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[ static ]
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[ country music plays ]
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>> ♪ somehow I got spinal
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Meningitis ♪
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♪ injectin' all that hair spray
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In my spine ♪
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♪ it's a super-cheap way
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To party ♪
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♪ if you aim to kill some brain
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Cells and some time ♪
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Good luck gettin' that
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Child-support check from me
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>> rusty: my turn.
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>> early: hell no.
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>> rusty: let me drive that
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Thing!
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>> early: do not touch the trim!
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[ vehicle approaching ]
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>> sheriff: slow down, slow
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Down, denny!
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No, denny, slow down!
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[ tires squeal ]
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[ engine revs ]
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Slow down, denny boy!
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Stop!
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[ crash! ]
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[ clatter! ]
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>> whoo! I win!
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>> sheriff: it ain't a race,
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Denny.
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[ coughs ]
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It's a parade, damn it.
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>> I followed the parade route.
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I did it fast.
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>> sheriff: hell, we left
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Miss mud festival and the whole
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Marching band at the bottom of
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The hill.
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>> rusty: mud festival?!
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Hey, daddy, can we go to that
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Mud festival?
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I want to go to the
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Mud festival!
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Can we go, daddy? I want to go!
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>> early: no, we got perfectly
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Good mud right here.
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>> sheriff: aw, don't deflate
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The boy's hopes, early.
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>> granny: let his dreams
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Crumble over time.
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>> sheriff: next thing you know,
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You're pushing 50 and your
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Dreams of becoming an fbi
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Superagent are, well, remote,
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At best.
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Some nights, you salt the rim of
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Your service revolver so it
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Tastes like the margaritas that
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You so often abuse.
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But I digress.
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Mud days are here, y'all.
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[ band plays up-tempo music ]
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Uh-oh.
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>> granny: it's mud days, y'all!
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[ band plays mid-tempo music ]
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>> rusty: hey, little possum.
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Can I feed him, daddy?
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>> early: knock yourself out.
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>> rusty: all right, now I'm
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Gonna ride him.
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Come on, giddyup! Come on!
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Giddyup, giddyup!
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Giddyup, now, possum, come on!
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>> early: it's
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Hyah, hyah! Whoo!
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Hyah! Whoo!
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[ squishing ]
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[ slurps ]
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Dumbass creature.
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>> granny: make me look like
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Angelina jolie.
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But don't draw no black babies.
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Just put me on a trans am.
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And have me having dirty sex
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With burt reynolds on the hood.
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And jesus is smiling and giving
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Thumbs-up, and he's marrying us,
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So make sure we got wedding
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Rings on.
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>> sheriff: I did capture the
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Spirit of it, I believe.
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>> granny: I don't windsurf.
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>> sheriff: maybe it's a hobby
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You might ought to consider.
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>> granny: give me back my food
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Stamps.
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>> rusty: oh, my god, they got
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Mud konez, daddy!
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Can I get a mud kone?!
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Can I, daddy? Can I, daddy?
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>> that'll be four tickets,
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Please.
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>> early: just give me the kone!
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I'll provide my
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>> well, now, early, it goes to
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The kids' burn unit.
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>> rusty: aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!
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>> early: this here's a burnt
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Kid.
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>> rusty: aah! Aah!
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Aaaaaah!
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>> early: give him a kone.
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>> sorry, son.
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Sometimes people get caught in
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The crossfire.
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>> rusty: owwww!
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[ whimpers ]
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Thank you, daddy.
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>> early: "Thank you,
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>> sheriff: hey, everybody, it's
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Mudsy time.
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Come on, it's mudsy time.
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>> all: [ chanting ] Mudsy!
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Mudsy! Mudsy! Mudsy! Mudsy!
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>> sheriff: wake up, mudsy.
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>> [ snorts ]
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>> sheriff: come on.
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Get on up, now.
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>> granny: poke him with your
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Stick!
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>> sheriff: wake up, or I'm
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Gonna tase you.
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>> all: mudsy! Mudsy!
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[ crowd cheering ]
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>> w-w-what's going on here?
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>> early: hey, mudsy, we gonna
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Get two more weeks of mud?
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>> look, now, my name's richard.
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I'm a human being.
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I was a loan officer down at the
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Bank.
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The economy had a little bit of
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A downturn, but --
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>> sheriff: yeah, subprime
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Lending.
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We all know, mudsy.
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>> richard.
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>> sheriff: yeah, everybody
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Close your eyes and make a wish
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And throw a rock at mudsy.
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>> no, no, no, no, no.
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>> sheriff: y'all try to avoid
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The head, now.
