wasn't the '80s
when I worked there, guys.

- I'm not that old.
- Agree to disagree.

WOLF:
But like all summer sleepaway camps,

there was a pack of counselors
who only cared about being cool.

And the two dudes who cared the most

were Deppy and Lawler.

They were both out to impress
the hot girl counselor Kinberly.

And Duke was there, too.

Yeah, we hid the keg
Lawler got in the woods.

We're totally gonna party tonight.

Gonna get so twisted.

I'm gonna get twisted and scrambled.

How about you, Beef, You gonna get warped?

No.
I am not.

I plan to spend my free time
honing my survival skills.

Whatever, Beef.
Have fun surviving.

(laughter)

WOLF:
Then Delmer walked over to Dad

for what's called the "tickling the baby"
moment in the movie.

It's when the hero
does something cool early on

-to make you like them.
- Hey, Beef,

you got that friction
fire going nice and quick.

So why the frown?

It's just that I thought
all the other counselors here

would be serious, outdoor-minded people,

not a bunch of darn Silly Billies.

Okay, Beef, first,
let's watch our language.

Sorry, Delmer.
Just because I don't like to get warped

or fizzled or zip-zapped, I'm not cool?

(groans)
It's frustrating.

I know a lot of counselors here
are real Party Patricks,

and you're more
of a fellow friend of nature.

But I'm always happy to work
on survival skills with you, Beef.

- Aw, that'd be great.
- Well, first thing is my favorite knot.

Watch me.
That's a quick-release knot.

Now, how about some
advanced pocketknife skills?

One thing I like to do
is open all the little doodads on mine

- and use it as a throwing star.
-WOLF: Oh, and that's

one of those pieces of dialogue
you should pay attention to,

because it'll probably
come back around later.

Oop!
Look what time it is.

I think it's Rice Krispie Treat o'clock
down at the mess hall.

HONEYBEE:
Then there was one of those shots

where you see them
walking away together all nice,

but then some weird
ominous music starts to play like this:

(wavering tones):
♪ Ee, ee, ee, ee, ee, ee. ♪

And it's clear that
the nice part of the movie is over

and it's about to get creepy.

WOLF: That night the cool counselors
were partying in the woods.

(loud spitting)

Gross!

This beer tastes like spicy beans!

Oh, my God!
What the hell is all this chunky stuff

- on the side of the keg?
- I don't know.

I found the keg sitting in the sun

behind that abandoned chili restaurant

near the toxic waste
dump that's owned by that cult.

Oh, Chaz's Killer Chili.
Love that place.

Well, I'm definitely
never making out with you now.

Unless I'm super bored.

(scoffs)
Let's get out of here, Kinberly.

I've got some Swatch watches
in my cabin I want to show you.

Tubular. And I want
to talk about how much I love

the Berlin Wall.

Way to go, Lawler, you dingus.

- You blew it!
-WOLF: But that wasn't the end

of the skunky chili beer keg.
Oh, no.

Because one inquisitive
little ground squirrel came along

and decided to take a spicy bite.

And then-- oh, no!

The squirrel was trapped
in the toxic chili keg.

And that chili wasn't the only thing

that was about to be killer.

HONEYBEE:
This is when everyone in the theater

who has popcorn in their lap jumps,

and a little popcorn goes flying.

And they say, "Aw, dang, my popcorn!"

WOLF:
And that's what it's like to get

a drive-on on the lot,
according to the book

by the guys who wrote
Night at the Museum. Anyway,

the monster squirrel,
fueled by chili beer,

set its sights on the camp.

Hello?
Anyone there?

Deppy?

After all that chili talk,
I got a hankering.

Aah!

(chuckles nervously): Okay.

You got me.
Very funny.

HONEYBEE: As Lawler
walks to check the creaking door,

we switch to the killer's POV,

and we hear its heavy murderer breath.

-Like this...
-(deep, heavy breathing)

My chili!

-(screams)
-(screeches)

- No!
-WOLF: He plunged his giant squirrel teeth

-right into Lawler's neck!
- Aah!

Ripped his head off
and shook it around a little bit.

(babbles) Blood goes everywhere.

Splat, splip, sploop.

And now the monster killer squirrel
has a taste

for skunky beer, killer chili,
and the blood of hunky teens.

HONEYBEE:
But then it's a little later.

Enter Beef.
And he's all like, "Uh-oh,"

'cause there's no Lawler,

only his signature fanny pack
laying there all spooky.

- What the...?
- Let's get some eggs, throw 'em at birds.

They'll be like, "Whoa! Eggs!

Usually these come
out of my butt! No way!"

Guys, don't throw eggs.
It's wasteful.

