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[ radio static ]
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♪ [ techno music ] ♪
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♪ my dreams are all
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Dead and buried ♪
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♪ sometimes I wish the sun
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Would just explode ♪
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♪ when god comes and calls me
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To his kingdom ♪
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♪ I'll take all you
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Sons of bitches when I go ♪
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♪ [ yodeling ] ♪
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>> rusty: my turn!
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>> early: hell no.
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>> man, lemme drive that thing!
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>> do not touch the trim!
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>> well, it was good while it
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Lasted, I guess.
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>> but sheriff!
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The gloryhole is the pride
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And joy of dougal county!
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>> fella found an even older
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Glory hole two towns over.
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Lord knows I ain't looking
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Forward to telling the tourism
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Board about this.
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>> such an elegant concept.
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A simple, lowly hole to
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Commemorate his glory.
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>> well, his name could've
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Come up once or twice there.
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Well, looky here.
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>> they're gonna throw a super
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Gay throwdown here in town.
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>> super gay throwdown...
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What's the meaning of this?
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>> did somebody say they's
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About to throw down?
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Dammit, did they throw down
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Already?
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Tell me they ain't already
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Throwed down!
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>> yeah, its not that kind of
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Throwdown, early.
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We're talkin' about some real
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Sick stuff here.
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Man-on-man hairy baby bdsm.
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Bottoms acting like tops.
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Tops acting like bottoms.
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Its just the whole world gone
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Topsy-turvy.
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>> we must act now to turn back
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The tide of homosexuality!
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>> now now, reverend,
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They got their constitutional
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Right to get their freak on.
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Kinda like your hate march
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Every may, you know?
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>> oh, well a, maybe we can do
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The hate march now, heh,
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And run 'em out?
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>> oh, that's a traditional
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Springtime festivity, reverend.
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All them bloody mannequins
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Against the yellow poplars?
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Mmmwah.
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>> well, something has to be
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Done.
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We can't stand by and let
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People do things we don't
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Approve of.
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>> hell, let 'em go on back to
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France where they was born.
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>> oh now believe me men,
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I'm as sick about this
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As y'all are.
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It's gonna take everything
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I got just to keep my vomit down
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While I work out this overflow
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Parking situation.
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>> they can drive cars now?
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Oh hell!
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They'll spread like a virus!
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I voted no on prop 14!
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>> yeah well, that had nothing
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To do with gay people getting
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Drivers licenses.
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>> well, what's the one about
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Sterilizing gay people so they
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Don't have no more gay people?
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>> well, that was the one that
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Doesn't exist, early.
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Don't give me trouble, now,
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And I'll look the other way on
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That meth lab you're running.
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>> what?
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Meth?
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That's "Professor cuyler's
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Liquid miracle wake-up
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Clarificational get thin
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And steal stereo equipment
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Stay up for four days and lose
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Your teeth juice-tonic."
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That there is a registered
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Trademark, so don't get
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No damn funny idears.
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Now this here protectifyin'
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Layer is gonna protect us
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In case any of them sodomalizers
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Break in here and try to have
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A sax on us.
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You know, try to change us into
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One of them.
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>> I, I always thought they was
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Born that way..
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>> no, no.
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It's a choice.
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It's a gene. They all got it.
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They willingly choose to be
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Disgustiner than hell.
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>> so you think there's
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A realistic possibility
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Of some man on man in here?
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>> hell yes.
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Cause I don't know if them
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Barriers is gonna hold.
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Them ol' boys work out
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All the time.
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[ footsteps approach ]
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It's a gay! On the porch!
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Ssh. Hide.
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>> hey y'all.
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>> damn barricades!
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We been breached!
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>> well that's funny.
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I was just coming up here
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To barricade you guys in.
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I'd hate to see you get,
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You know, mixed up in any ugly
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Hate crimes downtown.
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>> what the hell, sheriff?
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Daddy says you ain't doing
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Nothing to stop this gay
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Throwdown.
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>> rusty, you really think
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A rock-solid man's man like me
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Would let the gays take over?
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[ laughs ]
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Son, this is a sting operation,
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Plain and simple.
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I'm gonna smoke 'em out
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And lock 'em up.
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>> oohh, in some kind of
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Bondage scenario that maybe
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I could link to on a webcam?
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>> well why you so concerned,
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If you don't mind me asking,
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Granny?
