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[ static ]
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[ country music plays ]
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>> ♪ I gave all my best years
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To that woman ♪
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♪ and all she gave me was mouths
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To feed ♪
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♪ a miracle straight from the
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Loins of jesus ♪
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♪ since charlie blew off
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Both my testes ♪
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♪ 1969 came around the bend ♪
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>> rusty: my turn.
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>> early: hell no.
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>> rusty: let me drive that
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Thing!
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>> early: do not touch the trim!
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>> [ slurping ]
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[ slurps loudly ]
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[ belches ]
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A refill.
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>> I'll tell you what, krystal,
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We like to use this promotion as
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A loss leader to get people
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In --
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>> [ slurping ]
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[ slurping loudly ]
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[ door opens, chimes ring ]
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[ slurping continues ]
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[ belches ]
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>> oh, are you ready for
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Another?
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>> refill.
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>> comin' right up.
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>> and no ice.
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I'm onto your game.
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[ slurping ]
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Ohh.
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[ slurping loudly ]
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>> you know, I was just hopin'
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Maybe you could --
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>> back up!
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You're crowdin' up on me.
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Y'all will wait until my
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Bottomless thirst is slaked.
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>> okay.
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>> who touched my ass?
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[ crowd murmurs ]
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Do it again. That feels good.
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>> how about I give you this
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Whole spool of scratch-off
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Tickets if you'll agree to leave
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The premises?
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How would that be?
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>> fine.
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Call the fire department.
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>> oh, thank god for that.
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>> you tell them to watch it
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With them body winches.
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If I see bruises, I'll sue.
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[ slurps loudly ]
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Refill.
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>> them three snowballs got to
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Match.
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Come on, now, damn it.
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You want mama to love you, now,
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Don't you?
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>> rusty: I'm -- I'm scratchin'
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As hard as I can.
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We still goin' to the movies,
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Right?
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>> no.
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>> rusty: oh.
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Well, that's okay.
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That's just your way of sayin'
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"I love you," right?
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>> no.
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They match?
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>> rusty: no.
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>> ohh.
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Keep scratchin'.
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[ crickets chirping ]
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[
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Keep scratchin'.
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[ thunder crashes ]
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I ain't hearin' no scratchin',
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R-rog.
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[ birds chirping ]
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>> rusty: mama, I'm gettin'
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Blisters.
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Can I have a coin?
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>> dumbass, if I had a nickel,
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I wouldn't need to scratch these
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Tickets.
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Didn't your mama teach you --
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>> rusty: oh, my god!
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Mama! Mama, look here!
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We got a match!
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>> lemme see.
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>> rusty: mama, we got a match!
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Look at this!
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>> I told you not to mess with
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Mama's lotte...Ry tickets.
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[ exhales deeply ]
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Yay!
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I'm a winner!
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>> early: let's see -- tear me
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Off 17 "Fat chances."
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>> okay.
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>> early: mm-hmm.
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And three "Piss-it-aways."
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>> yeah, okay -- three.
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>> early: and 23 -- oh,
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"A-fool-and-his-moneys."
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>> why don't you take the whole
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Spool?
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Since, you know, since you're
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Robbin' me and all.
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>> early: I got a system!
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>> well, early, there's no money
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In the till, 'cause, you see,
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Krystal, here, just --
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>> early: krystal's a dumb
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Bitch!
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If
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Can bring it home!
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I'm a man!
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>> you gonna do anything here,
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Hoss?
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>> sheriff: well, I just don't
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Want to create a situation where
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You're dependent on me.
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You boys are adults now.
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Y'all can't come runnin' to me
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Every time you got a problem.
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>> early: ohh!
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Aah!
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>> well, look at him, sheriff,
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He's scratchin' off all my price
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Tags and labels.
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>> early: damn it!
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I need me to scratch me some way
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To some money!
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>> sheriff: well, I think you
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Shoulda married that old gal
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When you had the chance.
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>> early: you sayin' we still
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Ain't got somethin' special
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Betwinxt us?
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>> sheriff: no, I'm just sayin'
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You better stay about 250 feet
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Away from her, per the court
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Order.
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Domestic violence ain't a joke,
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Early.
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Even though you did -- heh --
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Kinda try to do it in a --
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Heh heh -- funny way, you know?
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>> early: [ laughs ]
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You mean when I dropped that
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Safe on her head.
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[ both laugh ]
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>> sheriff: see, a piano woulda
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Sounded funnier.
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[ laughs ]
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You know, a piano makes that
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"Koong!" sound, you know, when
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It hits the ground.
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That woulda been funny.
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>> early: what the hell do you
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Know?
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>> sheriff: 250 feet away,
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Early.
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Don't you forget that.
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>> early:
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Your mistakes caused all mine.
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You mean snake bitch!
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>> sheriff: early, you'll have
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To back up some now.
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>> early: hey, you know it's
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Just water under the bridge.
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'cause I'm here to say...
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You in my heart.
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Now, I want you to get on them
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Fat, chubby knees and take my
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Manhood into your sugar walls.
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>> sheriff: keep it back, early.
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>> early: I can't come to
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Little gal, but you can come to
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>> no, I can't.
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>> sheriff: well, that's right,
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Early.
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She can't.
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She's fat like a shut-in.
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[ whip! ]
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Damn it!
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>> early: oh, come on, now,
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Sheriff.
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You gonna let the law get in the
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Way of true love?
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>> you go back to hell, from
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Where you came.
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>> early: damn this invisible
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Prison!
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She's a-tauntin' me!
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Your razor whip's cuttin' to the
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Core!
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[ beeping ]
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>> none of your business!
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>> early:
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I love you.
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I'll find you.
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I
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I'll always be here for you.
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And I'm gonna get that
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Sumbitchin' money!
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>> okay, so, uh, so, we're gonna
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Do an esophageal bypass that
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Cuts your digestive system
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Completely out of the process,
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And, uh, you'll look great for
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About two weeks, then you'll
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Eventually starve to death.
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For those two weeks.
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Really great.
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>> light it up.
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>> okay.
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[ bell tinkles ]
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Just, uh...
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Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
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What's that? Look over there.
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What's that?
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And -- and we're...
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[ drill whirs ]
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...Done.
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There we go.
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>> well, all right!
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I got me a new lease on life.
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>> yes.
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A two-week lease, a massive
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Organ failure.
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Snuff?
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>> dan halen: so, my sweet, I
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Suppose you're wondering why I
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Asked you on this romantic
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Stroll.
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The truth is, I have a guilty
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Conscience.
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>> give me one of them roosters
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On a stick.
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>> dan halen: one fried carrion
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For the lady.
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I-I want to apologize for
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The time I built that
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Waste-treatment plant around
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You.
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It's just you wouldn't budge
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And...
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Damn eminent-domain law!
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Damn it to hell!
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>> ain't nothin' but a thang.
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Ohh.
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>> dan halen: enchanting.
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Please. Allow me.
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>> ohh.
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>> dan halen: that's it!
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I must have you!
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[ smooches ]
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Mmm! Substantial.
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How it rests so heavily in the
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Hand.
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Quick! Fetch my pants!
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I want to feel it tightening my
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Pockets!
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>> early: look at that bitch.
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Fraternizin' with them damn
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Blue bloods.
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That money's done gone to her
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Damn slut head.
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>> sheriff: well, hell.
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Looky there, early.
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She's done purchased herself a
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Fourth input.
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>> mmm.
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>> early: just when I thought
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She couldn't be no more perfect.
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Heaven must be a-missin' a fat
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Ol' angel.
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>> mmm.
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>> hey, there's our
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Miss america.
291
00:07:11,003 --> 00:07:13,002
Great job keeping that neck all
292
00:07:13,004 --> 00:07:14,021
Free of, uh, blockages.
293
00:07:14,023 --> 00:07:16,000
>> what is this?
294
00:07:16,002 --> 00:07:17,003
[ squishing ]
295
00:07:17,005 --> 00:07:18,027
>> [ gasps ] Oh, god.
296
00:07:18,029 --> 00:07:19,015
Ooh.
297
00:07:19,017 --> 00:07:20,012
Krystal.
298
00:07:20,014 --> 00:07:22,012
>> I guess your fat was covering
299
00:07:22,014 --> 00:07:23,020
Up a siamese twin.
300
00:07:23,022 --> 00:07:24,025
>> amber jean?
301
00:07:24,027 --> 00:07:27,002
>> we played smear the queer.
302
00:07:27,004 --> 00:07:28,010
And then it grew dark.
303
00:07:28,012 --> 00:07:29,006
>> cut it off.
304
00:07:29,008 --> 00:07:29,028
>> no! No!
305
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,011
>> it's up in my business.
306
00:07:31,013 --> 00:07:32,003
Mmm.
307
00:07:32,005 --> 00:07:34,002
Give me some sugar.
308
00:07:34,004 --> 00:07:35,013
[ smooches ]
309
00:07:35,015 --> 00:07:36,020
>> dan halen: wow.
310
00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:38,002
Am I tired after that
311
00:07:38,004 --> 00:07:40,021
Sexually heated display.
312
00:07:40,023 --> 00:07:41,028
You take it out of me, you
313
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:42,014
Succubus.
314
00:07:42,016 --> 00:07:44,003
>> rusty: who's this man in our
315
00:07:44,005 --> 00:07:44,017
House?
316
00:07:44,019 --> 00:07:46,006
>> boy, you better show respect
317
00:07:46,008 --> 00:07:48,027
To your new step...Guy who's
318
00:07:48,029 --> 00:07:49,016
F'ing me.
319
00:07:49,018 --> 00:07:51,018
>> dan halen: well, we haven't
320
00:07:51,020 --> 00:07:52,027
F'ed yet, per se.
321
00:07:52,029 --> 00:07:55,003
But soon we
322
00:07:55,005 --> 00:07:57,005
Course, I'm...Totally into...
323
00:07:57,007 --> 00:07:59,021
F'ing my fairest lady here...
324
00:07:59,023 --> 00:08:00,025
All the way.
325
00:08:00,027 --> 00:08:02,012
The full...Way.
326
00:08:02,014 --> 00:08:04,006
>> I ain't seen his junk yet.
327
00:08:04,008 --> 00:08:06,001
Pull your junk out and show it
328
00:08:06,003 --> 00:08:06,018
To me.
329
00:08:06,020 --> 00:08:08,012
>> dan halen: I-I do have it.
330
00:08:08,014 --> 00:08:09,019
It's just retractable.
331
00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:10,011
>> come on.
332
00:08:10,013 --> 00:08:11,003
We're gonna see
333
00:08:11,005 --> 00:08:12,013
"Johnny mnemonic" at the dollar.
334
00:08:12,015 --> 00:08:13,016
>> rusty: we're gonna see
335
00:08:13,018 --> 00:08:14,013
"Johnny menamonic"?!
336
00:08:14,015 --> 00:08:15,010
You mean it, mama?
337
00:08:15,012 --> 00:08:16,020
>> that flab wagon ain't gonna
338
00:08:16,022 --> 00:08:17,010
Pull itself.
339
00:08:17,012 --> 00:08:18,022
>> rusty: now, this is the best
340
00:08:18,024 --> 00:08:19,015
Day of my life!
341
00:08:19,017 --> 00:08:21,008
Whoo-hoo! Yeah!
342
00:08:23,008 --> 00:08:25,017
>>
343
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,021
>> dan halen: well, I'm gonna go
344
00:08:31,023 --> 00:08:32,029
Get some gobbly goos.
345
00:08:33,001 --> 00:08:37,021
Does anyone have $275,000?
346
00:08:37,023 --> 00:08:39,003
[ squishing ]
347
00:08:39,005 --> 00:08:40,013
>> unh-unh-unh-unh.
348
00:08:40,015 --> 00:08:42,009
You gonna shake for your supper.
349
00:08:42,011 --> 00:08:43,009
>> dan halen: oh, sure.
350
00:08:43,011 --> 00:08:45,001
Absolutely.
351
00:08:47,001 --> 00:08:47,025
You like this?
352
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,022
>> mm. There it is.
353
00:08:48,024 --> 00:08:49,027
>> dan halen: is this what
354
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,011
You...Desire?
355
00:08:51,013 --> 00:08:53,024
>> take it out, big man, like a
356
00:08:53,026 --> 00:08:55,001
Big ol' coil of rope.
357
00:08:55,003 --> 00:08:56,020
>> dan halen: I don't know what
358
00:08:56,022 --> 00:08:58,007
That means, but thank you.
359
00:08:58,009 --> 00:09:03,007
[
360
00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:05,018
>> [ hispanic accent ] Hola.
361
00:09:08,022 --> 00:09:12,017
I am dan halen.
362
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:13,016
>> hi.
363
00:09:13,018 --> 00:09:15,003
>> rusty: you look darker than I
364
00:09:15,005 --> 00:09:15,021
Remember.
365
00:09:15,023 --> 00:09:17,016
Did you get a tan?
366
00:09:19,004 --> 00:09:20,019
>> gobbly goo for you?
367
00:09:20,021 --> 00:09:21,018
[ rumbling ]
368
00:09:21,020 --> 00:09:23,021
>> rusty: what the hell's that?!
369
00:09:23,023 --> 00:09:25,024
>> dan halen: I need some alone
370
00:09:25,026 --> 00:09:27,021
Time to think things through...
371
00:09:27,023 --> 00:09:30,006
With this money.
372
00:09:30,008 --> 00:09:34,008
[ wind gusting ]
373
00:09:34,010 --> 00:09:36,012
>> could you tack down my skin
374
00:09:36,014 --> 00:09:38,002
Capes, brandon?
375
00:09:38,004 --> 00:09:39,005
I'm catchin' a gust.
376
00:09:39,007 --> 00:09:40,019
>> early: I liked her better
377
00:09:40,021 --> 00:09:42,006
When she had more meat on them
378
00:09:42,008 --> 00:09:43,008
Bones.
379
00:09:43,010 --> 00:09:45,025
This waif look makes me want not
380
00:09:45,027 --> 00:09:49,015
To stalk her quite so intensely.
381
00:09:49,017 --> 00:09:51,000
>> look, brandon.
382
00:09:51,002 --> 00:09:52,016
It's a space man.
383
00:09:52,018 --> 00:09:54,026
>> dan halen: krystal, I thought
384
00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:57,004
Long and hard about where we're
385
00:09:57,006 --> 00:09:59,010
Going as a couple, and I don't
386
00:09:59,012 --> 00:10:01,010
Want to lose you.
387
00:10:01,012 --> 00:10:02,029
I want to know what love is.
388
00:10:03,001 --> 00:10:04,009
I want you to show me.
389
00:10:04,011 --> 00:10:05,023
This heart needs a second
390
00:10:05,025 --> 00:10:06,011
Chance.
391
00:10:06,013 --> 00:10:08,022
I feel like making love to you,
392
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:11,002
Love in an elevator, living it
393
00:10:11,004 --> 00:10:13,009
Up when I'm going down.
394
00:10:13,011 --> 00:10:15,016
"Aerosmith's greatest hits."
395
00:10:15,018 --> 00:10:17,003
I'm afraid that's -- that's all
396
00:10:17,005 --> 00:10:18,005
I had in the rocket.
397
00:10:18,007 --> 00:10:19,028
>> well, you're too late.
398
00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:21,018
I mean, I'm already with
399
00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:22,015
Dan halen.
400
00:10:22,017 --> 00:10:23,011
>>
401
00:10:26,014 --> 00:10:28,013
>> dan halen: so you are.
402
00:10:28,015 --> 00:10:30,028
I hope I make you as happy as
403
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,002
Were once.
404
00:10:32,004 --> 00:10:34,017
Can I dance for you one more
405
00:10:34,019 --> 00:10:35,009
Time?
406
00:10:35,011 --> 00:10:37,008
>> all right.
407
00:10:37,010 --> 00:10:41,017
Mm, mm.
408
00:10:41,019 --> 00:10:42,024
I ain't got no money.
409
00:10:42,026 --> 00:10:44,017
>> dan halen: but the lottery...
410
00:10:44,019 --> 00:10:46,005
>> I bought scratch-offs with
411
00:10:46,007 --> 00:10:47,018
All my mad money.
412
00:10:47,020 --> 00:10:49,026
It was never about winnin' for
413
00:10:49,028 --> 00:10:50,017
Me.
414
00:10:50,019 --> 00:10:53,008
The thrill's in the chase.
415
00:10:53,010 --> 00:10:55,012
You got to work like you never
416
00:10:55,014 --> 00:10:57,025
Been hurt...Like you don't need
417
00:10:57,027 --> 00:11:00,000
The money, and scratch like
418
00:11:00,002 --> 00:11:00,028
Nobody's watchin'.
419
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:02,009
>> rusty: oh, my god.
420
00:11:02,011 --> 00:11:05,015
We got us a match, mama!
421
00:11:05,017 --> 00:11:07,003
>> $3.
422
00:11:07,005 --> 00:11:08,003
Hurray.
423
00:11:08,005 --> 00:11:09,007
[ koong! ]
424
00:11:09,009 --> 00:11:10,011
>> early: aw, damn it!
425
00:11:10,013 --> 00:11:12,003
>> sheriff: there you go.
25457
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