All language subtitles for Squidbillies.S03E10.The.Appalachain.Mud.Squid.Darwins.Dilemma.1080p.HMAX.WEBRip.DD.2.0.x265-edge2020_track3_[eng]
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[ static ]
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[ country music plays ]
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>> ♪ somehow I got spinal
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Meningitis ♪
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♪ injectin' all that hair spray
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In my spine ♪
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♪ it's a super-cheap way
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To party ♪
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♪ if you aim to kill some brain
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Cells and some time ♪
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Good luck gettin' that
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Child-support check from me
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>> rusty: my turn.
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>> early: hell no.
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>> rusty: let me drive that
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Thing!
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>> early: do not touch the trim!
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>> [ british accent ] The
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Mountains of north georgia...
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Home to a species long thought
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Extinct...
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>> rusty: but I don't even
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Superman.
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I like spider-man.
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Wha-ho!
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>> ...The appalachian mud squid.
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[ crickets chirping ]
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For months, we tracked their
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Migration, only to learn that
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They rarely move, except when
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They're attempting to descramble
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The hbo -- home box office.
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>> early: up, back, up, back.
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There you go!
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Whoa, whoa, whoa!
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Ooh!
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I seen some nipple.
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Up and back. Right --
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Damn. There it was again.
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>> intricate tribal markings are
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Used for such purposes as
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Attracting a mate...
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>> early: whoo!
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Party in my pants, and you is
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Invited!
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Yeah!
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I ain't got no pants, but the
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Party's still on.
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>> ...Or intimidating
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Colleagues.
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>> early: whoo!
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You head down to the second
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Floor for your copy needs,
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Glenn!
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Laser color 4600p is mine!
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That's right.
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>> and some markings appear to
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Be pointless.
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>> early: whoo!
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This text needs to be
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Left-justified, and you better
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Start kerning this sumbitch
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Better than you been a-doin'.
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You makin' me look like a damn
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Fool of a bar fight.
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>> while the dominant male is
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Out foraging for convoluted
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Expressions of himself, the
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Elderly and cub are left to fend
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For themselves, finding
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Nutrition wherever they can.
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>> granny: I-I don't see why we
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Don't just eat the peanut butter
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If we're so hungry.
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>> rusty: nunh-unh.
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I don't need that much
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Polysaturated trans-fats in my
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Diet.
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All right, see ya, now.
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>> granny: oh, you're so smart.
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[ all growling ]
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[ bird screeches ]
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>> each week, the mud squids
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Gather over their kill for
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Sunday dinner.
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Now, I was able to observe this
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Endangered species up close by
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Mimicking their sexism regarding
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Racecar driver danica patrick.
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So it's utter folly to assume
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That she could even properly
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Work a stick shift, you know?
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Other than that of her husband
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And provider.
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You follow my ribald analogy.
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>> early: thank you.
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'bout damn time.
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The mammaroids gets in the way
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Of the damn wheel!
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It's just basic anatomy.
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There ought to not be no damn
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Woman behind the wheel of no
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Damn racecar.
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>> rusty: daddy, that girl's
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Done pretty good --
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>> early: unh-unh!
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We can't all be men, rusty.
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Somebody has to be the loser.
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>> granny: the only race she
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Ought to be runnin' is a race to
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Start a litter of young'uns.
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Get pregnant and...
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Make some beds.
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>> early: you done yet?
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Is that it? Are you done?
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>> granny: yes, sir.
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>> early: damn lady babble.
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Re-dredging topics that's done
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Been settled from by mouth of a
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Man.
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Y'all bow your damn heads!
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We thank you, lord, for mans
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Like myself, males of the
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Masculine variety, winners all
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Of us.
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And we thank you for the womans,
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Too, and how you made them out
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Of a part of a man that he don't
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Never need, nor want, to live by
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Our rules and our pleasures.
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[ chomps ]
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Chicken is good.
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Amen.
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>> granny: I made a special
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Dessert -- some of my famous
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"Kevin on a stick."
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>> early: damn it, granny!
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The cameraman's name was
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Kenneth!
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Respect the dead!
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>> that can't be right.
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Kenneth is behind the plant
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Over --
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[ gasps ] Oh, no.
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Good heavens, no!
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>> rusty: kenneth sure is
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Crunchy.
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>> early: rusty got the lens
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Cap.
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>> sheriff: early, I don't
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Believe this.
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>> early: he come at me with a
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Lens cap!
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>> sheriff: you're an endangered
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Species.
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>> early: shh! Shh!
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Shut up, now.
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This is the scene where I get
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The mouth herpes.
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>> sheriff: early, come on out
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Of there.
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It's my sworn duty to protect
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You so future generations can
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Somehow appreciate...
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Well, whatever the hell it is
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You do.
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>> early: that's right, you open
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That damn door -- right now!
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I'm off to my natural habitat.
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[ rock music plays ]
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>> [ roaring ]
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>> early: hell yeah!
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Whoo!
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>> sheriff: early, that's a
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Jaguar.
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>> early: more like a faguar!
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>> [ roaring ]
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>> sheriff: whoa, now. Easy.
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Sticks and stones may break your
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Bones --
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>> early: hell yeah!
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They about to!
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>> [ growls ]
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>> sheriff: why did I say that?
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>> early: whoo!
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The belt is mine!
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>> sheriff: aaah!
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>> early: you ain't seen nothin'
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Like me!
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I'm a bad man!
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>> sheriff: I insist...
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>> early: I'm endangered!
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>> sheriff: ...You retract your
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Claws.
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>> early: ain't nobody to beat
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My ass!
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[ gunshots ]
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Ha.
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You see that, the way I
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Pile-drived that cat?
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I call that move
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"The early riser."
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He was paralyzed!
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>> sheriff: he was
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I shot him, and then you cleaned
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And dressed his carcass for 30
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Minutes.
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>> early: oh, monday-mornin'
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Quarterback.
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Hell, you seen what I done.
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[ buzzing ]
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Hey, check this out.
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>> sheriff: early!
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Early, that's high-voltage.
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You could be --
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>> early: [ chuckles ]
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>> sheriff: hey!
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>> early: what'd you say?
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>> sheriff: early, quit it!
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>> early: huh? What was that?
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>> sheriff: you mind redir--
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Redirecting --
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Early, would you mind
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Redirecting that?
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>> early: I'm sorry.
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Didn't hear ya.
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>> sheriff: that's a power line!
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You'll get elec--
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>> early: oh!
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>> sheriff: early! Quit it!
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Stop!
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>> early: I'm done. I'm done.
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>> sheriff: [ sighs ]
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Thank you.
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>> early: oh!
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It never gets old!
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>> sheriff: oh, come on!
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>> early: [ chuckles ]
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>> sheriff: [ sputters ]
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>> early: howdy, reverend.
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>> sheriff: reverend.
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>> early: hell of a sermon last
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Week.
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Ahhhh, victory.
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>> sheriff: oh, man.
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That ink was hell on my jaguar
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Cuts.
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Oh!
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Oh, god.
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The jaguar's sliced open my
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Achilles, early.
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You think you could give me a
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Hand here?
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>> early: give you a hand?
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>> sheriff: yeah.
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It'd be wonderful.
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>> early: hell, I'm sick of
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Livin' in your damn police
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State!
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Like a damn minified tuber.
261
00:05:51,023 --> 00:05:54,003
>> sheriff: [ sighs ]
262
00:05:54,005 --> 00:05:56,029
I killed a jaguar today.
263
00:05:58,017 --> 00:06:00,008
>> early: ohhhh...
264
00:06:00,010 --> 00:06:00,022
God.
265
00:06:00,024 --> 00:06:01,018
>> rusty: whoo-hoo!
266
00:06:01,020 --> 00:06:02,011
Hell yeah, daddy!
267
00:06:02,013 --> 00:06:03,009
You are wild as hell!
268
00:06:03,011 --> 00:06:04,018
You got yourself a damn earring!
269
00:06:04,020 --> 00:06:05,015
>> early: huh? What?
270
00:06:05,017 --> 00:06:06,023
>> rusty: you know -- like, uh,
271
00:06:06,025 --> 00:06:07,013
Harrison ford.
272
00:06:07,015 --> 00:06:08,021
You know, in his private life?
273
00:06:08,023 --> 00:06:09,019
>> early: which side?
274
00:06:09,021 --> 00:06:10,024
>> rusty: it's on the right.
275
00:06:10,026 --> 00:06:12,005
>> early: oh, hell!
276
00:06:12,007 --> 00:06:14,008
I switched teams in the night!
277
00:06:14,010 --> 00:06:15,010
[ sobbing ] Oh, god.
278
00:06:15,012 --> 00:06:16,025
[ normal voice ] Plan a trip to
279
00:06:16,027 --> 00:06:17,024
The keys, I guess.
280
00:06:17,026 --> 00:06:18,024
Get me a boyfriend.
281
00:06:18,026 --> 00:06:20,007
Hell, I ain't gettin' no damn
282
00:06:20,009 --> 00:06:20,023
Younger!
283
00:06:20,025 --> 00:06:22,005
>> sheriff: that's a taggin'
284
00:06:22,007 --> 00:06:23,006
Device, early.
285
00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:24,019
I use it to track your
286
00:06:24,021 --> 00:06:26,015
Whereabouts from this chopper,
287
00:06:26,017 --> 00:06:27,002
Here.
288
00:06:27,004 --> 00:06:28,015
>> granny: look at me.
289
00:06:28,017 --> 00:06:29,029
Who's this fancy model limpin'
290
00:06:30,001 --> 00:06:30,009
By?
291
00:06:30,011 --> 00:06:31,025
>> rusty: he matched her d.U.I.
292
00:06:31,027 --> 00:06:32,010
Anklet.
293
00:06:32,012 --> 00:06:33,010
>> early: match it?
294
00:06:33,012 --> 00:06:34,019
This one here is a toasted
295
00:06:34,021 --> 00:06:36,003
Cinnamon, and this one here is
296
00:06:36,005 --> 00:06:37,009
Clearly a tuscan cranberry.
297
00:06:37,011 --> 00:06:38,017
>> rusty: and he knows, too,
298
00:06:38,019 --> 00:06:39,010
'cause he's gay.
299
00:06:39,012 --> 00:06:40,019
>> early: I'll come out on my
300
00:06:40,021 --> 00:06:41,015
Own terms, rusty!
301
00:06:41,017 --> 00:06:42,021
Now, you get me my drinkin'
302
00:06:42,023 --> 00:06:44,001
Party liquor!
303
00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:44,026
>> rusty: [ grunts ]
304
00:06:44,028 --> 00:06:45,018
I can't open it.
305
00:06:45,020 --> 00:06:46,020
>> sheriff: well, this is a
306
00:06:46,022 --> 00:06:47,021
Child-safety lock, rusty.
307
00:06:47,023 --> 00:06:48,017
>> early: step aside.
308
00:06:48,019 --> 00:06:49,007
I got the key.
309
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:50,004
[ gun cocks ]
310
00:06:50,006 --> 00:06:52,003
[ gun clicking ]
311
00:06:52,005 --> 00:06:52,029
I'm neutered!
312
00:06:53,001 --> 00:06:54,024
>> sheriff: trigger lock on that
313
00:06:54,026 --> 00:06:55,007
One.
314
00:06:55,009 --> 00:06:56,014
Safety is paramount.
315
00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:57,019
>> early: what the...
316
00:06:57,021 --> 00:06:59,014
My truck-boat truck!
317
00:06:59,016 --> 00:07:01,001
>> sheriff: you like it, early?
318
00:07:01,003 --> 00:07:02,013
This is one of those safety
319
00:07:02,015 --> 00:07:03,026
Sedans from across the pond.
320
00:07:03,028 --> 00:07:05,009
They even got air bags on the
321
00:07:05,011 --> 00:07:06,025
Outside so that folks that you
322
00:07:06,027 --> 00:07:09,018
Hit get protection, too.
323
00:07:09,020 --> 00:07:11,004
When you go off on one of them
324
00:07:11,006 --> 00:07:12,017
Tears of yours, you know?
325
00:07:12,019 --> 00:07:13,025
>> early: aw. All right.
326
00:07:13,027 --> 00:07:15,018
>> sheriff: there you go.
327
00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:16,018
[ feedback ]
328
00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:18,003
Stay clear, everyone.
329
00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:20,002
Endangered animal is starting
330
00:07:20,004 --> 00:07:21,000
The car now.
331
00:07:21,002 --> 00:07:23,003
[ engine idling ]
332
00:07:23,005 --> 00:07:25,007
Now he's wrapping his lips --
333
00:07:25,009 --> 00:07:27,023
Oh, hell.
334
00:07:27,025 --> 00:07:30,016
[ exhaling heavily ]
335
00:07:30,018 --> 00:07:31,010
>> early: whoa!
336
00:07:31,012 --> 00:07:32,010
Whoa, there, romeo!
337
00:07:32,012 --> 00:07:33,021
Can't you wait till I'm dead?
338
00:07:33,023 --> 00:07:34,027
I'll still be warm for a
339
00:07:34,029 --> 00:07:35,015
Half-hour.
340
00:07:35,017 --> 00:07:36,024
>> sheriff: oh, early, it's
341
00:07:36,026 --> 00:07:37,019
Mouth-to-mouth.
342
00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:38,029
>> early: I know what it is!
343
00:07:39,001 --> 00:07:40,007
Just 'cause I got myself a
344
00:07:40,009 --> 00:07:41,020
Swedish sedan, you think I'm a
345
00:07:41,022 --> 00:07:42,002
Homo.
346
00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:43,012
Yeah, you seen the ear bob,
347
00:07:43,014 --> 00:07:44,001
Didn't ya?
348
00:07:44,003 --> 00:07:45,005
You got the wrong idea.
349
00:07:45,007 --> 00:07:45,025
Is that it?
350
00:07:45,027 --> 00:07:47,002
>> granny: yoo-hoo!
351
00:07:47,004 --> 00:07:49,007
Sheriff.
352
00:07:49,009 --> 00:07:52,010
I need some emergency attention,
353
00:07:52,012 --> 00:07:54,002
Too.
354
00:07:54,004 --> 00:07:56,004
[ coughing ]
355
00:07:56,006 --> 00:07:57,021
>> sheriff: early, you can't
356
00:07:57,023 --> 00:07:58,003
Die.
357
00:07:58,005 --> 00:07:59,021
You're the last of your kind.
358
00:07:59,023 --> 00:08:01,012
You got the future of the whole
359
00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:02,017
Species to think of.
360
00:08:02,019 --> 00:08:03,018
>> early: future?
361
00:08:03,020 --> 00:08:04,026
I say "Live in the now."
362
00:08:04,028 --> 00:08:05,024
Come on, rusty.
363
00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,001
We goin' to the moon.
364
00:08:07,003 --> 00:08:07,018
Clear the prop.
365
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,015
>> rusty: start that thing!
366
00:08:08,017 --> 00:08:09,004
>> sheriff: stop!
367
00:08:09,006 --> 00:08:12,023
In the name of the law!
368
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:15,019
>> early: whoa!
369
00:08:19,001 --> 00:08:19,028
[ grunts ]
370
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,014
I-I'm all right. I'm all right.
371
00:08:24,002 --> 00:08:25,000
>> sheriff: early!
372
00:08:25,002 --> 00:08:25,014
Clear!
373
00:08:25,016 --> 00:08:26,012
[ paddles thump ]
374
00:08:26,014 --> 00:08:27,004
[ flatline ]
375
00:08:27,006 --> 00:08:27,029
Clear!
376
00:08:28,001 --> 00:08:28,025
[ paddles thump ]
377
00:08:28,027 --> 00:08:29,025
[ steady beeping ]
378
00:08:29,027 --> 00:08:31,019
>> early: I see a -- a...
379
00:08:31,021 --> 00:08:32,024
>> sheriff: don't go into the
380
00:08:32,026 --> 00:08:33,012
Light, early.
381
00:08:33,014 --> 00:08:34,016
>> early: ...A liquor store.
382
00:08:34,018 --> 00:08:35,020
>> sheriff: don't go into the
383
00:08:35,022 --> 00:08:36,022
Liquor store in the light,
384
00:08:36,024 --> 00:08:37,004
Either.
385
00:08:37,006 --> 00:08:38,012
>> early: liquor store...
386
00:08:38,014 --> 00:08:39,021
>> sheriff: early, don't!
387
00:08:39,023 --> 00:08:40,023
[ crying ] No!
388
00:08:40,025 --> 00:08:42,005
[ flatline ]
389
00:08:42,007 --> 00:08:43,007
Oh.
390
00:08:43,009 --> 00:08:44,026
So there
391
00:08:44,028 --> 00:08:47,016
>> dan halen: easy.
392
00:08:47,018 --> 00:08:49,012
Easy.
393
00:08:49,014 --> 00:08:50,027
Shoot it now, while its back is
394
00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:52,019
Turned!
395
00:08:56,023 --> 00:08:57,023
Oh, you want a challenge.
396
00:08:57,025 --> 00:08:59,002
Well, I'm shouting in your ear!
397
00:08:59,004 --> 00:09:00,019
Whoa! Whoa!
398
00:09:00,021 --> 00:09:02,015
E-e-e-earthquake!
399
00:09:02,017 --> 00:09:04,002
>> sheriff: mr. Halen.
400
00:09:04,004 --> 00:09:05,009
>> dan halen: lawman.
401
00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:06,027
>> sheriff: sorry to trouble
402
00:09:06,029 --> 00:09:08,027
You, but you ain't runnin' a...
403
00:09:08,029 --> 00:09:10,028
Endangered-species game ranch
404
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,002
Here, now, are you?
405
00:09:12,004 --> 00:09:13,003
>> dan halen: [ chuckling ] Oh,
406
00:09:13,005 --> 00:09:13,019
Please.
407
00:09:13,021 --> 00:09:15,006
Of course not.
408
00:09:15,008 --> 00:09:16,004
Shoot it in the face.
409
00:09:16,006 --> 00:09:17,003
Don't harm the torso.
410
00:09:17,005 --> 00:09:18,006
That's where the powder is
411
00:09:18,008 --> 00:09:18,021
Derived.
412
00:09:18,023 --> 00:09:19,028
>> sheriff: yeah, but I can't
413
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:20,014
Let you --
414
00:09:20,016 --> 00:09:21,014
>> dan halen: y-you don't
415
00:09:21,016 --> 00:09:22,002
Understand.
416
00:09:22,004 --> 00:09:23,010
In their culture, squid powder
417
00:09:23,012 --> 00:09:24,005
Is an aphrodisiac.
418
00:09:24,007 --> 00:09:25,014
>> granny: [ sniffs ]
419
00:09:25,016 --> 00:09:26,004
Hmm.
420
00:09:26,006 --> 00:09:29,015
I
421
00:09:32,028 --> 00:09:34,003
>> dan halen: for god's sake,
422
00:09:34,005 --> 00:09:35,005
Lawman, they're trying to
423
00:09:35,007 --> 00:09:35,020
Conceive.
424
00:09:35,022 --> 00:09:36,023
And you want to deny them?
425
00:09:36,025 --> 00:09:38,001
>> sheriff: how about you just
426
00:09:38,003 --> 00:09:39,010
Catch 'em and throw 'em back in
427
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:40,003
When you're done?
428
00:09:40,005 --> 00:09:41,013
>> dan halen: how about you take
429
00:09:41,015 --> 00:09:42,014
One of these key chains?
430
00:09:42,016 --> 00:09:42,026
There.
431
00:09:42,028 --> 00:09:43,027
It's like a real pet.
432
00:09:43,029 --> 00:09:45,009
>> sheriff: I don't know if I'm
433
00:09:45,011 --> 00:09:46,007
Responsible enough.
434
00:09:46,009 --> 00:09:46,021
Aw.
435
00:09:46,023 --> 00:09:47,020
[ key chain beeps ]
436
00:09:47,022 --> 00:09:48,021
Look at that little thing.
437
00:09:48,023 --> 00:09:49,023
Just precious, ain't it?
438
00:09:49,025 --> 00:09:51,001
>> dan halen: just don't push
439
00:09:51,003 --> 00:09:52,006
The bedtime button.
440
00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:53,024
I'm trying to see what sleep
441
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,003
Deprivation will do to it.
442
00:09:55,005 --> 00:09:56,016
>> granny: I always wanted to
443
00:09:56,018 --> 00:09:57,001
Travel.
444
00:09:57,003 --> 00:09:58,021
[ gunshot ]
445
00:09:58,023 --> 00:10:02,007
I'm goin' to japan!
446
00:10:02,009 --> 00:10:03,022
>> sheriff: I wish my bones was
447
00:10:03,024 --> 00:10:04,017
An aphrodisiac.
448
00:10:04,019 --> 00:10:06,002
>> dan halen: but they are not,
449
00:10:06,004 --> 00:10:07,027
So no japan for you.
450
00:10:07,029 --> 00:10:08,020
>> sheriff: I know.
451
00:10:08,022 --> 00:10:09,021
>> dan halen: I'll be back,
452
00:10:09,023 --> 00:10:10,002
Early.
453
00:10:10,004 --> 00:10:11,003
You just make sure you have
454
00:10:11,005 --> 00:10:11,028
Another litter ready.
455
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:13,002
>> early: now, don't you worry
456
00:10:13,004 --> 00:10:13,027
'bout that.
457
00:10:13,029 --> 00:10:15,016
We keep the business in the
458
00:10:15,018 --> 00:10:16,004
Family.
459
00:10:16,006 --> 00:10:18,021
Ain't that right, little gal?
460
00:10:18,023 --> 00:10:20,024
>> lil: [ coughs ]
461
00:10:20,026 --> 00:10:21,025
>> early: she'll be fine.
462
00:10:21,027 --> 00:10:22,021
>> dan halen: here.
463
00:10:22,023 --> 00:10:24,018
Your payment is...
464
00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:25,029
This object I happen to be
465
00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:27,022
Holding in my hand.
466
00:10:27,024 --> 00:10:30,000
>> early: aw. Look at you.
467
00:10:30,002 --> 00:10:30,020
You hungry?
468
00:10:30,022 --> 00:10:31,018
[ key chain beeps ]
469
00:10:31,020 --> 00:10:32,011
We
470
00:10:32,013 --> 00:10:33,022
Go get yourself a damn job!
471
00:10:33,024 --> 00:10:34,027
[ electronic crying ]
472
00:10:34,029 --> 00:10:36,015
>> early: oh, you're cryin' now?
473
00:10:36,017 --> 00:10:38,003
Hell, I'll give you somethin' to
474
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:38,022
Cry about!
475
00:10:38,024 --> 00:10:40,019
[ grunting ]
476
00:10:40,021 --> 00:10:42,009
[ crying ]
477
00:10:42,011 --> 00:10:44,007
Why do we always hurt the ones
478
00:10:44,009 --> 00:10:45,013
We hit?
479
00:10:45,015 --> 00:10:46,015
>> rusty: hey, daddy.
480
00:10:46,017 --> 00:10:46,029
Daddy.
481
00:10:47,001 --> 00:10:48,012
>> early: have yourself a good
482
00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:49,014
Time in japan, now.
483
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:51,000
Say "Hey" to mario and all his
484
00:10:51,002 --> 00:10:52,009
Mushroom buddies for me.
485
00:10:52,011 --> 00:10:53,019
>> rusty: can I have a drink?
486
00:10:53,021 --> 00:10:55,001
I'm kind of thirsty, and I got
487
00:10:55,003 --> 00:10:56,006
Cottonmouth from all the
488
00:10:56,008 --> 00:10:57,003
Formaldehydration.
489
00:10:57,005 --> 00:10:58,000
>> early: aw, stop your
490
00:10:58,002 --> 00:10:58,016
Bellyaching.
491
00:10:58,018 --> 00:10:59,021
Why can't you be more like your
492
00:10:59,023 --> 00:11:01,013
Sister yamagotchi?
29804
