Original subtitles

[ static ]

[ country music plays ]

>> ♪ my oldest son was born in

Alabama ♪

♪ my youngest is, uh, covered in

Hair ♪

♪ the middle one says he's a

Homosexual ♪

♪ the other sibling's gone I

Don't know where ♪

♪ and I don't care ♪

♪ I just don't care ♪

>> rusty: my turn.

>> early: hell no.

>> rusty: let me drive that

Thing!

>> early: do not touch the trim!

[ crowd cheering ]

>> the armoire is in the trunk.

It's delicately enmeshed in the

Bungee cords.

Here we go, now!

Everybody watch out!

He's gonna need an extra couple

Sets of hands to get that thing

On board.

Now looky there.

They are moving that thing with

Pride.

>> early: damn this

Rhodes furniture 400!

Is it too much to ask for just

One flamin' pileup?!

>> granny: [ groaning ]

>> oh, he's gonna scratch that

Delicate finish --

>> aah!

>> early: [ laughs ] Flames!

Thank you, jesus!

>> granny: [ cries painfully ]

>> early: nother soda, granny?

>> granny: ow!

>> early: there you go.

>> rusty: oh, that is gross,

Granny!

>> lil: give her a handful of

These.

>> rusty: what are them?

>> lil: I don't know, but she'll

Need to chase it with

Oh.

Break off a little bit of this

One, too, or else she'll be

Paranoid as hell.

That blue one's gonna make her

Crazy-strong.

[ inhales deeply ]

So you better tie her up.

>> early: ah, she'll be fine.

Nother soda, granny?

[ squish! ]

>> rusty: granny?

Granny, come on. Wake up, now.

>> early: let her sleep it off.

>> rusty: daddy, she ain't

Breathin' none.

>> early: god forbid a man gets

To watch one damn race all the

Way through just one time in

His life!

>> rusty: daddy, I-I think we

Oughta call that 911.

>> early: well, go on, then.

>> rusty: 911!

Right here!

911!

[ echoing ] 911!

>> early: lil, fetch that

Respirator.

[ air hissing ]

>> rusty: 911!

[ door closes ]

I-I called the doctor.

>> early: what'd they say?

>> rusty: no response.

>> early: damn bureaucrats!

>> ♪ do a little drinkin' ♪

♪ raise a little hell ♪

>> early: hello?

[ sighs ]

No.

I said

Stump."

>> rusty: is that the doctor?

>> early: hold on.

I said "The

I know you think that's big, but

Trust me, there's a bigger one

Comin'.

Yes, and then the u-ey at the

Dead leaf.

Listens here, now.

That sumbitchin' pizza pie

Better be hot as hell when it

Gets here!

And you best have the free

Psycho bread what come with it!

>> rusty: uh, can we call the

Doctor on that?

>> early: sorry, son --

Emergencies only.

>> rusty: uh, daddy, w-what you

Doin' with all granny's stuff?

>> early: we all have our own

Way of grievin', son.

[ clang! ]

I know she'd want it this way.

>> so, let's see.

We have...

Some expired cans of powdered

Milk.

>> early: uh-huh.

Provision for a race war.

>> burt reynolds centerfold

Driftwood lacquered clock.

>> early: the bandit in his

Prime.

>> and a burger lord

Special-edition cock johnson

Jumbo refill soda mug.

>> early: bona fide antique.

Was a set of four, but I broke

The other three emphasizin' a

Point to my boy here.

>> okay.

I see absolutely nothing of

Worth here.

>> early: you a damn fool!

No wonder this damn show's on

Public tv!

Suckin' on the federal teat --

That's what you doin'!

This show ain't worth a damn!

>> wait a minute.

What are these?

>> early: them scribblins?

Please.

Words ain't never done nothin'

For nonebody.

>> sweet praise, this is

Amazing!

It appears to be a

Correspondence between one

Ruby jean cuyler and confederate

General robert e. Lee.

These letters must be worth at

Least...

>> dan halen: $300.

>> early: hold on, now.

You gonna have to pony up more

Than that, hoss.

>> dan halen: all right.

Um...How about some free

Dan halen brand owl jerky?

>> early: done.

>> and so, my dear ruby jean, it

Was either the giant panda or

Me.

I can assure you that murderin'

Him was no easy task.

I would be so honored if you

Were to sew your wedding gown

From the enclosed hide.

[ beep ]

The beatins we received at the

Hands of our cruel negro masters

Are as unjust as they are

Unjustifiable.

[ whip cracks ]

Oh, lord!

[ whip cracks ]

Oh!

[ beep ]

>> early: mmm.

That jerky

>> rusty: gimme some of that.

Can I have some of that?

>> early: I'd love to, but this

Needs to last me.

[ gulp! Gulp! ]

>> praise god almighty for

Sendin' an army of our finest

Space brothers to help us push

Back the union devils.

[ beep ]

I dined with them in their most

Wondrous spacecraft.

You have not lived until you've

Tried what is called a

"Hotted dog."

[ beep ]

>> early: mass media won't tell

Ya this.

That's why you got to look to

The bloggers.

>> I was coronated on this day

As emperor of these

Confederate states of america.

[ beep ]

Now I'm dead.

[ beep ]

My dearest ruby jean, I vow to

Return to you one day and raise

You from your deathly slumber in

A lovemaking session the likes

Of which dougal county has never

Seen.

[ sexy music plays ]

I will cover every square inch

Of your body in molasses,

Starting at the tip of your

Tentacles...

>> early: okay.

Let's fast-forward.

[ tape fast-forwarding ]

>> ...The torpedo will leave my

Merrimack...

>> early: more forward.

[ tape fast-forwarding ]

>> ...Then I will bomb your

Fort sumter...

>> early: forwarder.

[ tape fast-forwarding ]

>> ...Penetrate your defenses...

>> early: keep goin'.

[ tape fast-forwarding ]

>> ...And my bombs will burst in

Your air...

>> early: more.

[ tape fast-forwarding ]

>> ...Then my south will rise

Again and again and again...

>> early: ohhhrrrr...

[ tape fast-forwarding ]

More.

[ fast-forwarding continues ]

Forwarder, forwarder.

[ fast-forwarding continues ]

Keep goin'.

[ fast-forwarding continues ]

A'ight.

>> ...With my tongue.

[ dixieland music plays ]

>> dan halen: thank you for

Visiting the museum of the

True south.

To learn more about the exploits

Of general robert e. Lee and his

Beloved ruby jean, pay $9 and go

Through the museum again, but

This time, concentrate.

Now proceed to the gift shop and

Buy worthless trinkets to

Celebrate your pathetic

Heritage.

[ camera clicks ]

>> both: thank you.

>> rusty: granny, granny,

Granny.

[ camera clicks ]

Thank you.

I wish you was still here,

Granny.

>> early: she's in a better

Place now, son.

Up there...

By the snack bar.

>> rusty: wow.

I wish granny were alive to see

This.

>> early: let sleepin' dogs lie,

Son.

>> rusty: but, daddy, them

Letters from that old boy lee,

Uh, didn't they say he can make

Love to her and break that coma?

>> early: let the sleepin' dogs

Lie, boy.

>> sheriff: I don't know, early.

Sounds like a plan to me.

>> early: l-let's let them

Sleepin' dogs lie.

>> sheriff: if we can raise

General lee up from the dead and

Have him make some furious love

To your grandmama, well, that

Might wake her up and get her

Out of the coma.

>> granny: gonna get me some!

>> dan halen: he's right.

And we'll put the whole thing on

Pay-per-view.

We'll pull a 3 share!

>> granny: good ol' country

Gravy on my bed.

[ whirring ]

[ camera clicks ]

>> all: thank you.

[ crickets chirping ]

[ wolf howls ]

>> rusty: this thing here says

It's

>> dan halen: ah, irony.

Go ahead, sheriff.

Conjure the spirit.

>> sheriff: "I'd like to thank

Denise.

Your love allowed me to write

This book."

>> dan halen: no, no.

Not the acknowledgements.

>> sheriff: "So you want to

Learn to raise the dead.

Resurrecting can be an enjoyable

And fulfilling --"

>> dan halen: no, no.

It's on -- it's on page 42.

Look to the -- I marked it there

In goat's blood.

>> sheriff: [ clears throat ]

Abblo mandoligivus pronectus

Bittaposton frontnescno.

Tronckestus monitero pontellus

Pontellus arashana.

Disco donafecta clawteva

Floroto.

Rise up and make furious love to

The sagging, bedsore-ridden,

Stinky, varicose-vein-laden,

Mole-encrusted --

>> early: I see you hidin' down

There!

Get on out here!

>> aha!

All right, then.

Howdy, y'all, and all that

There.

>> early: come on, now.

You cornhole my grandmama over

There.

[ flies buzzing ]

>> uh, about that -- yeah...

Uh, I grievously regret...

I'm not yet ready to date again.

I would not, uh, be good for

Anyone right now.

It's -- it's -- it's not

It's -- it's

>> rusty: hey, man, but this is

Your long-lost love, ruby jean.

>> uh, that there is a woman

Here, uh, yes?

>> rusty: you know what?

I really never thought about it.

>> early: we'll tell him what he

Wants to hear.

Shh. Shh, shh.

Uh...Yeah, if you say so.

>> son, I've notched many a

Yellow sashful in tally of the

Fine southern tail I have tagged

And bagged.

However, I nary recall a

Ruby jean.

>> rusty: well, maybe if you

Just take a closer look over

Her, you'll remember all -- all

That love you shared and the

Chemistry and the -- the lovin'

Bond and everything.

>> I think I would recall

Sheathing my saber into a

Land-dwelling cephalopod such

As...

Is that what that is?

>> dan halen: so, what you're

Saying, then, is that these

Letters are forgeries!

>> granny: [ chuckles ]

>> later days.

>> dan halen: I should have put

It together.

The copious references to

"Nature boy" ric flair and

Former black crowes bassist

Johnny colt.

Hell, halen, they're written on

Waffle bar napkins.

Where was my analytical mind!

>> rusty: so, granny was fakin'

The whole time?

>> early: you know how it is --

Somebody gotta get 'em some on a

Saturday night.

>> rusty: you reckon we oughta

Tell the sheriff?

>> early: nope.

What's that sumbitch ever done

For

>> granny: you have to leave?

>> sheriff: uh...Well, I --

>> granny: what do you got goin'

On tuesday?

>> sheriff: you know, I'm -- I'm

Probably --

>> granny: I'll bring you some

Lunch down to the station.

>> sheriff: but I've already

Made my sandwich -- for the

Week.

[ crack! Crack! ]

Yeah.

But I-I've had a really great

Time.

>> granny: maybe we should

Exchange numbers.

>> sheriff: yeah, uh, maybe so.

>> granny: wait.

[ poink! ]

To remember me by.

>> sheriff: yeah, uh, okay.

Thank you.

[ engine turns over ]

[ tires screech ]

[ siren wails ]

>> granny: [ laughs ]

Booty call!