Says the guy who threw
strawberry jelly everywhere.

- It's not jelly. It's blood.
- Gross!

Ugh!
Ever heard of a Band-Aid, bro?

Ugh. Listen, Lawler is missing,
which I've deduced

because his fanny pack
is lying here without him.

Let's wake Delmer.
He'll know what to do.

No way.
Delmer's old, and that sucks.

Let's go out on our own
with no adults at all.

HONEYBEE:
So they headed out into the woods.

Lawler, where are you?

We have your fanny pack, bro!

Lawler!
You left all your blood in the kitchen!

Quiet.
We don't know what's out here.

Oh, quiet like this?
(imitates fart)

Aah!

Oh, great.
Where did Kinberly go?

We were supposed to make out later.

BEEF:
Paw prints. We're being hunted.

Let's all go back-to-back
and stick together.

Or, better idea, let's split up.

Mm, definitely not.

And... split!

HONEYBEE:
And they split up,

just like dummies
always do in scary movies.

WOLF: Yeah.
So obviously the squirrel gets Duke,

because he wasn't a main character

and we need a death now
to keep the audience interested.

No!
I was going to open an ice cream shop!

It was going to be
called Duke's Scoops... Aah!

WOLF:
Then the squirrel stalks Deppy.

Lawler?
Where are you, bro?

Oh, no.
This isn't good.

-(screeches)
- Aah!

-(grunts)
-(snarls)

Thanks, Grandpa.

Sorry, I know that sounded sarcastic,

but that's just how I talk.

I'm genuinely grateful, old man.

- Beef!
- There's a monster out here.

- What should we do?
- Well, hmm.

How did a ground squirrel
mutate into a giant monster?

Could it have encountered
a toxic substance?

Uh, well, we did leave

a skunky killer chili
beer keg in the woods.

It's not a huge whoop.

It actually is a huge whoop.

Littering hurts everyone.

If it's chili that's made him,

it's only chili that can destroy him.

WOLF:
Delmer's plan was simple.

HONEYBEE: They would
make their own skunky chili beer

and use it as bait.

Hmm.
What am I missing?

This squirrel doesn't just
want to eat chili, it wants...

Pringles? Frosting?

Blood.

The bait was ready.

WOLF: Dad and Delmer
used their outdoor skills

to construct the perfect trap.

Now all they had to do was wait.

- Can I hold the rope?
- Are you just gonna pull on it

- and then make a big fart sound?
-(chuckles): Yeah.

Shh!

(screechy chittering)

DELMER:
Now, Beef!

Release the knot!

HONEYBEE: But the squirrel
didn't fall, and then he used

his super squirrel strength
to slap a tree over.

Oh, no!
There's a tree on me!

Boys, pull out your official
Camp Heck Yeah! pocketknives.

Oh, whoops, I put a candy bar in there.

WOLF:
So Dad was on his own!

-Things were about to get nuts!
-(screeches)

Ooh, babe, that could be the tagline
for your movie poster.

Oh, I'll just type it
in the notes app in my phone.

Things...

- were...
-(Delmer snoring)

- Guys, the story.
- Right!

Beef!
Throwing star.

Time to hurl this squirrel.

(screeches)

You just got Deppy'd!

- Deppy, you didn't do anything.
- See, Beef?

Everyone thought you weren't cool,

but you did the coolest thing of all--

save everybody's lives.

WOLF:
Then it freeze-frames on them high-fiving

in the air, and that was the end.

HONEYBEE:
Uh-oh.

Speaking of movies, we might need

to Weekend at Bernie's this bad boy.

- Ah.
- Oh, did I save the town again with pee?

Better.
With your brain pee: knowledge.

Hey, bud.
Just 30 minutes to go,

and then you can go to Sleep City.

Dad, do a story.

Okay, um...

Ooh, how about Delmer and the Sea Monster?

- Eh...
- Sure, if you want him
to fall asleep and die.

Yeah, that one is boring,
and if I remember correctly,

half that story is lists
of outdated maritime laws.

Uh, I think everyone
loves my maritime law talk.

Dad, I mean this with love and respect:

I absolutely hate your maritime law talk.

Maybe For Delmer's life's sake

you could at least let
the sea monster have a fun voice.

Maybe it...

(high-pitched) sounds like this.

I will consider it.

It all started at The Russian Restaurant.

I had just learned that my dear Kathleen

was pregnant with our first child.

I was terrified,
so Delmer and I decided to have

what we called a "rager."

Some lunch and a quiet day
of fishing and contemplations.

We were finishing up
our sandwiches when...

Whoops.
(chuckles)

Spilled some mustard on my shirt.

Look at me, Mr. Mustard over here.