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Liability issues, you know.
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>> dan halen: attention,
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Primitive people!
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You may have been wondering what
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Is under the enormous tarp.
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It is my gift to you.
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>> granny: he's got a tarp under
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There.
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>> early: hell yeah!
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>> dan halen: not that.
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>> granny: he's got a tarp under
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This big-ass tarp!
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>> early: hell yeah!
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>> dan halen: no, no.
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Introducing the world's
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Largest --
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>> granny: are you sure it's not
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A tarp?
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>> dan halen: never mind.
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Lift it.
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[ fanfare ]
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Huh?
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Huh?
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>> rusty: somebody touched my
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Ass.
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>> dan halen: oh, hold on
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Just -- sorry.
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All right, there it is!
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[ fanfare ]
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It's a corn maze.
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>> rusty: they moved that
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Big-ass tarp.
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>> early: where?
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>> rusty: right over there.
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>> early: I'll look at some
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Tarp, I'll tell you that much.
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>> dan halen: god -- shucky, get
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Out there quick!
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Their minds are feeble.
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Lead them to the corn!
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>> hi, everybody! Hey, hey!
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I'm shucky.
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>> dan halen: your mud days are
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Over, dougal county!
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It is time for corn times!
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Maize days!
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You know what?
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Let's just go with the initial
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Idea with the corn times.
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That's fine enough.
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>> hey, hey!
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>> dan halen: corn times!
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>> hey, kid, you like balloon
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Animals?
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>> rusty: I sure do.
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>> oh, shucks!
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I'm all out of balloons.
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Wait, I know.
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I'll just take these muddy old
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Intestines.
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>> aah, aah, aah, aah!
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>> sheriff: actually, shucky, I
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Think that's fecal matter.
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>> and voilà.
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There you go.
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>> rusty: can you make me a
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Mommy out of one of them
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Balloons?
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>> hey, hey, it's time to get
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This party started, y'all...
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[ up-tempo music plays ]
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...And turn this old dud of a
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Mud days into a cornucopia maize
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Craze!
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>> aah!
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I'm still alive, I'm still
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Ali-I-I-I-I-ve!
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[ rockets whistling ]
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>> all: ahh! Ooh!
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>> rusty: corn days! Whoo!
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>> early: screw the mud days!
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It's corn times, baby!
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>> rusty: hell yeah! Whoo!
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>> dan halen: enjoy corn times
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Forever!
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[ laughs evilly ]
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[ whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh!
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Whoosh! ]
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>> granny: well, that seemed
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Ominous.
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[ suspenseful music plays ]
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[ crowd screaming ]
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>> sheriff: something ain't
247
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Right here.
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You know, I specifically asked
249
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For spider-man, not this.
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This just flat-out undermines my
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Authority.
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>> early: let's get the hell out
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Of here.
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>> presentin' the
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Charlie daniels band!
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[ "Devil went down to georgia"
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Plays ]
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>> early: I mean, let's keep our
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Asses planted right here.
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"Still in saigon"!
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"Still in saigon"! Whoo!
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>> rusty: I don't see no
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Charlie daniels.
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This is just the band.
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>> early: what the -- no!
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>> ughhhhh.
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>> sheriff: early!
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>> early: you know how much
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Moonshine I can make with this?
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>> rusty: daddy? Daddy, we got
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To get out of here!
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We got to get a map or somethin'
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And go!
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[ fiddle playing ]
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>> early: charlie?
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Is that -- is that you, charlie?
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>> rusty: charlie daniels!
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>> ain't no rag. It's a flag.
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>> granny: I see charlie's hat!
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With his head still in it?
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>> ain't no map. It's a trap!
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>> rusty: aah! Granny!
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>> granny: you gonna help me?!
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Help me, early!
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>> early: hold on, granny!
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>> granny: aah!
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[ heroic music plays ]
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[ music stops ]
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You know, you could have just
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Clipped the vine.
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>> early: movin' on.
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[ bird cawing ]
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>> sheriff: [ clears throat ]
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Uh, mr. Halen, I'm sorry to be a
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Pain, but this corn, it wouldn't
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Be -- [clears throat] --
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Genetically modified, would it?
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>> dan halen: that is a trade
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Secret -- proprietary.
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Don't talk about cornzu.
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>> sheriff: cornzu?
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>> dan halen: who said
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"Cornzu" -- t.M.?
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That term is trademarked.
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Pay me a dime every time you say
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"Cornzu."
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>> sheriff: I-I'll tell you
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What.
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I'll just say "The maze of
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Cornlike material."
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How's that?
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>> dan halen: yeah, but what
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Sort of cornlike material?
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I won't know what you're talking
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About.
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>> sheriff: well, it rhymes with
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"Pornzu."
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>> dan halen: ha! I own that,
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Too.
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Look, if corn and kudzu fall in
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Love and have a baby...
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In a lab, under the supervision
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Of scientists working in my
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Employ, who am I to stop that,
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Other than the c.E.O.
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Responsible for stopping it?
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>> sheriff: it's just that it
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Makes it a little hard to get to
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Work, you know, with all the
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Vines and the maze and stuff
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Trying to kill ya and all that.
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>> dan halen: don't you
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Understand?!
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With this much corn...
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[ machinery whirring ]
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...I'll corner the global market
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On --
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>> sheriff: ethanol. Right?
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>> dan halen: etha-what?
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>> sheriff: it's a simple
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Biofuel derived from corn or
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Switch grass.
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What's that?
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>> dan halen: that?
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Oh, that's certainly nothing to
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Do with my plans, I I-imagine.
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Korn doggz -- why, the very
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Notion is ridiculous.
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Granted, the real adoption
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Papers do create a unique...
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Look, that's going away, so just
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Don't look at it anymore.
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>> sheriff: you know, I bet you
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Could make enough ethanol from
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That cornzu to run all the cars
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In the world.
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>> dan halen: [ chuckling ] Corn
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Running cars?
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You rube, that's impossible.
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Fuel comes from ancient dino
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Blood.
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We all know that.
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[ intercom buzzes ]
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>> mr. Halen, a mr. Corn maze is
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Here to see you.
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>> dan halen: it's as I feared.
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It's become self-aware.
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I-I'm busy. I'm with a client.
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[ crashing ]
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Oh, hey, there.
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Someone's ears are burning.
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We were just talking about you.
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Aah!
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>> [ echoing ] Hello.
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>> sheriff: wassup?
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>> nice face painting.
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>> sheriff: yeah, well, it's
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Supposed to be spider-man.
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Also supposed to be temporary.
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>> early: this is turning into a
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Regular goldang
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"Poseidon adventure."
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My truckboat truck!
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[ rumbling ]
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[ metal crunching ]
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No! My vehicle!
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>> its emissions are outside the
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Acceptable standards.
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The vehicle is banished.
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>> rusty: oh, my god, I think
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I'm gonna poop on myself!
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>> yes, organism, spill your
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Waste here on my face.
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Nourish me!
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>> granny: no, don't do it!
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You'll only make it stronger.
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>> early: you'll never win, you
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Dirty maze!
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You hear me?!
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[ echoing ] You'll never win!
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[ glass shatters ]
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>> granny: that maze sure did
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Win.
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That was a damn rout.
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>> wrong! Do it again.
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Green, brown, clear.
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>> granny: colorblind.
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I don't know what color.
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>> and here we have a label.
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What the hell -- what the hell
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With it?
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I told you, peel the label.
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Steam the label.
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Soak it if you have to.
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No labels in the bin!
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>> granny: this is a-plus
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Bullcrap.
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>> rusty: quiet, granny.
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I don't want him to dump
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Bins.
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I've been doing it right.
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>> yes, captain carbon arises.
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It must be 3:00.
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>> early: tv's out again.
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Blow the windmill, rusty.
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>> rusty: okay, daddy.
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[ exhaling ]
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When you gonna rise up
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Against -- [ exhales ] -- our
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Corn masters, like you said?
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[ exhales ]
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>> early: soon, rusty. Soon.
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>> rusty: but when?
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Every day, it gets stronger.
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>> early: are you sayin' I
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Don't?
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'cause I do.
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I'm buildin' up my corn
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Tolerance.
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Soon I will be immune!
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[ gulping ]
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>> rusty: all right, daddy.
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[ glass shatters ]
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>> early: I've had e-damn-nough
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Of your naggin'!
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>> here we go.
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And good night.
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>> early: counterbalancing, my
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Ass.
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>> looks like you need some of
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My cousin -- coffee.
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[ laughs ]
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>> early: sass back from a
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Plant!
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All right, you corny sumbitch!
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The revolution starts right now!
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>> rusty: yeah, daddy, let him
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Have it!
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[ gun clicks ]
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[ whirring ]
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>> early: just as soon as these
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Clouds clear.
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>> rusty: break yourself, corn!
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Break yourself!
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[ motor winding down ]
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>> early: your day is comin',
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Sumbitch!
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>> rusty: come on! Whoo!
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>> early: move over, son.
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You in my light.
28848