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You wouldn't be homo-positive
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Yourself, now would you?
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>> no.
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>> damn, granny's a gayfer!
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>> I ain't gay!
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>> all these years usin'
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Granpappy as a beard.
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Shame on you and your
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Disgustedness!
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>> I had babies!
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>> what were you listening to
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When you conceived them babies,
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The indigo girls?
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[ laughter ]
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>> up here!
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You know you all right,
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Sheriff!
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A straight shooter!
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You hate what you fear
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And you fear what you don't
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Understand.
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Hell, the way it oughta be!
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>> that's right.
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I'm gonna get them gays
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In my hands and I'm gonna...
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I'm gonna work em over.
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Mmmmm-hmmm.
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Lock 'em up.
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>> well jail is the place
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For 'em.
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Yes sir.
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Gays...
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In the prison...
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>> uh, would it be alright
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If we didn't have that date
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Tonight, c-man?
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I'm a little headachy from that
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Wine what we brewed in
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The toilet.
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>> ooh, looks...
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Looks like you dropped your soap
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Way over here, c-man.
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Lemme just, uh, get that for ya.
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No, wait a minute!
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>> it's c-man's ass,
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That's who...
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>> hey daddy! Daddy!
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>> [ screams ]
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I just want one damn shower
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Without the touchy touch!
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[ nervous laughter ]
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I was just kidding.
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>> ow! Damn!
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Why'd you do that daddy?
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>> cause I'm a man!!
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>> yeah, well early, this sting
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Operation could get hairy.
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Really hairy.
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That's why I got the brazilian
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Here, you know.
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Come on, lil!
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Let's go.
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>> hang on!
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I gotta put some base makeup
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On my g-warts!
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>> gotta ask ya, sheriff,
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What you want with that bitch?
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>> yeah, you ain't gotta buy
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The cow, milk's free back there.
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>> what?
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Rusty, I've always fancied
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Your aunt, but--
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>> granny! Wheres my rubbers at?
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>> just quite never the right
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Time for me to take her
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Courtin', you know?
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>> courtin'?
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>> come on, lil!
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We've got to go!
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It's already started!
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>> can't we just knock this out
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Here?
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>> here, put 'em on in the car.
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Let's go.
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♪ [ techno music plays ] ♪
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>> let the lord be your top.
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Let him fill your heart with
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The gayness that is his love.
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There's nothing queer about
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Loving jesus.
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>> you know how this works.
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You keep the beer
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And the smokes coming.
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We'll go out to your car around
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Nine, do what we do,
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And you get me home in time
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For
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>> hmm. Nobody's here yet.
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Eh, its early, though.
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Hope the word got out.
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>> look at that virgin.
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>> yeah...
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What a freak.
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>> hey! Momma's boy!
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[ laughing ]
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>> I'll bet he's their ring
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Leader.
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The main...Gay.
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I better keep a pretty close
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Eye on him.
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>> hey! Where you goin'?
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>> officer in pursuit.
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>> don't you stick me
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With this tab!
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>> welcome to our town,
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Stranger.
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[ moaning ]
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>> sheriff, what are you doing?
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>> sshh!
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Don't blow my cover.
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If this sting's going to work...
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[ moans ]
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I need to walk this
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Disgusting walk of theirs.
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>> he's undercover rusty.
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It's ok to watch.
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[ moaning ]
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>> yeah.
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>> oh, he's got 'em
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Fooled alright.
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>> okay, uh...
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I think they mustaches are
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00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,014
Uh...Tangled.
291
00:07:42,016 --> 00:07:43,014
>> you're under arrest!
292
00:07:43,016 --> 00:07:44,014
>> there we go!
293
00:07:44,016 --> 00:07:45,014
>> for entrapment...
294
00:07:45,016 --> 00:07:46,014
>> take him down!
295
00:07:46,016 --> 00:07:47,014
>> of my heart.
296
00:07:47,016 --> 00:07:48,014
>> what?!
297
00:07:48,016 --> 00:07:49,014
>> you have the right to remain
298
00:07:49,016 --> 00:07:50,014
Handsome.
299
00:07:50,016 --> 00:07:51,014
Any thing you say can and will
300
00:07:51,016 --> 00:07:52,022
Be used in a greeting card on
301
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,007
The date of our anniversary.
302
00:07:54,009 --> 00:07:55,012
>> no. Nooo!
303
00:07:55,014 --> 00:07:56,012
Reverend get in here and get
304
00:07:56,014 --> 00:07:57,012
That gay demon out of him before
305
00:07:57,014 --> 00:07:58,020
He yanks him down to the depths
306
00:07:58,022 --> 00:08:00,005
Of the deepest hell!
307
00:08:00,007 --> 00:08:02,015
>> oh, queer demon of gayness.
308
00:08:02,017 --> 00:08:04,014
Show thineself!
309
00:08:04,016 --> 00:08:05,014
>> yeah, come on out, you
310
00:08:05,016 --> 00:08:07,005
Sulfate-free cabernet-drinkin'
311
00:08:07,007 --> 00:08:08,005
Doily weaver!
312
00:08:08,007 --> 00:08:09,014
>> I command you to leave this
313
00:08:09,016 --> 00:08:11,021
Upstanding officer of the law,
314
00:08:11,023 --> 00:08:13,009
Thus allowing him to lead
315
00:08:13,011 --> 00:08:15,006
The life of a normal,
316
00:08:15,008 --> 00:08:16,010
Missionary-position assuming,
317
00:08:16,012 --> 00:08:17,014
God-fearing, non-sinning,
318
00:08:17,016 --> 00:08:19,020
Heterosexual breeder.
319
00:08:19,022 --> 00:08:21,013
Come out!
320
00:08:21,015 --> 00:08:22,013
Come out!!
321
00:08:22,015 --> 00:08:24,010
>> reverend, this is 2009.
322
00:08:24,012 --> 00:08:31,004
Give it a rest.
323
00:08:31,006 --> 00:08:32,010
>> please girl, you think I
324
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,020
Like living in this guy?
325
00:08:33,022 --> 00:08:34,020
I mean the way he keeps me
326
00:08:34,022 --> 00:08:35,021
Packed down inside?
327
00:08:35,023 --> 00:08:37,002
It's a trauma.
328
00:08:37,004 --> 00:08:38,009
It takes five beers before
329
00:08:38,011 --> 00:08:39,011
The man'll even think about
330
00:08:39,013 --> 00:08:41,023
Acknowledging me.
331
00:08:42,001 --> 00:08:42,023
>> there he is, maude.
332
00:08:43,001 --> 00:08:43,023
>> todd, what's going on?
333
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:44,023
One day you say you're going
334
00:08:45,001 --> 00:08:45,023
To the fourth ring of hell
335
00:08:46,001 --> 00:08:46,023
To play kickball
336
00:08:47,001 --> 00:08:47,023
With john wilkes booth's soul
337
00:08:48,001 --> 00:08:48,023
And that's the last
338
00:08:49,001 --> 00:08:50,013
We hear from you.
339
00:08:50,015 --> 00:08:52,020
>> mom, dad...
340
00:08:52,022 --> 00:08:55,003
I'm, um...
341
00:08:55,005 --> 00:08:56,015
I'm gay!!
342
00:08:56,017 --> 00:08:58,010
>> uh, yeah son, we know.
343
00:08:58,012 --> 00:08:59,010
>> honey.
344
00:08:59,012 --> 00:09:00,012
The rainbow flag stickers on
345
00:09:00,014 --> 00:09:02,011
Your miata, the tight t-shirts,
346
00:09:02,013 --> 00:09:03,012
The carbo-loading,
347
00:09:03,014 --> 00:09:04,012
The deep dish cds.
348
00:09:04,014 --> 00:09:05,012
Your boyfriend that lives at
349
00:09:05,014 --> 00:09:06,012
The house who sleeps in the
350
00:09:06,014 --> 00:09:08,007
Same twin bed with you.
351
00:09:08,009 --> 00:09:09,007
>> whoa, hey.
352
00:09:09,009 --> 00:09:10,007
I'm just a foreign exchange
353
00:09:10,009 --> 00:09:12,012
Student from germany.
354
00:09:12,014 --> 00:09:13,012
>> oh, jesus.
355
00:09:13,014 --> 00:09:14,012
>> alright, fine.
356
00:09:14,014 --> 00:09:15,012
Todd and I are lovers.
357
00:09:15,014 --> 00:09:16,021
>> in the name of jesus
358
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:19,021
I command you to leave this man
359
00:09:19,023 --> 00:09:22,010
And return to the fiery depths
360
00:09:22,012 --> 00:09:24,014
Of san francisco!
361
00:09:24,016 --> 00:09:27,007
>> okay, fine.
362
00:09:27,009 --> 00:09:28,012
>> that's okay, champ.
363
00:09:28,014 --> 00:09:29,012
Your old man was gay
364
00:09:29,014 --> 00:09:31,002
When he was your age, too.
365
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:32,003
>> you were?
366
00:09:32,005 --> 00:09:33,003
>> you bet.
367
00:09:33,005 --> 00:09:34,012
But thanks to electro shock
368
00:09:34,014 --> 00:09:36,003
Therapy, I'm as straight
369
00:09:36,005 --> 00:09:37,017
As the erection I currently have
370
00:09:37,019 --> 00:09:39,015
For your mother.
371
00:09:39,017 --> 00:09:40,015
Now come on gang.
372
00:09:40,017 --> 00:09:41,013
Let's all go home to hell
373
00:09:41,015 --> 00:09:43,004
And have group sex to show
374
00:09:43,006 --> 00:09:47,017
How much we love each other.
375
00:09:47,019 --> 00:09:50,001
>> well, my work here is done.
376
00:09:50,003 --> 00:09:51,001
>> whoo!
377
00:09:51,003 --> 00:09:52,015
Sheriff you ain't gay no more!
378
00:09:52,017 --> 00:09:54,017
Back in line with christ.
379
00:09:54,019 --> 00:09:56,012
>> I don't know what all that
380
00:09:56,014 --> 00:09:58,012
Was about, rusty, but...
381
00:09:58,014 --> 00:10:00,013
Uh, with-what I do know is
382
00:10:00,015 --> 00:10:02,004
That...Uh..Uh..
383
00:10:02,006 --> 00:10:03,012
>> roger.
384
00:10:03,014 --> 00:10:04,013
>> roger and I are gonna move
385
00:10:04,015 --> 00:10:06,016
To stamford, connecticut.
386
00:10:06,018 --> 00:10:08,017
>> oh, god they're yankees now!
387
00:10:08,019 --> 00:10:09,022
>> no, it-it's just that
388
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,012
It's legal for people like us
389
00:10:11,014 --> 00:10:16,013
To drive cars there.
390
00:10:16,015 --> 00:10:17,014
>> you okay, daddy?
391
00:10:17,016 --> 00:10:18,020
>> yes, rusty.
392
00:10:18,022 --> 00:10:19,020
I'm at a good place on this
393
00:10:19,022 --> 00:10:21,015
Whole situation.
394
00:10:21,017 --> 00:10:22,023
While I may not understand
395
00:10:23,001 --> 00:10:25,016
Or approve of or accept
396
00:10:25,018 --> 00:10:27,004
The disgusting lifestyle choice
397
00:10:27,006 --> 00:10:28,013
The sheriff has made,
398
00:10:28,015 --> 00:10:30,015
He's moved away now.
399
00:10:30,017 --> 00:10:31,016
Far away from me.
400
00:10:31,018 --> 00:10:32,016
And I've gotten to where
401
00:10:32,018 --> 00:10:34,017
I don't even think about it.
402
00:10:34,019 --> 00:10:35,017
>> how 'bout this one now?
403
00:10:35,019 --> 00:10:36,017
>> are you outta your mind?
404
00:10:36,019 --> 00:10:37,017
Next row.
405
00:10:37,019 --> 00:10:38,018
Get that gimpy feller.
406
00:10:38,020 --> 00:10:39,018
>> what? This one?
407
00:10:39,020 --> 00:10:40,015
>> yeah, I can handle him.
408
00:10:40,017 --> 00:10:41,015
Just gotta do a little vettin'
409
00:10:41,017 --> 00:10:43,017
Here.
410
00:10:43,019 --> 00:10:44,021
>> let's see, here...
411
00:10:44,023 --> 00:10:46,023
Sexual preference?
412
00:10:47,001 --> 00:10:47,023
>> I like women.
413
00:10:48,001 --> 00:10:51,011
>> cut him down, son!
414
00:10:51,013 --> 00:10:52,015
>> whoo!
415
00:10:52,017 --> 00:10:53,019
Dougal county got a brand-new
416
00:10:53,021 --> 00:10:56,013
Sheriff!
417
00:10:56,015 --> 00:10:58,014
Captions provided
418
00:10:58,016 --> 00:11:00,018
By turner studios.
25616
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