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[ radio static ]
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♪ my dreams are all
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Dead and buried ♪
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♪ sometimes I wish the sun
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Would just explode ♪
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♪ when god comes and calls me
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To his kingdom ♪
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♪ I'll take all you
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Sons of bitches when I go ♪
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♪ [ yodeling ] ♪
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>> rusty: my turn!
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>> early: hell no.
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>> man, lemme drive that thing!
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>> do not touch the trim!
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>> breaker, breaker horn-dog.
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Anybody got their ears on?
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Yoo-hoo!
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Don't be shy, boys.
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I'm freakier than a lot lizard
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And I like to show my boobs,
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Over.
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>> who's that breaker out there?
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>> this is loose lucy
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Lookin' for a rag chew
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With a sexy trucker man.
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>> that's 10-4 lucy,
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This is papa dog,
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'bout to pick me up a holy
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Assload of pine cones, over.
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>> how 'bout you drop off
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A load while you're here.
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Run a little convoy down
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Below the beltway?
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All access roads are wide open
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And the scales are off honey.
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>> 10-4, 10-4 lucy please.
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I get that ya want the sex.
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What say I make a dirty detour
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And we hit you up on the flip
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Flop 'hind the amber alert sign
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South of 4-4-1, you copy me?
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>> that's a 10-4
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On that one fat buddy!
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Get on down here and stop
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Waitin!
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>> you bet I got beaver fever
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Bringin you a wire bender
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And some of them heavy duty
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Shop towels.
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I 'spect we'll be-- uh oh!
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>> papa dog?
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>> who put a goddamn--
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>> papa dog?
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>> shoulda strapped down
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The load--
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>> steer into that skid?
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>> ah!
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[ loud crash ]
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>> papa dog, no!
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[ static ]
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Aww.
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I had that fish on the hook.
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>> granny, I gotta say.
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It's awkward seeing ya set up
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Dates like this.
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>> I'm gonna get laid
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If it kills me.
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>> you ever think about
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Meeting someone at church or
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Internet date or something?
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>> ooh.
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Like that site where they put
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Them fire poppers up your
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Buttholes?
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Now that's a good one.
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>> no, not that specific site.
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>> but why?
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That's how I met your
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Great-grandpappy.
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>> dammit, woman!
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>> oh!
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He loves him a good butthole!
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>> I told you not never ever
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Not no damn don't never
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Verbulate that man's name in
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This house again!
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>> uh, I don't think she
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Said his name.
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>> some of us were a little
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Too busy banging to exchange
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Business cards.
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>> and don't you go facebook
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Him on the ibox neither.
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Sheriff says you raised some
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Damn hell down at the library.
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>> yeah, you know I did.
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You go strong or you don't go
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At all.
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>> and also, don't y'all
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Never not never shoot at no gas
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Cans in the house unless y'all
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In a un ventimilated area.
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>> close the windows.
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>> I'm sorry daddy.
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>> woo!
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[ inhales deeply ]
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Ohhhh.
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>> yeah, there it goes.
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>> come on, son.
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Breathe in.
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Come on boy.
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That's it.
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This is as close as you're ever
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Going to get to a damn birthday
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Party.
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Mmm, happy birthday!
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>> oooh!
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This is just how your great
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Grandpappy used to get off.
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But back in those days
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All we had was horse farts.
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Oh those were happy,
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Happy times!
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We was all slaves back then,
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Of course.
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And I, well I was the happiest
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Slave of the bunch!
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We slaves used to have happy
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Contests just to see how happy
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We could be.
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The prize was a kiss
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From rhett butler!
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>> oh mr. Butler!
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Oh, you're so forward!
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Put one of them hands on my ass
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And the other one around under
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My ear.
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Now lick clockwise.
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Oh mr. Butler!
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I'm not used to this!
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Yeah, he had a reputation
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For sexin up the slaves,
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And that made the slaves
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Even happier.
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>> wow, so rhett butler's
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My granddaddy?
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Well, no wonder I got that
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Smooth-talkin' way with
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The ladies like rico suave.
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Right, granny?
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>> oh he ain't your
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Grandpappy.
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I gave him a handy
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By the cotton gin.
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>> oh.
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>> he must have been real
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Impressed though.
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Cause all he kept saying was
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How he couldn't believe
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He did that with me.
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♪ oh, the peanut plants high
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As a kick mule's eye ♪
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♪ homemade pataters in
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Hushpuppy pies! ♪
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♪ give me them old time
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♪ gold time,
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I said the slaving days! ♪
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Watch it now.
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Coming out at ya.
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Taking her back,
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Taking her back.
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Spread the sand,
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Spread the sand.
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Kick it back, kick it back.
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>> so wait a minute now.
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You, you telling me,
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You was a slave, now?
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>> uh-huh.
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>> a happy slave?
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>> I was the happiest slave.
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Glory days.
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You betcha.
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>> now granted I've only
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Been home schooled, but wasn't
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There something in those days
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Having to do with a --
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Racialistic injustery?
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>> a racialistic
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Whatzacallz?
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>> you know like when one race
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Kinda gets the upper hand
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On the other one, and kinda
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Runs with it for a few years
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And everything?
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>> not that I can recall.
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♪ [ scatting ] ♪
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>> guess I was thinking
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About canada, huh?
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>> there ya go.
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Canada.
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>> there was a big black
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Fella I recall.
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>> woman, don't you dare
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Reveal our family secrets!
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>> hush, boy!
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The story must be told!
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I was havin' one of my rare
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Off days in the slave fields.
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>> oh, somedays I just feel like
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Packing up and quitting
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The slaving life for good.
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>> mondays, right?
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I said mondays right?
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>> go easy, go easy now!
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Ah! Damnit!
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>> we all get the blahs.
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Some days I can't even imagine
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Having to crack this whip
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Across your bleeding back and
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Everything, it just seems like
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Oh please don't make me go
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Through that.
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But come on lets buck up it's
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Almost the weekend isn't it?
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>> I don't know...
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>> and then you'll pull
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A double!
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Pick the cotton faster!
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>> then I saw him.
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Dr. Julius erving!
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>> my great grandpappy
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Was a doctor?
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>> dr. J, they called him.
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>> but he ain't uh,
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He wasn't no medical doctor
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Or nothing?
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>> you gonna pick apart
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My whole story?
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That man was a wizard
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In the paint.
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>> alright, I'll take it.
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Hell yeah.
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Dr. J is my grandpappy?
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No wonder I got the skills
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To pay the bills!
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Now check out this dunk!
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>> no, no I give him a
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Handy jammer and he disappeared.
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Something about playoffs
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And needing to focus
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And it's been fun.
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>> hey, y'all seen them stickers
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What look like bullet holes?
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>> that doesn't have any
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Real relevance in this --
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>> yeah, I'm gonna get me
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Some of them.
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And I'm gonna stick the
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Sumbitches on the back of my
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Truck boat truck, you know?
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Make it look like I got into
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Some kinda badass gun battle
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Or what have you.
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Runnin from the law.
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Yeah.
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So I'm gonna go do that.
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[ door opens, closes ]
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>> your great great great
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Grandaddy liked his decals
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And banners.
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Woo! He'd put em up on water
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Fountains, and bathrooms,
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And buses.
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Oh, a world-class organizer,
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That one was.
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>> so that was my
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Great-grandpappy?
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>> I know.
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That's what I was just
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Talking about.
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>> oh, I'll tell you about
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Your great great granddaddy,
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Rusty.
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He was a fat, stupid, thieving,
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Hairy-as-crap butt grabber
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Who wrote rubber checks
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To prostitutes.
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[ coughs ]
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>> and guess who got his eyes!
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>> I miss my pee paw!
291
00:07:40,011 --> 00:07:44,007
[ vehicle approaches ]
292
00:07:44,009 --> 00:07:48,017
>> [ breathing heavily ]
293
00:07:48,019 --> 00:07:49,017
Damn.
294
00:07:49,019 --> 00:07:51,020
Them stickers was...
295
00:07:51,022 --> 00:07:53,012
Too expensive!
296
00:07:53,014 --> 00:07:54,012
There ya go.
297
00:07:54,014 --> 00:07:58,002
Ain't cost no $4.95 neither!
298
00:07:58,004 --> 00:08:00,011
They look almost real.
299
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:01,011
Anyway...
300
00:08:01,013 --> 00:08:02,020
Go ahead continue your tale.
301
00:08:02,022 --> 00:08:04,008
>> I'm finished.
302
00:08:04,010 --> 00:08:05,008
>> wait, who's my great
303
00:08:05,010 --> 00:08:06,012
Grandaddy?
304
00:08:06,014 --> 00:08:08,001
>> oh, that.
305
00:08:08,003 --> 00:08:09,009
Right.
306
00:08:09,011 --> 00:08:13,010
It was a dark scary night.
307
00:08:13,012 --> 00:08:15,021
I was out creepin'
308
00:08:15,023 --> 00:08:17,014
In the graveyard
309
00:08:17,016 --> 00:08:21,012
With my old corpsin' shovel.
310
00:08:21,014 --> 00:08:23,007
Forgive me jesus,
311
00:08:23,009 --> 00:08:25,012
For I have dug up enough pieces
312
00:08:25,014 --> 00:08:27,012
To stitch together
313
00:08:27,014 --> 00:08:32,001
A man monster!
314
00:08:32,003 --> 00:08:33,004
Add a couple of extra
315
00:08:33,006 --> 00:08:35,018
Little stitches in the butt.
316
00:08:35,020 --> 00:08:39,003
Now that is a tight ass!
317
00:08:39,005 --> 00:08:44,011
[ thunder crashes ]
318
00:08:44,013 --> 00:08:45,017
Get over here big boy!
319
00:08:45,019 --> 00:08:46,018
I've got to have babies with
320
00:08:46,020 --> 00:08:49,010
You before your junk burns off!
321
00:08:49,012 --> 00:08:50,010
Come on!
322
00:08:50,012 --> 00:08:51,016
There ya go!
323
00:08:51,018 --> 00:08:56,012
[ maniacal laughter ]
324
00:08:56,014 --> 00:08:59,012
Woo!
325
00:08:59,014 --> 00:09:00,012
>> and that was
326
00:09:00,014 --> 00:09:03,014
My great grandpappy?
327
00:09:03,016 --> 00:09:04,021
>> well, sounds like your
328
00:09:04,023 --> 00:09:07,016
Grandpappy, to my memoration.
329
00:09:07,018 --> 00:09:08,016
>> early: yep.
330
00:09:08,018 --> 00:09:10,015
>> he was a smoker.
331
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,015
>> smoking from his head
332
00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:12,014
And torso.
333
00:09:12,016 --> 00:09:13,022
His feet. Beard.
334
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,009
>> just about anything that
335
00:09:15,011 --> 00:09:16,017
Would flammatize.
336
00:09:16,019 --> 00:09:18,012
>> eh, sumbitch was on fire,
337
00:09:18,014 --> 00:09:19,017
I reckon.
338
00:09:19,019 --> 00:09:21,012
Corpsy, sharp corpsy stank.
339
00:09:21,014 --> 00:09:23,005
Pungent.
340
00:09:23,007 --> 00:09:24,005
>> well did he ever like to
341
00:09:24,007 --> 00:09:25,011
Do grandpappy things?
342
00:09:25,013 --> 00:09:26,011
He ever bounce his kids on his
343
00:09:26,013 --> 00:09:27,011
Knee or some crap?
344
00:09:27,013 --> 00:09:28,011
>> I do recall him bouncing
345
00:09:28,013 --> 00:09:30,012
A knee off my forehead.
346
00:09:30,014 --> 00:09:31,012
'nother couple times he'd
347
00:09:31,014 --> 00:09:33,009
Bounce it off my nethers.
348
00:09:33,011 --> 00:09:34,019
Yep you could say he was a knee
349
00:09:34,021 --> 00:09:36,012
Bouncin' fool.
350
00:09:36,014 --> 00:09:37,012
>> so my great grandpappy
351
00:09:37,014 --> 00:09:39,019
Was just a bunch of body parts
352
00:09:39,021 --> 00:09:41,019
All sewn together like?
353
00:09:41,021 --> 00:09:43,010
On fire?
354
00:09:43,012 --> 00:09:44,011
>> who, that monster fella?
355
00:09:44,013 --> 00:09:45,011
Oh, no no.
356
00:09:45,013 --> 00:09:47,006
He's just a friend.
357
00:09:47,008 --> 00:09:48,017
With benefits!
358
00:09:48,019 --> 00:09:49,017
>> woo!
359
00:09:49,019 --> 00:09:50,017
>> well then who was it?!?
360
00:09:50,019 --> 00:09:51,017
Who was my grandpappy,
361
00:09:51,019 --> 00:09:52,017
Old woman?!?
362
00:09:52,019 --> 00:09:53,017
Tell me dammit!
363
00:09:53,019 --> 00:09:54,017
>> use the knife, son.
364
00:09:54,019 --> 00:09:55,015
>> like this?
365
00:09:55,017 --> 00:09:56,015
>> that's right.
366
00:09:56,017 --> 00:09:57,015
Right there in the soft meat.
367
00:09:57,017 --> 00:09:58,015
>> now tell me dammit!
368
00:09:58,017 --> 00:09:59,015
Do I?!?
369
00:09:59,017 --> 00:10:00,015
Do I have a great grandpappy?!?
370
00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:01,015
Come on!
371
00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:02,014
>> it was a virgin birth!
372
00:10:02,016 --> 00:10:05,004
From when jesus, he came down-
373
00:10:05,006 --> 00:10:06,015
>> no, no, no, no, no!
374
00:10:06,017 --> 00:10:07,015
You do not drag me into
375
00:10:07,017 --> 00:10:10,015
This one.
376
00:10:10,017 --> 00:10:12,017
>> fine.
377
00:10:12,019 --> 00:10:15,009
Fine.
378
00:10:15,011 --> 00:10:16,013
Your grandpappy was nitro
379
00:10:16,015 --> 00:10:17,013
Of the american gladiators --
380
00:10:17,015 --> 00:10:18,013
>> no, no no.
381
00:10:18,015 --> 00:10:19,013
You gave me a hand job behind
382
00:10:19,015 --> 00:10:20,013
The eliminator.
383
00:10:20,015 --> 00:10:22,013
That was it, the dna proved it
384
00:10:22,015 --> 00:10:23,014
And the jury agreed.
385
00:10:23,016 --> 00:10:24,014
>> alright, fine derrick.
386
00:10:24,016 --> 00:10:28,015
>> I told you it's nitro!
387
00:10:28,017 --> 00:10:31,011
>> I don't know.
388
00:10:31,013 --> 00:10:32,013
How 'bout general sherman?
389
00:10:32,015 --> 00:10:34,005
Would you buy that?
390
00:10:34,007 --> 00:10:35,005
>> general sherman?
391
00:10:35,007 --> 00:10:36,005
>> what now?
392
00:10:36,007 --> 00:10:37,005
>> yeah, let's go with that.
393
00:10:37,007 --> 00:10:38,005
>> w-well that mean that
394
00:10:38,007 --> 00:10:39,021
Uh...That mean we're yankees?
395
00:10:39,023 --> 00:10:41,010
>> you saying we yankees?
396
00:10:41,012 --> 00:10:42,015
>> well, yeah.
397
00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:44,014
I guess, I guess we would be,
398
00:10:44,016 --> 00:10:46,018
Wouldn't we?
399
00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:47,018
>> so we did win the war?!
400
00:10:47,020 --> 00:10:48,018
Whoo!
401
00:10:48,020 --> 00:10:49,018
Hot damn!
402
00:10:49,020 --> 00:10:50,019
We won the war!
403
00:10:50,021 --> 00:10:51,019
>> take that south!
404
00:10:51,021 --> 00:10:56,005
We won the damn war baby!
405
00:10:56,007 --> 00:10:57,019
Captions provided
406
00:10:57,021 --> 00:10:59,023
By turner studios
24526
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