I'll go to the bathroom
and clean this stain

with some cool water
because, as we all know,

- if you use warm water,
it actually sets it.
-JUDY: Dad!

You've been talking about mustard
for five minutes.

- Be exciting.
- Okay. Got it.

- So the mustard stain came out.
- Dad, no.

But more importantly,
there was a salty old sea captain

holding court in the pub.

And there she was,
clear as me hand before me now,

the Sea Monster of Lone Moose.

She was ten stories tall
if she were an inch,

with a long, spiky tail so sharp
it'd surely cut through you

like a hot knife through blubber!

MOON:
Okay,

this sounds like the 1880s.

Oh, please. I allowed you
your historical inaccuracies,

you can allow me mine.

So, putting no stock
in the sea monster yarn,

and with Delmer by my side,
I journeyed out

into uncharted waters.

Ship wreckage.

- Aah!
- Aah! Monster!

This is an active shipwreck site!

Your interference violates the following

eight maritime laws.
First...

- Dad!
- No!

Aah!

I'll ready the harpoon gun!

Say your prayers, water demon!

Beef, stop.
It's not trying to hurt us.

It's trying to get to its child.
Look over there.

It's just being protective,
like I was of my kids,

and like you will be when you're a parent.

Gooblah. Gerblaw.

MOON: No, like this.

(high-pitched): Gooblah. Gerblaw.

Oh. The mom is upset
because it's separated from its baby.

That's not its mom.

That's its dad.
Look below deck.

Oh, yeah.
Wow, that's a weird penis.

Beef, we don't need
to kill the sea monster.

We just need to get it back together
with its baby.

This sea monster is all this baby has,
just like you'll be

all your baby has.

Me?
What about Kathleen?

Eh.
Don't get me wrong, Beef,

she made for a great
Wine Cooler Queen of Ketchikan,

but she's just not
a Reliable Ricky like you.

I've known you your whole life.
You're going to be a great dad.

(gasping)

This is a great talk, Delmer,

- but I should probably
steer the boat out of the way.
- Yup.

-(cheering)
-BEEF: And the dad

and the baby sea monster
were reunited, and...

Dad, this is very touching,
but look at Delmer.

Uh, three more minutes.
Then there was lightning!

And thunder!
And thunder sounds!

Thunder sounds!

Oh, my!
Thunder sounds?

-(thunder crashing)
- The engine cut out! We're stuck!

(both scream)

DELMER:
The boat's on fire!

Shall we prepare to die?

Couldn't hurt.

BEEF: But suddenly the boat
started to move out of the storm

and towards the shore.

- Gerblaw!
-And in the end,

because we had helped the dad,
he helped us.

Just a couple of dads helping dads.

Isn't that right, Delmer?

(snoring)

- Delms!
- Don't worry,

we're past the four-hour mark.

- We did it.
- Look at him all peaceful,
catching some Zs.

Or should I say catching some Ds?

-'Cause he's Delmer.
- Wolf, no...

Don't say "catching some Ds."

DELMER:
Hey, Beef, thanks for telling me

those nice stories
to keep me up last night.

Yeah, it was interesting
to revisit the memories

of what those stories were based on.

Like when me and Brian
came to live with you for a while

because our parents
joined that space cult.

What a couple of knuckleheads.

And when I worked at your summer camp

because my parents were "unavailable"

due to their involvement in the conspiracy

to poison the mayor.

And when Kathleen got pregnant,
you did take me out fishing.

You were pretty nervous.

But you calmed me down.

Delmer, you were my parent
when I needed one.

And for that, I will always be thankful.

Well, Beef, my boy,

I love...
(snoring)

(clicking)

(continues snoring)

-(farts)
- Dear Lord, Delmer.

(chuckles)
Gotcha again.

♪ Bork is the word,
it's a noun, it's a verb ♪

♪ It means every single thing ♪

♪ Tulips, turnips and turds ♪

♪ Bork is the word, sister,
have you heard? ♪

♪ There's nothing that it doesn't mean ♪

♪ Now Bork me as I swerve ♪

♪ Bork, Bork, Bork,
Ba-Bork, Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork ♪

♪ Bork, Bork, Bork,
Ba-Bork, Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork ♪

♪ Bork, Bork, Bork,
Ba-Bork, Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork ♪

♪ Ba-Bork, Ba-Bork,
Ba-Bork, Ba-Bork, Bork, Bork ♪

♪ A Bork is a cork, a fork is a Bork ♪

♪ When you have a little Borkie ♪

♪ It's brought by the stork ♪

♪ Bork is the word ♪

♪ A noun and a verb ♪

♪ It means every single thing,
now Bork me ♪

♪ While I swerve! Bork! ♪

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH