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[ radio static ]
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♪ get your yankee arse
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Off my property ♪
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♪ don't care if the banker
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Gave you a deed ♪
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♪ this farm's been cuyler land
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For generations ♪
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♪ since we beat back
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Them sneaky japanese ♪
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♪ in the war of 1812 ♪
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♪ bring our boys home ♪
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>> rusty: my turn!
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>> early: hell no.
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>> man, lemme drive that thing!
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>> do not touch the trim!
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>> early:
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>> I cut off my damn legs!
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Woo!
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>> and that's why you collect
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Disability and they-they
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Didn't draft you to command
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Operation desert storm?
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>> cause I wouldn't have
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Stopped with the a-rabs.
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Not with ol' europe just
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Sittin' there with her fat ass
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A hangin' out like a damn peach.
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The end.
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All right son, lights out.
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>> wait daddy, tell me
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The one about the copperhead.
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>> ah yes...Oncet upon a time,
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A copperhead bit my eye.
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Total darkness!
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The end.
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>> that's a good story
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>> alright son, lights out.
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>> one-one more story daddy!
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Please?
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>> which one you want,
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Tattoo or copperhead?
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>> what if you actually read
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Me one, daddy?
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>> rea-- from a book?!
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Don't you not never talk
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No damn books under this roof!
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Not now, not never ever!
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No! Hell naw!
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>> early, somebody in this
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Family ought to be able to read.
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We're leaving these meds
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Up to chance.
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I been swallowin' the blue ones
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And shoving the big ones up
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My butthole.
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>> get that out of your ass!
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You know I only do my
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Whittlin' in the soft white
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Light.
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Listen here.
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Readings don't never not done
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Nothing for not nobody.
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>> I think you mean
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"Not nonebody."
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>> excuse me.
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Not nonebody, never, not no one.
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Didn't about no reason
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Not never.
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And by god, they never not
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Ain't gonna will!
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Now if y'all will excuse me,
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I'll be stepping out
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To the jiggle hut to get me some
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Wang dang sweet poontang!
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>> oh, you're gonna get
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A lotta play with that hat!
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>> I seen the colors
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And I had to steal it.
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I'm audi.
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You babysittin'!
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Now, about that poontang!
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[ engine revs, tires squeal ]
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>> russell, do you want to
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Help me pray so my diabetes
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Don't take me while I slumber?
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>> yeah sure, granny.
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>> I really dodged a bullet
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Last night.
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>> in a minute, granny.
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>> that ain't a book is it?
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Are you trying to earn me
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A beatdown?
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Oh hell, I got enough problems.
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>> oh come on granny,
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It's just
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>> soon you move on to
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Regular
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Then
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Then the next thing you know,
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It's after midnight and you're
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Giggling under your covers
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With
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No, I will not sit here
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And watch you destroy yourself.
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>> where you going, granny?
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>> I have a condition!
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>> I ship out in the morning.
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I'm sorry, but it's my duty.
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>> what about your duty to me?
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I love you!
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>> don't say those words.
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Don't ever say those words.
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We'll polish off those krauts
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And I'll be back in the fall.
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We'll have our whole future
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Ahead of us.
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>> remember me!
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>> stop glazing your knuckles
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And get out here!
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>> uh, h-hold on.
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Don't open the door. Hold on!
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>> I know it's perfectly natural
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But you been in there too damn
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Long, so you ain't
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Doing it right.
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>> I gotta go!
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>> better not leave no egg
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Fu young on the back of that--
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>> all done.
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>> wait a minute now.
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Where you going with that
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Toilet paper?
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>> oh, th-this here?
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>> uh-uh.
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>> yeah, you might--
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You might want to wipe with --
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With anything up to page 80.
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Up to the dog ear.
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>> oh no, I find that
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The back pages are the softest.
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>> oh lord.
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>> you know around
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The denouement?
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>> hey man, I gotta make!
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>> are you sure you wouldn't
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Rather try
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Or something?
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>> naw, too slick.
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Besides, I been waiting for
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This sumbitch to come out in
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Paperback.
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For papering my back!
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>> please don't wipe with that!
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>> oh, okay I'm sorry.
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I ain't gonna wipe with it.
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This ain't fit for my ass!
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>> no!
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>> I knew it!
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>> lieutenant dashing!
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>> you reading son of a bitch!
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We bout to take care of this
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Right now!
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[ sizzling ]
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>> sheriff: I guess rusty's been
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Reading again?
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>> I'm handling it.
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Changing the curiosity nodes.
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Simple outpatient procedure.
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>> ain't nothing wrong
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With reading.
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Why don't you try it sometime?
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>> I did try it!
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Green eggs?!
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Implausible!
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>> early it's a children's book.
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>> and ham??!
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Elitist!
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>> new york jewocracy telling
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The country man how to eat
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His own breakfast!
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>> I ain't gotta read anyhow!
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I got this here college degree
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To fall back on.
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Go seminoles!
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>> daddy, that's a place mat
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From the university of pancakes.
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>> well, I only minored in
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Hot cakes.
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My major was in country gravy.
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>> aw now they're just books,
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People.
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You can have adventures like
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You'd never be able to afford.
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Like this one here about
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A serial killer that makes his
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Victims into a skin suit.
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>> what color is the skin suit?
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>> yeah, that's a valid
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Question.
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>> y'all really need to
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Give it a rest.
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The book fair starts tomorrow.
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Y'all come on down.
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Dean koontz is reading from his
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New paperback
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>> ok then.
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Sounds like a blast!
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Oh, yeah...
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A real blast.
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[ evil laughter ]
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>> all right.
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You know I never know how to
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Quite read you on comments
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Like that.
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>> a real blast.
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>> I guess...
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I guess I'll take it
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On face value and see you there.
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>> you think he got what
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I meant about the "Blast"?
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About how I focused on "Blast"?
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I tried to put "Blast" in
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Quotes, emphasizing the "Blast."
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>> what did you mean about
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The "Blast"?
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>> oh now I see what
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You're doing.
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The blast is a bomb.
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>> come on now, daddy,
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You ain't got to do this.
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>> well it's black or white
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With that one.
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Me, I don't care to read,
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So I just don't do it.
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But he's "I don't like books.
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I'm gonna blow me up
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A book fair!"
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>> yep, nitroglycerin,
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It's a recurring motif
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In much of my work.
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>> you ought to at least
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Write a manifesto, tell 'em
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Why you're doing it.
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>> so they could read that?
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No, that plays right into
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Their damn game, rusty!
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Oh, I got just one word for them
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People --
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Kaboom!
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>> koontz: ...And with that,
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The zombie's head fell
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To the ground with
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A sickening thud.
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Death -- dead again,
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One more time."
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Thank you.
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Does anyone have any questions?
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>> so is that zombie
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Actually dead?
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>> yeah, I-I think I covered
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That in the last sentence.
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Anyone else?
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>> in a way, jesus was a zombie.
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Perhaps if we altered this book
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Slightly, send the lord
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On a brain feeding frenzy...
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>> you know, I don't know.
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My-my book is a work
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Of fiction.
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>> oh, they've said
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The same thing about mine.
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>> ok, it's been great.
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Thank you every--
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>> actually, mr. Koontz,
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I believe we still have
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The signing to do.
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>> then you'll take
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The ankle bracelet off?
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>> well we'll certainly
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Discuss it.
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>> I'm here to meet dean koontz.
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I want him to sign my bomb.
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>> [ grunting ]
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Got it, yeah.
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"The metamorphosis is complete"
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He cried, as he slowly ascended
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To his hovercraft.
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>> howdy, pardner.
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>> appaloosa slim!
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00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:56,015
What are you doin' here?
291
00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:57,015
>> we're the heroes from
292
00:07:57,017 --> 00:07:59,000
All your books.
293
00:07:59,002 --> 00:08:00,000
>> we take you on an
294
00:08:00,002 --> 00:08:02,002
Adventure of the mind.
295
00:08:02,004 --> 00:08:03,002
>> so that you might escape
296
00:08:03,004 --> 00:08:04,010
The depression of living
297
00:08:04,012 --> 00:08:05,012
In this...
298
00:08:05,014 --> 00:08:06,012
You know....
299
00:08:06,014 --> 00:08:07,022
>> crushing p-poverty.
300
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:09,019
>> wh-who are y'all talking to?
301
00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:13,005
Is-is somebody out there?
302
00:08:13,007 --> 00:08:14,012
>> whilst thou do nothing
303
00:08:14,014 --> 00:08:16,005
While the patriarch destroyeth
304
00:08:16,007 --> 00:08:17,016
All that is literature?
305
00:08:17,018 --> 00:08:18,016
>> what do you want from me?
306
00:08:18,018 --> 00:08:19,016
This here's real life, I mean
307
00:08:19,018 --> 00:08:21,001
That sumbitch is crazy!
308
00:08:21,003 --> 00:08:24,009
>> [ whale singing ]
309
00:08:24,011 --> 00:08:25,009
>> what's he saying?
310
00:08:25,011 --> 00:08:26,009
>> nothing relevant,
311
00:08:26,011 --> 00:08:27,013
He's a freaking whale.
312
00:08:27,015 --> 00:08:28,023
Go save the book fair, son.
313
00:08:29,001 --> 00:08:30,012
>> h-h-here you go, rusty.
314
00:08:30,014 --> 00:08:32,016
>> shakespeare: before we part,
315
00:08:32,018 --> 00:08:34,010
How dos't thy remote work?
316
00:08:34,012 --> 00:08:36,013
>> surely
317
00:08:36,015 --> 00:08:37,015
The television!
318
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,015
>> adventure's in your mind!
319
00:08:39,017 --> 00:08:40,023
>> guys, I'm starting
320
00:08:41,001 --> 00:08:41,023
To freak out.
321
00:08:42,001 --> 00:08:42,023
Could somebody get this [bleep]
322
00:08:43,001 --> 00:08:46,011
Mask off?
323
00:08:46,013 --> 00:08:50,020
>> aw, t-too much bold laser.
324
00:08:50,022 --> 00:08:51,020
>> okay.
325
00:08:51,022 --> 00:08:52,020
Uh..Who should I make this
326
00:08:52,022 --> 00:08:53,020
Out to?
327
00:08:53,022 --> 00:08:54,020
>> uh..Could you just write,
328
00:08:54,022 --> 00:08:56,009
"Vengeance is mine"?
329
00:08:56,011 --> 00:08:57,013
>> certainly.
330
00:08:57,015 --> 00:09:00,006
Vengeance...Is...Mine.
331
00:09:00,008 --> 00:09:01,009
Hello?
332
00:09:01,011 --> 00:09:02,013
Where are you?
333
00:09:02,015 --> 00:09:04,004
>> [ grunting ]
334
00:09:04,006 --> 00:09:05,014
Aw, come on!
335
00:09:05,016 --> 00:09:06,013
Uh! Let's go!
336
00:09:06,015 --> 00:09:08,018
[ grunting ]
337
00:09:08,020 --> 00:09:09,018
Damn it! Activate!
338
00:09:09,020 --> 00:09:11,004
Blast! Do something! Damnit!
339
00:09:11,006 --> 00:09:12,022
>> [ clears throat ]
340
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:14,014
Trying to blow this up?
341
00:09:14,016 --> 00:09:15,022
>> damn, how'd you find me?
342
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,014
>> I just followed these wires,
343
00:09:17,016 --> 00:09:18,022
Which are strings.
344
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:20,010
And that's not a detonator,
345
00:09:20,012 --> 00:09:22,004
It's a bicycle pump.
346
00:09:22,006 --> 00:09:23,016
>> oh, dean koontz!
347
00:09:23,018 --> 00:09:25,011
My budgetary limitations come
348
00:09:25,013 --> 00:09:26,019
Back to haunt me!
349
00:09:26,021 --> 00:09:27,019
>> you know, the black panthers
350
00:09:27,021 --> 00:09:29,008
Have published a wonderful
351
00:09:29,010 --> 00:09:30,016
Series of books on overthrowing
352
00:09:30,018 --> 00:09:31,017
The government.
353
00:09:31,019 --> 00:09:32,021
It's got a fully illustrated
354
00:09:32,023 --> 00:09:34,017
Section on incendiary devices.
355
00:09:34,019 --> 00:09:35,019
>> well I ain't reading it!
356
00:09:35,021 --> 00:09:37,013
♪ ♪
357
00:09:37,015 --> 00:09:39,004
>> ain't?
358
00:09:39,006 --> 00:09:41,023
Or can't?
359
00:09:42,001 --> 00:09:43,011
>> can't!
360
00:09:43,013 --> 00:09:45,023
It's my private shame!
361
00:09:46,001 --> 00:09:47,014
>> it's alright early,
362
00:09:47,016 --> 00:09:49,001
I can't read either.
363
00:09:49,003 --> 00:09:50,010
>> well, what about all them
364
00:09:50,012 --> 00:09:51,022
Books you done scribbled up?
365
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:52,022
>> I just randomly
366
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,000
Type letters.
367
00:09:54,002 --> 00:09:55,008
If a word looks too long,
368
00:09:55,010 --> 00:09:56,012
I'll just hit the space bar.
369
00:09:56,014 --> 00:09:58,017
>> so-so I'm not alone?
370
00:09:58,019 --> 00:09:59,018
>> not at all.
371
00:09:59,020 --> 00:10:00,020
If you had favorite authors,
372
00:10:00,022 --> 00:10:02,006
You'd know that many of them
373
00:10:02,008 --> 00:10:03,013
Can't read either.
374
00:10:03,015 --> 00:10:05,017
Mark twain, jack kerouac,
375
00:10:05,019 --> 00:10:07,016
Robert ludlum.
376
00:10:07,018 --> 00:10:08,016
None of them can read.
377
00:10:08,018 --> 00:10:09,016
>> well hell, if y'all want
378
00:10:09,018 --> 00:10:10,016
To learn how to read,
379
00:10:10,018 --> 00:10:12,006
Look no further than good ol'
380
00:10:12,008 --> 00:10:17,023
Sheriff's knee here.
381
00:10:18,001 --> 00:10:19,017
"Bill will
382
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:21,020
Climb up the hill.
383
00:10:21,022 --> 00:10:25,003
But where is claire?"
384
00:10:25,005 --> 00:10:26,015
>> "Ahver th...
385
00:10:26,017 --> 00:10:29,013
>> oh. Ohh.
386
00:10:29,015 --> 00:10:30,020
>> ov-over there!
387
00:10:30,022 --> 00:10:32,005
>> that's right, early!
388
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:33,005
Very good!
389
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:34,015
>> woo! I'm reading baby!
390
00:10:34,017 --> 00:10:36,005
Come on now dean, get you one!
391
00:10:36,007 --> 00:10:38,009
[ gunshot ]
392
00:10:38,011 --> 00:10:39,009
Dean?
393
00:10:39,011 --> 00:10:40,009
Dean?!
394
00:10:40,011 --> 00:10:41,010
[ gunshot ]
395
00:10:41,012 --> 00:10:42,014
>> oh god, no! Ear--
396
00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:44,013
[ gunshot ]
397
00:10:44,015 --> 00:10:46,015
>> yay, I saved the book fair!
398
00:10:46,017 --> 00:10:47,013
Just like you said to!
399
00:10:47,015 --> 00:10:48,021
>> yes, you did.
400
00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:50,009
And you acted alone.
401
00:10:50,011 --> 00:10:52,006
[ laughing ]
402
00:10:52,008 --> 00:10:54,014
The metamorphosis is complete!
403
00:10:54,016 --> 00:10:58,000
To the hovercraft!
404
00:10:58,002 --> 00:11:00,000
Captions provided
405
00:11:00,002 --> 00:11:02,004
By turner studios.
24697
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